i see ghosts // ⁠

𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎 𝑛𝑒𝑤 {𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 } 𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑦 //

The writing of a new [love] story- requires an excavation of the old.⁠⁠

An uncovering of all that has gone unhealed, all this time. I feel their presence, so close to me. As though the thinly veiled layers of past/present/future has taken up residence using my heart, mind and dreams as the battleground to work out the unresolved, the unrequited, the long shoved away... ⁠⁠

Oh yea, I see ghosts. But not in the way you may think. I see what lies beneath; the presence and remnants of the soul inhabiting the shell. I feel the stories, their pain and uncertainty. I know their struggle as though it is my own. ⁠⁠

In hindsight, it was a dangerous space to be, before I understood what I was: a brief stop on a long and winding journey toward redemption. For I would invite them to come in, sit before my fire and share with me their stories; the troubles and questions lingering on the edges of consciousness; offer companionable silence- much needed and too few and far between-so they may rest easy for a bit. And as we talked, shared space- as they witnessed the truth of me- I sensed the weariness melting away, the armor being removed piece by piece; revealing a clearer version of the truth [the essence of soul already sensed].⁠⁠

In my younger years, and childlike innocence- before I knew- I mistook the purpose of these "chance" encounters and wanted badly for them to stay. Clung to the illusion of intimacy and scraps of affection they provided. You see, they were familiar; I understood them, because I too was a bit of a lonely ship sailing towards some unseen and uncertain shore. A paradox- sure and knowing while also lonely and uncertain. Both seeking and offering refuge, homeless and home base all at once. ⁠⁠

So I held on. Allowed a taking to unfold over and over and over again; asking very little in return. There was a knowing that they needed me- and I needed to be needed. A perfect fit. I suppose on some level I understood the value of my presence, a safe place, a stop along a wild and dangerous path. And in that knowing, I allowed so much to be taken...⁠

I wonder now, how they may still be drawing water from my well, when their cups begin to run dry...remembering the nourishment and warmth of the presence of my love and adoration bestowed upon them as a fond memory- while an unconscious siphoning takes place.

True, honest love opens doors. It unsettles, awakens and unearths what was once buried. What I thought to be long put to bed memories of a life I no longer recognize or identify with are flooding back with a new clarity. From this vantage point, I am able to see a more complete picture; a highlight reel playing- old stories I know i've seen before but now witnessed through a new lens, from new angles. More and more pieces presenting themselves to be fit back together; fragments coming home

A recognition that there are still threads and channels open, tethers left intact, never severed. Turns out, there was a certain comfort despite the absence of physical presence. The fear of being alone, the need to be affirmed by the outside, stronger than my desire to be free...to be whole unto self.

But now it is time. I call back these pieces given out, the room I kept for you to reside within me is no longer available; I close channels still open and invite an individuation to take place- an invitation to step out of my depths into your own authentic power, this source is no longer available to draw from.

⁠The writing of a new [love] story requires an excavation of the old, a reclamation, piece by piece, past/present/future; doors are being opened…

…and yea, 𝗶'𝗺 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁𝘀...

back in my body //

ask and ye shall receive //

I thought it was higher heart + throat/jaw… So I asked LOVE, “what is it that wants to be revealed— in this moment, in the highest good? What is the tension in my higher heart/throat/jaw wanting to show me? And as soon as the words left my mouth, I got a little nudge in the form of a burning feeling in my lower belly, on my right side— seems Sacral didn’t want to be left out of the party tonight— and when I asked “is there something here you want to show me??”, tears immediately sprang to the surface— so yea, I suppose there was something Sacral wanted to express. So, again I asked, this time including sacral into the mix, what it was that wanted to be witnessed, acknowledged and I got :

Conflict.

Ok. So I then asked, “what is the conflict between?”

And I received “Conflict between locking down and opening… and LOVE continued…

“All this potent energy in your belly— your fire— in your higher heart and hara— is stuck. It’s stuck in your hips and your legs and knees, your back and feet. It stayed dormant for as long as it could. To give you time to take care of what needed tending, but now it’s ready to fucking move. You’ve been still, depressing this potent life force energy into every corner—every joint that has felt sluggish or stuck— of your being that you could manage in order to integrate and heal. But now you must honor the warrior energy, the athlete you have always been— a physical presence in this world. You must honor the vessel. Care for this magnificent machine in order to build the resilience and stamina for your next steps. Move the energy.

I know you have much resistance to going here, to going hard, to leaning in— I know how much pain you were in for so long. I know how betrayed you felt, by your body and how so much of the joy you had for moving it got wrapped in memories of being incapacitated every time you finally felt you were getting back into a rhythm.

How disheartening it has been. How there are still lingering memories of arguments with him, the one who tried to control and break your will and with it took a place that was like church— as close to sacred space as you knew at that point— for you and turned it into one more place to be hyper-vigilant of your presence, more aware of the space you took up and who was watching and taking responsibility for that. How it was just easier to walk away than fight. How you left pieces of your integrity behind in those spaces.

And now, there doesn’t feel like a space where you belong; in those places you once occupied, so maybe you just need to create your own. Or cultivate a personal practice. Or do your best to wash away the old narratives and look at it with fresh eyes and an open curiosity. But either way, you need to sweat, move, get into your being and shake loose all the dormant gunk. You have to trust that your body will have your back (literally and figuratively) You don’t have to do anything that leaves you in pain— but you do need to get uncomfortable, lean into the resistance and rebuild your vessel.

It was ok that you stepped away from this tending for the time you did, but it’s time to come back. You can be strong and healthy without being in pain. You deserve— your body deserves— that love. And this is an edge of comfort you once knew so well, yet have shied away from for so many years. It’s time to find your way back, in a new way. Breathe fresh life into, integrate what you have gathered and make it FUN again. Make it empowering and authentic to where you are in this moment. Allow it to meet you in this version of you.

I understand the conflict. You have shed so much of that old being that didn’t serve who you truly were, and your athletic pursuits, your competitive nature, was deeply intertwined with that old, not-true self. The loss of identity you experienced after college, when volleyball was all of a sudden done and the whole scary world lay in front of you, and you without a plan; the grief of how it all ended…and how much of that weight you carried as a burden of responsibility and blame— as though it was in your control [it wasn’t], as though it somehow proved and affirmed that you were never good enough all along [ughh this one still has some stank on it]. I know it led you down paths that hurt. A lot. There was nothing you could have known back then that would have prepared you. And because you didn’t know, you were led even further away from you. But it also led you here. To this moment. To this you. You found your way back.

Had it been comfortable and a neat and tidy straight line, would you be here? Without the tension and the pain and the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that something was terribly wrong… would you have started seeking and found this whole world you never had a clue existed? Would you still have made unbearably hard decisions for the sake of your survival, that uncovered all this knowledge and truth? You know you. That type of existence— the comfortable and easy wouldn’t have required any of this of you. And you know now that this is what you are here for. This work. This excavation…

Dear one, it’s time to come back to you. And for you—for your soul. This requires coming back to and rebuilding your relationship with your body. You have to rebuild the physical to mend the spirit it houses. And I know you’re scared, and that’s ok too. It’s ok.

It’s time to integrate. Whole being. You can do this. Trust. Lean into the spaces that feel good— soul filled spaces. Move, and express, and move some more. You know what to do. Trust. You aren’ t the same lost woman you were all those years ago. Say thank you to her for how she led us here, stumbling and uncertain and fucking shit up along the way. She got us here. Witness and honor her fear and hesitation to going back into those places and let her know, she isn’t alone anymore. It’s time to forgive what needs to be forgiven. It’s time to let go of what no longer serves. It’s time to rewrite the narrative and to carve out time and care for your whole self.

I love you. You can do this. LOVE “

***

Day 2// Same drill as yesterday- tuning into my body and asking what wants some attention and then asking whatever questions came to me, to LOVE , and writing out whatever answer LOVE had to give.

I have to say, tonight surprised me a bit. I have been grappling all week with tension in my upper back and chest [for you Be Activated folks, my SCM points (K27 meridian point for you energy practitioners) has been SPICY AF the past few days] and so when I tuned in this evening I wasn’t surprised to feel those areas, but the other aspects of what came up, and the narrative that LOVE answered me with— caught me totally off guard with the emotion I felt behind it.

I have been aware that it’s time for me to get back to tending to my physical body [after I have been very avoidant the past year and a half or so], and is something I am already starting to consciously step back into, but the other threads, the ones that tied the tension to my sacral area to my higher heart— the grief and unprocessed pain that I apparently packed away for a rainy day— are now coming to collect [and oh hey, it just so happens it’s literally raining as I type these words— haha].

I think why I decided to approach this little writing challenge in this way, specifically incorporating the practice of asking self what wants to be witnessed and asking it questions [out loud for me seems to be far more effective that silently in my head for what it’s worth for anyone who wants to give it a shot], was because on some level, I knew this was the way to unpack that which was hidden from my conscious mind. Pretty fucking cool if you ask me. I thought I was starting this challenge to get my creative juices back on-line, but maybe it’s to support this integration of being that i’m focused on and being calling into in this season. Which in turn, will allow me to focus the channeling of my creative energy, with the stamina needed, to bring forward whatever it is I can feel itching to be let loose. Love it. Not the physical tension— headaches and achy joints aren’t my fave— but I do love that my innate wisdom, the knowledge in my body is literally just ready to give me the answers, that serve in this moment, if i’m just willing to ask. And then listen. And then stay with myself through it [ok so maybe it’s not easy, but kinda annoyingly simple].

Any-who my loves, on that note, i’m going to process this a bit more before I go to bed. Thank you for witnessing me bringing to the surface knots of threads I didn’t even realize were entangled. And if this expression has brought anything up for you, I invite you as always to sit with it, witness it with curiosity and maybe ask LOVE , what it is that it needs from you in the moment, that will serve your highest good. Then just pause, breathe and see what happens. And if you are looking to sort it out in a safe container, please connect with me and I would be honored to hold the space and journey with you.

Be well, sweet dreams and until next time ✌🏼

Much love,

Nicolette

Oh, and PS- as I wrote out the title of this post, it brought a dope-ass-song by Maggie Rogers [link takes you to youtube to listen if you are so inclined] by the same name. Thanks Amanda for kicking this one my way last year/

And all along the highway, there's a tiny whispering sound // Saying I could find you in the dark of any town // But all that I am hearing in the poem of my mind // Are silent twisted words finding their way in every line // This time, I know I'm fighting // This time, I know I'm (Back in my body)…

- Maggie Rogers, “Back In My Body”

uncertainty + allowance //

Day 1 // Some context for this expression [also, there is more at the end]: I’m practicing being more intentional about tuning into my body/spirit/energy and both noticing what is present, that may want to just be witnessed, that may want or need to be shifted or cleared; and also asking these aspects of Self, what they need, what they may be trying to tell me. So the following is a reflection of this exercise in tuning into self, asking what wants attention today and then asking LOVE a question to be answered as a support and writing the response in flow...

Today I tuned in and it was uncertainty in the area of my solar plexus and this is what came up for me…

uncertainty //

I find myself stalling— still half embodying my true and full creative expression. Hesitant to share the depths my inner voice speaks from, in that foreign language— sometimes unfamiliar even to me.

I feel envy— jealous of those I see that put it all out there. Those whose creativity seems as though it cannot be contained. I imagine* them liberated, full and flowing; creations spilling out of them just like the stories I create* about their perceived freedom of being. And when I look in the mirror, the artist— that beautiful liberated being— feels so far from the woman I see staring back at me. She still more often than not, feels stuck, blocked, resistant to letting it all loose…

[*calling out that i’m creating stories based on perception and reminding myself that it is my imagination filling in gaps, and that I don’t really know the truth. One of the most valuable tools I have learned on this journey of self awareness is recognizing that we create all sorts of stories based on our own perceptions, judgements, fear, insecurity, etc and there is no shame in that, but keeping a pulse on the fact that I don’t them to be true is really valuable to separate out the truth from the non…

com·par·i·son //

noun ; 1. a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.

Comparison—a dangerous game. Even when, maybe especially when, comparing where we are now to who we think/feel/know we could be. The gap between the current version of self and the “other” whole/free/real being we haven’t yet stepped fully into [or fear we may never become]. And that gap, while in actuality may only be a simple step, decision, or mindset shift away [or even wilder to consider— maybe we already are!? and just can’t/won’t see it], it can feel like the abysmal void— like being lost in the infinity of deep space with not an ounce of gravity to ground us into something real; leaving us feeling untethered to our true being, indefinitely floating.

There was a video I saw on Instagram a few days ago by @sahdsimone about comparison. A beautiful invitation to redirect perspective in those moments when we feel comparison shame creeping in—that not supportive “imagining” we do— to reframe it to something supportive and inspired by saying out loud [to yourself as though you are speaking to the person you are directing the comparison to]:

“thank you for showing me what is possible. May you be happy.”

I love this! And now as I write it out— I’m wondering how I could use that for the gap between who I perceive [+ where I perceive] myself to be, in this moment, and the feeling I get that i’m still only a fraction of Her fullness?

I suppose it’s as simple as saying to self [+ the vision/imagination of who I am capable of becoming]

“[Vision/imagination]— thank you for showing me what is possible. I am grateful for the inspiration it brings me as I continue to grow/become more myself. I love you.”

Reframing the disappointment, frustration/anxiety/self directed pressure to instead being grateful for the daydreaming— you know, those lofty thoughts and visions of what life could be like if there were no limitations— even if it feels crazy or unattainable. Those thoughts that often times we judge as being escapism from the “reality” of our current lives; that we have been told there is nothing productive in our “heads being in the clouds” and to “come back down to earth”{fuck that shit— seriously}— these are precious gifts that can be harnessed if we give them the space and reverence to be; to take root and blossom.

The reason we negate them or allow them to spin us into anxiety [oh hey there, it’s me], is because to open ourselves up to the possibility for something so big, different, uncertain— that’s fucking vulnerable. And it is for sure safer to our ego to be “realistic”. In fact, i’ve been stamping out my capacity to vision and imagine a life I truly desire and want to build for most of my life, in the name of being realistic. And it’s a habit i’m working diligently to break, because I know in my bones, that on the other side of my fear, what comes up in my imagination is the way to the life I came here to live fully.

Is it scary and uncomfortable? Yes. Is it hard to stay in trust some days? Absolutely. It’s why i’m still grappling with this shit. And I also know, that it’s just now my time to break these particular limiting beliefs so I can step into the next, truest version of me. The timing in perfect in my unfolding, as is yours.

