{built} for this

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

“But I think she weeps also because she was given a transmission that she realizes now the disciples are not able to receive. It’s a teaching that she can uniquely give to them, precisely because their whole world order and idea of power would have to shift in order to receive it. “

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

shifting power for a new world order

with and for, no more power over.

we cannot dismantle only to rebuild on the same faulty foundations

yet, dismantle we must.

tear it down; burn it to the ground

clearing space for an ancient kind of new

creation from places unseen

just out of sight

a different sort of vision required;

2020; the beginning; the end

☿

alchemy;

transmuting base metals into gold.

trust to take the lead

an uncharted gnosis; in our bones

singing its siren song

from the depths; rising

in many ways, a merging.

Bringing back a balance never before seen

consciousness meeting soul

divine melding with the mundane

masculine holding feminine

as above, so below

whole

holy

♀︎

change is painful.

death, inevitable.

we were built for this.

we were brought here for this

***

Day 24/28: We must shift the current paradigm and ideas of power in order to receive this new world that is waiting for us; change is painful; death, inevitable; we were built for this; we were brought here for this; it’s time.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{i went to sleep}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries {still}

 i went to sleep //

and woke up next to you

messy hair and morning breath 

limbs intertwined

bare skin; soft 

you whispered good morning  

pulled me in close, like you always do

kissed my neck

ran your hand down the side of my body 

as awakened eyes met 

and for just a moment

time stood still

just the two of us

A familiar feeling

wrapped in love

nowhere to be

nothing to do

the sweetest pause...

// and then I woke up.

{maybe one day we’ll meet again // somewhere other than in my dreams}

***

Day 21/28: This Aries moon + Venus in Cancer has got me feelin’ some sort of way these past few days. Emo love songs about distant love, heart literally aching and tears making their way out periodically when a certain song comes on, or lyric hits a nerve; day dreaming about love and connection those that came before, the ones i’m calling in; watching Netflix rom-coms. And what I don’t like acknowledging but will for sake of transparency— I don’t often feel lonely, but I’m feeling the craving to have a man in my presence, someone that I have an intimacy and trust with, that I can just snuggle up with and exist in the same space. I miss being held and touched [again, thanks Venus in Cancer for these vibes *insert eye roll here *]. So today, i’m just going to keep it short and sweet, and spend the rest of my evening enjoying being in this beautiful little hearth space that is my apartment, around my plant babies that all got new outfits today [translation: they got potted in pretty ceramics], watching more Netflix rom-coms. Love and extra tight distance air hugs to anyone who is feelin’ the— longing to be witnessed and embraced— sort of feeling. You’re not alone.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

purity of {truth}

Waxing gibbous moon in Sagittarius

***

purity of truth; depths of knowing

bathe me in the raging waters of Styx— 

binding point of mundane with the divine 

solar plexus on fire

Density in my belly

preparation for purging 

sacred refusals on deck

space and time for renewal required

cultivating a clean reservoir for consciousness

abundant creation in honoring the ebbs and flows. 

watering the seeds in the dark; pregnant with potential.

biding it’s time;

patience in the unfolding

deepening rooted in trust

beneath the sacred tree; in the realm of soul

is where I take my sweet reprieve

all will be revealed in due time.

***

Day 11/28: Water, water everywhere. For the past three days i’ve been getting little nudges and symbols of water and intentional rest as a preparation for upcoming tasks that need stamina to complete. [I literally have water leaking from my roof through my ceiling as i write this—from a leak that was supposed to have been sealed a few months ago and hasn’t given me a problem until the storms we got sweeping through today]. I have been absolutely exhausted the last three days or so, and have been craving quiet time wrapped up in my cozy bed, blinds drawn and in the dark. That’s where I am.

So today I play with the idea of sacred rest, water and underworld vibes— soul space, tree of life, the necessary rooting in order to reach the heights; the nourishment of water; a purity of truth.

Water can symbolize many things, but what i’m pulling in today is surrender and cleansing. There is something calming and chaotic about it all at the same time. It flows exactly where it needs to with a patience of it’s path— it leans in without resistance. When it meets an obstacle, it finds its way— pivots and adjusts. And sometimes it is absolutely and unapologetically destructive in its sheer force of nature.

