what really {matters}

Waning Gibbous in Pisces

Day 16/28: “And at the end of my brief splash in the ocean of infinity, if I have loved fully and deeply; shared that energy— the love and connection that is all I am— with the world; if I allowed myself to be loved deeply and fully in return, then that would be enough. I don’t need anyone to remember my name, I don’t need to be accomplished in anything other than having allowed myself to feel the connection to source— and all that’s in its reflection— intensely, within the container of love.”

Those words came through me about a year ago, after a particularly “in outer space” kind of flow writing session. One of my favorite kinds that I can’t type quickly enough to capture whatever was moving through me as I just unleashed without thinking. It was one of those divine moments where I know I wasn’t “doing” I was just pouring out. And what came out was bizarre and esoteric and silly and layered. It was a weaving— sort of what i’ve been attempting during this challenge these past few weeks in taking the different themes and signs that were in my present consciousness and twisting them together into a little story, an experience of a waking dream within a dream sequence…

Anyway, as I sit here in this moment, exhausted after barely sleeping last night and willing myself to just quickly get today’s post done, I was reflecting on the gratitude I am feeling in this moment. A few hours ago a friend sent me a heartfelt message affirming the value of my presence in his life and for who I am as a person. And as it stabbed me [in the best kind of way] right in the heart, I was stopped in my tracks, as I am from time to time and reminded of what really matters [this feels like one of those grace moments]. His message was in response to the incessant insanity of what has been happening in our world, and in an urgency of, “we just don’t know what tomorrow will bring”, he took the time to let me know my presence mattered to him. Nothing like collective tragedy to bring us back down to earth, here and now.

And it got me thinking, in this time, now August of 2020 which undoubtedly will go down as the wildest year of many of our lifetimes—as the world is coming apart at the seams, and as so many things we believed to be absolutes, begin to crumble—there is an opportunity to reflect on what matters. If this moment is all that we have, how are you spending it? How present are you to all that is available to you? How aware are you of the abundance all around and within you?

If it were to all end tomorrow, and you had a moment to reflect on how you chose to be in this life— would you be able to say you truly lived— like heart on overflow kind of vibes— or would you pass on feeling like there was more that it could have been?

This was the thought process I went through just a few minutes ago— as I allowed the gratitude for this special person in my life and the gift he gave me in affirming my presence pour into me— that brought to mind the closing lines I wrote in that flow a year ago, that essentially sums it all up for me:

“And at the end of my brief splash in the ocean of infinity, if I have loved fully and deeply; shared that energy — the love and connection that is all I am— with the world; if I allowed myself to be loved deeply and fully in return, then that would be enough. I don’t need anyone to remember my name, I don’t need to be accomplished in anything other than having allowed myself to feel the connection to source— and all that’s in its reflection— intensely, within the container of love.”

Love and connection. Deep, nourishing relationships built on truth and a witnessing of the authentic reflection of other. Pulling back the layers of what it means to be human and divine— whole; pushing the boundaries of what is known and leaning harder into trust and surrendering into the unseen yet felt. That’s what matters to me. Getting messages of gratitude, not for what i’ve done but for who I am, for how I show up, for how I leave people— how they feel in my presence. Sharing that same love with those who impact me in a similar way. Giving and receiving love freely and without conditions. That is what it’s all about for me. And it’s something I know I can lean more into and be more intentional around, more often. I, like most of us, get caught up in the intense pace and chaos and forget to just be, but this was another one of those reminders:

this moment is all we have.

And if my life were to end tomorrow, or next week, or next year, the measure of success for me, will be how deeply I allowed myself to experience this life, on my terms, with love, compassion and an intention to see myself and others as clearly as is possible. To be love and loved. Unapologetically, unfiltered and unguarded.

We all have the right to choose what it is that is significant, what matters to us individually. This is mine, and I will invite you to reflect on what that is for you. And if there is a void, an absence of whatever it is, it may be worthwhile to set an intention to pivot, and call more of what you want in. To be open to more of what lights your heart up and fills you with love to be in more of your moments. Because as 2020 is humbly revealing to us with a sledge hammer, we don’t know what next year, let alone the next 24 hours will bring. Be here now and do what matters.

This is what is on my heart tonight that wanted to come through. Thank you for every single beautiful human in my life that receives me as I am. For those who have seen me before I was even able to see myself, and those that continue to show me through example what it means to live authentically and the power of love shared. Thank you to those that encourage and challenge me to step more into my fullness and remind me of who I am, when I conveniently forget ;). I love you more than I could ever express with words.

You make my life more full. You are what is significant to me. [side note: i’m also grateful that the little prayer that went up to my guides tonight to help make this expression flow so I could get to bed, delivered]. I will go to sleep tonight with a smile and a full heart, because I am so immensely blessed; abundance in the form of beautiful souls I have found my way back to in this crazy life.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

-Maya Angelou