So, thank you Soul, Heart, Love, [ME], for allowing me to see what I am in the process of creating [yes, creating— just by visioning]. I can be happy in this moment and excited for where I am moving; how i’m growing. Even when I can’t quite see the fully formed shape of what that looks like, maybe especially when I can’t see— just another invitation to trust in the unfolding...

allowance //

So when I ask LOVE “how do I shift this uncertainty sitting in my solar plexus?” [related to this season of my being and where I am headed next, the aspects of self that still feel trapped— that I am feeling impatience around— and what it will take to release them].

LOVE whispers gently back to me:

“Allowance. Allow yourself to be cared for. Nourished. To move slow, or fast. To sleep. And read. And daydream. To get lost in nature. To make love a meditation and making love a practice in liberation. Speak often and true. Share musings and stray thoughts. One moment, one sliver of awareness at a time… “

allowance.

I am the steward and architect of my life, in co-creation with the divinity of Soul and the agreements I made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through my veins.

[And as within, so without— you are the steward and architect of your life, in co-creation/collaboration with the divinity of Soul and the agreements you made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through your veins.]

And so it is…

***

day 1 // I’m back at it again. I have been feeling stalled in not only my creativity but also in my expression, so i’m back again with another writing challenge to myself. I’m starting with a month of blog posts based on reflective writing exercises, where I am tuning into self, asking “what is asking to be noticed, explored” and seeing what comes up. I have no idea what will come up this go around, but that’s part of the fun, I think ;). I’m sharing here as a place to record and hold myself accountable to this exploration of self, and also as an offering to you; an invitation for you to do your own exploration or possibly find resonance in the specific aspects/themes I happen to be exploring any given day. Thank you for being here with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Nicolette

trusting {in flow}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

A puzzle complete; whole and sturdy in a deep knowing sort of way.

wild woman; opening portals, slamming doors.

Can you trust me to lead the way or will you startle at my roar?

Can you find you place amidst the folds of the great unknown?

Oceans of tears never cried— initiation {the beginning}

Never cease to be astounded at the strength of Her;

willingness to refuse to stay boxed in for others comfort.

A lifetime that says conform, and you lean in;

setting the box on fire and burning with it to the ground—

paving the way to the true—

leaving it— that comfortable and stifling known

stepping into new depths;

stumbling in the darkness.

Lead by intuition and trusting in the flow,

before you even know what it means to trust.

The head does not lead here— this is soul territory.

***

Day 28/28: I really left this one up to the last minute. Trusting in the flow [hoping for the best]. Today I’m feeling inspired by a session with a client; a divine reminder of the absolute power that is the feminine— blossoming in progress— coming home to the instinctual nature [as Clarissa Pinkola Estés would put it]. “The pain is great”— my client on the table, feeling… allowing herself to be physically moved to release amidst a sea of pain. This is a different kind of strength. It’s not how well we hold it all together and in, or how we put on an act to the outside world that we can do it all; how unaffected we appear to be by how much it hurts. How much weight we carry at the expense of self and soul in the name of being selfless creatures that make us worthy of praise and love [I write that as I roll my eyes at this stupid narrative that we have been spoon fed since infancy].

This kind of strength is in the courage. The knowing how much it’s going to hurt and doing it anyway— to find the way home to an unknown foreign land. For freedom and liberation. It is facing the abyss of a lifetime of grief unexpressed, and taking a step forward… and another one, and another one. This re-connection— to self and soul— is not some glamorous process. There are tears— bucket and oceans of tears. And lots of snot. Resistance. And discomfort so intense it makes you want to crawl out of your skin. Oh, and nobody told you about the righteous rage from wounds unhealed— coming in as you recognize from a new paradigm of awareness and connection to the sensations of your body— that you were in fact violated, and it’s shocking, and it hurts. And simultaneously being faced with the tension of “good girls don’t get angry” when all you feel like doing is fucking screaming and roaring and burning it all down.

When I say this isn’t “all light and love”, spiritual bypassing sort of stuff, I’m not kidding. And wow. I am in awe of the courage I get to be in the presence of. I have such a deep reverence for the stories entrusted to me, that I get to witness and hold sacred as these brave souls navigate being, from a new, unpracticed perspective and awareness. And when I say courage, it doesn’t mean without fear. It’s not about not being afraid— it’s about noticing the fear, and leaning in when soul says “step this way”. And standing still, when it says to pause. It’s drawing your own damn roadmap, writing your life script one step at a time. And stumbling blindly in trust as you wait for the next best step to reveal itself, even when you don’t really know what it is to trust self and soul—but you know—even though you don’t. You know? [I know this may make no sense or all the sense— but there is a lot of seeming contradiction in this place too]. There is not a one-size fits all path to life. It is you and you. And more you. And the closer you get to the truest version— it gets easier to step in your highest good [which is subsequently in the highest good of all] to pivot and stand strong in all that comes along with following the path back home— and the more aware you become, the painful reality is that you can never go back to that small and comfortable space. You burned it down, and all is left, is you. And what a beautiful gift indeed that is.

So yea, I get to do this work. So I guess, what I’m trying to say is I’m steeped in gratitude for the unfolding that is my script, that through trust, I have been led. I’m grateful to the beautiful souls that meet me along the way and add color and nuance and depth— and so much love— to my story and practice. That trust me with a truth they may not yet fully realize, but that is dying to make it’s way to being expressed in the world. I could go on and on, but since I have about 5 minutes until midnight, i’m going to call it. On this last day of this 28 day challenge i’ve given myself. I made it. And I suppose i’m grateful for that too.

Thank you to each of you that read one sentence, or read each and every post and every one of you that falls somewhere in the spectrum in between. I appreciate you.

With immense gratitude and always LOVE,

{retro reminder}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

Holding on to old wounds; Value. Belonging. Am I doing it right? Triggers coming in from every direction. A comfortable suffering to distract from the immensity of unknown continuously stepping into. With every layer of armor chipped away—integration; an acclimation period awaits. Naked and ill-equipped— all that remains.

Anxiety creeping around the edges, threatening to consume. In these moments, doubt and disillusionment are the false friends sitting by my side; holding me in an unforgiving embrace. Old becomes attractive. Impatience a tell. When to stay. When to go. When to hold on, when to let go: attachment, the least attractive outfit I own. And amidst these spaces— there is nothing “to do” other than my best. Face down, belly on the earth— literally laying on the floor— the only tether point grounding the incessant spinning at higher altitude. Leaning in, pouring more love into the not-beautiful; surrendering to the paradox of grace; bringing her into deep embrace. Trust the process. Breathe. Remember: this too shall pass.

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

“To truly heal, however, we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self punishment of vengeance was evoked in us. The old healer of the psyche understands human nature with all its foibles and gives pardon based on the telling of the naked truth. She not only gives second chances, she most often gives many chances.

-Clarissa Pinkola Estés, ”Women Who Run With the Wolves”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

Day 26/28— Uranus Retrograde prep: A one-hand-rooted-above-ground reminder for the times when I forget. This has been a week. Old gunk rising, themes playing out— as within, so without. I find it helpful to sometimes write the reminders to myself amidst the muck that i’ve been here before. That I will make it through. That i’m not the same as I was before. I have more awareness, I know many of my tells, my “markers” that i’m going into that underworld space— that I both love and loathe. And that grace is everywhere around me. Kindness, curiosity non-judgement: my navigation companions. So much is happening and simultaneously i’m trying to reconcile the feeling that i’m somehow standing still, if not moving backwards. Am I grounded in trust and truth, or frozen in an old cycle of fear? Maybe i’ll be able to discern the difference tomorrow. For now, i’ll just remind myself again and always, that this too shall pass. And that’s all I have to say about it today. Maybe i’ll have more tomorrow. This too shall pass…

With gratitude and always LOVE,

PS: Oracle Card pull today from the “Earth Warriors Oracle” with a little supporting wisdom:

“When the mind says no, but the heart leaps with joy, we are ripe for a transmission of empowering grace. The sweet paradox is that the more impossible the situations appears to be, the more we are supported through grace and our divine success manifests, swift and complete. Let the faith of the heart overcome doubt. Allow your mind to be filled with the wonder at the unlimited power of the Divine, and you shall bear witness to sacred manifestation”

-Alana Fairchild

kind of {currency}

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

What if, tomorrow, everything changed, and money ceased to have any value— as in, it could no longer buy you anything—couldn’t get you anything— power, access, resources…

…and the new “currency” would be:

the depth of your presence;

the quality of your hugs;

the warmth and love that you meet people with; how you bring them in and hold space and witness them in their fullness;

how well you served your community;

how well you cared for the sacred vessel that is your body…

What if that became what made you wealthy? That’s what allowed you the lifestyle that you desire and ensured that you always had access to food and shelter and whatever else needed to survive and thrive?

What if that new currency created what would be defined as abundance in your life; if it were what the world at large determined to be the most valuable aspects of a person? [if we are going to imagine we are maintaining a hierarchy of human value in this new paradigm, of course.]

What would your net worth be?

And if the value of money were to disappear overnight, stopped being something that we used in exchange for what we want and need, would everything that you’ve been working towards still be worth it?

[The time, effort, energy that you’ve put into building, growing and saving for the vision you hold of the future. All you’ve sacrificed and compromised on— in the present— to get to that place where money is no longer something you have to think about or a barrier to the life you want to live.]

If it stopped being relevant tomorrow, how would you feel about the life you are currently living?

Would you feel like you’ve been wasting your time? Or would you still feel that what and where you’ve been spending your time, effort, and energy— what you’ve been working so hard to build [for the future]— still held value to you?

I’m curious— as a collective society— how many of us are doing something that is deeply meaningful to us. That holds intrinsic value, not just because it gives us the opportunity now [or potentially in the future] to have access to things like resources, shelter, food, or a certain coveted lifestyle, but because it feels in service in a way that is authentic to our soul. In other words it has a juice— an energy to it— that makes it significant outside of the monetary exchange…

And I think on that same thread, it’s important to question individually, what we currently hold in higher regard: assets or humanity?

Pretend for a moment, that you are already living the values of this new, imaginary society where how we show up for self and other— the humanity of it all— matters more than how much money we make and what it can buy us…

Based on the above questions posed, do you have a fulfilling and abundant life [again, without money as the deciding factor]? If not, I invite you to consider the possibility that if money were to simply become worthless [I know it’s not “simply” but we are playing in our imaginations right now— stay with me] would what you’re doing right now and the expense of it — the affect it has on your physical, mental, spiritual health and well being; how it impacts your relationships— the sacrifices, the compromises—would those expenditures still be worth the cost to you?

***

We humans like the illusion of control as a comfort from the reality that things can change in an instant. We are living that reality right now [currently August of 2020]. To a large degree, the outcome of any endeavor is out of our control. If this year has reminded us of anything, it’s how little control we truly have and how many unknowns there are in this life. We control how we show up and how we react. So if everything you have received in exchange for your actions in the past[the outcome], suddenly became worthless, would the journey [the effort]— the exchange of your most finite resources [time and energy]— still have been worth it to you?

If not, I would urge you to consider where you would be left, if everything we have valued as a society were to change overnight. It’s not as far off an idea as we would have considered 6 months ago, now is it? And if that notion scares the shit out of you— it may be worthwhile to take a deeper look at what you are motivated by today, and if that is in alignment with the truth that exists within you vs. something you have bought into [pun intended] that holds little to no true value within.

This moment is literally all we have. More now than ever it feels important to go within to consider what really matters, so that when things do change, you are already showing up from an empowered and authentic space— able to adapt in a world where the only absolute is that things change— instead of feeling dragged around by all that is out of your control.

I know it doesn’t seem likely to occur, and it really doesn’t matter if it does or not. I'm just inviting you to consider how you would respond if everything were flipped upside down [as if they haven’t been already]; if your entire life was built upon the idea of a future self, without any real grounding in who it is you are today, and why it is you do what you do— how would you respond to such a huge paradigm shift? Maybe this is something you’ve already been grappling with over these last few months— maybe this is the first time this has come into your consciousness to consider. Either way, empowerment is an inside job. The outside world will always dictate who and how you should be for their convenience or agendas, but it can’t give you something that you already have within. And only you know the truth of what your purpose is here in this life.

The value of money doesn’t have to become obsolete in order to shift the way we value and show up for humanity—how we show up for ourselves— today.

This is how we reconnect to the power that has always been within. And frankly, become better humans living amongst other humans. So the invitation here: be more intentional about how we are showing up for the present moments that we have, because who knows what tomorrow will bring ;).

***

Day 25/28 : Lots of questions stemmed from a stray thought while eating lunch…I think about the phrase “if money were no object” as an exercise in visioning the future I want to create, and it struck me today that instead of looking at it from the lens that I have so much money it were no barrier, but instead, thought— what if it just weren’t the bartering system any longer that gave me access to things like food, a roof over my head, a car that I can put gas in and drive where I need to go… but if there was something totally different [i’m on a “what an entirely new world could look like” kinda vibe these past few days]. I’m not naive enough to believe that money [at least in my lifetime] would ever be deemed worthless, but I think my hope on some level is that we begin to re-evaluate what really matters, defining value for a more holistic and intrinsic space— each one of us individually being more tuned in with what is most valuable to us, and begin to shift and become a bit more intentional about how live in service to those values. Money is an energy, its a commodity that we have given value, and there is nothing wrong with that, except for when we prioritize it over the inherent value of a human being, or live out of alignment with our unique truth and purpose because it doesn’t make us enough money…Or worse, we determine the value a human based on how much money that have [this includes ourselves]. We have linked abundance to money and in that, have lost sight of the fact that abundance comes in so many shapes and sizes and experiences, if we could give ourselves the space to be here NOW and pay attention to what lights us up—what gives us that warm and fuzzy feeling of being deeply connected to something greater than ourselves; if we could begin to, as a society give that more priority it could transform the way we relate to the world —and most importantly, how we care for and show up for one another.

Where I hope we move toward: More value on humanity, quality of relationships, authentic service coming from a place of love and truth. Less greed, and competition and fear about going without. Creating systems and structures that provide access to the resources that each of us needs to survive, so that we can all begin to show up from an authentic place of service, and give our unique gifts to the world— instead of most of us being in perpetual survival mode.

I wonder how we would relate to one another and how it would shift our mental and physical health. To be seen, and appreciated for our humanness and not the size of our bank account and who “we know”. To not have to hustle or strive or damn near kill ourselves in order to be able to pay rent, or have access to nourishing food and clean water. To not feel shame or selfish for honoring self, and the natural rhythms and cycles of our being— prioritizing the care of this sacred vessel that is our body, which holds that which is infinite and inextricably connects us to all: soul. If we valued the quality of a person based on how they treat other people more so than how much money/influence/access they have, I wonder how different this world would be.

