a snapshot in time// los molinos

A snapshot in time

August 2018; Los Molinos, Spain

Talk about descent into darkness...

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August, 2018: My world as I knew it had just burned to the ground— eight weeks in Berlin had been explosive and I was then about a month past the most intense energetic opening and subsequent pouring out I had ever experienced... ⁠
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⎢𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒓 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒙𝒕: because I really like to make things exciting, the day of this breakthrough/burndown, I manically reached out for a lifeline— the man I was dating at the time— as I had convinced myself that if I just heard "it's going to be ok Nicolette" then I could find my bearings, and instead, he broke up with me, through a voice memo from across the ocean😂... so while thats a different story, lets just say, it added a 𝒃𝒊𝒕 of gasoline to the pyre of what was being burned down— a perfect synchronicity to really make sure I left behind what needed to die off.⎥⁠

...I was wandering, sort of here, sort of not. Piecing myself back together. Oscillating between absolutely numb, to feeling everything; from no appetite, to literally shoving as much food into me as I could to fill the hurt spaces; to try to feel something and at the same time to make it stop hurting. ⁠

And in my wandering; from the ashes of my old ideas of identity, who I was and wasn't, how I felt, what I needed and wanted, I found my way to this magical little slice of the world... Los Molinos, Spain, where I spent a few days with a woman, Marina, who walked with me, taught me and held space for my ongoing unraveling. ⁠
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Outside of a few hours of sleep, we talked for almost 3 days straight; it was exhausting and beautiful. ⁠
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She taught me about Enneagram, Human Design and Astrology, we both shared stories of our lives; of heartbreak, our beliefs about love and connection— an evolving concept moment to moment. ⁠
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We held each other as we cried, we cooked meals and wandered around the mountainous desert landscape along the River Aguas where this little village was nestled. ⁠

It was one of those synchronicities- one of the many that summer— ⁠

a special human, with wisdom beyond her years; a big beautifully open and loving heart to hold my aching one; the healing balm of the receptive arms of the feminine energy- a respite I desperately needed. And it was in a magical crystal pool she shared with me, this photo was taken.

Feeling undone + untethered; heavy, exhausted and a little feral; and a wanting to embody— to become—the deep greens, clear waters and shimmering mica walls I was standing amidst.

Another layer, a visceral memory. A moment of gratitude for the winding path I have been on and continue to walk and the amazing souls I have encountered along the way.

⫷⚕︎⫸

Thanks for coming down memory lane with me.

With big love and hugs,

a new layer; exposed

a companion piece to “descent into darkness”

⫷♀︎⫸

“Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak its truth, she is pressured to be silent.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, "Women Who Run With the Wolves

Fighting with my darkness.

I’ve been hiding. While I am perpetually inviting others to embrace the beauty of their whole spectrum of humanity— and I truly believe in that— still on some level, i’ve feared and resisted my own. I’ve held back authentic expressions of the depths and edges I can’t stifle, can’t avoid. I have been [maybe noticeably, maybe not] absent, on social media, with my newsletter and my expressions here; everywhere really—other than my local coffee shops, because hey, I still need some human interaction.

I’ve been MIA, In part it’s because my brain was not cooperating to put my many feelings and thoughts into form; another part of it has been that i’ve felt overwhelmed, overstimulated and just didn’t want to engage with the world. But then there is something else…

I have felt the internal groan of “ugghhh, not another gloomy, moody expression about the underworld, depths, depression, how untethered and uninspired I feel”— since that is basically what I have felt to express almost every time I sit down to put pen to paper over the last year or so. And I have felt like a broken record. Repeating over and over the most intensely uncomfortable track. And the narrative of “nobody wants to hear this story line again” has been staring me down as it plays on repeat in the background of my mind.

And maybe you don’t want to hear it; but that’s not really the point. The point is I have allowed it to keep me from sharing the full, unfiltered truth about the landscapes I have been traversing. And because as I will share in a moment, I have been getting what I asked for, a loving, present and grounded man who wants to do this life dance together— all in—and I love and trust him… and i’m still not “good”.

I’m still struggling to feel a deep sense of connection with myself or other. In actuality, i’m facing, more aggressively the recognition of how little I trust and allow myself to be vulnerable; how unsafe I think i’ve always felt—especially in intimacy—but i’m just noticing it now. And that feels challenging [understatement]. It brings up a lot of deep grief and a lot of questions. And one of those questions is “what is missing?”, meaning what parts of me are not functioning that would otherwise allow me to feel safe, connected and satisfied with life— and where have they gone?

I’ll tell you what, it’s not a fun space to be sitting in. So while I haven’t shared the whole truth, avoidance has been the go to because i’m not about to be up in here not being real. But with the avoidance of expressing I’ve found myself in a more chaotic space in my mind where the judgement and shame run rampant. And that’s a problem. By not expressing, i’ve felt more stuck, more confused and then more judgement—of the stuckness, confusion and judgement. In other words making it worse— because if you didn’t already know: what you resist, persists.

I have avoided sharing the fullness of the dark and twisty places my imagination conjures

because I don’t want people to worry about me, or ask if i’m ok, or get sick of me— in my seeming inability to be inspirational and hopeful; as though I need to balance the emo vibes with some form of positivity or certainty or wisdom in the face of uncertainty.

And in the midst of the unwraveling i’ve been going through—i’ve on some level been operating from an old story that goes a little something like: in order to be acceptable, in order for there to be anyone left once the fog clears, I can’t share all of it, it’s too much.

So i’ve withdrawn. And frankly, i’ve been sick of myself; sick of feeling the sadness and grief of lifetimes being exposed and pouring out. Sick of feeling broken and unable to show up in certain areas of my life. And afraid that if I give myself freedom to just share whatever is bouncing around in my mind, who knows what the hell might come out— and that feels a bit dangerous [hello fear of letting go of control, I see you].

Layers of armor are being peeled away to reveal a lot of hurt and fear and uncertainty, showing me things i’ve never been able to see about myself. These experiences are the reckoning i’m having to lean into the deeper I descend. And i’ve not been graceful or grateful about it. I’ve just wanted it to be over.

The thing is, I know that there is nothing actually wrong with where I am; nothing wrong with who I am. And still in the status quo of society it feels unacceptable and as though there is no space that can hold the fullness of me. And even more so— in my body, in memories that feel ingrained in my DNA, it feels dangerous to lean in and explore these spaces. This is something that I have held back on expressing because I judged myself for not being able to be past it, and also didn’t want to scare people away from this work, but I think there are a few really important things to bring in here about this.

The first, is that just because we know our shit— meaning just because we have awareness— doesn’t mean we are magically healed/done with it.. try to give yourself some grace in that there is a lot of unlearning to do before we can learn new, healthier and more sustainable ways of being; and your awareness is a gift, even when it feels like it would be so much better to go back to being blind to it— and I say this with love— it isn’t, better or possible, and acceptance is a much less painful path, I know from experience.

The second thing: we all have trauma, whether it’s our lived experiences, or what has been handed off unhealed to us—and whether or not we remember or have repressed it. I believe that part of our life’s work is about taking ownership of our own healing, without shame or blame or feeling like there is something wrong with us— and holding space for other people to be as messy and clunky and unsure through these layers of healing as we are going to be.

And the third is a loving reminder, for myself and for you: when we have been traumatized, when we carry trauma in our bodies— either from our actual lived experience, our past lives, or that which has gone unhealed and passed along generationally— it’s not as simple as doing the “right things”; meditation, therapy, etc— we have to peel back the layers of conditioned trauma response and be willing to “risk” not operating from that place. And that requires an awareness of how we are reacting to our world— either from an open, compassionate place, or a guarded and hypervigilant, defensive place— and then we have to decide to do something different; to lean into the discomfort that feels dangerous in order to build new patterns that will allow ourselves to step out of the patterned stress response 24/7 to actually rest and digest and recharge and heal what is crying out for our attention.

And to do this we have to to find and/or create safe spaces—

both within our self and in our immediate environments in order to work to untangle the web of habitual trauma/stress/survival response [when it is the type of response that has us constantly on guard] — otherwise we are consistently re-traumatizing and reinforcing to our nervous system that are in fact not safe.

Accepting that we are vulnerable and that we cannot control the world around us, and all that we can control is how we show up and how we react; and then do the best we can with whatever comes up. Whew, no big deal right?

