{rest day}

Waxing Crescent Moon in Virgo

And then there are the days. When a nap is the only thing that my body is crying out for. Where no solid form can be made from the scramble of energy bouncing around in my head. Today is one of those days. And as much as I would love to weave some magic in the form of word play, i’m instead going to honor what my body is asking for. I’m going to luxuriate in the simple silence of my cozy little apartment. Maybe order some takeout. Hopefully be in bed by 10:00pm. Rest, give myself some quiet space. Just be.

This is an equally important part of this journey for me, [this challenge of writing every day i’ve placed upon my shoulders]. It is a curiosity I have, finding the edge of where I’m escaping myself, the present moment and avoiding leaning in and doing something that is just slightly out of my comfort zone, versus when i’m just tired because I’ve had a long week. And when honestly checking in with self, today, in this moment, it’s the latter. I have had a beautiful week, but am just getting back into client work [after quarantine shut me down for a few months] and finding my threshold of my “conditioning” so to speak as it relates to the space I hold for others and what that requires of me energetically; finding that sweet balance that I’m constantly seeking that is often shifting— as is life.

And so as I work this out “loud”, here is my offering today: learn to listen to the ebb and flow of your body. Question and discern between what is edge of comfort zone and genuine fatigue. And recognize that there is no shame or inadequacy in just being tired, or needing to pause, to slow down. It’s important to show up for self, which is why I’m here, writing these words today. It’s very important for me to keep my word to myself [this is a part of my healing around the masculine energy— I may dig more into this at a different time, just not today]. And so because I set this intention for myself, I am following through, and also honoring my energy in only spending a few minutes on this post, instead of hours. This is a rest day ;)

***

This is also day 5/28. I appreciate this challenge, these little nuances i’ve witnessed within myself these past few days, and looking forward to what I continue to learn. I am so grateful for your being here, taking the time to read my words and reflections, and I hope you have a beautiful day, wherever in the world and whenever in time you find yourself here with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

all begins {in the dark}

Waxing Crescent in Virgo

It all begins in the dark where I lie unencumbered, receiving your divine interruptions. I know it’s you, your light shines through the darkest night; your presence reinvigorates the eternal flame under this waxing crescent, signal of conception; the harvest of hopes and desires to come.

Here you and I; we individually and collectively constantly sit: the void between innocence and ownership, where a long waged battle for the chosen ones is fought.

And you came to me in the momentary pause between night and day. Whispering messages I was bound to remember, my heart’s desire, my love. Reminding me of the constant cleansing process required; surrendering of that which is not mine yet easily can become a burdensome weight to carry on my shoulders.

Leaving breadcrumbs that lead to archetypal stories rife with remembering. Truth. Wisdom. Balance. The insignificant space between life and death; light and dark; chastity and indulgence—wholeness via an integration of dualities.

And a strengthening of the resolve to stand strong on this path. Stripping away man-made constructs, exposing the truth that has always been, but not necessarily seen: incomplete partialities, not absolute. Expanding the boxes of consciousness to hold the immense amount of life force that is rising, taking up space after millenia of being stifled, repressed, buried; misunderstood and mistreated.

Consciousness meets life force. Light meets dark. Eros meets Psyche. Masculine meets Feminine.

Divine + Sacred union forged in the fire of transformation, soul moved by love: The Alchemical Marriage.

{“Marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage, a "transition to the unknown"** }

…And first there was dark, from where all else came to be…

***

“Since the ultimate end of the heroine's story is her final understanding of herself. It is the final acceptance of her totality of being, which includes her mind, body, and spirit. Psyche's story involves the ultimate acknowledgment that the soul can be granted immortality through its' ability to love.” *

When it comes to aspects of our being, the transition that I have found to be the most healing, is not the repression or rejection of those aspects within self that are hard to face in the mirror, but instead the integration and loving acceptance of them as a part of our whole being. A maturation process of transmutation. Learning to sit with and love the unloveable. Being with the not-beautiful. This is what the spiritual journey, the awakening journey is all about. Bringing more awareness to every moment, every space occupied [as within, so without] and integrating the seeming duality into the folds of our inherent wholeness.

[Bringing us back to divine balance, the gnosis of being both fully human and fully divine.]

◇

I had a dream last night that brought me to a space of reflection on darkness and light. That from darkness— death— is where all life emerges. And the integration of the polarities of energy that exist within us, masculine and feminine; light and dark— a vital part of the coming home journey— deepening to rise;

the deeper the roots, the higher the branches.

We as physical beings, are the midpoint. Soul’s sanctuary, keeping the eternal flame lit.

And our journey is not to escape the body, [the so-often glorified “transcendence” as a means of bypass] but instead to bridge the void between our whole humanity, the physical manifestations that we are, and whole divinity: our remembering of the divinity that we are, the god within. This illumination requires darkness.

And the journey of Psyche into divine union, through death [her marriage was also a funeral] required her surrendering into the depths to find the heights [in her case it was her drinking the elixir of immortality and securing her place amongst the Gods after she journeyed, through many tasks, including a trip to the underworld— and ultimately achieved divine union with Eros.]

Virgo [where our moon currently resides], is associated with Ceres, the grain goddess. Bountiful harvests that can only come to fruition by first planting seed into earth— to be nourished and incubated in the dark, to grow roots; taken from the earth [beginning of death] to sustain and nourish life.

We too are planted in this way. In the darkness and protection of the womb to grow, and eventually, incur a separation from the Mother. This separation is a vital part of the path. For if we were never separated, there would be nothing to find our way back to. Life/death/life. Inevitable absolutes. The forgetting is a vital component of the remembering. The stumbling and making mistakes, the “not knowing”— to be smacked upside the head with like a brick of sudden awareness—is on purpose. The journey to higher consciousness starts below the surface, an exploration deep in the underworld.

To find our way to divine union, which, as within, so without, is the coming home to balance—polarity— within self. And as such, in order to manifest the same in the outer world, we must take this journey first.

Relationship and self: both great entry points of exploration, both uncharted territory.

And here, is where we see that marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage. For to merge with other, one must first find self. Come home and merge with self. Coming home is experiencing, a clearing and de-rubbling, and a remembering; a return to a symbiotic relationship with the inherent cycles of nature, the mother—Life/death/life. An inherent rhythm, that if learned to dance to with grace, trust and in surrender, leads us, one step at a time, exactly where we are [meant to be].

***

---

Day 4/28. Weaving threads and themes of: Vesta’s sacred and eternal hearth, divine union of Psyche and Eros; Nyx, the goddess of the night and alchemical marriage and [shocking I know] a bit about awakening, because that seems to be the place it always comes back to. It did actually begin with a dream that I woke to this morning and from there became as I mentioned in the poem, following the breadcrumbs and seeing where it led me. Honestly, I have no idea if this makes any sense, and, as a part of this challenge for me is writing and publishing same day, there is a fun little tension in flowing and attempting to connect dots [especially when I don’t begin writing until 8pm] and then waking up the next morning to see if I even like what I wrote [funny and true story]. Deepening into trust that whatever flows out of me is what is meant to [even if some days it’s terrible or makes no sense]. The practice of leaning into the edges of the journey, and being less worried about destination. Thank you as always for flowing with me ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

N1.3 The Chariot of Nyx; attributed to the Sappho Painter

PS:And here, are a few quotes I pulled from my google deep dive earlier today… enjoy ;)

Within the ascending Psyche, rooted in human matter, merging with the descending Eros, connected to heavenly light, we find a true soul communion.  According to Demetra George, the Psyche asteroid illuminates our capacity to be sensitive on a psychic level to an Other and is about our desire for a soul mate, a union with a lover under the guidance of divine energy through the path of conscious relationship.  Yet Psyche is not only about a spiritual and sexual union with an Other, but also can be about a union within the Self.  Through Psyche, erotic energy is akin to the procreative life force when we are swept away in our body by bonding with a lover or other desire.  In this way Eros is the primal, procreative force of our passion that underlies our vision and desires, as well as indicates our sexual attractions and vitality. https://graycrawford.net/tag/psyche/#:~:text=According%20to%20Demetra%20George%2C%20the,the%20path%20of%20conscious%20relationship.]

***

“The Alchemical Marriage is the union of duality and the most revered and possibly powerful union. It is the perfect conjunction, intimate bonding of duality and signifies the pure, deep harmony which occurs whenever the masculine and feminine elements of nature combines into One.” https://princessapetra.com/2016/11/07/on-alchemical-marriage/

*https://www.llewellyn.com/journal/article/1303

**https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid_and_Psyche

a {royal} conjunction

Waxing crescent moon in Leo

who am I to say that we met on this day…

as sun and moon collide under the same sign,

a royal conjunction

kings and queens of the celestial jungle

light years away from you and what we were.

for I’m only just now remembering

◇

what are these whispers and curious wanderings,

but a breadcrumb of irrational knowing.

A familiar significance.

I don’t know you, but I know you.

a piece of me wandering this earth outside of self

an out of body experience if you will

invisible threads connected;

devoid of logic or proof;

inextricably tethered.

◇

under this same sky, a divine union was born. 

and though our union is forged amidst the fire of the golden one; 

today it rained and poured;

and I walked.

I thought about you, and me. 

ancient memories 

curiously creating what comes next

soaking in wonder

that space where imagination meets soul.

manifesting history; remembering the future.

A glorious reprieve from the suffocating heat of this midsummer day.

◇

⟪⟨ 𝚜𝚞𝚗 + 𝚖𝚘𝚘𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚓𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚝 𝚕𝚎𝚘 ☼☽ weaving together past and future, now. ⟩⟫

---

{Day 3 of 28 day moon cycle writing challenge. word play as I explore the edges of the irrational yet felt. letting go of logic and practical and diving into the deep end. karmic lessons; soul contracts; who we were to one another in past lives; memories just beneath the surface.}

Today, like yesterday was a bit of forcing the words to weave themselves into something as my physical body feels quite exhausted.Great things happening in the mundane spaces [day-to-day life], but i’m recognizing quickly that I have to rebuild my stamina and do a better job creating pockets of rest for myself as I step back into holding space with clients, especially if I want to be able to create something every day during this challenge. My intention in documenting how I’m feeling [behind the scenes so to speak] comes from genuine curiosity to see how my internal cycle and the cycle of the moon play off one another or work together, how it affects my flow and creative process. If there are particular times of the day/week where I tap into flow more fluidly; noticing where my edges are, and learning to discern between when it’s time to walk away for a bit vs. when it’s time to lean in and dig a little deeper. Keeping track of how often I want to throw my hands up and say “screw this", i’m not feeling it” [so far i’ve felt that way every one of these three days and a lot of the writing has been happening in the evening, after 5pm]. As always, thanks for journeying with me, have a beautiful evening!

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Artwork from the Morgan-Greer Tarot deck.

{two years ago, today.}

Waxing Crescent, Moon in Leo

Two years ago today, I died;

July 21, 2018, a date forever seared in memory.

many deaths took place that day.

an intricate weaving of rhythm and melody,

beautifully chaotic harmony carrying me to the agonizing crescendo;

and concluding in an indescribable synchronistic calamity.

the type of ending that leaves you breathless;

Divine cataclysm.

◇

A diamond in the rough, forged by impossible pressure, torn from the womb;

carried aboveground, delivered by the tricksters, Odin’s winged messengers

taunting me, crying out in mimicking tones; deeper into familiar uncharted territory

volcanic eruption of deeply buried memories

broken open; bleeding out

liberated in heartbreak

loss to be found; the greatest gift.

◇

[In your eyes]

stars are born, souls collide

a universe unraveled; a journey back—

to inner sanctum; to soul; to self

a sweet reprieve; the most delicious exhale

safety in the abyss

home.

in your eyes, I am home;

in your absence I found me.

oh sweet paradox.

[in your eyes]

***

{July 21, 2018: Reflecting on a day that will forever be one of the most intensely painful and transformative days of my life. Sitting with familiar tension in deep reverence and gratitude for the perfection in the unfolding.}

---

This was day 2 of my 28 day moon cycle writing challenge I am giving myself. I struggled to get anything to flow today, and the only thing that got me through was the commitment I made to myself and a little bit of “i’m running out of hours in the day” magic [you procrastinators know what i’m talkin about ;)]. Part of this challenge is seeing if I can notice any themes or alignment with my creativity, flow and energy as it relates to the actual moon, which is why i’m tracking it in at the beginning of each other posts. I hope you have a beautiful day, wherever you are in the world, and as always, I so appreciate your taking the time to be here, to read my words and take this journey with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Free Spirit: A Legacy of Love

Day 1: New Moon In Cancer

***

“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”

- Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

Yesterday, a woman by the name of Marguerite Porete was brought into my consciousness...

A woman who was deemed a threat to the dominating structures of power that existed during her time. Who lost her life through speaking what felt true in her heart and standing for her personal divine sovereignty, and as an offering in reflection to what is available within us all. Marguerite was burned at the stake in the year 1310AD as a heretic, because she refused to recant the beliefs she wrote about in her book “The Mirror of Simple Souls”.

She was murdered for speaking about personal empowerment. For attempting to share that this way of being in union with the divine, is accessible to all from within.

That’s wild, right? Or is it? For those of you who have dug into history and the goings on of those times, this won’t seem too out of the ordinary in terms of operating procedures. But now, on July 20, 2020, are things so much different [outside of the obvious not being burned alive part]? Not the outcome but the energy behind the punishment…the judgement and condemnation; the violence that stems when the status quo puts up massive resistance against anyone who dare step out of the boxes of what has been deemed acceptable, “good” or polite in our current society. Are we really so different today?

Are we curious or fearful of those individuals on this [beautiful yet harrowing] journey back to self—the reclamation of personal sovereignty— who merely stop showing up in the world in a way that is comfortable and familiar and conforming?

Who instead of fitting in have been unsubscribing to the status quo as absolute truth, and instead fact checking it against the internal knowing—soul truth, with a discerning heart— and when appropriate, choose to show up differently, as a more authentic version of self. Not in rebellion for the sake of it, or needing to stake a claim as an individual, but for the sake of honoring the truth that suddenly begins to pour from their own hearts and can no longer be denied. Taking up space in their authentic way as a means to thrive as whole beings.

How dare they be empowered from within; [with the very same source energy that has the capacity to flow through all of us, if we were to clear out the blocks keeping it outside of self that is].

How dare they take up space unapologetically. [And I don’t mean taking up space or ways of being that are physically harming anyone. I mean, taking up the space they were brought here to take up, with fierce grace and compassion; divinity in motion.]

How dare they, right? Or is it, how brave they are… for these are the beings— leaders of the reclamation of soul— bringing back humanity to the forefront in a world suffocating in the absence of it. Acting in service to and for humanity. And yet, in this current climate, how do we perceive, receive and judge them?

