kind of {currency}

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

What if, tomorrow, everything changed, and money ceased to have any value— as in, it could no longer buy you anything—couldn’t get you anything— power, access, resources…

…and the new “currency” would be:

the depth of your presence;

the quality of your hugs;

the warmth and love that you meet people with; how you bring them in and hold space and witness them in their fullness;

how well you served your community;

how well you cared for the sacred vessel that is your body…

What if that became what made you wealthy? That’s what allowed you the lifestyle that you desire and ensured that you always had access to food and shelter and whatever else needed to survive and thrive?

What if that new currency created what would be defined as abundance in your life; if it were what the world at large determined to be the most valuable aspects of a person? [if we are going to imagine we are maintaining a hierarchy of human value in this new paradigm, of course.]

What would your net worth be?

And if the value of money were to disappear overnight, stopped being something that we used in exchange for what we want and need, would everything that you’ve been working towards still be worth it?

[The time, effort, energy that you’ve put into building, growing and saving for the vision you hold of the future. All you’ve sacrificed and compromised on— in the present— to get to that place where money is no longer something you have to think about or a barrier to the life you want to live.]

If it stopped being relevant tomorrow, how would you feel about the life you are currently living?

Would you feel like you’ve been wasting your time? Or would you still feel that what and where you’ve been spending your time, effort, and energy— what you’ve been working so hard to build [for the future]— still held value to you?

I’m curious— as a collective society— how many of us are doing something that is deeply meaningful to us. That holds intrinsic value, not just because it gives us the opportunity now [or potentially in the future] to have access to things like resources, shelter, food, or a certain coveted lifestyle, but because it feels in service in a way that is authentic to our soul. In other words it has a juice— an energy to it— that makes it significant outside of the monetary exchange…

And I think on that same thread, it’s important to question individually, what we currently hold in higher regard: assets or humanity?

Pretend for a moment, that you are already living the values of this new, imaginary society where how we show up for self and other— the humanity of it all— matters more than how much money we make and what it can buy us…

Based on the above questions posed, do you have a fulfilling and abundant life [again, without money as the deciding factor]? If not, I invite you to consider the possibility that if money were to simply become worthless [I know it’s not “simply” but we are playing in our imaginations right now— stay with me] would what you’re doing right now and the expense of it — the affect it has on your physical, mental, spiritual health and well being; how it impacts your relationships— the sacrifices, the compromises—would those expenditures still be worth the cost to you?

***

We humans like the illusion of control as a comfort from the reality that things can change in an instant. We are living that reality right now [currently August of 2020]. To a large degree, the outcome of any endeavor is out of our control. If this year has reminded us of anything, it’s how little control we truly have and how many unknowns there are in this life. We control how we show up and how we react. So if everything you have received in exchange for your actions in the past[the outcome], suddenly became worthless, would the journey [the effort]— the exchange of your most finite resources [time and energy]— still have been worth it to you?

If not, I would urge you to consider where you would be left, if everything we have valued as a society were to change overnight. It’s not as far off an idea as we would have considered 6 months ago, now is it? And if that notion scares the shit out of you— it may be worthwhile to take a deeper look at what you are motivated by today, and if that is in alignment with the truth that exists within you vs. something you have bought into [pun intended] that holds little to no true value within.

This moment is literally all we have. More now than ever it feels important to go within to consider what really matters, so that when things do change, you are already showing up from an empowered and authentic space— able to adapt in a world where the only absolute is that things change— instead of feeling dragged around by all that is out of your control.

I know it doesn’t seem likely to occur, and it really doesn’t matter if it does or not. I'm just inviting you to consider how you would respond if everything were flipped upside down [as if they haven’t been already]; if your entire life was built upon the idea of a future self, without any real grounding in who it is you are today, and why it is you do what you do— how would you respond to such a huge paradigm shift? Maybe this is something you’ve already been grappling with over these last few months— maybe this is the first time this has come into your consciousness to consider. Either way, empowerment is an inside job. The outside world will always dictate who and how you should be for their convenience or agendas, but it can’t give you something that you already have within. And only you know the truth of what your purpose is here in this life.

The value of money doesn’t have to become obsolete in order to shift the way we value and show up for humanity—how we show up for ourselves— today.

This is how we reconnect to the power that has always been within. And frankly, become better humans living amongst other humans. So the invitation here: be more intentional about how we are showing up for the present moments that we have, because who knows what tomorrow will bring ;).

***

Day 25/28 : Lots of questions stemmed from a stray thought while eating lunch…I think about the phrase “if money were no object” as an exercise in visioning the future I want to create, and it struck me today that instead of looking at it from the lens that I have so much money it were no barrier, but instead, thought— what if it just weren’t the bartering system any longer that gave me access to things like food, a roof over my head, a car that I can put gas in and drive where I need to go… but if there was something totally different [i’m on a “what an entirely new world could look like” kinda vibe these past few days]. I’m not naive enough to believe that money [at least in my lifetime] would ever be deemed worthless, but I think my hope on some level is that we begin to re-evaluate what really matters, defining value for a more holistic and intrinsic space— each one of us individually being more tuned in with what is most valuable to us, and begin to shift and become a bit more intentional about how live in service to those values. Money is an energy, its a commodity that we have given value, and there is nothing wrong with that, except for when we prioritize it over the inherent value of a human being, or live out of alignment with our unique truth and purpose because it doesn’t make us enough money…Or worse, we determine the value a human based on how much money that have [this includes ourselves]. We have linked abundance to money and in that, have lost sight of the fact that abundance comes in so many shapes and sizes and experiences, if we could give ourselves the space to be here NOW and pay attention to what lights us up—what gives us that warm and fuzzy feeling of being deeply connected to something greater than ourselves; if we could begin to, as a society give that more priority it could transform the way we relate to the world —and most importantly, how we care for and show up for one another.

Where I hope we move toward: More value on humanity, quality of relationships, authentic service coming from a place of love and truth. Less greed, and competition and fear about going without. Creating systems and structures that provide access to the resources that each of us needs to survive, so that we can all begin to show up from an authentic place of service, and give our unique gifts to the world— instead of most of us being in perpetual survival mode.

I wonder how we would relate to one another and how it would shift our mental and physical health. To be seen, and appreciated for our humanness and not the size of our bank account and who “we know”. To not have to hustle or strive or damn near kill ourselves in order to be able to pay rent, or have access to nourishing food and clean water. To not feel shame or selfish for honoring self, and the natural rhythms and cycles of our being— prioritizing the care of this sacred vessel that is our body, which holds that which is infinite and inextricably connects us to all: soul. If we valued the quality of a person based on how they treat other people more so than how much money/influence/access they have, I wonder how different this world would be.

As always, thank you for sticking it out here with me! I would love to hear your thoughts on what came up for you during this reflection. What kind of world would you create if you could?

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{built} for this

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

“But I think she weeps also because she was given a transmission that she realizes now the disciples are not able to receive. It’s a teaching that she can uniquely give to them, precisely because their whole world order and idea of power would have to shift in order to receive it. “

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

shifting power for a new world order

with and for, no more power over.

we cannot dismantle only to rebuild on the same faulty foundations

yet, dismantle we must.

tear it down; burn it to the ground

clearing space for an ancient kind of new

creation from places unseen

just out of sight

a different sort of vision required;

2020; the beginning; the end

☿

alchemy;

transmuting base metals into gold.

trust to take the lead

an uncharted gnosis; in our bones

singing its siren song

from the depths; rising

in many ways, a merging.

Bringing back a balance never before seen

consciousness meeting soul

divine melding with the mundane

masculine holding feminine

as above, so below

whole

holy

♀︎

change is painful.

death, inevitable.

we were built for this.

we were brought here for this

***

Day 24/28: We must shift the current paradigm and ideas of power in order to receive this new world that is waiting for us; change is painful; death, inevitable; we were built for this; we were brought here for this; it’s time.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{what i’m here for}

Last Quarter Moon in Taurus

***

Day 23/28

I started my post yesterday with the lines “My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces… I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart…”

And I meant it. As did I mean everything I wrote after that opening statement. And as i’ve been sitting with all that came up for me today as a result of what I shared in “i’m tired.”, I did some reflection on what it is the point of any of this is for me. Why i’m speaking about these things, that make me super uncomfortable, but can’t quite shake off and move away from…

And it’s because I really truly believe we need to get more honest about all the things we’ve been doing our best to keep swept under the rug— to save face, to be deemed acceptable— to all remain comfortably unconscious of how not ok so much— in the way in which we interact with each other—has been for so long.

And as this writing challenge begins to wind itself down, what i’m seeing more clearly are the threads i’ve been on the fringe of pulling that are here and asking for me to keep diving into.

For a while I wasn’t going in on them, either out of fear or because they are so big, and deeply enmeshed—with so many tentacles and directions I can go— I get overwhelmed when I try to start. And so I wasn’t finishing anything. This challenge has given me deadlines where I don’t have the luxury of time to agonize over how complete something is; it’s pushed me into pulling, untangling and weaving the best that I can, every day. And then allowing whatever comes through, to just be there and trust it’s exactly what needs to be expressed. In. This. Moment. [living the feminine in flow and trust]

And that’s a lesson in and of itself. One of “The Four Agreements” [by Don Miguel Ruiz] which is: Do your best everyday. Letting that be enough. Trusting, as I said, that it’s exactly what it needs to be, even if it’s messy, or incomplete [or has a few grammatical or spelling errors]. Even if your best any given day is less than your best-best ;).

Showing yourself more compassion and understanding in that you are a human being, not a machine. And doing the same for others. Remembering that we are not meant to be fully “on”, all day, every day. It’s unreasonable, and unnatural. Yet, we beat ourselves up for the reality of who it is that we inherently are as we strive and hustle and harm ourselves in an attempt to out-human our humanness— to live up to some unattainable standard.

What? Why? And at what cost?

What kind of life are we actually living?

When we can’t accept our humanity, we build lives around trying to mask the vulnerability of the aforementioned humanness from the world around us. And not only do we keep spinning in these cycles of “doing”— that leave us too exhausted at the end of the day to stop and reflect on why we are even doing it in the first place— but it also isn’t true. We aren’t being our true selves, nor do we often even know who authentic self really is.

So how in the world can we know we are living on purpose— our authentic truth— when we reject and hide self from self and the world or if we are too damn tired to do anything about it?

What is the point?

What is the actual point of any of this? And by this, I mean life. We all get to decide this for ourselves. For me, having been in different phases through my 35 years on this wild ride, i’ve done a lot of trying: the collegiate athlete needing achievement and acknowledgement route. The jumping into a relationship for the illusion of safety and stability that marriage is supposed to promise without knowing who I was or what I really wanted/needed. I’ve done the corporate grind trying to move upward, more money, better title— never enough, hustle more, work more, show how good I am— and losing sense of who I was along the way. I’ve left it all behind to completely pivot into personal coaching and “entrepreneurship”.

I’ve had my personal life blown to pieces [more than once] and gone on a journey 3+ years in the making that has taken me across oceans and into the deep, dark and scary places within myself— and in that personal journey, I have evolved the way I serve and show up for clients as a result of all that I have learned.

I’ve redefined what life is more times than I can count and I am always [and likely will forever be] questioning, learning, and hopefully evolving— shedding the untrue and becoming more whole and fully me.

And now here I am, wherever this is. Through it all, i’ve come to recognize that there is “the way it is” that most of us are taught, and, a whole other entire paradigm and a million ways that it’s possible to “be” if you are willing to get a little uncomfortable, step away from the known, remove the shackles of expectations and worry of how you will be perceived by the world around you and open yourself to the possibility than anything is possible.

So with all that i’ve seen, the huge contrast in what I knew “before” and what I know now, what i’ve come to— what I continue to come back to, time and again— what truly matters to me:

love and connection.

When I look around me, there are so many others that want the same thing, yet still feel a lack in the area of deeply nourishing, authentic connection and relationships. And because of the way things are, we are stuck in cycles that are not conducive to authentic connection. And when we are unable hold space for our humanity and all that comes along with it, we can’t truly hold one another.

From my vantage point and experience, we don’t give much in the way of grace— in the process it takes to learn another being, to build trust and inevitably screw it up at different points along the way.

We have little capacity for true forgiveness because it’s too vulnerable to risk being let down again so we never even get to that point because we are too afraid of being hurt or being the one screwing up and being condemned for it. Sometimes, often times, we are both.

There is a new world on the horizon that is wanting to be birthed; that we have the chance to create if we are all willing to put down basically everything we have learned and begin to meet each other from a curious, non-judgmental energy— it’s waiting for us— we need to be willing to meet it. We need to be willing to meet ourselves.

And if we can create safe spaces for us to explore all the hard and ugly truths about what has been happening and how much it sometimes hurts, then we have a chance to heal, to grow and to actually—finally— meet each other. Like, for real.

But in order for that to happen, we have to change the way we are doing things. We must be willing to share both our triumphs and our tragedies. We have to start being able to hold space for people when they share how much something has hurt them and instead of trying to fix or denying their reality, allow them the space to work through it [and know they aren’t alone].

We need to get better at boundaries; around our own energy, so we don’t absorb others’ pain and wear it like a brick backpack that eventually crushes us. And also so we can be more open and receptive to witness them in their moments. Not making it about us.

Taking ownership of what is ours, and allowing them the space and empowering them to take ownership of what is theirs.

We have to learn an entirely new way of relating with one another.

And this is why I keep pulling at these threads: because I believe this work— this unlearning to relearn— is absolutely vital to creating a world we all can thrive in; not just the privileged few.

I guess i’m just one of those crazy ones that cannot accept it as is. Because I now know there is something… more. And with that knowing, I can’t be less of me to fit into “the way things are” anymore. And naturally— love and connection and all— I want to share this with others to give them the chance to decide, with as much information as is possible to live the lives that best support their soul purpose here. To remind us all [including myself] that who we are—our true, soul self— is exactly who we are supposed to be— and being anything less than all that is “you”, is doing the world a disservice.

So I am going to continue to talk about the things that will help catalyze the shifts I feel in my bones are necessary to start living from a different paradigm. One where we are willing and able to meet one another and truly see the beauty, the good [god], in all.

Unconditional love and authentic connection. Building trust. Moving in the world as the divinely messy beings we were perfectly designed to be, and meeting one another in this thing we call being human.

