the darkest day //

The Darkest Day// Artist: Nicolette Bernardes

December 21, 2021: Winter Solstice; Sun, Marcury, Pluto, Venus in Capricorn.

A shift in seasons once again. As if the type of darkness we’ve been navigating wasn’t enough— we hit the literal peak. And now, we slowly step our way toward the light. A beautiful pause at the bottom, a moment to settle, be still and reflect. but winter in not over just yet dear one, it’s time to stay the course. One step at a time we emerge, reborn.

At the heart of the matter is love canoodling with death; a curious melding of energies with an invitation to walk the tension line of discernment— to notice, or to judge, to speak or to truly listen, to feel and honor or to condemn and analyze. Time to let go of the judgement surrounding the collective heart that has become something like scar tissue; dense, rigid and confining. A reminder that there is love in death; nourishment in dark. healing in pause.

Happy Winter Loves!

a snapshot in time// los molinos

A snapshot in time

August 2018; Los Molinos, Spain

Talk about descent into darkness...

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August, 2018: My world as I knew it had just burned to the ground— eight weeks in Berlin had been explosive and I was then about a month past the most intense energetic opening and subsequent pouring out I had ever experienced... ⁠
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⎢𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒓 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒙𝒕: because I really like to make things exciting, the day of this breakthrough/burndown, I manically reached out for a lifeline— the man I was dating at the time— as I had convinced myself that if I just heard "it's going to be ok Nicolette" then I could find my bearings, and instead, he broke up with me, through a voice memo from across the ocean😂... so while thats a different story, lets just say, it added a 𝒃𝒊𝒕 of gasoline to the pyre of what was being burned down— a perfect synchronicity to really make sure I left behind what needed to die off.⎥⁠

...I was wandering, sort of here, sort of not. Piecing myself back together. Oscillating between absolutely numb, to feeling everything; from no appetite, to literally shoving as much food into me as I could to fill the hurt spaces; to try to feel something and at the same time to make it stop hurting. ⁠

And in my wandering; from the ashes of my old ideas of identity, who I was and wasn't, how I felt, what I needed and wanted, I found my way to this magical little slice of the world... Los Molinos, Spain, where I spent a few days with a woman, Marina, who walked with me, taught me and held space for my ongoing unraveling. ⁠
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Outside of a few hours of sleep, we talked for almost 3 days straight; it was exhausting and beautiful. ⁠
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She taught me about Enneagram, Human Design and Astrology, we both shared stories of our lives; of heartbreak, our beliefs about love and connection— an evolving concept moment to moment. ⁠
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We held each other as we cried, we cooked meals and wandered around the mountainous desert landscape along the River Aguas where this little village was nestled. ⁠

It was one of those synchronicities- one of the many that summer— ⁠

a special human, with wisdom beyond her years; a big beautifully open and loving heart to hold my aching one; the healing balm of the receptive arms of the feminine energy- a respite I desperately needed. And it was in a magical crystal pool she shared with me, this photo was taken.

Feeling undone + untethered; heavy, exhausted and a little feral; and a wanting to embody— to become—the deep greens, clear waters and shimmering mica walls I was standing amidst.

Another layer, a visceral memory. A moment of gratitude for the winding path I have been on and continue to walk and the amazing souls I have encountered along the way.

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Thanks for coming down memory lane with me.

With big love and hugs,

a particular kind of soulfulness //

I asked a question recently to Self/Soul and one of my decks of cards and this is what came through…

What will support healing, integration and soul reclamation with all the has been opened in the collective recently?

plant guide // MINT

I pulled a card from “The Druid Plant Oracle” and the message I felt was an invitation. For you to use the clarity gained from the space within created to intentionally move forward while paying attention to your surroundings. Distractions will always be here— it’s your work to lean into the sensations that bring up resistance and be the witness to the messages soul has for you.

“When an individual’s particular kind of soulfulness, which is both an instinctual + spiritual identity, is surrounded by psychic acknowledgement and acceptance, that person feels life and power as never before”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés

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The proverbial can of worms— Pandora’s Box if you will— that has been opened in the collective brings with it what sometimes feels like never ending source of pain, grief and anger as illusions [or delusions] long held, begin to splinter and fracture, leaving us to sort through the mess. And with the trust and tools to navigate these confronting truth’s we have an opportunity to finally learn a particular lesson: that pain is not to seek nor avoid, but instead to accept as an inevitable aspect of our human challenge and by standing in the tension of its presence, allowing self to feel that which we have so desperately sought to do away with— this is where your true POWER shows itself;

the resilience of a beating heart and fractured soul

And this lesson felt, from this place you can finally make room for the love, joy + pleasure that previously had no space to breath, move, nor lay a foundation in your being. Now that the generations, the lifetimes of unacknowledged and unhealed hurt is being liberated from our being— through being honestly and vulnerably spoken about, tears, righteous rage…in acknowledging it all we are making room for the beauty this life has waiting for us.

These problems, this massive societal “way it is” — it’s not going to disappear overnight. They require more hard truths spoken, more accountability on a personal level of how we are either a part of the perpetuation of suffering or the resolution.

For the record, [and a loving reminder]: it won’t just go away if you avoid it— it will just perpetuate your personal suffering, as well as collective suffering. So rest up, rejuvenate your body, mind and spirit, because it’s not over yet AND we were build to handle this— we came here for this. You have what it takes to keep going. TRUST.

We need you. Perseverance, get creative, take action. Have patience; bit by bit, slow and steady, one layer at a time, and most importantly trust your inner guidance system to lead you exactly where you need to go. One step at a time.

be gentle with yourself and those around you, beautiful human, you’ve got this.

With gratitude and always love,

descent into darkness

companion piece to “a new layer; exposed”

It started as a journal entry. A thread of an idea that morphed into a twisty journey into the depths; as per usual, my own and then stepping out looking at the challenges [as I see it] facing humanity at large; eventually to broken down into two expressions; the foundation setting [that would be this one] and a sharing of my own personal season of darkness [a new layer; exposed]. So in this first half of the whole, i’m going to take you down, down, down the stairs, into the basement and then beyond. One step at a time we are going to make our descent… I hope you enjoy…

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“a shift so slow it’s barely noticeable, until one day we find that we are immersed in the dark once again; left wondering how we came to be back in this place, again; a descent into darkness…”

seeking the light, rejecting the dark; a metaphor + tension points

We are steeped in divisiveness.

Looking for who is to blame for whatever problems we are facing, individually or collectively; feeling confused, hurt, desperate, terrified— or likely at this point—numb to most of it. Why? Because we are afraid of and disconnected from ourselves and from each other. In the name of survival for far too long we have been going along with this divide and conquer methodology— coerced into picking sides in the name of safety, survival and belonging.

One of the great paradoxes we are faced with is the fact that there is duality and non-duality; individual physical beings here to experience this life as the “I” but also, I believe, to come back to Self at such a depth that we remember that we are also divine— every single one of us— threads of the great tapestry of Soul, God, Divine, The Universe—doesn’t matter which label you give it— it is us, and we are it.

I once heard someone say [and i’m paraphrasing] that Oneness created separation to experience itself through the differences we all have and the variety of experiences we each go through— so we are both meant to experience the individual journey of the particular fragment of Soul that you came here to be and learn and grow through, as well as come back to the recognition of the God, the Good within that exists within us all, because we are it.

And sitting with the tension of holding multiple truth’s is challenging, especially the ones that require trust, faith, and a willingness to open our often fearful hearts and take the risk of truly witnessing another. And where it seems to me we have focused in on— to avoid such vulnerabilities and in an attempt at a grab for power [which equates to safety and survival in our unconscious] at least in Western culture— is the dualities. And then taking it a step further as a means to an end— we have created hierarchy and then punitive penalties for not falling in line with the prescribed way.

us vs. them, good vs. evil, light vs. dark, savage vs. civilized; the list goes on and on...

To use the seasons and cycles of nature as a metaphor for our struggle to hold space for the tension of two seemingly conflicting things lets talk about night and day for a moment, the literal light and dark.

We have been conditioned to look forward to summer and dread winter; at worst to despise, at best to tolerate the dark whereas the light is not only acceptable, but revered and strived for—the golden standard {pun intended}. And I get it, on some level we need things like sunlight and vitamin D to actually live— sun is important and being immersed in the dark can be unsettling. But just as there can be unseen dangers in the dark, equally so, the sun can literally kill you if you sit under it for too long.

Both contrast and balance are important in order for us to maintain perspective and frankly, any sort of reverence for the other side of any spectrum. One is not actually better or worse, it’s all in the perspective [and propaganda]. Each “side” which is really a spectrum, has a set of gifts and strengths as well as challenges, weaknesses or inherent dangers.

And the imbalance, the inability to hold the tension, is what I see as the root of so much of our suffering when I look at society as a whole— the obsession and borderline manic need to pick a side and then camp there, immovable; a rejection of parts of the whole and thereby a limited set of parameters of what is acceptable/safe/lovable/right and anything outside of that is wrong/bad/dangerous. Brené Brown refers to them often as our “ideological bunkers”. But regardless of what label you give to it, it’s limiting us, hurting us; killing us— literally, right now, in this moment.

The deeper the roots, the higher the branches

We passed the high point of daylight in the northern hemisphere a few weeks ago— the summer solstice— and now every day, until the winter solstice in late December, there will be slightly less daylight; and as such I’ve found myself reflecting a lot on the themes of darkness, cycles, and how we relate to our nature— both our personal nature and our place in it— as within, so without— and when I feel into what is happening on a collective level, I sense a visceral tension.

So many of us individually, along with long held structures and ideas being called up [and out] to reflect, to dismantle and shed [or burn to the ground]. This is a hero’s journey sort of call to courage and adventure. This is a call to descend into the darkness.

And with that invitation comes the tension point of potential change, and a lot of resistance. Resistance to the surrendering of the old in order to be reborn; resistance to receiving each other in our differences; resistance to seeing what we have previously been able to claim ignorance around, but are running out of places to hide from— the uncomfortable truth, previously relegated to the shadows as a result of a sort of societally encouraged blindness.

Convenient non-truths for a select few, from which we are all wounded.

And when I step out of the dramas of my own personal human experience [because i’m feeling this inside my own being on multiple levels], and take a look around from the observers perch, what i’m noticing— in friends and family, on social media— are these moments, of invitation and initiation; breakdown, reckoning— suddenly feeling like what was is no longer and now a new seemingly inevitable yet daunting path awaits. This is a season of descent. One that I imagine will last much longer than the six months of waning daylight we are currently on the path of.

If you’ve been here for a while you may recall a post last year I wrote about awakening and my own journey and this quote just came to mind:

“Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy. It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn’t. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.”

if you haven’t read “Awakening” you can find it here

shattering the illusions

It’s the archetypal story of the search for love and soul; a tale as old as time; the often times treacherous journey of awakening. The archetype of Psyche*, the Greek Goddess feels very present during this time, as astrologically she is sitting in the sign of Cancer— the watery, deeply feeling yet guarded outer shell—symbolized by the crab; ruled by the moon. In an article by Judith O’Hagan, she describes Psyche as meaning: ‘breath, soul, mind’; and the Goddess Psyche gives her name to psychiatry, psychology, psychotherapy, and psychic. Her myth is a wisdom story about the awakening of consciousness.” [link to her fully article in the footer]

This call to wake up, to what truly is, looks like many things, and it’s different for each of us; there is no one “right” way to do this— there is however only one direction to go, and that is in.…

descent into awakening.

Awakening is not about being above your humanity as some sort of destination to aim for; in fact it’s not about rising above anything. It’s about uncovering and embracing the fullness of your being and along the way, shedding the aspects that limit your capacity to receive love; that restrict your capacity to connect with the world around you. It’s moving through the stories, beliefs and non-truths that keep you from expressing your unique amalgamation of human and being able to accept others in theirs.

It brings you to a space where you can be fully present and open to the connection we all share in an acceptance and reverence for the nuance that has always existed, that we’ve just been too afraid to witness.

It’s being able to be curious instead of certain.

About being able to witness instead of judge.

Being fully engaged and in awe of the endless flavors that are available for us to experience—if we allow ourselves to be that open, that vulnerable— that brave— to be willing to see.

So no, it’s not about rising above, however, a byproduct of this expansion and liberation of soul is the expansion of the container that consciousness is. It is descent for expansion.

Down the rabbit hole

“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.”

— -Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

the darkness: loosely defined

So what is this darkness i’m talking about? The darkness is a metaphor for the feminine [energy]. It’s an incubation space— the womb; the underworld and the birth canal.

It’s death and rebirth [the Life/Death/Life cycle]; the birthplace of creation and sensuality and pleasure and pain. It is unpredictable and confronting.

It is infinitely deep, not to be claimed, controlled or conquered; the moon floating in all Her expansive glory; the deepest, darkest woods where magic and mystery reside; the indescribable waters of the psyche.

It is the nourishing soil beneath the surface that allows our roots to take hold and our gardens to grow.

It is soul space.