[I hope it’s not lost in translation that i’m being cheeky here, this is big, big brave and confronting work and I understand why we do our best to avoid it, and also hold deep reverence for how necessary and urgent it is that more of us take this journey.]

And with all of that, I think of society and the mirror it’s holding up to me— how much of our authentic, full spectrum feeling has been repressed, not discussed or even acknowledged and the obsession with “looking at the bright side”; how much trauma has gone unhealed and passed along under the “we don’t talk about that” blanket statement— without any mention of how damaging to our physical, emotional and spiritual well being this avoidance is.

And the gut punch for me: the recognition that on some level i’ve been filtering out of the same resistance and rejection I’m seeing out in the world around me— even though I know better; “oh hey societal conditioning, nice to see you again” [*insert eye roll*]

I talk about this and how I define the darkness more in “descent into darkness”, if you haven’t given that a read, you can find it here.

What I recognized just a few weeks ago, was part of the stuckness, the loop of feeling totally untethered and lost was because I haven’t allowed myself to express what is true for me. And the more I become familiar with myself I realize I have to do that for my whole well being; I have to show up, and I have to share where I am, who I am, regardless of who sees it, likes it, or agrees with it in order to find my way back to the other pieces of me that can’t— that won’t—feel safe to come out as long as I am rejecting these “less desirable” parts; a reclamation and healing of my relationship with, as Clarissa Pinkola Estés puts it in “Women Who Run With the Wolves” the “not-beautiful” aspects of my humanity— and showing up in them.

“What is the not-beautiful? Our own secret hunger to be loved is the not-beautiful. Our disuse and misuse of love is the not-beautiful. Our dereliction in loyalty and devotion is unlovely, our sense of soul-separateness is homely, our psychological warts, inadequacies, misunderstandings, and infantile fantasies are the not-beautiful. Additionally, the Life/Death/Life nature, which births, destroys, incubates and births again, is considered by our cultures the not-beautiful.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés; “Women Who Run With the Wolves”

As much as i’ve embraced my depths and dark, i’ve in equal measure judged, rejected and feared Her…

I have to honor it, honor these parts of myself and what I have judged as the “not-beautiful”; bring it in, hold it with love and acceptance if I ever want the deeply hurt little girl that lives in me, to come out of hiding; if I ever want to be able to give and receive love in a way that feels nourishing to me and those closest to me.

The inner battle that i’ve been waging is fucking exhausting.

And so, i’m going to lean in some more; to do my best to share more of this aspect of me. Meaning that wherever I am is where I am, even if it’s dark and twisty for weeks/months/years on end. If I ever want to liberate myself from the cages i’ve bound myself in, I need to stop hiding from you, but most importantly from me. I have to bring all of me forward for better or worse in order to accept me. To love and trust me. It’s not about “them out there”— not about you, the witness to this expression. It’s me. I have to accept the fullness of where I am in order to let myself out, to move through the stuck and heavy spaces into the safe and sacred space of full being.

On some level I haven’t left the tumultuous embrace of the darkness

For at least the last three years or so i’ve been learning how to recognize and swim in the depths I spent a lifetime not even realizing that I had been avoiding— after picking up along the way, the feeling that it was too much; that I was too much. It’s been an interesting journey, witnessing both, as I expand how I view it, and have begun to embrace it and revel in it while still fearing, resisting and on some level rejecting this vital aspect of my being.

And now as I type this i’m wondering if i’m ever meant to leave the darkness. Instead, maybe it’s the way I perceive and judge the darkness and a healthy integration that is the calling. My discomfort with it’s lessons and trials has left me battle weary, but how much of my fatigue is related to my resistance to surrender? How i’m perceiving the cycles are that make it so extra mucky. Maybe it really just sucks going through some of these seasons and lessons. And maybe thats just ok. But at the end of the day, the real is, that I am the depths. I am the darkness. And treating it as though it’s a place to conquer and then leave behind is really just trying to escape a part of myself;

fighting it and judging it is just resisting soul…

[*well shit— i’ve been wrestling with this expression for a few weeks and this came through as a realization during my editing process, so i’m real time processing with you here…bear with me…*]

So while I take a pause and *breathe* into what I just uncovered, i’ll invite you to take some time to reflect on what your relationship with your own “darkness” is, however you define that for yourself.

Do you find the same or different resistances to showing up authentically in the spaces you occupy?

Are there are parts of you that you are judging and repressing because of your fear that your world won’t accept you if you step into and take ownership of it?

And if that is hitting some spicy/resistant points in you, then I will nudge you to look a little deeper and see if it’s their rejection or your rejection? Is it your inner battle with these aspects of self that are a little less [or a lot less] comfortable? Or somewhere along the way did you pick up on the vibe that there was no space for this aspect of you?

Those are the spaces I would invite you to lean into, dare to witness and give some love to. This may include things like joy and pleasure as well, as they are some of the most vulnerable of the emotions that we are first to stifle in order to keep the other ones at bay. It you feel called out by this, then it’s for you, And I see you, I really do. In fact I know this all too well. And now that i’ve had a chance to recover from my little mini revelation, i[m going to dive into the layer, and territory i’ve been navigating in this very long season…

my current season of darkness//

a descent into acceptance and surrender; into love

The last 8 months have been a different sort of descent and definitely uncharted territory. I’ve been full on neck deep; in relationship. Getting exactly what I asked for in a man while simultaneously freaking the fuck out, because, well… he exists [wasn’t sure that was really gonna happen if i’m being honest] and now, I have to acclimate to what that means.

It has taken me to new depths, which on some level I knew were there, untapped, but in no way could I have been prepared for how confronting and disarming it’s been to be seen, witnessed and loved— at this capacity— and by someone who actually wants to be there; by a man who isn’t fighting or trying to control me every step of the way.

Why is this so damn confronting?

Well, all I have know before in partnership with men was resistance, walls, and a need on some level to guard myself against their advances on me as a result of me being considered a desirable woman. It’s been all about them and i’ve let it be, in fact that was what was comfortable. Feeling a compulsion to chase and hold on to someone for dear life, manically trying to prove to them how good I am, and accepting scraps of affection/attention while trying to convince myself that it was satiating my hunger;

feeling a need to play traffic cop but also this responsibility for their wants and desires [because you know society has basically told women forever— overtly and subtly— that they are objects here for the pleasure of men to be won or conquered, a paradox of both being revered as this sacred body while being scapegoated as dangerous and blamed for the shame of the world and our collective fall from grace; pedestalized and simultaneously judged by this standard of chastity or lack thereof, which of course is based mostly on whether or not a man has penetrated us— but I digress as thats a whole other conversation i’m not going to go into here].

There is also the pesky self judgement

My personal achilles heel. I have judged how much of my energy, focus and thoughts have been directed into the space of relationship. It has at times felt like a failure when I “should be focusing on building a business, creating my art, on making money”, etc. My desire to be connected bashing against the desire to “do it all myself”, independent woman and all. And i’ve felt the fear that I am going to lose myself— that which i’ve fought so hard to reclaim— in relationship… again.

There is so much fear present in my physical and emotional body. Fear of slipping away, stepping aside for another’s wants, needs— abandoning myself and merging with what they want. How my emotional and physical health will suffer as a result. It’s happened before… too many times. And that fear is an indication of my lack of trust. Of myself with other.

⫷For my astrology peeps this is a nod to my 7th house stellium (Sun in Libra, and Mercury, [Asteroid*] Lilith + Pluto in Scorpio) holding my feet to the coals of learning relationship and facing resistances to getting lost in the process, and then as a cherry on top of the metaphorical cake another little 3 car pileup in my 8th House— South Node + Saturn in Scorpio + Venus in Sagittarius— facing karma and current relationship to sex, death, transformation— distrust, betrayal and trauma [+ a lot of beef with the old patriarch, Saturn]. ⫸

Over the past few months, since being in this relationship, just having a man who communicates and brings presence and attention to me; who can witness me and hold space for me in intimacy— it’s bringing to the surface a lot of past life and ancestral memories of being violated— raped, beaten, not listened to, used as an object, and in one particularly visceral memory—taking my own life as the feeling of my only escape from the cages of my circumstances, after aforementioned rape, not being listened to and used as property to be traded. Let me tell you—it’s been a real doozy of a party up in here.