This is what i’m here for.

with gratitude and always love,

i’m tired.

Waning Gibbous Moon in Taurus

My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces…

I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart.

And I can’t keep pretending that i’m not absolutely fucking exhausted about the way things are and have been for far too long.

Because I know you were taught the same bullshit that I was.

I know it doesn’t serve any of us

I know it’s not your fault.

And I know you aren’t helpless— you can do better.

I’m not here to beat up on you. Or to talk down to you.

You are so much more than that.

I want to call you up to your full capacity.

It doesn’t do you or the world any service to pretend that it’s just the way it is and as though you aren’t capable of being more, of being a whole being.

Nor does it do the world a service for me to stay small or quiet for your comfort; to be less of me so you don’t feel insecure or inferior.

I want to meet you in your fullness. Not this half version we are all so familiar with.

And it’s your choice to embrace that or not; it’s your choice whether you want to be met. And…

I’m tired.

***

I’m tired of being told that the clothes that I wear; that the body I walk this earth in, is a distraction. That my making eye contact or being friendly is an invitation for your unwanted advances. That you can’t see past what it is you desire to see how uncomfortable I am.

I’m tired of having to play traffic cop and have my guard up. Of your sense of entitlement and expectation of how I show up for you.

I’m tired of being verbally assaulted for not leaning into your advances.

I’m tired of you leaning in, only to run away the second it feels like you may have to take responsibility and show some discipline.

I’m tired of being demonized or treated as something to be resisted and kept at arms length because you are too afraid to touch your own vulnerability and the mirror of mine is too much to stand in for you.

I’m tired of being fought. Of being accused of trying to control you because you feel out of control; because you need the control and without it you don’t know how to swim in the uncertainty that is life.

I’m tired of your suspicions about my ulterior motives when I speak directly and openly about what I want; about me being empowered in my sense of self; in my sexuality; in my boundaries, that I set, not to keep you out, but because they are in alignment with my integrity and allow me to rest in a space with you, open to you— to pour into you. [Isn’t that what you want— to be given to and received— in love?]

And it’s not all about you. I know you aren’t familiar with that concept. But i’m not here, spending my time and energy thinking of all the ways I can trick you. When I say I want honesty, it means I want honesty. When I state something clearly about what I want, I mean it. It’s not a trick or a trap i’m setting. If you don’t want the same thing, it’s really ok. Even if my feelings get hurt in the process. Not everyone is going to be a good fit. And I can manage my feelings. I can hold space for pain and disappointment. And I can survive it. So can you, if you were willing to give it a shot. And it’s ok if you don’t want to do that either, just don’t pretend you do to save face and then run and hide when faced with the opportunity.

[And to be clear: it isn’t about you protecting my feelings when you avoid telling the hard truth’s— thats about your discomfort in standing in and communicating that truth. It doesn’t make you valiant or kind, it makes you a coward.]

I only want truth. Not the story you think I want to hear. I want your truth. I want to know what it is you really want. I want to know you. Including the messy and uncertain parts.

[And for the record, I know when you aren’t being honest. I can’t explain how I know, but I know. Often times, you may not even realize you aren’t being honest, because you aren’t used to even telling yourself the truth. And I have compassion for the journey it takes to get to the truth beneath the stories we have picked up and tell ourselves in order to fit in this world.]

I see you. I truly understand and I’m not judging you.

And i’m so tired. Of walking on eggshells around your fragile ego. It’s one thing to be shaky standing in the discomfort of uncharted territory. But it’s a whole different vibe when you have the nerve to try to manage and control me for your own comfort and then talk about my emotions being a weakness or too much; when you twist my words or when you dismiss or reject my experience because you can’t handle witnessing the raw and unfiltered delivery of it.

[We don’t live an entire life without going through painful experiences, and I don’t need you to take on the weight of mine. I just need you to hold space for and witness when it comes up. The life we live inevitably shapes who we are— for better or for worse— and how we show up to things like relationship, friendship, sex, intimacy. That’s life.]

I’m tired of you projecting your inability to connect with your own emotions onto me and acting like you are doing something to protect me. It’s just another way to protect the ego that needs a damsel in distress to save; when you don’t know your value outside of providing or fixing.

I don’t need you to save me, I need you to show up. To stand in and for your truth. I need you to realize how sacred your space is and honor that first and foremost. And if you say you want me, I need you to meet me in mine and not feel afraid because I don’t need you to save or fix me. My not being helpless is not a threat to your “manhood” whatever that even actually means…

[But, it does seem to make you uncomfortable— stating that my needs matter too. That my pleasure isn’t about your ego. It’s not about some outcome you can pat yourself on the back about as you replay it in your mind. It’s not even about an outcome. It’s about the journey. It’s about connecting. Not a transaction. It’s about experiencing and flowing and deepening and enjoying the freedom that exists in that safe and delicious space. It’s not about pushing the right buttons to complete the next level. My body isn’t something to be played and achieved with a score attached to it at the end. And if you weren’t present enough to the moment that you don’t know if I came, don’t fucking ask me, please— just don’t do it.]

I’m tired of being misunderstood.

I’m tired of being held at arms length.

Tired of you walking into my space for your own desires without any intention of truly meeting me.

I’m tired of transactions.

[I want depth. Intimacy. Relationship. And I want a type of relationship that isn’t cookie cutter or the standard. I want to create a relationship built on trust and truth and freedom and unconditional love. Where two people are choosing the life they want to create; together.]

And i’m tired of being accused of anything less than that.

I’m tired of being pinned to the wall when i’m anything less than perfect.

[I am a human being. And I don’t know everything. I make mistakes and I own up to my mistakes. I do my best to learn and do better. And I hold space for that in you as well. I receive you in all of your humanity. Can you—will you— meet me in mine?]

I’m tired of having these narratives run through my head.

I’m tired of these cycles that sweep through me and knock me on my ass, where I am so angry and resentful toward the men I have encountered or witnessed throughout my life that have treated me [and others] as a transaction or a conquest; who couldn’t see or meet me and how that effected how I showed up in the world.

And i’m tired of feeling resentful or angry that I let it. That I changed me for their comfort or a false sense of belonging and conditional love. And I also know that if I keep dancing around it or keeping it trapped inside of me, it cannot be transmuted into any sort of inspired action; into any real change or growth. So as uncomfortable as this all makes me, and likely makes you...there it is.

I’m tired.

***

Day 22/28: I’ll tell you what. I really didn’t want to write [or publish] this. This topic brings up a lot of instinctual resistance within me. It’s feels like a dangerous place where i’m about to be swatted down. But it’s been what is coursing through me the past few days [and the past few years frankly] and what came out when I first sat down to write. And I tried to write something else, but came back to this instead, so yea…. here we are.

I don’t want to project or blame. There is too much of that going on in this world and that’s not my aim nor what I want to contribute to the conversation because I don’t think it’s particularly productive in opening lines of communication or in building relationships. But i’m really tired. And there is some swirling energy in the ether that is bringing up a lot of wounding around the historical mistreatment— the violence, abuse, rejection and fear— of women, including myself. I want to be able to frame this conversation in an inviting way. And this is one of those uncomfortable ones. This is my truth and it’s all I have in me today. So again, i’m not writing this to blame or shame anyone who may be reading this and finds themselves taking offense. If you want to do so, that’s your choice, but I would always instead invite some curiosity and reflection into the areas that bring up resistance. And if it doesn’t apply to you, then it’s not about you.

And i’m not overlooking or bypassing that men suffer as well, as do many other segments of the population that I happen to not fall into the category of; this is just what is in me today, coming from my white, cisgender, hetero, white female perspective. And with that disclaimer, this is where I will call it for the evening. If anyone has anything they would like to discuss in relation to anything i’ve written, my door is open as long as you walk in it with an open, curious and respectful way. We can have hard conversations with love.

Sending so much love to anyone else feeling some of these wild vibes today, or over the last few days for that matter [or the whole of this year if that’s where you are]. And for clarity sake, by vibes, I mean “fuck the patriarchy, let’s burn it all down'“ vibes.— that’s just where i’m at]. If you are feeling some other sort of vibes, I’m sending you love and an encouragement to hold space for whatever is there— we may just be in different head/heart spaces ;). Regardless and always, I appreciate you being here on the journey with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,



{i went to sleep}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries {still}

 i went to sleep //

and woke up next to you

messy hair and morning breath 

limbs intertwined

bare skin; soft 

you whispered good morning  

pulled me in close, like you always do

kissed my neck

ran your hand down the side of my body 

as awakened eyes met 

and for just a moment

time stood still

just the two of us

A familiar feeling

wrapped in love

nowhere to be

nothing to do

the sweetest pause...

// and then I woke up.

{maybe one day we’ll meet again // somewhere other than in my dreams}

***

Day 21/28: This Aries moon + Venus in Cancer has got me feelin’ some sort of way these past few days. Emo love songs about distant love, heart literally aching and tears making their way out periodically when a certain song comes on, or lyric hits a nerve; day dreaming about love and connection those that came before, the ones i’m calling in; watching Netflix rom-coms. And what I don’t like acknowledging but will for sake of transparency— I don’t often feel lonely, but I’m feeling the craving to have a man in my presence, someone that I have an intimacy and trust with, that I can just snuggle up with and exist in the same space. I miss being held and touched [again, thanks Venus in Cancer for these vibes *insert eye roll here *]. So today, i’m just going to keep it short and sweet, and spend the rest of my evening enjoying being in this beautiful little hearth space that is my apartment, around my plant babies that all got new outfits today [translation: they got potted in pretty ceramics], watching more Netflix rom-coms. Love and extra tight distance air hugs to anyone who is feelin’ the— longing to be witnessed and embraced— sort of feeling. You’re not alone.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

who I want to {be}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

Today, I woke up. I had coffee. I moved some heavy furniture I’ve been putting off moving for 9 months, down a narrow staircase, and into a very small cellar [like 4 1/2 foot ceiling and loads of spiderwebs in a 100+ year old house kind of cellar] and may have escaped without doing any real damage to my back [winning]. PS: in case you were wondering—I’m out of shape and was reminded that my body could use a little resistance training for #lifestuff like picking up heavy things and not throwing out my back. But on the plus side, there is more room for activities in my apartment now [yay!]. I had a friend gracious enough to wake up and help me move said heavy furniture into the small space, and he also escaped [as far as i know] without anything more than hitting his head once [also winning].

And then we had a good long talk over delicious iced coffee [cups number two and three for the day]. We talked about inner journey vs. outer world. About duality and paradox of being human. About what the fuck is happening in the world right now and where we go from here. We agreed and disagreed and often said a lot of the same things in our own unique language and tried to bridge gaps. And then when both our brains had enough of the mental gymnastics, I went home. Showered the dried sweat [again from moving said furniture in a humid-ass Virginia summer day], ordered Thai food from my fave local spot and inhaled some Pad Thai. It was delicious. Then I watched “The Kissing Booth 2” on Netflix [feel free to judge me if you want] and I proceeded to cry my eyes out. Not quite sure what that was about, but it unlocked something. And then I spent the last two hours listening to moody EMO music, singing at the top of my lungs, complete with more crying [something is moving from the inside trying to escape, what, is still TBD].

I’m writing this, because, well, the writing challenge I committed to, and since I still can’t seem to pull any threads down to earth and into creation, instead i’m writing out the mundane and extraordinary of my day. I’m sure a silly movie about teen love and conflict about the future affected me the way it did for a reason. The why, also TBD. I will say, there were some stealth little life lessons thrown into it, which I always appreciate about these movies.

One part that jumped out at me, was the main character narrating on the question she had for a college essay [would it even be one of these movies without some profound college essay needing to be written??] that she re-worked from “where do you want to be in 5 years” to “who do you want to be”. And as she broke down the qualities of the people she loves the most, one from each of them that in combination she hopes she can be, [which was really heartwarming— yes i’m a sucker for the feels]I couldn’t help but be moved by that question. Who is it that I want to be in 5 years? Or for my reflection sake, who is it that I want to be now; how is it that I want to show up in the world? And since this is what came to me in this moment, writing about my mundane day and random energy releases [tears and singing and general emo vibes], lets do this:

Who do I want to be?

I want to be

a feeling that lingers;

a blanket wrapped around your shoulders on a late autumn afternoon

the sun that gently kisses your cheek

warm and inviting; a moment of pure presence

an always too tight hug,

a breathe of fresh air;

a truth you can’t explain, but know;

a reprieve from the suffocation of the boxes and expectations

*

I want to be

the love that most would consider reckless, [but really is just free];

pleasure and presence embodied;

an example of radical acceptance;

an expression of relentless authenticity;

the one you pull in close

who meets your gaze and doesn’t look away;

and even when you have to go—

the home you always return to.

I want to;

always have the courage to keep moving forward,

with all of my idealism and belief in what can be—

if we choose love, always

to be a reminder

of what humanity in action looks like

[often ridiculous, sorta messy, and also graceful in new and undefined ways]

that we can always lean in and love a little more.

that pain can be a beautiful teacher

and the only deeper grief than heartbreak,

is never being seen, never allowing ourselves to be known;

I want to be an example;

of what living looks like;

a resilient kind of hope;

one of the crazy ones;

unapologetically steeped in truth.

I want to be one that leaves others better than I found them.

That sees the good [the god] in all;

and never loses sight of why it is that we are here.

***

Day 20/28: Lion’s Gate Portal peak today [8/8]. All sorts of wild stuff floating in the ether. This one was a roundabout way of saying— Love and connection is all that I am, and all that I hope to ever be. Also it feels important to note—Leo Season Status: Whooping My Ass. Anyone else out there feeling wrung through the emotional washing machine? It feels like my heart is calling so much to the surface. Venus moving into Cancer yesterday, adding a little extra spice into the mix. There are lessons to be learned, pieces that inevitably will fall into place, but it’s still not yet time. For now, i’ll just keep witnessing the synchronicities, intuitive pulls; reflect on my weird ass dreams and funny messages I receive in all sorts of forms. Patience. Extraordinary in the mundane. Sending love if you are feeling like a walking contradiction this week [or always— I see you]. Thank you for being here with me, especially if you stuck through reading about my Saturday while I tried to figure out what the hell to write about. Until next time ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

she rests // to create

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

⋈

it’s as though it’s right there

on the fringe of conscious awareness

felt; just out of sight

synchronicities piling up

energy spent; portals opening 

pulling at threads

weaving as I go; blind

It’s not time yet

but for now

Hestia calls to me

create the hearth space

sacred temple; home 

preparation for what is coming

I don’t know but I know 

explaining fragments is futile

when it is time

all will be revealed

until then, trust.