And She, Shakti— life force energy itself— forces a sort of presence that requires us to rely on senses other than physical sight. Not rational, nor clearly defined; always shifting and changing, absolutely not linear or controlled or even practical at times. And so I get it, on some level why we are at the very least uncomfortable with embracing our own darkness; why we fear it, why we try our best to avoid it. It’s unknown. And just as our rejection of the darkness has led us to fear our own shadows, our resistance to letting go of control [a control we don’t really actually have in the first place] has led us to fear any sort of discomfort.

And to face and be willing to explore Her [the feminine energy, the darkness] comes with an inevitability; embracing Her, bringing Her in close assures that nothing will ever be the same. But, in the the words of Joseph Campbell— Mr. Hero’s Journey himself— “the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”.

So to offer a bit of a reframe of this long held belief that dark equals bad/evil/scary/undesirable [pick your favorite adjective and insert here]: what if this long and slow descent into darkness we are currently in the midst of were something your soul agreed to, to experience in this life? That the only certainty, was that it was going to move you in ways that you may not be able to imagine, but it eventually was going to lead you exactly to where you need to be, to become exactly who you are meant to be? And to lean into, to accept and hold reverence for the force that it is, even amidst the discomfort and pain that can come along with it, is a part of your purpose in this life— does that perspective change anything for how you relate to these parts of yourself long relegated and locked away in the corners of your being?

Just as there is a time for the sun to burn bright; for us to take inspired action, there are times to be steeped in the darkness unable to use our [limited] physical senses, thereby offering an opportunity to heighten others.

Or that which goes against the very foundation of our hustle culture/capitalistic society—the ability to rest and recharge— to sleep so we can actually function at full capacity. Yes, I know in theory you know sleep is important, but how much do you truly embrace and revere it? Is it something sacred or just another means to an end you do because you have to? This may seem like an insignificant point, but it is just another example of how what and how we have been told to value something has been assigned and creates a potentially harmful division— putting two things that could co-exist— work and rest— at odds with one another; a narrative that needing to rest being for the weak or “those not willing to do what it takes to succeed” and asking of us that we deny our bodies needs in pursuit of money, power, success—“the grind” glorified at the ultimate expense of our overall well being, and for what?

Why can’t we coexist in harmony instead of competition?

And this brings me back to where we began: the divisiveness and need to place the dualistic judgements of what is good, better, best. If we could learn to neutralize these judgements of either/or, of right/wrong or better/worse— what might that do to our capacity to hold more space for ourselves and each other.

Could it possibly change how we relate with self or shift how we step into the seasons and cycles of change, of doing and being, of death and rebirth— that are inherent to our true nature?

judgement as the limiting factor— change the narrative, change the world.

Now i’m going to invite you to imagine: a time when humans held a reverence for the sacredness of the Earth and all She provides; of the wilderness, of the night, of all living organisms. Where instead of a seeking to conquer, stake our claim for ownership and attempt to control—land, resources, each other— instead saw ourselves as stewards of the grounds we occupied, the champion of those people and things we were surrounded by, with no exclusions of what/who were to be treated with love and respect.

A time where there was a healthy awareness and acceptance of the inherent dangers of existing amidst it all— because of the understanding of our connection and role in the massive ecosystem we are a part of— and with that awe inspiring reverence and acceptance, there existed an allowance and the capacity to live fully and openly. A time when we looked to Nature and it’s cycles as a reflection of our own humanity [cue Elton John “it’s the cirrrcleeeee of life…”].

Imagine a time or space where the idea or presence of death was not met with abject terror and avoidance at all costs, but understood as the inevitable contrast that allows us to appreciate that which makes life so precious: that it ends.

rejecting death

And this brings us to the relationship we have with death. This is, at least in my opinion the greatest barrier to acceptance and embracing the darkness and thereby reclaiming our whole, true selves.

The judgement that death is somehow wrong—a punishment of some sort being doled out by a power higher than ourselves; the fear we have of the literal circle of life, is a barrier to living this life fully and wholly— both light and dark. Death can be sad. There is grief and heartbreak and a deep sense of loss when someone or something we care for dies. There will only ever be one of each of us and that is significant. The pain of loss is something to hold massively loving space for people to grieve and process however is authentic for them; it deserves to be acknowledged and felt. And it doesn’t mean it is wrong.

Our judgements of our emotions [or rejection of them] is the greatest barrier to our acceptance of the full spectrum of our humanity

And sometimes that person we have to grieve the death of is us. Who we are in this moment; little us; letting go of who we have been in the past and the story we’ve told ourselves about who we are or are not. Letting go of these stories that likely allowed us to survive our childhoods and the environments we came from, but don’t actually serve who we are becoming, so must be surrendered and allowed to die off, in order for us to step into new phases, seasons or cycles of our lives.

I have found personally that there is a well of grief in these deaths— that I had no conscious awareness were even there until I started my own descent. Leaning into this territory is some confronting shit; not only are you letting go of a familiar version of being, it is also an activation of the sense that “without this i’m not safe”. And because all of these emotions are the territory of the feminine energy, our challenging relationship with them, leads to a rejection of the parts of us that need to be witnessed, that need permission to flow: Anger, sadness, grief, longing— none of these emotions are wrong or bad, they just are; energy in motion, a part of the experience of being human. They are merely a part of the spectrum that is always moving always shifting.

I’m going to invite you to reflect for a moment on what feels like this culturally adopted belief— that i’m putting into my own words— that may not ever have been spoken directly to you or written this way, but that I feel so many of us pick up or have been shown along the way in this life — the belief that we were given this big spectrum of these big and small emotions as some sort of test to see how well we can reject what is innate to us. To challenge us to see how well we can capture, control and lock away the unruly bits, and only let ourselves and the world around us see the comfortable, “appropriate” ones.

Am I the only one who picked up along the way that there was no acceptable time and place for a a good heavy cry? What about that “anger is bad/dangerous— don’t be angry”. Or to experience pleasurable moments is shameful or selfish; that the only way to get the pat on the head of “good” was to keep it all under lock and key or at the very least hidden away for nobody else to have to see?

Have you adopted one or all of these [or others] as your own truth and belief— as in, is this how you deal with and relate to your emotional states? And if so, how has that been working out for you?

And as always, especially if you are new here— there is zero judgement here, where you are in this moment is exactly where you are meant to be, and whatever you are feeling, is held in this space with love; this is merely an invitation as always for reflection. If it sparks something in you, I would invite you to follow the thread and see where it leads you, if not, move on.

And also—believe what feels true to you. What I believe: there isn’t anything wrong with any of our emotions, it’s how we relate to them that I see as problematic. I believe they are indicators— to what we are thinking about or needing to pay attention to, in a moment; meant to flow and move and shift. They are a state of being, not who we are. And I believe we were given this deep capacity to feel as a way to experience the divine in the mundane.

Just because it’s on purpose, doesn’t mean it’s easy.

It is a challenge. And it absolutely is work to take ownership of our own emotions; takes practice to wield them in a way that does no harm to ourselves or others. And likely, nobody taught you even where to begin with this. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I reject the notion that we were designed to fit into a few cramped boxes of existence and anything outside of that is wrong/bad somehow. And I also reject the idea that were created in order to resist and reject the aspects of ourselves and each other that don’t fit into those boxes; as if it’s some sort of test by God that we have to pass in order to be deemed worthy.

Does that feel a bit off to anyone else?

Now, it may feel like “the way” because of the way we have operated for far too long. But it doesn’t make it absolute, or the way it is meant to be.

The passed down narrative of controlling self and each other— the “dominator consciousness” that tells us the non-truth that power is finite and must be taken or given to us in order to be safe has led us to believe that the only way to be in the world is through repressing, fighting with and rejecting parts of our humanity, specifically the parts that have been associated with the feminine— creating a hierarchy of essentially the “most and least human” and thereby worthy of love, belonging, safety and sovereignty— and my, how that bullshit narrative has stuck and been absorbed by all of us on some level. And it’s side affects have been devastating…

So the choice to reckon with— emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually— what has led us to standard operating procedure in this world is a major piece and catalyst for the awakening on a collective level we are being invited into:

A shift in our point of focus; a shift out of resistance and rejection of this aspect of self and other— and into curiosity and receptivity— so we can stop limiting our capacity to love, express and allow a sense of safety and trust to exist that allows all of us to be our whole, full selves. We are all made of light and dark. Rational and irrational. Deeply feeling and sensing and also laser focused and pragmatic. We must bring all parts forward.

[*and quick side-bar if you’re new here: we alllllll have feminine energy, so this isn’t just a “woman thing”, none of us are exempt from this and if you don’t like the label of masculine/feminine energy, feel free to insert another that resonates more deeply with your truth, just know that regardless of how you label it, this polarity exists within each of us, and that’s beautiful and perfect.]

What fearing death also does, is keep us stagnant;

There are so many deaths happening—or at least opportunities for death on a metaphorical level that we resist— that are the catalysts for our liberation, for our most nourishing relationship with self and the world around us, but our fear of the discomfort that these deaths bring, and the stories we have been told about how it’s bad/wrong/dangerous— keeps us from leaning into and surrendering to them; to shed the old skin that no longer fits us and to be reborn.

The way it’s been for a really, really long time— has been. It had its own purpose and things that had to be experienced before we were ready to shift out of and into a new space. And as we so easily forget and get caught neck deep in the drama we’ve created— this is why I love stepping back and looking to nature for examples of how to surrender and flow; a reminder that after the dark, there is light; there is a season for death and then rebirth and on and on and on. These are the mirror of what we are, how we naturally are if we allow ourselves to just be. We were not designed to be stagnant and never change. And we were not meant to all be the same as one another [how fucking mind-numbingly-boring that would be].

Being the same, staying the same, is more comfortable for sure. But it does a disservice to ourselves and the world around us for us to resist and reject our authentic expressions, cycles and seasons.

It’s time to do things differently.

Historically, the darkness, otherwise known as the watery depths of the psyche and the feminine energy has been rejected.

She [capital S] has been scapegoated and deemed as less than, weak. It has been made a societal standard for it to be dangerous to rest into and express from these spaces; to express authentically the whole spectrum of our being. And yes, this has deeply affected all of us and is a big part of what has contributed to where we are today, to our mucky relationship with the darkness.

And I want to make sure you understand, that the darkness, is not a one and done, scale the mountain peak and “thats it” sort of thing. The cycles and seasons of the darkness are on the micro and the macro. They happen slowly and unfold over years, months. They happen every single day when the sun sets; you die in every exhale. There is no actual escaping this, without abandoning self.

The darkness— the feminine— is a part of you. So breathe down into the space— into your physical being. and even for just a moment accept that your soul, your life force energy— your whole self— is right here, whether you can feel it or not. That you are supported and guided by this unseen force, always. And even if you can only connect with it for an hour, or even a moment. This is part of your journey back to self, back to sensation— back to soul. It is personal and unique and universal. It is a sacred gift; a connection to the divine. And it is yours to embody if and whenever you so choose. Whenever you are willing to lean in.

Our resistance to soul, to receiving the gifts that She has to offer, has kept us in conflict not just with the world around us in this unnatural hierarchy of what’s acceptable or good and right vs. what is not; but most tragically in conflict with our own selves. Waging wars within. And this is where I have found myself, time and time again— even with all that I know to be true, fighting with myself, struggling to accept the wholeness of my humanity.

I dive more into where this expression came from in the follow up to this, “a new layer, exposed”; a reflection of my own personal reckoning with the darkness and my current iteration of it; a new layer that’s been peeled back and exposed— now needing to be integrated into my present being— and how i’ve been fighting like hell to hold on [yea, all that stuff about resisting death— guilty over here— it seems I am human afterall]. You can find that expression here.

But what i’ll leave you with for now, is a quote from Women Who Run With the Wolves— because after all, Clarissa Pinkola Estés just has all the most deeply resonant words when it comes to reclaiming what is our birthright and our true essence [if you haven’t read Women Who Run With the Wolves, it’s one of my all-time-top recommendations!]— and I felt that these words are a great reminder and maybe a loving nudge to lean in; after all that I have just dumped in your lap to sort through;

and as it relates to this descent and call into the darkness— into our personal + collective awakening journey:

“All the “not readies,” all the “I need time,” are understandable, but only for a short while. The truth is that there is never a “completely ready,” there is never a really “right time.” As with any descent to the unconscious, there comes a time when one simply hopes for the best, pinches one’s nose, and jumps into the abyss. If this were not so, we would not have needed to create the words heroine, hero, or courage.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés; "Women Who Run With the Wolves"

So be brave, be kind, be curious; with the world around you and most importantly with yourself.

You are finding your way to a home you likely never consciously knew you were seeking, craving or missing—but on some level always knew existed; the safe space you’ve been waiting for. It is just now the time for you to lean in and go about the business of finding your way back; it’s time to descend into the darkness.

Thank you for being here, lovely soul in all your beautiful humanity. I’m sending so much love as you navigate these psychic waters; you’ve got this!

With gratitude and so much love,

⫷♀︎⫸

PS- The sun is currently transiting the sign of Cancer and as I mentioned earlier, the asteroid Psyche is as well + we are sitting in a New Moon in Cancer, today as I type these final words— Cancer a water sign, the sign of the crab— the guarded outer shell protecting a deeply feeling and flowing aspect of our being; also ruled by the moon— so yea, we are full on in the waters of the feminine, the underworld, the space of pyschic exploration and awakening during this time, which fits so beautifully with this whole expression + so i’m loving the synchronicity of completing this and the companion piece today, after wrestling with it for the last two and a half weeks or so.