Not to mention the reckoning with the traumas that have happened in this life that I have done a lot of work on already, but facing the way that my body shuts down when people, but especially men come in close to me… it makes me angry, and sad and resentful of so many things and it’s been a lot of conflicting and intense emotions to sort through.

So all to say, relationships are fucking hard for me and intimacy is laced with land mines of all sorts of past trauma surfacing; and as beautiful as the container my partner holds for me is— and he has been amazing through all of it— it is the most vulnerable I’ve ever had to be. And I don’t really like it so much. But I need it, it’s what my soul agreed to and what i’ve been asking for.

Leaning into the fear of allowing myself to be that exposed, especially to a man is an exercise in conditioning my nervous system to just not freak out. That’s my measurement in success at the moment: can I let my partner hold me without shutting down. I know— quite a high bar i’ve set for myself [that was sarcasm btw, in case you didn’t pick up the subtext in that statement, but it is actually where I am]

Did I mention that the most beneficial cover that those unavailable men who resisted me provided, was the ability to never feel settled and safe enough to truly tap into my depths of vulnerability— to face the wounding that only having someone witnessing me with love and patience would bring to the surface?

Yea, brilliant survival strategy if I do say so myself.

And damn would it be easier to keep playing “woe is me” and standing on my moral high ground— by continuing to chase men who couldn’t/wouldn’t be there for me and therefore find myself in the familiar state of manic over-giving, putting their needs above my own and then absolutely being able to direct the blame at them for leaving.

I could do that, it definitely would feel safer.

But it would hurt me, as it always has. And I committed to doing no more harm to myself. I committed to coming home to myself, to face all that I hadn’t been able to when I was so focused on what everyone else was doing and trying to get them to stay. Plus, that’s not who I want to be or how I want to show up.

So, no I actually can’t do it anymore.

And so here I am, in the thick of this relating thing and it’s exposing depths of unhealed gunk that I couldn’t have known were residing in all sorts of corners of my being. And what i’ve come to believe amidst all of this, even as much as i’ve resisted and avoided and pouted about it?

We can only be reborn from the darkness if we allow it to destroy us. Surrender and stop attempting to control that which is not controllable, but instead meant to be witnessed with a healthy dose of reverence and awe for the force that it is. It’s work. And it’s beautiful. And i’m messy.

This is my current season of darkness. A new layer; exposed.

⫷♀︎⫸

Thank you for being here, reading this, in this life. I am so grateful for your witnessing.

If any of this expression brought anything up in you, I invite you to sit with it and give yourself an extra dose of compassion and love; just because you deserve it. It takes courage to see, to feel. And I see you.

There is a companion piece to this called “descent into darkness” that gives more context into how I define the darkness, the season I feel the collective is being called into and a bit about how we relate to it that can either be supportive to our healing or a hindrance to it. If you are interested in diving in, you can find “descent into darkness” here. Please share with anyone you feel needs these reflections and I would love to hear your reaction. Feel free to drop a note in the comments or send me an email: info@nicolettebernardes.com

If there is any way I can be of service as you navigate your own descent into self + soul, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. If you are interested in having space held for you to release and reconnect to self, you can schedule a session with me to guide you through this big work.

And regardless of where you are, I am sending you so much big love and the hope that you are feeling held and protected as you navigate this whole human experience!

Be well sweet human ❤︎

With gratitude and always love,

an offering // from LOVE

In the liminal space of winter //

This time for me, never really feels like a time to jump into action as we so often are encouraged to do with the changing of the calendar year. I often feel like any projects I attempt to move forward around the new year, feel forced and often, instead of being inspired, bring up a lot of anxiety and resistance within me. So this year I decided to honor what it was I needed in the moment, and I decided to stay inward, and take inventory; being a witness to what it was my body and energy was asking for, cleansing and clearing what was time to go, calling back pieces that had been fragmented and floating out “there”… going slow and allowing the massive transformation that I could only partially see/feel, but know has taken place over the last year +. Allowing myself some time to integrate and settle into this new state of Self I find myself navigating currently.

In that, I decided to share a reflection with you that I wrote in my journal one day, a few weeks ago that is also now a part of my newest episode on Relentlessly Authentic Radio— so if you prefer to listen, {check it out here}.

[And if you are interested in where this exercise/title came from, read to the end, I explain at the bottom ;)]

an offering // from LOVE

Me: LOVE, what offering is in the highest good, in this moment that I can give, to open me to the act of receiving?

LOVE [answers]: YOU…

Give yourself. dear one, give yourself over to the mysteries. To the unseen. To the felt— whispers, nudges and all you cannot yet feel or see or hear. Your gifts are not “having all the answers” based. Your gifts lie in your capacity to receive, to witness, to process and then respond accordingly, with a trust in the direction you are led. Give attention to the vessel that you receive with. This human experience is limited, but the body you have been given is here to support this mission you were brought here to serve.

Offer a surrender of distraction. Of judgements and limited lens through which you have boxed your creativity and shoved it away to avoid, to stay safe. To survive this cruel world that is lost and misguided.

Surrender your shame for desiring not to do.

Offer your most present being.

Offer to move more slowly, luxuriating in seconds, moment, experiences.

Offer gratitude for the people, and experiences that have been brought to your awareness right now. In this moment. In this season

Offer reverence for everything you have overcome, shed, let go of and called forward on this undressing of soul you’ve been navigating.

Offer awe, for the madness and beauty of all the choices, steps, and perceived missteps that have led you to this moment, this YOU! What the fuck! How wild and amazing that you are exactly you in this moment, during this time, stepping in— more and more everyday— toward exactly what your soul signed up for this go around. You are transformed in ways you cannot yet see, but I know you are starting to feel them, and you are prepared for it. She won’t take you anywhere you are not ready to go.

There of course is more healing, clearing, sorting to do, but where you are right now is ripe— ready to be picked— it only (yes “only”) requires allowance. Opening to the vulnerable acts of intimacy you are leaning into. He is here for you sweet soul. He is here FOR YOU. Let him be here. Let him love you. Your offering is allowance in order to receive the truth and intention and soul aligned purpose of his love, his being. You are still resisting the stability of him— his steadfast belief and knowing. It’s ok, it’s unfamiliar to you. For all you have known is resistance, fighting, uncertainty, wounded and repressed. Allow him to just be here. It’s all he wants and needs from you.

Offer your full self forward, soft front, open heart. It’s the way. And all the questions you have about pleasure, intimacy, relationship will become clear on the other side of that doorway. But you must step through— go inside of the house. I know if feels hard to breathe, like something is missing or not being said, but all will be revealed soon. You must offer you. Step in— cross the threshold. Leave the comfort of your current container [vessel], come in from the cold; all will be revealed to you.

With gratitude, LOVE

***

Where did this reflection come from?

A few things inspired this post. First, I was listening to an episode from the “Roots of Lore” podcast recently, titled “The Omen Days of Wyrd” where the host explored the concept of fate or destiny and the Norns [the keepers of the Wyrd] from Norse mythology; and some of what was discussed was a different take on how to walk into a new year. What stuck out to me was the idea of making an offering— for that act, opens you to the act of receiving; as winter is a time of receiving, an inward time…

This idea of an offering sparked curiosity in me and I pulled on that thread during a reflective writing flow shortly thereafter, asking the question of what my offering should be and I combined this with something I heard from Danielle Caruana on IG, {video linked here}, that I interpreted as a way to process emotions while feeling stuck or being conflicted and seeking an answer to sort whatever is bubbling within, through asking the question to LOVE; and then writing out the response that LOVE provides you. So that is what I did. So what you saw, was what came through when I allowed LOVE to answer on my behalf.

I share this with the invitation for you, if you are in a state of reflection and introspection, as a tool to use when the head tries to take over to create a little space within to hear a truer answer from Soul to guide you on this journey. I hope this message meets you with love and curiosity ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Nicolette

{what i’m here for}

Last Quarter Moon in Taurus

***

Day 23/28

I started my post yesterday with the lines “My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces… I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart…”

And I meant it. As did I mean everything I wrote after that opening statement. And as i’ve been sitting with all that came up for me today as a result of what I shared in “i’m tired.”, I did some reflection on what it is the point of any of this is for me. Why i’m speaking about these things, that make me super uncomfortable, but can’t quite shake off and move away from…

And it’s because I really truly believe we need to get more honest about all the things we’ve been doing our best to keep swept under the rug— to save face, to be deemed acceptable— to all remain comfortably unconscious of how not ok so much— in the way in which we interact with each other—has been for so long.