***

Day 19/28: Today I feel like a spinning vortex of bits of information; snippets and threads waiting to be pulled and woven together, but without the capacity to sit and weave them into some form.

Plainly put: i’m overstimulated by synchronicities showing up in my consciousness and simultaneously fucking exhausted. And as I have been sitting here trying to get started writing, I pulled a card from the “Earth Warriors Oracle” deck: Card 29. Nana Buluku; “She Rests to Create” and the passage that spoke to me today was this:

“Nanu Buluku is the African Grandmother Creatrix, the supreme feminine creative principle. She created the Universe, then rested. The intersection of rest and extraordinary creative power is repeated in numerous spiritual traditions from varied cultures around the world…”

-Earth Warriors Oracle

I love this invitation of ebb and flow; neither one needing to be forced, but both necessary for the whole of creation. “The intersection of rest and extraordinary creative power” — there are so many themes showing up in my life that I feel inspired to massage into form; lots of goddess meets astrology energy: Vesta + Virgo; Ursa Major and bear symbolism; Mercury + Venus vibes, weird-ass overlaps in actual human beings and the energetic pulls i’m feeling toward them seemingly out of nowhere— all within the context of this big fiery Leo season + lion’s gate portal opening; water, water everywhere [including again, coming through my ceiling earlier this week and rain waking me up throughout the week which is also affecting my energy levels].

And I don’t have it in me to dive in deeper right now and see where the breadcrumbs lead me, so i’m following my trust that it isn’t time, yet.

The medicine here tonight feel like this: Just because information is pouring in through a fire hose right now, doesn’t mean it’s time to drink. Witness. Honor the rhythms of the body. Take inspired action from a grounded place [not manic action from a place of habit or in an attempt to escape the intensity of the moment]. Rest when body says rest. Things are happening beneath the surface that rational mind can neither pick up on or understand, nor may it ever be able to. Trust. Everything is unfolding perfectly.

So with that, I am listening to both my body and the reinforcement of the messages i’m receiving and i’m going to take a bath and re-pot some of my new plant babies before bed. ✌🏽🌱

Have a beautiful weekend, honor your energy and thank you as always for being here with me!

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Card from “Earth Warrior’s Oracle” , Alana Fairchild

—-

no sin in {being}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Pisces

Hear the words of the Divine Virgin, Artemis, Lady of the Beasts:

“You are enough. Wholeness is your birthright, your natural state of being. Obey your instincts, and your true knowledge will lead you back to your wildness, your essential sacred self. Be not afraid to remove your harness and step out of the cage. The cage door has never been locked, only untried. Taste and drink of the freedom that is known to all creatures and which you have lost. Run with me and my nymphs through the forest, knowing the night as your lover, moving in and out of shadows, aglow with silver light. Feel the wind on your bare body, and breathe in the ecstasy of a free woman. To know me is to fully embrace your wild woman self, and from wildness comes all possibilities. Let my spirit move in you like the running deer, without fear.”

-Ruth Barrett, “Women’s Rites, Women’s Mysteries”

***

Today, on Instagram Live, a dear friend and I had a conversation centered around this idea that there is no sin in being human, that these bodies, these beings we are— are an expression of divinity meant to be experienced fully and wholly. I recognize this concept goes against what many have been taught, and even if you were like me, and didn’t grow up in any sort of institutionalized religion, the undertone of shame and our sinful nature is woven into the fibers of our society. And as such it deeply affects how we show up in the world; how we interact with self and those around us.

Why is there so much shame? Why are we taught to inherently be in rejection of vital parts of our beings? Especially as it relates to our sexual nature when this is our actual life force— the creative energy of the universe that is what allows us all to be here. I’m not just talking about the physical act of sex when I say sexual beings/nature. I’m talking about something much deeper, more sacred and ancient than that. I’m talking about the deeply intimate relationship with soul— our connection to God, Divine, Universe, Nature, Source, The Mother [or any and all language that resonates most deeply with you].

Soul as the eternal aspect; the divinity that we embody. What if God created us, these imperfect, messy, beings on purpose? And our “job” for lack of a better term, is to live our unique expression fully and wholly [our ego’s blueprint] based on the truth’s that we came here with— with the lessons to be learned, and experiences to be had? I don’t know the answer… but what if?

What if we were here to attempt to integrate what it means to walk the path of being both human and divine? That there was never meant to be one model of humanity that is the “right” or “good” one, but instead, the highest and most perfect thing we could be, is the most authentic version of self— without judgement or hierarchy and from a love and reverence of self and all living beings.

And what if our walking around, ashamed and in rejection of all of what we are, is precisely what keeps us severed from our connection with the divinity so many are seeking salvation from?

Lot’s of questions, and a few more to come…

What if the point was to awaken to these truths in layers? Hindsight and contrast as a gift to give us context and texture amidst it all. We if we are exactly who we are divinely and innately meant to be. What would we do then, without the shame and the rejection; without the judgement and projection of the inherent wrongness of everything around us?

//

What a slap in the face to this power greater than us [the whole we are a part of], that only wants us to be human— that put us here exactly for that reason—only to witness our rejection of self and thereby other. What must it be like to watch humans from a 20,000 ft view? Trapped in the egoic idea that we are somehow separate, and inherently wrong; unable to witness the beauty in the nuance and experiences that are everywhere around us. I love this passage from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” where she talks about the way that the soul can see the ego but the ego cannot see the soul:

“egoic desire, or craving, thinks that the soul “belongs” to it. And because of this, the ego cannot recognize the soul. It has always haunted me when the soul says, “I saw you. You did not see me.” The soul can see the ego. But the ego can’t recognize the soul: “You mistook the garment I wore for my true self. And you did not recognize me.” The soul is saying here to the ego’s desire, I am not this body, not essentially. I am what exists before the body and after. But if you are only focusing on the body, on the egoic garment I am wearing as a soul, you will not recognize me”

-Meggan Watterson, Mary Magdalene Revealed

The recognition of soul is the way out of the blindness of the ego; awakening to the truth: that we are so much more than these bodies, these emotions and actions and achievements we amass to prove our worthiness.

This idea that we are sinners fallen from grace sets us up from the very beginning, to disconnect from that which would allow us to live divinely— a soul severing occurs. And when we have lost that feeling of connection to that force of energy greater than the sum of it’s parts, that thread which connects us all, we are lost.

And lost we are. As a society; we are missing the humanity of it all. We are missing it. We are too deeply steeped in shame and fear to recognize that the paradise we are striving so hard to be good enough for, is right here. In this moment. This moment. For us to experience. This is all that we have, this is all that we are. This is where the magic is. And we are missing it in our incessant busyness and striving to achieve in order to prove we really are worth it after all. And we are missing it. It’s never been out there. It’s always been right here, right now. In this moment. Within you.

So, what if we did something revolutionary, and just accepted ourselves fully, wholly?

What if we embraced the unique expression we were brought here to be, and just lived that to our fullest capacity— with love and reverence and radical acceptance? This goes far past any conversations about the physical flesh meat suits we are all walking around in. It is about a deeper appreciation of our being that can be expressed through these bodies we possess. This is the gift of our flesh. We have been given this beautiful home, to house and experience the infinite, all. Divinity embodied.

//

There is a marked difference in how I move and relate with the world around me as I deepen into my own embodiment; my own reclamation of soul as a vital aspect of my awakening journey. As I face and shed the shame and the stories of my presence as something to be redeemed. The more I find the sacred space within my being, the more love I can express through my body, in my words, in my open body language— in the way I am able to embrace others unconditionally— that creates a safe place for them to take off their masks and armor; that empowers them to be themselves, free from the weight of judgements and shame and stories about inherent unworthiness. My embodiment, and unapologetic deepening and enjoying of the nuances and sensations in my body, learning to stay with me through intensities like pain and pleasure; learning to sit in those tensions, tells self: “I trust you, I see you, I can witness you without looking away; i’m here with you, for you”. That level of acceptance is a radical act amidst a sea of rejection, and it translates into my ability to receive others at the same depths. And, as within, so without.

Acceptance: the space where true authentic connection is birthed.

The space where soul witnesses soul: a mirroring of divinity that is felt. It’s not some checklist of traits, it’s a knowing, a recognition. It’s a different type of “seeing”. And when we desire true intimacy— deep nourishing experiences in love— I believe this is the way to that place.

Because I am able to see me, I can see you. And when I am in acceptance of the perfection of my humanity, the messiness, the beauty and the chaos— I don’t need you to be anything other than exactly the unique expression of divinity embodied that you are. I can witness that, without fear or threat— I can hold space for it. Because I know that I am whole unto self, I don’t need you to be anything other than all that is you. And that is the most beautiful thing of all. There is a freedom, a liberation in this type of recognition and acceptance. This to me is the grace that makes this thing we call being human worth it [and quite possibly what gives me the resolve to keep being some days]. We are divinity embodied. We are here to experience the full spectrum.

In love. For love. With love.

***

Day 18/28: How often do you truly enjoy your body? Touch yourself in a loving and curious way, and not in an outcome driven sort of way, but just for the sake of savoring the nuances, the edges and curves; the bumps and bruises and scars? Appreciating the sum of the parts that make you whole. How do you hold space and witness the spectrum of beings around you? Can you see the art and beauty in all?

When I was in Berlin two years ago, was when I realized how much body shame I carried, how uncomfortable I was with myself as a sexual being and the space I occupied as such. This was made intensely clear when an exercise we did during a workshop that went something like this: as we wandered around the room [both men and women participants] we were to playfully say “yes” or “no” with our hips when we came to a halt in front of any person, looking them in the eyes, and then moving on to the next person— this was supposed to be without attachment and a way to express through our bodies. A “no” looked like shifting the hips left-to-right and a”yes” looked a bit like a pelvic thrust, forward and backward. And how did I do with this? I literally froze. And then proceeded to have a panic attack/emotional meltdown. Yes, an actual panic attack where I had to remove myself from the group and sit down because the level of anxiety around my sacral energy, my life force— and the idea of speaking that to anyone else, felt dangerous to my nervous system. So much shame and fear around expressing from that space, as a woman, freely. So much worry in how I would be received and the expectations that I realized I carried around as my own in response to how the world has assigned my value as a sexual object for the desires of men. Yea, that shit got real, fast. Not one of my favorite experiences ever, but a profound recognition of how powerful shame can be.

So to witness myself now, and how much more open and free I am in my expression; in ownership of the space I occupy and without shame of my being, is profound and brings a huge smile to my face. I love the moments when I take time to just enjoy myself, whether that is looking myself in the eye in the mirror, or watching myself as I explore the edges of how my body moves to the rhythm of whatever music is playing in the background. Learning to sit with the intensity of pleasure as I explore my actual sexual energy and noticing where I still have a hard time staying with myself in those intimate times. It’s a journey of radical acceptance and patience and unconditional love. Leaning in where I want to escape and injecting large doses of curiosity and kindness into every space as I continue coming home…

Today is a reflection on a really juicy/messy/complicated and often charged concept. It is absolutely incomplete, but as so many of my explorations, just pulling at the threads that find their way into my consciousness. As always, thank you for joining me on this journey. If any of this was challenging for you, I see you. I’m not here to judge your beliefs, but instead, am always attempting to share what i’m learning and exploring the edges of. So it’s an invitation to play and ask questions. If something jumps out at you, you can always dig a little deeper. And whatever doesn’t spark any juice from within, you can leave it right here. Tune into your truth and decide from that space what is for you and what is not. You know what is best for you. If you have any questions or reflections for me, I would love to hear them. You can email me info@nicolettebernardes.com or comment below.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

embodied // love

Waning Gibbous Moon in Pisces

Back in my body

Unbound;

divine shines through

My temple is sacred and filled with pleasures

Not the shame you told me I had to wear

Source of divine power

Life force flows

Sacral wisdom houses every lesson

Soul reclamation

Already within your reach

Turn around.

Come home.

***

Reflecting today on being in the body; being embodied in love. Sometimes it amazes me to witness how much wisdom is already within us, is always with us, whether we tap into it or not. And how quickly so many shifts can occur, when we have safe spaces to reflect curiously within our very being [instead of with judgement and condemnation].

The thing about a love that reaches down to you very depths and steals the breath from your lungs in the most glorious of ways, is that you can never forget it; once you’ve been in proximity to it. Tapping into divine; truth. Once you’ve felt that which is everything in a moment, you can’t just show up for anything any longer. The contrast is too glaring. And that love assigned outward onto some other— that you are recognizing in them— is really just the reflection of your love. The divine energy that is already and always has been within you. Sometimes it takes the glare of a light so penetrating— that love emanating from another reflected back at you— to see how truly magnificent you already are. And that’s the power of Love. It cracks through the toughest exteriors and exposes the truth that we know [in our soul] but have forgotten.

We have everything within us already to be whole, thriving beings. It is the journey of a lifetime to excavate that which gets buried by life. A heroic journey at that. The power we possess, frankly can be terrifying to begin to unlock and learn how to sit with, because it’s so real, so visceral at times, that it’s hard to imagine being able to harness all of that juice. There is a fear, that we will be consumed by it; that we will do harm with all that power. And often times we need a reflection separate from us, a mirror of that power in action from a place of the highest good, which is always from Love, in order to feel safe enough, trusting enough to begin dipping our toe into the shallow end of our own being. To journey toward acceptance and reverence.

We have to start outside of self sometimes, to gather the courage to go inward. And that’s ok, but I just want to remind you today, that the love, the brilliance, the beauty, that you so easily can spot outside of you, is and always has been a reflection of that which you recognize within. You have everything within to be the all you were designed to be.

You are that love.

***

Soul crying out in the spaces the body has kept score

to be seen and held is the heart’s deepest desire; bear witness

Just be; curious.

There is nothing to figure out.

All will be revealed in due time

Learning the language of acceptance; trust

Holding space for the unloveable

Making love to the not-beautiful

Deep embrace and reverence for the unfolding

attachments to an identify

created in rejection of humanity

projections of fear perpetuated by a man-made world

this is what binds us

separated from the true

liberation for reconciliation

Death to the dialogue of our inherent sin

Freedom from the illusion that we were ever separate.