How we judge says a lot more about us personally, than them. And often is a byproduct of our perpetual striving to attain this elusive concept of divinity— and subsequently avoid proximity to those that would be deemed “sinful” so we don’t catch it— so that we can secure our future seat at the good table. Funny thing is, divinity was and never has been outside of our grasp. Nothing to be strived for, only awakened to. A remembering. Something to be lived here and now, in this life.

That can be a hard pill to swallow. Because the mirror “those ones” hold up, reflects an unfamiliar “face” of the sacred space we all have the capacity to occupy— if we are willing to get uncomfortable and begin questioning everything that we have adopted as absolute. The knee-jerk judgements inevitably come in as a result of unconscious conditioning— that says anything outside of our narrow paradigm is a threat to our safety and survival— and suddenly, as a result, showing up in the unadulterated and unfiltered love that each and every one of us is, feels too dangerous, too exposed from an unconscious frame of reference. Especially to those unacquainted with such a beautiful intensity.

How uncomfortable we have been with the presence of true unconditional love.

Could you even identify it when you are in the presence of it? Do you realize that love can come in an infinite number of [packages] and flavors, not always palatable or comfortable, sometimes gentle, other times intense, and yet all love, just the same?

Have you ever felt instinctive unease, suspicion or threatened when someone shows genuine affection or vulnerable expression, especially out loud, in public, outside of the designated “acceptable” spaces and places?

Love is an energy that is infinite and fluid, not to be owned or managed.

Love is not attachment.

Sit with that for a moment.

This kind of love i’m attempting to describe, the unconditional variety, is an energy that asks nothing from and is interested only in being witnessed. It doesn’t need something from you to survive. It doesn’t take from and it isn’t about control and domination or power of any sort. It just is. Absolute and all encompassing.

And it seems counterintuitive, but we have been conditioned to be in rejection of this energy we are all comprised of. Why? Maybe because it can be so intensely transformative and we have not yet built the stamina to stand in and receive; allow it to move and affect us. Maybe because personally empowered beings, flowing with unconditional love are really hard to manage and control.

I can’t say absolutely, but I do know the consequence of this rejection: we hold it away, keeping it from getting too close, villainize it and thereby suffocate love— out of this need for it to show up in a form that is palatable and digestible for us [translation: into something comfortable that we can control]. We want it, we crave it and we are terrified of all the ways it moves us, so we strangle love into attachment by attempting to force it into a box.

And as a result, we are disconnected from our humanity and connection to the wholeness and truth of who we really are.

For that reason, most of us have never experienced true, unconditional love; have yet to sit with the tension within of our own composition that is this potent life force energy.

And in order to maintain the status quo, “dominator consciousness”— the power and control dynamics the overwhelming majority of this world currently operates within—there is a package we have been taught that we must come wrapped in to be acceptable [translation: safe]. This usually is some version of tame, polite, ”good”, selfless. The wild, unapologetic and loving self, uninhibited by the dictations of those needing our conformity in order to maintain; sovereign and whole beings, empowered from within are absolutely a threat to that structure’s very foundation.

“And this is what made her work so dangerous. She didn’t need the direction of the church, or any external spiritual authority, but rather just the voice of love that existed within her”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

Free Spirit

I got a tattoo on my left forearm in early 2018 that says “free spirit”. At the time, it was because something was stirred within, an inner recognition sparked after I had been called a “free spirit” by a male authority figure [in a space I was working at the time]. And it wasn’t because he meant it in an encouraging or congratulatory way. No, he couldn’t find another term to describe me, but felt saying it out loud would be a slight. How do I know this? Well, because he prefaced it with “So don’t take this the wrong way, but….” and it ended with “you’re kind of, you know, a free spirit”. And I smiled at him and asked “why would I take that the wrong way? I am a free spirit”. And the look of confusion and the angle at which his head tipped to the side led me to believe he was a bit confused by my statement of acceptance of the title.

Fast forward to yesterday. I never knew that there was a whole group of people who were referred to as The Bretheren of the Free Spirit*, mainly between the 13th-15th century, and in learning about Marguerete Porete [diving down the rabbit hole of Wikipedia], I not only learned a bit more about what was considered heresy in those times—that would lead someone to lose their life— but I felt a deep resonance with this woman and her journey. And sadly, not surprised by the almost comical hypocrisy of what these acts were carried out in the name of.

I also now understand why the unconscious response to someone who is not confined by the suffocating guidelines, dictated through structures built upon patriarchal foundations, is fear and resistance/rejection. Someone, especially a woman, whose esteem is sourced from within and doesn’t need the approval of the outside world to be embodied and in deep reverence of their worthiness, truth, and inherent value— I get why those people [my kind of people] seemed dangerous to the very core of those who held the majority. Those who subscribe to the notion that power is finite and must be taken or given in order to be powerful could not “afford” to allow people to realize they had the capacity to be empowered from within. Could not hold the tension of each one of us being sacred and whole unto self. It would completely destabilize the structure that all else was [and still is for the record] built upon.

I would also argue, that those trapped in the finite/scarcity model of power couldn’t/cannot recognize the ability to be sovereign and independently empowered in themselves, so how could they hold space for and witness it in others?

Free spirit has taken on an entirely new meaning as I look down at my arm, as I type these words. In another time, I would have likely lost my life over my deep belief, in alignment with Marguerite, the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, and the many others that came to this nous in their own right, independently of any outside influence or teachings: those humans that by just being, remembered the truth; who in finding their love, achieved union with the divine, from within. And again these words I shared at the beginning ring so powerfully in my heart:

“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”

There is some potent energy swirling in this wild time of human history and what i’d like to close out on is an offering in the form of a reflection— what i’ve been noticing within myself over the last 48 hours. Old wounds being activated around being misunderstood or misinterpreted and having my words or intentions twisted into something malicious when they are wholly benevolent in nature. Or others projections in response to my authentic expression, and their preconceived notions and beliefs around what is “good” and what is “evil” or “bad”. I’ve been knocked into deep reflection because of the intensity of the trigger felt within my body as these instances occurred— mostly my old “being good” narrative being pinged— and I had to take some time to unpack what my reaction to the outside information was really about. This is my work in action.

So i’ll also invite you to witness, if you feel so called— from an observers curiosity— the moments or experiences in the forms of people and interactions and the internal response to external stimuli as it relates to stories around belonging and safety/survival. The stories and old beliefs around who you feel you have to be in order to be accepted, loved, worthy. When you notice these themes coming up, just watch, with curiosity, kindness and non-judgement and see where it leads you…

The messages I’m receiving in response to my own witnessing, the support and synchronicities all around me are pointing toward:

-Boundaries. Not to keep others out, but to stand, grounded in love, palms out and open, with that aforementioned fierce grace and compassion.

-To continue on this path, even when there are days where it would be easier to cave, to be polite and apologize for the space I’m occupying, or to go along with those that are operating from a paradigm of who we need to be before we are worthy of love, belonging, success, etc.

-To witness my reactions to the projections, discern between defensiveness and lack of alignment with my own values and meet it always with love, even if my love could also be misinterpreted. To be me fully, not asking anyone else to be like me, and also not apologizing for the space that feels true in the depths of my being [i’m a sacral authority for you HD folks, so my truth often time calls to me from sacred womb space kind of depths].

And on this new moon, in the sign of cancer, that is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry**, the intentions i’m setting, the lesson i’ve taken from everything swirling, conspiring for me, is a looking back, to honor the legacy of love— and the fear that has labeled “free spirit” as a dirty word. As profanity. As heresy. And reclaiming it as the legacy of the divine— the beauty way that it truly is— that I feel will bring us into a new era of humanity, if we allow it to move us. If we are willing to do the internal excavation and reclamation work that will allow it to flow through us.

And I’m being called deeper within still. Peeling back new/old layers that no longer serve this current iteration of “me” but instead keep old karmic wounds festering. Giving these wounds new fresh air to breathe, and thereby heal.

Liberation of soul.

Free spirit, a legacy of love…

As within, so without.

---

Happy New Moon and thank you beautiful human for being here on this wild journey with me. Referenced amidst my post was an excerpt from a new moon reading around the presence of goddess Isis energy that I wanted to share here as an offering as it feels relevant in this moment [Isis currently transiting over my 8th house Scorpio South Node so extra juicy vibes for me]:

“Isis is making a harmonious trine to the new moon, bringing in some really big, beautiful healing energy. Cancer is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry, so there is potential for ancestral healing. Uncovering how ancestral patterning can play into our stories of self-worth, success, relationships etc. and how this affects us on an emotional level. With this new moon we have the opportunity to move forward with less entanglements from the past, and who better to support us than Isis, with her ancient wisdom and high vibe healing magic.”

-by Alexis Bolvin (@alexismidnightmusings on IG)

and finally a little nugget of wisdom from one of my favorite decks that I pulled last night:

“When your journey requires that you stand apart from the crowd, don’t be afraid to embrace your outsider status and the freedom it bestows upon you— to think differently and objectively analyse what isn’t working with the clarity that comes with a more remote point of observation. Your unconventional views may cause discomfort to some at first, but it is of the good sort. This sort of discomfort can stimulate a healing crisis, a divine disruption that cracks faulty belief systems, making way for inspired innovation and radical improvement.”

-“Earth Warrior's Oracle”

***

Out of curiosity and a little challenge to myself, I am going to write a post a day, 28 days, for one complete cycle of the moon. Reflections from the observers perch, what’s swirling inside of me in the present moment and in response to the world around me. The only “rule” i’ve given myself is that I have to write/edit/post all within the same day. I’m interested to see what comes through me during this time, how my expressions may or may not be influenced by the transitions of the moon and what unfolds between now and next month.

Thank you for taking the time to be here in this space witnessing me, in my authentic expression. And I would, as always, love to hear what was sparked or that resonated, that you have taken from away from this reflection…

Be well, honor your energy, your journey and your love.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brethren_of_the_Free_Spirit

S H A T T E R I N G⎨𝚝𝚑𝚎 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚞𝚜 𝚚𝚞𝚘 ⎬

Once the veils come off, once the illusion has dissolved, and the truth of what has been- what 𝑟𝑒𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 is- has been seen + heard + felt, it cannot go back to the depths and shadows where it has long been relegated.

For many, waking up to a world that is seemingly the same place, yet so far away from our perception— our lived experience— is jarring. A comfortable non-truth—  built on the backs of, and stepping and holding down others— that allowed many to perpetuate ways of being [for hundreds if not thousands of years] that clearly does not serve or hold space for all of ℎ𝑢𝑚𝑎𝑛𝑖𝑡𝑦.

And to have seen through the non-truth of status quo, we no longer can rest comfortably in it’s ignorance.

I wonder, if the resistance we are witnessing is really because of an inherent and core difference in beliefs/values, or more an unwillingness to letting go of the illusion, the non-truth held up by the status quo?

Regardless of the why or the intention (or lack there of), it is now being  S H A T T E R E D, no longer a safe space to comfortably rest.

And it’s resistance— violence, blame, shame, guilt, deflection, denial— is rooted in and fueled by fear. Tentacles of patriarchal power structures dictated and perpetrated under the illusionary “rule” that power is finite and the only way to be safe, to survive, is to take power or be given it.

It is the non-truth that feeds all else.

And once we are awakened to the truth, that we are all powerful beings, capable of empowering ourselves and operating from a place of “power with and power for”— as in power shared amplifies— then we have the capacity to begin rebuilding in a way that is conducive to living beings, THRIVING.

Taking ownership of the space we take up and sharing from a place of authentic giving, that kind of power(ful) energy only creates more and guess what? There is plenty of space for us all to be and to exist, powerfully.

Dominator consciousness will starve without being fed. The “food” it demands?

Your engagement, your point of focus distracted and depleted in the power struggle is the sustenance that it not only wants, but needs...

The call?

To do the hard work within, and to set and maintain boundaries around what energy you are feeding how and where you are giving, pouring yourself out. Are you feeling the tension of tug-of-war in certain spaces? What spaces no longer feel like a safe place to rest, because the truth of the rules of engagement is now felt and it doesn’t feel good? 

This is the work. And to be honest, there are far too few places to just be fully self in this world, but they do exist.

Ecosystems built on shared values like love, support, authenticity, community, inclusivity, empowerment and relationship like Femme Fatale DC and behold.her are two examples that I have experienced, and damn if it doesn’t feel good to take a big deep breathe, and rest in my all-ness, amidst POWERFUL and BEAUTIFUL humans doing the Same. Damn. Thing. 

These are the types of spaces I’m committed to creating and intentionally stepping into and give of myself to and also receive from. 

Because once you witness the TRUTH, the old way, it just doesn’t hold up anymore.

What type of spaces/places/relationships are you intentionally creating + showing up in?

How do they feel? 

So much love amidst revolutionary shifts in a chaotic world,

S U N + M O O N

You and Me.

The sun and the moon.

Me setting, as you rise;

Missing each other in the passage of time

Our celestial bodies, 

waiting for the eclipse,

That will bring us together again.

Overlapping.

Tangle yourself in me, my love,

as I take you over.

For only a few moments;

be comfortable,

aligned in love,

magnetized in polarity. 

You are my sun.

My light, my nourishment.

The heat and intensity igniting my passion.

My peaceful smile on a cloudless day.

The warmth that spreads across my skin as I lay back, vulnerable, savoring your touch.

The burn I nurse, alone, in the late hours of the night.

I receive you, fully, for all that you are.

Your shine gives me life. 

I am your Moon.

Always present,

even when you feel swallowed whole

by the darkest nights,

I am there.

Set your intentions by my phases,

your direction by my intuition.

I will always guide you home;

to your heart, 

to your truth.

You are my sun,  I am your moon 

June 12, 2018: Soul Love + Eclipse Season

A W A K E N I N G

4.14.20

[from the journal series]

Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy.

It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn't. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.

I think back to the “before” me and I know I was her. The memories and sting of pain, shame, dampened spirit still can be brought into visceral experience, but it’s like I don’t know that woman anymore. She is not me. And she is. So much has fallen away from that former life that it’s hard to describe to those who only know this version of me.

Awakening is brutal and beautiful. It is the most gut wrenching, confusing, shit show of a mess, and there is this depth of knowing that it’s on purpose, that it’s true. It’s perfect in a newly defined way. A never ending exploration of the paradox and dualities of being a human, being. Infinite soul living this temporary experience. It’s a learning: to sit with the tension of seemingly contradictory truths— both, and.— and a witnessing. It comes in waves; a series of moments and the moments between [the Void]. It's an unfolding marked with “a-ha’s”, accented by darkness

It certainly would have been easier to stay where I was.