And as this writing challenge begins to wind itself down, what i’m seeing more clearly are the threads i’ve been on the fringe of pulling that are here and asking for me to keep diving into.

For a while I wasn’t going in on them, either out of fear or because they are so big, and deeply enmeshed—with so many tentacles and directions I can go— I get overwhelmed when I try to start. And so I wasn’t finishing anything. This challenge has given me deadlines where I don’t have the luxury of time to agonize over how complete something is; it’s pushed me into pulling, untangling and weaving the best that I can, every day. And then allowing whatever comes through, to just be there and trust it’s exactly what needs to be expressed. In. This. Moment. [living the feminine in flow and trust]

And that’s a lesson in and of itself. One of “The Four Agreements” [by Don Miguel Ruiz] which is: Do your best everyday. Letting that be enough. Trusting, as I said, that it’s exactly what it needs to be, even if it’s messy, or incomplete [or has a few grammatical or spelling errors]. Even if your best any given day is less than your best-best ;).

Showing yourself more compassion and understanding in that you are a human being, not a machine. And doing the same for others. Remembering that we are not meant to be fully “on”, all day, every day. It’s unreasonable, and unnatural. Yet, we beat ourselves up for the reality of who it is that we inherently are as we strive and hustle and harm ourselves in an attempt to out-human our humanness— to live up to some unattainable standard.

What? Why? And at what cost?

What kind of life are we actually living?

When we can’t accept our humanity, we build lives around trying to mask the vulnerability of the aforementioned humanness from the world around us. And not only do we keep spinning in these cycles of “doing”— that leave us too exhausted at the end of the day to stop and reflect on why we are even doing it in the first place— but it also isn’t true. We aren’t being our true selves, nor do we often even know who authentic self really is.

So how in the world can we know we are living on purpose— our authentic truth— when we reject and hide self from self and the world or if we are too damn tired to do anything about it?

What is the point?

What is the actual point of any of this? And by this, I mean life. We all get to decide this for ourselves. For me, having been in different phases through my 35 years on this wild ride, i’ve done a lot of trying: the collegiate athlete needing achievement and acknowledgement route. The jumping into a relationship for the illusion of safety and stability that marriage is supposed to promise without knowing who I was or what I really wanted/needed. I’ve done the corporate grind trying to move upward, more money, better title— never enough, hustle more, work more, show how good I am— and losing sense of who I was along the way. I’ve left it all behind to completely pivot into personal coaching and “entrepreneurship”.

I’ve had my personal life blown to pieces [more than once] and gone on a journey 3+ years in the making that has taken me across oceans and into the deep, dark and scary places within myself— and in that personal journey, I have evolved the way I serve and show up for clients as a result of all that I have learned.

I’ve redefined what life is more times than I can count and I am always [and likely will forever be] questioning, learning, and hopefully evolving— shedding the untrue and becoming more whole and fully me.

And now here I am, wherever this is. Through it all, i’ve come to recognize that there is “the way it is” that most of us are taught, and, a whole other entire paradigm and a million ways that it’s possible to “be” if you are willing to get a little uncomfortable, step away from the known, remove the shackles of expectations and worry of how you will be perceived by the world around you and open yourself to the possibility than anything is possible.

So with all that i’ve seen, the huge contrast in what I knew “before” and what I know now, what i’ve come to— what I continue to come back to, time and again— what truly matters to me:

love and connection.

When I look around me, there are so many others that want the same thing, yet still feel a lack in the area of deeply nourishing, authentic connection and relationships. And because of the way things are, we are stuck in cycles that are not conducive to authentic connection. And when we are unable hold space for our humanity and all that comes along with it, we can’t truly hold one another.

From my vantage point and experience, we don’t give much in the way of grace— in the process it takes to learn another being, to build trust and inevitably screw it up at different points along the way.

We have little capacity for true forgiveness because it’s too vulnerable to risk being let down again so we never even get to that point because we are too afraid of being hurt or being the one screwing up and being condemned for it. Sometimes, often times, we are both.

There is a new world on the horizon that is wanting to be birthed; that we have the chance to create if we are all willing to put down basically everything we have learned and begin to meet each other from a curious, non-judgmental energy— it’s waiting for us— we need to be willing to meet it. We need to be willing to meet ourselves.

And if we can create safe spaces for us to explore all the hard and ugly truths about what has been happening and how much it sometimes hurts, then we have a chance to heal, to grow and to actually—finally— meet each other. Like, for real.

But in order for that to happen, we have to change the way we are doing things. We must be willing to share both our triumphs and our tragedies. We have to start being able to hold space for people when they share how much something has hurt them and instead of trying to fix or denying their reality, allow them the space to work through it [and know they aren’t alone].

We need to get better at boundaries; around our own energy, so we don’t absorb others’ pain and wear it like a brick backpack that eventually crushes us. And also so we can be more open and receptive to witness them in their moments. Not making it about us.

Taking ownership of what is ours, and allowing them the space and empowering them to take ownership of what is theirs.

We have to learn an entirely new way of relating with one another.

And this is why I keep pulling at these threads: because I believe this work— this unlearning to relearn— is absolutely vital to creating a world we all can thrive in; not just the privileged few.

I guess i’m just one of those crazy ones that cannot accept it as is. Because I now know there is something… more. And with that knowing, I can’t be less of me to fit into “the way things are” anymore. And naturally— love and connection and all— I want to share this with others to give them the chance to decide, with as much information as is possible to live the lives that best support their soul purpose here. To remind us all [including myself] that who we are—our true, soul self— is exactly who we are supposed to be— and being anything less than all that is “you”, is doing the world a disservice.

So I am going to continue to talk about the things that will help catalyze the shifts I feel in my bones are necessary to start living from a different paradigm. One where we are willing and able to meet one another and truly see the beauty, the good [god], in all.

Unconditional love and authentic connection. Building trust. Moving in the world as the divinely messy beings we were perfectly designed to be, and meeting one another in this thing we call being human.

This is what i’m here for.

with gratitude and always love,

i’m tired.

Waning Gibbous Moon in Taurus

My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces…

I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart.

And I can’t keep pretending that i’m not absolutely fucking exhausted about the way things are and have been for far too long.

Because I know you were taught the same bullshit that I was.

I know it doesn’t serve any of us

I know it’s not your fault.

And I know you aren’t helpless— you can do better.

I’m not here to beat up on you. Or to talk down to you.

You are so much more than that.

I want to call you up to your full capacity.

It doesn’t do you or the world any service to pretend that it’s just the way it is and as though you aren’t capable of being more, of being a whole being.

Nor does it do the world a service for me to stay small or quiet for your comfort; to be less of me so you don’t feel insecure or inferior.

I want to meet you in your fullness. Not this half version we are all so familiar with.

And it’s your choice to embrace that or not; it’s your choice whether you want to be met. And…

I’m tired.

***

I’m tired of being told that the clothes that I wear; that the body I walk this earth in, is a distraction. That my making eye contact or being friendly is an invitation for your unwanted advances. That you can’t see past what it is you desire to see how uncomfortable I am.

I’m tired of having to play traffic cop and have my guard up. Of your sense of entitlement and expectation of how I show up for you.

I’m tired of being verbally assaulted for not leaning into your advances.

I’m tired of you leaning in, only to run away the second it feels like you may have to take responsibility and show some discipline.

I’m tired of being demonized or treated as something to be resisted and kept at arms length because you are too afraid to touch your own vulnerability and the mirror of mine is too much to stand in for you.

I’m tired of being fought. Of being accused of trying to control you because you feel out of control; because you need the control and without it you don’t know how to swim in the uncertainty that is life.

I’m tired of your suspicions about my ulterior motives when I speak directly and openly about what I want; about me being empowered in my sense of self; in my sexuality; in my boundaries, that I set, not to keep you out, but because they are in alignment with my integrity and allow me to rest in a space with you, open to you— to pour into you. [Isn’t that what you want— to be given to and received— in love?]

