𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐚𝐩 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐧 // 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒄𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 + 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚⁠⁠

⎜The gap between perception and reality.⁠ Cracks I've stepped through time and time again.⁠ A shedding of identities, lives, masks, circumstance, fears and limitations; and in this season, gallons of trauma i'm not even sure is mine ["mine" being a contradictory concept at the moment]. Yet here, in this space is what I feel. Viciously churning sea water, throat burning as another wave throttles me as I struggle to catch my breath. Over and over and over. ⁠⁠

⎜Shades mask a fatigue of ancient proportions- cracks along the edges of eyes. A result of a weary soul and a life only part lived.⁠⁠

⎜Showing in snippets what this world struggles to look directly at: a collection of experiences that if printed and bound, would culminate in a body of work that would read like some never-ending horror show of humanity's darkest and most devious potentials; everywhere, everyday, in every moment. Unconscious perpetration and equally so, intense and violent upholding of [the status quo].⁠

⁠⎜And amidst the carnage lies the paradox: the beauty of this place. Viscerally painful to witness in its unfiltered everything. To take it all in at once requires a stamina earned; nearly unbearable intensity. It's no wonder we struggle to see it. The beauty. It hurts. And we look away while clawing to maintain our place amidst[History on repeat].⁠⁠

⎜You may think you know something when you lay eyes upon another but what you are intuiting is a perception projected onto a reflective surface- an origin story amidst tall tales created about "them". A witnessing of Self through staring in the mirror of other. ⁠

I am you. You are me.

Our stories;

𝒏𝒐 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝒏𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒙𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒕.

⁠

⎜Humbling lessons amidst the divide attempting to be bridged between divinity and that humane...⁠

⎜Time to get real. ⁠It's all coming to the surface. ⁠Let's finally face it. ⁠So healing may be...⁠

⁠⎜From one human trying to figure it out, to another.⎜I love you. ⁠⎜I see you. ⁠⎜We can do this. ⁠⎜We came here for this. ⁠

𝒎𝒐𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 ⟁ 𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒌𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒍𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 // 𝟸/𝟾/𝟸𝟷⁠

from the journal //

𝒎𝒚 𝒊𝒏𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆𝒔, 𝒐𝒖𝒕 // 𝐚𝐛𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐞⁠

⁠ ⎜meet me in the middle// bring it back to the beginning // Origin stories, autonomy, divine union birthed by balance // Take me back before it all went... ⁠ ⁠

⎟⁠There are moments- in this moment- where an anger- deep and hot and dark, churns in the depths of me. Being taken from, used, betrayed. Manipulations and control tactics implemented in attempts to stifle my flame, my potent life force; out of fear. And I'm angry. And grieving- all the fractures and fragments of my Soul that ran and hid, in order for me to survive; how I performed these amputations of self, in the name of survival. Can I forgive? Will I forgive?⁠ ⁠

⎟⁠This anger- I feel it in my thighs, my hips and back- calling to me, stuck in a simmering ache. Also present: a grief. Attachment born from lifetimes of repression. Memories of loss come flooding in. What the fuck is all of this? Where is it coming from? [grasping for the rational- good luck with that]⁠ ⁠ I am safe. I am safe. On repeat. A necessary mantra. ⁠ ⁠ A door has opened. The collective memoir is being released piecemeal; incoherent chapters and snippets of prose. We are absorbing [remembering]; Big questions formed, answers on the tip of tongues seemingly unable to form words to express...Dreams, stray memories that feel like visions of another time, real-time reminders through physical experience. Righteous rage and bone aching sadness and that feeling that is felt in the instinctive clench of your jaw- crushing teeth to keep from saying the thing that isn't safe, not acceptable; to keep from screaming until you have no breath left and your throat is raw... ⁠ ⁠ ⁠

⎟⁠ ⁠And here I sit. What is this energy? What is mine? What have I been unwilling to surrender? What have I allowed to latch onto and siphon the life from me- what parasite have I allowed to use me as it's host. Mind grasping to sort what is a felt sense, a knowing, a purging, a reclamation. Ebb and flow. I'm tired. How can there be more?

LET GO.