But I would have been trading one type of death for another. Had I stayed where I was, in my marriage, in the corporate climb; had I stayed white knuckle gripped to my striving to be the “good-girl”, having it all together and approved of by anyone and everyone, my soul would have collapsed on itself. I would have been alive, but I would be a shell— appealing from the outside, pretty even, but putrid and rotting on the inside.

When I talk about this path I’ve been on, that I guide other’s through, I tell them that they have a choice— whether to step in or not— and I do believe that. And then, when I think back to my journey and experiences, I know rationally I chose to do the hard and scary things, but it was never about that. Don’t get me wrong: it was fucking hard. To not just be open to and feel what it is to exist in the world on a day to day basis, but to dig into lifetimes of repressed shit, a lot of mine and plenty that isn’t mine to carry yet has been absorbed along the way, has left me feeling like a fucking lunatic some days. Wondering if it will ever end, “am I doing this right?”, “Whats the point of it all”, “no seriously, am I fucking crazy?!?”.

I had a choice.

It just always felt like no good or easy choice, there only was the choice. And especially at the beginning, by the time I got to the point of making it— of changing my status quo— things had gotten so uncomfortable in some ways it felt like: “If I stay in this place, I die. If I leave, it’s going to hurt like hell, but i’ve got a shot”.

In many ways it was life or death.

I wonder if there is a gentle path to waking up? If so, I’ve yet to hear about it. I do know i’ve been forged through the fires of initiation, and there is more to come, always, but it’s as though my mind can’t allow me to feel the intensities of what the last few years has been like. It just feels absolute. Like the steps I had to take. As though there was never another way for me. Like the truth I need.

It’s the truth I need like I need air to breathe; absolute. 

Now, fuck if I know where it’s taking me, but it’s taking me. It’s a bizarre experience to witness Self in hindsight, to see the inevitability of it all as though a car crash is happening in slow motion in front of me. How every moment, choice, person, seeming misstep was like a perfectly choreographed dance leading to well…destruction. But, like, in the best and most awful sort of way. And while I don’t know specifically where it is leading me, or where it will call “plot twist” and have me reeling, in a pile of ash and charred bones, it does in fact feel like a dismantling of a structure designed to keep caged the wild ones. Destruction for liberation.

It feels guided with a pinpointed intentionality smothered in what feels often like chaos. Especially in the midst of it all. And the deeper I relinquish into Soul, the more I shed, and the more intimate I become with surrender, the more viscerally I feel the knowing— the more I welcome it, even though there is an awareness that it will likely hurt more than a little bit. And my Catalyst?

Suffocation.

Needing air to breathe and knowing when the air became too thin— too hard to come by— that death of one form or another was imminent. And with death, inevitably came change [on the immediate horizon].

Interesting that this virus is infiltrating our systems and stripping away our ability to get the oxygen we need for our organs to thrive— it’s literally suffocating us. In the microscopic depths— our life blood that flows through our veins— that needs oxygen to survive. Without it, imminent death. 

Suffocation walking us into awakening.

Drawing a personal parallel, it’s like my need for the felt experience of truth. Without it— something in me, somewhere in me, warning bells sound— something is wrong: DANGER.

And at times the suffocation was so slow and imperceptible that I didn’t even notice it until I found myself dizzy, disoriented, gasping for air. 

Corona virus as a personal metaphor for the fear— that kicks me out of truth and binds itself as a mimic, fooling even my keenest senses for a bit, until all of a sudden— I feel it, that perceptible shift, something’s not right. Something is not true.

And my healing: It’s a going into the depths, clearing out the muck that is weakening my immunity and alchemizing the infiltrated cells in order to bring it all back to balance. To true north. To the highest good. To truth.

I need Truth like I need air to breathe.

This is my awakening journey.

---

[in R E F L E C T I O N]

“A W A K E N I N G” was birthed as a journal flow I wrote about 2 weeks ago, reflecting on my own awakening journey as I was in the process of reading “More Myself: A Journey” by Alicia Keys and the last paragraph or so I had read before I started journaling one evening where she was reflecting on her process of waking up…

In many ways I was on the path to waking up for years before I really knew what it was. Before I could see what was happening. I knew things were changing, but I didn’t have language, context, role models or community to look toward for support or even a nod that I was going the right way. It just felt like no comfortable options were left and I had to choose the one that would give me a chance to breathe instead of continuing to suffocate [in the boxes created mainly of my own volition based on the messages picked up along the way]. I didn’t know at the time it was my soul crying out— to be witnessed, to be known— to lead the way.

I didn’t realize that the betrayals piling up were like shovels full of dirt thrown on a shallow grave.

I didn’t know until I couldn’t breathe and was forced to start asking “why?”.

And by “ couldn’t breathe” I mean I was actually having minor and sometimes major panic attacks before I walked into the home I shared with my husband at that time— I *literally* couldn’t breathe. I had already been in chronic physical pain for years at that point and most days I felt like a zombie because of the pain, the fact that my sleep was complete garbage and what I came to recognize were other factors that were crushing me.

I still didn’t begin to “see” [not with my actual eyes— but from glimpses into my soul] for quite a while after big change was set in motion, what those were all actually symptoms of. In fact, it took about five years for the big peeling back to really get underway. At that time, now eight years ago, I made one big life changing choice that gave me a little space to breathe, got me out of imminent “danger” [my partner at the time, to be clear was not a dangerous person for me to be physically around, so when I say danger I don’t mean he ever would have intentionally hurt me, definitely not physically, but I was hurting]. And from that point, eight years ago, I continued to do things that were betrayals to the essence of who I am, for years after.

In fact, I spent the next 5 years running; distracting and numbing, punishing myself and trying to avoid freeing myself from the cage of crushing shame and blame I had assigned to myself.

I was running from the truth.

Because I didn’t know what my truth even was and I wasn’t ready to go about to business of dismantling and diving in deep to find it. It wasn’t time then.

So, instead of seeking more truth after the initial “aha” from the universe that something was off and leaving— ending that chapter of my life— I punished myself for choosing what was a “yes” in my Soul. I see in hindsight it was because my choosing me, meant I hurt someone else and I didn’t even realize at the time that I didn’t believe that I was actually allowed to do that: to be that selfish. Everything I had known up to that point was to be a good girl, and good girls do not hurt other people for their own inner peace. Even to save our own lives. But that is a story for another day... 

All the time spent in between the “ aha” moments of recognition— that time making decisions out of my values and integrity, accepting crappy behavior from others and matching said crappy behavior; continuing to numb and distract and trying to force myself into a life that didn’t fit anymore— those times are also the perfection of the journey.

How can I see that as perfection? Because it gives contrast and forces truth to the surface. It’s all on purpose and it comes for you in its way, and in the divine timing of your souls unique path. And even the days/weeks/years that you feel you are fucking everything up, that you are lost and can’t find your way out of the darkness; when you are numb and distracted and you are starting to witness how much so— yet you can’t seem to get out of the patterns and habits— yea, that’s a part of it too. It’s all part of it. The highs and lows, when you are at your best and worst. I know that can feel pretty screwed up. And from the human level of processing, it absolutely is. But it also is true. 

All to say: Awakening is messy and inconvenient. Shedding old skin is at best uncomfortable; it can’t be comfortable as we need a certain motivation to lean into the metaphorical death of transformation in order to be reborn. Otherwise we would keep wearing and being weighed down by old, dull, dried out skin that maybe looks like us but that we have outgrown; that no longer serves our highest good. 

There is no path to true Soul retrieval and liberation that is not forged by some version of the metaphorical fire. 

And as i'm over here painting this picture of fire/death and destruction and *likely* scaring the crap out of you; as you may be thinking “oh hellllllll no” and possibly considering getting the hell off this page [and if that’s where you are I always honor that], you may also be wondering “why” and to that I will say: First and always because it’s true and as previously stated: I need truth like I need air to breathe.

And it’s also something that I have a niggling suspicion, that if you aren’t already feeling the inward nudge of recognition that you may be in the process of this grand undoing in order to become; if you have a sinking feeling in the pit of your gut [womb space] that it’s coming for you: It’s already happening.

I have this overwhelming feeling that it’s coming for more than a few of us at this time in our human history— possibly more collectively than ever before. We are birthing something new into the world right now, whether we are a conscious and active participant or not. There is a weaving happening beneath the surface, outside of what the rational mind can even comprehend and it’s beautiful and messy and hard and True.

And while it is all the stuff we have spent a lifetime [or multiple lifetimes] avoiding, because it is painful AF, or because we are flat out afraid, it is also the greatest gift there is. To be alive in this time. With the communities and access to information and wisdom we can tap into. To have the opportunity to come home to Soul truth. To sink deeper and deeper into the bones, into the knowing and sense of trust in all that unfolds. To step fully into our individual power.

It is a gift like no other. 

It is also the path to liberation. It is the path to unconditional love. And there is something so beautiful about feeling that contrast. The Knowing. I can’t adequately express with words the everything that it is, just that it is everything. And sometimes it fucking sucks. It’s both. 

So, as I am only beginning to scratch the surface on this awakening exploration, I will leave you with this simple and deeply resonant quote I love from “Women Who Run With the Wolves” from Rosario Castellanos, *Mexican mystic and ecstatic poet [who] writes about surrendering to the forces that govern life and death:

"…dadme la muerte que me falta…”

“…give me the death I need…”

◇

---

Thank you as always for coming on these journeys inside my mind with me… I would love to hear your reflections on “Awakening” and what it sparked within you. And if you know of anyone who would benefit from my words, please do not hesitate to forward and share.

I truly believe this is a time where more of us than ever are getting the call to wake up and I know firsthand how confusing and overwhelming this journey is. My goal is always to try to put words behind deeply felt senses and that which is unseen and hard to explain, so I hope you can feel the truth behind the words, even when the words may not make sense. This is a space of exploration and curiosity, kindness and non-judgement, and if you are looking to dive deeper into this awakening journey and are seeking a guide, I would be honored to support you on this magnificently messy and beautiful path of Coming Home. You can contact me at info@nicolettebernardes.com.

Stay safe, make being witness a part of your practice, and with so much gratitude and always LOVE,

*”Excerpt from Women Who Run With the Wolves” ,from the story “Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter; Clarissa Pinkola Estés,

N A K E D

{N A K E D}.⁠

⁠

What does it mean to be naked? ⁠

Without clothing? "Should be ashamed"? Sexual objectification? Exposed and vulnerable on display? ⁠

Could it be freedom? To be without the burden of the contradictions of who they told me I was supposed be?⁠

What is Me? ⁠

Self Portrait, April 13, 2020

What is it that you think you see? ⁠

Smirk on my face, ink on my skin? Innuendo? Tender heart? Feminine sensuality? Seeking validation? Beautifully flawed human dripping in duality? Yes. ⁠

A being barely keeping form; striving for a structure to rest within.⁠

Take me in— flesh + bone, heart + soul. ⁠

And then take it all;

take it all and walk me into the fire. I’ll burn. ⁠

Over and over again. ⁠

Take what you must. ⁠

»»»⁠

In this season, I’m being called deeper in; into my body, into my soul. Into acceptance. Learning what safety within looks like, feels like. I’m finding the home and safe place within. That place within my skin, beneath the surface— that knowing place: Soul. ⁠

I’m learning to let go, of people, patterns of behavior. To attachment of who I was before. Stripping down defenses, removing the armor one piece at a time. Withdrawal for reclamation. Savoring the resistance in stillness— an excruciating expansion. ⁠

Nothing to hide. Yet hide I still do; old habits die hard. But inch by inch I find my way back to the fragments. Those pieces of me that were never lost, just deeply buried. ⁠

And there is a change in pace in the moments that true being clicks into alignment— a perceptible shift— and a grace in the movement of life. A shine that radiates from deep within. A love of my skin. Of the deeply feeling, complicated, dark and often times heavy being that occupies it. ⁠

Do not become too attached to what you see. ⁠

Goodbye is never easy; ⁠

And death, a necessary agony.⁠

I’ll see you on the other side.⁠

Acceptance is the most beautiful gift of all… ⁠

⁠

⁠

{Venus in her Shadow»

Mid-week musings from the journal »

feminine reclamation »

life/death/life»

self love»

soul truth.}⁠

»»»⁠

With gratitude + always Love,

You have a choice.

I receive you in your humanity. 

Fall down. Get back up. Learn. Try again.

I do not fault you for your uncertainty.

I do not fear your chaos.

I’m here. Arms open, ready to receive you as you are.

Because who you are is enough. I know that may scare you, even allowing yourself to think for a moment that could really be true. Not only because up to this point in your life you have been reminded constantly how you are falling short; how you need to be or do something more or less or different than what you are in order to be accepted, to be given the love you so desperately seek to feel.

Those subtle and not so subtle messages have made it hard enough—damn near impossible even— to stop and rest. To be grounded and at home within. It’s hard enough to be accepting of your true self when the world is telling you that who you are is somehow inherently wrong or flawed.

But also, this message: "You are just enough”, it terrifies the part of you that has been conditioned to believe you have to do— to strive and to perform— in order to belong.

It challenges the lessons instilled that you have to sacrifice and betray Self in order to be safe and loved.

Because if in a moment, you were to stop all the striving and performing and seeking the “good job” from outside of yourself, and allow the truth of your inherent worthiness to permeate your entire being; if you could open up your heart and allow yourself to acknowledge that who you are has always been enough, that there is nothing you need to do or be more or less of in order to be worthy of the love, belonging, and connection you have always desired, there would be no more barriers in the way. 

In the way of what?

Of your truth. Of the clarity and presence and trust necessary to live in alignment with your unique purpose in this life. Of a sense of fulfillment. Of your empowerment.

Of your freedom.

If you were to recognize that you are already worthy, then there is nothing standing in the way of you having that which your heart so deeply desires.

Except you. You are the barrier.

And once you see that— once you realize that life isn’t just yanking you around against your will— your eyes will be opened to the recognition that you have a choice.  You get to choose how you show up and how you react to everything that you are presented with in this life. That is what you can control. That is all that you can control.

And to recognize that you have a choice offers you the invitation to get off the train of disappointment, victimization and isolation and requires you to take personal responsibility:

Of your choices to this point.

Of who you are as a result of those choices.

Of your emotions and reactions to your emotions.

Of the fear or shame you feel for the perception of weakness or inadequacy for having emotions; for being vulnerable.

It would require taking responsibility for your inescapable humanity.

[The collective paradox: we fear, repress and shame ourselves for being exactly what we were perfectly designed to be.]

And that can be overwhelming. But it could also be simultaneously empowering. Or maybe just disarming. Definitely unfamiliar. Yet maybe, just maybe a little something like a truth that cannot be denied if you were to sit still with it for a moment and allow it to sink in.