And it’s not all about you. I know you aren’t familiar with that concept. But i’m not here, spending my time and energy thinking of all the ways I can trick you. When I say I want honesty, it means I want honesty. When I state something clearly about what I want, I mean it. It’s not a trick or a trap i’m setting. If you don’t want the same thing, it’s really ok. Even if my feelings get hurt in the process. Not everyone is going to be a good fit. And I can manage my feelings. I can hold space for pain and disappointment. And I can survive it. So can you, if you were willing to give it a shot. And it’s ok if you don’t want to do that either, just don’t pretend you do to save face and then run and hide when faced with the opportunity.

[And to be clear: it isn’t about you protecting my feelings when you avoid telling the hard truth’s— thats about your discomfort in standing in and communicating that truth. It doesn’t make you valiant or kind, it makes you a coward.]

I only want truth. Not the story you think I want to hear. I want your truth. I want to know what it is you really want. I want to know you. Including the messy and uncertain parts.

[And for the record, I know when you aren’t being honest. I can’t explain how I know, but I know. Often times, you may not even realize you aren’t being honest, because you aren’t used to even telling yourself the truth. And I have compassion for the journey it takes to get to the truth beneath the stories we have picked up and tell ourselves in order to fit in this world.]

I see you. I truly understand and I’m not judging you.

And i’m so tired. Of walking on eggshells around your fragile ego. It’s one thing to be shaky standing in the discomfort of uncharted territory. But it’s a whole different vibe when you have the nerve to try to manage and control me for your own comfort and then talk about my emotions being a weakness or too much; when you twist my words or when you dismiss or reject my experience because you can’t handle witnessing the raw and unfiltered delivery of it.

[We don’t live an entire life without going through painful experiences, and I don’t need you to take on the weight of mine. I just need you to hold space for and witness when it comes up. The life we live inevitably shapes who we are— for better or for worse— and how we show up to things like relationship, friendship, sex, intimacy. That’s life.]

I’m tired of you projecting your inability to connect with your own emotions onto me and acting like you are doing something to protect me. It’s just another way to protect the ego that needs a damsel in distress to save; when you don’t know your value outside of providing or fixing.

I don’t need you to save me, I need you to show up. To stand in and for your truth. I need you to realize how sacred your space is and honor that first and foremost. And if you say you want me, I need you to meet me in mine and not feel afraid because I don’t need you to save or fix me. My not being helpless is not a threat to your “manhood” whatever that even actually means…

[But, it does seem to make you uncomfortable— stating that my needs matter too. That my pleasure isn’t about your ego. It’s not about some outcome you can pat yourself on the back about as you replay it in your mind. It’s not even about an outcome. It’s about the journey. It’s about connecting. Not a transaction. It’s about experiencing and flowing and deepening and enjoying the freedom that exists in that safe and delicious space. It’s not about pushing the right buttons to complete the next level. My body isn’t something to be played and achieved with a score attached to it at the end. And if you weren’t present enough to the moment that you don’t know if I came, don’t fucking ask me, please— just don’t do it.]

I’m tired of being misunderstood.

I’m tired of being held at arms length.

Tired of you walking into my space for your own desires without any intention of truly meeting me.

I’m tired of transactions.

[I want depth. Intimacy. Relationship. And I want a type of relationship that isn’t cookie cutter or the standard. I want to create a relationship built on trust and truth and freedom and unconditional love. Where two people are choosing the life they want to create; together.]

And i’m tired of being accused of anything less than that.

I’m tired of being pinned to the wall when i’m anything less than perfect.

[I am a human being. And I don’t know everything. I make mistakes and I own up to my mistakes. I do my best to learn and do better. And I hold space for that in you as well. I receive you in all of your humanity. Can you—will you— meet me in mine?]

I’m tired of having these narratives run through my head.

I’m tired of these cycles that sweep through me and knock me on my ass, where I am so angry and resentful toward the men I have encountered or witnessed throughout my life that have treated me [and others] as a transaction or a conquest; who couldn’t see or meet me and how that effected how I showed up in the world.

And i’m tired of feeling resentful or angry that I let it. That I changed me for their comfort or a false sense of belonging and conditional love. And I also know that if I keep dancing around it or keeping it trapped inside of me, it cannot be transmuted into any sort of inspired action; into any real change or growth. So as uncomfortable as this all makes me, and likely makes you...there it is.

I’m tired.

***

Day 22/28: I’ll tell you what. I really didn’t want to write [or publish] this. This topic brings up a lot of instinctual resistance within me. It’s feels like a dangerous place where i’m about to be swatted down. But it’s been what is coursing through me the past few days [and the past few years frankly] and what came out when I first sat down to write. And I tried to write something else, but came back to this instead, so yea…. here we are.

I don’t want to project or blame. There is too much of that going on in this world and that’s not my aim nor what I want to contribute to the conversation because I don’t think it’s particularly productive in opening lines of communication or in building relationships. But i’m really tired. And there is some swirling energy in the ether that is bringing up a lot of wounding around the historical mistreatment— the violence, abuse, rejection and fear— of women, including myself. I want to be able to frame this conversation in an inviting way. And this is one of those uncomfortable ones. This is my truth and it’s all I have in me today. So again, i’m not writing this to blame or shame anyone who may be reading this and finds themselves taking offense. If you want to do so, that’s your choice, but I would always instead invite some curiosity and reflection into the areas that bring up resistance. And if it doesn’t apply to you, then it’s not about you.

And i’m not overlooking or bypassing that men suffer as well, as do many other segments of the population that I happen to not fall into the category of; this is just what is in me today, coming from my white, cisgender, hetero, white female perspective. And with that disclaimer, this is where I will call it for the evening. If anyone has anything they would like to discuss in relation to anything i’ve written, my door is open as long as you walk in it with an open, curious and respectful way. We can have hard conversations with love.

Sending so much love to anyone else feeling some of these wild vibes today, or over the last few days for that matter [or the whole of this year if that’s where you are]. And for clarity sake, by vibes, I mean “fuck the patriarchy, let’s burn it all down'“ vibes.— that’s just where i’m at]. If you are feeling some other sort of vibes, I’m sending you love and an encouragement to hold space for whatever is there— we may just be in different head/heart spaces ;). Regardless and always, I appreciate you being here on the journey with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,



who I want to {be}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

Today, I woke up. I had coffee. I moved some heavy furniture I’ve been putting off moving for 9 months, down a narrow staircase, and into a very small cellar [like 4 1/2 foot ceiling and loads of spiderwebs in a 100+ year old house kind of cellar] and may have escaped without doing any real damage to my back [winning]. PS: in case you were wondering—I’m out of shape and was reminded that my body could use a little resistance training for #lifestuff like picking up heavy things and not throwing out my back. But on the plus side, there is more room for activities in my apartment now [yay!]. I had a friend gracious enough to wake up and help me move said heavy furniture into the small space, and he also escaped [as far as i know] without anything more than hitting his head once [also winning].

And then we had a good long talk over delicious iced coffee [cups number two and three for the day]. We talked about inner journey vs. outer world. About duality and paradox of being human. About what the fuck is happening in the world right now and where we go from here. We agreed and disagreed and often said a lot of the same things in our own unique language and tried to bridge gaps. And then when both our brains had enough of the mental gymnastics, I went home. Showered the dried sweat [again from moving said furniture in a humid-ass Virginia summer day], ordered Thai food from my fave local spot and inhaled some Pad Thai. It was delicious. Then I watched “The Kissing Booth 2” on Netflix [feel free to judge me if you want] and I proceeded to cry my eyes out. Not quite sure what that was about, but it unlocked something. And then I spent the last two hours listening to moody EMO music, singing at the top of my lungs, complete with more crying [something is moving from the inside trying to escape, what, is still TBD].

I’m writing this, because, well, the writing challenge I committed to, and since I still can’t seem to pull any threads down to earth and into creation, instead i’m writing out the mundane and extraordinary of my day. I’m sure a silly movie about teen love and conflict about the future affected me the way it did for a reason. The why, also TBD. I will say, there were some stealth little life lessons thrown into it, which I always appreciate about these movies.