As always, thank you for sticking it out here with me! I would love to hear your thoughts on what came up for you during this reflection. What kind of world would you create if you could?

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{built} for this

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

“But I think she weeps also because she was given a transmission that she realizes now the disciples are not able to receive. It’s a teaching that she can uniquely give to them, precisely because their whole world order and idea of power would have to shift in order to receive it. “

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

shifting power for a new world order

with and for, no more power over.

we cannot dismantle only to rebuild on the same faulty foundations

yet, dismantle we must.

tear it down; burn it to the ground

clearing space for an ancient kind of new

creation from places unseen

just out of sight

a different sort of vision required;

2020; the beginning; the end

☿

alchemy;

transmuting base metals into gold.

trust to take the lead

an uncharted gnosis; in our bones

singing its siren song

from the depths; rising

in many ways, a merging.

Bringing back a balance never before seen

consciousness meeting soul

divine melding with the mundane

masculine holding feminine

as above, so below

whole

holy

♀︎

change is painful.

death, inevitable.

we were built for this.

we were brought here for this

***

Day 24/28: We must shift the current paradigm and ideas of power in order to receive this new world that is waiting for us; change is painful; death, inevitable; we were built for this; we were brought here for this; it’s time.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{what i’m here for}

Last Quarter Moon in Taurus

***

Day 23/28

I started my post yesterday with the lines “My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces… I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart…”

And I meant it. As did I mean everything I wrote after that opening statement. And as i’ve been sitting with all that came up for me today as a result of what I shared in “i’m tired.”, I did some reflection on what it is the point of any of this is for me. Why i’m speaking about these things, that make me super uncomfortable, but can’t quite shake off and move away from…

And it’s because I really truly believe we need to get more honest about all the things we’ve been doing our best to keep swept under the rug— to save face, to be deemed acceptable— to all remain comfortably unconscious of how not ok so much— in the way in which we interact with each other—has been for so long.

And as this writing challenge begins to wind itself down, what i’m seeing more clearly are the threads i’ve been on the fringe of pulling that are here and asking for me to keep diving into.

For a while I wasn’t going in on them, either out of fear or because they are so big, and deeply enmeshed—with so many tentacles and directions I can go— I get overwhelmed when I try to start. And so I wasn’t finishing anything. This challenge has given me deadlines where I don’t have the luxury of time to agonize over how complete something is; it’s pushed me into pulling, untangling and weaving the best that I can, every day. And then allowing whatever comes through, to just be there and trust it’s exactly what needs to be expressed. In. This. Moment. [living the feminine in flow and trust]

And that’s a lesson in and of itself. One of “The Four Agreements” [by Don Miguel Ruiz] which is: Do your best everyday. Letting that be enough. Trusting, as I said, that it’s exactly what it needs to be, even if it’s messy, or incomplete [or has a few grammatical or spelling errors]. Even if your best any given day is less than your best-best ;).

Showing yourself more compassion and understanding in that you are a human being, not a machine. And doing the same for others. Remembering that we are not meant to be fully “on”, all day, every day. It’s unreasonable, and unnatural. Yet, we beat ourselves up for the reality of who it is that we inherently are as we strive and hustle and harm ourselves in an attempt to out-human our humanness— to live up to some unattainable standard.

What? Why? And at what cost?

What kind of life are we actually living?

When we can’t accept our humanity, we build lives around trying to mask the vulnerability of the aforementioned humanness from the world around us. And not only do we keep spinning in these cycles of “doing”— that leave us too exhausted at the end of the day to stop and reflect on why we are even doing it in the first place— but it also isn’t true. We aren’t being our true selves, nor do we often even know who authentic self really is.

So how in the world can we know we are living on purpose— our authentic truth— when we reject and hide self from self and the world or if we are too damn tired to do anything about it?

What is the point?

What is the actual point of any of this? And by this, I mean life. We all get to decide this for ourselves. For me, having been in different phases through my 35 years on this wild ride, i’ve done a lot of trying: the collegiate athlete needing achievement and acknowledgement route. The jumping into a relationship for the illusion of safety and stability that marriage is supposed to promise without knowing who I was or what I really wanted/needed. I’ve done the corporate grind trying to move upward, more money, better title— never enough, hustle more, work more, show how good I am— and losing sense of who I was along the way. I’ve left it all behind to completely pivot into personal coaching and “entrepreneurship”.

I’ve had my personal life blown to pieces [more than once] and gone on a journey 3+ years in the making that has taken me across oceans and into the deep, dark and scary places within myself— and in that personal journey, I have evolved the way I serve and show up for clients as a result of all that I have learned.

I’ve redefined what life is more times than I can count and I am always [and likely will forever be] questioning, learning, and hopefully evolving— shedding the untrue and becoming more whole and fully me.

And now here I am, wherever this is. Through it all, i’ve come to recognize that there is “the way it is” that most of us are taught, and, a whole other entire paradigm and a million ways that it’s possible to “be” if you are willing to get a little uncomfortable, step away from the known, remove the shackles of expectations and worry of how you will be perceived by the world around you and open yourself to the possibility than anything is possible.

So with all that i’ve seen, the huge contrast in what I knew “before” and what I know now, what i’ve come to— what I continue to come back to, time and again— what truly matters to me:

love and connection.

When I look around me, there are so many others that want the same thing, yet still feel a lack in the area of deeply nourishing, authentic connection and relationships. And because of the way things are, we are stuck in cycles that are not conducive to authentic connection. And when we are unable hold space for our humanity and all that comes along with it, we can’t truly hold one another.

From my vantage point and experience, we don’t give much in the way of grace— in the process it takes to learn another being, to build trust and inevitably screw it up at different points along the way.

We have little capacity for true forgiveness because it’s too vulnerable to risk being let down again so we never even get to that point because we are too afraid of being hurt or being the one screwing up and being condemned for it. Sometimes, often times, we are both.

There is a new world on the horizon that is wanting to be birthed; that we have the chance to create if we are all willing to put down basically everything we have learned and begin to meet each other from a curious, non-judgmental energy— it’s waiting for us— we need to be willing to meet it. We need to be willing to meet ourselves.

And if we can create safe spaces for us to explore all the hard and ugly truths about what has been happening and how much it sometimes hurts, then we have a chance to heal, to grow and to actually—finally— meet each other. Like, for real.

But in order for that to happen, we have to change the way we are doing things. We must be willing to share both our triumphs and our tragedies. We have to start being able to hold space for people when they share how much something has hurt them and instead of trying to fix or denying their reality, allow them the space to work through it [and know they aren’t alone].

We need to get better at boundaries; around our own energy, so we don’t absorb others’ pain and wear it like a brick backpack that eventually crushes us. And also so we can be more open and receptive to witness them in their moments. Not making it about us.

Taking ownership of what is ours, and allowing them the space and empowering them to take ownership of what is theirs.

We have to learn an entirely new way of relating with one another.

And this is why I keep pulling at these threads: because I believe this work— this unlearning to relearn— is absolutely vital to creating a world we all can thrive in; not just the privileged few.

I guess i’m just one of those crazy ones that cannot accept it as is. Because I now know there is something… more. And with that knowing, I can’t be less of me to fit into “the way things are” anymore. And naturally— love and connection and all— I want to share this with others to give them the chance to decide, with as much information as is possible to live the lives that best support their soul purpose here. To remind us all [including myself] that who we are—our true, soul self— is exactly who we are supposed to be— and being anything less than all that is “you”, is doing the world a disservice.

So I am going to continue to talk about the things that will help catalyze the shifts I feel in my bones are necessary to start living from a different paradigm. One where we are willing and able to meet one another and truly see the beauty, the good [god], in all.

Unconditional love and authentic connection. Building trust. Moving in the world as the divinely messy beings we were perfectly designed to be, and meeting one another in this thing we call being human.

This is what i’m here for.

with gratitude and always love,

i’m tired.

Waning Gibbous Moon in Taurus

My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces…

I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart.

And I can’t keep pretending that i’m not absolutely fucking exhausted about the way things are and have been for far too long.

Because I know you were taught the same bullshit that I was.

I know it doesn’t serve any of us

I know it’s not your fault.

And I know you aren’t helpless— you can do better.

I’m not here to beat up on you. Or to talk down to you.

You are so much more than that.

I want to call you up to your full capacity.

It doesn’t do you or the world any service to pretend that it’s just the way it is and as though you aren’t capable of being more, of being a whole being.

Nor does it do the world a service for me to stay small or quiet for your comfort; to be less of me so you don’t feel insecure or inferior.

I want to meet you in your fullness. Not this half version we are all so familiar with.

And it’s your choice to embrace that or not; it’s your choice whether you want to be met. And…

I’m tired.

***

I’m tired of being told that the clothes that I wear; that the body I walk this earth in, is a distraction. That my making eye contact or being friendly is an invitation for your unwanted advances. That you can’t see past what it is you desire to see how uncomfortable I am.

I’m tired of having to play traffic cop and have my guard up. Of your sense of entitlement and expectation of how I show up for you.

I’m tired of being verbally assaulted for not leaning into your advances.

I’m tired of you leaning in, only to run away the second it feels like you may have to take responsibility and show some discipline.

I’m tired of being demonized or treated as something to be resisted and kept at arms length because you are too afraid to touch your own vulnerability and the mirror of mine is too much to stand in for you.

I’m tired of being fought. Of being accused of trying to control you because you feel out of control; because you need the control and without it you don’t know how to swim in the uncertainty that is life.

I’m tired of your suspicions about my ulterior motives when I speak directly and openly about what I want; about me being empowered in my sense of self; in my sexuality; in my boundaries, that I set, not to keep you out, but because they are in alignment with my integrity and allow me to rest in a space with you, open to you— to pour into you. [Isn’t that what you want— to be given to and received— in love?]

And it’s not all about you. I know you aren’t familiar with that concept. But i’m not here, spending my time and energy thinking of all the ways I can trick you. When I say I want honesty, it means I want honesty. When I state something clearly about what I want, I mean it. It’s not a trick or a trap i’m setting. If you don’t want the same thing, it’s really ok. Even if my feelings get hurt in the process. Not everyone is going to be a good fit. And I can manage my feelings. I can hold space for pain and disappointment. And I can survive it. So can you, if you were willing to give it a shot. And it’s ok if you don’t want to do that either, just don’t pretend you do to save face and then run and hide when faced with the opportunity.

[And to be clear: it isn’t about you protecting my feelings when you avoid telling the hard truth’s— thats about your discomfort in standing in and communicating that truth. It doesn’t make you valiant or kind, it makes you a coward.]

I only want truth. Not the story you think I want to hear. I want your truth. I want to know what it is you really want. I want to know you. Including the messy and uncertain parts.

[And for the record, I know when you aren’t being honest. I can’t explain how I know, but I know. Often times, you may not even realize you aren’t being honest, because you aren’t used to even telling yourself the truth. And I have compassion for the journey it takes to get to the truth beneath the stories we have picked up and tell ourselves in order to fit in this world.]

I see you. I truly understand and I’m not judging you.

And i’m so tired. Of walking on eggshells around your fragile ego. It’s one thing to be shaky standing in the discomfort of uncharted territory. But it’s a whole different vibe when you have the nerve to try to manage and control me for your own comfort and then talk about my emotions being a weakness or too much; when you twist my words or when you dismiss or reject my experience because you can’t handle witnessing the raw and unfiltered delivery of it.

[We don’t live an entire life without going through painful experiences, and I don’t need you to take on the weight of mine. I just need you to hold space for and witness when it comes up. The life we live inevitably shapes who we are— for better or for worse— and how we show up to things like relationship, friendship, sex, intimacy. That’s life.]

I’m tired of you projecting your inability to connect with your own emotions onto me and acting like you are doing something to protect me. It’s just another way to protect the ego that needs a damsel in distress to save; when you don’t know your value outside of providing or fixing.

I don’t need you to save me, I need you to show up. To stand in and for your truth. I need you to realize how sacred your space is and honor that first and foremost. And if you say you want me, I need you to meet me in mine and not feel afraid because I don’t need you to save or fix me. My not being helpless is not a threat to your “manhood” whatever that even actually means…

[But, it does seem to make you uncomfortable— stating that my needs matter too. That my pleasure isn’t about your ego. It’s not about some outcome you can pat yourself on the back about as you replay it in your mind. It’s not even about an outcome. It’s about the journey. It’s about connecting. Not a transaction. It’s about experiencing and flowing and deepening and enjoying the freedom that exists in that safe and delicious space. It’s not about pushing the right buttons to complete the next level. My body isn’t something to be played and achieved with a score attached to it at the end. And if you weren’t present enough to the moment that you don’t know if I came, don’t fucking ask me, please— just don’t do it.]

I’m tired of being misunderstood.

I’m tired of being held at arms length.

Tired of you walking into my space for your own desires without any intention of truly meeting me.

I’m tired of transactions.

[I want depth. Intimacy. Relationship. And I want a type of relationship that isn’t cookie cutter or the standard. I want to create a relationship built on trust and truth and freedom and unconditional love. Where two people are choosing the life they want to create; together.]

And i’m tired of being accused of anything less than that.

I’m tired of being pinned to the wall when i’m anything less than perfect.

[I am a human being. And I don’t know everything. I make mistakes and I own up to my mistakes. I do my best to learn and do better. And I hold space for that in you as well. I receive you in all of your humanity. Can you—will you— meet me in mine?]

I’m tired of having these narratives run through my head.

I’m tired of these cycles that sweep through me and knock me on my ass, where I am so angry and resentful toward the men I have encountered or witnessed throughout my life that have treated me [and others] as a transaction or a conquest; who couldn’t see or meet me and how that effected how I showed up in the world.

And i’m tired of feeling resentful or angry that I let it. That I changed me for their comfort or a false sense of belonging and conditional love. And I also know that if I keep dancing around it or keeping it trapped inside of me, it cannot be transmuted into any sort of inspired action; into any real change or growth. So as uncomfortable as this all makes me, and likely makes you...there it is.

I’m tired.

***

Day 22/28: I’ll tell you what. I really didn’t want to write [or publish] this. This topic brings up a lot of instinctual resistance within me. It’s feels like a dangerous place where i’m about to be swatted down. But it’s been what is coursing through me the past few days [and the past few years frankly] and what came out when I first sat down to write. And I tried to write something else, but came back to this instead, so yea…. here we are.