Fucking let it go. ⁠

Let me go. ⁠

You aren't welcome here anymore. ⁠

It hurts too much. It now hurts more to hold on, than it does to let go. ⁠

LET GO. ⁠

Stop distracting. ⁠

Face it. ⁠

I know- it hurts. ⁠

Let it go.⁠

I am safe.

I am safe.

I am safe.

⎜𝒑𝒓𝒐𝒄𝒆𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒖𝒕 𝒍𝒐𝒖𝒅 ⎜⟁ 𝟸/𝟼/𝟸𝟷

// from the journal

back in my body //

ask and ye shall receive //

I thought it was higher heart + throat/jaw… So I asked LOVE, “what is it that wants to be revealed— in this moment, in the highest good? What is the tension in my higher heart/throat/jaw wanting to show me? And as soon as the words left my mouth, I got a little nudge in the form of a burning feeling in my lower belly, on my right side— seems Sacral didn’t want to be left out of the party tonight— and when I asked “is there something here you want to show me??”, tears immediately sprang to the surface— so yea, I suppose there was something Sacral wanted to express. So, again I asked, this time including sacral into the mix, what it was that wanted to be witnessed, acknowledged and I got :

Conflict.

Ok. So I then asked, “what is the conflict between?”

And I received “Conflict between locking down and opening… and LOVE continued…

“All this potent energy in your belly— your fire— in your higher heart and hara— is stuck. It’s stuck in your hips and your legs and knees, your back and feet. It stayed dormant for as long as it could. To give you time to take care of what needed tending, but now it’s ready to fucking move. You’ve been still, depressing this potent life force energy into every corner—every joint that has felt sluggish or stuck— of your being that you could manage in order to integrate and heal. But now you must honor the warrior energy, the athlete you have always been— a physical presence in this world. You must honor the vessel. Care for this magnificent machine in order to build the resilience and stamina for your next steps. Move the energy.

I know you have much resistance to going here, to going hard, to leaning in— I know how much pain you were in for so long. I know how betrayed you felt, by your body and how so much of the joy you had for moving it got wrapped in memories of being incapacitated every time you finally felt you were getting back into a rhythm.

How disheartening it has been. How there are still lingering memories of arguments with him, the one who tried to control and break your will and with it took a place that was like church— as close to sacred space as you knew at that point— for you and turned it into one more place to be hyper-vigilant of your presence, more aware of the space you took up and who was watching and taking responsibility for that. How it was just easier to walk away than fight. How you left pieces of your integrity behind in those spaces.

And now, there doesn’t feel like a space where you belong; in those places you once occupied, so maybe you just need to create your own. Or cultivate a personal practice. Or do your best to wash away the old narratives and look at it with fresh eyes and an open curiosity. But either way, you need to sweat, move, get into your being and shake loose all the dormant gunk. You have to trust that your body will have your back (literally and figuratively) You don’t have to do anything that leaves you in pain— but you do need to get uncomfortable, lean into the resistance and rebuild your vessel.

It was ok that you stepped away from this tending for the time you did, but it’s time to come back. You can be strong and healthy without being in pain. You deserve— your body deserves— that love. And this is an edge of comfort you once knew so well, yet have shied away from for so many years. It’s time to find your way back, in a new way. Breathe fresh life into, integrate what you have gathered and make it FUN again. Make it empowering and authentic to where you are in this moment. Allow it to meet you in this version of you.

I understand the conflict. You have shed so much of that old being that didn’t serve who you truly were, and your athletic pursuits, your competitive nature, was deeply intertwined with that old, not-true self. The loss of identity you experienced after college, when volleyball was all of a sudden done and the whole scary world lay in front of you, and you without a plan; the grief of how it all ended…and how much of that weight you carried as a burden of responsibility and blame— as though it was in your control [it wasn’t], as though it somehow proved and affirmed that you were never good enough all along [ughh this one still has some stank on it]. I know it led you down paths that hurt. A lot. There was nothing you could have known back then that would have prepared you. And because you didn’t know, you were led even further away from you. But it also led you here. To this moment. To this you. You found your way back.