//

Day 17/28: I want to close out today by giving a shoutout to my brave and beautiful clients that are my accountability and constant contacts with grace; that trust me with their truth, that give me the great honor of bearing witness to their becoming. To be in the presence of that sort of love and courage so often, is a gift. I am constantly learning from each of you, and being reminded of the beauty in authentic humanity. I come home more to myself, every time you step into my space. Thank you for being a part of my journey in this life.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

what really {matters}

Waning Gibbous in Pisces

Day 16/28: “And at the end of my brief splash in the ocean of infinity, if I have loved fully and deeply; shared that energy— the love and connection that is all I am— with the world; if I allowed myself to be loved deeply and fully in return, then that would be enough. I don’t need anyone to remember my name, I don’t need to be accomplished in anything other than having allowed myself to feel the connection to source— and all that’s in its reflection— intensely, within the container of love.”

Those words came through me about a year ago, after a particularly “in outer space” kind of flow writing session. One of my favorite kinds that I can’t type quickly enough to capture whatever was moving through me as I just unleashed without thinking. It was one of those divine moments where I know I wasn’t “doing” I was just pouring out. And what came out was bizarre and esoteric and silly and layered. It was a weaving— sort of what i’ve been attempting during this challenge these past few weeks in taking the different themes and signs that were in my present consciousness and twisting them together into a little story, an experience of a waking dream within a dream sequence…

Anyway, as I sit here in this moment, exhausted after barely sleeping last night and willing myself to just quickly get today’s post done, I was reflecting on the gratitude I am feeling in this moment. A few hours ago a friend sent me a heartfelt message affirming the value of my presence in his life and for who I am as a person. And as it stabbed me [in the best kind of way] right in the heart, I was stopped in my tracks, as I am from time to time and reminded of what really matters [this feels like one of those grace moments]. His message was in response to the incessant insanity of what has been happening in our world, and in an urgency of, “we just don’t know what tomorrow will bring”, he took the time to let me know my presence mattered to him. Nothing like collective tragedy to bring us back down to earth, here and now.

And it got me thinking, in this time, now August of 2020 which undoubtedly will go down as the wildest year of many of our lifetimes—as the world is coming apart at the seams, and as so many things we believed to be absolutes, begin to crumble—there is an opportunity to reflect on what matters. If this moment is all that we have, how are you spending it? How present are you to all that is available to you? How aware are you of the abundance all around and within you?

If it were to all end tomorrow, and you had a moment to reflect on how you chose to be in this life— would you be able to say you truly lived— like heart on overflow kind of vibes— or would you pass on feeling like there was more that it could have been?

This was the thought process I went through just a few minutes ago— as I allowed the gratitude for this special person in my life and the gift he gave me in affirming my presence pour into me— that brought to mind the closing lines I wrote in that flow a year ago, that essentially sums it all up for me:

“And at the end of my brief splash in the ocean of infinity, if I have loved fully and deeply; shared that energy — the love and connection that is all I am— with the world; if I allowed myself to be loved deeply and fully in return, then that would be enough. I don’t need anyone to remember my name, I don’t need to be accomplished in anything other than having allowed myself to feel the connection to source— and all that’s in its reflection— intensely, within the container of love.”

Love and connection. Deep, nourishing relationships built on truth and a witnessing of the authentic reflection of other. Pulling back the layers of what it means to be human and divine— whole; pushing the boundaries of what is known and leaning harder into trust and surrendering into the unseen yet felt. That’s what matters to me. Getting messages of gratitude, not for what i’ve done but for who I am, for how I show up, for how I leave people— how they feel in my presence. Sharing that same love with those who impact me in a similar way. Giving and receiving love freely and without conditions. That is what it’s all about for me. And it’s something I know I can lean more into and be more intentional around, more often. I, like most of us, get caught up in the intense pace and chaos and forget to just be, but this was another one of those reminders:

this moment is all we have.

And if my life were to end tomorrow, or next week, or next year, the measure of success for me, will be how deeply I allowed myself to experience this life, on my terms, with love, compassion and an intention to see myself and others as clearly as is possible. To be love and loved. Unapologetically, unfiltered and unguarded.

We all have the right to choose what it is that is significant, what matters to us individually. This is mine, and I will invite you to reflect on what that is for you. And if there is a void, an absence of whatever it is, it may be worthwhile to set an intention to pivot, and call more of what you want in. To be open to more of what lights your heart up and fills you with love to be in more of your moments. Because as 2020 is humbly revealing to us with a sledge hammer, we don’t know what next year, let alone the next 24 hours will bring. Be here now and do what matters.

This is what is on my heart tonight that wanted to come through. Thank you for every single beautiful human in my life that receives me as I am. For those who have seen me before I was even able to see myself, and those that continue to show me through example what it means to live authentically and the power of love shared. Thank you to those that encourage and challenge me to step more into my fullness and remind me of who I am, when I conveniently forget ;). I love you more than I could ever express with words.

You make my life more full. You are what is significant to me. [side note: i’m also grateful that the little prayer that went up to my guides tonight to help make this expression flow so I could get to bed, delivered]. I will go to sleep tonight with a smile and a full heart, because I am so immensely blessed; abundance in the form of beautiful souls I have found my way back to in this crazy life.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

-Maya Angelou

love {in} my life

Full Moon in Aquarius

⬩

An intriguing prospect. A desire to dive in deeper. Explore a bit. I imagine what it may be like to feel your hands on my body. To hold your hand. A curious meeting. One of those funny stories, years ago. Before. Before it all unfolded and I became me. But I found myself drawn to you then. And now. A chance encounter. Yet I don’t believe in coincidence. Curious timing for sure. How many more of these am I going to experience before the pattern runs out? What is the animation here all about? Still a signal of hiding, or is there something yet but meant to be explored?

[This little stream of consciousness is where I started today… so I suppose I’m going to flow on love a bit and where i’m at with it these days… I’m typing this after i’ve written everything below and starting to feel slightly nauseous at a few of the things i’m actually going to share “out loud”… but it’s what came out of me today, so i’m going to go ahead and honor it. Love is a journey, this is a bit about mine; where I have been and where I am presently, and setting intentions for where i’m open to exploring next ;).]

***

I have been single now for the better part of three years. There have been a few men come into and out of my life, some incredibly significant, but none for more than a few months at a time. Not since before I began my awakening journey [and by began I mean I was sort of kicked in the face by circumstance and then tumbled down into a whole new world as a result 😅]. My journey home, began as a result of recognition of how poorly I was loving myself, and what had unfolded prior to that moment, was severe enough, that I was finally seeing that something had to change. I was ready to do something different. It was also a big reckoning, facing how I was allowing men into my life that hurt me, that couldn’t authentically love me or see me; partly because they weren’t grounded in themselves, and partly because I wasn’t grounded or in a particularly loving relationship with myself. I didn’t really know who I was at an intimate level.

And where I started from, was a numb and dissociated place. I had been totally disconnected from my body for most of my life, but it had reached never levels after the relationship I had been in took me to some places that I just couldn’t handle. It was too much. So when that relationship ended, in February of 2017, I didn’t feel— couldn’t feel anything really. Too much had happened. All I knew was that the plan I had made, the moves I had made in alignment with that version of myself, were blown to shreds and I had to come up with a new plan; I had to find a new me, but the old me had to die before I could do anything else…

And i’ve been burning down and rebuilding ever since.

I’ve done a lot of work around clearing out the barriers, the stories and beliefs and fears; the trauma around experiences from my past. For example, it wasn’t until an experience with a partner—where I actually felt safe enough with him to rest into the space and be present with myself— that I recognized in contrast how unsafe [emotionally] I had felt in so many other experiences of intimacy before him. [That one in particular led me down a deep rabbit hole I’m still exploring]. And it’s threads of awareness like that, that I have spent a lot of time witnessing and reflecting on. Myself and how I show up; what I have expected of men and from love. What transactional give and take I thought was love and partnership. The power struggles we witness and learn to engage in that don’t actually feel good to anyone, but are so prevalent in most interactions that we don’t know there is any other way, and often don’t even recognize why we are always feeling lack and defensiveness or just depleted by relationships. Breaking down the misinformation and finding what is true for me, and the love I want to show up for and participate in.

Witnessing my attachments to how someone showed up for me and the way in which I would latch onto those who were only capable of providing scraps; scraps that I accepted out of some deeper unconscious fear that it was all I was ever going to get. Out of fear that nobody would every really see me [all of me], and not just love me, but stay and build and grow with me. And accepting the scraps as reinforcement of my inherent unworthiness, a way to prove that I was right about myself all along; to hurt myself. Yuck. It never feels awesome to acknowledge these cycles and patterns, but these are the stories and experiences I have witnessed that were driving so much of my behaviors and reactions, and they are important for me to keep a pulse on, so that I know when fear is creeping in. When the instinctual urge to armor up and run away or latch onto someone comes on, I can notice it as an indicator for me that i’m feeling threatened and a beautiful opportunity for me to pause and notice what it is that i’m thinking about—and to discern whether something is actually wrong in the moment [my intuition speaking to me], or if i’m just assimilating from some past experience.

One experience, one present moment at a time…

There was a lot of gunk in the way of me seeing myself clearly. As is life and the case for most of us. And as a result, I was hiding myself in so many ways I could never see clearly. Unavailable is a pattern I recognized I was playing out over and over and over again. I was constantly attracted to men that weren’t able or willing to show up for me. Even the ones who I knew and know love me deeply, still cannot meet for more than short bits of time. And that isn’t about me, but I have accepted it because that was the only sort of love I had experienced from men in my life— those who loved me the best that they could, but were never taught themselves how to love and thereby held me at arms length or attempted to manage and control me for their comfort. I see now how I internalized that, made it about me and my shortcomings, or my “too muchness”, and time and again, invited those sort of men into my space energetically as it was the level of love I was familiar with, even if it wasn’t nourishing, or didn’t feel particularly safe. I wasn’t sure that anything better would come along…

It was comfortable— even if it kept me striving and attached and always chasing, trying to be enough and not too much all at the same time, so that they would stay. So they wouldn’t leave me. So I wouldn’t be alone.

And then there is this truth:

Unavailable was/is also safe, because it will never require me to have to deepen and hit the layers that soul shaking love has a tendency to rip open when standing in front of the mirror of other. I chose [still on some level choose] unavailable men, because I can blame them when they leave— whatever their reason, even when I know now that it isn’t really about me— and I get to stay safe in my little hiding place. With all my theories and ideas. With all my awareness. That last little corner of coping— where little me hides out and holds onto with a tight grasp— as it is my last line of defense against the inevitable death that fear says will come if I let someone shine light in that space; if they stay long enough to expose my hiding space. And yes, i’m calling myself the out, because well, maybe it’s part full moon energy, and maybe because i’m really finally ready to dive into new depths, a new chapter. Shedding old barriers to come home deeper. It’s time. My ego will never be ready for it, [it sort of hates me for writing this], but I can feel it in my bones that it’s precisely what I need. An undressing that has nothing to do with clothes, but is a far more intimate and exposed kind of naked..

I have chosen to face that pattern down, and day by day explore what it is I have believed about myself on an unconscious level; and in the awareness, I have gone about the work of changing my behaviors and the way I show up in potential intimate relationships. Being less judgmental and more loving toward myself for choices I made in the past, and speaking shame out loud so it doesn’t own me any longer— so I can be in my truth. And I have learned a lot. I see a lot. And it’s been a humbling, challenging and beautiful path to really come home to myself and develop a reverence for this big, big love I possess. This love that I have always wanted to share with others, but never really knew how.

It’s also been a path to reclaiming pleasure— learning how to witness and feel and open myself to exploring it. Through learning to sit with the intensity my own and not escaping out of my body; acknowledging what it is that I desire and that there is no shame in my having desires; reclaiming my body as a sacred space to be witnessed and experienced and revered— not for a man’s entertainment or ego—and learning to separate a familiar union of love and grief constantly existing simultaneously where it need not. And so much more I don’t have the time to explore today. Through this, i’ve also come to understand what at the core it is that I want from a partner, if I am to step into that arena with a man. The kind of partnership I desire…

And the main requirement [don’t love that word, but can’t think of another more fitting at the moment], is that if you want to step into my space… if you want to know me and experience me [in every sense of the word] then you must be able to witness and hold space for yourself. You have to be able to be present with and take responsibility for your being, in order to be invited into my inner sanctum; my sacred space. [Or at the very least, be ready to do the work to clear out all the barriers to self that currently don’t allow you to see you].

And why is this a “rule”?

Simple. I crave depth; it’s where I live, so surface transactions are never satisfying to me. And the most nourishing and pleasurable thing I have experienced in the presence of a man, is that recognition that he is able to hold me, not just in his arms, but he can hold the intensity of my being, with a love and reverence. He can witness me in my everything. And not just witness, but appreciate and empower it. He has to be a man that desires growth, and is ready [as one ever is] to be seen in his truth. Not necessarily without fear or insecurity, as we are all human and feel fear and insecurity, but a willingness and courage to stand in the discomfort of that vulnerability. Simple and not easy. This I know. I also know, that this way of being is not for everyone. And thats ok, no judgement. This is the space that I feel the safest and have the capacity to deepen even further into areas unexplored within self. This is how trust and thereby intimacy has a chance to be built.

And the way we can clearly see and feel true, authentic connection, to know what is “for” us and what is not, is through that same presence and awareness of self— a knowledge of what our individual needs are, what our non-negotiables are, and thereby allows a freedom to step into a space with other and honor self and communicate clearly what is ok, what isn’t; making a decision from that clear and present place whether we are a good fit or not. Creating space for less attachment and ego and more authentic connection.

Another “why” I realized through experience, was that there is nothing that feels more lonely, than physically being in the presence of someone, who is so stuck in the stories of their past and their future— their projections and fear and insecurities— that they cannot be in the room with me. I have had a few experiences like that, one in particular comes to mind where I felt how my body literally felt like I was in danger, nauseous even, when I had a mans arms wrapped around me that was stuck in his own inner dialogue. He wasn’t actually dangerous, he was a lovely, caring and warm human being. And he was physically here, but he couldn’t see or witness me. And it felt awful. And that is why it’s so important, because I know that a body next to me, not only “doesn’t do it for me”, but it literally leaves me feeling hungover. [Trust i’ve tested this out and tried to convince myself I could compromise on it and learned my lesson. Energetic hangovers are a real thing. Yuck.]