I don’t want to project or blame. There is too much of that going on in this world and that’s not my aim nor what I want to contribute to the conversation because I don’t think it’s particularly productive in opening lines of communication or in building relationships. But i’m really tired. And there is some swirling energy in the ether that is bringing up a lot of wounding around the historical mistreatment— the violence, abuse, rejection and fear— of women, including myself. I want to be able to frame this conversation in an inviting way. And this is one of those uncomfortable ones. This is my truth and it’s all I have in me today. So again, i’m not writing this to blame or shame anyone who may be reading this and finds themselves taking offense. If you want to do so, that’s your choice, but I would always instead invite some curiosity and reflection into the areas that bring up resistance. And if it doesn’t apply to you, then it’s not about you.

And i’m not overlooking or bypassing that men suffer as well, as do many other segments of the population that I happen to not fall into the category of; this is just what is in me today, coming from my white, cisgender, hetero, white female perspective. And with that disclaimer, this is where I will call it for the evening. If anyone has anything they would like to discuss in relation to anything i’ve written, my door is open as long as you walk in it with an open, curious and respectful way. We can have hard conversations with love.

Sending so much love to anyone else feeling some of these wild vibes today, or over the last few days for that matter [or the whole of this year if that’s where you are]. And for clarity sake, by vibes, I mean “fuck the patriarchy, let’s burn it all down'“ vibes.— that’s just where i’m at]. If you are feeling some other sort of vibes, I’m sending you love and an encouragement to hold space for whatever is there— we may just be in different head/heart spaces ;). Regardless and always, I appreciate you being here on the journey with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,



{i went to sleep}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries {still}

 i went to sleep //

and woke up next to you

messy hair and morning breath 

limbs intertwined

bare skin; soft 

you whispered good morning  

pulled me in close, like you always do

kissed my neck

ran your hand down the side of my body 

as awakened eyes met 

and for just a moment

time stood still

just the two of us

A familiar feeling

wrapped in love

nowhere to be

nothing to do

the sweetest pause...

// and then I woke up.

{maybe one day we’ll meet again // somewhere other than in my dreams}

***

Day 21/28: This Aries moon + Venus in Cancer has got me feelin’ some sort of way these past few days. Emo love songs about distant love, heart literally aching and tears making their way out periodically when a certain song comes on, or lyric hits a nerve; day dreaming about love and connection those that came before, the ones i’m calling in; watching Netflix rom-coms. And what I don’t like acknowledging but will for sake of transparency— I don’t often feel lonely, but I’m feeling the craving to have a man in my presence, someone that I have an intimacy and trust with, that I can just snuggle up with and exist in the same space. I miss being held and touched [again, thanks Venus in Cancer for these vibes *insert eye roll here *]. So today, i’m just going to keep it short and sweet, and spend the rest of my evening enjoying being in this beautiful little hearth space that is my apartment, around my plant babies that all got new outfits today [translation: they got potted in pretty ceramics], watching more Netflix rom-coms. Love and extra tight distance air hugs to anyone who is feelin’ the— longing to be witnessed and embraced— sort of feeling. You’re not alone.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

she rests // to create

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

⋈

it’s as though it’s right there

on the fringe of conscious awareness

felt; just out of sight

synchronicities piling up

energy spent; portals opening 

pulling at threads

weaving as I go; blind

It’s not time yet

but for now

Hestia calls to me

create the hearth space

sacred temple; home 

preparation for what is coming

I don’t know but I know 

explaining fragments is futile

when it is time

all will be revealed

until then, trust.

***

Day 19/28: Today I feel like a spinning vortex of bits of information; snippets and threads waiting to be pulled and woven together, but without the capacity to sit and weave them into some form.

Plainly put: i’m overstimulated by synchronicities showing up in my consciousness and simultaneously fucking exhausted. And as I have been sitting here trying to get started writing, I pulled a card from the “Earth Warriors Oracle” deck: Card 29. Nana Buluku; “She Rests to Create” and the passage that spoke to me today was this:

“Nanu Buluku is the African Grandmother Creatrix, the supreme feminine creative principle. She created the Universe, then rested. The intersection of rest and extraordinary creative power is repeated in numerous spiritual traditions from varied cultures around the world…”

-Earth Warriors Oracle

I love this invitation of ebb and flow; neither one needing to be forced, but both necessary for the whole of creation. “The intersection of rest and extraordinary creative power” — there are so many themes showing up in my life that I feel inspired to massage into form; lots of goddess meets astrology energy: Vesta + Virgo; Ursa Major and bear symbolism; Mercury + Venus vibes, weird-ass overlaps in actual human beings and the energetic pulls i’m feeling toward them seemingly out of nowhere— all within the context of this big fiery Leo season + lion’s gate portal opening; water, water everywhere [including again, coming through my ceiling earlier this week and rain waking me up throughout the week which is also affecting my energy levels].

And I don’t have it in me to dive in deeper right now and see where the breadcrumbs lead me, so i’m following my trust that it isn’t time, yet.

The medicine here tonight feel like this: Just because information is pouring in through a fire hose right now, doesn’t mean it’s time to drink. Witness. Honor the rhythms of the body. Take inspired action from a grounded place [not manic action from a place of habit or in an attempt to escape the intensity of the moment]. Rest when body says rest. Things are happening beneath the surface that rational mind can neither pick up on or understand, nor may it ever be able to. Trust. Everything is unfolding perfectly.

So with that, I am listening to both my body and the reinforcement of the messages i’m receiving and i’m going to take a bath and re-pot some of my new plant babies before bed. ✌🏽🌱

Have a beautiful weekend, honor your energy and thank you as always for being here with me!

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Card from “Earth Warrior’s Oracle” , Alana Fairchild

—-

no sin in {being}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Pisces

Hear the words of the Divine Virgin, Artemis, Lady of the Beasts:

“You are enough. Wholeness is your birthright, your natural state of being. Obey your instincts, and your true knowledge will lead you back to your wildness, your essential sacred self. Be not afraid to remove your harness and step out of the cage. The cage door has never been locked, only untried. Taste and drink of the freedom that is known to all creatures and which you have lost. Run with me and my nymphs through the forest, knowing the night as your lover, moving in and out of shadows, aglow with silver light. Feel the wind on your bare body, and breathe in the ecstasy of a free woman. To know me is to fully embrace your wild woman self, and from wildness comes all possibilities. Let my spirit move in you like the running deer, without fear.”

-Ruth Barrett, “Women’s Rites, Women’s Mysteries”

***

Today, on Instagram Live, a dear friend and I had a conversation centered around this idea that there is no sin in being human, that these bodies, these beings we are— are an expression of divinity meant to be experienced fully and wholly. I recognize this concept goes against what many have been taught, and even if you were like me, and didn’t grow up in any sort of institutionalized religion, the undertone of shame and our sinful nature is woven into the fibers of our society. And as such it deeply affects how we show up in the world; how we interact with self and those around us.

Why is there so much shame? Why are we taught to inherently be in rejection of vital parts of our beings? Especially as it relates to our sexual nature when this is our actual life force— the creative energy of the universe that is what allows us all to be here. I’m not just talking about the physical act of sex when I say sexual beings/nature. I’m talking about something much deeper, more sacred and ancient than that. I’m talking about the deeply intimate relationship with soul— our connection to God, Divine, Universe, Nature, Source, The Mother [or any and all language that resonates most deeply with you].

Soul as the eternal aspect; the divinity that we embody. What if God created us, these imperfect, messy, beings on purpose? And our “job” for lack of a better term, is to live our unique expression fully and wholly [our ego’s blueprint] based on the truth’s that we came here with— with the lessons to be learned, and experiences to be had? I don’t know the answer… but what if?

What if we were here to attempt to integrate what it means to walk the path of being both human and divine? That there was never meant to be one model of humanity that is the “right” or “good” one, but instead, the highest and most perfect thing we could be, is the most authentic version of self— without judgement or hierarchy and from a love and reverence of self and all living beings.

And what if our walking around, ashamed and in rejection of all of what we are, is precisely what keeps us severed from our connection with the divinity so many are seeking salvation from?

Lot’s of questions, and a few more to come…

What if the point was to awaken to these truths in layers? Hindsight and contrast as a gift to give us context and texture amidst it all. We if we are exactly who we are divinely and innately meant to be. What would we do then, without the shame and the rejection; without the judgement and projection of the inherent wrongness of everything around us?

//

What a slap in the face to this power greater than us [the whole we are a part of], that only wants us to be human— that put us here exactly for that reason—only to witness our rejection of self and thereby other. What must it be like to watch humans from a 20,000 ft view? Trapped in the egoic idea that we are somehow separate, and inherently wrong; unable to witness the beauty in the nuance and experiences that are everywhere around us. I love this passage from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” where she talks about the way that the soul can see the ego but the ego cannot see the soul:

“egoic desire, or craving, thinks that the soul “belongs” to it. And because of this, the ego cannot recognize the soul. It has always haunted me when the soul says, “I saw you. You did not see me.” The soul can see the ego. But the ego can’t recognize the soul: “You mistook the garment I wore for my true self. And you did not recognize me.” The soul is saying here to the ego’s desire, I am not this body, not essentially. I am what exists before the body and after. But if you are only focusing on the body, on the egoic garment I am wearing as a soul, you will not recognize me”

-Meggan Watterson, Mary Magdalene Revealed

The recognition of soul is the way out of the blindness of the ego; awakening to the truth: that we are so much more than these bodies, these emotions and actions and achievements we amass to prove our worthiness.

This idea that we are sinners fallen from grace sets us up from the very beginning, to disconnect from that which would allow us to live divinely— a soul severing occurs. And when we have lost that feeling of connection to that force of energy greater than the sum of it’s parts, that thread which connects us all, we are lost.

And lost we are. As a society; we are missing the humanity of it all. We are missing it. We are too deeply steeped in shame and fear to recognize that the paradise we are striving so hard to be good enough for, is right here. In this moment. This moment. For us to experience. This is all that we have, this is all that we are. This is where the magic is. And we are missing it in our incessant busyness and striving to achieve in order to prove we really are worth it after all. And we are missing it. It’s never been out there. It’s always been right here, right now. In this moment. Within you.

So, what if we did something revolutionary, and just accepted ourselves fully, wholly?

What if we embraced the unique expression we were brought here to be, and just lived that to our fullest capacity— with love and reverence and radical acceptance? This goes far past any conversations about the physical flesh meat suits we are all walking around in. It is about a deeper appreciation of our being that can be expressed through these bodies we possess. This is the gift of our flesh. We have been given this beautiful home, to house and experience the infinite, all. Divinity embodied.

//

There is a marked difference in how I move and relate with the world around me as I deepen into my own embodiment; my own reclamation of soul as a vital aspect of my awakening journey. As I face and shed the shame and the stories of my presence as something to be redeemed. The more I find the sacred space within my being, the more love I can express through my body, in my words, in my open body language— in the way I am able to embrace others unconditionally— that creates a safe place for them to take off their masks and armor; that empowers them to be themselves, free from the weight of judgements and shame and stories about inherent unworthiness. My embodiment, and unapologetic deepening and enjoying of the nuances and sensations in my body, learning to stay with me through intensities like pain and pleasure; learning to sit in those tensions, tells self: “I trust you, I see you, I can witness you without looking away; i’m here with you, for you”. That level of acceptance is a radical act amidst a sea of rejection, and it translates into my ability to receive others at the same depths. And, as within, so without.

Acceptance: the space where true authentic connection is birthed.

The space where soul witnesses soul: a mirroring of divinity that is felt. It’s not some checklist of traits, it’s a knowing, a recognition. It’s a different type of “seeing”. And when we desire true intimacy— deep nourishing experiences in love— I believe this is the way to that place.

Because I am able to see me, I can see you. And when I am in acceptance of the perfection of my humanity, the messiness, the beauty and the chaos— I don’t need you to be anything other than exactly the unique expression of divinity embodied that you are. I can witness that, without fear or threat— I can hold space for it. Because I know that I am whole unto self, I don’t need you to be anything other than all that is you. And that is the most beautiful thing of all. There is a freedom, a liberation in this type of recognition and acceptance. This to me is the grace that makes this thing we call being human worth it [and quite possibly what gives me the resolve to keep being some days]. We are divinity embodied. We are here to experience the full spectrum.

In love. For love. With love.

***

Day 18/28: How often do you truly enjoy your body? Touch yourself in a loving and curious way, and not in an outcome driven sort of way, but just for the sake of savoring the nuances, the edges and curves; the bumps and bruises and scars? Appreciating the sum of the parts that make you whole. How do you hold space and witness the spectrum of beings around you? Can you see the art and beauty in all?

When I was in Berlin two years ago, was when I realized how much body shame I carried, how uncomfortable I was with myself as a sexual being and the space I occupied as such. This was made intensely clear when an exercise we did during a workshop that went something like this: as we wandered around the room [both men and women participants] we were to playfully say “yes” or “no” with our hips when we came to a halt in front of any person, looking them in the eyes, and then moving on to the next person— this was supposed to be without attachment and a way to express through our bodies. A “no” looked like shifting the hips left-to-right and a”yes” looked a bit like a pelvic thrust, forward and backward. And how did I do with this? I literally froze. And then proceeded to have a panic attack/emotional meltdown. Yes, an actual panic attack where I had to remove myself from the group and sit down because the level of anxiety around my sacral energy, my life force— and the idea of speaking that to anyone else, felt dangerous to my nervous system. So much shame and fear around expressing from that space, as a woman, freely. So much worry in how I would be received and the expectations that I realized I carried around as my own in response to how the world has assigned my value as a sexual object for the desires of men. Yea, that shit got real, fast. Not one of my favorite experiences ever, but a profound recognition of how powerful shame can be.

So to witness myself now, and how much more open and free I am in my expression; in ownership of the space I occupy and without shame of my being, is profound and brings a huge smile to my face. I love the moments when I take time to just enjoy myself, whether that is looking myself in the eye in the mirror, or watching myself as I explore the edges of how my body moves to the rhythm of whatever music is playing in the background. Learning to sit with the intensity of pleasure as I explore my actual sexual energy and noticing where I still have a hard time staying with myself in those intimate times. It’s a journey of radical acceptance and patience and unconditional love. Leaning in where I want to escape and injecting large doses of curiosity and kindness into every space as I continue coming home…

Today is a reflection on a really juicy/messy/complicated and often charged concept. It is absolutely incomplete, but as so many of my explorations, just pulling at the threads that find their way into my consciousness. As always, thank you for joining me on this journey. If any of this was challenging for you, I see you. I’m not here to judge your beliefs, but instead, am always attempting to share what i’m learning and exploring the edges of. So it’s an invitation to play and ask questions. If something jumps out at you, you can always dig a little deeper. And whatever doesn’t spark any juice from within, you can leave it right here. Tune into your truth and decide from that space what is for you and what is not. You know what is best for you. If you have any questions or reflections for me, I would love to hear them. You can email me info@nicolettebernardes.com or comment below.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

embodied // love

Waning Gibbous Moon in Pisces

Back in my body

Unbound;

divine shines through

My temple is sacred and filled with pleasures

Not the shame you told me I had to wear

Source of divine power

Life force flows

Sacral wisdom houses every lesson

Soul reclamation

Already within your reach

Turn around.