One part that jumped out at me, was the main character narrating on the question she had for a college essay [would it even be one of these movies without some profound college essay needing to be written??] that she re-worked from “where do you want to be in 5 years” to “who do you want to be”. And as she broke down the qualities of the people she loves the most, one from each of them that in combination she hopes she can be, [which was really heartwarming— yes i’m a sucker for the feels]I couldn’t help but be moved by that question. Who is it that I want to be in 5 years? Or for my reflection sake, who is it that I want to be now; how is it that I want to show up in the world? And since this is what came to me in this moment, writing about my mundane day and random energy releases [tears and singing and general emo vibes], lets do this:

Who do I want to be?

I want to be

a feeling that lingers;

a blanket wrapped around your shoulders on a late autumn afternoon

the sun that gently kisses your cheek

warm and inviting; a moment of pure presence

an always too tight hug,

a breathe of fresh air;

a truth you can’t explain, but know;

a reprieve from the suffocation of the boxes and expectations

*

I want to be

the love that most would consider reckless, [but really is just free];

pleasure and presence embodied;

an example of radical acceptance;

an expression of relentless authenticity;

the one you pull in close

who meets your gaze and doesn’t look away;

and even when you have to go—

the home you always return to.

I want to;

always have the courage to keep moving forward,

with all of my idealism and belief in what can be—

if we choose love, always

to be a reminder

of what humanity in action looks like

[often ridiculous, sorta messy, and also graceful in new and undefined ways]

that we can always lean in and love a little more.

that pain can be a beautiful teacher

and the only deeper grief than heartbreak,

is never being seen, never allowing ourselves to be known;

I want to be an example;

of what living looks like;

a resilient kind of hope;

one of the crazy ones;

unapologetically steeped in truth.

I want to be one that leaves others better than I found them.

That sees the good [the god] in all;

and never loses sight of why it is that we are here.

***

Day 20/28: Lion’s Gate Portal peak today [8/8]. All sorts of wild stuff floating in the ether. This one was a roundabout way of saying— Love and connection is all that I am, and all that I hope to ever be. Also it feels important to note—Leo Season Status: Whooping My Ass. Anyone else out there feeling wrung through the emotional washing machine? It feels like my heart is calling so much to the surface. Venus moving into Cancer yesterday, adding a little extra spice into the mix. There are lessons to be learned, pieces that inevitably will fall into place, but it’s still not yet time. For now, i’ll just keep witnessing the synchronicities, intuitive pulls; reflect on my weird ass dreams and funny messages I receive in all sorts of forms. Patience. Extraordinary in the mundane. Sending love if you are feeling like a walking contradiction this week [or always— I see you]. Thank you for being here with me, especially if you stuck through reading about my Saturday while I tried to figure out what the hell to write about. Until next time ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

what really {matters}

Waning Gibbous in Pisces

Day 16/28: “And at the end of my brief splash in the ocean of infinity, if I have loved fully and deeply; shared that energy— the love and connection that is all I am— with the world; if I allowed myself to be loved deeply and fully in return, then that would be enough. I don’t need anyone to remember my name, I don’t need to be accomplished in anything other than having allowed myself to feel the connection to source— and all that’s in its reflection— intensely, within the container of love.”

Those words came through me about a year ago, after a particularly “in outer space” kind of flow writing session. One of my favorite kinds that I can’t type quickly enough to capture whatever was moving through me as I just unleashed without thinking. It was one of those divine moments where I know I wasn’t “doing” I was just pouring out. And what came out was bizarre and esoteric and silly and layered. It was a weaving— sort of what i’ve been attempting during this challenge these past few weeks in taking the different themes and signs that were in my present consciousness and twisting them together into a little story, an experience of a waking dream within a dream sequence…

Anyway, as I sit here in this moment, exhausted after barely sleeping last night and willing myself to just quickly get today’s post done, I was reflecting on the gratitude I am feeling in this moment. A few hours ago a friend sent me a heartfelt message affirming the value of my presence in his life and for who I am as a person. And as it stabbed me [in the best kind of way] right in the heart, I was stopped in my tracks, as I am from time to time and reminded of what really matters [this feels like one of those grace moments]. His message was in response to the incessant insanity of what has been happening in our world, and in an urgency of, “we just don’t know what tomorrow will bring”, he took the time to let me know my presence mattered to him. Nothing like collective tragedy to bring us back down to earth, here and now.

And it got me thinking, in this time, now August of 2020 which undoubtedly will go down as the wildest year of many of our lifetimes—as the world is coming apart at the seams, and as so many things we believed to be absolutes, begin to crumble—there is an opportunity to reflect on what matters. If this moment is all that we have, how are you spending it? How present are you to all that is available to you? How aware are you of the abundance all around and within you?

If it were to all end tomorrow, and you had a moment to reflect on how you chose to be in this life— would you be able to say you truly lived— like heart on overflow kind of vibes— or would you pass on feeling like there was more that it could have been?

This was the thought process I went through just a few minutes ago— as I allowed the gratitude for this special person in my life and the gift he gave me in affirming my presence pour into me— that brought to mind the closing lines I wrote in that flow a year ago, that essentially sums it all up for me:

“And at the end of my brief splash in the ocean of infinity, if I have loved fully and deeply; shared that energy — the love and connection that is all I am— with the world; if I allowed myself to be loved deeply and fully in return, then that would be enough. I don’t need anyone to remember my name, I don’t need to be accomplished in anything other than having allowed myself to feel the connection to source— and all that’s in its reflection— intensely, within the container of love.”

Love and connection. Deep, nourishing relationships built on truth and a witnessing of the authentic reflection of other. Pulling back the layers of what it means to be human and divine— whole; pushing the boundaries of what is known and leaning harder into trust and surrendering into the unseen yet felt. That’s what matters to me. Getting messages of gratitude, not for what i’ve done but for who I am, for how I show up, for how I leave people— how they feel in my presence. Sharing that same love with those who impact me in a similar way. Giving and receiving love freely and without conditions. That is what it’s all about for me. And it’s something I know I can lean more into and be more intentional around, more often. I, like most of us, get caught up in the intense pace and chaos and forget to just be, but this was another one of those reminders:

this moment is all we have.

And if my life were to end tomorrow, or next week, or next year, the measure of success for me, will be how deeply I allowed myself to experience this life, on my terms, with love, compassion and an intention to see myself and others as clearly as is possible. To be love and loved. Unapologetically, unfiltered and unguarded.

We all have the right to choose what it is that is significant, what matters to us individually. This is mine, and I will invite you to reflect on what that is for you. And if there is a void, an absence of whatever it is, it may be worthwhile to set an intention to pivot, and call more of what you want in. To be open to more of what lights your heart up and fills you with love to be in more of your moments. Because as 2020 is humbly revealing to us with a sledge hammer, we don’t know what next year, let alone the next 24 hours will bring. Be here now and do what matters.

This is what is on my heart tonight that wanted to come through. Thank you for every single beautiful human in my life that receives me as I am. For those who have seen me before I was even able to see myself, and those that continue to show me through example what it means to live authentically and the power of love shared. Thank you to those that encourage and challenge me to step more into my fullness and remind me of who I am, when I conveniently forget ;). I love you more than I could ever express with words.

You make my life more full. You are what is significant to me. [side note: i’m also grateful that the little prayer that went up to my guides tonight to help make this expression flow so I could get to bed, delivered]. I will go to sleep tonight with a smile and a full heart, because I am so immensely blessed; abundance in the form of beautiful souls I have found my way back to in this crazy life.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

-Maya Angelou

tender // spaces

waxing crescent moon in libra

in the tender spaces // between waking and sleep.

8x10 pictures projected in my mind // just out of reach.

some anonymous space and time // shadows and light.

balance and scales // much yet to be weighed.

story upon story; I create // [meaning twisted in my mind]. 

strangled by the invisible // [indivisible] threads connecting me to you.

I am you // and you are me.

an imaginary binding? // or unwinding?

[cage door unlocked; never tried] // [a guide that leads me home to you].

a mashup of melodies // ringing in my ears.

unconscious pulling apart yarns stored // deep in the recesses of mind.

working their way to the surface // one frame at a time.

overlapping memories // old patterns die hard.

unavailable; unattainable // just out of reach.

walking out on me in your dreams // your interpretation.

can you handle a hard truth? // or would you prefer a soft lie?

divine sparks // intuitive animation.

the difference between one that sticks // and those that float away.

like a broken limb in the current // gone.

nothing rational // [significance holds no judgment of outcome or experience].