Had it been comfortable and a neat and tidy straight line, would you be here? Without the tension and the pain and the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that something was terribly wrong… would you have started seeking and found this whole world you never had a clue existed? Would you still have made unbearably hard decisions for the sake of your survival, that uncovered all this knowledge and truth? You know you. That type of existence— the comfortable and easy wouldn’t have required any of this of you. And you know now that this is what you are here for. This work. This excavation…

Dear one, it’s time to come back to you. And for you—for your soul. This requires coming back to and rebuilding your relationship with your body. You have to rebuild the physical to mend the spirit it houses. And I know you’re scared, and that’s ok too. It’s ok.

It’s time to integrate. Whole being. You can do this. Trust. Lean into the spaces that feel good— soul filled spaces. Move, and express, and move some more. You know what to do. Trust. You aren’ t the same lost woman you were all those years ago. Say thank you to her for how she led us here, stumbling and uncertain and fucking shit up along the way. She got us here. Witness and honor her fear and hesitation to going back into those places and let her know, she isn’t alone anymore. It’s time to forgive what needs to be forgiven. It’s time to let go of what no longer serves. It’s time to rewrite the narrative and to carve out time and care for your whole self.

I love you. You can do this. LOVE “

***

Day 2// Same drill as yesterday- tuning into my body and asking what wants some attention and then asking whatever questions came to me, to LOVE , and writing out whatever answer LOVE had to give.

I have to say, tonight surprised me a bit. I have been grappling all week with tension in my upper back and chest [for you Be Activated folks, my SCM points (K27 meridian point for you energy practitioners) has been SPICY AF the past few days] and so when I tuned in this evening I wasn’t surprised to feel those areas, but the other aspects of what came up, and the narrative that LOVE answered me with— caught me totally off guard with the emotion I felt behind it.

I have been aware that it’s time for me to get back to tending to my physical body [after I have been very avoidant the past year and a half or so], and is something I am already starting to consciously step back into, but the other threads, the ones that tied the tension to my sacral area to my higher heart— the grief and unprocessed pain that I apparently packed away for a rainy day— are now coming to collect [and oh hey, it just so happens it’s literally raining as I type these words— haha].

I think why I decided to approach this little writing challenge in this way, specifically incorporating the practice of asking self what wants to be witnessed and asking it questions [out loud for me seems to be far more effective that silently in my head for what it’s worth for anyone who wants to give it a shot], was because on some level, I knew this was the way to unpack that which was hidden from my conscious mind. Pretty fucking cool if you ask me. I thought I was starting this challenge to get my creative juices back on-line, but maybe it’s to support this integration of being that i’m focused on and being calling into in this season. Which in turn, will allow me to focus the channeling of my creative energy, with the stamina needed, to bring forward whatever it is I can feel itching to be let loose. Love it. Not the physical tension— headaches and achy joints aren’t my fave— but I do love that my innate wisdom, the knowledge in my body is literally just ready to give me the answers, that serve in this moment, if i’m just willing to ask. And then listen. And then stay with myself through it [ok so maybe it’s not easy, but kinda annoyingly simple].

Any-who my loves, on that note, i’m going to process this a bit more before I go to bed. Thank you for witnessing me bringing to the surface knots of threads I didn’t even realize were entangled. And if this expression has brought anything up for you, I invite you as always to sit with it, witness it with curiosity and maybe ask LOVE , what it is that it needs from you in the moment, that will serve your highest good. Then just pause, breathe and see what happens. And if you are looking to sort it out in a safe container, please connect with me and I would be honored to hold the space and journey with you.

Be well, sweet dreams and until next time ✌🏼

Much love,

Nicolette

Oh, and PS- as I wrote out the title of this post, it brought a dope-ass-song by Maggie Rogers [link takes you to youtube to listen if you are so inclined] by the same name. Thanks Amanda for kicking this one my way last year/

And all along the highway, there's a tiny whispering sound // Saying I could find you in the dark of any town // But all that I am hearing in the poem of my mind // Are silent twisted words finding their way in every line // This time, I know I'm fighting // This time, I know I'm (Back in my body)…

- Maggie Rogers, “Back In My Body”

uncertainty + allowance //

Day 1 // Some context for this expression [also, there is more at the end]: I’m practicing being more intentional about tuning into my body/spirit/energy and both noticing what is present, that may want to just be witnessed, that may want or need to be shifted or cleared; and also asking these aspects of Self, what they need, what they may be trying to tell me. So the following is a reflection of this exercise in tuning into self, asking what wants attention today and then asking LOVE a question to be answered as a support and writing the response in flow...