Come home.

***

Reflecting today on being in the body; being embodied in love. Sometimes it amazes me to witness how much wisdom is already within us, is always with us, whether we tap into it or not. And how quickly so many shifts can occur, when we have safe spaces to reflect curiously within our very being [instead of with judgement and condemnation].

The thing about a love that reaches down to you very depths and steals the breath from your lungs in the most glorious of ways, is that you can never forget it; once you’ve been in proximity to it. Tapping into divine; truth. Once you’ve felt that which is everything in a moment, you can’t just show up for anything any longer. The contrast is too glaring. And that love assigned outward onto some other— that you are recognizing in them— is really just the reflection of your love. The divine energy that is already and always has been within you. Sometimes it takes the glare of a light so penetrating— that love emanating from another reflected back at you— to see how truly magnificent you already are. And that’s the power of Love. It cracks through the toughest exteriors and exposes the truth that we know [in our soul] but have forgotten.

We have everything within us already to be whole, thriving beings. It is the journey of a lifetime to excavate that which gets buried by life. A heroic journey at that. The power we possess, frankly can be terrifying to begin to unlock and learn how to sit with, because it’s so real, so visceral at times, that it’s hard to imagine being able to harness all of that juice. There is a fear, that we will be consumed by it; that we will do harm with all that power. And often times we need a reflection separate from us, a mirror of that power in action from a place of the highest good, which is always from Love, in order to feel safe enough, trusting enough to begin dipping our toe into the shallow end of our own being. To journey toward acceptance and reverence.

We have to start outside of self sometimes, to gather the courage to go inward. And that’s ok, but I just want to remind you today, that the love, the brilliance, the beauty, that you so easily can spot outside of you, is and always has been a reflection of that which you recognize within. You have everything within to be the all you were designed to be.

You are that love.

***

Soul crying out in the spaces the body has kept score

to be seen and held is the heart’s deepest desire; bear witness

Just be; curious.

There is nothing to figure out.

All will be revealed in due time

Learning the language of acceptance; trust

Holding space for the unloveable

Making love to the not-beautiful

Deep embrace and reverence for the unfolding

attachments to an identify

created in rejection of humanity

projections of fear perpetuated by a man-made world

this is what binds us

separated from the true

liberation for reconciliation

Death to the dialogue of our inherent sin

Freedom from the illusion that we were ever separate.

//

Day 17/28: I want to close out today by giving a shoutout to my brave and beautiful clients that are my accountability and constant contacts with grace; that trust me with their truth, that give me the great honor of bearing witness to their becoming. To be in the presence of that sort of love and courage so often, is a gift. I am constantly learning from each of you, and being reminded of the beauty in authentic humanity. I come home more to myself, every time you step into my space. Thank you for being a part of my journey in this life.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

what really {matters}

Waning Gibbous in Pisces

Day 16/28: “And at the end of my brief splash in the ocean of infinity, if I have loved fully and deeply; shared that energy— the love and connection that is all I am— with the world; if I allowed myself to be loved deeply and fully in return, then that would be enough. I don’t need anyone to remember my name, I don’t need to be accomplished in anything other than having allowed myself to feel the connection to source— and all that’s in its reflection— intensely, within the container of love.”

Those words came through me about a year ago, after a particularly “in outer space” kind of flow writing session. One of my favorite kinds that I can’t type quickly enough to capture whatever was moving through me as I just unleashed without thinking. It was one of those divine moments where I know I wasn’t “doing” I was just pouring out. And what came out was bizarre and esoteric and silly and layered. It was a weaving— sort of what i’ve been attempting during this challenge these past few weeks in taking the different themes and signs that were in my present consciousness and twisting them together into a little story, an experience of a waking dream within a dream sequence…

Anyway, as I sit here in this moment, exhausted after barely sleeping last night and willing myself to just quickly get today’s post done, I was reflecting on the gratitude I am feeling in this moment. A few hours ago a friend sent me a heartfelt message affirming the value of my presence in his life and for who I am as a person. And as it stabbed me [in the best kind of way] right in the heart, I was stopped in my tracks, as I am from time to time and reminded of what really matters [this feels like one of those grace moments]. His message was in response to the incessant insanity of what has been happening in our world, and in an urgency of, “we just don’t know what tomorrow will bring”, he took the time to let me know my presence mattered to him. Nothing like collective tragedy to bring us back down to earth, here and now.

And it got me thinking, in this time, now August of 2020 which undoubtedly will go down as the wildest year of many of our lifetimes—as the world is coming apart at the seams, and as so many things we believed to be absolutes, begin to crumble—there is an opportunity to reflect on what matters. If this moment is all that we have, how are you spending it? How present are you to all that is available to you? How aware are you of the abundance all around and within you?

If it were to all end tomorrow, and you had a moment to reflect on how you chose to be in this life— would you be able to say you truly lived— like heart on overflow kind of vibes— or would you pass on feeling like there was more that it could have been?

This was the thought process I went through just a few minutes ago— as I allowed the gratitude for this special person in my life and the gift he gave me in affirming my presence pour into me— that brought to mind the closing lines I wrote in that flow a year ago, that essentially sums it all up for me:

“And at the end of my brief splash in the ocean of infinity, if I have loved fully and deeply; shared that energy — the love and connection that is all I am— with the world; if I allowed myself to be loved deeply and fully in return, then that would be enough. I don’t need anyone to remember my name, I don’t need to be accomplished in anything other than having allowed myself to feel the connection to source— and all that’s in its reflection— intensely, within the container of love.”

Love and connection. Deep, nourishing relationships built on truth and a witnessing of the authentic reflection of other. Pulling back the layers of what it means to be human and divine— whole; pushing the boundaries of what is known and leaning harder into trust and surrendering into the unseen yet felt. That’s what matters to me. Getting messages of gratitude, not for what i’ve done but for who I am, for how I show up, for how I leave people— how they feel in my presence. Sharing that same love with those who impact me in a similar way. Giving and receiving love freely and without conditions. That is what it’s all about for me. And it’s something I know I can lean more into and be more intentional around, more often. I, like most of us, get caught up in the intense pace and chaos and forget to just be, but this was another one of those reminders:

this moment is all we have.

And if my life were to end tomorrow, or next week, or next year, the measure of success for me, will be how deeply I allowed myself to experience this life, on my terms, with love, compassion and an intention to see myself and others as clearly as is possible. To be love and loved. Unapologetically, unfiltered and unguarded.

We all have the right to choose what it is that is significant, what matters to us individually. This is mine, and I will invite you to reflect on what that is for you. And if there is a void, an absence of whatever it is, it may be worthwhile to set an intention to pivot, and call more of what you want in. To be open to more of what lights your heart up and fills you with love to be in more of your moments. Because as 2020 is humbly revealing to us with a sledge hammer, we don’t know what next year, let alone the next 24 hours will bring. Be here now and do what matters.

This is what is on my heart tonight that wanted to come through. Thank you for every single beautiful human in my life that receives me as I am. For those who have seen me before I was even able to see myself, and those that continue to show me through example what it means to live authentically and the power of love shared. Thank you to those that encourage and challenge me to step more into my fullness and remind me of who I am, when I conveniently forget ;). I love you more than I could ever express with words.

You make my life more full. You are what is significant to me. [side note: i’m also grateful that the little prayer that went up to my guides tonight to help make this expression flow so I could get to bed, delivered]. I will go to sleep tonight with a smile and a full heart, because I am so immensely blessed; abundance in the form of beautiful souls I have found my way back to in this crazy life.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

-Maya Angelou

love {in} my life

Full Moon in Aquarius

⬩

An intriguing prospect. A desire to dive in deeper. Explore a bit. I imagine what it may be like to feel your hands on my body. To hold your hand. A curious meeting. One of those funny stories, years ago. Before. Before it all unfolded and I became me. But I found myself drawn to you then. And now. A chance encounter. Yet I don’t believe in coincidence. Curious timing for sure. How many more of these am I going to experience before the pattern runs out? What is the animation here all about? Still a signal of hiding, or is there something yet but meant to be explored?

[This little stream of consciousness is where I started today… so I suppose I’m going to flow on love a bit and where i’m at with it these days… I’m typing this after i’ve written everything below and starting to feel slightly nauseous at a few of the things i’m actually going to share “out loud”… but it’s what came out of me today, so i’m going to go ahead and honor it. Love is a journey, this is a bit about mine; where I have been and where I am presently, and setting intentions for where i’m open to exploring next ;).]

***

I have been single now for the better part of three years. There have been a few men come into and out of my life, some incredibly significant, but none for more than a few months at a time. Not since before I began my awakening journey [and by began I mean I was sort of kicked in the face by circumstance and then tumbled down into a whole new world as a result 😅]. My journey home, began as a result of recognition of how poorly I was loving myself, and what had unfolded prior to that moment, was severe enough, that I was finally seeing that something had to change. I was ready to do something different. It was also a big reckoning, facing how I was allowing men into my life that hurt me, that couldn’t authentically love me or see me; partly because they weren’t grounded in themselves, and partly because I wasn’t grounded or in a particularly loving relationship with myself. I didn’t really know who I was at an intimate level.

And where I started from, was a numb and dissociated place. I had been totally disconnected from my body for most of my life, but it had reached never levels after the relationship I had been in took me to some places that I just couldn’t handle. It was too much. So when that relationship ended, in February of 2017, I didn’t feel— couldn’t feel anything really. Too much had happened. All I knew was that the plan I had made, the moves I had made in alignment with that version of myself, were blown to shreds and I had to come up with a new plan; I had to find a new me, but the old me had to die before I could do anything else…

And i’ve been burning down and rebuilding ever since.

I’ve done a lot of work around clearing out the barriers, the stories and beliefs and fears; the trauma around experiences from my past. For example, it wasn’t until an experience with a partner—where I actually felt safe enough with him to rest into the space and be present with myself— that I recognized in contrast how unsafe [emotionally] I had felt in so many other experiences of intimacy before him. [That one in particular led me down a deep rabbit hole I’m still exploring]. And it’s threads of awareness like that, that I have spent a lot of time witnessing and reflecting on. Myself and how I show up; what I have expected of men and from love. What transactional give and take I thought was love and partnership. The power struggles we witness and learn to engage in that don’t actually feel good to anyone, but are so prevalent in most interactions that we don’t know there is any other way, and often don’t even recognize why we are always feeling lack and defensiveness or just depleted by relationships. Breaking down the misinformation and finding what is true for me, and the love I want to show up for and participate in.

Witnessing my attachments to how someone showed up for me and the way in which I would latch onto those who were only capable of providing scraps; scraps that I accepted out of some deeper unconscious fear that it was all I was ever going to get. Out of fear that nobody would every really see me [all of me], and not just love me, but stay and build and grow with me. And accepting the scraps as reinforcement of my inherent unworthiness, a way to prove that I was right about myself all along; to hurt myself. Yuck. It never feels awesome to acknowledge these cycles and patterns, but these are the stories and experiences I have witnessed that were driving so much of my behaviors and reactions, and they are important for me to keep a pulse on, so that I know when fear is creeping in. When the instinctual urge to armor up and run away or latch onto someone comes on, I can notice it as an indicator for me that i’m feeling threatened and a beautiful opportunity for me to pause and notice what it is that i’m thinking about—and to discern whether something is actually wrong in the moment [my intuition speaking to me], or if i’m just assimilating from some past experience.

One experience, one present moment at a time…

There was a lot of gunk in the way of me seeing myself clearly. As is life and the case for most of us. And as a result, I was hiding myself in so many ways I could never see clearly. Unavailable is a pattern I recognized I was playing out over and over and over again. I was constantly attracted to men that weren’t able or willing to show up for me. Even the ones who I knew and know love me deeply, still cannot meet for more than short bits of time. And that isn’t about me, but I have accepted it because that was the only sort of love I had experienced from men in my life— those who loved me the best that they could, but were never taught themselves how to love and thereby held me at arms length or attempted to manage and control me for their comfort. I see now how I internalized that, made it about me and my shortcomings, or my “too muchness”, and time and again, invited those sort of men into my space energetically as it was the level of love I was familiar with, even if it wasn’t nourishing, or didn’t feel particularly safe. I wasn’t sure that anything better would come along…

It was comfortable— even if it kept me striving and attached and always chasing, trying to be enough and not too much all at the same time, so that they would stay. So they wouldn’t leave me. So I wouldn’t be alone.

And then there is this truth:

Unavailable was/is also safe, because it will never require me to have to deepen and hit the layers that soul shaking love has a tendency to rip open when standing in front of the mirror of other. I chose [still on some level choose] unavailable men, because I can blame them when they leave— whatever their reason, even when I know now that it isn’t really about me— and I get to stay safe in my little hiding place. With all my theories and ideas. With all my awareness. That last little corner of coping— where little me hides out and holds onto with a tight grasp— as it is my last line of defense against the inevitable death that fear says will come if I let someone shine light in that space; if they stay long enough to expose my hiding space. And yes, i’m calling myself the out, because well, maybe it’s part full moon energy, and maybe because i’m really finally ready to dive into new depths, a new chapter. Shedding old barriers to come home deeper. It’s time. My ego will never be ready for it, [it sort of hates me for writing this], but I can feel it in my bones that it’s precisely what I need. An undressing that has nothing to do with clothes, but is a far more intimate and exposed kind of naked..

I have chosen to face that pattern down, and day by day explore what it is I have believed about myself on an unconscious level; and in the awareness, I have gone about the work of changing my behaviors and the way I show up in potential intimate relationships. Being less judgmental and more loving toward myself for choices I made in the past, and speaking shame out loud so it doesn’t own me any longer— so I can be in my truth. And I have learned a lot. I see a lot. And it’s been a humbling, challenging and beautiful path to really come home to myself and develop a reverence for this big, big love I possess. This love that I have always wanted to share with others, but never really knew how.