I used to hold this attachment to the idea that I needed that masculine counterpart to be my safe place and without that I had no place I could put down the weight and just be, and I was wrong about that. That was actually an exhausting and disempowering belief. I had to heal my own wounds around my masculine energy, and learn to be intentional and follow through and hold space for my own feminine energy. Within me. Wholly. I had to find my sacred safe space within that I can access at any point. And I’m still doing the work with that, but just in recognizing and cultivating that has been a game changer.

[This is also a work in progress, as is any of this— there are always deeper depths and higher heights to reach if we choose to lean in.]

The realization that I had to make the space within me safe first, without anyone else and have a symbiotic relationship with my own energies has allowed me to step into a space with a man, without the attachment and neediness of him staying for me to be able to rest easy.

And in that recognition and separation of expectation and responsibility, I can be a clearer more open and receptive version of myself; can give other more space to breathe without the weight of my expectations hitting him like a ton of bricks. And I can acknowledge, that while I do absolutely miss having a man in my company, being held and touched and just resting and deepening in an intimate way with other, I am still whole without that. I can miss physical contact and intimacy and not feel empty or lacking without it. Thereby I don’t find myself contorting or compromising on my integrity— what feels nourishing and healthy and safe for me— for the sake of companionship. There is a liberation in this space.

And as it has become a bit of a mantra of mine: as within, so without.

I can hold space for all of me, and can do the same for other. That’s what i’m bringing to the table— all of me and full acceptance of other. So if i’m going to allow a man into my physical space, my body, my heart; if i’m going to pour into him, and give of myself, he has to have the capacity to both witness and receive; to sit with the tension and intensity of his own depths; of his own nuances and intensities— his own humanity— in order to do the same for all that comes along with me. He has to meet himself in order to meet me, in love.

When one can’t hold the space for self, then there will always be a barrier to how deeply they can meet another. And my days of metaphorically screaming to be seen and heard and understood are over. As are my days of twisting myself in knots or stifling my fullness to make others more comfortable. Anyone being less than everything that they are, especially when driven by fear, does the world a disservice. I’m not here for that.

So where am I in this moment?

I am open. I am calling that man into my space. One who is ready meet me. And when he shows up, there isn’t a series of tests to be passed or some obstacle course he must go through. It’s simple. Presence and ability to take ownership of what is his to manage and the ability to sit with himself [projection and self-escape I am not here for]. Boundaries go both ways, and are a beautiful thing to be honored. I know what is ok with me and what isn’t and I will gladly share that up front and hold space for and respect boundaries in other. And hold compassionate space for myself and other as we stumble through this thing called relationship and intimacy. Communication and kindness and an openness to be messy and human and unsure and learn and grow together; called up in love. Open and curious to see what can unfold from that foundation…That’s where I am and where I want to be.

***

Day 15/28: Wow, I’m over the halfway mark with this writing challenge, and this one was a lot more than I ever expected to come out in one evening. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me on this marathon. But here we are. I have spent a lot of time attempting to write about love and intimacy and where i’m at with it in the past, and it has always just sort of felt stuck; I wasn’t able to go there with myself. So it’s a bit uncomfortable putting it out there, where I have been, who I have been, but more so who I am now and stating what it is that I want. There is resistance in expressing it, but it’s about that time, so yea. This is incomplete as so many expressions are and always will be, and as it relates to everything I said around what I desire, the harder things to describe are around attraction, as there are subtleties, as it relates to attraction that I can’t explain, it’s either there or it’s not. I either feel called to lean in and let go or don’t and I know pretty quickly. My body tells me clearly. And part of this clearing out process is so that when myself and another step into the arena and meet one another to see what can grow from that initial spark...we can do so from a place of individual truth, and thereby can honor self first and then decide to keep leaning in from there if it is in alignment with that self truth.

And {full transparency}: I haven’t met many men in general in the last few years as i’ve been doing my own inner work, especially not that the spark of attraction is there, and even less that I’ve gotten the opportunity to lean into the discomfort of putting all these abstract and solo recognitions into action… so the hardest part for me is that I’m a 35 year old woman, experiencing like a 14 year old all over again, just beginning to explore relationship and what that means, because I’m doing something familiar from a totally different paradigm and different version of myself than I’ve done it for the last 20 years of my life; so while I know what I want, i’m still awkward AF when something promising steps into my space. Oh the humbling lessons in being human; growth is fun [*insert playful eye roll here*].

Thank you again if you’ve made it this far today, and especially if you’ve been tuning in every day to see what sort of madness comes tumbling out of me. I appreciate you and sending you so much love and energy on this big full moon evening.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

it’s just {here}

[almost]Full Moon in Aquarius

How is your heart today sweet, beautiful human? 

My heart hurts. Like the literal space in the area of my physical heart. There is a tension, almost a bruised feeling when I press into the physical surface covering my chest cavity. So it’s visceral, in my physical body, but I know it’s something deeper. It’s as though something is rising to the surface and trying to break its way through my sternum...wanting to break me, open... [oh hey 👋🏼 heart chakra, how you doing in there?]

I know this feeling, this pressure. I’ve been here before. And while I don’t know what is trying to come through at this moment, I know that because I can feel it, it’s asking for my love and tenderness. It’s asking to be witnessed. So I’m going to do just that.

I’m sitting this evening, holding hands with my heart, letting her know i’m here to hold space as she processes whatever energy/emotion/story that’s been trapped under some energetic boulder and is ready to be free. No judgement, no attachment, no agenda. Just being... moving and feeling; allowing. And as the theme of water has popped up into my consciousness every day this week, multiple times... a little breath of surrender into these spaces, even though I don’t “know” what specifically is being moved, trusting I’m being led and that it will guide me exactly to the place I’m meant to go next.

What it’s calling to mind in this moment is a reflection piece I wrote before and after an intense release I had a few months back while visiting a dear sweet sister friend... a day where it literally felt like some gremlin was clawing it’s way out of me, scratching and tearing it’s way to freedom. That shit was intense and viscerally + emotionally painful… this is different, but familiar [I’ll share that journal entry in a separate post since it came up and i’m now feeling called to].

Nothing specifically is “happening” that has catalyzed this feeling, it’s just here. And in my presence and reverence of self, I’m learning day by day, how to listen and hold space for and less time trying to “figure out” what is happening. Because when it’s time for me to know [if it’s time for me to know] then I will know. Until then; I experience. I practice sitting with all the various intensities of emotions and visceral experiences that this body is capable of sharing with me.

A conditioning process of being with the intensity of being.

Trusting in the nudges and body-wisdom that my rational mind will likely never understand. Continuing to learn the nuanced rhythms and messages of my inner knowing. I actually love these present moments with self. When I am able to witness myself in a moment and just be with it. Even when physically i’m feeling a discomfort like today. Especially when I don’t know what the flip is happening inside of me. This feeling of trust that nothing is “wrong” and the freedom that comes from letting go of needing to know, reminds me of how far I have come on this wild journey…what a blessing it is to witness all of me, for me.

***

Do you have physical pains in your body?

Do you ever stop to wonder what messages they are trying to share with you? Our emotions and our physiology are so deeply intertwined and when something it out of balance energetically the body will let you know what it needs and when it needs it. It’s in our capacity and our responsibility [and great opportunity] to learn the language, to learn to read the map, so that we can follow the trail of breadcrumbs being left for us. You have the capacity to heal. That powerful capacity— is within you. And yes, while sometimes we need outside intervention to support our healing, it is your resourcefulness and willingness to follow to where you are being led [to find the sources of support] that will guide you back to the balance, the alignment that is what our beings desire for optimal health; that will bring you back to you—physically, emotionally and spiritually. Whole self integration. It’s all within you.

***

Day 14/28: Sitting with me. Body is absolutely exhausted and has been for the better part of a week, and just doing my best to honor it and move with the energy and not fight against it. I haven’t mentioned this much, because these writings are coming out in flow on a day to day basis and i’m usually just scraping by to get them finished before I fall asleep, but if you have any questions for me, any comments about anything you have read to this point, [or anything in general that is on your heart] I am always open and would love to receive. My email is info@nicolettebernardes.com or you can comment below. Sending so much sweet, juicy love your way, I hope your heart is well, and I’m so happy to have you here— however and wherever you are coming from.❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{kali}vibes

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Capricorn.

Day 13/28: I don’t have much to say today. I’m feeling an intensity within that wants to explode out of me. Some major Kali vibes rolling through me in waves. Imagery of one of her many arms, holding the severed head, the head of ego— dripping blood.

For those of you who don’t know about Kali, and are slightly alarmed at the picture i’m painting with words, don’t be alarmed it’s all metaphorical. Kali is the great liberator. She will stop at nothing to give you your everything. And the severed head in this case, represents the unintegrated ego that she is coming to free you from [see image below].

“Samhara Kali” by Raja Ravi Varma

When she shows up, it’s generally not gentle, but it’s for you— for she will burn your ego to the ground, rip off your head, gut you— but again, it’s all to liberate you—from the trappings of the ego, to clear space for the true you to take center stage…

So it’s a metaphorical rage moving me at the moment. A resentment of the blockages that exist in the collective [and likely still within me which is why i’m feeling it so intensely and with so much judgement] around the capacity to unlock and harness our deeply innate and powerful creative life force energy— and express it fully into the world. And the wounded ego— what is meant to be the expanding container to hold life force, to be the strong and loving boundaries that gives the feminine energy form and direction as it blossoms and grows and intensifies—instead shies away from or tries to wrap it’s hands around the neck of this beautifully potent life force energy in an attempt to manage or control it.

It just can’t handle the presence of all that juicy divine energy.

And I feel a sense of suffocation when I find myself tapped into these energies. I feel angry and resentful. At all the representations in my life that show me through actions that they are too afraid to surrender to the depths; too tied to the trappings of ego to take the journey inward— with presence and intention— through the deep dark metaphorical woods for the freedom they seek. A lot of Peter Pan’s dressing in Kingly robes with no true intention to lead and a rejection of taking responsibility. And I have no patience for it.

And because I am in this moment finding myself projecting outwards and assigning blame to these physical representations of the wounded masculine I have experienced —it’s a sure sign I need to take this time to go within and sit with myself a bit; to witness what is trying to be seen and felt and moved within me. Noticing where there is resistance and rigidity and breathing in a bit of release and ease where I can manage; curiously noticing where I am avoiding taking true responsibility and maybe not trusting my capacity to hold space for this much intensity—this much juice— that is unlocking and I can viscerally feel flowing through me at the moment…witnessing where my own wounding may be trying to get my attention because it’s just about time for me to deal with it.

So yea, I’m going to go be with myself a bit and meditate on that. I hope wherever you are, you are holding loving space and awareness for self. And if by some synchronistic connection you are feeling some of this intensity rolling through you… I see you. Take a breath and before you go and project it onto the world around you, pause and ask “is this in my highest good in this moment?” trust the answer from within and do what feels truest for you. I know my reactions are not in my highest at the moment, so I’m going into a lovingly self-imposed time out 😂.

Have a beautiful evening!

With gratitude and always LOVE,

when fear has lost it’s {voice}

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Capricorn

“Silence” to me means the calm quiet that comes when fear has lost it’s voice”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

…when fear has lost it’s voice.

Ohhhh that line, sends a shiver throughout my body. The imagery it brings up: Fear as a being with laryngitis—losing its ability to speak vile, hateful, destructive rhetoric out into the world. Can you call up a person to mind, that you imagine that if they were just unable to speak anymore, would leave you feeling the urge to take one of those deep, relaxing and nourishing breaths in and then let it alllllll the way out? As in, you would finally able to relax into the spaces you occupy?

Now what if the potential to find that level of peace, is not dependent upon someone or something from the outside shifting or shutting up? What if it was fully and wholly accessible within you? What if it isn’t really about that person, that group of people “out there”?

Play along with me here if you will…

What if “they” are just a mirror, inviting you to witness a story, an emotion, or a belief you carry and hold onto within, and your reaction to their presence— your judgements or repulsion of their way of being for example— is an indicator of a space where some fear or shame resides within? Or at the very least an area thats ready to have some light shined onto it; to be called up into awareness. What if, it were a neon arrow— your reaction that is— attempting to serve you information about you on a silver platter; trying to guide you back to a certain truth? Trying to guide you back to you— your power place, your life force: back to soul.

Could you entertain that possibility? Could you be curious instead of indignant? Do you want to reject that instinctually [these questions i’m asking, the perspective i’m inviting you to reflect on]?

And if so, perfect. And, why?

I ask these questions, not because of any attachment to you buying into my thought processes, but as a curiosity: of what may shift in our collective reality if we changed our point of focus; if we shifted our beliefs— began viewing power as an absolute source accessible to all, from within— that there was no scarcity but instead enough [space, resources, time] for all… I truly wonder what would be different if we all had the internal space to take this on as a mindset and approach, and/or what would stay exactly the same.

I really don’t know, but I’m curious.

And for the record, i’m not saying that societal structures — patriarchy, systemic racism, white supremacy to name a few— don’t exist as a roadblock to our personal sovereignty and safety. They absolutely are real and affect many aspects of our lives, especially how we relate to and with the world.

What i’m inviting us to “try on” for a moment [if possible and for those that have that emotional desire and capacity], and again, out of curiosity, is a shift in our point of focus. Shifting the amount of energy going outward to the system, thing or person. Just for a few minutes let your imagination wander a bit… what if everything we [humanity as a whole] have ever needed to be whole, empowered, loving and compassionate beings has always been within us, never outside of us as we’ve been conditioned to view it?

And if we could shift our point of focus inward to what we have control over—how we show up, how we react— what might be different in our reality; or how might we relate to our outer world in a very different way?

My reflections come from a foundational belief that we are esteemed from within; our power comes from our connection to the divine that is within; — and that is a power nobody can ever take from us, it’s ours to harness; one that we can only ever give away or feel disconnected from— but regardless it’s always there when we are ready for it. And that what we choose [consciously or unconsciously] to focus on, speak on, attach ourselves to, has the power to affect/create our reality.

We are that powerful. And just as we can create from a place of fear and scarcity, so do we have the power to create from an empowered space, a space of love and truth and abundance.