Today I tuned in and it was uncertainty in the area of my solar plexus and this is what came up for me…

uncertainty //

I find myself stalling— still half embodying my true and full creative expression. Hesitant to share the depths my inner voice speaks from, in that foreign language— sometimes unfamiliar even to me.

I feel envy— jealous of those I see that put it all out there. Those whose creativity seems as though it cannot be contained. I imagine* them liberated, full and flowing; creations spilling out of them just like the stories I create* about their perceived freedom of being. And when I look in the mirror, the artist— that beautiful liberated being— feels so far from the woman I see staring back at me. She still more often than not, feels stuck, blocked, resistant to letting it all loose…

[*calling out that i’m creating stories based on perception and reminding myself that it is my imagination filling in gaps, and that I don’t really know the truth. One of the most valuable tools I have learned on this journey of self awareness is recognizing that we create all sorts of stories based on our own perceptions, judgements, fear, insecurity, etc and there is no shame in that, but keeping a pulse on the fact that I don’t them to be true is really valuable to separate out the truth from the non…

com·par·i·son //

noun ; 1. a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.

Comparison—a dangerous game. Even when, maybe especially when, comparing where we are now to who we think/feel/know we could be. The gap between the current version of self and the “other” whole/free/real being we haven’t yet stepped fully into [or fear we may never become]. And that gap, while in actuality may only be a simple step, decision, or mindset shift away [or even wilder to consider— maybe we already are!? and just can’t/won’t see it], it can feel like the abysmal void— like being lost in the infinity of deep space with not an ounce of gravity to ground us into something real; leaving us feeling untethered to our true being, indefinitely floating.

There was a video I saw on Instagram a few days ago by @sahdsimone about comparison. A beautiful invitation to redirect perspective in those moments when we feel comparison shame creeping in—that not supportive “imagining” we do— to reframe it to something supportive and inspired by saying out loud [to yourself as though you are speaking to the person you are directing the comparison to]:

“thank you for showing me what is possible. May you be happy.”

I love this! And now as I write it out— I’m wondering how I could use that for the gap between who I perceive [+ where I perceive] myself to be, in this moment, and the feeling I get that i’m still only a fraction of Her fullness?

I suppose it’s as simple as saying to self [+ the vision/imagination of who I am capable of becoming]

“[Vision/imagination]— thank you for showing me what is possible. I am grateful for the inspiration it brings me as I continue to grow/become more myself. I love you.”

Reframing the disappointment, frustration/anxiety/self directed pressure to instead being grateful for the daydreaming— you know, those lofty thoughts and visions of what life could be like if there were no limitations— even if it feels crazy or unattainable. Those thoughts that often times we judge as being escapism from the “reality” of our current lives; that we have been told there is nothing productive in our “heads being in the clouds” and to “come back down to earth”{fuck that shit— seriously}— these are precious gifts that can be harnessed if we give them the space and reverence to be; to take root and blossom.

The reason we negate them or allow them to spin us into anxiety [oh hey there, it’s me], is because to open ourselves up to the possibility for something so big, different, uncertain— that’s fucking vulnerable. And it is for sure safer to our ego to be “realistic”. In fact, i’ve been stamping out my capacity to vision and imagine a life I truly desire and want to build for most of my life, in the name of being realistic. And it’s a habit i’m working diligently to break, because I know in my bones, that on the other side of my fear, what comes up in my imagination is the way to the life I came here to live fully.

Is it scary and uncomfortable? Yes. Is it hard to stay in trust some days? Absolutely. It’s why i’m still grappling with this shit. And I also know, that it’s just now my time to break these particular limiting beliefs so I can step into the next, truest version of me. The timing in perfect in my unfolding, as is yours.

So, thank you Soul, Heart, Love, [ME], for allowing me to see what I am in the process of creating [yes, creating— just by visioning]. I can be happy in this moment and excited for where I am moving; how i’m growing. Even when I can’t quite see the fully formed shape of what that looks like, maybe especially when I can’t see— just another invitation to trust in the unfolding...

allowance //

So when I ask LOVE “how do I shift this uncertainty sitting in my solar plexus?” [related to this season of my being and where I am headed next, the aspects of self that still feel trapped— that I am feeling impatience around— and what it will take to release them].