It’s also been a path to reclaiming pleasure— learning how to witness and feel and open myself to exploring it. Through learning to sit with the intensity my own and not escaping out of my body; acknowledging what it is that I desire and that there is no shame in my having desires; reclaiming my body as a sacred space to be witnessed and experienced and revered— not for a man’s entertainment or ego—and learning to separate a familiar union of love and grief constantly existing simultaneously where it need not. And so much more I don’t have the time to explore today. Through this, i’ve also come to understand what at the core it is that I want from a partner, if I am to step into that arena with a man. The kind of partnership I desire…

And the main requirement [don’t love that word, but can’t think of another more fitting at the moment], is that if you want to step into my space… if you want to know me and experience me [in every sense of the word] then you must be able to witness and hold space for yourself. You have to be able to be present with and take responsibility for your being, in order to be invited into my inner sanctum; my sacred space. [Or at the very least, be ready to do the work to clear out all the barriers to self that currently don’t allow you to see you].

And why is this a “rule”?

Simple. I crave depth; it’s where I live, so surface transactions are never satisfying to me. And the most nourishing and pleasurable thing I have experienced in the presence of a man, is that recognition that he is able to hold me, not just in his arms, but he can hold the intensity of my being, with a love and reverence. He can witness me in my everything. And not just witness, but appreciate and empower it. He has to be a man that desires growth, and is ready [as one ever is] to be seen in his truth. Not necessarily without fear or insecurity, as we are all human and feel fear and insecurity, but a willingness and courage to stand in the discomfort of that vulnerability. Simple and not easy. This I know. I also know, that this way of being is not for everyone. And thats ok, no judgement. This is the space that I feel the safest and have the capacity to deepen even further into areas unexplored within self. This is how trust and thereby intimacy has a chance to be built.

And the way we can clearly see and feel true, authentic connection, to know what is “for” us and what is not, is through that same presence and awareness of self— a knowledge of what our individual needs are, what our non-negotiables are, and thereby allows a freedom to step into a space with other and honor self and communicate clearly what is ok, what isn’t; making a decision from that clear and present place whether we are a good fit or not. Creating space for less attachment and ego and more authentic connection.

Another “why” I realized through experience, was that there is nothing that feels more lonely, than physically being in the presence of someone, who is so stuck in the stories of their past and their future— their projections and fear and insecurities— that they cannot be in the room with me. I have had a few experiences like that, one in particular comes to mind where I felt how my body literally felt like I was in danger, nauseous even, when I had a mans arms wrapped around me that was stuck in his own inner dialogue. He wasn’t actually dangerous, he was a lovely, caring and warm human being. And he was physically here, but he couldn’t see or witness me. And it felt awful. And that is why it’s so important, because I know that a body next to me, not only “doesn’t do it for me”, but it literally leaves me feeling hungover. [Trust i’ve tested this out and tried to convince myself I could compromise on it and learned my lesson. Energetic hangovers are a real thing. Yuck.]

I used to hold this attachment to the idea that I needed that masculine counterpart to be my safe place and without that I had no place I could put down the weight and just be, and I was wrong about that. That was actually an exhausting and disempowering belief. I had to heal my own wounds around my masculine energy, and learn to be intentional and follow through and hold space for my own feminine energy. Within me. Wholly. I had to find my sacred safe space within that I can access at any point. And I’m still doing the work with that, but just in recognizing and cultivating that has been a game changer.

[This is also a work in progress, as is any of this— there are always deeper depths and higher heights to reach if we choose to lean in.]

The realization that I had to make the space within me safe first, without anyone else and have a symbiotic relationship with my own energies has allowed me to step into a space with a man, without the attachment and neediness of him staying for me to be able to rest easy.

And in that recognition and separation of expectation and responsibility, I can be a clearer more open and receptive version of myself; can give other more space to breathe without the weight of my expectations hitting him like a ton of bricks. And I can acknowledge, that while I do absolutely miss having a man in my company, being held and touched and just resting and deepening in an intimate way with other, I am still whole without that. I can miss physical contact and intimacy and not feel empty or lacking without it. Thereby I don’t find myself contorting or compromising on my integrity— what feels nourishing and healthy and safe for me— for the sake of companionship. There is a liberation in this space.

And as it has become a bit of a mantra of mine: as within, so without.

I can hold space for all of me, and can do the same for other. That’s what i’m bringing to the table— all of me and full acceptance of other. So if i’m going to allow a man into my physical space, my body, my heart; if i’m going to pour into him, and give of myself, he has to have the capacity to both witness and receive; to sit with the tension and intensity of his own depths; of his own nuances and intensities— his own humanity— in order to do the same for all that comes along with me. He has to meet himself in order to meet me, in love.

When one can’t hold the space for self, then there will always be a barrier to how deeply they can meet another. And my days of metaphorically screaming to be seen and heard and understood are over. As are my days of twisting myself in knots or stifling my fullness to make others more comfortable. Anyone being less than everything that they are, especially when driven by fear, does the world a disservice. I’m not here for that.

So where am I in this moment?

I am open. I am calling that man into my space. One who is ready meet me. And when he shows up, there isn’t a series of tests to be passed or some obstacle course he must go through. It’s simple. Presence and ability to take ownership of what is his to manage and the ability to sit with himself [projection and self-escape I am not here for]. Boundaries go both ways, and are a beautiful thing to be honored. I know what is ok with me and what isn’t and I will gladly share that up front and hold space for and respect boundaries in other. And hold compassionate space for myself and other as we stumble through this thing called relationship and intimacy. Communication and kindness and an openness to be messy and human and unsure and learn and grow together; called up in love. Open and curious to see what can unfold from that foundation…That’s where I am and where I want to be.

***

Day 15/28: Wow, I’m over the halfway mark with this writing challenge, and this one was a lot more than I ever expected to come out in one evening. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me on this marathon. But here we are. I have spent a lot of time attempting to write about love and intimacy and where i’m at with it in the past, and it has always just sort of felt stuck; I wasn’t able to go there with myself. So it’s a bit uncomfortable putting it out there, where I have been, who I have been, but more so who I am now and stating what it is that I want. There is resistance in expressing it, but it’s about that time, so yea. This is incomplete as so many expressions are and always will be, and as it relates to everything I said around what I desire, the harder things to describe are around attraction, as there are subtleties, as it relates to attraction that I can’t explain, it’s either there or it’s not. I either feel called to lean in and let go or don’t and I know pretty quickly. My body tells me clearly. And part of this clearing out process is so that when myself and another step into the arena and meet one another to see what can grow from that initial spark...we can do so from a place of individual truth, and thereby can honor self first and then decide to keep leaning in from there if it is in alignment with that self truth.

And {full transparency}: I haven’t met many men in general in the last few years as i’ve been doing my own inner work, especially not that the spark of attraction is there, and even less that I’ve gotten the opportunity to lean into the discomfort of putting all these abstract and solo recognitions into action… so the hardest part for me is that I’m a 35 year old woman, experiencing like a 14 year old all over again, just beginning to explore relationship and what that means, because I’m doing something familiar from a totally different paradigm and different version of myself than I’ve done it for the last 20 years of my life; so while I know what I want, i’m still awkward AF when something promising steps into my space. Oh the humbling lessons in being human; growth is fun [*insert playful eye roll here*].

Thank you again if you’ve made it this far today, and especially if you’ve been tuning in every day to see what sort of madness comes tumbling out of me. I appreciate you and sending you so much love and energy on this big full moon evening.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{matriarch}

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Sagittarius

I spent some time this evening with my grandmother.

She is 89 years old and I had this realization on my drive home, that there are only a handful of times in my adult life that I have willingly gone to spend time with her one on one [without some family event as the catalyst]. I’ve judged myself as being a “bad” grandchild, and felt a guilt that I had a hard time bringing her in close to me. I felt sad that I didn’t ever really know how to connect with her, and found myself not even really wanting to for a long time, and I could never put my finger on why that was.

And it’s only been in the last few years I realized: Trust. I didn’t trust her. I’ve done a lot of unpacking around my resentments and distrust of those who I know love me the best that they can, but it’s taken years of this coming home journey to open myself up to build trust and true relationship with certain people in my life, and especially the women in my family. Because while it was they who I rationally know showed me the most love, and never shied away from telling me exactly how much they loved me—there was a part of me, part south node in 8th House Scorpio [karma to work through around trust and betrayal as a whole in this life] —and then part “little me”, that carried a perception— a story and distrust—that they didn’t protect me; that they stayed out of the line of fire and let me take the heat to protect themselves[the un-mothered mothers— if you haven’t heard of this concept and it just grabbed your attention—read The Ugly Duckling story in “Women Who Run With the Wolves”] … that’s the story my inner child has been carrying around as armor for 30+ years and projected out to keep me on guard and at a “safe” distance from them.

And there is more story there, that maybe i’ll dig into at a later time, but for now, I want to talk about the contrast of what i’m experiencing now, after 20 years of feeling a huge gap between my grandmother and myself and how we are finding our way back to each other, truly meeting for the first time.

One of the best shifts that have come as a byproduct of my coming home to myself— showing up for and as fully me as I can be— is that it has opened the door for those old resentments to be healed and moved out of the way so I can see others clearly and begin to build trust and healthy relationships; especially with those who have always loved me and tried to show me that love in the ways that they knew how—even when I didn’t know how to recognize and receive it.

The bridge I had to cross to meet them was accepting their love without attachment and clearing the way of the hurt I had harbored beneath the surface for so much of my life. It had to be acknowledged [as irrational and gross as it felt to do so], witnessed and processed in order to move it’s way through—in order to make space for a more true, and pure love to flood in. This has been a hard and humbling process for me; one I have leaned into begrudgingly with more projection, blame and “poor me” narratives than any other relationships…

…And then there are boundaries. I had to start setting and holding boundaries from a place of love and integrity, in all areas of my life; around what was ok and not ok for me— and holding those as an act of love, compassion and belonging to myself above all else. Nobody gets exemption from that, including family. Boundaries are the hardest. Especially those that you have decades of history of being a certain way with— it’s a process of stumbling a lot in order to eventually find sure-footing, after face-planting a few times— but it gets easier over time; and i’ll just leave it at that.

It also helps— the clearing space and the forgiveness and the boundaries— it allows me to see them as the perfectly, imperfect humans, doing the best they can— and recognize and accept my own reflection in them.

There is an acceptance that comes; of the truth that none of us get out of our childhoods without some wounds and stories turned beliefs that shape how we show up in the world; that there is trauma we pass along, generation after generation, and when it doesn’t get brought to the surface to be healed, it festers and creates unseen, yet felt wounds that continue to be passed along and played out on those around us and absolutely affects how we love and relate to one another. Acceptance comes when judgement and shame begin to leave the building… when we can begin to see it as it is, instead of how we still judge it should be [or how we would have preferred it to have been], and how powerless we have felt as a result of that which was mostly out of our control to begin with.

And where we reclaim our power amidst all of that which is out of our control: it’s in our decisions— what we do with these experiences. We either face them or we bury them; Lean into the discomfort and pain of processing that which has been festering, or escape and avoid. And I have to say, I have some badass warrior women in my family who at all ages and stages in life, are standing in the discomfort of facing things about self and humanity, love and relationship; things that happened a long time ago, yet affect the way in which they relate to the world around them. And they continually choose growth; they show up for a chance at deeper connection and more truth.

Brave, badass women I come from. 

This is a work in progress, and i’m definitely not there yet…I feel this is going to be a lifelong journey; but in taking the steps, leaning into the vulnerability of trust, the reward is i’m already seeing growth from these seeds that are being planted.

The beautiful thing about knowing my truth is that I can speak about these things, openly with my her now and I feel less and less resistance to allowing her close to me. The more I accept and affirm myself, the easier it is to take the risk of showing her who I am. And the reward is that I can also see and get to know her. And in all of this, as space is cleared, there is room for forgiveness. There is grace in this clearing.

And it’s opening the door for me to see all the beautiful things about her. She is an unbelievably resilient, resourceful and hardworking woman. A woman who was once a young girl who lost her mother too young, and never really had a safe space or home to call her own as she was passed along amongst family until she got married as a young woman. A girl who was only allowed to go to school until 4th grade (because her stepmother lied to her father and she was punished and he refused to send her any longer). Who is left-handed [like me] but being born in 1931, and in school not too many years later when they believed that left handed people were the devil or something ridiculous like that, and was forced to learn how to write right-handed, and now is ambidextrous. Who was acting as mother and father in her household for 6 years to my father and his older sister when my grandfather went to France to work [as he sent money home to them in Portugal]. Who fought for her children— got her family sponsored and visas and immigrated to the United States when my father was 12, so they would have a chance at more than was possible in Portugal, a chance for them to go to college. Who learned a new language, built a business and new home, all after the age of 40 as a means to continue to provide for her family.

She left behind the known and started over, again and again.

She is smart, curious and creatively gifted; has been a seamstress for over 70 years that creates beautiful clothing [and still can’t quite understand why I intentionally cut holes in my jeans, but she has finally given up asking why with me 😂]. She does all the things. And she loves her family fiercely. And her love language is constantly trying to feed us all the food.

And there is so much more she is capable of and so much she still wants to accomplish. Tonight she said to me “I’m a dreamer, and I constantly think, what I want to do tomorrow and next month, and next year… and I’m so old, but I still have so much I want to do and learn”.

She has many stories to tell. So many memories. I swear, she remembers things that happened 75 years ago and I can’t remember what I did last week.

I wonder, had she been born in another time, with more freedom as a woman, as the dreamer she is, who knows what she would have created, though, she has created a lot despite those societal barriers.… and there is so much more I don’t know, because for years I couldn’t get past my resentment and fear and bring myself to stand close enough to her to witness. This is something I am actively working to change.

I realize that I have always wanted in theory to be close with her, but felt blocked. And the cool thing is, that now, as her and I both get more honest about life and the way things were and the way they are different now, we are slowly but surely meeting each other, really for the first time. And it feels different. It feels, still a little uncomfortable, but full of potential. 

I couldn’t meet her in this space— a space of openness and receptivity— until I got out of my own way. And I also needed to speak things to her, that aren’t easy for me. But because I have, and because it’s my truth, She accepts me as I am. And what I have found, is she is a better listener than I ever gave her credit for. We both needed to make amends for ways that we had projected out onto the other. And that is happening, one conversation at a time.

And now that I have let her know how stifling it is to have her projections of who she thinks I should be [based on who the world told her for years she needed to be as a woman], or what she thinks I should be worried about [as a result of her fears and worries], she gives me more space to breathe, and subsequently we both breathe a bit easier, and our conversations get a bit deeper; with more listening, more love— more trust.