We are in a time where presence, trust, patience and surrender are challenging; everywhere we turn there is fear and uncertainty and we are being invited to find our space amongst the chaos. And if you can find that still point, beneath the surface, that space all your own, where a truth— an intuitive knowing—resides, there is peace and trust; strength and power in that space. The eye of the storm where you can be in it, and also see it all, without getting swept up in it. In order to find that space, there is a journey you must embark upon. One that includes both leaning into the challenges, as well as our conditioned resistance to rest, rejuvenation and a clearing of the old in order to open energetic channels; for the flow of life force to reclaim it’s sacred path within you. And only you can know when it’s your time to take action, and time to rest. Listen.

And with that, I invite you to take a brief moment to check in with where you are RIGHT NOW, in this moment and ask what it is your heart, your mind, your body needs now. Can you honor that? L

earning to listen to the ebbs and flows of your inherent nature and individual rhythms is a journey itself, but one worth the effort. Sending you so much love and deep reverence for wherever you are in your process. And thank you, as always, for taking your time to be here with me exploring ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{friendly} enemy

Waxing Crescent Moon in Libra

Day 7/28: My heart is pounding. I feel tears pooling in my eyes, the heavy ones that have no choice but to be shed. I’m tired. I’m angry. I want to write “i’m frustrated” but I’m pretty sure i’m fucking pissed off. Frustrated always feels a little more palatable and reasonable considering what i’m being triggered by right now. But yea, I want to scream and blame and project all my whatever this hybrid emotion i’m feeling but can’t quite identify yet, off onto the next unassuming bystander [yea, i’m present enough to recognize that’s not actually how I want to show up, but I still feel the urge to offload in a major way]. It had been long enough since the last time and I wasn’t prepared for it today. The walls, the shut down. And I should have known it was coming with the territory I was tiptoeing into. I think I did know it was coming, and I did it anyway.

And I don’t know yet, why it is I pushed. Was it my place? Was I trying to fix? Were my efforts as innocent as I convinced myself they were or was I attached to a belief that I have and was wrapping it in a disguise to sneak it in the door? I haven’t sorted yet if I truly overstepped or I just stepped on the wrong nerve. I do know I feel a heaviness and a desire to curl up and pull away, to withdraw: this is one of my suits of armor when I all of a sudden feel unsure about my place in a space. I did the thing I haven’t done in a really long time. I got up and hid for a few minutes to withdraw from all the sharp words I could have used as weapons to cut him like a knife.

Words are my weapons and I have to wield them with reverence. Bouncing often between stifling my voice and manipulating a situation to my favor: extremes that are not in my highest expression of being. So instead of shutting down fully like I want to, I’m going to write a little story, absolutely colored by my hurt feelings in the healthiest way I can manage to offload and process what it is I’m truly feeling. Finding my balance point [as Libra always asks of me], while portraying one side of the story. It doesn’t feel amazing, but I’m not ready to take the blame quite yet, maybe that will come through tomorrow.

Here’s to being emotionally open even and especially when those you love the most trigger the fuck out of you and it leaves you with no option but to sit with it. Or in my case, since I made a promise to myself, i’m here writing it into a little dramatization of it while I’m still neck deep in my feels ;).

***

{𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚕𝚢} 𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚖𝚢

warning bells sound; drawbridge raised…

all of a sudden a perceptible shift

nobody in, nobody out

from trusted and welcome ally, relegated to enemy

caught attempting to infiltrate and expose weak spots in the fortress walls

a visceral transformation before my eyes; air between polarities suddenly electric

whip me by the lash of your tongue

your contradictions leaving a bitter taste in my mouth; in words left unspoken.

the voice inside warned me “this one might cost you.”

and deep down, I knew better

and also, sometimes the truth hurts.

alternative perspective, interpreted as accusation

too great a threat to territories deemed absolute in one’s mind.

repeat something enough times, and a truth it becomes

yet, if the foundation built upon is so sturdy; settled

why are mere exploratory expressions such a threat in the space inside these resolute walls?

you love me; still.

despite my curious disposition; I suppose

missed the memo on unacceptable sticking points it seems

they shoot the messenger in this kingdom.

precarious circumstance I find myself in once again

reminder that this is not my home, merely a conditional guest

and I refuse to sleep with one eye open

***

“She gets that the real transformation comes in letting love reach within her where it hasn’t been before. It doesn’t come from turning into the form that her ego wants, or that others might have preferred for her to be. It’s not about making sense from the outside. It’s about bringing what she had kept hidden, what she only revealed at night, what she kept secret as the thing that was most hideous about her and returning it to the light.”