“good” is not a pre-requisite // in the realm of soul.

the experience we are having is // [we agreed to this shit].

so what is the truth amidst the fuzzy?// [mist of vulnerabilities unspoken].

afraid to show the tender beneath // suffocating under the stifling weight of armor.

unconscious patterns // “show me yours and I’ll show you mine”

here in hiding // we all lose.

open and intentional // no more space in my heart for the lies.

awaken from the illusion // trust in the unseen, felt.

it takes courage to stand in // [the tender spaces between waking and sleep].

***

Day 6/28: How is it that we find our way to trust? To the sacredness of our innermost sanctuaries where unconditional love, truth, and our infinite power reside? The truth is in the body. The wisdom and intuition that is there, that has always been there, yet we fear following.

“tender // spaces” is a mashup of little narratives that popped into my consciousness throughout my day today that i’ve attempted to give some form/cohesiveness. I pulled from imagery I saw on the brink of napping, eyes closed and just watching as my mind played this afternoon; through messages exchanged with friends over text and lines in songs I was listening to that caught my attention. Then I filled in the blanks with what has felt like a constant theme and curiosity for me as of late: of soul connections [how they show up, the potential they have to move us; maybe also why?].

[{Brief interlude on “soul connections} I ascribe “soul connections” to those that animate us at a depth that I can only describe as “truth”; for no rational or logical reason [this stuff is not anywhere in the realm of rational] and begin showing up in different forms, in different ways, through different experiences [whether we are conscious or open to them is a factor that influences when/how we experience]. Those that I will '“label” under that category in my experience have similar “markers” to notify me of their presence. There is a feeling I get, a recognition and a sense of ease, no matter what is presenting in their current being— their current level of personal awareness, how much self work they have/have not done; not mater how grounded or chaotic they are— there is a trust and a knowing I feel that I cannot explain. A deep nourishing exhale. A place where I can rest, close my eyes and let go. That feeling of home. That’s what I identify as being in the presence of soul manifested in other. Not to say that those I don’t feel that way with are less significant somehow, but when these particular ones show up, I know to pay attention to the themes, what intensities they are sparking within me as information that always leads me somewhere valuable for my own growth— an invitation for deepening into me. And more often than not, they are intense mirrors that reflect aspects of me back that I had not yet seen, had not been ready to seen or maybe would not be able to see if not in the reflection of their being.

And the more I have let go of the attachment to “what this means” and just follow the breadcrumbs “they” [my intuition'] provide— allowing myself subsequently to be led by soul—i’ve been finding my way to some pretty wild/cool/weird AF things within myself, or experiences that I never would have considered significant or transformative, and definitely not “perfect” as a former version of myself. Not all of these experiences are pleasant or meant to be perpetuated, but I feel they absolutely are here on purpose and to be learned from if I so choose to receive them without judgement or attachment.]

So, in “tender // spaces” what I realize now, in reflection, is that I am exploring the unconscious tug of war we play with ourselves and play out on others when we don’t trust; when we fear and resist holding space for and sharing the vulnerability of our authentic self, how it leads us to hide the best parts of self from not just the world, but more importantly: from ourselves. For when we repress; attempt to manage and control the beautiful messy irrational humanity that resides within us all—yes, that same humanity that the world has tried to convince us is unloveable, wrong, broken, not enough, too much [etc, you get the idea]— then the connections that are meant for us to be experienced for our souls expansion and evolution, become non-starters. Matters of soul are the catalysts for our becoming; we either experience/learn or repeat until completion. And in being present and embodying this physical “human” experience—which is as important an aspect of learning and integration as transcending ego from a spiritual development perspective— when we play defensive maneuvering in matters of love, everybody loses.

At the end of the day, I believe we always have choice, whether we lean into the unknown, dare to experience the things that the rational mind, the ego and fear will say “WTF, this is crazy”, but in that deeper, knowing place— one you may not be practiced at listening to and leading from—you will hear, or better yet feel that “yes” [even if it’s the “uggghhh do I really have to do this” kind of yes]. And in a world, where all we really, truly want is to be seen and known and loved, exactly as we are— the irony is— the only thing keeping us from having the beautiful, soul shaking experiences we are here to live, is the fear of being seen: being exposed in our messy, imperfect all-ness, and maybe even being accepted, receiving love, not despite but because of exactly who it is that we are; that being we were always meant to be.

We have to be willing to explore the edges to awaken from the illusion; must lean in and trust in the unseen, felt. It takes courage to stand in the tender spaces. My invitation as always: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this wild wild west called coming home. Always bring yourself back to a space where curiosity, kindness and non-judgement lead the way, and know: you are worthy, you are enough. And you have EVERYTHING already inside of you that you could ever need. Trust in the perfection that already is you. ❤︎

This concludes day 6 of 28, way more poured out of me than I was expecting when I opened up my laptop, but it feels like what needed to be released that I couldn’t have known before I just leaned into the “I don’t feel like it” and started pulling at threads. Thank you, as always for being here, exploring all the wild and weird human things with me, I am forever grateful for your witnessing me in all my weird and messy humanity ;).

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces. light // dark

***

S U N + M O O N

You and Me.

The sun and the moon.

Me setting, as you rise;

Missing each other in the passage of time

Our celestial bodies, 

waiting for the eclipse,

That will bring us together again.

Overlapping.

Tangle yourself in me, my love,

as I take you over.

For only a few moments;

be comfortable,

aligned in love,

magnetized in polarity. 

You are my sun.

My light, my nourishment.

The heat and intensity igniting my passion.

My peaceful smile on a cloudless day.

The warmth that spreads across my skin as I lay back, vulnerable, savoring your touch.

The burn I nurse, alone, in the late hours of the night.

I receive you, fully, for all that you are.

Your shine gives me life. 

I am your Moon.

Always present,

even when you feel swallowed whole

by the darkest nights,

I am there.

Set your intentions by my phases,

your direction by my intuition.

I will always guide you home;

to your heart, 

to your truth.

You are my sun,  I am your moon 

June 12, 2018: Soul Love + Eclipse Season

You have a choice.

I receive you in your humanity. 

Fall down. Get back up. Learn. Try again.

I do not fault you for your uncertainty.

I do not fear your chaos.

I’m here. Arms open, ready to receive you as you are.

Because who you are is enough. I know that may scare you, even allowing yourself to think for a moment that could really be true. Not only because up to this point in your life you have been reminded constantly how you are falling short; how you need to be or do something more or less or different than what you are in order to be accepted, to be given the love you so desperately seek to feel.

Those subtle and not so subtle messages have made it hard enough—damn near impossible even— to stop and rest. To be grounded and at home within. It’s hard enough to be accepting of your true self when the world is telling you that who you are is somehow inherently wrong or flawed.

But also, this message: "You are just enough”, it terrifies the part of you that has been conditioned to believe you have to do— to strive and to perform— in order to belong.

It challenges the lessons instilled that you have to sacrifice and betray Self in order to be safe and loved.

Because if in a moment, you were to stop all the striving and performing and seeking the “good job” from outside of yourself, and allow the truth of your inherent worthiness to permeate your entire being; if you could open up your heart and allow yourself to acknowledge that who you are has always been enough, that there is nothing you need to do or be more or less of in order to be worthy of the love, belonging, and connection you have always desired, there would be no more barriers in the way. 

In the way of what?

Of your truth. Of the clarity and presence and trust necessary to live in alignment with your unique purpose in this life. Of a sense of fulfillment. Of your empowerment.

Of your freedom.

If you were to recognize that you are already worthy, then there is nothing standing in the way of you having that which your heart so deeply desires.

Except you. You are the barrier.

And once you see that— once you realize that life isn’t just yanking you around against your will— your eyes will be opened to the recognition that you have a choice.  You get to choose how you show up and how you react to everything that you are presented with in this life. That is what you can control. That is all that you can control.

And to recognize that you have a choice offers you the invitation to get off the train of disappointment, victimization and isolation and requires you to take personal responsibility:

Of your choices to this point.

Of who you are as a result of those choices.

Of your emotions and reactions to your emotions.

Of the fear or shame you feel for the perception of weakness or inadequacy for having emotions; for being vulnerable.

It would require taking responsibility for your inescapable humanity.

[The collective paradox: we fear, repress and shame ourselves for being exactly what we were perfectly designed to be.]