I didn’t realize that so much of my frustration for all these years came from the feeling that everyone had this idea of who I was, but never really stopped and looked closely enough to see beneath the surface, never truly saw me or knew me. So there were a lot of assumptions, or a comfort in how I did show up, but it was never me. And that was the part that felt so lonely, so unsafe. And it goes both ways. But in finding me, I’m finding my way to connections within a space that I always have desired but never knew before how to bridge that gap. I didn’t realize that all it really requires is love and a willingness to be fully and unapologetically me and giving others the opportunity and loving space to do the same.

This is about my relationship with my grandmother. And it’s about a bigger, deeper healing that is taking place.

Women coming together, from different generations, remembering how to relate to one another. Sharing stories. Getting honest and raw about what it’s like being a woman in this world, and how that has shifted over time. Breaking down the acceptance of what we “should be grateful for” while the world has done its best to tame us, and bit by bit, shedding the false skin we’ve been wearing, so we can see the true beauty and magic of the wild, creative spark, the life force that lives in our bones and cannot be stripped from us.

Tonight I spent time with the matriarch of my family. We shared space, we talked about relationships— marriage, divorce, family; curiosities about what happens to us after we die and how the Holy Spirit [how she resonates] or Divine [as I prefer to refer to this big energy] lives through us; religion vs. spirituality; the challenges of being human.

A few tears were shed.

And I am feeling full— for this time was nourishing in a way that I can’t describe and I feel hopeful that I will get to know and share more, about the powerhouse of a woman packed in a 5”1’ frame, that is my grandma Maria.

***

Day 10/28: I don’t have much to say other than, i’m grateful for the unfolding that is happening in my life in this present season. It’s too much to describe, and i’m attempting to in these little daily chunks. And I can’t wait to look back on this at some time in the future and witness from the distance how much life can happen in such a short period of time if we are just willing to lean into our fears and take it all in. There is so much juice to this life in the seemingly small moments. I am grateful for this day, for your presence here; for how much is truly possible when we are willing to open ourselves to all that we don’t know. This. Life. Is. Wild. And beautiful. And messy AF. And magical.

Have a beautiful evening, beautiful humans… I’ll see you soon.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

a {royal} conjunction

Waxing crescent moon in Leo

who am I to say that we met on this day…

as sun and moon collide under the same sign,

a royal conjunction

kings and queens of the celestial jungle

light years away from you and what we were.

for I’m only just now remembering

◇

what are these whispers and curious wanderings,

but a breadcrumb of irrational knowing.

A familiar significance.

I don’t know you, but I know you.

a piece of me wandering this earth outside of self

an out of body experience if you will

invisible threads connected;

devoid of logic or proof;

inextricably tethered.

◇

under this same sky, a divine union was born. 

and though our union is forged amidst the fire of the golden one; 

today it rained and poured;

and I walked.

I thought about you, and me. 

ancient memories 

curiously creating what comes next

soaking in wonder

that space where imagination meets soul.

manifesting history; remembering the future.

A glorious reprieve from the suffocating heat of this midsummer day.

◇

⟪⟨ 𝚜𝚞𝚗 + 𝚖𝚘𝚘𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚓𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚝 𝚕𝚎𝚘 ☼☽ weaving together past and future, now. ⟩⟫

---

{Day 3 of 28 day moon cycle writing challenge. word play as I explore the edges of the irrational yet felt. letting go of logic and practical and diving into the deep end. karmic lessons; soul contracts; who we were to one another in past lives; memories just beneath the surface.}

Today, like yesterday was a bit of forcing the words to weave themselves into something as my physical body feels quite exhausted.Great things happening in the mundane spaces [day-to-day life], but i’m recognizing quickly that I have to rebuild my stamina and do a better job creating pockets of rest for myself as I step back into holding space with clients, especially if I want to be able to create something every day during this challenge. My intention in documenting how I’m feeling [behind the scenes so to speak] comes from genuine curiosity to see how my internal cycle and the cycle of the moon play off one another or work together, how it affects my flow and creative process. If there are particular times of the day/week where I tap into flow more fluidly; noticing where my edges are, and learning to discern between when it’s time to walk away for a bit vs. when it’s time to lean in and dig a little deeper. Keeping track of how often I want to throw my hands up and say “screw this", i’m not feeling it” [so far i’ve felt that way every one of these three days and a lot of the writing has been happening in the evening, after 5pm]. As always, thanks for journeying with me, have a beautiful evening!

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Artwork from the Morgan-Greer Tarot deck.

{two years ago, today.}

Waxing Crescent, Moon in Leo

Two years ago today, I died;

July 21, 2018, a date forever seared in memory.

many deaths took place that day.

an intricate weaving of rhythm and melody,

beautifully chaotic harmony carrying me to the agonizing crescendo;

and concluding in an indescribable synchronistic calamity.

the type of ending that leaves you breathless;

Divine cataclysm.

◇

A diamond in the rough, forged by impossible pressure, torn from the womb;

carried aboveground, delivered by the tricksters, Odin’s winged messengers

taunting me, crying out in mimicking tones; deeper into familiar uncharted territory

volcanic eruption of deeply buried memories

broken open; bleeding out

liberated in heartbreak

loss to be found; the greatest gift.

◇

[In your eyes]

stars are born, souls collide

a universe unraveled; a journey back—

to inner sanctum; to soul; to self

a sweet reprieve; the most delicious exhale

safety in the abyss

home.

in your eyes, I am home;

in your absence I found me.

oh sweet paradox.

[in your eyes]

***

{July 21, 2018: Reflecting on a day that will forever be one of the most intensely painful and transformative days of my life. Sitting with familiar tension in deep reverence and gratitude for the perfection in the unfolding.}

---

This was day 2 of my 28 day moon cycle writing challenge I am giving myself. I struggled to get anything to flow today, and the only thing that got me through was the commitment I made to myself and a little bit of “i’m running out of hours in the day” magic [you procrastinators know what i’m talkin about ;)]. Part of this challenge is seeing if I can notice any themes or alignment with my creativity, flow and energy as it relates to the actual moon, which is why i’m tracking it in at the beginning of each other posts. I hope you have a beautiful day, wherever you are in the world, and as always, I so appreciate your taking the time to be here, to read my words and take this journey with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Free Spirit: A Legacy of Love

Day 1: New Moon In Cancer

***

“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”

- Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

Yesterday, a woman by the name of Marguerite Porete was brought into my consciousness...

A woman who was deemed a threat to the dominating structures of power that existed during her time. Who lost her life through speaking what felt true in her heart and standing for her personal divine sovereignty, and as an offering in reflection to what is available within us all. Marguerite was burned at the stake in the year 1310AD as a heretic, because she refused to recant the beliefs she wrote about in her book “The Mirror of Simple Souls”.

She was murdered for speaking about personal empowerment. For attempting to share that this way of being in union with the divine, is accessible to all from within.

That’s wild, right? Or is it? For those of you who have dug into history and the goings on of those times, this won’t seem too out of the ordinary in terms of operating procedures. But now, on July 20, 2020, are things so much different [outside of the obvious not being burned alive part]? Not the outcome but the energy behind the punishment…the judgement and condemnation; the violence that stems when the status quo puts up massive resistance against anyone who dare step out of the boxes of what has been deemed acceptable, “good” or polite in our current society. Are we really so different today?

Are we curious or fearful of those individuals on this [beautiful yet harrowing] journey back to self—the reclamation of personal sovereignty— who merely stop showing up in the world in a way that is comfortable and familiar and conforming?

Who instead of fitting in have been unsubscribing to the status quo as absolute truth, and instead fact checking it against the internal knowing—soul truth, with a discerning heart— and when appropriate, choose to show up differently, as a more authentic version of self. Not in rebellion for the sake of it, or needing to stake a claim as an individual, but for the sake of honoring the truth that suddenly begins to pour from their own hearts and can no longer be denied. Taking up space in their authentic way as a means to thrive as whole beings.

How dare they be empowered from within; [with the very same source energy that has the capacity to flow through all of us, if we were to clear out the blocks keeping it outside of self that is].

How dare they take up space unapologetically. [And I don’t mean taking up space or ways of being that are physically harming anyone. I mean, taking up the space they were brought here to take up, with fierce grace and compassion; divinity in motion.]

How dare they, right? Or is it, how brave they are… for these are the beings— leaders of the reclamation of soul— bringing back humanity to the forefront in a world suffocating in the absence of it. Acting in service to and for humanity. And yet, in this current climate, how do we perceive, receive and judge them?

How we judge says a lot more about us personally, than them. And often is a byproduct of our perpetual striving to attain this elusive concept of divinity— and subsequently avoid proximity to those that would be deemed “sinful” so we don’t catch it— so that we can secure our future seat at the good table. Funny thing is, divinity was and never has been outside of our grasp. Nothing to be strived for, only awakened to. A remembering. Something to be lived here and now, in this life.

That can be a hard pill to swallow. Because the mirror “those ones” hold up, reflects an unfamiliar “face” of the sacred space we all have the capacity to occupy— if we are willing to get uncomfortable and begin questioning everything that we have adopted as absolute. The knee-jerk judgements inevitably come in as a result of unconscious conditioning— that says anything outside of our narrow paradigm is a threat to our safety and survival— and suddenly, as a result, showing up in the unadulterated and unfiltered love that each and every one of us is, feels too dangerous, too exposed from an unconscious frame of reference. Especially to those unacquainted with such a beautiful intensity.

How uncomfortable we have been with the presence of true unconditional love.

Could you even identify it when you are in the presence of it? Do you realize that love can come in an infinite number of [packages] and flavors, not always palatable or comfortable, sometimes gentle, other times intense, and yet all love, just the same?

Have you ever felt instinctive unease, suspicion or threatened when someone shows genuine affection or vulnerable expression, especially out loud, in public, outside of the designated “acceptable” spaces and places?

Love is an energy that is infinite and fluid, not to be owned or managed.

Love is not attachment.

Sit with that for a moment.

This kind of love i’m attempting to describe, the unconditional variety, is an energy that asks nothing from and is interested only in being witnessed. It doesn’t need something from you to survive. It doesn’t take from and it isn’t about control and domination or power of any sort. It just is. Absolute and all encompassing.

And it seems counterintuitive, but we have been conditioned to be in rejection of this energy we are all comprised of. Why? Maybe because it can be so intensely transformative and we have not yet built the stamina to stand in and receive; allow it to move and affect us. Maybe because personally empowered beings, flowing with unconditional love are really hard to manage and control.

I can’t say absolutely, but I do know the consequence of this rejection: we hold it away, keeping it from getting too close, villainize it and thereby suffocate love— out of this need for it to show up in a form that is palatable and digestible for us [translation: into something comfortable that we can control]. We want it, we crave it and we are terrified of all the ways it moves us, so we strangle love into attachment by attempting to force it into a box.

And as a result, we are disconnected from our humanity and connection to the wholeness and truth of who we really are.

For that reason, most of us have never experienced true, unconditional love; have yet to sit with the tension within of our own composition that is this potent life force energy.

And in order to maintain the status quo, “dominator consciousness”— the power and control dynamics the overwhelming majority of this world currently operates within—there is a package we have been taught that we must come wrapped in to be acceptable [translation: safe]. This usually is some version of tame, polite, ”good”, selfless. The wild, unapologetic and loving self, uninhibited by the dictations of those needing our conformity in order to maintain; sovereign and whole beings, empowered from within are absolutely a threat to that structure’s very foundation.

“And this is what made her work so dangerous. She didn’t need the direction of the church, or any external spiritual authority, but rather just the voice of love that existed within her”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

Free Spirit

I got a tattoo on my left forearm in early 2018 that says “free spirit”. At the time, it was because something was stirred within, an inner recognition sparked after I had been called a “free spirit” by a male authority figure [in a space I was working at the time]. And it wasn’t because he meant it in an encouraging or congratulatory way. No, he couldn’t find another term to describe me, but felt saying it out loud would be a slight. How do I know this? Well, because he prefaced it with “So don’t take this the wrong way, but….” and it ended with “you’re kind of, you know, a free spirit”. And I smiled at him and asked “why would I take that the wrong way? I am a free spirit”. And the look of confusion and the angle at which his head tipped to the side led me to believe he was a bit confused by my statement of acceptance of the title.

Fast forward to yesterday. I never knew that there was a whole group of people who were referred to as The Bretheren of the Free Spirit*, mainly between the 13th-15th century, and in learning about Marguerete Porete [diving down the rabbit hole of Wikipedia], I not only learned a bit more about what was considered heresy in those times—that would lead someone to lose their life— but I felt a deep resonance with this woman and her journey. And sadly, not surprised by the almost comical hypocrisy of what these acts were carried out in the name of.

I also now understand why the unconscious response to someone who is not confined by the suffocating guidelines, dictated through structures built upon patriarchal foundations, is fear and resistance/rejection. Someone, especially a woman, whose esteem is sourced from within and doesn’t need the approval of the outside world to be embodied and in deep reverence of their worthiness, truth, and inherent value— I get why those people [my kind of people] seemed dangerous to the very core of those who held the majority. Those who subscribe to the notion that power is finite and must be taken or given in order to be powerful could not “afford” to allow people to realize they had the capacity to be empowered from within. Could not hold the tension of each one of us being sacred and whole unto self. It would completely destabilize the structure that all else was [and still is for the record] built upon.

I would also argue, that those trapped in the finite/scarcity model of power couldn’t/cannot recognize the ability to be sovereign and independently empowered in themselves, so how could they hold space for and witness it in others?

Free spirit has taken on an entirely new meaning as I look down at my arm, as I type these words. In another time, I would have likely lost my life over my deep belief, in alignment with Marguerite, the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, and the many others that came to this nous in their own right, independently of any outside influence or teachings: those humans that by just being, remembered the truth; who in finding their love, achieved union with the divine, from within. And again these words I shared at the beginning ring so powerfully in my heart:

“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”

There is some potent energy swirling in this wild time of human history and what i’d like to close out on is an offering in the form of a reflection— what i’ve been noticing within myself over the last 48 hours. Old wounds being activated around being misunderstood or misinterpreted and having my words or intentions twisted into something malicious when they are wholly benevolent in nature. Or others projections in response to my authentic expression, and their preconceived notions and beliefs around what is “good” and what is “evil” or “bad”. I’ve been knocked into deep reflection because of the intensity of the trigger felt within my body as these instances occurred— mostly my old “being good” narrative being pinged— and I had to take some time to unpack what my reaction to the outside information was really about. This is my work in action.