If you are interested in a beautiful synopsis of the Cancer New Moon [or any current astro event], I highly recommend checking out my beautiful story-weaving sister friend @skyloreastrology on IG, for her take on the New Moon In Cancer

PPS- Also, to read the full post I mentioned earlier, about the archetypal story of the Goddess Psyche written by Judith O’Hagan, click here

Be well sweet ones ❤︎

a new layer; exposed

a companion piece to “descent into darkness”

⫷♀︎⫸

“Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak its truth, she is pressured to be silent.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, "Women Who Run With the Wolves

Fighting with my darkness.

I’ve been hiding. While I am perpetually inviting others to embrace the beauty of their whole spectrum of humanity— and I truly believe in that— still on some level, i’ve feared and resisted my own. I’ve held back authentic expressions of the depths and edges I can’t stifle, can’t avoid. I have been [maybe noticeably, maybe not] absent, on social media, with my newsletter and my expressions here; everywhere really—other than my local coffee shops, because hey, I still need some human interaction.

I’ve been MIA, In part it’s because my brain was not cooperating to put my many feelings and thoughts into form; another part of it has been that i’ve felt overwhelmed, overstimulated and just didn’t want to engage with the world. But then there is something else…

I have felt the internal groan of “ugghhh, not another gloomy, moody expression about the underworld, depths, depression, how untethered and uninspired I feel”— since that is basically what I have felt to express almost every time I sit down to put pen to paper over the last year or so. And I have felt like a broken record. Repeating over and over the most intensely uncomfortable track. And the narrative of “nobody wants to hear this story line again” has been staring me down as it plays on repeat in the background of my mind.

And maybe you don’t want to hear it; but that’s not really the point. The point is I have allowed it to keep me from sharing the full, unfiltered truth about the landscapes I have been traversing. And because as I will share in a moment, I have been getting what I asked for, a loving, present and grounded man who wants to do this life dance together— all in—and I love and trust him… and i’m still not “good”.

I’m still struggling to feel a deep sense of connection with myself or other. In actuality, i’m facing, more aggressively the recognition of how little I trust and allow myself to be vulnerable; how unsafe I think i’ve always felt—especially in intimacy—but i’m just noticing it now. And that feels challenging [understatement]. It brings up a lot of deep grief and a lot of questions. And one of those questions is “what is missing?”, meaning what parts of me are not functioning that would otherwise allow me to feel safe, connected and satisfied with life— and where have they gone?

I’ll tell you what, it’s not a fun space to be sitting in. So while I haven’t shared the whole truth, avoidance has been the go to because i’m not about to be up in here not being real. But with the avoidance of expressing I’ve found myself in a more chaotic space in my mind where the judgement and shame run rampant. And that’s a problem. By not expressing, i’ve felt more stuck, more confused and then more judgement—of the stuckness, confusion and judgement. In other words making it worse— because if you didn’t already know: what you resist, persists.

I have avoided sharing the fullness of the dark and twisty places my imagination conjures

because I don’t want people to worry about me, or ask if i’m ok, or get sick of me— in my seeming inability to be inspirational and hopeful; as though I need to balance the emo vibes with some form of positivity or certainty or wisdom in the face of uncertainty.

And in the midst of the unwraveling i’ve been going through—i’ve on some level been operating from an old story that goes a little something like: in order to be acceptable, in order for there to be anyone left once the fog clears, I can’t share all of it, it’s too much.

So i’ve withdrawn. And frankly, i’ve been sick of myself; sick of feeling the sadness and grief of lifetimes being exposed and pouring out. Sick of feeling broken and unable to show up in certain areas of my life. And afraid that if I give myself freedom to just share whatever is bouncing around in my mind, who knows what the hell might come out— and that feels a bit dangerous [hello fear of letting go of control, I see you].

Layers of armor are being peeled away to reveal a lot of hurt and fear and uncertainty, showing me things i’ve never been able to see about myself. These experiences are the reckoning i’m having to lean into the deeper I descend. And i’ve not been graceful or grateful about it. I’ve just wanted it to be over.

The thing is, I know that there is nothing actually wrong with where I am; nothing wrong with who I am. And still in the status quo of society it feels unacceptable and as though there is no space that can hold the fullness of me. And even more so— in my body, in memories that feel ingrained in my DNA, it feels dangerous to lean in and explore these spaces. This is something that I have held back on expressing because I judged myself for not being able to be past it, and also didn’t want to scare people away from this work, but I think there are a few really important things to bring in here about this.

The first, is that just because we know our shit— meaning just because we have awareness— doesn’t mean we are magically healed/done with it.. try to give yourself some grace in that there is a lot of unlearning to do before we can learn new, healthier and more sustainable ways of being; and your awareness is a gift, even when it feels like it would be so much better to go back to being blind to it— and I say this with love— it isn’t, better or possible, and acceptance is a much less painful path, I know from experience.

The second thing: we all have trauma, whether it’s our lived experiences, or what has been handed off unhealed to us—and whether or not we remember or have repressed it. I believe that part of our life’s work is about taking ownership of our own healing, without shame or blame or feeling like there is something wrong with us— and holding space for other people to be as messy and clunky and unsure through these layers of healing as we are going to be.

And the third is a loving reminder, for myself and for you: when we have been traumatized, when we carry trauma in our bodies— either from our actual lived experience, our past lives, or that which has gone unhealed and passed along generationally— it’s not as simple as doing the “right things”; meditation, therapy, etc— we have to peel back the layers of conditioned trauma response and be willing to “risk” not operating from that place. And that requires an awareness of how we are reacting to our world— either from an open, compassionate place, or a guarded and hypervigilant, defensive place— and then we have to decide to do something different; to lean into the discomfort that feels dangerous in order to build new patterns that will allow ourselves to step out of the patterned stress response 24/7 to actually rest and digest and recharge and heal what is crying out for our attention.

And to do this we have to to find and/or create safe spaces—

both within our self and in our immediate environments in order to work to untangle the web of habitual trauma/stress/survival response [when it is the type of response that has us constantly on guard] — otherwise we are consistently re-traumatizing and reinforcing to our nervous system that are in fact not safe.

Accepting that we are vulnerable and that we cannot control the world around us, and all that we can control is how we show up and how we react; and then do the best we can with whatever comes up. Whew, no big deal right?

[I hope it’s not lost in translation that i’m being cheeky here, this is big, big brave and confronting work and I understand why we do our best to avoid it, and also hold deep reverence for how necessary and urgent it is that more of us take this journey.]

And with all of that, I think of society and the mirror it’s holding up to me— how much of our authentic, full spectrum feeling has been repressed, not discussed or even acknowledged and the obsession with “looking at the bright side”; how much trauma has gone unhealed and passed along under the “we don’t talk about that” blanket statement— without any mention of how damaging to our physical, emotional and spiritual well being this avoidance is.

And the gut punch for me: the recognition that on some level i’ve been filtering out of the same resistance and rejection I’m seeing out in the world around me— even though I know better; “oh hey societal conditioning, nice to see you again” [*insert eye roll*]

I talk about this and how I define the darkness more in “descent into darkness”, if you haven’t given that a read, you can find it here.

What I recognized just a few weeks ago, was part of the stuckness, the loop of feeling totally untethered and lost was because I haven’t allowed myself to express what is true for me. And the more I become familiar with myself I realize I have to do that for my whole well being; I have to show up, and I have to share where I am, who I am, regardless of who sees it, likes it, or agrees with it in order to find my way back to the other pieces of me that can’t— that won’t—feel safe to come out as long as I am rejecting these “less desirable” parts; a reclamation and healing of my relationship with, as Clarissa Pinkola Estés puts it in “Women Who Run With the Wolves” the “not-beautiful” aspects of my humanity— and showing up in them.

“What is the not-beautiful? Our own secret hunger to be loved is the not-beautiful. Our disuse and misuse of love is the not-beautiful. Our dereliction in loyalty and devotion is unlovely, our sense of soul-separateness is homely, our psychological warts, inadequacies, misunderstandings, and infantile fantasies are the not-beautiful. Additionally, the Life/Death/Life nature, which births, destroys, incubates and births again, is considered by our cultures the not-beautiful.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés; “Women Who Run With the Wolves”

As much as i’ve embraced my depths and dark, i’ve in equal measure judged, rejected and feared Her…

I have to honor it, honor these parts of myself and what I have judged as the “not-beautiful”; bring it in, hold it with love and acceptance if I ever want the deeply hurt little girl that lives in me, to come out of hiding; if I ever want to be able to give and receive love in a way that feels nourishing to me and those closest to me.

The inner battle that i’ve been waging is fucking exhausting.

And so, i’m going to lean in some more; to do my best to share more of this aspect of me. Meaning that wherever I am is where I am, even if it’s dark and twisty for weeks/months/years on end. If I ever want to liberate myself from the cages i’ve bound myself in, I need to stop hiding from you, but most importantly from me. I have to bring all of me forward for better or worse in order to accept me. To love and trust me. It’s not about “them out there”— not about you, the witness to this expression. It’s me. I have to accept the fullness of where I am in order to let myself out, to move through the stuck and heavy spaces into the safe and sacred space of full being.

On some level I haven’t left the tumultuous embrace of the darkness

For at least the last three years or so i’ve been learning how to recognize and swim in the depths I spent a lifetime not even realizing that I had been avoiding— after picking up along the way, the feeling that it was too much; that I was too much. It’s been an interesting journey, witnessing both, as I expand how I view it, and have begun to embrace it and revel in it while still fearing, resisting and on some level rejecting this vital aspect of my being.

And now as I type this i’m wondering if i’m ever meant to leave the darkness. Instead, maybe it’s the way I perceive and judge the darkness and a healthy integration that is the calling. My discomfort with it’s lessons and trials has left me battle weary, but how much of my fatigue is related to my resistance to surrender? How i’m perceiving the cycles are that make it so extra mucky. Maybe it really just sucks going through some of these seasons and lessons. And maybe thats just ok. But at the end of the day, the real is, that I am the depths. I am the darkness. And treating it as though it’s a place to conquer and then leave behind is really just trying to escape a part of myself;

fighting it and judging it is just resisting soul…

[*well shit— i’ve been wrestling with this expression for a few weeks and this came through as a realization during my editing process, so i’m real time processing with you here…bear with me…*]

So while I take a pause and *breathe* into what I just uncovered, i’ll invite you to take some time to reflect on what your relationship with your own “darkness” is, however you define that for yourself.

Do you find the same or different resistances to showing up authentically in the spaces you occupy?

Are there are parts of you that you are judging and repressing because of your fear that your world won’t accept you if you step into and take ownership of it?

And if that is hitting some spicy/resistant points in you, then I will nudge you to look a little deeper and see if it’s their rejection or your rejection? Is it your inner battle with these aspects of self that are a little less [or a lot less] comfortable? Or somewhere along the way did you pick up on the vibe that there was no space for this aspect of you?

Those are the spaces I would invite you to lean into, dare to witness and give some love to. This may include things like joy and pleasure as well, as they are some of the most vulnerable of the emotions that we are first to stifle in order to keep the other ones at bay. It you feel called out by this, then it’s for you, And I see you, I really do. In fact I know this all too well. And now that i’ve had a chance to recover from my little mini revelation, i[m going to dive into the layer, and territory i’ve been navigating in this very long season…

my current season of darkness//

a descent into acceptance and surrender; into love

The last 8 months have been a different sort of descent and definitely uncharted territory. I’ve been full on neck deep; in relationship. Getting exactly what I asked for in a man while simultaneously freaking the fuck out, because, well… he exists [wasn’t sure that was really gonna happen if i’m being honest] and now, I have to acclimate to what that means.

It has taken me to new depths, which on some level I knew were there, untapped, but in no way could I have been prepared for how confronting and disarming it’s been to be seen, witnessed and loved— at this capacity— and by someone who actually wants to be there; by a man who isn’t fighting or trying to control me every step of the way.

Why is this so damn confronting?

Well, all I have know before in partnership with men was resistance, walls, and a need on some level to guard myself against their advances on me as a result of me being considered a desirable woman. It’s been all about them and i’ve let it be, in fact that was what was comfortable. Feeling a compulsion to chase and hold on to someone for dear life, manically trying to prove to them how good I am, and accepting scraps of affection/attention while trying to convince myself that it was satiating my hunger;

feeling a need to play traffic cop but also this responsibility for their wants and desires [because you know society has basically told women forever— overtly and subtly— that they are objects here for the pleasure of men to be won or conquered, a paradox of both being revered as this sacred body while being scapegoated as dangerous and blamed for the shame of the world and our collective fall from grace; pedestalized and simultaneously judged by this standard of chastity or lack thereof, which of course is based mostly on whether or not a man has penetrated us— but I digress as thats a whole other conversation i’m not going to go into here].

There is also the pesky self judgement

My personal achilles heel. I have judged how much of my energy, focus and thoughts have been directed into the space of relationship. It has at times felt like a failure when I “should be focusing on building a business, creating my art, on making money”, etc. My desire to be connected bashing against the desire to “do it all myself”, independent woman and all. And i’ve felt the fear that I am going to lose myself— that which i’ve fought so hard to reclaim— in relationship… again.