-Meggan Watterson

So yea, day 7. Witnessing myself amidst the triggers. It happens less and less the more true I become to me, and therefore steals the breath from my metaphorical lungs for a few beats when it does happen. It took a solid 30 minutes to get my chest to stop buzzing this evening and as soon as I hung up the phone an explosive outburst of tears, a pillow got punched a few times and then screamed into [to any of my clients reading: yes I do the things I recommend to you too]. I needed to move the energy that felt trapped in my being. And I trust that it’s showed up to invite me into a space that it’s time to shine some light into, so I’m going to do my best to be with it; not trying to “figure it out”, but to feel into the edges and explore. Be open to seeing the pattern, the habit, the truth, amidst the feeling of rejection and whatever other stories my little self is telling at the moment.

The quote above is [of course] the medicine that came with my coffee this morning [out of “Mary Magdalene Revealed”] before any of this unfolded, and it feels like a steadying reminder and the perfect words to root this expression to the earth. I’m now going to bed, pretty sure there will be more tears before all is said and done, which means, there is still energy that wants to move. This is my process, one that I judged for many years and did not allow to unfold, one that a past version of me absolutely would not share with others. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. It doesn’t make sense to me half the time, but i’m ok with it. I am feeling things and they don’t feel “good” and I am ok. I trust that it’s here for me and I have the capacity to hold the tension and space within and allow it to move me as it may. Thanks for witnessing me this evening [or whenever these words find you], as always, I appreciate your presence, and willingness to join me on this wild little experiment we call life. ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces

waxing crescent moon in libra

in the tender spaces // between waking and sleep.

8x10 pictures projected in my mind // just out of reach.

some anonymous space and time // shadows and light.

balance and scales // much yet to be weighed.

story upon story; I create // [meaning twisted in my mind]. 

strangled by the invisible // [indivisible] threads connecting me to you.

I am you // and you are me.

an imaginary binding? // or unwinding?

[cage door unlocked; never tried] // [a guide that leads me home to you].

a mashup of melodies // ringing in my ears.

unconscious pulling apart yarns stored // deep in the recesses of mind.

working their way to the surface // one frame at a time.

overlapping memories // old patterns die hard.

unavailable; unattainable // just out of reach.

walking out on me in your dreams // your interpretation.

can you handle a hard truth? // or would you prefer a soft lie?

divine sparks // intuitive animation.

the difference between one that sticks // and those that float away.

like a broken limb in the current // gone.

nothing rational // [significance holds no judgment of outcome or experience].

“good” is not a pre-requisite // in the realm of soul.

the experience we are having is // [we agreed to this shit].

so what is the truth amidst the fuzzy?// [mist of vulnerabilities unspoken].

afraid to show the tender beneath // suffocating under the stifling weight of armor.

unconscious patterns // “show me yours and I’ll show you mine”

here in hiding // we all lose.

open and intentional // no more space in my heart for the lies.

awaken from the illusion // trust in the unseen, felt.

it takes courage to stand in // [the tender spaces between waking and sleep].

***

Day 6/28: How is it that we find our way to trust? To the sacredness of our innermost sanctuaries where unconditional love, truth, and our infinite power reside? The truth is in the body. The wisdom and intuition that is there, that has always been there, yet we fear following.

“tender // spaces” is a mashup of little narratives that popped into my consciousness throughout my day today that i’ve attempted to give some form/cohesiveness. I pulled from imagery I saw on the brink of napping, eyes closed and just watching as my mind played this afternoon; through messages exchanged with friends over text and lines in songs I was listening to that caught my attention. Then I filled in the blanks with what has felt like a constant theme and curiosity for me as of late: of soul connections [how they show up, the potential they have to move us; maybe also why?].