LOVE whispers gently back to me:

“Allowance. Allow yourself to be cared for. Nourished. To move slow, or fast. To sleep. And read. And daydream. To get lost in nature. To make love a meditation and making love a practice in liberation. Speak often and true. Share musings and stray thoughts. One moment, one sliver of awareness at a time… “

allowance.

I am the steward and architect of my life, in co-creation with the divinity of Soul and the agreements I made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through my veins.

[And as within, so without— you are the steward and architect of your life, in co-creation/collaboration with the divinity of Soul and the agreements you made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through your veins.]

And so it is…

***

day 1 // I’m back at it again. I have been feeling stalled in not only my creativity but also in my expression, so i’m back again with another writing challenge to myself. I’m starting with a month of blog posts based on reflective writing exercises, where I am tuning into self, asking “what is asking to be noticed, explored” and seeing what comes up. I have no idea what will come up this go around, but that’s part of the fun, I think ;). I’m sharing here as a place to record and hold myself accountable to this exploration of self, and also as an offering to you; an invitation for you to do your own exploration or possibly find resonance in the specific aspects/themes I happen to be exploring any given day. Thank you for being here with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Nicolette

A W A K E N I N G

4.14.20

[from the journal series]

Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy.

It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn't. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.

I think back to the “before” me and I know I was her. The memories and sting of pain, shame, dampened spirit still can be brought into visceral experience, but it’s like I don’t know that woman anymore. She is not me. And she is. So much has fallen away from that former life that it’s hard to describe to those who only know this version of me.

Awakening is brutal and beautiful. It is the most gut wrenching, confusing, shit show of a mess, and there is this depth of knowing that it’s on purpose, that it’s true. It’s perfect in a newly defined way. A never ending exploration of the paradox and dualities of being a human, being. Infinite soul living this temporary experience. It’s a learning: to sit with the tension of seemingly contradictory truths— both, and.— and a witnessing. It comes in waves; a series of moments and the moments between [the Void]. It's an unfolding marked with “a-ha’s”, accented by darkness

It certainly would have been easier to stay where I was.

But I would have been trading one type of death for another. Had I stayed where I was, in my marriage, in the corporate climb; had I stayed white knuckle gripped to my striving to be the “good-girl”, having it all together and approved of by anyone and everyone, my soul would have collapsed on itself. I would have been alive, but I would be a shell— appealing from the outside, pretty even, but putrid and rotting on the inside.

When I talk about this path I’ve been on, that I guide other’s through, I tell them that they have a choice— whether to step in or not— and I do believe that. And then, when I think back to my journey and experiences, I know rationally I chose to do the hard and scary things, but it was never about that. Don’t get me wrong: it was fucking hard. To not just be open to and feel what it is to exist in the world on a day to day basis, but to dig into lifetimes of repressed shit, a lot of mine and plenty that isn’t mine to carry yet has been absorbed along the way, has left me feeling like a fucking lunatic some days. Wondering if it will ever end, “am I doing this right?”, “Whats the point of it all”, “no seriously, am I fucking crazy?!?”.

I had a choice.

It just always felt like no good or easy choice, there only was the choice. And especially at the beginning, by the time I got to the point of making it— of changing my status quo— things had gotten so uncomfortable in some ways it felt like: “If I stay in this place, I die. If I leave, it’s going to hurt like hell, but i’ve got a shot”.

In many ways it was life or death.

I wonder if there is a gentle path to waking up? If so, I’ve yet to hear about it. I do know i’ve been forged through the fires of initiation, and there is more to come, always, but it’s as though my mind can’t allow me to feel the intensities of what the last few years has been like. It just feels absolute. Like the steps I had to take. As though there was never another way for me. Like the truth I need.

It’s the truth I need like I need air to breathe; absolute. 

Now, fuck if I know where it’s taking me, but it’s taking me. It’s a bizarre experience to witness Self in hindsight, to see the inevitability of it all as though a car crash is happening in slow motion in front of me. How every moment, choice, person, seeming misstep was like a perfectly choreographed dance leading to well…destruction. But, like, in the best and most awful sort of way. And while I don’t know specifically where it is leading me, or where it will call “plot twist” and have me reeling, in a pile of ash and charred bones, it does in fact feel like a dismantling of a structure designed to keep caged the wild ones. Destruction for liberation.