And there are absolutely roadblocks that make this not as simple as how i’m stating it, I recognize this. Things like being in a state of chronic “fight or flight” [defense] mode as a result of, for example, generations of systemic oppression that have wired our nervous systems to be on high alert, operating from survival mode which doesn’t leave much room for things like higher consciousness and thriving; it just leaves us fighting for survival. So I get this isn’t a “snap my fingers” and poof— everything is magically different— but what if we could be open to it being different?

I deeply believe we all have the capacity to find that space. It’s not impossible, despite what has transpired in the past to lead you to where you are now. It requires a courage and taking the risk of tapping into some dark spaces, to begin to clear out and reset what has been. And for some, it’s a deeper, darker, longer road; a more exposed and dangerous road. Because at the physical level it’s an overhaul, rewiring of the way we relate to the world. But not an impossible journey.

What if we were simply open to risking the vulnerability of it being possible…what potential is on the other side of that unknown?

***

“When fear has lost it’s voice…”

There is a power in the simplicity of this statement. Fear is one of the most powerful motivators there is, as it goes hand in hand with our survival instinct. And when fear runs rampant, unchecked without any conscious awareness, it is both dangerous and often times is telling us stories that aren’t true. To be blunt, fear often times is a liar as it doesn’t know how to discern true danger from emotional discomfort. Our role as we evolve and grow is to learn the language of this discernment, to bring awareness to the moments when it arises and choose what is true and from there decide how to respond.

To be human means to be vulnerable. We cannot escape that reality. And fear has the most power over us— the most potency and potential as a destructive force— when we are in an unconscious state of this inherent vulnerability. Which is another way of saying: being human, unconsciously. We are dangerous when swimming in this natural state of existence from a lack of awareness and presence; disconnected from self and most destructively, disconnected from soul.

Being human isn’t the problem. Fear isn’t the problem. But perpetuating a rejection of our whole humanity; remaining in a low state of awareness and presence and allowing fear to be in the drivers seat as it relates to our behaviors and reactions— thats a problem.

Fear is highly contagious, it’s easy to amplify and is a powerful motivating force. It’s how we harness it that determines the effect it has. Do we escape the discomfort and intensity of the reaction in our body and project it out; blindly react to it? Or do we hold space for it in loving awareness, listen to what it’s telling us about what we are perceiving in our present moment and then transmute it into inspired action? How we respond to it is what dictates the impact it has on our inner state of peace, as well as the impact it has on the world around us. As within, so without.

So if fear unchecked and unconscious is the problem, how do we go about the business of shifting?

By doing one of the simplest, yet most challenging and confronting things there is: cultivating a relationship with and learning to be with self.

and how do you do this, you may be wondering?
By beginning to hold curious, kind and non-judgmental space for all of you. Looking at who you have been [yes including the shameful bits] and who you fear you may or may not be; the narratives of “not enough” or “too much” that the world has deemed makes you unloveable— all of it— and beginning to call bullshit on what is not true, witnessing the aspects and experiences you want to look away from and embracing yourself with a loving reverence and compassionate accountability.

By noticing and dismantling the patterns of coping that keep us stuck in these loops of fear—react—fear.

It’s in creating space within— a pause if you will— to ask “am I in danger or am I uncomfortable?” and holding space in that pause for an answer; and choosing our response from within the pause.

Noticing the stories about our sense of belonging and safety in the spaces we occupy. Digging deeper yet, and asking where that story came from, and if it is still true, or is it something that in the past you needed to protect yourself, but no longer need [this is where the part about calling bullshit on that which isn’t relevant anymore becomes useful].

And throughout all, employing radical honesty and acceptance of what is and has been— not condoning bad behavior and also not condemning yourself, but instead, holding loving accountability for how you showed up and reacted; beginning to accept what happened as it happened, and from that acceptance, processing how you felt/feel— your response to it. Honoring the space those emotions occupy within you as yours and valid, while recognizing that they aren’t you— they are merely indicators, information about what is happening within you. Your role in the process is to hold space for whatever arises— no matter the level of intensity or discomfort— and trusting that it’s ok [even when it hurts like hell]; giving those very emotions the same acceptance that you would want to receive from someone you love and then giving them permission to move on when they are ready.

Becoming a witness and a safe container for reflection; always coming from that foundation of curiosity, kindness and non-judgement...

“And this is what it means to rest in silence. Because this is when all those voices, those ideas and stories we wrestle with inside us, the ones that keep us up at night, and lead us to believe we aren’t worthy of love, or of anything good, this is when the whole clamorous riot goes mute.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

It has never been outside of us. And yet, we’ve looked everywhere out there, to no avail— traveled to the ends of the literal and metaphorical earth, searching for “it”. And all along, it’s been in the silence. In that space, those moments, where fear loses it’s voice and all that remains is love…

"We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

***

Day 12/28: Ok, today this expression came seemingly out of nowhere [and everywhere at the same time *insert eye roll here]. The thread I pulled started from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” this morning over my morning coffee. If you’ve been following along here or on IG, you may have noticed me quoting a lot from Meggan Watterson’s work and it’s because this book… whew… there is just so much triumphant YES from within, I don’t have enough space to write about all that has been sparked by reading this. It’s one of those books where I can feel a truth I always knew was there but never had language or context to put to it. It grabs me by my everything and invite me deeper into spaces I instinctively know but may be altogether “new” to my conscious awareness. And with that, it sparks an inspiration; courage for me to speak on things that I may have been more cautious about in the past; especially out of fear of being misunderstood or worry over crafting an incomplete expression that misses something important [which they all really are anyway as they are just streams of consciousness]. The quotes I incorporated today, are the type of words that brought tears to my eyes and a vibration through my body that give me a courage to pull at threads and weave together my curiosities and share with you. So yea. That and today the Hindu goddess Durga came up, both in “Mary Magdalene Revealed”, but also in an oracle card I pulled before a client session today, and the quote and image below are from that card that fueled my inspiration today.

“An icon for independence and divine power of the light, Durga is the solar mother who shines light, restores order and protects the human soul by destroying impurities such as jealousy, hatred, anger and selfishness. She is creative, inventive responsive and powerful. The Sanskrit word durga means “fort”, a place that is protected in battle, unable to be overcome.”

-Earth Warriors Oracle

[and also the full excerpt from the quote above with a bit about Durga:]

“Whats so profound about Mary is that the “yes” she said to that surge of light that came in the form of an angel within her, a yes she never uttered outside of her, became of of the greatest expansions of love in the history of religions… I nodded in humility to Mary. To her courageousness that’s still left so unacknowledged , and uncelebrated. She should be riding a tiger like the Hindu Goddess Durga. We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

I feel like a bit of a broken record in saying this, but I always mean it: Thank you for exploring along with me… I don’t know where i’m going until I get there any given day, so my hope is that you are pulling something resonant out and it is inviting you deeper into you, or at the very least you are getting a kick out of how my crazy mind processes the world ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

purity of {truth}

Waxing gibbous moon in Sagittarius

***

purity of truth; depths of knowing

bathe me in the raging waters of Styx— 

binding point of mundane with the divine 

solar plexus on fire

Density in my belly

preparation for purging 

sacred refusals on deck

space and time for renewal required

cultivating a clean reservoir for consciousness

abundant creation in honoring the ebbs and flows. 

watering the seeds in the dark; pregnant with potential.

biding it’s time;

patience in the unfolding

deepening rooted in trust

beneath the sacred tree; in the realm of soul

is where I take my sweet reprieve

all will be revealed in due time.

***

Day 11/28: Water, water everywhere. For the past three days i’ve been getting little nudges and symbols of water and intentional rest as a preparation for upcoming tasks that need stamina to complete. [I literally have water leaking from my roof through my ceiling as i write this—from a leak that was supposed to have been sealed a few months ago and hasn’t given me a problem until the storms we got sweeping through today]. I have been absolutely exhausted the last three days or so, and have been craving quiet time wrapped up in my cozy bed, blinds drawn and in the dark. That’s where I am.

So today I play with the idea of sacred rest, water and underworld vibes— soul space, tree of life, the necessary rooting in order to reach the heights; the nourishment of water; a purity of truth.

Water can symbolize many things, but what i’m pulling in today is surrender and cleansing. There is something calming and chaotic about it all at the same time. It flows exactly where it needs to with a patience of it’s path— it leans in without resistance. When it meets an obstacle, it finds its way— pivots and adjusts. And sometimes it is absolutely and unapologetically destructive in its sheer force of nature.

We are in a time where presence, trust, patience and surrender are challenging; everywhere we turn there is fear and uncertainty and we are being invited to find our space amongst the chaos. And if you can find that still point, beneath the surface, that space all your own, where a truth— an intuitive knowing—resides, there is peace and trust; strength and power in that space. The eye of the storm where you can be in it, and also see it all, without getting swept up in it. In order to find that space, there is a journey you must embark upon. One that includes both leaning into the challenges, as well as our conditioned resistance to rest, rejuvenation and a clearing of the old in order to open energetic channels; for the flow of life force to reclaim it’s sacred path within you. And only you can know when it’s your time to take action, and time to rest. Listen.

And with that, I invite you to take a brief moment to check in with where you are RIGHT NOW, in this moment and ask what it is your heart, your mind, your body needs now. Can you honor that? L

earning to listen to the ebbs and flows of your inherent nature and individual rhythms is a journey itself, but one worth the effort. Sending you so much love and deep reverence for wherever you are in your process. And thank you, as always, for taking your time to be here with me exploring ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{matriarch}

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Sagittarius

I spent some time this evening with my grandmother.

She is 89 years old and I had this realization on my drive home, that there are only a handful of times in my adult life that I have willingly gone to spend time with her one on one [without some family event as the catalyst]. I’ve judged myself as being a “bad” grandchild, and felt a guilt that I had a hard time bringing her in close to me. I felt sad that I didn’t ever really know how to connect with her, and found myself not even really wanting to for a long time, and I could never put my finger on why that was.

And it’s only been in the last few years I realized: Trust. I didn’t trust her. I’ve done a lot of unpacking around my resentments and distrust of those who I know love me the best that they can, but it’s taken years of this coming home journey to open myself up to build trust and true relationship with certain people in my life, and especially the women in my family. Because while it was they who I rationally know showed me the most love, and never shied away from telling me exactly how much they loved me—there was a part of me, part south node in 8th House Scorpio [karma to work through around trust and betrayal as a whole in this life] —and then part “little me”, that carried a perception— a story and distrust—that they didn’t protect me; that they stayed out of the line of fire and let me take the heat to protect themselves[the un-mothered mothers— if you haven’t heard of this concept and it just grabbed your attention—read The Ugly Duckling story in “Women Who Run With the Wolves”] … that’s the story my inner child has been carrying around as armor for 30+ years and projected out to keep me on guard and at a “safe” distance from them.

And there is more story there, that maybe i’ll dig into at a later time, but for now, I want to talk about the contrast of what i’m experiencing now, after 20 years of feeling a huge gap between my grandmother and myself and how we are finding our way back to each other, truly meeting for the first time.

One of the best shifts that have come as a byproduct of my coming home to myself— showing up for and as fully me as I can be— is that it has opened the door for those old resentments to be healed and moved out of the way so I can see others clearly and begin to build trust and healthy relationships; especially with those who have always loved me and tried to show me that love in the ways that they knew how—even when I didn’t know how to recognize and receive it.

The bridge I had to cross to meet them was accepting their love without attachment and clearing the way of the hurt I had harbored beneath the surface for so much of my life. It had to be acknowledged [as irrational and gross as it felt to do so], witnessed and processed in order to move it’s way through—in order to make space for a more true, and pure love to flood in. This has been a hard and humbling process for me; one I have leaned into begrudgingly with more projection, blame and “poor me” narratives than any other relationships…

…And then there are boundaries. I had to start setting and holding boundaries from a place of love and integrity, in all areas of my life; around what was ok and not ok for me— and holding those as an act of love, compassion and belonging to myself above all else. Nobody gets exemption from that, including family. Boundaries are the hardest. Especially those that you have decades of history of being a certain way with— it’s a process of stumbling a lot in order to eventually find sure-footing, after face-planting a few times— but it gets easier over time; and i’ll just leave it at that.

It also helps— the clearing space and the forgiveness and the boundaries— it allows me to see them as the perfectly, imperfect humans, doing the best they can— and recognize and accept my own reflection in them.

There is an acceptance that comes; of the truth that none of us get out of our childhoods without some wounds and stories turned beliefs that shape how we show up in the world; that there is trauma we pass along, generation after generation, and when it doesn’t get brought to the surface to be healed, it festers and creates unseen, yet felt wounds that continue to be passed along and played out on those around us and absolutely affects how we love and relate to one another. Acceptance comes when judgement and shame begin to leave the building… when we can begin to see it as it is, instead of how we still judge it should be [or how we would have preferred it to have been], and how powerless we have felt as a result of that which was mostly out of our control to begin with.

And where we reclaim our power amidst all of that which is out of our control: it’s in our decisions— what we do with these experiences. We either face them or we bury them; Lean into the discomfort and pain of processing that which has been festering, or escape and avoid. And I have to say, I have some badass warrior women in my family who at all ages and stages in life, are standing in the discomfort of facing things about self and humanity, love and relationship; things that happened a long time ago, yet affect the way in which they relate to the world around them. And they continually choose growth; they show up for a chance at deeper connection and more truth.

Brave, badass women I come from. 

This is a work in progress, and i’m definitely not there yet…I feel this is going to be a lifelong journey; but in taking the steps, leaning into the vulnerability of trust, the reward is i’m already seeing growth from these seeds that are being planted.

The beautiful thing about knowing my truth is that I can speak about these things, openly with my her now and I feel less and less resistance to allowing her close to me. The more I accept and affirm myself, the easier it is to take the risk of showing her who I am. And the reward is that I can also see and get to know her. And in all of this, as space is cleared, there is room for forgiveness. There is grace in this clearing.