Maybe it feels a little dangerous to recognize that personal power has always been within reach and that nobody dictates that but you. Or maybe it feels like you have been led astray and you’re angry that it’s taken you this long to realize, or that nobody told you that you have had a choice all along.

[Maybe you are afraid of feeling angry or feeling anything at all.]

Perfect. Feel that, whatever that is.

Letting that truth rise within, when you have lived your whole life under the paradigm of power being something that must be given or taken, when everyone in your life up to this point has operated under that same belief system, and when all you know is the feeling of being controlled and emotionally manipulated, the shock of that shift can feel like everything is crumbling beneath your feet. Like the ground is literally falling out from underneath you, and at any moment, you could be free falling into a dark hole of oblivion, of unknown and uncertainty; falling to your death.

That’s what it feels like, or at least, that’s what fear tells you it will feel like if you allow yourself to recognize the role you have played in this all along.

And I’ll tell you now, if you were to decide to embrace it— to lean into that visceral discomfort of your current paradigm crumbling around and within you— this is exactly what happens. You will die. A metaphorical death that is, in order to be reborn into the Truth.

Liberation requires death. You must shed that which holds you in suffering and paralyzed by fear. That which has left you feeling unstable on your own two feet the majority, if not your entire life. That which has kept you small. This all must die away. 

[Who are you without the comfortable confinement of your own disempowerment?]

Do you know? Are you willing to take the risk to find out?

Falling into the dark absolutely will feel scary because it’s unknown. And unknown is a discomfort that feels a lot like danger. But what if you wrote a new narrative about death, darkness, the shadows? A shift in perspective is all it would take for the cold, lonely and scary darkness to become your period of incubation, free floating in the protected nourishment of the womb. Growing, supported and preparing to enter a new life. The darkness and all that comes with it, could be a gift for you. A caterpillar into chrysalis; dying off one form in order to complete the transformation into a butterfly. It’s all in your point of focus. Another choice that is yours to make.

From what perspective will you witness this transition?

You get to choose.

Are you going to grasp to the old, comfortable suffering? Stay in defensive maneuvering and under your favorite suit of armor, waiting for the next attack from the world around you to come, all the while clinging to and feeling the familiar pain of separateness, isolation and loneliness under the illusion of control you are so desperately attempting to maintain?

[It is comfortable, it will feel safer and easier.]

Or, are you going to surrender? Let the ground beneath you quake, feel the fear rise and lean in. Can you let the darkness [the unknown] wash over you and take you exactly where you need to go?

[Letting go for the opportunity of a lifetime: experiencing true freedom— the liberation of You.]

You choose.

You can stay “safe”. Fearing what you may lose if you risk opening yourself to the vulnerability required for the love and connection you so deeply desire to unfold. Taking your habitual defensive stance and not allowing anything close enough to you to ever hurt you again.

Or, you can allow the cracks you’re already feeling within— from the lifetime[s] of disappointment and pain— to become fissures; to be broken open, smashed to pieces and turned into ash and dust. To be reborn into the truth that you have always had within, always known in your soul, but has felt too dangerous, too uncomfortable to embrace:

That you are just enough.

That you are love and loved, unconditionally.

That you are worthy as you are.

The choice is yours. Embrace death or avoid it; shift your perception of what it means to die, or stay stuck fearing it, behind the walls you have built to avoid it. Defending your fortress of solitude. But if you choose to hide behind your walls, safe and comfortable, you will never know the soul shaking, shifting and expanding feeling of a true, deep and unconditional love.

You will never be seen and truly known for exactly who it is that you are. Because what comfort and safety requires of you is that you hide. And nobody can see you if you are hiding.

[You can’t see you if you are hiding.]

And to exist in this life without ever knowing your depths, corners and edges; to never touch and taste the exquisite duality of your light and dark; to never be stripped down, fully vulnerable and seen and truly known, loved and accepted by another— in my opinion— is a fate worse than death. For there is no living without death; and living fearing death with the primary goal of avoiding that which is inevitable, is merely existing.

So you choose.

Safety in hiding and comfort, being alive yet never truly living.

Or death in daring to open; accepting yourself, in all your brilliant and beautiful humanity, perfect mess and miraculous grace. Death for true belonging and experiencing the fullness this life has to offer.

Whatever you choose is perfect, and that choice is yours to make. All I ask is that you do your best to hear me when I say:

I receive you in your humanity. 

Fall down. Get back up. Learn. Try again.

I do not fault you for your uncertainty.

I do not fear your chaos.

I’m here. Arms open, ready to receive you as you are.

You are loved immensely and unconditionally.

And who you are is, and always has been, just enough.

With gratitude and ALWAYS love,

---

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively. Orange Butterfly “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

– Trina Paulus

---

Crystal Carryin', Ripped Jean and Hoops Wearin' Kinda Girl

Crystal carryin', ripped jean and hoops wearin' kinda girl, thats just how I roll.

Thrift and vintage is where I vibe… making that which is old, new again; classic lines with a little somethin' extra.

Repurposing, refinishing and up-cycling. Consciously consuming and luxuriating in a time when things were built to last.

Beautiful; scuffs and snags and all.

Ancient soul, throwback heart; from a time long, long ago.

Finding my way back, trying not to look over my shoulder.

I’ve been here before you see; hopeful and idealistic, and while some may call it such, not naive.

Loving openly, sometimes recklessly, like a child who hasn’t known lifetimes of heartbreak.

Old school with a young heart.

To be me, means to be… it does not mean to fit in, nor be a part of the latest trends.

[Authenticity requires me not to subscribe; to labels, or your expectations].

I don’t belong in boxes and especially not in a cage.

Not object nor creature to be admired and kept; and most certainly not to be used for your entertainment or at your whim.

Catch me if you can, but never try to pin me into a corner. Your attempts to control and manage me like another one of your scheduled to do’s will not serve you in my presence.

My desire to be affirmed and loved does not outweigh my Soul’s need for expression and freedom.

And freedom to me does not mean without boundaries.

It means with choice.

It means you choose me and I choose you.

It means that I’m going to defy expectations.

I’m going to say things.

I’m going to put my big ass foot in my big ass mouth.

Sometimes, I’ll be wrong and I won’t want to admit it, or to face it, but I will.

And, I will probably cry because, well, conditioning and lifetimes of experience whispers in my ear the danger and consequences of being anything less than good and right.

Or maybe it’s just the innate fragility as a consequence of my caucasian experience.

Either way, I just don’t like it— being wrong that is— but i’ll come clean.

Because what I want more than to be right— what I need more— is for it to be true.

It being me; us.

I need truth like I need air to breathe.

How do I know this?

Contrast in hindsight

I didn’t even know that for years I could not seem to find my way to a deep and nourishing breath.

Drowning in oxygen deprivation. Distracted and numb. A prisoner of a laundry list of coping mechanisms.

Death by the asphyxiation of non-truth's, silence, and avoidance for the illusion of self preservation.

And with clear eyes to see, and a heart open to feel [perspective] I can never go back.

Truth tastes too damn good.

And now, I express myself in so many subtle and not so subtle ways;

Embracing my personality— my style— with the approach of “who do I feel like today?”.

There is almost always going to be a piece of crystal or floral print somewhere on my being, that’s as close to a certain consistency you will experience in my presence.

That, and love of course.

My clothes and accessories are only an extension of being that serve as decorative draping

Insights and clues into my mood, emotions, love of my body and all the ways I get to embrace and show up in my skin. Don’t you dare become too distracted or attached to the surface image as there is so much more than meets the eye. A walking contradiction; still and always exploring and uncovering the overlapping and seemingly disconnected aspects of my being.

It's been an unwinding process— coming out of hiding— to step into what is really me.

A juxtaposition of soft and gentle, feminine and masculine, natural with an edge.

And as I continue to show up in the world, I often still have these out of body moments where I feel that either i’m fucking crazy and everyone else is sane, or I know some big secret that nobody else has figured out yet. It doesn’t really matter which it is, but i’m often left feeling not of this world. Like my ideas— my patterns of thought, and means of making sense of the ever shifting organized chaos around and within— are as alien as me.

[Which galaxy was I dropped off from?]

It’s unsettling to be within myself, and at the same time, it’s home.

When I’m at home with me it feels like I am unable to be with the world and when I am with the world sometimes I feel at home but, more often than not, am left feeling something akin to standing on the outskirts of a crowd; of humanity. I’m there but i’m not really a part of it [the whole, that is]. Sustained connection feels like an elusive entity, an elite society that I haven’t yet been invited to join. Complete with secret handshakes never learned, cloak and dagger, etcetera, etcetera [you know, all that Skull & Bones type shit].

Decades on this earth and I still don’t really know where I’m from, where I belong.

But I know. I can feel it in my bones, even if I haven’t been there yet, [or at least have not resided there for a sustained amount of time]. Funny how that goes. What I do know is i’m being called; to lean into and learn what connecting the disconnect of me from the world around me is really all about. Finding my way through the metaphorical fire swamp that is authentic human connection and interpersonal relating.

Learning how to be with other fully, whole.

On the occasion that I reconnect with people who knew me before I was the me I am today, the more I realize in so many ways how I put myself on this self imposed island of [surrounded yet] alone. And at the same time there were so many ways others have held me at arms length.

Was it— is it— me? Or them?

Well… maybe it’s that I am them and they are me. The reflection off and of one another, back and forth like a house of mirrors where the truth and reality eventually become so distorted one cannot know the real from the fake. Truth from non-truth. It’s impossible to know where you stand when you don’t know what reality really is and ironically, it doesn’t actually matter. It doesn’t matter where you stand. Well it does, but then again it doesn’t. Because no matter where you stand, there you are. And if you aren’t standing then you are sitting. Sitting out life. And the danger in this— outside of the health risks associated with prolonged time with ass glued to chair — is, as the old adage goes, when you stand for nothing you fall for everything… so standing for nothing equates to merely existing without living. And in that, there is no meaning and definitely no honor… but I digress...

Or maybe i’m starting to find my way….in other words, just getting started.

So, let's take it back for a moment, to connecting the disconnect, otherwise referred to as reconnecting.

It requires a reconnection of self to learn how to truly connect with others. And it’s impossible to navigate your sense of self in the world when you have no sense of self. Now let's add another layer to this [for shits and giggles]. What if your sense of self is formed based on the reflection of the world around you? What if, you learn who you are through other? And if you isolate yourself from the others, you never truly learn who you are? A bit of a mind fuck actually isn’t it?

And I’m right back to questioning if I’m the only one who spins into oblivion with the contradictions and similarities; the seemingly disconnected, unrelated, maybe even irrelevant, connections...

And really, ultimately, maybe it’s as simple as saying and believing, "I am enough”.

[Let’s pause for a moment and let that one marinate…]

All of this to say that navigating the waters of being human, belonging in the world and to self is tricky business.

Simple… so stupid simple, but not easy. I’m still learning the balance and nuance of being and doing. Being with other and being with self. Being with self and being within self. Being within self and being in my fucking head and ego. Because there is a difference. You can be with self and be so stuck in your head that you aren’t really with self. All the layers... And this is what this crazy ass journey is about; peeling back one at a time to discover only to uncover a new paradox and trap to fall into. New ways to become enlightened and disillusioned or possibly just delusional.

As in now. I don’t even know what sort of corner I just wrote myself into but I will attempt at another time to work my way out. At the end of the day it doesn’t actually matter. Because this is what it’s all about. As insane as that even feels to type on this keyboard. It’s these little moments between the moments.

Going from being nearly in tears at a kind message from a former lover to having an overwhelming sense of gratitude just to be in physical connection with another, sitting in comfortable silence, next to me as I plug away here in my wacky little world of words.

It’s the moments, between the moments.

But what do I really even know? Everything and nothing.

I’m just a crystal carryin’, ripped jeans and hoops wearin’ gal who believes in the practicality of the world around her but also all the things that cannot be seen, explained or measured.

Desperately attempting to keep one hand rooted above ground as the rest of her being swirls and moves below in the place where she resides. Kore and Persephone; the innocent maiden picking wildflowers and the Queen of the underworld.

She who loves deeply and fully.

Both desiring and terrified of the one who will step into her space finally ready to love her, fully and — as she is now within— wholly in return. Who believes that people are inherently good and that there is so much more than what we allow ourselves to experience.

That it’s all incredibly meaningful or maybe meaningless, but definitely, every moment, every experience, is significant.

And that it’s irrelevant whether we are real or this is all an illusion, because regardless, love and connection are what [truly] matters; the eternal and the infinite.

So, again I’ll ask, what galaxy was I dropped off from?

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This was a really fun piece I wrote a few months ago when I was in a particularly sassy mood and I’m so excited to finally share it as the first new post on nicolettebernardes.com (If you’ve been following along, this blog formerly lived on resilientlifecoaching.com) and after a lot of work, I’m so excited to launch this new site with the new decade! Woohoo (happy dance ensuing over here 💃🏽).

As always, I share these pieces of me, as an invitation for you to reflect within and maybe shine some lights on parts of you yet to be seen or acknowledged [that and to sort out the madness in my mind ].

I’m so freakin’ grateful for your presence here, thank you for reading and joining me on my journey!

If you have any comments or questions for me, please email me info@nicolettebernardes.com. Subscribe below to get my newest posts and insider info + follow my journey on IG.

With gratitude, and always LOVE,

PS: If you know someone who would just love this piece, please like and share 🙏🏼Thank you for your support!

why are you always leaving //

“Why are you always leaving me!”.

She screams. Silently. On the outside, she smiles, nods her head; mature acknowledgment of the greater purpose and lesson. Inside, fire. Just keep it together; don’t let them see your heart breaking.You have to be strong. You have to be understanding. You have to be gracious in the presence of pain and disappointment.

“But what about me!”, she demands.

“What about me?”, she asks softly; eyes cast down (don’t let them see you cry).

“Why are they always leaving?”

“Why does nobody stay to keep me safe?”

“What did I do wrong?”

Nothing little one, it was never about you. You are magic. In your kindness, your big, big love, your sensitivity, your pain and vulnerability. You don’t have to be strong. You can fall apart and fall down. I’ll be right here to pick you back up. I know this burden, heavy on your shoulders like 1,000 pounds of red brick; hot from baking in the sun; breaking your back, searing your skin.

I know it’s heavy.

I know it burns, deep.

I know little one.

You don’t have to be strong, but you are.

You don’t have to put on a brave face, or be good, or polite.

You can cry and scream and break; stomp around if you like.

You have permission to be big or small, to be loud or quiet; to be, You.