[{Brief interlude on “soul connections} I ascribe “soul connections” to those that animate us at a depth that I can only describe as “truth”; for no rational or logical reason [this stuff is not anywhere in the realm of rational] and begin showing up in different forms, in different ways, through different experiences [whether we are conscious or open to them is a factor that influences when/how we experience]. Those that I will '“label” under that category in my experience have similar “markers” to notify me of their presence. There is a feeling I get, a recognition and a sense of ease, no matter what is presenting in their current being— their current level of personal awareness, how much self work they have/have not done; not mater how grounded or chaotic they are— there is a trust and a knowing I feel that I cannot explain. A deep nourishing exhale. A place where I can rest, close my eyes and let go. That feeling of home. That’s what I identify as being in the presence of soul manifested in other. Not to say that those I don’t feel that way with are less significant somehow, but when these particular ones show up, I know to pay attention to the themes, what intensities they are sparking within me as information that always leads me somewhere valuable for my own growth— an invitation for deepening into me. And more often than not, they are intense mirrors that reflect aspects of me back that I had not yet seen, had not been ready to seen or maybe would not be able to see if not in the reflection of their being.

And the more I have let go of the attachment to “what this means” and just follow the breadcrumbs “they” [my intuition'] provide— allowing myself subsequently to be led by soul—i’ve been finding my way to some pretty wild/cool/weird AF things within myself, or experiences that I never would have considered significant or transformative, and definitely not “perfect” as a former version of myself. Not all of these experiences are pleasant or meant to be perpetuated, but I feel they absolutely are here on purpose and to be learned from if I so choose to receive them without judgement or attachment.]

So, in “tender // spaces” what I realize now, in reflection, is that I am exploring the unconscious tug of war we play with ourselves and play out on others when we don’t trust; when we fear and resist holding space for and sharing the vulnerability of our authentic self, how it leads us to hide the best parts of self from not just the world, but more importantly: from ourselves. For when we repress; attempt to manage and control the beautiful messy irrational humanity that resides within us all—yes, that same humanity that the world has tried to convince us is unloveable, wrong, broken, not enough, too much [etc, you get the idea]— then the connections that are meant for us to be experienced for our souls expansion and evolution, become non-starters. Matters of soul are the catalysts for our becoming; we either experience/learn or repeat until completion. And in being present and embodying this physical “human” experience—which is as important an aspect of learning and integration as transcending ego from a spiritual development perspective— when we play defensive maneuvering in matters of love, everybody loses.

At the end of the day, I believe we always have choice, whether we lean into the unknown, dare to experience the things that the rational mind, the ego and fear will say “WTF, this is crazy”, but in that deeper, knowing place— one you may not be practiced at listening to and leading from—you will hear, or better yet feel that “yes” [even if it’s the “uggghhh do I really have to do this” kind of yes]. And in a world, where all we really, truly want is to be seen and known and loved, exactly as we are— the irony is— the only thing keeping us from having the beautiful, soul shaking experiences we are here to live, is the fear of being seen: being exposed in our messy, imperfect all-ness, and maybe even being accepted, receiving love, not despite but because of exactly who it is that we are; that being we were always meant to be.

We have to be willing to explore the edges to awaken from the illusion; must lean in and trust in the unseen, felt. It takes courage to stand in the tender spaces. My invitation as always: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this wild wild west called coming home. Always bring yourself back to a space where curiosity, kindness and non-judgement lead the way, and know: you are worthy, you are enough. And you have EVERYTHING already inside of you that you could ever need. Trust in the perfection that already is you. ❤︎

This concludes day 6 of 28, way more poured out of me than I was expecting when I opened up my laptop, but it feels like what needed to be released that I couldn’t have known before I just leaned into the “I don’t feel like it” and started pulling at threads. Thank you, as always for being here, exploring all the wild and weird human things with me, I am forever grateful for your witnessing me in all my weird and messy humanity ;).

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces. light // dark

***

a {royal} conjunction

Waxing crescent moon in Leo

who am I to say that we met on this day…

as sun and moon collide under the same sign,

a royal conjunction

kings and queens of the celestial jungle

light years away from you and what we were.

for I’m only just now remembering

◇

what are these whispers and curious wanderings,

but a breadcrumb of irrational knowing.

A familiar significance.

I don’t know you, but I know you.

a piece of me wandering this earth outside of self

an out of body experience if you will

invisible threads connected;

devoid of logic or proof;

inextricably tethered.

◇

under this same sky, a divine union was born. 

and though our union is forged amidst the fire of the golden one; 

today it rained and poured;

and I walked.

I thought about you, and me. 

ancient memories 

curiously creating what comes next

soaking in wonder

that space where imagination meets soul.

manifesting history; remembering the future.