It feels guided with a pinpointed intentionality smothered in what feels often like chaos. Especially in the midst of it all. And the deeper I relinquish into Soul, the more I shed, and the more intimate I become with surrender, the more viscerally I feel the knowing— the more I welcome it, even though there is an awareness that it will likely hurt more than a little bit. And my Catalyst?

Suffocation.

Needing air to breathe and knowing when the air became too thin— too hard to come by— that death of one form or another was imminent. And with death, inevitably came change [on the immediate horizon].

Interesting that this virus is infiltrating our systems and stripping away our ability to get the oxygen we need for our organs to thrive— it’s literally suffocating us. In the microscopic depths— our life blood that flows through our veins— that needs oxygen to survive. Without it, imminent death. 

Suffocation walking us into awakening.

Drawing a personal parallel, it’s like my need for the felt experience of truth. Without it— something in me, somewhere in me, warning bells sound— something is wrong: DANGER.

And at times the suffocation was so slow and imperceptible that I didn’t even notice it until I found myself dizzy, disoriented, gasping for air. 

Corona virus as a personal metaphor for the fear— that kicks me out of truth and binds itself as a mimic, fooling even my keenest senses for a bit, until all of a sudden— I feel it, that perceptible shift, something’s not right. Something is not true.

And my healing: It’s a going into the depths, clearing out the muck that is weakening my immunity and alchemizing the infiltrated cells in order to bring it all back to balance. To true north. To the highest good. To truth.

I need Truth like I need air to breathe.

This is my awakening journey.

---

[in R E F L E C T I O N]

“A W A K E N I N G” was birthed as a journal flow I wrote about 2 weeks ago, reflecting on my own awakening journey as I was in the process of reading “More Myself: A Journey” by Alicia Keys and the last paragraph or so I had read before I started journaling one evening where she was reflecting on her process of waking up…

In many ways I was on the path to waking up for years before I really knew what it was. Before I could see what was happening. I knew things were changing, but I didn’t have language, context, role models or community to look toward for support or even a nod that I was going the right way. It just felt like no comfortable options were left and I had to choose the one that would give me a chance to breathe instead of continuing to suffocate [in the boxes created mainly of my own volition based on the messages picked up along the way]. I didn’t know at the time it was my soul crying out— to be witnessed, to be known— to lead the way.

I didn’t realize that the betrayals piling up were like shovels full of dirt thrown on a shallow grave.

I didn’t know until I couldn’t breathe and was forced to start asking “why?”.

And by “ couldn’t breathe” I mean I was actually having minor and sometimes major panic attacks before I walked into the home I shared with my husband at that time— I *literally* couldn’t breathe. I had already been in chronic physical pain for years at that point and most days I felt like a zombie because of the pain, the fact that my sleep was complete garbage and what I came to recognize were other factors that were crushing me.

I still didn’t begin to “see” [not with my actual eyes— but from glimpses into my soul] for quite a while after big change was set in motion, what those were all actually symptoms of. In fact, it took about five years for the big peeling back to really get underway. At that time, now eight years ago, I made one big life changing choice that gave me a little space to breathe, got me out of imminent “danger” [my partner at the time, to be clear was not a dangerous person for me to be physically around, so when I say danger I don’t mean he ever would have intentionally hurt me, definitely not physically, but I was hurting]. And from that point, eight years ago, I continued to do things that were betrayals to the essence of who I am, for years after.

In fact, I spent the next 5 years running; distracting and numbing, punishing myself and trying to avoid freeing myself from the cage of crushing shame and blame I had assigned to myself.

I was running from the truth.

Because I didn’t know what my truth even was and I wasn’t ready to go about to business of dismantling and diving in deep to find it. It wasn’t time then.

So, instead of seeking more truth after the initial “aha” from the universe that something was off and leaving— ending that chapter of my life— I punished myself for choosing what was a “yes” in my Soul. I see in hindsight it was because my choosing me, meant I hurt someone else and I didn’t even realize at the time that I didn’t believe that I was actually allowed to do that: to be that selfish. Everything I had known up to that point was to be a good girl, and good girls do not hurt other people for their own inner peace. Even to save our own lives. But that is a story for another day... 