I know that weight is so, so heavy; why don’t you put it down here for a moment.

Rest your head on my shoulder; close your weary eyes.

I’ve got you, little one, I’m here.

-Conversations with my little Self; learning how to be here for Her, for Me, for Us.

My Mirror My Love

This morning I stood in front of the mirror and I talked to you, I talked to me. I looked myself in the eyes and asked the questions, felt the pain and wondered out loud in desperation and frustration… How? How do I let go? Why is the suffering so pronounced and how am I perpetuating it? Why am I stuck here?

Well, It’s an easy distraction. When the uncertainty of the rest of my life starts to crumble in around me, it’s easy to go to the pain and longing as a distraction from that anxiety. Sadness and longing are feelings I have intimate relationships with; I’m comfortable there. So I use you. As a distraction from what feels scarier, more unknown, more intense and out of control.

Also, I realized this paradox that keeps me here. It’s knowing… deeply knowing that I have to let go in order to allow in.

Which seems contradictory, I have to let you go to let you in. You being love. You represent love. The deepest reflection I’ve ever been present to. You are the deepest recognition of me, of my love, that I’ve witnessed in this lifetime. 

I have to let go of a piece of me in order to let go of you. And that pisses me off. And it’s also necessary. This is a different type of death; it is the death of the story that has played out one too many times in my life… The victim story that people always leave. Nobody stays to love me, to keep me safe, to protect me. I’m too much to be loved wholly and for someone to be there unconditionally. That once they get what they need from me, once they have taken from me their fill, they are gone because they really just want something simpler or are too afraid to go to the depths and intensity that I call home. That is who I have to let go of, and I have to let go of the suffering I feel as a result of your departure in order to call bullshit on that story. In order to truly be open to love. I have to let you go to let you in. You are love. My love.

I have been so angry at you, at me… for this time. For this pain I feel. The grief, I read today, is all the love that one has left to give that has nowhere to go [or at least it’s the mind’s perception of the lack of container to pour into]. I’m not sure if I believe that, but what I know is that I have so much more love to give … so much more… and the grief is like a neon sign reminding me of that. I feel trapped in it. And my judgement— my indignation of the wrongness of this space— is perpetuating suffering.

But looking at me, looking at you this morning in the mirror I recognized: this love, this powerful potent love—I know you know what I’m talking about— it has a place to go. I just have to decide to accept that and redirect it. I have control over where it goes and I’ve been avoiding this acknowledgement and ownership. Frankly, because I want to give it to you. I want. There are things I want and I don’t like that I’m not getting what I want. And you know the type of hissy fit I can throw when not getting what I want. The judgement keeps me both stuck and safe in suffering. All I really need to do is pour into me. To stop seeking answers and logical explanations for why and accept that the only reason I’m seeking in the first place is because I’m avoiding the space that the love must go first before anything I want can become.

This space is the final frontier; it’s the deepest darkest night. It’s Me.

Right now, I’m standing on the precipice. Will I finally jump? Will I finally let go? Relinquish to the transformation that has been happening over the past 24 months? Will I allow the transformation to move through me and complete this cycle?

The incubation period has been dark. It has been uncomfortable.

And the more I grow, this small space within the womb has gotten more and more claustrophobic. I can feel that I have overstayed my welcome. What a funny pattern I have. My birth was surrounded by the same cycle. I stayed just a little longer— I needed more time. I just wasn’t ready. And even when I was ready, I wasn’t ready. Because when are we ever ready? When are we ever ready to take the treacherous journey, through the darkness, through spaces way too small for our bigness, and out into the bright new world? Where everything is unknown; where the stimulus is so intense that our little brand new eyes, so sensitive, cannot even open to it right away. We need time to acclimate…one step at a time. We’ve been through this before and it was fucking terrifying. And now, with all the days and years of experience, we know how scary and amazing and dangerous this world really can be. With the awareness of that truth, is it more or less scary to come out, leaving the safety and warmth of a place too small for us, and begin again? I don’t know the answer to that because I’ve been hanging out in the dark and constricted comfort of the underworld, the dark damp world beneath. I know it’s time for me to come out, to begin again and be out there, unprotected; it’s time for the wildflower to poke her head above ground and risk it all to grow toward the light. It is the way, it is the path.

And, it is my destiny. I was never meant to be small, to play it safe. I am wild and strong and a little reckless in the subtlest of ways. I was meant to adventure, to explore the unknown. To maintain the innocence of one who doesn’t know better and believes the best in the world around her all while pushing the boundaries of the status quo.

That girl—she isn’t naive— she is a warrior of that which is good. She knows that something like evil exists, but it is her job to continue to see and reflect the good in all there is.

To be the beacon of doing better. She has to show up, even when she wants to crumble into cynicism and defeat. Even when she wants to blame and play victim, she has to show up and remind us all, that the world is a beautiful, magical place. That nature demands imperfection and is beauty personified and she is a representation of all that exists; a reminder of the simplicity and transformative power of a knowing smile coming from a place of compassion. It isn’t easy, but it comes easy to her.

She never was too rebellious or destructive, because that just isn’t her nature. The times she was, it was because she was trying to be something she was not, on the path to finding her Truth. And through that, she fell down. She crawled around in the dark. She hurt others and was hurt. She learned what is her and what isn’t. So it’s no longer even worth thinking that the grass could be greener on the other side, because she knows it isn’t.

Her rebellion is a simple one. Relentless authenticity. Truth. Kindness and love. Unapologetically accepting and loving all. She is a bright light and not everyone can handle standing in her reflection; and not everyone is meant to.

You see, she isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and positivity. She’s real. This shit isn’t easy. Descending into the underworld and keeping one foot firmly planted above ground is a test of will and a feat of strength… of trust. She’s a testament that it’s possible to lean in and not get swept up and lost forever in the swirling shadows of the deepest, darkest sides of humanity, even as she continues to straddle the fissure between two worlds.

She is truth. She is all, as there is nothing out there that isn’t within her. She is everything. Even as she doubts this, sitting on the floor, typing these words, in her childhood bedroom, no longer a child. She knows, despite her ego trying to convince her of her failure somewhere along the way. This is no random occurrence; it’s all divinely orchestrated. Though, she sometimes rolls her eyes and wonders why in the HELL she agreed to some of this shit. It’s confusing. To feel this divine knowledge and trust of the path that is unfolding while being practical in a physical world. It is enough to drive some mad. Some days it drives her mad… it brings to mind a line from a good ol’ country song by Sturghill Simpson once shared with her…

“So forgive me if sometimes I seem a little crazy/ But goddamn, sometimes crazy is how I feel…”

Sometimes, crazy is just how I feel, as she is me. Splitting at the seams. And then, in moments of divine clarity, I recognize that the fractures are to let the light out and the love in. They are there to teach me, show me my own strength and resilience. My own ability to heal and mend, my Self and to empower others to do the same for themselves.

This world, this experience, this body, this life… it’s a trip. It’s so easy to lose sight of the beauty within the mess when in it. But take a step back. Think about all the experiences that led to where you are in this exact moment, and ask yourself… could this all really be random? Could it be anything other than orchestrated by some power greater than you? Think about the greatest challenge you’ve endured and how that experience shaped you— the strength you gained—if nothing else from the recognition of the depth of horrors you can survive. How it prepared you for the next one, and the one after that. That’s resilience.

And stop for a second, right here, right now; in this exact moment, reflect on how strong, how capable and how blessed you are to be breathing and experiencing everything.

That’s presence.

Now, for a moment, look back and think about who you have been. This may be more challenging to sit with, but I invite you to smile at the shame, breathe deeply into the moments you immediately go to that make you cringe; to embrace the little you who you have continually judged as weak, that you have desperately tried to escape and say “thank you” to that survivor. Who you have been [despite your judgement] has led you to this version of you. This you, that is paving the way in this moment for where you are headed next.

That’s grace.

And you may not be able to see a clear picture of what is to come next, but will you allow yourself to feel it? Not being able to see what is next is not on accident. It’s a blessing and a million little lessons. It’s tempting you to trust. Daring you to let go of the desire to control and instead, to allow. It’s offering you the opportunity to listen and take action from a deeper knowing than your fear could ever let you see.

It’s overwhelming really to imagine my self in this body, in this life and my place in the order of the chaos that is this experience. I laugh to myself when I really think about it. The fact that I am, that you are, exactly on time; that we are all connected and a part of this collective, and there is nothing that we have to learn outside of us. There is only that which we need to uncover within. The outside world is just a reflection meant to help us remember what we already deeply know. The truth, which is, that we are all on purpose. We are all meant to be. We all are. It’s our choice how we show up and react to that.

So take a look in the mirror. Ask the questions burning in your heart. Listen for the answers— just listen—they are there for you. All you need to do is be still, to allow, to feel, and then… let go.

Let go and allow love in. ♥︎

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Thank you for reading and being a part of this journey with me. I would love to hear what came up in you as you read this, and if you have any questions for me, please do not hesitate to comment below or email info@nicolettebernardes.com.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Uncomfortable, Scary, Vulnerable: Part 3

Thank you as always for being on this journey with me! This is the final chapter (of this story at least). If you haven’t read Part 1 or Part 2 and want the full story click here

Let Go, Lean In

It is not the path of least resistance. It is the path of all resistance. Or is it?

It feels like resistance because it isn’t easy and because I have been fighting it in my discomfort and fear. Really, it’s just swimming with the current, allowing life to carry me where I am meant to go.

What feels like the path of all the resistance is really just letting go and allowing love to flow through me with trust. This is the paradox. This is my test. Am I willing to let go; truly willing to relinquish the illusion of the control I crave? To love myself so deeply that I can fully receive any quantity of his love and trust that I have the capacity to, moment by moment, choose the best course of action for my heart, and what is in alignment with my purpose? To live fully in my truth and authentically connect with this Warrior I am blessed to share space and love with, for however long we are meant to flow together? That nothing is promised but I will be provided whatever it is that I need in abundance, as long as I maintain this trust? These are all big questions but in my heart, when stripped down to truth and presence I feel a resounding "HELL YES!”

Is it going to be easy? fuck no.

There is going to be doubt and fear that creeps in. There have been and are going to be more moments where old stories, beliefs and conditioning take over and rip me out of my heart and up into my head, telling me “this is scary, unknown, uncomfortable and you are going to die if you don’t get out NOW!!”. In these moments I have to take a deep breath and remember that uncomfortable is where I live now, and embrace it. I believe in my heart that I can survive anything that comes my way. And not only survive but thrive.

Every experience — every passionate kiss, frustrating conversation, every phone call where we cannot seem to say goodbye to each other, every long eye gaze where neither of us breaks or looks away because we are so fully open and present to the other, every experience where doubt of my worthiness creeps in— is by design to bring me closer to my Love and my Truth; to the full expression of Me. This is my journey, my process. I am taking ownership of how I show up to each experience, each moment, and choosing how I react to the reality that I am presented with. This is what I can control.

I want to be free in love and I want him to feel freedom in love.

I want him to choose me for as long as it serves him and brings him closer to that freedom that the divine masculine within him seeks. I want to both share my love and fully receive every ounce of his love without expectation or attachment, as if it may be the last taste I ever get. That feels like living to me. That feels like freedom. Like bliss. Our commitment to each other is to live in our individual truths, honor our hearts and communicate that with the other out of the respect and love we share. And if either of us chooses to leave that commitment, then we will both be better for having experienced each other’s love. We will have learned so much about ourselves in the reflection of the other [we already have as I write this]. How fucking beautiful is that? We are free to choose. To experience whatever flavor of life we desire.

We can choose to come together or we can choose to follow separate paths, but we will forever be changed and better for every experience we have with each other.

Love is what matters, not what it looks like, not how much, or how often we feel it from another. Love is everything. In every quantity, shape, color and flavor. It is up to me to either accept it for its beauty and ability to change me, grow me, expand my own love, or, I can try to control it, resist it and ultimately suffocate and kill it.

That’s the choice. I choose uncomfortable. I choose unknown. I choose love.

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AFTERWORD

While my Warrior and I have gone down separate paths at this point in our individual journeys, I reflect back at the power of love;

love so viscerally real that the only word I have to encapsulate it is truth.

It has been an incredibly challenging journey. I was faced, in his reflection, with a lot of ways that I had not yet healed and I did the same for him. It was unnerving at times to be so open and vulnerable, to care so much for another. But it was also heart filling and healing in a way that I cannot even begin to describe with words.

For the sake of the authenticity that I talk so much about, the months we have now been apart I have felt a longing—a void— that I’ve never experienced. I made a conscious decision from the beginning, that I was going to be heart open no matter what; I was going to feel the high high’s and the low low’s, allowing my humanity to move me and do my best not to numb or distract when things got uncomfortable. I have been doing my best, and it hasn’t often been pretty. This is not the first time I have felt the pain of heartbreak. It is however the first time I have experienced this type of pain fully open… It’s deep and some days all-consuming, other days it’s just a tickle of missing. And it’s all ok.

In the past when I felt the pull of loneliness I would seek out someone comfortable, usually a man from my past, who would affirm me and feed my need to be approved of in some way, so I didn’t have to go about the process of meeting and getting to know someone new. But let’s be honest, it was really so I didn’t have to go about the process of meeting and getting to know me.

Also, new was unknown and possibly not safe, just as was the space within me. I’m recognizing now how true that feeling still is that I have... the fear of letting someone new into my space; the limbo I have been living in, between desiring companionship and being so scared of letting a man close enough to take me down to the depth of pain that I know is possible when I allow my heart to be seen so intimately.

So instead of moving in either direction, I’ve gone deep inward, and every day I’m still learning how to choose myself, how to be kind in the face of longing and my judgment of the longing. The story of “it’s been long enough, just get over it” has come up from time to time and all I can do, is do my best to determine when I’m feeling fear and take myself back to love in those moments. And trust. To be honest with and compassionate toward myself, about as much as I can be, no matter how messy and awful it feels some days. [This is all a part of it, this thing we call being human.]

This part of my journey is the epitome of what 'Coming Home’ is about.

It has challenged me and grown me in ways I’m still recognizing. It’s led me to question my pattern of prolonging suffering and playing victim; to witness my attachments and feel my own deeply rooted insecurities about my belonging and worthiness in the world and in love. It has affirmed to me what it is that I will no longer allow in my space as I have explored more honestly than ever before, what it is that I desire for partnership. And it has allowed me to see all the ways I allow fear to take hold and drag me around, and how that fear leads me to betray myself and compromise what it is that I actually want and need.