There is so much fear present in my physical and emotional body. Fear of slipping away, stepping aside for another’s wants, needs— abandoning myself and merging with what they want. How my emotional and physical health will suffer as a result. It’s happened before… too many times. And that fear is an indication of my lack of trust. Of myself with other.

⫷For my astrology peeps this is a nod to my 7th house stellium (Sun in Libra, and Mercury, [Asteroid*] Lilith + Pluto in Scorpio) holding my feet to the coals of learning relationship and facing resistances to getting lost in the process, and then as a cherry on top of the metaphorical cake another little 3 car pileup in my 8th House— South Node + Saturn in Scorpio + Venus in Sagittarius— facing karma and current relationship to sex, death, transformation— distrust, betrayal and trauma [+ a lot of beef with the old patriarch, Saturn]. ⫸

Over the past few months, since being in this relationship, just having a man who communicates and brings presence and attention to me; who can witness me and hold space for me in intimacy— it’s bringing to the surface a lot of past life and ancestral memories of being violated— raped, beaten, not listened to, used as an object, and in one particularly visceral memory—taking my own life as the feeling of my only escape from the cages of my circumstances, after aforementioned rape, not being listened to and used as property to be traded. Let me tell you—it’s been a real doozy of a party up in here.

Not to mention the reckoning with the traumas that have happened in this life that I have done a lot of work on already, but facing the way that my body shuts down when people, but especially men come in close to me… it makes me angry, and sad and resentful of so many things and it’s been a lot of conflicting and intense emotions to sort through.

So all to say, relationships are fucking hard for me and intimacy is laced with land mines of all sorts of past trauma surfacing; and as beautiful as the container my partner holds for me is— and he has been amazing through all of it— it is the most vulnerable I’ve ever had to be. And I don’t really like it so much. But I need it, it’s what my soul agreed to and what i’ve been asking for.

Leaning into the fear of allowing myself to be that exposed, especially to a man is an exercise in conditioning my nervous system to just not freak out. That’s my measurement in success at the moment: can I let my partner hold me without shutting down. I know— quite a high bar i’ve set for myself [that was sarcasm btw, in case you didn’t pick up the subtext in that statement, but it is actually where I am]

Did I mention that the most beneficial cover that those unavailable men who resisted me provided, was the ability to never feel settled and safe enough to truly tap into my depths of vulnerability— to face the wounding that only having someone witnessing me with love and patience would bring to the surface?

Yea, brilliant survival strategy if I do say so myself.

And damn would it be easier to keep playing “woe is me” and standing on my moral high ground— by continuing to chase men who couldn’t/wouldn’t be there for me and therefore find myself in the familiar state of manic over-giving, putting their needs above my own and then absolutely being able to direct the blame at them for leaving.

I could do that, it definitely would feel safer.

But it would hurt me, as it always has. And I committed to doing no more harm to myself. I committed to coming home to myself, to face all that I hadn’t been able to when I was so focused on what everyone else was doing and trying to get them to stay. Plus, that’s not who I want to be or how I want to show up.

So, no I actually can’t do it anymore.

And so here I am, in the thick of this relating thing and it’s exposing depths of unhealed gunk that I couldn’t have known were residing in all sorts of corners of my being. And what i’ve come to believe amidst all of this, even as much as i’ve resisted and avoided and pouted about it?

We can only be reborn from the darkness if we allow it to destroy us. Surrender and stop attempting to control that which is not controllable, but instead meant to be witnessed with a healthy dose of reverence and awe for the force that it is. It’s work. And it’s beautiful. And i’m messy.

This is my current season of darkness. A new layer; exposed.

⫷♀︎⫸

Thank you for being here, reading this, in this life. I am so grateful for your witnessing.

If any of this expression brought anything up in you, I invite you to sit with it and give yourself an extra dose of compassion and love; just because you deserve it. It takes courage to see, to feel. And I see you.

There is a companion piece to this called “descent into darkness” that gives more context into how I define the darkness, the season I feel the collective is being called into and a bit about how we relate to it that can either be supportive to our healing or a hindrance to it. If you are interested in diving in, you can find “descent into darkness” here. Please share with anyone you feel needs these reflections and I would love to hear your reaction. Feel free to drop a note in the comments or send me an email: info@nicolettebernardes.com

If there is any way I can be of service as you navigate your own descent into self + soul, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. If you are interested in having space held for you to release and reconnect to self, you can schedule a session with me to guide you through this big work.

And regardless of where you are, I am sending you so much big love and the hope that you are feeling held and protected as you navigate this whole human experience!

Be well sweet human ❤︎

With gratitude and always love,

𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 + 𝐬𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭//

𝑎 𝑐𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑜𝑠

𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒗𝒊𝒗𝒂𝒍 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈?

These deep and decadent scorpionic waters- a curious resting place, a kind of home- no longer running still; current{ly} overflowing with karmic memory {its all coming to the surface now}

Rosalie: a metaphor for; Taking matters into ones own hands, left hanging by a thread; the only path to freedom in a time long past. Spite, fear. Resolve. A morbid choice. {But I doubt they included that in the eulogy};

Memory housed in sympathetic spaces; a mercurial reminder of pain unprocessed; Violence. Violated. Power and Control at the expense of Sovereignty. Nowhere to go. Screaming at the top of lungs and nobody hears. All that lingers is the nothingness; the void of death;

When did this fragment of self Lose all sensation? Which lifetime, which experience was the one that finally sent that shred of humanity into oblivion?

The path to rebirth paved with questions unanswered— ghosts of times past...

Kali: on a rampage, ripping me to shreds, my insides, out; blood and guts and glitter. stopping at nothing to give me my everything. 𝑨 𝒍𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒓 𝒐𝒇 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆.

Learning to trust what I feel and know to be true.

Leaning into the uncomfortable edges; all ways, all places.

Asking for help; Speaking up; Saying no.

Survival: an unconscious motivating force;

Living: a conscious choice

Disassociation: my go to coping.

Every moment longer I stay with the feeling: a victory.

Clearing out old fear, calling back the pieces; it’s time to come home.

-an abstract perspective + full moon musings // [me and my 8th house South Node + 7th house Mercury in Scorpio taking a little ride to the depths on this familiar lunation]

i see ghosts // ⁠

𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎 𝑛𝑒𝑤 {𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 } 𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑦 //

The writing of a new [love] story- requires an excavation of the old.⁠⁠

An uncovering of all that has gone unhealed, all this time. I feel their presence, so close to me. As though the thinly veiled layers of past/present/future has taken up residence using my heart, mind and dreams as the battleground to work out the unresolved, the unrequited, the long shoved away... ⁠⁠

Oh yea, I see ghosts. But not in the way you may think. I see what lies beneath; the presence and remnants of the soul inhabiting the shell. I feel the stories, their pain and uncertainty. I know their struggle as though it is my own. ⁠⁠

In hindsight, it was a dangerous space to be, before I understood what I was: a brief stop on a long and winding journey toward redemption. For I would invite them to come in, sit before my fire and share with me their stories; the troubles and questions lingering on the edges of consciousness; offer companionable silence- much needed and too few and far between-so they may rest easy for a bit. And as we talked, shared space- as they witnessed the truth of me- I sensed the weariness melting away, the armor being removed piece by piece; revealing a clearer version of the truth [the essence of soul already sensed].⁠⁠

In my younger years, and childlike innocence- before I knew- I mistook the purpose of these "chance" encounters and wanted badly for them to stay. Clung to the illusion of intimacy and scraps of affection they provided. You see, they were familiar; I understood them, because I too was a bit of a lonely ship sailing towards some unseen and uncertain shore. A paradox- sure and knowing while also lonely and uncertain. Both seeking and offering refuge, homeless and home base all at once. ⁠⁠

So I held on. Allowed a taking to unfold over and over and over again; asking very little in return. There was a knowing that they needed me- and I needed to be needed. A perfect fit. I suppose on some level I understood the value of my presence, a safe place, a stop along a wild and dangerous path. And in that knowing, I allowed so much to be taken...⁠

I wonder now, how they may still be drawing water from my well, when their cups begin to run dry...remembering the nourishment and warmth of the presence of my love and adoration bestowed upon them as a fond memory- while an unconscious siphoning takes place.

True, honest love opens doors. It unsettles, awakens and unearths what was once buried. What I thought to be long put to bed memories of a life I no longer recognize or identify with are flooding back with a new clarity. From this vantage point, I am able to see a more complete picture; a highlight reel playing- old stories I know i've seen before but now witnessed through a new lens, from new angles. More and more pieces presenting themselves to be fit back together; fragments coming home

A recognition that there are still threads and channels open, tethers left intact, never severed. Turns out, there was a certain comfort despite the absence of physical presence. The fear of being alone, the need to be affirmed by the outside, stronger than my desire to be free...to be whole unto self.

But now it is time. I call back these pieces given out, the room I kept for you to reside within me is no longer available; I close channels still open and invite an individuation to take place- an invitation to step out of my depths into your own authentic power, this source is no longer available to draw from.

⁠The writing of a new [love] story requires an excavation of the old, a reclamation, piece by piece, past/present/future; doors are being opened…

…and yea, 𝗶'𝗺 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁𝘀...

𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒊𝒔 𝒇𝒊𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 ? //⁠

⎪𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘄𝗲𝗻 𝙛𝙞𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 + 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙮 ?⁠

At what point does imagination- that which is not yet outside of the wanderings and curious expansions of the mind- become reality?⁠⁠

Is the realness of something to do with how many people believe in it? Is it when it's "proven" with a method that at one point in time, came from the imagination of another; one iteration to another and another- and then one day it just was; an accepted absolute seemingly dropped from out of nowhere? ⁠⁠

Is everything we deem fictional, just one imagining-put-into-form away from becoming "real" or "true"? ⁠

Who defines what is real? What is "real"? What if this thing we call "real life" is just a dream- the witness [Soul] processing and projecting and when we are sleeping "we" are actually awake? And then when we think we are waking, we are really just retreating back into the dream?⁠

⁠The more I question, the more I seek, the less I am certain of any one thing.

The less I know to be "true", the less I believe impossible.⁠⁠

I wonder, if all that we grasp to as "the way it is" is- for better or worse- merely a collective imagining. If so...

...𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗶𝘀 𝙛𝙞𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣 other than a label given to compartmentalize a set of stories, ideas, beings and ways of being that are imagined; created but not yet proven by other imagined constructs; that which is unable to be "proven" by the limited faculties of our sleeping selves- not yet in the consciousness of a critical mass that makes it real?⁠⁠

I don’t know but i’m curious.

⧫ 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 + 𝙧𝙚𝙛𝙡𝙚𝙘𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 ⎜𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘫𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝟣/𝟤𝟪/𝟤𝟣⁠

𝒆𝒙𝒄𝒂𝒗𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒃𝒆𝒓𝒂𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 //⁠ ⁠

⎜Attempting to write my way to freedom. ⁠Saying the final goodbyes⁠; excavating truth's long forgotten; [tall tales buried, too much to bear; or bare- as in, for the world to see...?]⁠

〖 The freedom sought lies in the liberation of the stories that hold wholeness hostage; souls rendered incomplete and unexpressed is the most damning prison of all. ⁠〗⁠ ⁠

𝙩𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙙𝙖𝙮 𝙢𝙪𝙨𝙞𝙣𝙜 ⎪𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘫𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘯𝘢𝘭 ⎪𝟤/𝟫/𝟤𝟣⁠

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐚𝐩 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐧 // 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒄𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 + 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚⁠⁠

⎜The gap between perception and reality.⁠ Cracks I've stepped through time and time again.⁠ A shedding of identities, lives, masks, circumstance, fears and limitations; and in this season, gallons of trauma i'm not even sure is mine ["mine" being a contradictory concept at the moment]. Yet here, in this space is what I feel. Viciously churning sea water, throat burning as another wave throttles me as I struggle to catch my breath. Over and over and over. ⁠⁠

⎜Shades mask a fatigue of ancient proportions- cracks along the edges of eyes. A result of a weary soul and a life only part lived.⁠⁠

⎜Showing in snippets what this world struggles to look directly at: a collection of experiences that if printed and bound, would culminate in a body of work that would read like some never-ending horror show of humanity's darkest and most devious potentials; everywhere, everyday, in every moment. Unconscious perpetration and equally so, intense and violent upholding of [the status quo].⁠

⁠⎜And amidst the carnage lies the paradox: the beauty of this place. Viscerally painful to witness in its unfiltered everything. To take it all in at once requires a stamina earned; nearly unbearable intensity. It's no wonder we struggle to see it. The beauty. It hurts. And we look away while clawing to maintain our place amidst[History on repeat].⁠⁠

⎜You may think you know something when you lay eyes upon another but what you are intuiting is a perception projected onto a reflective surface- an origin story amidst tall tales created about "them". A witnessing of Self through staring in the mirror of other. ⁠

I am you. You are me.

Our stories;

𝒏𝒐 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝒏𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒙𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒕.