All the time spent in between the “ aha” moments of recognition— that time making decisions out of my values and integrity, accepting crappy behavior from others and matching said crappy behavior; continuing to numb and distract and trying to force myself into a life that didn’t fit anymore— those times are also the perfection of the journey.

How can I see that as perfection? Because it gives contrast and forces truth to the surface. It’s all on purpose and it comes for you in its way, and in the divine timing of your souls unique path. And even the days/weeks/years that you feel you are fucking everything up, that you are lost and can’t find your way out of the darkness; when you are numb and distracted and you are starting to witness how much so— yet you can’t seem to get out of the patterns and habits— yea, that’s a part of it too. It’s all part of it. The highs and lows, when you are at your best and worst. I know that can feel pretty screwed up. And from the human level of processing, it absolutely is. But it also is true. 

All to say: Awakening is messy and inconvenient. Shedding old skin is at best uncomfortable; it can’t be comfortable as we need a certain motivation to lean into the metaphorical death of transformation in order to be reborn. Otherwise we would keep wearing and being weighed down by old, dull, dried out skin that maybe looks like us but that we have outgrown; that no longer serves our highest good. 

There is no path to true Soul retrieval and liberation that is not forged by some version of the metaphorical fire. 

And as i'm over here painting this picture of fire/death and destruction and *likely* scaring the crap out of you; as you may be thinking “oh hellllllll no” and possibly considering getting the hell off this page [and if that’s where you are I always honor that], you may also be wondering “why” and to that I will say: First and always because it’s true and as previously stated: I need truth like I need air to breathe.

And it’s also something that I have a niggling suspicion, that if you aren’t already feeling the inward nudge of recognition that you may be in the process of this grand undoing in order to become; if you have a sinking feeling in the pit of your gut [womb space] that it’s coming for you: It’s already happening.

I have this overwhelming feeling that it’s coming for more than a few of us at this time in our human history— possibly more collectively than ever before. We are birthing something new into the world right now, whether we are a conscious and active participant or not. There is a weaving happening beneath the surface, outside of what the rational mind can even comprehend and it’s beautiful and messy and hard and True.

And while it is all the stuff we have spent a lifetime [or multiple lifetimes] avoiding, because it is painful AF, or because we are flat out afraid, it is also the greatest gift there is. To be alive in this time. With the communities and access to information and wisdom we can tap into. To have the opportunity to come home to Soul truth. To sink deeper and deeper into the bones, into the knowing and sense of trust in all that unfolds. To step fully into our individual power.

It is a gift like no other. 

It is also the path to liberation. It is the path to unconditional love. And there is something so beautiful about feeling that contrast. The Knowing. I can’t adequately express with words the everything that it is, just that it is everything. And sometimes it fucking sucks. It’s both. 

So, as I am only beginning to scratch the surface on this awakening exploration, I will leave you with this simple and deeply resonant quote I love from “Women Who Run With the Wolves” from Rosario Castellanos, *Mexican mystic and ecstatic poet [who] writes about surrendering to the forces that govern life and death:

"…dadme la muerte que me falta…”

“…give me the death I need…”

◇

---

Thank you as always for coming on these journeys inside my mind with me… I would love to hear your reflections on “Awakening” and what it sparked within you. And if you know of anyone who would benefit from my words, please do not hesitate to forward and share.

I truly believe this is a time where more of us than ever are getting the call to wake up and I know firsthand how confusing and overwhelming this journey is. My goal is always to try to put words behind deeply felt senses and that which is unseen and hard to explain, so I hope you can feel the truth behind the words, even when the words may not make sense. This is a space of exploration and curiosity, kindness and non-judgement, and if you are looking to dive deeper into this awakening journey and are seeking a guide, I would be honored to support you on this magnificently messy and beautiful path of Coming Home. You can contact me at info@nicolettebernardes.com.

Stay safe, make being witness a part of your practice, and with so much gratitude and always LOVE,

*”Excerpt from Women Who Run With the Wolves” ,from the story “Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter; Clarissa Pinkola Estés,