It’s also showing me how and where to set boundaries around my physical and emotional space, as I have had the opportunity to spend time cultivating the most important relationship: the relationship with my heart, and subsequently, with my inner child. I have come to realize she needs a lot more love than she has ever been given and I never saw it— or maybe just never allowed myself to recognize it— because instead of honoring her, I was too busy trying to be enough for others and fearing what would happen if I didn’t show up for them.

As much as I hate to admit it, it has put a spotlight on the fact that as much as I rationally know and believe the absolute I talked about at the beginning— that I am enough, exactly as I am; that I don’t have to be anything more or less of anything to be worthy of the love, connection and belonging I so deeply desire—it is something I have been bumping up against in resistance when I’m not grounded and when fear comes in.

This is the work. Just because we acknowledge our insecurities and the stories turned beliefs about our place in the world, doesn’t mean they just disappear as soon as we name them. This time has been for me to really face this story, give it a big ass hug [with only minor resentment most days], and be kind as I navigate the waters of emotional healing. It has been a blessing, and a lot of lessons and humbling to say the least.

Who he and I were together is over and will never be again, it’s impossible.

Because even if we were to be led back to each other at some future point we will be different; we are different. But despite this fact, this love— for me— was and is Truth. That never changes, no matter how much time goes by. Real love never truly leaves; people part ways and relationships move from lovers to friendship or to no connection whatsoever, but true love never goes. It just shifts. And there is plenty of room in my heart for all of it and more.

This is why I publish this now, because hindsight is such a powerful teacher. To know I still stand by this, something I wrote at the very beginning with all the possibilities ahead of us, and a year later it still rings true in my heart. And whether we find our way back to each other at a later point in time, or this was all that it was meant to be in this lifetime, I am forever changed by being loved by him.

No matter how painful it has felt to let go of the attachment of what could be, and the void I still feel at times in the absence of that powerful connection, I would do it all over again in a heartbeat— even if it meant going through the exact same pain that I have encountered. He was exactly who and what I was meant to experience at this point in my journey and it was through my willingness to be vulnerable, to relinquish to and receive him, that I saw vital pieces of myself in his reflection; in his love I saw myself more clearly than ever before. I allowed him to see me and in that, I saw myself. It’s truly unsettling for someone to be both a mirror of the pain and wounding I carry, and the catalyst for my deepest healing to date. This I suppose is the paradox of love.

Allowing myself to love him at the capacity that I have has led me to this place that I currently reside: in deeper love and alignment within my Self. Healing.

Showing up more and more, everyday, in the world unapologetically as the most authentic Me. Learning and growing and expanding, and giving other’s the courage to do the same as they cross paths with me. Love is a beautiful beacon to guide us and a profound teacher. My purpose in life is to bring more love into every space I occupy and help others see that within themselves. Experiencing a love like this— that reflected the depth of healing and fulfillment that comes from being in it’s presence— only solidified the importance that it holds to me.

This journey of ‘Coming Home’ I have come to realize is more than just a philosophy or a process; it’s a spiritual practice.

One that asks of us only that we honor Love and Self; trusting in the knowledge that is within, and walking out into the world in our individual truth to serve our purpose to the highest capacity we are capable of and along the way being offered the grace that comes from the understanding that we are all doing the best that we can.

I am fully aware of the idealistic nature of this entire expression. And to that point I will agree and say that I am just that, and it’s just who I’m meant to be. I have been told that it’s impossible and we are all doomed when I challenge people by saying that in order for us to be able to truly connect in beautiful partnership, friendship, business relationships— any type of relationship really— we have to individually find our way back to the deep love we have access to within, and be willing to show up in the world unapologetically as our authentic vulnerable selves; be willing to allow ourselves to be seen. And in order to thrive in this life, and be deeply connected in the way we desire, we must stop projecting outwards and take responsibility and ownership of our own emotions and individual healing; getting to know deeply and intimately that which is already within us and who it is that we truly are.

It’s possible. It’s uncomfortable, it’s vulnerable and sometimes it feels like it may kill you…

It is the greatest adventure there is.

It is everything.

It is love.

❤︎

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Thank you, thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart for coming on this journey with me. I’m so freakin’ grateful for your presence here!

I would love to hear your comments below; what love and coming home means to you. And if you have questions for me or a coming home story of your own that you would like to share privately, please email me info@nicolettebernardes.com. Subscribe below to get my newest posts and insider info + follow my journey on IG.

With gratitude, and always LOVE,

PS: If you know someone who would love, learn or grow from this post, please share 🙏🏼Thank you for your support!

Uncomfortable, Scary, Vulnerable: Part 2

Welcome back!

If you haven’t read Part 1, I encourage you to begin there…because, well… it’s where the story begins. But even if you have, here is a quick recap of the core of ‘Coming Home’

When we are operating from the belief that we are worthy of love—just because we are, not because we have to do something first— we can begin moving in life as though we are on purpose. We can trust and listen to our intuition as a practice. We are able to show up fully and allow ourselves to be seen and experienced in our truth.

Love. Trust. Truth.

These are the pillars of wholehearted living; the foundation for ‘Coming home’. And from this place, we are able to experience the authentic connection and true belonging that we deeply desire.

So what does this have to do with him telling me “I love you Nicolette”?

When is it Enough?

It has everything to do with it, because again, love is everything.

I have been so attached to trying to understand and conceptualize what “true” love actually means, what the value of commitment represents to me; what someone being there for me should look like and trying to quantify and control it. And then it dawned on me: I have to practice what I preach. I am going up in my head and swimming in all these "what if’s" and trying to define what constitutes it being “enough” for what I need and desire, and in doing so I am drowning this beautiful and powerful love. 

Why? Well, because I’m scared. Because life experience has trained my nervous system to believe that it’s only truly safe when I have all the answers, can see the outcome in advance, and have complete control of the situation. Which rationally I realize is not logical or feasible. Not for the kind of love I want…

I am judging whether or not his love is enough. What is enough is my love.

If I’m loving myself fully; if I’m filling myself up with love and showing up from a state of presence, trusting that what is, is exactly what it is meant to be, without judgment or attachment to how that looks, so in other words, I truly believe my own guiding principles, then whatever love he has to give me is enough and it’s my choice to receive it fully and with gratitude for the flavor and nuance it adds to my own love and life experience. Or I can judge it for what it may not be.

If I’m truly practicing what I preach and loving myself first and fully, then I am free to receive his love in whatever form it comes in, without expectation or attachments. Who am I to say that what he has to give is enough or not? If it is love, pure Love and Truth, it is always enough because it is everything.

So you may be thinking “ok yea, this sounds good, but if he’s not willing to give you what you need/want, then how can you say it’s enough?” [Yes, I’ve asked myself this question many, many times].

My answer to that— what I feel is true for me— is that his love, anyone’s love really, is always enough if it’s authentic, it just may not be what I need or what is right for me, and It’s my choice whether or not I participate in it. My responsibility is to determine what is best for me in any given point of time and to act in alignment with that. That is what I can control.

My inner turmoil related to this situation comes from the fact that it is uncomfortable. It’s vulnerable and scary because there is so much unknown.

I don’t know how this love and connection will manifest, I don’t know if it will stay a day, a week, a year, or a lifetime. I don’t know if he will choose to leave. I don’t know if it will annihilate me. I don’t know if I will desire it or even want to keep it forever. There are all these things I don’t know and what I have been doing is trying to hedge my bets and consider every angle as a buffer for the hurt I could experience. Well that’s not presence, it’s attachment and it’s fear, and when those two are in play, it’s not conducive to love flourishing authentically. Deep down in my soul, I know the truth; I am enough. That my love is enough, that I am worthy of the authentic connection — the love, passion, and true partnership that I desire. I believe that I am able to hold space for and be held safe by a true Warrior of a man, a man who is wild just like me—my King. When I scrape away the fear, this is the truth. It is what I trust. And when I step past that fear, and let go of the attachment it seems very clear and simple.

In this moment, his love is everything. It is what I am meant to experience now, and for as long as it serves both he and I. Nothing will change that Truth. I trust in that. His love is powerful enough that four words can literally change my physiology; it shifts my physical state. That is real. Where it goes from here, I don’t know, but I trust that I will understand when the time comes and as life continues to unfold for me.

Humble Yourself

During a recent class my instructor said the words  “Humble yourself to the universe” and I felt that message course through my body in recognition. It was a reminder to me to let go of all that I cannot control. I made that very decision: to consciously relinquish control, just a few months ago. My soul was calling me to let go. Now, in this situation with my Warrior, I’m being called to do the same...let go and trust. Can I really do that? Like really let go, really trust?

If I strip away the fear and shift into a state of love, this is what is true to me:

I trust my strength and intuition.

I trust him to do everything in his power to keep me safe; even if that means it might ultimately hurt either him or me (or both of us).

I trust that he was put on my path, daring me to step up to the plate and show up fully and unapologetically as Me and to challenge all of the constructs and beliefs I have of what it means to connect in true sexual polarity, to push me to lean into the barriers I have put up against it.

I know it’s time for me to practice receiving in my divine feminine essence and leaning into the fear that flares up in moments of intimacy from experiences that have nothing to do with him; trusting and opening to the strong penetrating energy of the masculine, to a man on purpose coming from a place of love and truth.

His energy is daring me to strip down and allow myself to be seen, to allow myself to be felt, to feel allll the things and most terrifying— to relinquish control to another, in love.

The situation is inviting me to find my voice and gain confidence in the safety of that. The safety of my truth and my capacity to stand with myself as well as allow myself to stand with another, fully vulnerable, and know that no matter what, not only will I survive, I will be better for it.

To trust that this man will be willing and able to hold that space safe for me; that he is not here to manipulate me, try to control me or take advantage of me— and I have the ability to recognize when he shows up in my life. 

There is so much that I am not sure of and there is plenty of fear when I allow myself to go up in my head and wonder about the unknown. But in this moment, it is crystal clear: there are going to be times when this is going to feel like the worst decision I ever made because it’s going to hurt. It’s going to be inconvenient for what I want in the moment. It’s going to be uncomfortable AF. And to us humans, uncomfortable often feels a lot like danger.

But this, in Joseph Campbell speak, is Act 2, [the hero’s journey]:

“The protagonist looks for every comfortable way to solve the problem. By the climax, they learn what it’s really going to take to solve the problem. This act includes the “lowest of the low”.

So basically, I’m in it. I cannot turn back now, even if I wanted to, because what once was there no longer exists and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. I have to trust and go through it. Stumble in the darkness, knowing that I will make it through, no matter how battered and bloodied I may end up. And not only will I survive, it will bring me to exactly where I need to be.

This is what it means to trust.

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Thank you again for being here with me!

I would love to hear your comments below with what if feels like to you— the thought of letting go of the control, the attachments, and allowing yourself to be seen and fully vulnerable with another? What has been your experience when you have done this?

With gratitude and always LOVE,

PS: If you know someone who would just love this piece, please like and share 🙏🏼Thank you for your support!

Uncomfortable, Scary, Vulnerable: Part 1

I wrote this expression in January of 2018, in the midst of an uncomfortable and challenging reality I was facing with a man I was relating in love with.

I didn’t publish it then, but it is something over the past year I have gone back to over and over again to reflect on, gain clarity from and draw strength from the truth’s that I feel in my core but sometimes in the midst of chaos, conveniently “forget” or struggle to get grounded in when my insecurities about my worthiness flare up.

Though a year has gone by, this is an important message for me as it not only speaks to that which I am so passionate about: love, relating and the importance of awareness of self and story, but this also was a place where I first recorded the philosophy that has been integral to my healing over the past few years that I call “Coming Home”. I have broken this original expression down into parts because there is a lot to it; the story of my experience, what it drew out of me, and what I learned from it. How being present to my Self, my fears, stories, desires and questions about relationship, intimacy and love all became intertwined into this deeply personal expression. How remembering these truths gave me something to hold on to when things were (and are) challenging, and continues to give me a feeling of liberation— layer by layer— of the stories that have been on loop in the background, perpetuating suffering and keeping me feeling like a hostage within my self for so long.

This expression is a snapshot of time and how I was choosing to navigate a particular situation. I look forward to it’s evolution as I continue to grow and learn and experience, both intimate relating as well as relating with the world on a human level. One of the most amazing (and terrifying) things about the experience of relationship is what can be learned about self, just by allowing yourself to be seen by and being vulnerable to another. Relating in love with another holds up a gigantic mirror, daring you to stand in the reflection and bearing witness to what is, beauty and scars and all.

I invite and encourage you, as you read, to notice what it brings up in you; feelings, stories…what is it that you instinctively feel resonance with or resistance to. Sit with that, and always come back to a space of curiosity, kindness and non-judgment, especially of your Self. Thank you as always for being here with me, here we go...

It’s uncomfortable. And scary. And vulnerable…

January 2018

It’s uncomfortable. And scary. And vulnerable…So that means, I should definitely do it then, right? 

After letting myself get all wrapped up in all the things I can’t control, all the things I don’t have an answer for, and the fear of having my loving, open and vulnerable heart possibly damaged, I was viscerally feeling waves of anxiety and intense energy; a telltale sign that I’m leaving my body and going to that dangerous place up in my head where stories are created in the absence of facts… 

 Then the words left his lips “I love you Nicolette”. Freeze — dead in my tracks— a warm feeling rushed through me and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling; the world stopped spinning. I felt my weight go back towards the ground. It was not the first time these words had been spoken to me, by him or others before him. His words though, with the weight I could hear and feel behind them, dropped me back into presence, and directly into my heart. I could feel the shift… my nervous system going from stressed, bordering on panicked to relaxed in a matter of seconds. The power of recognition, four words spoken from undeniable Truth and the resulting release in my body, the only way I can explain it is, my body-mind, my intuition, my heart knows Love and Truth when in the presence of it.

Love is everything.

Love is everything. It’s where we begin and end; it is inside and all around us. It is a powerful energy and our direct connection to Source, God, The Universe, [or whatever name resonates deepest with you and your spiritual beliefs]. It is Truth. And right now, it’s specifically challenging me…taunting me even; calling me to walk my talk. 

After we ended our conversation that evening, as I brushed my teeth and got in bed, my mind was spinning with questions. Sleep evading me, I opened up my laptop and started recording everything that was coming up in me, without judgment or filtering. The following is where I landed after sorting through that expression…

Let’s start at the beginning…

As I have been on this journey of self-discovery, healing and growth, I have done a lot of reflection, frankly on what the fuck has happened to me, on so many levels, and as I have attempted to document and describe what the transformation I have been experiencing really has been and is, the phrase “coming home” has come up time and time again. When I stepped back and began looking at the process as a whole, a philosophy began to take shape; a summary of the messages I have received that have been most impactful in my growth, that have given me strength and a place to lean on for stability when I was knee deep in the muck, and ultimately are with me as I continue to walk through life, open, and experiencing fully. To live in such a vulnerable way isn’t easy, but it is the way I have found allows me to lead a more fulfilling, authentic and wholehearted experience.