⁠

⎜Humbling lessons amidst the divide attempting to be bridged between divinity and that humane...⁠

⎜Time to get real. ⁠It's all coming to the surface. ⁠Let's finally face it. ⁠So healing may be...⁠

⁠⎜From one human trying to figure it out, to another.⎜I love you. ⁠⎜I see you. ⁠⎜We can do this. ⁠⎜We came here for this. ⁠

𝒎𝒐𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 ⟁ 𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒌𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒍𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 // 𝟸/𝟾/𝟸𝟷⁠

from the journal //

𝒎𝒚 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒔, 𝒐𝒖𝒕 // 𝐚𝐛𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞⁠

⁠ ⎜meet me in the middle// bring it back to the beginning // Origin stories, autonomy, divine union birthed by balance // Take me back before it all went... ⁠ ⁠

⎟⁠There are moments- in this moment- where an anger- deep and hot and dark, churns in the depths of me. Being taken from, used, betrayed. Manipulations and control tactics implemented in attempts to stifle my flame, my potent life force; out of fear. And I'm angry. And grieving- all the fractures and fragments of my Soul that ran and hid, in order for me to survive; how I performed these amputations of self, in the name of survival. Can I forgive? Will I forgive?⁠ ⁠

⎟⁠This anger- I feel it in my thighs, my hips and back- calling to me, stuck in a simmering ache. Also present: a grief. Attachment born from lifetimes of repression. Memories of loss come flooding in. What the fuck is all of this? Where is it coming from? [grasping for the rational- good luck with that]⁠ ⁠ I am safe. I am safe. On repeat. A necessary mantra. ⁠ ⁠ A door has opened. The collective memoir is being released piecemeal; incoherent chapters and snippets of prose. We are absorbing [remembering]; Big questions formed, answers on the tip of tongues seemingly unable to form words to express...Dreams, stray memories that feel like visions of another time, real-time reminders through physical experience. Righteous rage and bone aching sadness and that feeling that is felt in the instinctive clench of your jaw- crushing teeth to keep from saying the thing that isn't safe, not acceptable; to keep from screaming until you have no breath left and your throat is raw... ⁠ ⁠ ⁠

⎟⁠ ⁠And here I sit. What is this energy? What is mine? What have I been unwilling to surrender? What have I allowed to latch onto and siphon the life from me- what parasite have I allowed to use me as it's host. Mind grasping to sort what is a felt sense, a knowing, a purging, a reclamation. Ebb and flow. I'm tired. How can there be more?

LET GO.

Fucking let it go. ⁠

Let me go. ⁠

You aren't welcome here anymore. ⁠

It hurts too much. It now hurts more to hold on, than it does to let go. ⁠

LET GO. ⁠

Stop distracting. ⁠

Face it. ⁠

I know- it hurts. ⁠

Let it go.⁠

I am safe.

I am safe.

I am safe.

⎜𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒖𝒅 ⎜⟁ 𝟸/𝟼/𝟸𝟷

// from the journal

an offering // from LOVE

In the liminal space of winter //

This time for me, never really feels like a time to jump into action as we so often are encouraged to do with the changing of the calendar year. I often feel like any projects I attempt to move forward around the new year, feel forced and often, instead of being inspired, bring up a lot of anxiety and resistance within me. So this year I decided to honor what it was I needed in the moment, and I decided to stay inward, and take inventory; being a witness to what it was my body and energy was asking for, cleansing and clearing what was time to go, calling back pieces that had been fragmented and floating out “there”… going slow and allowing the massive transformation that I could only partially see/feel, but know has taken place over the last year +. Allowing myself some time to integrate and settle into this new state of Self I find myself navigating currently.

In that, I decided to share a reflection with you that I wrote in my journal one day, a few weeks ago that is also now a part of my newest episode on Relentlessly Authentic Radio— so if you prefer to listen, {check it out here}.

[And if you are interested in where this exercise/title came from, read to the end, I explain at the bottom ;)]

an offering // from LOVE

Me: LOVE, what offering is in the highest good, in this moment that I can give, to open me to the act of receiving?

LOVE [answers]: YOU…

Give yourself. dear one, give yourself over to the mysteries. To the unseen. To the felt— whispers, nudges and all you cannot yet feel or see or hear. Your gifts are not “having all the answers” based. Your gifts lie in your capacity to receive, to witness, to process and then respond accordingly, with a trust in the direction you are led. Give attention to the vessel that you receive with. This human experience is limited, but the body you have been given is here to support this mission you were brought here to serve.

Offer a surrender of distraction. Of judgements and limited lens through which you have boxed your creativity and shoved it away to avoid, to stay safe. To survive this cruel world that is lost and misguided.

Surrender your shame for desiring not to do.

Offer your most present being.

Offer to move more slowly, luxuriating in seconds, moment, experiences.

Offer gratitude for the people, and experiences that have been brought to your awareness right now. In this moment. In this season

Offer reverence for everything you have overcome, shed, let go of and called forward on this undressing of soul you’ve been navigating.

Offer awe, for the madness and beauty of all the choices, steps, and perceived missteps that have led you to this moment, this YOU! What the fuck! How wild and amazing that you are exactly you in this moment, during this time, stepping in— more and more everyday— toward exactly what your soul signed up for this go around. You are transformed in ways you cannot yet see, but I know you are starting to feel them, and you are prepared for it. She won’t take you anywhere you are not ready to go.

There of course is more healing, clearing, sorting to do, but where you are right now is ripe— ready to be picked— it only (yes “only”) requires allowance. Opening to the vulnerable acts of intimacy you are leaning into. He is here for you sweet soul. He is here FOR YOU. Let him be here. Let him love you. Your offering is allowance in order to receive the truth and intention and soul aligned purpose of his love, his being. You are still resisting the stability of him— his steadfast belief and knowing. It’s ok, it’s unfamiliar to you. For all you have known is resistance, fighting, uncertainty, wounded and repressed. Allow him to just be here. It’s all he wants and needs from you.

Offer your full self forward, soft front, open heart. It’s the way. And all the questions you have about pleasure, intimacy, relationship will become clear on the other side of that doorway. But you must step through— go inside of the house. I know if feels hard to breathe, like something is missing or not being said, but all will be revealed soon. You must offer you. Step in— cross the threshold. Leave the comfort of your current container [vessel], come in from the cold; all will be revealed to you.

With gratitude, LOVE

***

Where did this reflection come from?

A few things inspired this post. First, I was listening to an episode from the “Roots of Lore” podcast recently, titled “The Omen Days of Wyrd” where the host explored the concept of fate or destiny and the Norns [the keepers of the Wyrd] from Norse mythology; and some of what was discussed was a different take on how to walk into a new year. What stuck out to me was the idea of making an offering— for that act, opens you to the act of receiving; as winter is a time of receiving, an inward time…

This idea of an offering sparked curiosity in me and I pulled on that thread during a reflective writing flow shortly thereafter, asking the question of what my offering should be and I combined this with something I heard from Danielle Caruana on IG, {video linked here}, that I interpreted as a way to process emotions while feeling stuck or being conflicted and seeking an answer to sort whatever is bubbling within, through asking the question to LOVE; and then writing out the response that LOVE provides you. So that is what I did. So what you saw, was what came through when I allowed LOVE to answer on my behalf.

I share this with the invitation for you, if you are in a state of reflection and introspection, as a tool to use when the head tries to take over to create a little space within to hear a truer answer from Soul to guide you on this journey. I hope this message meets you with love and curiosity ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Nicolette

back in my body //

ask and ye shall receive //

I thought it was higher heart + throat/jaw… So I asked LOVE, “what is it that wants to be revealed— in this moment, in the highest good? What is the tension in my higher heart/throat/jaw wanting to show me? And as soon as the words left my mouth, I got a little nudge in the form of a burning feeling in my lower belly, on my right side— seems Sacral didn’t want to be left out of the party tonight— and when I asked “is there something here you want to show me??”, tears immediately sprang to the surface— so yea, I suppose there was something Sacral wanted to express. So, again I asked, this time including sacral into the mix, what it was that wanted to be witnessed, acknowledged and I got :

Conflict.

Ok. So I then asked, “what is the conflict between?”

And I received “Conflict between locking down and opening… and LOVE continued…

“All this potent energy in your belly— your fire— in your higher heart and hara— is stuck. It’s stuck in your hips and your legs and knees, your back and feet. It stayed dormant for as long as it could. To give you time to take care of what needed tending, but now it’s ready to fucking move. You’ve been still, depressing this potent life force energy into every corner—every joint that has felt sluggish or stuck— of your being that you could manage in order to integrate and heal. But now you must honor the warrior energy, the athlete you have always been— a physical presence in this world. You must honor the vessel. Care for this magnificent machine in order to build the resilience and stamina for your next steps. Move the energy.

I know you have much resistance to going here, to going hard, to leaning in— I know how much pain you were in for so long. I know how betrayed you felt, by your body and how so much of the joy you had for moving it got wrapped in memories of being incapacitated every time you finally felt you were getting back into a rhythm.

How disheartening it has been. How there are still lingering memories of arguments with him, the one who tried to control and break your will and with it took a place that was like church— as close to sacred space as you knew at that point— for you and turned it into one more place to be hyper-vigilant of your presence, more aware of the space you took up and who was watching and taking responsibility for that. How it was just easier to walk away than fight. How you left pieces of your integrity behind in those spaces.

And now, there doesn’t feel like a space where you belong; in those places you once occupied, so maybe you just need to create your own. Or cultivate a personal practice. Or do your best to wash away the old narratives and look at it with fresh eyes and an open curiosity. But either way, you need to sweat, move, get into your being and shake loose all the dormant gunk. You have to trust that your body will have your back (literally and figuratively) You don’t have to do anything that leaves you in pain— but you do need to get uncomfortable, lean into the resistance and rebuild your vessel.

It was ok that you stepped away from this tending for the time you did, but it’s time to come back. You can be strong and healthy without being in pain. You deserve— your body deserves— that love. And this is an edge of comfort you once knew so well, yet have shied away from for so many years. It’s time to find your way back, in a new way. Breathe fresh life into, integrate what you have gathered and make it FUN again. Make it empowering and authentic to where you are in this moment. Allow it to meet you in this version of you.

I understand the conflict. You have shed so much of that old being that didn’t serve who you truly were, and your athletic pursuits, your competitive nature, was deeply intertwined with that old, not-true self. The loss of identity you experienced after college, when volleyball was all of a sudden done and the whole scary world lay in front of you, and you without a plan; the grief of how it all ended…and how much of that weight you carried as a burden of responsibility and blame— as though it was in your control [it wasn’t], as though it somehow proved and affirmed that you were never good enough all along [ughh this one still has some stank on it]. I know it led you down paths that hurt. A lot. There was nothing you could have known back then that would have prepared you. And because you didn’t know, you were led even further away from you. But it also led you here. To this moment. To this you. You found your way back.

Had it been comfortable and a neat and tidy straight line, would you be here? Without the tension and the pain and the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that something was terribly wrong… would you have started seeking and found this whole world you never had a clue existed? Would you still have made unbearably hard decisions for the sake of your survival, that uncovered all this knowledge and truth? You know you. That type of existence— the comfortable and easy wouldn’t have required any of this of you. And you know now that this is what you are here for. This work. This excavation…

Dear one, it’s time to come back to you. And for you—for your soul. This requires coming back to and rebuilding your relationship with your body. You have to rebuild the physical to mend the spirit it houses. And I know you’re scared, and that’s ok too. It’s ok.

It’s time to integrate. Whole being. You can do this. Trust. Lean into the spaces that feel good— soul filled spaces. Move, and express, and move some more. You know what to do. Trust. You aren’ t the same lost woman you were all those years ago. Say thank you to her for how she led us here, stumbling and uncertain and fucking shit up along the way. She got us here. Witness and honor her fear and hesitation to going back into those places and let her know, she isn’t alone anymore. It’s time to forgive what needs to be forgiven. It’s time to let go of what no longer serves. It’s time to rewrite the narrative and to carve out time and care for your whole self.

I love you. You can do this. LOVE “

***

Day 2// Same drill as yesterday- tuning into my body and asking what wants some attention and then asking whatever questions came to me, to LOVE , and writing out whatever answer LOVE had to give.

I have to say, tonight surprised me a bit. I have been grappling all week with tension in my upper back and chest [for you Be Activated folks, my SCM points (K27 meridian point for you energy practitioners) has been SPICY AF the past few days] and so when I tuned in this evening I wasn’t surprised to feel those areas, but the other aspects of what came up, and the narrative that LOVE answered me with— caught me totally off guard with the emotion I felt behind it.

I have been aware that it’s time for me to get back to tending to my physical body [after I have been very avoidant the past year and a half or so], and is something I am already starting to consciously step back into, but the other threads, the ones that tied the tension to my sacral area to my higher heart— the grief and unprocessed pain that I apparently packed away for a rainy day— are now coming to collect [and oh hey, it just so happens it’s literally raining as I type these words— haha].

