it’s just {here}

[almost]Full Moon in Aquarius

How is your heart today sweet, beautiful human? 

My heart hurts. Like the literal space in the area of my physical heart. There is a tension, almost a bruised feeling when I press into the physical surface covering my chest cavity. So it’s visceral, in my physical body, but I know it’s something deeper. It’s as though something is rising to the surface and trying to break its way through my sternum...wanting to break me, open... [oh hey 👋🏼 heart chakra, how you doing in there?]

I know this feeling, this pressure. I’ve been here before. And while I don’t know what is trying to come through at this moment, I know that because I can feel it, it’s asking for my love and tenderness. It’s asking to be witnessed. So I’m going to do just that.

I’m sitting this evening, holding hands with my heart, letting her know i’m here to hold space as she processes whatever energy/emotion/story that’s been trapped under some energetic boulder and is ready to be free. No judgement, no attachment, no agenda. Just being... moving and feeling; allowing. And as the theme of water has popped up into my consciousness every day this week, multiple times... a little breath of surrender into these spaces, even though I don’t “know” what specifically is being moved, trusting I’m being led and that it will guide me exactly to the place I’m meant to go next.

What it’s calling to mind in this moment is a reflection piece I wrote before and after an intense release I had a few months back while visiting a dear sweet sister friend... a day where it literally felt like some gremlin was clawing it’s way out of me, scratching and tearing it’s way to freedom. That shit was intense and viscerally + emotionally painful… this is different, but familiar [I’ll share that journal entry in a separate post since it came up and i’m now feeling called to].

Nothing specifically is “happening” that has catalyzed this feeling, it’s just here. And in my presence and reverence of self, I’m learning day by day, how to listen and hold space for and less time trying to “figure out” what is happening. Because when it’s time for me to know [if it’s time for me to know] then I will know. Until then; I experience. I practice sitting with all the various intensities of emotions and visceral experiences that this body is capable of sharing with me.

A conditioning process of being with the intensity of being.

Trusting in the nudges and body-wisdom that my rational mind will likely never understand. Continuing to learn the nuanced rhythms and messages of my inner knowing. I actually love these present moments with self. When I am able to witness myself in a moment and just be with it. Even when physically i’m feeling a discomfort like today. Especially when I don’t know what the flip is happening inside of me. This feeling of trust that nothing is “wrong” and the freedom that comes from letting go of needing to know, reminds me of how far I have come on this wild journey…what a blessing it is to witness all of me, for me.

***

Do you have physical pains in your body?

Do you ever stop to wonder what messages they are trying to share with you? Our emotions and our physiology are so deeply intertwined and when something it out of balance energetically the body will let you know what it needs and when it needs it. It’s in our capacity and our responsibility [and great opportunity] to learn the language, to learn to read the map, so that we can follow the trail of breadcrumbs being left for us. You have the capacity to heal. That powerful capacity— is within you. And yes, while sometimes we need outside intervention to support our healing, it is your resourcefulness and willingness to follow to where you are being led [to find the sources of support] that will guide you back to the balance, the alignment that is what our beings desire for optimal health; that will bring you back to you—physically, emotionally and spiritually. Whole self integration. It’s all within you.

***

Day 14/28: Sitting with me. Body is absolutely exhausted and has been for the better part of a week, and just doing my best to honor it and move with the energy and not fight against it. I haven’t mentioned this much, because these writings are coming out in flow on a day to day basis and i’m usually just scraping by to get them finished before I fall asleep, but if you have any questions for me, any comments about anything you have read to this point, [or anything in general that is on your heart] I am always open and would love to receive. My email is info@nicolettebernardes.com or you can comment below. Sending so much sweet, juicy love your way, I hope your heart is well, and I’m so happy to have you here— however and wherever you are coming from.❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,