So i’ll also invite you to witness, if you feel so called— from an observers curiosity— the moments or experiences in the forms of people and interactions and the internal response to external stimuli as it relates to stories around belonging and safety/survival. The stories and old beliefs around who you feel you have to be in order to be accepted, loved, worthy. When you notice these themes coming up, just watch, with curiosity, kindness and non-judgement and see where it leads you…

The messages I’m receiving in response to my own witnessing, the support and synchronicities all around me are pointing toward:

-Boundaries. Not to keep others out, but to stand, grounded in love, palms out and open, with that aforementioned fierce grace and compassion.

-To continue on this path, even when there are days where it would be easier to cave, to be polite and apologize for the space I’m occupying, or to go along with those that are operating from a paradigm of who we need to be before we are worthy of love, belonging, success, etc.

-To witness my reactions to the projections, discern between defensiveness and lack of alignment with my own values and meet it always with love, even if my love could also be misinterpreted. To be me fully, not asking anyone else to be like me, and also not apologizing for the space that feels true in the depths of my being [i’m a sacral authority for you HD folks, so my truth often time calls to me from sacred womb space kind of depths].

And on this new moon, in the sign of cancer, that is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry**, the intentions i’m setting, the lesson i’ve taken from everything swirling, conspiring for me, is a looking back, to honor the legacy of love— and the fear that has labeled “free spirit” as a dirty word. As profanity. As heresy. And reclaiming it as the legacy of the divine— the beauty way that it truly is— that I feel will bring us into a new era of humanity, if we allow it to move us. If we are willing to do the internal excavation and reclamation work that will allow it to flow through us.

And I’m being called deeper within still. Peeling back new/old layers that no longer serve this current iteration of “me” but instead keep old karmic wounds festering. Giving these wounds new fresh air to breathe, and thereby heal.

Liberation of soul.

Free spirit, a legacy of love…

As within, so without.

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Happy New Moon and thank you beautiful human for being here on this wild journey with me. Referenced amidst my post was an excerpt from a new moon reading around the presence of goddess Isis energy that I wanted to share here as an offering as it feels relevant in this moment [Isis currently transiting over my 8th house Scorpio South Node so extra juicy vibes for me]:

“Isis is making a harmonious trine to the new moon, bringing in some really big, beautiful healing energy. Cancer is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry, so there is potential for ancestral healing. Uncovering how ancestral patterning can play into our stories of self-worth, success, relationships etc. and how this affects us on an emotional level. With this new moon we have the opportunity to move forward with less entanglements from the past, and who better to support us than Isis, with her ancient wisdom and high vibe healing magic.”

-by Alexis Bolvin (@alexismidnightmusings on IG)

and finally a little nugget of wisdom from one of my favorite decks that I pulled last night:

“When your journey requires that you stand apart from the crowd, don’t be afraid to embrace your outsider status and the freedom it bestows upon you— to think differently and objectively analyse what isn’t working with the clarity that comes with a more remote point of observation. Your unconventional views may cause discomfort to some at first, but it is of the good sort. This sort of discomfort can stimulate a healing crisis, a divine disruption that cracks faulty belief systems, making way for inspired innovation and radical improvement.”

-“Earth Warrior's Oracle”

***

Out of curiosity and a little challenge to myself, I am going to write a post a day, 28 days, for one complete cycle of the moon. Reflections from the observers perch, what’s swirling inside of me in the present moment and in response to the world around me. The only “rule” i’ve given myself is that I have to write/edit/post all within the same day. I’m interested to see what comes through me during this time, how my expressions may or may not be influenced by the transitions of the moon and what unfolds between now and next month.

Thank you for taking the time to be here in this space witnessing me, in my authentic expression. And I would, as always, love to hear what was sparked or that resonated, that you have taken from away from this reflection…

Be well, honor your energy, your journey and your love.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brethren_of_the_Free_Spirit

A W A K E N I N G

4.14.20

[from the journal series]

Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy.

It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn't. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.

I think back to the “before” me and I know I was her. The memories and sting of pain, shame, dampened spirit still can be brought into visceral experience, but it’s like I don’t know that woman anymore. She is not me. And she is. So much has fallen away from that former life that it’s hard to describe to those who only know this version of me.

Awakening is brutal and beautiful. It is the most gut wrenching, confusing, shit show of a mess, and there is this depth of knowing that it’s on purpose, that it’s true. It’s perfect in a newly defined way. A never ending exploration of the paradox and dualities of being a human, being. Infinite soul living this temporary experience. It’s a learning: to sit with the tension of seemingly contradictory truths— both, and.— and a witnessing. It comes in waves; a series of moments and the moments between [the Void]. It's an unfolding marked with “a-ha’s”, accented by darkness

It certainly would have been easier to stay where I was.

But I would have been trading one type of death for another. Had I stayed where I was, in my marriage, in the corporate climb; had I stayed white knuckle gripped to my striving to be the “good-girl”, having it all together and approved of by anyone and everyone, my soul would have collapsed on itself. I would have been alive, but I would be a shell— appealing from the outside, pretty even, but putrid and rotting on the inside.

When I talk about this path I’ve been on, that I guide other’s through, I tell them that they have a choice— whether to step in or not— and I do believe that. And then, when I think back to my journey and experiences, I know rationally I chose to do the hard and scary things, but it was never about that. Don’t get me wrong: it was fucking hard. To not just be open to and feel what it is to exist in the world on a day to day basis, but to dig into lifetimes of repressed shit, a lot of mine and plenty that isn’t mine to carry yet has been absorbed along the way, has left me feeling like a fucking lunatic some days. Wondering if it will ever end, “am I doing this right?”, “Whats the point of it all”, “no seriously, am I fucking crazy?!?”.

I had a choice.

It just always felt like no good or easy choice, there only was the choice. And especially at the beginning, by the time I got to the point of making it— of changing my status quo— things had gotten so uncomfortable in some ways it felt like: “If I stay in this place, I die. If I leave, it’s going to hurt like hell, but i’ve got a shot”.

In many ways it was life or death.

I wonder if there is a gentle path to waking up? If so, I’ve yet to hear about it. I do know i’ve been forged through the fires of initiation, and there is more to come, always, but it’s as though my mind can’t allow me to feel the intensities of what the last few years has been like. It just feels absolute. Like the steps I had to take. As though there was never another way for me. Like the truth I need.

It’s the truth I need like I need air to breathe; absolute. 

Now, fuck if I know where it’s taking me, but it’s taking me. It’s a bizarre experience to witness Self in hindsight, to see the inevitability of it all as though a car crash is happening in slow motion in front of me. How every moment, choice, person, seeming misstep was like a perfectly choreographed dance leading to well…destruction. But, like, in the best and most awful sort of way. And while I don’t know specifically where it is leading me, or where it will call “plot twist” and have me reeling, in a pile of ash and charred bones, it does in fact feel like a dismantling of a structure designed to keep caged the wild ones. Destruction for liberation.

It feels guided with a pinpointed intentionality smothered in what feels often like chaos. Especially in the midst of it all. And the deeper I relinquish into Soul, the more I shed, and the more intimate I become with surrender, the more viscerally I feel the knowing— the more I welcome it, even though there is an awareness that it will likely hurt more than a little bit. And my Catalyst?

Suffocation.

Needing air to breathe and knowing when the air became too thin— too hard to come by— that death of one form or another was imminent. And with death, inevitably came change [on the immediate horizon].

Interesting that this virus is infiltrating our systems and stripping away our ability to get the oxygen we need for our organs to thrive— it’s literally suffocating us. In the microscopic depths— our life blood that flows through our veins— that needs oxygen to survive. Without it, imminent death. 

Suffocation walking us into awakening.

Drawing a personal parallel, it’s like my need for the felt experience of truth. Without it— something in me, somewhere in me, warning bells sound— something is wrong: DANGER.

And at times the suffocation was so slow and imperceptible that I didn’t even notice it until I found myself dizzy, disoriented, gasping for air. 

Corona virus as a personal metaphor for the fear— that kicks me out of truth and binds itself as a mimic, fooling even my keenest senses for a bit, until all of a sudden— I feel it, that perceptible shift, something’s not right. Something is not true.

And my healing: It’s a going into the depths, clearing out the muck that is weakening my immunity and alchemizing the infiltrated cells in order to bring it all back to balance. To true north. To the highest good. To truth.

I need Truth like I need air to breathe.

This is my awakening journey.

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[in R E F L E C T I O N]

“A W A K E N I N G” was birthed as a journal flow I wrote about 2 weeks ago, reflecting on my own awakening journey as I was in the process of reading “More Myself: A Journey” by Alicia Keys and the last paragraph or so I had read before I started journaling one evening where she was reflecting on her process of waking up…

In many ways I was on the path to waking up for years before I really knew what it was. Before I could see what was happening. I knew things were changing, but I didn’t have language, context, role models or community to look toward for support or even a nod that I was going the right way. It just felt like no comfortable options were left and I had to choose the one that would give me a chance to breathe instead of continuing to suffocate [in the boxes created mainly of my own volition based on the messages picked up along the way]. I didn’t know at the time it was my soul crying out— to be witnessed, to be known— to lead the way.

I didn’t realize that the betrayals piling up were like shovels full of dirt thrown on a shallow grave.

I didn’t know until I couldn’t breathe and was forced to start asking “why?”.

And by “ couldn’t breathe” I mean I was actually having minor and sometimes major panic attacks before I walked into the home I shared with my husband at that time— I *literally* couldn’t breathe. I had already been in chronic physical pain for years at that point and most days I felt like a zombie because of the pain, the fact that my sleep was complete garbage and what I came to recognize were other factors that were crushing me.

I still didn’t begin to “see” [not with my actual eyes— but from glimpses into my soul] for quite a while after big change was set in motion, what those were all actually symptoms of. In fact, it took about five years for the big peeling back to really get underway. At that time, now eight years ago, I made one big life changing choice that gave me a little space to breathe, got me out of imminent “danger” [my partner at the time, to be clear was not a dangerous person for me to be physically around, so when I say danger I don’t mean he ever would have intentionally hurt me, definitely not physically, but I was hurting]. And from that point, eight years ago, I continued to do things that were betrayals to the essence of who I am, for years after.

In fact, I spent the next 5 years running; distracting and numbing, punishing myself and trying to avoid freeing myself from the cage of crushing shame and blame I had assigned to myself.

I was running from the truth.

Because I didn’t know what my truth even was and I wasn’t ready to go about to business of dismantling and diving in deep to find it. It wasn’t time then.

So, instead of seeking more truth after the initial “aha” from the universe that something was off and leaving— ending that chapter of my life— I punished myself for choosing what was a “yes” in my Soul. I see in hindsight it was because my choosing me, meant I hurt someone else and I didn’t even realize at the time that I didn’t believe that I was actually allowed to do that: to be that selfish. Everything I had known up to that point was to be a good girl, and good girls do not hurt other people for their own inner peace. Even to save our own lives. But that is a story for another day... 

All the time spent in between the “ aha” moments of recognition— that time making decisions out of my values and integrity, accepting crappy behavior from others and matching said crappy behavior; continuing to numb and distract and trying to force myself into a life that didn’t fit anymore— those times are also the perfection of the journey.

How can I see that as perfection? Because it gives contrast and forces truth to the surface. It’s all on purpose and it comes for you in its way, and in the divine timing of your souls unique path. And even the days/weeks/years that you feel you are fucking everything up, that you are lost and can’t find your way out of the darkness; when you are numb and distracted and you are starting to witness how much so— yet you can’t seem to get out of the patterns and habits— yea, that’s a part of it too. It’s all part of it. The highs and lows, when you are at your best and worst. I know that can feel pretty screwed up. And from the human level of processing, it absolutely is. But it also is true. 

All to say: Awakening is messy and inconvenient. Shedding old skin is at best uncomfortable; it can’t be comfortable as we need a certain motivation to lean into the metaphorical death of transformation in order to be reborn. Otherwise we would keep wearing and being weighed down by old, dull, dried out skin that maybe looks like us but that we have outgrown; that no longer serves our highest good. 

There is no path to true Soul retrieval and liberation that is not forged by some version of the metaphorical fire. 

And as i'm over here painting this picture of fire/death and destruction and *likely* scaring the crap out of you; as you may be thinking “oh hellllllll no” and possibly considering getting the hell off this page [and if that’s where you are I always honor that], you may also be wondering “why” and to that I will say: First and always because it’s true and as previously stated: I need truth like I need air to breathe.

And it’s also something that I have a niggling suspicion, that if you aren’t already feeling the inward nudge of recognition that you may be in the process of this grand undoing in order to become; if you have a sinking feeling in the pit of your gut [womb space] that it’s coming for you: It’s already happening.

I have this overwhelming feeling that it’s coming for more than a few of us at this time in our human history— possibly more collectively than ever before. We are birthing something new into the world right now, whether we are a conscious and active participant or not. There is a weaving happening beneath the surface, outside of what the rational mind can even comprehend and it’s beautiful and messy and hard and True.

And while it is all the stuff we have spent a lifetime [or multiple lifetimes] avoiding, because it is painful AF, or because we are flat out afraid, it is also the greatest gift there is. To be alive in this time. With the communities and access to information and wisdom we can tap into. To have the opportunity to come home to Soul truth. To sink deeper and deeper into the bones, into the knowing and sense of trust in all that unfolds. To step fully into our individual power.

It is a gift like no other. 

It is also the path to liberation. It is the path to unconditional love. And there is something so beautiful about feeling that contrast. The Knowing. I can’t adequately express with words the everything that it is, just that it is everything. And sometimes it fucking sucks. It’s both. 

So, as I am only beginning to scratch the surface on this awakening exploration, I will leave you with this simple and deeply resonant quote I love from “Women Who Run With the Wolves” from Rosario Castellanos, *Mexican mystic and ecstatic poet [who] writes about surrendering to the forces that govern life and death:

"…dadme la muerte que me falta…”

“…give me the death I need…”

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Thank you as always for coming on these journeys inside my mind with me… I would love to hear your reflections on “Awakening” and what it sparked within you. And if you know of anyone who would benefit from my words, please do not hesitate to forward and share.

I truly believe this is a time where more of us than ever are getting the call to wake up and I know firsthand how confusing and overwhelming this journey is. My goal is always to try to put words behind deeply felt senses and that which is unseen and hard to explain, so I hope you can feel the truth behind the words, even when the words may not make sense. This is a space of exploration and curiosity, kindness and non-judgement, and if you are looking to dive deeper into this awakening journey and are seeking a guide, I would be honored to support you on this magnificently messy and beautiful path of Coming Home. You can contact me at info@nicolettebernardes.com.

Stay safe, make being witness a part of your practice, and with so much gratitude and always LOVE,

*”Excerpt from Women Who Run With the Wolves” ,from the story “Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter; Clarissa Pinkola Estés,