I think why I decided to approach this little writing challenge in this way, specifically incorporating the practice of asking self what wants to be witnessed and asking it questions [out loud for me seems to be far more effective that silently in my head for what it’s worth for anyone who wants to give it a shot], was because on some level, I knew this was the way to unpack that which was hidden from my conscious mind. Pretty fucking cool if you ask me. I thought I was starting this challenge to get my creative juices back on-line, but maybe it’s to support this integration of being that i’m focused on and being calling into in this season. Which in turn, will allow me to focus the channeling of my creative energy, with the stamina needed, to bring forward whatever it is I can feel itching to be let loose. Love it. Not the physical tension— headaches and achy joints aren’t my fave— but I do love that my innate wisdom, the knowledge in my body is literally just ready to give me the answers, that serve in this moment, if i’m just willing to ask. And then listen. And then stay with myself through it [ok so maybe it’s not easy, but kinda annoyingly simple].

Any-who my loves, on that note, i’m going to process this a bit more before I go to bed. Thank you for witnessing me bringing to the surface knots of threads I didn’t even realize were entangled. And if this expression has brought anything up for you, I invite you as always to sit with it, witness it with curiosity and maybe ask LOVE , what it is that it needs from you in the moment, that will serve your highest good. Then just pause, breathe and see what happens. And if you are looking to sort it out in a safe container, please connect with me and I would be honored to hold the space and journey with you.

Be well, sweet dreams and until next time ✌🏼

Much love,

Nicolette

Oh, and PS- as I wrote out the title of this post, it brought a dope-ass-song by Maggie Rogers [link takes you to youtube to listen if you are so inclined] by the same name. Thanks Amanda for kicking this one my way last year/

And all along the highway, there's a tiny whispering sound // Saying I could find you in the dark of any town // But all that I am hearing in the poem of my mind // Are silent twisted words finding their way in every line // This time, I know I'm fighting // This time, I know I'm (Back in my body)…

- Maggie Rogers, “Back In My Body”

uncertainty + allowance //

Day 1 // Some context for this expression [also, there is more at the end]: I’m practicing being more intentional about tuning into my body/spirit/energy and both noticing what is present, that may want to just be witnessed, that may want or need to be shifted or cleared; and also asking these aspects of Self, what they need, what they may be trying to tell me. So the following is a reflection of this exercise in tuning into self, asking what wants attention today and then asking LOVE a question to be answered as a support and writing the response in flow...

Today I tuned in and it was uncertainty in the area of my solar plexus and this is what came up for me…

uncertainty //

I find myself stalling— still half embodying my true and full creative expression. Hesitant to share the depths my inner voice speaks from, in that foreign language— sometimes unfamiliar even to me.

I feel envy— jealous of those I see that put it all out there. Those whose creativity seems as though it cannot be contained. I imagine* them liberated, full and flowing; creations spilling out of them just like the stories I create* about their perceived freedom of being. And when I look in the mirror, the artist— that beautiful liberated being— feels so far from the woman I see staring back at me. She still more often than not, feels stuck, blocked, resistant to letting it all loose…

[*calling out that i’m creating stories based on perception and reminding myself that it is my imagination filling in gaps, and that I don’t really know the truth. One of the most valuable tools I have learned on this journey of self awareness is recognizing that we create all sorts of stories based on our own perceptions, judgements, fear, insecurity, etc and there is no shame in that, but keeping a pulse on the fact that I don’t them to be true is really valuable to separate out the truth from the non…

com·par·i·son //

noun ; 1. a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.

Comparison—a dangerous game. Even when, maybe especially when, comparing where we are now to who we think/feel/know we could be. The gap between the current version of self and the “other” whole/free/real being we haven’t yet stepped fully into [or fear we may never become]. And that gap, while in actuality may only be a simple step, decision, or mindset shift away [or even wilder to consider— maybe we already are!? and just can’t/won’t see it], it can feel like the abysmal void— like being lost in the infinity of deep space with not an ounce of gravity to ground us into something real; leaving us feeling untethered to our true being, indefinitely floating.

There was a video I saw on Instagram a few days ago by @sahdsimone about comparison. A beautiful invitation to redirect perspective in those moments when we feel comparison shame creeping in—that not supportive “imagining” we do— to reframe it to something supportive and inspired by saying out loud [to yourself as though you are speaking to the person you are directing the comparison to]:

“thank you for showing me what is possible. May you be happy.”

I love this! And now as I write it out— I’m wondering how I could use that for the gap between who I perceive [+ where I perceive] myself to be, in this moment, and the feeling I get that i’m still only a fraction of Her fullness?

I suppose it’s as simple as saying to self [+ the vision/imagination of who I am capable of becoming]

“[Vision/imagination]— thank you for showing me what is possible. I am grateful for the inspiration it brings me as I continue to grow/become more myself. I love you.”

Reframing the disappointment, frustration/anxiety/self directed pressure to instead being grateful for the daydreaming— you know, those lofty thoughts and visions of what life could be like if there were no limitations— even if it feels crazy or unattainable. Those thoughts that often times we judge as being escapism from the “reality” of our current lives; that we have been told there is nothing productive in our “heads being in the clouds” and to “come back down to earth”{fuck that shit— seriously}— these are precious gifts that can be harnessed if we give them the space and reverence to be; to take root and blossom.

The reason we negate them or allow them to spin us into anxiety [oh hey there, it’s me], is because to open ourselves up to the possibility for something so big, different, uncertain— that’s fucking vulnerable. And it is for sure safer to our ego to be “realistic”. In fact, i’ve been stamping out my capacity to vision and imagine a life I truly desire and want to build for most of my life, in the name of being realistic. And it’s a habit i’m working diligently to break, because I know in my bones, that on the other side of my fear, what comes up in my imagination is the way to the life I came here to live fully.

Is it scary and uncomfortable? Yes. Is it hard to stay in trust some days? Absolutely. It’s why i’m still grappling with this shit. And I also know, that it’s just now my time to break these particular limiting beliefs so I can step into the next, truest version of me. The timing in perfect in my unfolding, as is yours.

So, thank you Soul, Heart, Love, [ME], for allowing me to see what I am in the process of creating [yes, creating— just by visioning]. I can be happy in this moment and excited for where I am moving; how i’m growing. Even when I can’t quite see the fully formed shape of what that looks like, maybe especially when I can’t see— just another invitation to trust in the unfolding...

allowance //

So when I ask LOVE “how do I shift this uncertainty sitting in my solar plexus?” [related to this season of my being and where I am headed next, the aspects of self that still feel trapped— that I am feeling impatience around— and what it will take to release them].

LOVE whispers gently back to me:

“Allowance. Allow yourself to be cared for. Nourished. To move slow, or fast. To sleep. And read. And daydream. To get lost in nature. To make love a meditation and making love a practice in liberation. Speak often and true. Share musings and stray thoughts. One moment, one sliver of awareness at a time… “

allowance.

I am the steward and architect of my life, in co-creation with the divinity of Soul and the agreements I made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through my veins.

[And as within, so without— you are the steward and architect of your life, in co-creation/collaboration with the divinity of Soul and the agreements you made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through your veins.]

And so it is…

***

day 1 // I’m back at it again. I have been feeling stalled in not only my creativity but also in my expression, so i’m back again with another writing challenge to myself. I’m starting with a month of blog posts based on reflective writing exercises, where I am tuning into self, asking “what is asking to be noticed, explored” and seeing what comes up. I have no idea what will come up this go around, but that’s part of the fun, I think ;). I’m sharing here as a place to record and hold myself accountable to this exploration of self, and also as an offering to you; an invitation for you to do your own exploration or possibly find resonance in the specific aspects/themes I happen to be exploring any given day. Thank you for being here with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Nicolette

you’ve got this //

Jan 17, 2019

Trust yourself. Trust your instincts.

Know deeply, that where you are is exactly where you are meant to be;

you created it for yourself; you called it in.

Breathe that in...

The impact you are making is exactly the way you are meant to lead and serve.

Your presence matters; you are the lighthouse that leads ships home safe despite turbulent seas.

I know the weight of that can feel heavy at times, but you are perfectly equipped for the task at hand and you thrive under this specific pressure.

Draw on your experience; trust that you know and can FEEL the right moves to make.

There isn’t a blueprint for greatness, it’s one step at a time. Honor what is present, what is now.

You are so deeply supported and loved on this path. Trust that. Breathe. Smile.

You’ve got this.

🖤

wise woman bullsh*t // thirty-six

⟨⟪ October 21, 2020 ⟫⟩

⟨⟪Libra sun, Virgo moon, Aries rising + a bunch of other stuff to make it extra interesting = me ⟫⟩

"Seek what feels true, even beyond the logical"

theme for this year round' the sun// [from my card pull on my b-day morning]

For my birthday this year, i’m giving myself the gift of full transparency and a bit of self indulgence. So I can look back a year, a decade from now and know exactly where I was to reflect on how far i’ve come. To witness what felt most true in this season in my life. And I share it with you, because in case you are struggling with any of the same feels and pulls and feel crazy/depressed/alone/curious/excited or anything else in between, I see you. I feel you…

[And in case you were wondering about the title of this post: it became, as a result of a convo I was having with my fabulous sister-friend Stacey Sexton, before we began recording an episode for Relentlessly Authentic Radio [stay tuned for that wild, fun and introspective convo coming in a few weeks] and I made a comment in jest about having "not yet written my wise-woman-bullshit-birthday-post for instagram yet" as if my birthday hadn't really been made official because IG wasn't notified of it by me [we had a good laugh about it]. So yea, wise woman bullshit feels about right; a nod to my ridiculous + this is indeed my version of wisdom— a little self indulgence and possibly some bullshit i’ve created to sound like I know what i’m talking about… spoiler: i’m winging it ;) ]

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what a year //

The year leading up to this that was called 35, wasn’t even a little bit what I expected to it to be. I’ve learned to accept that I don’t ever really know whats going to happen or how it’s going to happen and I’m mostly ok with that. But this particular one, well, it’s been confronting in a more subtle way than 33 and 34 were, but confronting nonetheless. And illuminating. And quiet. And inward. And explosive.

Rife with hopeful moments of grace balanced by seemingly hopeless depths.

Humbling. Visceral. And so much more… 

stepping into thirty-six //

And now, stepping into this new cycle, new season, a part of me feels very, very inward [something new and different for me *said with sarcasm and an eye roll*]. Maybe I could chalk it up to Autumn and the waning light as we walk toward winter. Or the Scorpio season waters that we are now wading in. Maybe it’s all the flipping Scorpio In my chart {Mercury, Pluto, and Lilith in 7th house, South Node and Saturn 8th house— hello underworld!} working me over. It’s a constant tension and seeming contradiction I’m attempting to find equilibrium in. My desire to share and connect outward both at a personal level and on a larger scale with community— and with the world— competing with my need and desire to stay inward, for quiet, to become clear in my own voice, to drown out all the noise around and be in my own stillness; to be my own grounding point. So the mirror of the world doesn’t distort my truth.

I know I need to find the balance point between extremes for all things [hello 7th house Libra sun] but there is an irrationally strong pull I feel in this moment to escape to the woods and block out the rest of the world until the only voice that remains is my own and not come out until the first draft of my book is complete.

There are messages that want to explode out of me— to support a greater awakening and healing that we are collectively walking into; that many are recognizing needs to take place for us to bring humanity back into the actual forefront and I know i’m meant to be a part of this movement; reclamation of humanity and reconnection with soul; shifting to a new paradigm of power dynamics that will bring us back to a balance that we need. And i’m constantly exploring how to bring this to life; into form. And then inevitably, as I start to pour out, it’s like the messages get stuck. Or I escape out of them. Or I come up with something else I want to create/try/experience and it distracts me away from the spaces I’m pretty sure I need to sit my ass down and just be with.

Squirrel.

[And that’s just all that happens in my head.]

Back on the human, practical level, amidst the constant urge to pull down out of the ether, the creations i’m meant to birth and share, my practical hands on client work has all but stopped over the last 8 months. More tension to sit with not only on the financial “survival” front, but also a feeling the void of not feeling as though i’m being in service to anyone. And then there are the stories around value and enough vs. not— “can I ever make this work” [this being a business that sustains my ideal lifestyle], and then coming back to questioning, what does “it working” authentically look like for me, and where is the line between where I have to play in the way things are vs. the world I want to be a part of? Ugghhh.

Knowing that anything not in my integrity loses it’s momentum to come to life, so I can’t focus on the money, but when the money isn’t there, it’s hard not to focus on it. Feeling exhausted with very little tangible anything to show for it. And knowing all the while that my mindset and internal narrative isn’t really exactly helping things. Trying to give myself the grace I always invite others to gift themselves… some days are better than others.

I love my solitude and sometimes it’s incredibly lonely and challenging to keep going without a team around me. And it’s not something I can outsource. A prison of my own volition as I recognize I chose this path. Or did it choose me? Who knows anymore…

Oh, me and my tensions and contradictions…

And I feel shame and all sorts of self judgement and yuck, recognizing it, let alone sharing that “out loud”. For not just being grateful that I have the luxury and privilege to sit here whining about my first world/white girl problems. Because I do have support. But I state it, because, it’s the narrative that is flowing through me, for better or worse. And I’m consciously attempting to rewrite and stand in what my story around my value actually is, and giving myself permission to feel frustrated and tired and throw a tantrum— to feel my fucking feelings, while keeping a pulse on the fact that i’m actually safe, and not going to go without in this moment. In order to stop blocking what can come in if I give it some room to do so. To move out of the fear that I will never be enough [whatever that even means] or that i’ll put my heart and soul in and nobody will show up for it— for me.