A glorious reprieve from the suffocating heat of this midsummer day.

◇

⟪⟨ 𝚜𝚞𝚗 + 𝚖𝚘𝚘𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚓𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚝 𝚕𝚎𝚘 ☼☽ weaving together past and future, now. ⟩⟫

---

{Day 3 of 28 day moon cycle writing challenge. word play as I explore the edges of the irrational yet felt. letting go of logic and practical and diving into the deep end. karmic lessons; soul contracts; who we were to one another in past lives; memories just beneath the surface.}

Today, like yesterday was a bit of forcing the words to weave themselves into something as my physical body feels quite exhausted.Great things happening in the mundane spaces [day-to-day life], but i’m recognizing quickly that I have to rebuild my stamina and do a better job creating pockets of rest for myself as I step back into holding space with clients, especially if I want to be able to create something every day during this challenge. My intention in documenting how I’m feeling [behind the scenes so to speak] comes from genuine curiosity to see how my internal cycle and the cycle of the moon play off one another or work together, how it affects my flow and creative process. If there are particular times of the day/week where I tap into flow more fluidly; noticing where my edges are, and learning to discern between when it’s time to walk away for a bit vs. when it’s time to lean in and dig a little deeper. Keeping track of how often I want to throw my hands up and say “screw this", i’m not feeling it” [so far i’ve felt that way every one of these three days and a lot of the writing has been happening in the evening, after 5pm]. As always, thanks for journeying with me, have a beautiful evening!

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Artwork from the Morgan-Greer Tarot deck.

{two years ago, today.}

Waxing Crescent, Moon in Leo

Two years ago today, I died;

July 21, 2018, a date forever seared in memory.

many deaths took place that day.

an intricate weaving of rhythm and melody,

beautifully chaotic harmony carrying me to the agonizing crescendo;

and concluding in an indescribable synchronistic calamity.

the type of ending that leaves you breathless;

Divine cataclysm.

◇

A diamond in the rough, forged by impossible pressure, torn from the womb;

carried aboveground, delivered by the tricksters, Odin’s winged messengers

taunting me, crying out in mimicking tones; deeper into familiar uncharted territory

volcanic eruption of deeply buried memories

broken open; bleeding out

liberated in heartbreak

loss to be found; the greatest gift.

◇

[In your eyes]

stars are born, souls collide

a universe unraveled; a journey back—

to inner sanctum; to soul; to self

a sweet reprieve; the most delicious exhale

safety in the abyss

home.

in your eyes, I am home;

in your absence I found me.

oh sweet paradox.

[in your eyes]

***

{July 21, 2018: Reflecting on a day that will forever be one of the most intensely painful and transformative days of my life. Sitting with familiar tension in deep reverence and gratitude for the perfection in the unfolding.}

---

This was day 2 of my 28 day moon cycle writing challenge I am giving myself. I struggled to get anything to flow today, and the only thing that got me through was the commitment I made to myself and a little bit of “i’m running out of hours in the day” magic [you procrastinators know what i’m talkin about ;)]. Part of this challenge is seeing if I can notice any themes or alignment with my creativity, flow and energy as it relates to the actual moon, which is why i’m tracking it in at the beginning of each other posts. I hope you have a beautiful day, wherever you are in the world, and as always, I so appreciate your taking the time to be here, to read my words and take this journey with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

S U N + M O O N

You and Me.

The sun and the moon.

Me setting, as you rise;

Missing each other in the passage of time

Our celestial bodies, 

waiting for the eclipse,

That will bring us together again.

Overlapping.

Tangle yourself in me, my love,

as I take you over.

For only a few moments;

be comfortable,

aligned in love,

magnetized in polarity. 

You are my sun.

My light, my nourishment.

The heat and intensity igniting my passion.

My peaceful smile on a cloudless day.

The warmth that spreads across my skin as I lay back, vulnerable, savoring your touch.

The burn I nurse, alone, in the late hours of the night.

I receive you, fully, for all that you are.

Your shine gives me life. 

I am your Moon.

Always present,

even when you feel swallowed whole

by the darkest nights,

I am there.

Set your intentions by my phases,

your direction by my intuition.

I will always guide you home;

to your heart, 

to your truth.

You are my sun,  I am your moon 

June 12, 2018: Soul Love + Eclipse Season