And it’s opening the door for me to see all the beautiful things about her. She is an unbelievably resilient, resourceful and hardworking woman. A woman who was once a young girl who lost her mother too young, and never really had a safe space or home to call her own as she was passed along amongst family until she got married as a young woman. A girl who was only allowed to go to school until 4th grade (because her stepmother lied to her father and she was punished and he refused to send her any longer). Who is left-handed [like me] but being born in 1931, and in school not too many years later when they believed that left handed people were the devil or something ridiculous like that, and was forced to learn how to write right-handed, and now is ambidextrous. Who was acting as mother and father in her household for 6 years to my father and his older sister when my grandfather went to France to work [as he sent money home to them in Portugal]. Who fought for her children— got her family sponsored and visas and immigrated to the United States when my father was 12, so they would have a chance at more than was possible in Portugal, a chance for them to go to college. Who learned a new language, built a business and new home, all after the age of 40 as a means to continue to provide for her family.

She left behind the known and started over, again and again.

She is smart, curious and creatively gifted; has been a seamstress for over 70 years that creates beautiful clothing [and still can’t quite understand why I intentionally cut holes in my jeans, but she has finally given up asking why with me 😂]. She does all the things. And she loves her family fiercely. And her love language is constantly trying to feed us all the food.

And there is so much more she is capable of and so much she still wants to accomplish. Tonight she said to me “I’m a dreamer, and I constantly think, what I want to do tomorrow and next month, and next year… and I’m so old, but I still have so much I want to do and learn”.

She has many stories to tell. So many memories. I swear, she remembers things that happened 75 years ago and I can’t remember what I did last week.

I wonder, had she been born in another time, with more freedom as a woman, as the dreamer she is, who knows what she would have created, though, she has created a lot despite those societal barriers.… and there is so much more I don’t know, because for years I couldn’t get past my resentment and fear and bring myself to stand close enough to her to witness. This is something I am actively working to change.

I realize that I have always wanted in theory to be close with her, but felt blocked. And the cool thing is, that now, as her and I both get more honest about life and the way things were and the way they are different now, we are slowly but surely meeting each other, really for the first time. And it feels different. It feels, still a little uncomfortable, but full of potential. 

I couldn’t meet her in this space— a space of openness and receptivity— until I got out of my own way. And I also needed to speak things to her, that aren’t easy for me. But because I have, and because it’s my truth, She accepts me as I am. And what I have found, is she is a better listener than I ever gave her credit for. We both needed to make amends for ways that we had projected out onto the other. And that is happening, one conversation at a time.

And now that I have let her know how stifling it is to have her projections of who she thinks I should be [based on who the world told her for years she needed to be as a woman], or what she thinks I should be worried about [as a result of her fears and worries], she gives me more space to breathe, and subsequently we both breathe a bit easier, and our conversations get a bit deeper; with more listening, more love— more trust.

I didn’t realize that so much of my frustration for all these years came from the feeling that everyone had this idea of who I was, but never really stopped and looked closely enough to see beneath the surface, never truly saw me or knew me. So there were a lot of assumptions, or a comfort in how I did show up, but it was never me. And that was the part that felt so lonely, so unsafe. And it goes both ways. But in finding me, I’m finding my way to connections within a space that I always have desired but never knew before how to bridge that gap. I didn’t realize that all it really requires is love and a willingness to be fully and unapologetically me and giving others the opportunity and loving space to do the same.

This is about my relationship with my grandmother. And it’s about a bigger, deeper healing that is taking place.

Women coming together, from different generations, remembering how to relate to one another. Sharing stories. Getting honest and raw about what it’s like being a woman in this world, and how that has shifted over time. Breaking down the acceptance of what we “should be grateful for” while the world has done its best to tame us, and bit by bit, shedding the false skin we’ve been wearing, so we can see the true beauty and magic of the wild, creative spark, the life force that lives in our bones and cannot be stripped from us.

Tonight I spent time with the matriarch of my family. We shared space, we talked about relationships— marriage, divorce, family; curiosities about what happens to us after we die and how the Holy Spirit [how she resonates] or Divine [as I prefer to refer to this big energy] lives through us; religion vs. spirituality; the challenges of being human.

A few tears were shed.

And I am feeling full— for this time was nourishing in a way that I can’t describe and I feel hopeful that I will get to know and share more, about the powerhouse of a woman packed in a 5”1’ frame, that is my grandma Maria.

***

Day 10/28: I don’t have much to say other than, i’m grateful for the unfolding that is happening in my life in this present season. It’s too much to describe, and i’m attempting to in these little daily chunks. And I can’t wait to look back on this at some time in the future and witness from the distance how much life can happen in such a short period of time if we are just willing to lean into our fears and take it all in. There is so much juice to this life in the seemingly small moments. I am grateful for this day, for your presence here; for how much is truly possible when we are willing to open ourselves to all that we don’t know. This. Life. Is. Wild. And beautiful. And messy AF. And magical.

Have a beautiful evening, beautiful humans… I’ll see you soon.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{womb} day

First quarter, moon in Scorpio.

Womb day. A journey inward and a time for reflection and nourishment, rejuvenation, regeneration. Mother take me to your waters, wash away my worries, hydrate my being. Keeper of wisdom and mysteries; sacred blood, flow.

Visceral immersion into the absolute death that must occur for new life to take root. Recycle me into the earth. Settle me deeper into the roots, Mother— I’m tired.

Held in suspension— a pause at the bottom of a long exhale; surrender; loving creations of healing consciousness.

Curiosities dancing on the edge of my consciousness as I lay in that space between waking and sleep:

Our propensity for war we seem to hold as an absolute, an inevitability; man made or human nature?

What would we do without the conflict perpetuated…

What would happen if we took off the armor and dropped the weapons…

We are at war with others; we are at war with ourselves. What spaces would open up— what might be created if we stopped fighting…

If we surrendered into the flow; in trust. Where would the current carry us…

I’m tired of being fought. Of working so hard not to ignite sacred wounds and mirror unseen chinks in the metaphorical armor by just my mere presence. And so today, i’m just going to rest…

All i’ve got today is half formed thoughts that end in…

[An invitation to follow it wherever your imagination takes you…]

***

Day 9/28: Today, I had a beautiful half day out in nature, being guided back inward and felt held in Her embrace; all of the elements present and in support. On my drive home, on back country roads, I hit a butterfly [or it hit my windshield— there was contact of some sort] and the thought that popped in my mind after “oooo I’m sorry butterfly!” was “man, it would suck to have gone through the metamorphosis of caterpillar into butterfly, essentially being dissolved into nothingness, in order to be reborn as this beautiful butterfly, only to meet your end by flying into a car windshield”

[yea, these are the random thoughts that pop up, and also, metaphors for transformation, and life/death/life, expectations and how this moment is literally all that we have].

Coming home with the sweet feeling of utter exhaustion that led to a mid afternoon nap—that stretched into early evening; the stark contrast of natures soundtrack— summer storms rolling through asking to be witnessed— as bookends to a fiery day. Mars and Pluto- sitting amidst the tension of opposing forces— rulers of the Scorpio moon we are sitting under at the moment.

Water is a big theme in my consciousness today, so I’m listening to the messages being sent and surrendering to the best of my present capacity. A deep and familiar ache in my hips and thighs asking of me to just be still, curled up and held in the comfort of my bed, blinds drawn. I am here, typing these words out of commitment made to self, but my body literally will not let me take it any further than this… I sort of the love the signals that state: “rest NOW”, even when they aren’t convenient. So i’m going back to where i’m being led. I hope you have had a beautiful day, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Artist: Unknown:

PS: This image felt really resonant as a representation of a felt sense of today… I do not know who the artist is, so if you do know, please let me know as I would love to give credit to this beautiful work. ❤︎

A W E N

First Quarter Moon in Scorpio

“Awen is the thread that connects us to that life force. When we connect in good relationship to the world around us, those threads shimmer with awen, with inspiration. We know that we are a part of the web, wholly and utterly connected. When we feel that connection with other beings, soul to soul, and our sense of self lessens, we are inspired by that connection. We then think of ourselves less, and our perception opens out to a wider perspective on the world, one that is more inclusive rather than just our own self-centred point of view. We become a thread in the web… Awen helps us to see beyond ourselves, and perhaps paradoxically to allow us to see ourselves in everything.”

-Joanna van der Hoeven via: http://torstone.org/featured-articles/the-awen

***

Yesterday I was triggered emotionally during a challenging conversation with a person that I care very deeply for. [check out yesterday’s post if you want some background]

And last night, I processed and did my best to just allow whatever emotions to be there and move their way around and out [emotions, after all, are just energy that want to move]. I was a witness to the stories I was creating [that were doing their best to pull me away from me]; the projections of blame or the ways in which I was misunderstood or rejected— how it couldn’t have been my fault or it was all my fault [I tend to swing between those extremes for a bit before I can find the balance point of truth]. And then I went to bed, tired and a bit emotionally spent after a few good, intense cries. I didn’t judge it, I didn’t force a resolution to it. I just let it be and move.

And then, I woke up this morning, on this watery Scorpio first quarter moon, day three of my cycle, feeling more in my body than I had been in weeks. The intense release catalyzed by a challenging situation dropped me right into the space that was created by allowing that big energy to move.

I went about my day, had a good laugh and chat with my friend/badass barista/inspiring creative/all around awesome human at my local coffee shop and had a slow and gentle day [this was my day off after a weekend of client work]. I drank my coffee, enjoying every delicious bite of the protein brownie that I ordered with my too many shots of espresso. I read a book i’ve been slowly picking my way through and allowed a powerful story to move me to tears [yes in public] and at the crescendo of the story, “River” by Leon Bridges came on my Spotify playlist— and I allowed myself to pause, close my eyes and allow the lyrics and the melody to sweep me along as I physically swayed to the rhythm. I came home to a surprise gift on my doorstep, sent by my dear sweet sister, Natalie, and upon opening it was moved to more tears of unfiltered gratitude for such a generous gesture.

This was a pleasurable day for me. Tuned into the subtleties of my internal tempo. Responding to the world around me from an embodied, open and loving space. Catalyzed by an intense and uncomfortable conversation and subsequent “negative” emotions that sparked an intense emotional response. I slowed down and allowed myself to be done—allowed my day to flow instead of manically doing to avoid feeling.

And because I was open to lean into a challenging conversation—because I was able to hold space for sadness and feelings of anger and rejection to be and move through me— I created space for more love, more joy, more sensitivity to subtle beauty in my present environment to flood into my awareness and ignite my senses in a simple and delicious way. Sweet beautiful contrast.

This is living intentionally, in loving relationship: with myself and the world around me.

I share this in an attempt to paint a picture of what becomes possible, what depths of being we have the capacity to access, when we allow ourselves the space, of curiosity, non-judgement and radical honesty to witness the all-ness of our humanity.

It is a spectrum. One most of us were taught was dangerous to swing to the edges of. One we fight, repress and reject in our attempts to be “right” and “good” [which at the core is the instinctive desire to be safe, being the social creatures we are— and is a hindrance to our being fully expansive beings].

Do I like having challenging conversations with loved ones? No.

But do I think they are bad or wrong or regret them? No.

Because even when I don’t show up in my highest capacity, even when i’m reactive and not present; when I allow fear to run the show for just long enough to wince at what comes out of my mouth, or when I want to lose my shit on someone who I both love dearly and want to throttle some days— I am now at a point in my life where I can accept my humanity for what it is: imperfect, intense, often times irrational. And my emotional states are all a part of a greater cycle that are designed to ebb and flow, guiding me deeper into a beautiful trusting and soul-full relationship with myself.

I don’t judge the experience as my being bad or good or in this case, him being right or wrong, I witness the experience and what it brought up in me and work through the charge that is living in my body, asking to be tended to.

Do I run around wildly reacting and projecting on the world around me? No.

I take time to process, do my best to see objectively the role I played and where I could have shown up better, been more loving or compassionate; I acknowledge what I was feeling in reaction to the other persons response to me so I can understand what it was that was upsetting me. I question the beliefs or old stories that I was tying to the current experience and decide if it’s the same thing, or just fear telling me a story of the imaginary danger i’m in.

And then I make the next best decision I can from a place of presence and what feels in the highest good in this moment, from my internal power place; from my truth.

The key to this is presence and awareness and a capacity to sit with self through moments of discomfort. I haven’t always been able to hold space for this so I know the contrast and what the judgement of being “wrong” or imperfect does to keep us in cycles that don’t serve us. I know how crushing this type of experience can be— how dangerous it can feel because of how deep the conditioning runs and how the rest of the world currently responds to authentic humanity as a whole—I really get it. Most of the world hasn’t done the work of coming home to self and accepting our inherent humanity. I know this, because it is not only what I support others in unlocking within their own journey, but it has also been my consistent self-work for the better part of the last 5 years. This is coming home. And I see everywhere I look the unnecessary suffering as a result of avoidance and rejection of self.

So I get that this journey into the unknown can be really isolating and scary without a lot of examples of how to walk the walk. It takes courage to step into the dark and stumble around. But the beautiful truth in it all, is whether we know it or not in this moment, we all have the capacity to hold the tension of the paradox of being spiritual beings having a human experience. We have everything we need inside of us to hold space for our emotional spectrum and choose the responses that best represents who we are, our integrity and values, moment to moment. We have the capacity to set boundaries that make it very clear what is ok for us, and what is not. And we have the capacity to hold strong on those boundaries as that is truly what enables us to be open-hearted, compassionate, whole beings showing up in the world… It’s all there for us. We just have to dive in and make our way back, to remember what is innately and divinely ours.

It is not easy work to get there. It’s incredibly confronting. And you will mess up a lot, you will fall on your face— more than you want to ever acknowledge or imagine, and there is perfection in that because that is how we learn; it’s how we grow. And it is how we create a space to enable to cultivating and nourishment of the relationships we deeply and inherently desire— both with self and with others.

This is a microcosm of the larger and necessary transition that the collective is calling out for even if they don’t consciously know it by name. It’s the shift from transactional interacting to relationships. From economy to ecosystem. This is about cultivating relationship.

In order to receive another and accept and grow to trust them— build solid, safe and unconditionally loving relationships— we have to be able to accept that others are imperfect and messy: they are human. In order to accept that in others, we first have to hold space for and accept that within ourselves. And in order to get to that point, we have to be able to witness and feel our humanity. All of it. We have to learn to sit with the tension of the courageous vulnerability required to go to the depths of being and excavate the truth that’s been there all along.

Awen is a state of being, experienced through a clarity that only conscious awareness can hold the capacity for.