A few years ago, I had steady and a good income working in the corporate realm. I was doing a lot of stuff. I think I looked like someone most would define as successful. And I was miserable. I wasn’t fulfilled and my soul was starved for something I couldn’t even have named if I tried at that point.

Remembering that the life I led prior to this iteration of me, was— from the outsider perspective— more “successful” financially. And it nearly drowned me.

So I know i’m where I need to be. I have the contrast to know that. I know the value I have to provide, even if I haven’t yet figured out how to create a financially supportive life around that in this moment. And I know I have to do this. I can’t explain the “why” in words, I just know. It’s a truth. And I often wish there were some easier way, but I know the only way is through... facing the stories, the shame, the bits that still need forgiveness and frankly, allowing me to spill out the unfiltered after a lifetime of censoring...

So what does 36 feel like for me, in this moment, and as I look ahead to the next cycle around the sun?

It feels like a work in progress. Forever and always. Leaning into the tension I feel from current status-quo definitions of what makes us “enough” and continuing to, even with resistance, lean into trust, that this transition— is a necessary initiation for me to step more fully into what comes next— for me to clear space to create what feels supportive and alive and true. 

And I wonder as I write these words how many of you reading this— not in my inner circle—  would have guessed that I wrestle often with any of these particular gremlins. I don’t know, maybe you had already pieced it together that I am still navigating certain waters with a lot of uncertainty. But I hope in sharing it, that it is a reminder, that what we perceive and what is true about others, are stories we create and in order to know the truth, we have to lean in a bit. Peel back layers, be willing to get a little messy to get to the treasure of what is real. And also a reminder why comparison [especially over social media] is risky business— because we don’t actually know what someone else is dealing with, what their real is behind the scenes.

So in case you didn’t realize and you thought I had it all together. I don’t. I know what I have inside, I know the love and intentionality + an immense amount of reflection and compassion I show up from and I have the integrity to birth it into life + almost a decade now of knowledge I have been accumulating and pieces i’ve been putting together— and I know it’s supportive to the world that we are stepping into. I know I’m meant to be here, taking this path. And my medium for sharing— like this blog and Relentlessly Authentic Radio— is with the intention of empowering at the individual level through inviting you in to witness my process and unfolding; and giving the collective an invitation and space to shift to a new paradigm that allows for more room for all of us to shine in our own, messy, unique humanness— what a beautiful potential we have.

We are all human. We all have struggled and I think there is liberation and a lot more beautiful, healing creation and being that comes when we know it’s ok that we are in tough moments and we aren’t alone in that; we don’t have to be alone with it. And I say it here to remind myself that it’s ok for me to not know it all, have it all together; that my inherent humanity and vulnerability and sometimes ridiculous insecurity, makes me no less valuable or capable of what I came here to do and be; makes me no less worthy of love and “success”.

I am you and you are me.

who i am // in this moment.

I’m a woman who is consciously leaning in and leading from soul. Who is ready to stop apologizing for not being what others perceive me to be, or want me to be; a wild old soul, with big ideas of how to heal the world, who is over being less of her true. Who is not interested in a comfortable lie over a hard truth. I could make it more palatable for you— I am plenty capable of twisting myself into knots to conform to your comfort, but it wouldn’t serve me or the world.

I’m a woman still working to heal her relationship with her inner polarities— distrust of the masculine + bringing feminine more and more to life; sick of feeling held at arms length or resisted; working to let go of the stories and fears that there is nobody in this world that is going to see the real me, and stay.

[Did I mention my karma themes are big around trust — 8th house south node, scorpio— fun stuff]

A woman who knows what she has to give and wants to play in the deep waters of romantic love/intimacy in partnership and is open to that man, to step into my space ready to meet in my all; a man that is powerful in his own right, takes ownership of his journey and also knows his life, by my side will be infinitely fuller and has the desire to show up for the potential that our partnership holds for both of us— who will allow me to pour my love and support into him.

I want play, and pleasure and comfortable companionship.

I am a woman that, amidst it all, the uncertainty, doubt and mess— even just in my willingness to express these things about me that bring up the internal cringe— I find myself, more in love with me than ever before…

Finding my way back to center more often and with more ease.

Stepping into a strength I always knew was there, but both resisted and hadn’t yet figured out how to authentically harness.

I also often feel lost and stuck and tired of trying to figure it out and having to do it all on my own.

Sitting with the tensions of seeming contradiction is another growth point that has seriously helped me keep moving forward. It doesn’t stop the moments or days of feeling untethered and frustrated AF, but I don’t drown there anymore.

Fuck yes to growth!

I feel at home in my body in ways I have never before. And I think I say that every year, and it continues to be true.

I’ve let go of things I didn’t think I was capable of. I’ve leaned into spaces that in the past I’ve avoided out of Fear—feelings of being an imposter, or worries about how I would be received, fear of further isolating myself from a world I already feel barely connected to some days. 

I’ve also come to terms with the reality that the underworld is at least a partial home for me, and recognize the gift and the challenge in what it is to be me. And I love it. And some days I roll around in it and ask “why?!?” And I cry and scream and move my body, and another layer is shed, and I feel lighter, freer. And then I’m grateful. And tired. And there is a knowing on the other side of every one of these seasons and cycles...

What a gift this growing and living and evolving; what a beautiful journey coming home to self really is.

open heart territory //

This past year, I learned how to have my own back, to be my own safe space and to let go of the idea of those I held onto with the tightest of grips…and it was the foundation I needed to build to deepen into this next level of opening. I’ve said goodbye. A lot. To people. To not-true versions of me that I held onto out of… out of fear maybe, habit, lack of awareness even? To stories that have kept me stuck in striving and attachment. I have said goodbye to liberate, to clear space and open myself to the terrifying potential that it may be time for me to stop hiding and allow a new chapter to begin, to allow another in, in the way my heart and soul desire.

I have let go so I can learn a new way, the truer way.

And i’ve put out the call that I’m finally ready to clear the rubble and blockages in the heart spaces— and the universe is delivering in spades. Lilith and Kali vibes are working me over in a deliciously painful sort of way. Cracking me open, and not in a gentle way [is there even a gentle way to be cracked open I wonder?!] And I don’t like it. And I know it’s moving me exactly to where I need to be. It’s bringing me home. To spaces that never felt safe to rest in. That I shut off to protect little me.

And often times I feel like a really mature and knowing, toddler. I’ve got the idea of where i’m going, but some wobbly ass legs to carry me around. So yea, my 13 year old gangly with braces + a head taller than most of the boys, fearing that nobody likes me-self, is some days how this all feels— AWKWARD AF.

Trust. Play. Speak truth. Do the things.

These are my calls to action this year. Continuing to lean into learning what it means to relate, in a whole and open and receptive way, to build trust and to be fully me, even when the world at large may not understand what the f*ck I’m talking about, where I’m going and why... to stand in my mission and vision for this world: 

And I stand in gratitude. In this version, of me. For the beautiful friends and family I am held by. A special shout out to my parents for supporting me and believing in this mission and work I feel called to lean into. I am humbled by the privilege I am afforded to stumble around and figure this shit out and try my best not to feel guilty for receiving support as I find my way [receiving gracefully is another one of those big lessons that I resist and struggle with, but i’m working on it]. And along with this gratitude, is a promise it’s with a purpose and intention to support as many others as I can, on this clunky, wobbly ass and empowering journey home; being as real as I can along the way…

Relentlessly Authentic is an accountability buddy for me. To lean into the messy, the shameful, the judgement and the simultaneous joy, pleasure and play and witnessing how it all interacts simultaneously and sometimes in seeming conflict.

I am my work in action. In this moment. Constantly becoming.

Thank you for being a part of this journey with me. Thank you as always, for witnessing me and receiving me, exactly as I am…

with gratitude and always love

❤︎

October 21st is my actual born day— this particular one I spent it with my local loves; the women who are my arms to cry in when I’m really being worked over, who see me and love me, exactly as I am, who I can laugh and philosophize about life with. What a gift they are ❤️. I did this little mini selfie-shoot—I was the most dressed up I had been in longer than I can actually remember— wearing a dress + heels (do slide in mules count as heels? F-it— they do this week 🥴🤣). It’s the little things that put a pep in my step and a little extra sway in my hips— not gonna lie— I was feeling myself and it felt good stepping out mid day on a Wednesday way dressier than I normally ever would in my little corner of town.

I got to enjoy a proper Scottish afternoon tea. If you don’t know, Edinburgh is my favorite city in the world and it felt like being home, the next best thing to sitting in the meadows on a blanket, drinking a coffee and chatting about life with @silkedykstra, was hearing a person with a Scottish accent greet me as I walked in [the owner of this tea room is from Edinburgh]. So I drank tea, and laughed and chatted with my momma, and two of my best friends + my little 7 month old adorable chunker of a nephew who was a bonus addition to the party and as always put an extra big smile on my face.

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It was a good day.

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A few things that happened while 35 for memory sake:

I moved into an apartment which has become my little safe nest after not having my own space for a few years. ◆ I met some amazing humans + facilitated workshops around Coming Home and healing and spoke at the first Annual Women’s Self Worth Conference. ◆I went to Canada to spend a week with a soul sister I met over IG + got to spend an afternoon with a loved one I hadn’t seen in 6+ years. ◆I became an Aunt! [aunt life is the best life]◆ I spent a lot of time in aforementioned apartment pondering the meaning of life and my place in it.◆ I became a plant mama— 12 or so babies and counting. ◆ I launched nicolettebernardes.com [previously resilientlifecoaching.com]◆ I started a podcast! {squeezed that one in right at the last minute- last month was it’s launch}◆ I re-launched the aforementioned nicolettebernardes.com ◆ I didn’t publish my first book, but thats' still on my “is happening” list… ◆ I read, probably 45 fiction novels, mostly about witches, time travel or some sort of historical fiction, or a combination of two or three of those genres- not really an accomplishment, just a nod to where my head has been ;) ◆ I got called a witch in the midst of a sexual encounter— yes, i’m partially testing to see who is still reading— and yes, it happened, and is now one of my favorite stories to sum up the ridiculousness that is attempt at dating/relating 🤣◆

And I saw my favorite performer, Allen Stone, live for the 3rd time at the 9:30 club [like 8th time overall] it was epic and heart-full and I was so blessed to share it with my beautiful friend Amanda. If you don’t know Allen Stone, here is a link to a song that feels appropriate in this moment. Hit’s me in the heart every. damn. time. [His shows are a spiritual experience for me.]

The rest is a bit of a blur… because you know, covid + the incessant speed that the world is coming to a tipping point, so I spent most of 2020 just trying to find my internal still-point and managing the uncertainty and incessant inundation of stimulus we have all be navigating…

closing doors // death for creation

the process of creation //

Lately I have been doing my best to notice the little things that I find myself getting lost in- as in, those activities, experiences or tasks that I find myself spending hours on end just focused in on, or feeling a sense of joy and excitement in the creation of- and I realized that making playlists is something that I really enjoy and have been doing as a form of my creative expression for decades...

It brings me back to my days making mixed tapes in my bedroom; evolving in the internet age to downloading {virus infected} songs from Limewire and Napster to burn CD's for team warm up playlists or mixes to play on my car rides or as gifts to friends {literally my entire hard drive was filled with music}, and now Spotify makes this a breeze with endless options for my listening pleasure.

{and yes, I did make mixed tapes on actual tapes 📼- anyone else remember sitting in front of the boombox waiting for the song to come on the radio you liked and rushing to hit record, hoping the DJ's wouldn't play some stupid interlude that interrupted the song?But I digress...}

The process of creation is an aspect of the feminine energy, it is the birthing of something new into life, and in this culture of "hustle" and "doing" it's so easy to de-value the importance of getting lost in the creation of something, for no reason other than it brings you joy or energizes and keeps your potent life force flowing. But I invite you to resist the urge to turn everything creative into something that needs a dollar value or justification for why you are doing it attached. I’m super guilty of this as someone who melds my creative side with making a living and a part of my calling in service in this world. But it is a slippery slope, and I more often than I can count, have found myself dried up creatively because I haven’t left anything just for me, just for the sake of creating and flow.

Do the things because they feel good. Because you are present to it and everything else fades away. And then notice the instinct to feel you need to justify that to someone, mostly you. We are human beings and a part of bringing a balance back into this world, we need to get back to being and flowing unapologetically…


closing doors // saying goodbye

Another aspect of the feminine energy rising, is embracing the other side of the cycle of creation: death. This seasonal shift has me feeling empowered and on purpose. It's always been my favorite time of year— a settling in of sorts— and in the waning days of Virgo season {late September} in preparation to step into the abundance and celebration that is the harvest season, I was faced with the opportunity to either keep an old pattern on repeat, or close the door on a particular chapter. 

I chose to close the door, or maybe it was more like clear the doorway; removing blocks to make space for what it is I truly want to come in. Or, at the very least so I could at the very least let some fresh air in, instead of holding my breath waiting. {you can hear more about this in this week’s episode on Relentlessly Authentic Radio, “closing doors” if you want to hear more on this}

Endings are never fun, but when it's true and in service of self, honoring of the sacredness of my space and energy; when it is listening and leading from soul— the pain and grief have a slightly different frequency to it. It still hurts but there is a knowing that it is the right thing in this moment.