Coming home represents the journey of inward reflection and taking ownership of my healing— body, mind and spirit. It is a representation of the point in time I stopped looking out to the world for my validation and belonging, turned the lens inward, and started digging deeper.

It’s something I can always come back to as the foundation for all else; back to my Truth—back to ME. This isn't something I have had to learn. It is a knowing that has always been inside of me, I just needed to find my way back to it. This is as true for me, as it is for you.

Coming Home

It begins and ends with love [shocking, I know].

Recognizing and truly believing that I am worthy of the love I wish to receive and knowing that I have the ability to fill myself up with this powerful energy, any time, any place; that I am in fact the embodiment of love. This is absolute, the foundation that the rest is built upon; I don’t—you don’t— have to be more or less of anything to be worthy of what we want from this life; we are enough, because we exist.

It is also based on the important and noteworthy fact, that as humans, we are social creatures that rely on each other and as such inherently desire true belonging, authentic connection and love, not just for the good feels it brings, but for our safety and ultimate survival. I know this may seem contradictory to what feels like the reality of our daily experience— the fact that we deeply want to be seen, and known, and connected— since we spend a lot of time keeping others a “safe” distance away from us; through building great big walls of defense, wearing heavy masks and filtering our truth through a lens we think will garner us approval or belonging from the world we interact with. And all the while we are left feeling a lack—never truly feeling deeply connected— with others but really, ourselves.

We’ve been hurt. It’s inevitable in this life. But instead of acknowledging this— allowing ourselves to feel that pain without judgment and with an acceptance that it is a part of the human experience— the way we have learned to cope is generally to employ a defensive strategy, especially when it comes to interpersonal relating. Statements along the lines of “Don’t be too vulnerable” or “show just enough to get their attention, but not too much” run on autopilot in the background or we wait for someone else to make the first move and let their guard down before [or if ever] we let them see our innermost core. It’s a lot of power plays, positioning and egoic strategizing for the best way to maintain control and the upper hand all while still trying to achieve the type of intimacy we crave.

It’s not lost on me, the contradiction of that phrasing: “trying to achieve”. This in and of itself is a roadblock that undermines our ability to deeply connect with other. Intimacy isn’t a task to be achieved and being in control in the way we often defensively attempt does not go hand in hand with truly being intimate with another. You can have [the illusion of] “control” or you can have intimacy.

True intimacy requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires letting go; a willingness to open and receive love from another and allowing yourself to be seen fully— emotionally, physically and spiritually— naked in all that is you.

We have been taught by conditioning and experience that it will hurt too much, that it is weak or an inadequacy in us when we get hurt. So instead, we armor up and close off our hearts. Someone gets too close and we push away or pull back. Often we are still nursing the injury from the last one… you know that one [or multiple one’s]— the one that was careless with our hearts; those who we feel have abandoned or rejected us. Those wounds that all of a sudden feel fresh, no matter how much time has gone by, when a memory is stirred. So when we feel the discomfort of that kind of vulnerability— that out of control feeling— our nervous system interprets this as danger, and we instinctively pull back, never allowing ourselves to go all in. It’s our choice how we respond to that urge to protect and hide. We can decide whether we will allow our primal protection mechanism to keep us safe and hidden [yet separate] or if we will override it and take the risk of being seen.

From that out of control place, yes, you are exposed, and yes, you could be hurt. It’s a risk, but it is the risk you must take to have that which you desire. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth it or not. No right or wrong, but as I said before, true intimacy requires vulnerability. You can’t have it both ways.

There is so much more to this dynamic that I will unpack at a later time, but I’m realizing that no matter how deep I dig into the web of relating, intimacy, polarity, energies and connection; no matter how much I explore the wounds I have carried and the relationships that co-created or re-opened those wounds; I always find my way back to the starting point, which is love and self. My relationship with my Self and my Love. So whenever I talk about ‘Coming Home’, I am talking about the shifts that must occur on the inside for sustainable change and true healing to be possible.

Your outer world is a direct reflection of your inner environment, which is exactly why being with, embracing and reconnecting to yourself is so damn important. It is vital for each of us to find a sense of alignment, trust and safety within ourselves before we can fully embrace and receive others and have the types of deep connection we are truly capable of, desire, and deserve. This is what Coming Home is all about.

So, again, it starts with an absolute— I am worthy of love, authentic connection and true belonging. I don’t have to be more or less of anything to be worthy of what I want from this life; I am enough, because I exist— and from this absolute ‘Coming Home’ goes like this:

If I believe I am worthy of love, then I can believe I am worthy of trust; I am trustworthy.

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If I believe I am trustworthy, then I can listen to and honor my intuition; I can fine tune this powerful gift that I possess to discern what it is that I feel, that I desire, that I need and/or what is not serving me and act based on that sacred knowledge that is available for me.

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If I am in full trust and acting from a place of love, based on my intuition, then I will be living in my truth.

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When I am living in my truth, from a place of love and acting from trust, then not only will I be able to experience authentic connection with other like hearted individuals that cross my path, but I will also be more resilient in the face of rejection, disappointment and pain;

I will have a deep knowing and sense of strength and belonging that comes from being in alignment with my individual truth. I can accept that what is, is exactly as it is meant to be.

LOVE ↠ TRUST ↠ TRUTH

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△ ACCEPTANCE

△ AUTHENTIC CONNECTION

△ RESILIENCE

So, operating from the belief that we are worthy of love—just because we are, not because we have to do something first— we can begin moving in life as though we are on purpose. We can trust and listen to our intuition as a practice. We are able to show up fully and allow ourselves to be seen and experienced in our truth.

And before you say to me, “I don’t love myself, so how does this apply to me?” I am going to lovingly call bullshit. You may not be able to feel that love at the moment, but it’s there. I promise you. How do I know this? Because all of the coping mechanisms, armor and defensive strategies you employ every day, is your primal instinct to protect yourself. It is a means to keep you safe, to keep you alive. If you didn’t love yourself, you wouldn’t fight so damn hard to stay alive and be in the position you are in right now. You have found a way to survive this world, and you are still here, so in my book, that’s a testament to your love of Self. You don’t have to take my word for it, in fact, I invite and encourage you to sit with this idea and reflect, this is just what I believe to be true.

Love begets trust, and trust begets truth. When these are all in alignment, you can stand your ground, with a soft, open front and fully receive others. And, because you are present and open to receiving, you have the ability to discern what energy those you share space with are coming from. It becomes much easier to feel the authenticity of others when we are willing and able to be present with Self, in this depth of trust and alignment; when we can accept and be comfortable with our own vulnerability. This is a vital piece of this process, so I’ll say it again… willing and able to be present to our own vulnerability.

And again, it starts with love; loving self, trusting intuition, and being courageous enough to put down the armor and masks, stories and fear, and show up in the vulnerability of our humanity— our truth. We have to be willing to take that step without any guarantee that others will meet us there. It’s a leap of faith—otherwise known as trust—to step, often without knowing what the outcome will be, but how we choose to show up is what allows us to attract and be attracted to those who are doing the same and gives us the ability to see them clearly. From this place, all the mucky stuff— stories, fears, projections— are out of the way and not distracting us from being present to what is.

This is a practice.

And like training a muscle, every time I meet resistance and lean into the discomfort of vulnerability, trusting even, and especially when, there may not be facts or concrete evidence, it strengthens and reinforces my trust in my own ability to discern real danger from discomfort, to decide when to lean into the discomfort and trust that I’ll be ok despite any outside reaction, and ultimately allowing me to have the authentic connection that I desire and need for my fulfillment in this life. This is something I believe we all want on some level but many don’t know how to get to it or don’t believe it’s for them. With all of that being said, I will invite you to reflect for a moment on this question:

How often are you holding back your full expression of truth because you are afraid of being misunderstood, rejected, or abandoned if you actually allow someone to see the real, unfiltered YOU?

Vulnerability

As I mentioned earlier, we hold people at arms length because so often we are uncomfortable with and downright afraid of our vulnerability. We carry wounds from our life experience that makes it feel too dangerous. We are taught societally that vulnerability is weakness. Vulnerability leaves you exposed, for sure, but it is one of the ultimate acts of courage and it takes a willingness to lean into discomfort and allow your Self to be fully seen, even and especially those parts that are most uncomfortable. It is a courageous act to show to others, those deepest and perceived darkest (or lightest) aspects of you. And you know what else it is? Liberating! To be seen and known for exactly who I am and feeling confident and grounded standing in that, is one of the most amazing feelings I have experienced in this life. When I’m in my truth—fully in my truth—it doesn’t matter how I’m received or if someone agrees, or disagrees, because it’s my truth. 

And when you aren’t willing to do that, not only are you not fully in your truth, but also, do you really expect others to open to you? Do you really expect them to show you their truth; to trust you with that piece of themselves?

This is what I know, when I started pouring love into myself and allowing myself to be seen for exactly who it is that I am, all of a sudden people started seeing me. I felt accepted in a way, I experienced belonging in a way, that I never experienced before in my life.

So I know how scary that feels, to take that leap, to allow yourself to be seen. But what I know for a fact, from my experience, is that I feel more connected to the world around me, the more I have the courage to show myself to the world and allow others to see me in my truth. As I said before, It always comes back to love and relationship with self. This is the way home…

Love.

Trust.

Truth.

These are the pillars of wholehearted living; the foundation for coming home.

So jumping back to where we began, what does this have to do with him telling me “I love you Nicolette”?

Stay tuned for Part 2…

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With gratitude and ALWAYS love,

(re)Introduction

Allow me to reintroduce myself…

Some of you may be thinking “when did you ever introduce yourself in the first place”, to which I will respond, “Fair, you got me” ;). So what then, do I mean by this?

First, this actually is a true reintroduction, as I started this blog a little over 2 years ago. I published a total of 3 posts in the first two years (impressive right?), and a full year of that time I took my entire website offline as I was reworking it and, really, I was reworking ME. I had to come to terms with who I was— as a woman and entrepreneur— as well as really get to work discovering and uncovering how I am meant to show up in this world and serve. So the first part of this reintroduction is for those of you who may have caught a rare glimpse of my first few posts and my minimal social media engagement over the past two years. It’s a way for me to share with you a bit more about who I am today, what I have learned and continue to learn and the stories and my reflections of the experiences that have shaped, bent, bruised, burned me to the ground, yet didn’t break me. They did however show me the resilience I possess to survive and the resourcefulness I possess to thrive in this human experience.

The other meaning behind (re) introduction is a more existential, soul level introduction of Me. It’s the me that remains after the aforementioned bending, bruising and burning to the ground, which was and continues to be a peeling back process that allows me to be here, as the truest me to date. So let’s try this again…

Allow me to (re)introduce my Self…

My name is Nicolette Bernardes, and I am a lot of things. So many, that I find it overwhelming to try to summarize and frankly don’t particularly like labels and boxes, but for the sake of ease, a few things about me:

I’m an empowerment coach, writer, motivational speaker and creative. I started my coaching business, Resilient Life Coaching, three years ago with a mission to help others on their healing journey; empowering them to live the life they were meant for— a life full of the love, authentic connection and true belonging we as humans so deeply desire.

I am a woman with a big wide-open heart leading with vulnerability, messy and often inconvenient, yet inspiring truth. I love pretty notebooks, all things floral, ripped jeans, COFFEE and my free spirit is most at peace immersed in the depths of the woods (and if there is a river or any flowing water, bonus points).

I tend to see the best in people—I’m a bit of an idealist I suppose— and I believe there is magic in us all. One of my gifts is that I see that magic and empower others to step out of the boxes that keep them small and support them as they step into that unique greatness that only they possess. To witness this type of transformation is one of the greatest joys I get to experience in this life.

I believe we are all here to serve a unique purpose— there is nobody that is here on accident— and the more of us that feel safe showing up in the world dripping in our vulnerable truth, the better the world instantly becomes.

This core belief, that the world is a more beautiful place when we remember who the F we are, why we are here and start showing up every day in that power, and on purpose, it’s because of this, I have been called to co-create and lead a movement of RELENTLESS AUTHENTICITY.

Oy, that makes my stomach drop a bit making that bold statement, but this is a piece of my purpose… to catalyze the alchemical energy of authenticity to create the beautiful shift this world is aching for; moving from a state of fear to a state of love. More on that to come…

Coming Home

These past two years have been a stepping back from doing, and a diving into my being… a journey of Self exploration. One dear soul sister referred to it as my “Heart Journey” which I fucking loved…oh yea, I did forget to mention that I cuss— more than sometimes— a well placed F-bomb just feels good, #sorrynotsorry… but anyway, back to the story… I felt and continue to feel so much resonance within that description, my heart journey. What it is above all else though, is a coming home process. My coming home to Me— my truth, my love. There have been so many things I’ve discovered and learned (am learning) to embrace. And I know that I went through all of it, so I could better show up in my purpose and serve the exact way that I am meant to— to help guide and support others on their own journey home.

It’s been a hard fight stepping up and standing in all that is me.

I’ve been through a hell of a lot the past few years: beautiful, heart filling experiences, and facedown moments. From being betrayed in traumatic, heart numbing ways, left reeling and re-writing the script of my life out of necessity, to healing from physical pain and illness, all while trying to grow a new coaching business. I fell deeply, consciously and openly in love for the first time in my life and then remained fully open, feeling everything— also for the first time— in the face of heartbreak. I’ve traveled for over six months in the last year and a half, been to six new countries, a few new states, gotten REAL uncomfortable (and done some seriously strange things) in the name of self discovery and growth. And through it all I have met the most amazing humans… individuals that I’ve deeply connected with, who have supported me, challenged me and loved me without condition. And with every interaction, I’ve been left fuller and more expansive from their love, energy and presence. I’m so immensely grateful for all of it.

I am a writer

I’ve always been obsessed with words: song lyrics, poems, quotes, and for those that know me, I talk a LOT. For a long time I told myself I couldn’t express myself in a creative way, so I hid behind the words of others. I actually actively told myself for most of my younger years “I’m just not creative”. What an epic load of bullshit that was. It has taken me until this point, to be ready to open and begin to express myself in this vulnerable medium…on paper (or the electronic equivalent) without filtering or spending a ridiculous amount of time editing for perfection or approval. Seriously, in a not too distant past, I used to filter my own journal entries because I couldn’t even be real with ME…so the idea of sharing vulnerable truth’s with others and it being imperfect…no wayyyy [insert minor anxiety attack here].