And this is why I say I am grateful for the challenges like I had last night, because without them, I would not be able to push against the edges of my comfort zone. Without the loving relationship cultivated with this other human— that has taken time and had it’s ups and downs, but at the core is built on a deep trust and respect for one another— there would not have been a space to be opened to experience confrontation that neither of us is particularly comfortable with. That space gave us the liberty to both be reactive and recognize we can survive; allowed us to experientially learn that just because we disagree, or one or both of us is triggered or hurt, our mutual love is unconditional. Even when we don’t like the other very much in the moment.

The part I didn’t share with you last night, was while I was charged amidst the conversation and I left it feeling a bit on fire from the inside, we also held a respect for one another as we each acknowledged our defenses and miscommunications. We expressed gratitude for the other[me a little begrudgingly, but I was doing the best I could in that moment] and said goodbye with love. I had my own work to do after to sort through the response I was feeling in my body, but again, that was mine to sort through. And as i’ve already described, that process of taking ownership of my own experience, led me deeper into me; reminded me as reinforcement that I can survive a challenging conversation with a man I care for without the world ending [deep irrational abandonment fears come on strong and need some reinforcement to prove they aren’t true sometimes]. And it opened a space for deeper embodiment to flood in so I could experience today at a depth that wasn’t accessible the day before. It was hard and it was ok.

Trust comes from experience, and patience and standing in through the discomfort and accepting humanity—being able to witness the self in other. We are all connected. We all breathe and sleep and bleed. We all feel. And we have forgotten this on the surface level. This is where awen comes in. Intentionally building and standing in the discomfort of the vulnerability of relating with self and one another. This is where we must move if we want to create a world where there instead of being in constant conflict with one another we can begin to bring others in closer; holding space, in love, for all. We must build relationship.

“For awen to exist, there must be a relationship. We cannot be inspired unless we are open, and we cannot be open unless we have established a relationship, whether that is with the thunder, the blackbird or a god.  It is cyclical in nature; we open and give of ourselves and in doing so we receive, and vice versa. Letting go, releasing into that flow of awen allows it to flow ever more freely, and we find ourselves inspired not only in fits and bursts of enlightenment or inspiration but all the time, carrying that essence of connection and wonder with us at all times.” 

-Joanna van der Hoeven via: http://torstone.org/featured-articles/the-awen

“Power In Your Hands” via IG @ameyasrealm; print available on https://ameyasrealm.com/

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Day 8/28 {Being} moved: Sometimes I have to wander blindly for a bit to figure out where it is i’m going. This piece was a wandering journey that I, full transparency, have not enjoyed [the writing today that is]. I wanted desperately for it to be a short, quick and to the point expression so I could go about my evening. That didn’t happen. This is the practice and challenge of this challenge. Following the calls I’m getting in the present moment and seeing where they take me. Amidst it all, the theme, the thread that felt inspired to pull today, is “awen” . I’m grateful I stuck with it, through my resistance to find the point my heart wanted to express tonight. I’m continuing to learn about myself day in and day out. What a beautiful wild confusing mess this all is ;)

Today I am overwhelmed with love, and inspired by the generosity and fierce grace of the beautiful beings in my life. My sisters, my family, my soul mates. And special shout out to my soul sister, who was the first DM I saw in the morning that started off with “I just read your post- who do we need to hex?” 🤣🤣🤣{she was joking, but I felt good to know she had my back}. And with that, it’s almost midnight and I may or may not turn into a pumpkin or something like that, so I will say goodnight. As always, deep thanks to you being here, reading my words, following along with my journey of reflecting in response to the world around me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{friendly} enemy

Waxing Crescent Moon in Libra

Day 7/28: My heart is pounding. I feel tears pooling in my eyes, the heavy ones that have no choice but to be shed. I’m tired. I’m angry. I want to write “i’m frustrated” but I’m pretty sure i’m fucking pissed off. Frustrated always feels a little more palatable and reasonable considering what i’m being triggered by right now. But yea, I want to scream and blame and project all my whatever this hybrid emotion i’m feeling but can’t quite identify yet, off onto the next unassuming bystander [yea, i’m present enough to recognize that’s not actually how I want to show up, but I still feel the urge to offload in a major way]. It had been long enough since the last time and I wasn’t prepared for it today. The walls, the shut down. And I should have known it was coming with the territory I was tiptoeing into. I think I did know it was coming, and I did it anyway.

And I don’t know yet, why it is I pushed. Was it my place? Was I trying to fix? Were my efforts as innocent as I convinced myself they were or was I attached to a belief that I have and was wrapping it in a disguise to sneak it in the door? I haven’t sorted yet if I truly overstepped or I just stepped on the wrong nerve. I do know I feel a heaviness and a desire to curl up and pull away, to withdraw: this is one of my suits of armor when I all of a sudden feel unsure about my place in a space. I did the thing I haven’t done in a really long time. I got up and hid for a few minutes to withdraw from all the sharp words I could have used as weapons to cut him like a knife.

Words are my weapons and I have to wield them with reverence. Bouncing often between stifling my voice and manipulating a situation to my favor: extremes that are not in my highest expression of being. So instead of shutting down fully like I want to, I’m going to write a little story, absolutely colored by my hurt feelings in the healthiest way I can manage to offload and process what it is I’m truly feeling. Finding my balance point [as Libra always asks of me], while portraying one side of the story. It doesn’t feel amazing, but I’m not ready to take the blame quite yet, maybe that will come through tomorrow.

Here’s to being emotionally open even and especially when those you love the most trigger the fuck out of you and it leaves you with no option but to sit with it. Or in my case, since I made a promise to myself, i’m here writing it into a little dramatization of it while I’m still neck deep in my feels ;).

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{𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚕𝚢} 𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚖𝚢

warning bells sound; drawbridge raised…

all of a sudden a perceptible shift

nobody in, nobody out

from trusted and welcome ally, relegated to enemy

caught attempting to infiltrate and expose weak spots in the fortress walls

a visceral transformation before my eyes; air between polarities suddenly electric

whip me by the lash of your tongue

your contradictions leaving a bitter taste in my mouth; in words left unspoken.

the voice inside warned me “this one might cost you.”

and deep down, I knew better

and also, sometimes the truth hurts.

alternative perspective, interpreted as accusation

too great a threat to territories deemed absolute in one’s mind.

repeat something enough times, and a truth it becomes

yet, if the foundation built upon is so sturdy; settled

why are mere exploratory expressions such a threat in the space inside these resolute walls?

you love me; still.

despite my curious disposition; I suppose

missed the memo on unacceptable sticking points it seems

they shoot the messenger in this kingdom.

precarious circumstance I find myself in once again

reminder that this is not my home, merely a conditional guest

and I refuse to sleep with one eye open

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“She gets that the real transformation comes in letting love reach within her where it hasn’t been before. It doesn’t come from turning into the form that her ego wants, or that others might have preferred for her to be. It’s not about making sense from the outside. It’s about bringing what she had kept hidden, what she only revealed at night, what she kept secret as the thing that was most hideous about her and returning it to the light.”

-Meggan Watterson

So yea, day 7. Witnessing myself amidst the triggers. It happens less and less the more true I become to me, and therefore steals the breath from my metaphorical lungs for a few beats when it does happen. It took a solid 30 minutes to get my chest to stop buzzing this evening and as soon as I hung up the phone an explosive outburst of tears, a pillow got punched a few times and then screamed into [to any of my clients reading: yes I do the things I recommend to you too]. I needed to move the energy that felt trapped in my being. And I trust that it’s showed up to invite me into a space that it’s time to shine some light into, so I’m going to do my best to be with it; not trying to “figure it out”, but to feel into the edges and explore. Be open to seeing the pattern, the habit, the truth, amidst the feeling of rejection and whatever other stories my little self is telling at the moment.

The quote above is [of course] the medicine that came with my coffee this morning [out of “Mary Magdalene Revealed”] before any of this unfolded, and it feels like a steadying reminder and the perfect words to root this expression to the earth. I’m now going to bed, pretty sure there will be more tears before all is said and done, which means, there is still energy that wants to move. This is my process, one that I judged for many years and did not allow to unfold, one that a past version of me absolutely would not share with others. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. It doesn’t make sense to me half the time, but i’m ok with it. I am feeling things and they don’t feel “good” and I am ok. I trust that it’s here for me and I have the capacity to hold the tension and space within and allow it to move me as it may. Thanks for witnessing me this evening [or whenever these words find you], as always, I appreciate your presence, and willingness to join me on this wild little experiment we call life. ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces

waxing crescent moon in libra

in the tender spaces // between waking and sleep.

8x10 pictures projected in my mind // just out of reach.

some anonymous space and time // shadows and light.

balance and scales // much yet to be weighed.

story upon story; I create // [meaning twisted in my mind]. 

strangled by the invisible // [indivisible] threads connecting me to you.

I am you // and you are me.

an imaginary binding? // or unwinding?

[cage door unlocked; never tried] // [a guide that leads me home to you].

a mashup of melodies // ringing in my ears.

unconscious pulling apart yarns stored // deep in the recesses of mind.

working their way to the surface // one frame at a time.

overlapping memories // old patterns die hard.

unavailable; unattainable // just out of reach.

walking out on me in your dreams // your interpretation.

can you handle a hard truth? // or would you prefer a soft lie?

divine sparks // intuitive animation.

the difference between one that sticks // and those that float away.

like a broken limb in the current // gone.

nothing rational // [significance holds no judgment of outcome or experience].

“good” is not a pre-requisite // in the realm of soul.

the experience we are having is // [we agreed to this shit].

so what is the truth amidst the fuzzy?// [mist of vulnerabilities unspoken].

afraid to show the tender beneath // suffocating under the stifling weight of armor.

unconscious patterns // “show me yours and I’ll show you mine”

here in hiding // we all lose.

open and intentional // no more space in my heart for the lies.

awaken from the illusion // trust in the unseen, felt.

it takes courage to stand in // [the tender spaces between waking and sleep].

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Day 6/28: How is it that we find our way to trust? To the sacredness of our innermost sanctuaries where unconditional love, truth, and our infinite power reside? The truth is in the body. The wisdom and intuition that is there, that has always been there, yet we fear following.

“tender // spaces” is a mashup of little narratives that popped into my consciousness throughout my day today that i’ve attempted to give some form/cohesiveness. I pulled from imagery I saw on the brink of napping, eyes closed and just watching as my mind played this afternoon; through messages exchanged with friends over text and lines in songs I was listening to that caught my attention. Then I filled in the blanks with what has felt like a constant theme and curiosity for me as of late: of soul connections [how they show up, the potential they have to move us; maybe also why?].

[{Brief interlude on “soul connections} I ascribe “soul connections” to those that animate us at a depth that I can only describe as “truth”; for no rational or logical reason [this stuff is not anywhere in the realm of rational] and begin showing up in different forms, in different ways, through different experiences [whether we are conscious or open to them is a factor that influences when/how we experience]. Those that I will '“label” under that category in my experience have similar “markers” to notify me of their presence. There is a feeling I get, a recognition and a sense of ease, no matter what is presenting in their current being— their current level of personal awareness, how much self work they have/have not done; not mater how grounded or chaotic they are— there is a trust and a knowing I feel that I cannot explain. A deep nourishing exhale. A place where I can rest, close my eyes and let go. That feeling of home. That’s what I identify as being in the presence of soul manifested in other. Not to say that those I don’t feel that way with are less significant somehow, but when these particular ones show up, I know to pay attention to the themes, what intensities they are sparking within me as information that always leads me somewhere valuable for my own growth— an invitation for deepening into me. And more often than not, they are intense mirrors that reflect aspects of me back that I had not yet seen, had not been ready to seen or maybe would not be able to see if not in the reflection of their being.

And the more I have let go of the attachment to “what this means” and just follow the breadcrumbs “they” [my intuition'] provide— allowing myself subsequently to be led by soul—i’ve been finding my way to some pretty wild/cool/weird AF things within myself, or experiences that I never would have considered significant or transformative, and definitely not “perfect” as a former version of myself. Not all of these experiences are pleasant or meant to be perpetuated, but I feel they absolutely are here on purpose and to be learned from if I so choose to receive them without judgement or attachment.]

So, in “tender // spaces” what I realize now, in reflection, is that I am exploring the unconscious tug of war we play with ourselves and play out on others when we don’t trust; when we fear and resist holding space for and sharing the vulnerability of our authentic self, how it leads us to hide the best parts of self from not just the world, but more importantly: from ourselves. For when we repress; attempt to manage and control the beautiful messy irrational humanity that resides within us all—yes, that same humanity that the world has tried to convince us is unloveable, wrong, broken, not enough, too much [etc, you get the idea]— then the connections that are meant for us to be experienced for our souls expansion and evolution, become non-starters. Matters of soul are the catalysts for our becoming; we either experience/learn or repeat until completion. And in being present and embodying this physical “human” experience—which is as important an aspect of learning and integration as transcending ego from a spiritual development perspective— when we play defensive maneuvering in matters of love, everybody loses.

At the end of the day, I believe we always have choice, whether we lean into the unknown, dare to experience the things that the rational mind, the ego and fear will say “WTF, this is crazy”, but in that deeper, knowing place— one you may not be practiced at listening to and leading from—you will hear, or better yet feel that “yes” [even if it’s the “uggghhh do I really have to do this” kind of yes]. And in a world, where all we really, truly want is to be seen and known and loved, exactly as we are— the irony is— the only thing keeping us from having the beautiful, soul shaking experiences we are here to live, is the fear of being seen: being exposed in our messy, imperfect all-ness, and maybe even being accepted, receiving love, not despite but because of exactly who it is that we are; that being we were always meant to be.

We have to be willing to explore the edges to awaken from the illusion; must lean in and trust in the unseen, felt. It takes courage to stand in the tender spaces. My invitation as always: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this wild wild west called coming home. Always bring yourself back to a space where curiosity, kindness and non-judgement lead the way, and know: you are worthy, you are enough. And you have EVERYTHING already inside of you that you could ever need. Trust in the perfection that already is you. ❤︎

This concludes day 6 of 28, way more poured out of me than I was expecting when I opened up my laptop, but it feels like what needed to be released that I couldn’t have known before I just leaned into the “I don’t feel like it” and started pulling at threads. Thank you, as always for being here, exploring all the wild and weird human things with me, I am forever grateful for your witnessing me in all my weird and messy humanity ;).

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces. light // dark

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