In this season— letting go, cutting energetic cords with others and the access I have historically left open for them—is allowing me space to rewrite old stories that no longer serve where it is I want to be, and give the opportunity to throw out the non-truth’s that I picked up like souvenirs along the way around my worthiness of love, belonging and safety— specifically in partnership with men. And it’s an opportunity to open to that which is in the highest expression of my being and actually have the heart[h] space to receive it.

It’s a reclamation of pieces of me that I have long outsourced to the world around, waiting with bated breath for them to return. How disempowering that has been! And how it has left me— because I cannot control what someone else does/doesn’t do— is scattered, sometimes shattered, and depleted. And that in and of itself is not fertile ground for creation. So in this new season, I feel that it is time for me to step out of that particular void, because the air’s getting too thin. I chose a death—that is not without grief— but in service of a more whole me. Without death, there is no new life…

One of the cards I pulled this morning, the "IMPROBABILITY" card from the Supra Oracle deck, had a statement in the description that really jumped out at me:

"But ultimately, life is much bigger than just being safe...Not being afraid to take the road of uncertainty is the first step in finding your authentic destiny in the world. And that journey, at once deeply personal and at the same time totally universal, is the only one worth taking..." 

Being faced with one of these deaths, whether actual physical death, or any life pivot, whether you made the choice or it was made for you— it’s vulnerable— is both deeply personal and totally universal. The past few weeks as a collective it's felt like the death of the hope that things weren't quite as screwed up as we deep down knew they were. But bit by bit, I think we are on a larger scale beginning to reckon with the fact that there is more than we ever could have imagined that is out of balance, and how much work there is to be done in order to shift things. And however you feel about it is 100% valid and yours. Feel it. You get to be here and feel. This is being human. And we have a choice. We can stay in the hopelessness, the grief, the righteous rage and drown in it, or we can be with it, accept it, and allow it to move us… transmute it into something inspired— by soul— from heart and truth.

And taking that next step forward is necessary. And it can take your breath away; the sheer force of disruption— like jumping into a freezing lake— so please, remember to breathe. And then breath again. If it's all you can do, that is enough. Just breathe. Stay with you. You will acclimate. You are that resilient. Just breathe. That’s a step.

sitting with tension // it can be both

Chapters ending make way for new life, new beginning; new chapters with big wide open arms. And just because that may be true, it doesn't mean the endings don't hurt like hell. Both can be true at the same time. Sitting with the tensions. This is a powerful practice. I rarely know what is coming next, and that can be scary, but leading from a place of choosing what will allow me the most room to embrace and flow in the life/death/life cycle that is inherent to every aspect of our very nature, leaves room for what is wanting to come in, that will serve me in this version of me.

And remembering that this soul that is “me”, housed in this temporary flesh, is infinite. There is never a time I have not been and there will never be a time I cease to be. And the same applies to you. This brings me a comfort amidst the madness. So the discomfort doesn't leave, and the pain in endings suck, but there has to be a letting go, a shedding, a creating more room— in order to allow the next season, the next moment, the next iteration of me— of you, of humanity— to unfold authentically. 

And there is no set timeline for this. The void is a valuable place to be, but it is not meant to be a forever place. There is a place in you that knows when it’s time to sit and when it’s time to move, I share messages like this as examples of my learning and exploring the nuances of my own life/death/life cycles. The overarching message:

LISTEN TO YOUR SELF AND LEARN YOUR INNATE RHYTHM

…from an embodied and deeper space that the fear in your mind will tell you stories about. What are you holding onto out of fear/ comfort/ sense of security, that is causing a sense of suffering in this moment?

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What are you holding onto out of fear/ comfort/ sense of security, that is causing a sense of suffering in this moment?
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What needs to be honored and grieved wholly, so that the healing process can move forward-that may be blocking the way for a newer, truer- definitely unknown- but more alive, authentic, true iteration of you to step forward? 

Big questions, I know, so while you ponder {or not} enjoy the libra season // equinox vibes playlist I made for you { click here to listen on Spotify}

Sending you so much love and big hugs, wherever this message is meeting you.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

trusting {in flow}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

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A puzzle complete; whole and sturdy in a deep knowing sort of way.

wild woman; opening portals, slamming doors.

Can you trust me to lead the way or will you startle at my roar?

Can you find you place amidst the folds of the great unknown?

Oceans of tears never cried— initiation {the beginning}

Never cease to be astounded at the strength of Her;

willingness to refuse to stay boxed in for others comfort.

A lifetime that says conform, and you lean in;

setting the box on fire and burning with it to the ground—

paving the way to the true—

leaving it— that comfortable and stifling known

stepping into new depths;

stumbling in the darkness.

Lead by intuition and trusting in the flow,

before you even know what it means to trust.

The head does not lead here— this is soul territory.

***

Day 28/28: I really left this one up to the last minute. Trusting in the flow [hoping for the best]. Today I’m feeling inspired by a session with a client; a divine reminder of the absolute power that is the feminine— blossoming in progress— coming home to the instinctual nature [as Clarissa Pinkola Estés would put it]. “The pain is great”— my client on the table, feeling… allowing herself to be physically moved to release amidst a sea of pain. This is a different kind of strength. It’s not how well we hold it all together and in, or how we put on an act to the outside world that we can do it all; how unaffected we appear to be by how much it hurts. How much weight we carry at the expense of self and soul in the name of being selfless creatures that make us worthy of praise and love [I write that as I roll my eyes at this stupid narrative that we have been spoon fed since infancy].

This kind of strength is in the courage. The knowing how much it’s going to hurt and doing it anyway— to find the way home to an unknown foreign land. For freedom and liberation. It is facing the abyss of a lifetime of grief unexpressed, and taking a step forward… and another one, and another one. This re-connection— to self and soul— is not some glamorous process. There are tears— bucket and oceans of tears. And lots of snot. Resistance. And discomfort so intense it makes you want to crawl out of your skin. Oh, and nobody told you about the righteous rage from wounds unhealed— coming in as you recognize from a new paradigm of awareness and connection to the sensations of your body— that you were in fact violated, and it’s shocking, and it hurts. And simultaneously being faced with the tension of “good girls don’t get angry” when all you feel like doing is fucking screaming and roaring and burning it all down.

When I say this isn’t “all light and love”, spiritual bypassing sort of stuff, I’m not kidding. And wow. I am in awe of the courage I get to be in the presence of. I have such a deep reverence for the stories entrusted to me, that I get to witness and hold sacred as these brave souls navigate being, from a new, unpracticed perspective and awareness. And when I say courage, it doesn’t mean without fear. It’s not about not being afraid— it’s about noticing the fear, and leaning in when soul says “step this way”. And standing still, when it says to pause. It’s drawing your own damn roadmap, writing your life script one step at a time. And stumbling blindly in trust as you wait for the next best step to reveal itself, even when you don’t really know what it is to trust self and soul—but you know—even though you don’t. You know? [I know this may make no sense or all the sense— but there is a lot of seeming contradiction in this place too]. There is not a one-size fits all path to life. It is you and you. And more you. And the closer you get to the truest version— it gets easier to step in your highest good [which is subsequently in the highest good of all] to pivot and stand strong in all that comes along with following the path back home— and the more aware you become, the painful reality is that you can never go back to that small and comfortable space. You burned it down, and all is left, is you. And what a beautiful gift indeed that is.

So yea, I get to do this work. So I guess, what I’m trying to say is I’m steeped in gratitude for the unfolding that is my script, that through trust, I have been led. I’m grateful to the beautiful souls that meet me along the way and add color and nuance and depth— and so much love— to my story and practice. That trust me with a truth they may not yet fully realize, but that is dying to make it’s way to being expressed in the world. I could go on and on, but since I have about 5 minutes until midnight, i’m going to call it. On this last day of this 28 day challenge i’ve given myself. I made it. And I suppose i’m grateful for that too.

Thank you to each of you that read one sentence, or read each and every post and every one of you that falls somewhere in the spectrum in between. I appreciate you.

With immense gratitude and always LOVE,

a {whole mood}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

“Losing Billy felt familiar to her, like a gunshot wound that had scarred over but never fully healed. He was a haunting figure— a loner who seemed to barely tolerate anyone around him, her included. With her, he just pretended better.”

-Constance Sayers, “A Witch In Time”

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Let go. Lonely figure on the fringe. Is it him or me? Maybe I just pretend better.

Who were you to me in another time and place? An instant familiarity, a warmth— separate from the southern, late summer humidity and palatable tension amidst a crowded room— that filled the space before you even noticed my presence. Your sun shining on me, though we met in the dark. Wounded boy. Guarded man. How is it I know the location of all your scars?

What is this fated encounter?

Why do you haunt me in the recesses of my heart… two pieces of the same puzzle. Meant to be— but what— I rarely wonder anymore. Whatever is to be, has yet to be unlocked in me. Merging forms coagulating; a weaving of many strands into one presence. I can hardly tell the difference these days, one experience, another lesson. Dark but benevolent forces leading me deeper into the realms of irrational.

“Resigned to the hands of fate. We await her impending beck and call.”*

A fleeting image. A passage in time; destiny crossing our paths over, once again. Soulmates; and barely friends. I wonder, do you fight me in every life or is it just this time around? Unable to sever the tie without bleeding myself dry. Tell me, how does one extract self, from self?

Quite the conundrum. The ever existing tensions between ego and soul. Separate and the same. Perhaps another byproduct—the paradox that is to be human. You are me, and I you. Inextricably linked. Pieces of a whole, passing shadows in the dancing late afternoon light. The golden hour. Where perfect polarities coexist for the briefest of glimpses.

A whole mood.

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“Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road.”

― Isak Dinesen, “Out of Africa”

Day 27/28 Spent most of this moody August day, curled up in bed, reading a book about reconnecting with characters from past lives, living out the fated dramas; love, loss and deals with the devil. So playing a little bit on the mood of the day— both the weather and this first day of Uranus retrograde in Taurus; feeling into the edges of the nerves that the fiction i’m reading is stepping on. Soul animations, unfinished business, a knowing without being able to see the full picture. Themes playing out but i’m too deep in it to see clearly. One more day in this challenge left, and I had to give myself a pep talk tonight to even open my computer. I’m grateful something came out of me at all, and proud of how I’ve followed through for me.— keeping my word to myself— even if it looks like not finishing until the last moments of the day in question. This is me in process. Moody and procrastinating— with just a little edge of resistance ;).

With gratitude and always LOVE,



*Lyrics from the song ”A Passage in Time” by Dead Can Dance

{retro reminder}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

Holding on to old wounds; Value. Belonging. Am I doing it right? Triggers coming in from every direction. A comfortable suffering to distract from the immensity of unknown continuously stepping into. With every layer of armor chipped away—integration; an acclimation period awaits. Naked and ill-equipped— all that remains.

Anxiety creeping around the edges, threatening to consume. In these moments, doubt and disillusionment are the false friends sitting by my side; holding me in an unforgiving embrace. Old becomes attractive. Impatience a tell. When to stay. When to go. When to hold on, when to let go: attachment, the least attractive outfit I own. And amidst these spaces— there is nothing “to do” other than my best. Face down, belly on the earth— literally laying on the floor— the only tether point grounding the incessant spinning at higher altitude. Leaning in, pouring more love into the not-beautiful; surrendering to the paradox of grace; bringing her into deep embrace. Trust the process. Breathe. Remember: this too shall pass.

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“To truly heal, however, we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self punishment of vengeance was evoked in us. The old healer of the psyche understands human nature with all its foibles and gives pardon based on the telling of the naked truth. She not only gives second chances, she most often gives many chances.

-Clarissa Pinkola Estés, ”Women Who Run With the Wolves”

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Day 26/28— Uranus Retrograde prep: A one-hand-rooted-above-ground reminder for the times when I forget. This has been a week. Old gunk rising, themes playing out— as within, so without. I find it helpful to sometimes write the reminders to myself amidst the muck that i’ve been here before. That I will make it through. That i’m not the same as I was before. I have more awareness, I know many of my tells, my “markers” that i’m going into that underworld space— that I both love and loathe. And that grace is everywhere around me. Kindness, curiosity non-judgement: my navigation companions. So much is happening and simultaneously i’m trying to reconcile the feeling that i’m somehow standing still, if not moving backwards. Am I grounded in trust and truth, or frozen in an old cycle of fear? Maybe i’ll be able to discern the difference tomorrow. For now, i’ll just remind myself again and always, that this too shall pass. And that’s all I have to say about it today. Maybe i’ll have more tomorrow. This too shall pass…

With gratitude and always LOVE,

PS: Oracle Card pull today from the “Earth Warriors Oracle” with a little supporting wisdom:

“When the mind says no, but the heart leaps with joy, we are ripe for a transmission of empowering grace. The sweet paradox is that the more impossible the situations appears to be, the more we are supported through grace and our divine success manifests, swift and complete. Let the faith of the heart overcome doubt. Allow your mind to be filled with the wonder at the unlimited power of the Divine, and you shall bear witness to sacred manifestation”

-Alana Fairchild