It has taken me until now to declare that I am a writer. I write poetry, prose, essays, and unstructured rants, and am working on my first book (more stomach somersaulting). This scares me to declare, for many reasons, but mostly because it makes it real and it makes me feel a special kind of vulnerable (like, naked level vulnerable— actually come to think of it, I would prefer to be naked). But it is real. It’s a deeply personal, instinctual urge to express myself, to allow myself to be heard in MY voice. It’s a pull I feel to lay it all out, as a personal liberation— from shame, the not enough’s and too much’s; it’s the way I untangle the knots in my mind. This is why I write.

I also know so much of my healing and self-recognition has come from reading and hearing the vulnerable stories and journey of those before me— their triumphs and facedown moments, wisdom from a place of hindsight, and the practical research and knowledge they were willing to expose themselves for— that mirror they held up to me has been more transformative than I can describe. This is the power of words, the power of personal story. This is the power of TRUTH: it heals and saves lives.

To get here, I had to step out of my need to be approved of, my desire to “be good”.

I was afraid to be judged for what I share (and still am at times); afraid to be condemned for what I’ve done in my past, and/or be told I’m not a good enough writer or that what I have to say is wrong, or yet worse, that nobody cares about what I have to say. Welllllll, that was then, and this is now. I still get a pull of what I will label as anxiety when I post something really vulnerable, but now I just do it. If it’s calling to me, if it is healing or empowering for me, it could be healing and empowering for someone who reads it. If I can help just one person know that they aren’t alone in their experiences of this life and that they aren’t the only ones who are messy, fuck up and get hurt; let them know that they aren’t the only ones who are afraid of showing the world who it is they truly are; it’s worth any discomfort I feel or judgment I receive. All that matters is, it’s my truth— no striving or expectation of how it will be received— just me.

If you choose to continue on this journey with me, you will see a lot of writing that I am currently creating, but also that I have written over the past 2 years; stories, poems, reflections from experiences I have had. These are pieces of me that I sat on, held back, because I wasn’t ready yet to step into and truly embrace my creative expression; to truly embrace all of Me. How beautifully symbolic as a representation of Self exploration and growth. So, while I gave myself a really hard time for not sharing this work at the time that it was created, I’m grateful that I didn’t, because I wasn’t ready, and now I am.

Relentlessly Authentic

This blog is a space for me and for you, much like the spaces I intentionally create for others to explore and heal in my coaching and facilitating—but with a nuanced difference. It’s an opportunity for me to share a deeper, more vulnerable, raw— AUTHENTIC— piece of my Self with you. I do this because I truly believe that sharing our truth, speaking our shame, and owning every part of our beautifully messy, imperfect yet perfectly ordinary selves is the path to freedom; it is the path to wholehearted living. So I share to heal and to inspire you to take action in your own life as it serves your own unique journey. I share for us to learn and grow together. Welcome and thank you for choosing to be here with me. I’m excited to continue to lean into the discomfort of vulnerable expression and practicing the act of standing in my humanity. I invite you to do the same.

This is a space where judgment has no place, where all are welcome, and where vulnerability and authenticity are applauded. A place where we can put down the weapons and take of the masks and armor.

It’s a place where we get to explore and challenge that which has been learned through cultural conditioning and life experience, and how that shapes who we are and the ways that we show up in the world.

I’m going to talk about the things that are hard for me (and I imagine others); topics that often bring up divisiveness and where our defensiveness instinctually kicks in. My commitment is to do my very best to create a container where we can lean into the discomfort of these polarizing topics, LISTEN to one another and have honest and respectful conversations about hard things. A place where we can be imperfect, admit where we have been wrong, AND still feel safe and held all while encouraging each other to critically think and grow. A place where love comes first.

This is a step toward creating the community my soul is calling to be a part of.

One where we ALL are embraced for exactly who it is we are and where being vulnerable and leading with love are empowered and revered as one of the greatest acts of courage.

This is what a movement of relentless authenticity represents to me.

I can’t promise a perfectly curated progression of expressions, that’s not really how I roll… I am going to post what is resonant to my experience in the present, that which feels right and true to me now. Sometimes it may look chaotic, other times feel dark, definitely sometimes idealistic; sometimes it will be silly, sensual and/or indulgent. This is all me, committed to being all the human things, learning and sharing that which is significant as I attempt to make sense of this crazy world…

I would love to hear from those of you spending your valuable time reading my work; I want to hear your stories, your practice and struggles as you move towards being your most authentic self… your coming home. I would love to see your creative expression and hear your truth, and I would be honored to hold that space for you, as you come along with me on this beautiful journey. If this resonates with you, join the movement! Sign up for my newsletter below, email me, comment, and/or connect with me on social media, I can’t wait to meet you!

There is so much more to come and I can’t wait to share it with you!!

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With gratitude and ALWAYS love,

Edinburgh

September 3, 2018

I’ve never loved the rain so much

As I do when I’m in your embrace

I never have smiled at overcast skies

As I do when walking in your shade

Everything about you feels like home

And in those moments

When your sunny disposition peeks through the gloomiest of moods

The world gets a taste of the warmth of your core

the Truth

I have felt since the moment

I stepped foot upon your sacred ground.

[Edinburgh; my love]

You Don't Belong Here Anymore

I had a dream last night.

You were there.

I was there.

Missing was the familiar medley;

Pain, shame and disassociated indifference

often felt during waking hours,

when I think of our time together,

when I think of the shadow of you.

I was me.

You were you.

The scene unfolding was a familiar one;

You, charming, persuasive and attentive.

Me, observing everyone in the room falling for it.

I was falling for it.

Again.

Then a moment came

A sense of peace washed over me

I sat you down.

I asked you to leave.

To never come back.

No apology.

No explanation.

No malice in my tone, nor my heart.

I meant it.

You knew it.

You don’t belong here anymore.

I don’t want you here.

And then,

I woke up.

Free.

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This expression came through me after a dream I had a few months ago.

It is about a man I compromised and compromised and compromised myself to belong to and be deemed worthy or enough. A relationship, where there was so much emotional trauma, and by the time it ended, I was so worn down, I shut down. One in which my emotional and physical health was compromised because of the ways I twisted myself into knots to be enough to receive his “love”.

I have had to come a long way, dive into the darkness and pass through some incredibly painful points to find forgiveness, mostly of myself, for how I was betrayed. I allowed another’s manipulation to shape so deeply what I believed about my worthiness and as a result nearly lost my mind trying to prove I was enough.

He was good, I’ll give it to him, he knew just how much distance to create to put me on the brink of throwing my hands up and saying “enough is enough”, then would come back and be the perfect picture of a doting, loving partner. That confusing, emotionally exhausting cycle went on (and off) for three and a half years. I lost so much of myself during that time; out of shame, I isolated myself, and nobody knew all of what was going on; I shared fragments, mainly for my sanity, not because I really wanted to share. After a certain number of experiences I went through with him, I reached a point where I felt broken beyond repair; like nobody but him could possibly hear it all and still love me. All the effort, all the fighting and screaming at the top of my lungs to be heard, was the war — that if I just survived, then on the other side we would have this unbreakable bond, the forever kind. That happily ever after kind of stuff. Needless to say, that didn’t happen….

In February 2017, it ended in both dramatic and anti-climatic fashion when it was confirmed, and really I was finally ready to see the truth, that he had been cheating on me, carrying on at least one other relationship (likely more), and all the plans that he and I had made together were built on lies. When I found out I knew instantly that not only was it all true, I was absolutely done. With that decision I was left reeling, having to come up with a new plan. At that point I had made a number of moves in my life in order to set up the life we were going to have together — that perfect picture he painted. I was devastated, embarrassed and funny enough, not at all surprised. I was so broken down and numb at that point I totally disassociated real feeling toward what had happened, it just happened. And I didn’t know how to mourn a person that didn’t really exist..I mean, how does one mourn an illusion? I just had to keep moving and come up with a new plan.

It was the biggest blessing I could have received, because I would be a shell of who I am, had I not been kicked so hard in the stomach with the truth of his lies and manipulation.

But there were a lot of wounds I carried and scars that needed healing, both from him and other past situations that tied in to why I was so ready to believe I deserved the treatment I received. It was incredibly confusing to untangle the web, as there were things he did in service of me that helped me grow along the way and things I can clearly see he did as manipulations to control me, and they were woven together so tightly it took a long time to figure out what I believe, my truth, that wasn’t tainted with his manipulation. It’s been a long journey back. The nearly two years since that relationship ended has been intensely felt- in every sense of the word, every emotion possible. High’s and low’s would be a gross understatement ;).

But these times, where I am feeling EVERYTHING fully, are representative of me finding my way home to myself; letting go of the weight of responsibility I was carrying from the experiences that wounded me so deeply.

The time since he left my life, have been the best of my life and it only gets better; because the more I feel through, the more I fall in love with myself and acknowledge how fucking strong and resilient and how full of love I truly am. How I am enough— that I’m only too much for those without the internal structures to receive me in my fullness, and that’s ok. I’m not for every man and not every man is for me.

The dream that was the inspiration for this poem, was a piece of me clicking into place. Forgiveness and letting go; my deeper Self acknowledging, not just how what he did was not okay, but more importantly how it wasn’t my fault. I can forgive myself for ignoring my intuition, over and over again and letting him into my space (over and over again) when deep down I knew he wasn’t authentic. I can forgive myself for that betrayal because I can acknowledge the pieces of myself that hadn’t yet been healed or honored from experiences from before him, and see clearly how that drove so many of my behaviors and decisions. I take responsibility for my actions and reactions during that time, but I no longer take responsibility for his part.

I have contrast, I have scars, I have so many beautiful experiences and I have hope.

And that dream, to me, signified forgiveness because I don’t feel hate or shame or even much anger about it anymore. I feel sad for the little boy inside of the man that is doing the best he can, but his best is harmful. I imagine parts of him feel so small that he manipulates and lies and creates false realities in order to maintain control. He uses people to play some game that he can win and stay ahead of the chaos, and most dangerously he lacks empathy. It’s unfortunate and all I can do is pray that he finds some peace so that he stops hurting others.

But he no longer holds weight over me. He can’t touch me anymore. He doesn’t belong here anymore, I no longer hold space for him in my body/mind/spirit and that feels a lot like freedom to me.

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I recognize this post may be triggering. If you are working to come to terms with any sort of abuse, whether it’s at the hands/words of an intimate partner, a family member or other, I’m holding space and love for you. If you have been the abuser in the past and this resonates with you in a way that feels shameful or painful, or are coming to terms with the co-created dynamics of an emotionally unhealthy relationship— I’m holding space and love for you. Seek the support that you need, speak your truth on your time, no matter how ugly it feels, accept hugs, learn, grow.

We all deserve safe spaces, may we find them, may we be them.

Thank you for reading and being here! If you have any comments or questions for me, please email me info@nicolettebernardes.com. Subscribe below to get my newest posts and insider info + follow my journey on IG.

With gratitude, and always LOVE,

BEing in 2019

When thinking about what I wanted to bring into this new year, I reflected on what 2018 has meant to me.

So many lessons, challenging and fulfilling experiences, beautiful connections with like-hearted humans. And the most impactful message I received at the end of 2017, which was “let go”. So i’ve been doing just that:

letting go of who I thought I was supposed to be in order to be loved, successful, to belong, to be fulfilled.

I have been letting go of the way I think things should look/unfold (or that I’m comfortable with) and accepting them for whatever they actually are. As a result, my journey home to myself has unfolded in a major way; every time I release, an unlocking occurs. Stripping away the layers and locks and barriers that have kept me from showing up as my authentic, vulnerable and powerful self.

Letting go continues to call my name; letting go of control, of attachment, of fear, at times with a smile on my face and ease in my body, and others…well let’s just say, not so gracefully (insert eye roll here). So while it was the theme of 2018, it’s definitely being taken into 2019 as a compliment to what it is that i’m calling in.

There have been multiple death’s happening within my psyche, over the past 22 months really, but in 2018 I finally began to embrace and allow the painful and beautiful ways they move and change me; and how VITAL they truly are. These death’s are what are bringing me into 2019. They are the darkness I’ve been stumbling my way through, and with each death and period of darkness I spend rolling around in the muck, emotional turmoil, and uncertainty, a rebirth occurs. Each new beginning brings me one step closer, to ME. The darkness has brought me into the light and letting go has created the space for me to show up and stop playing small.

I am stepping over the threshold, from a year that has brought high high’s and low low’s; the most intense growth of my life led by experiencing true, deep, soul shifting love, heartbreak, travel, adventure; so much I have a hard time organizing it in my mind, but my heart knows. This felt experience continues to unfold and I’m stepping into 2019, head held high, heart still a bit bruised, but ready… ready for what is for me.

This year is about being, it’s not a doing.

It doesn’t mean I don’t do, but it means I listen and move in alignment with what and where my truth, my love, my purpose, is calling for me to BE. The movement (otherwise know as the doing) follows, it need not lead. This is a big year for me. I can feel it. It terrifies and excites me. But it is going to be made by trust and allowing and a bit more letting go ;).

And that’s exactly what 2019 is calling for me to be: in trust and allowing.

Allowing that which I desire the most to find the way to me. Trusting the deep and powerful intuitive messages I receive constantly. Listening and being willing to receive whatever they are, without attachment to where that may lead me. Trust, allow. Allow, trust, and more letting go.

For those of you feeling overwhelmed already on January 1st, I share this as a reminder to check in with your Truth. How often do you allow yourself to just be? How often do you listen to the pull to slow down and reassess your trajectory? How often do you judge or feel guilt when you say “no” to others and “yes” to your Self?

This is my invitation to you. Get present. TO YOU. Love yourself so luxuriously that all that love and vital energy pours off of you and fills up every space you occupy.

Allow your true magic to flow.

Allow yourself to receive.

Allow yourself to BE.

No matter what your goals, aspirations and visions of the future hold, you will achieve what you ALLOW through being in alignment with your truth, your love; through trusting your Self and using that to guide you.

So, I have one more question I invite you to consider…

If you were to look back at the end of this amazing life; you, all wisdom and gray hair and wrinkles— physical signs that you have truly lived and learned the lessons along the way— out of everything done, achieved, accomplished, what is it that TRULY MATTERED?

Whatever those things are… do more of that.

This life is meant to be lived. This life is yours to create and choose. You deserve it. You are worthy.

Allow. Trust.

So in this year, my year of allowing and trusting (and some more letting go), I’m choosing what matters… to live my life leading with love, open hearted, and vulnerable. I am living my purpose and designing the life that allows me to BE exactly who I am. I am creating safe spaces, I am empowering every person I meet to step into their greatness and I am helping guide them home. I’m so excited for what is BEING created!

Have a happy and blessed 2019!

With gratitude and always LOVE,