And that can be overwhelming. But it could also be simultaneously empowering. Or maybe just disarming. Definitely unfamiliar. Yet maybe, just maybe a little something like a truth that cannot be denied if you were to sit still with it for a moment and allow it to sink in.

Maybe it feels a little dangerous to recognize that personal power has always been within reach and that nobody dictates that but you. Or maybe it feels like you have been led astray and you’re angry that it’s taken you this long to realize, or that nobody told you that you have had a choice all along.

[Maybe you are afraid of feeling angry or feeling anything at all.]

Perfect. Feel that, whatever that is.

Letting that truth rise within, when you have lived your whole life under the paradigm of power being something that must be given or taken, when everyone in your life up to this point has operated under that same belief system, and when all you know is the feeling of being controlled and emotionally manipulated, the shock of that shift can feel like everything is crumbling beneath your feet. Like the ground is literally falling out from underneath you, and at any moment, you could be free falling into a dark hole of oblivion, of unknown and uncertainty; falling to your death.

That’s what it feels like, or at least, that’s what fear tells you it will feel like if you allow yourself to recognize the role you have played in this all along.

And I’ll tell you now, if you were to decide to embrace it— to lean into that visceral discomfort of your current paradigm crumbling around and within you— this is exactly what happens. You will die. A metaphorical death that is, in order to be reborn into the Truth.

Liberation requires death. You must shed that which holds you in suffering and paralyzed by fear. That which has left you feeling unstable on your own two feet the majority, if not your entire life. That which has kept you small. This all must die away. 

[Who are you without the comfortable confinement of your own disempowerment?]

Do you know? Are you willing to take the risk to find out?

Falling into the dark absolutely will feel scary because it’s unknown. And unknown is a discomfort that feels a lot like danger. But what if you wrote a new narrative about death, darkness, the shadows? A shift in perspective is all it would take for the cold, lonely and scary darkness to become your period of incubation, free floating in the protected nourishment of the womb. Growing, supported and preparing to enter a new life. The darkness and all that comes with it, could be a gift for you. A caterpillar into chrysalis; dying off one form in order to complete the transformation into a butterfly. It’s all in your point of focus. Another choice that is yours to make.

From what perspective will you witness this transition?

You get to choose.

Are you going to grasp to the old, comfortable suffering? Stay in defensive maneuvering and under your favorite suit of armor, waiting for the next attack from the world around you to come, all the while clinging to and feeling the familiar pain of separateness, isolation and loneliness under the illusion of control you are so desperately attempting to maintain?

[It is comfortable, it will feel safer and easier.]

Or, are you going to surrender? Let the ground beneath you quake, feel the fear rise and lean in. Can you let the darkness [the unknown] wash over you and take you exactly where you need to go?

[Letting go for the opportunity of a lifetime: experiencing true freedom— the liberation of You.]

You choose.

You can stay “safe”. Fearing what you may lose if you risk opening yourself to the vulnerability required for the love and connection you so deeply desire to unfold. Taking your habitual defensive stance and not allowing anything close enough to you to ever hurt you again.

Or, you can allow the cracks you’re already feeling within— from the lifetime[s] of disappointment and pain— to become fissures; to be broken open, smashed to pieces and turned into ash and dust. To be reborn into the truth that you have always had within, always known in your soul, but has felt too dangerous, too uncomfortable to embrace:

That you are just enough.

That you are love and loved, unconditionally.

That you are worthy as you are.

The choice is yours. Embrace death or avoid it; shift your perception of what it means to die, or stay stuck fearing it, behind the walls you have built to avoid it. Defending your fortress of solitude. But if you choose to hide behind your walls, safe and comfortable, you will never know the soul shaking, shifting and expanding feeling of a true, deep and unconditional love.

You will never be seen and truly known for exactly who it is that you are. Because what comfort and safety requires of you is that you hide. And nobody can see you if you are hiding.

[You can’t see you if you are hiding.]

And to exist in this life without ever knowing your depths, corners and edges; to never touch and taste the exquisite duality of your light and dark; to never be stripped down, fully vulnerable and seen and truly known, loved and accepted by another— in my opinion— is a fate worse than death. For there is no living without death; and living fearing death with the primary goal of avoiding that which is inevitable, is merely existing.

So you choose.

Safety in hiding and comfort, being alive yet never truly living.

Or death in daring to open; accepting yourself, in all your brilliant and beautiful humanity, perfect mess and miraculous grace. Death for true belonging and experiencing the fullness this life has to offer.

Whatever you choose is perfect, and that choice is yours to make. All I ask is that you do your best to hear me when I say:

I receive you in your humanity. 

Fall down. Get back up. Learn. Try again.

I do not fault you for your uncertainty.

I do not fear your chaos.

I’m here. Arms open, ready to receive you as you are.

You are loved immensely and unconditionally.

And who you are is, and always has been, just enough.

With gratitude and ALWAYS love,

---

“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively. Orange Butterfly “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

– Trina Paulus

---

My Mirror My Love

This morning I stood in front of the mirror and I talked to you, I talked to me. I looked myself in the eyes and asked the questions, felt the pain and wondered out loud in desperation and frustration… How? How do I let go? Why is the suffering so pronounced and how am I perpetuating it? Why am I stuck here?

Well, It’s an easy distraction. When the uncertainty of the rest of my life starts to crumble in around me, it’s easy to go to the pain and longing as a distraction from that anxiety. Sadness and longing are feelings I have intimate relationships with; I’m comfortable there. So I use you. As a distraction from what feels scarier, more unknown, more intense and out of control.

Also, I realized this paradox that keeps me here. It’s knowing… deeply knowing that I have to let go in order to allow in.

Which seems contradictory, I have to let you go to let you in. You being love. You represent love. The deepest reflection I’ve ever been present to. You are the deepest recognition of me, of my love, that I’ve witnessed in this lifetime. 

I have to let go of a piece of me in order to let go of you. And that pisses me off. And it’s also necessary. This is a different type of death; it is the death of the story that has played out one too many times in my life… The victim story that people always leave. Nobody stays to love me, to keep me safe, to protect me. I’m too much to be loved wholly and for someone to be there unconditionally. That once they get what they need from me, once they have taken from me their fill, they are gone because they really just want something simpler or are too afraid to go to the depths and intensity that I call home. That is who I have to let go of, and I have to let go of the suffering I feel as a result of your departure in order to call bullshit on that story. In order to truly be open to love. I have to let you go to let you in. You are love. My love.

I have been so angry at you, at me… for this time. For this pain I feel. The grief, I read today, is all the love that one has left to give that has nowhere to go [or at least it’s the mind’s perception of the lack of container to pour into]. I’m not sure if I believe that, but what I know is that I have so much more love to give … so much more… and the grief is like a neon sign reminding me of that. I feel trapped in it. And my judgement— my indignation of the wrongness of this space— is perpetuating suffering.

But looking at me, looking at you this morning in the mirror I recognized: this love, this powerful potent love—I know you know what I’m talking about— it has a place to go. I just have to decide to accept that and redirect it. I have control over where it goes and I’ve been avoiding this acknowledgement and ownership. Frankly, because I want to give it to you. I want. There are things I want and I don’t like that I’m not getting what I want. And you know the type of hissy fit I can throw when not getting what I want. The judgement keeps me both stuck and safe in suffering. All I really need to do is pour into me. To stop seeking answers and logical explanations for why and accept that the only reason I’m seeking in the first place is because I’m avoiding the space that the love must go first before anything I want can become.

This space is the final frontier; it’s the deepest darkest night. It’s Me.

Right now, I’m standing on the precipice. Will I finally jump? Will I finally let go? Relinquish to the transformation that has been happening over the past 24 months? Will I allow the transformation to move through me and complete this cycle?

The incubation period has been dark. It has been uncomfortable.

And the more I grow, this small space within the womb has gotten more and more claustrophobic. I can feel that I have overstayed my welcome. What a funny pattern I have. My birth was surrounded by the same cycle. I stayed just a little longer— I needed more time. I just wasn’t ready. And even when I was ready, I wasn’t ready. Because when are we ever ready? When are we ever ready to take the treacherous journey, through the darkness, through spaces way too small for our bigness, and out into the bright new world? Where everything is unknown; where the stimulus is so intense that our little brand new eyes, so sensitive, cannot even open to it right away. We need time to acclimate…one step at a time. We’ve been through this before and it was fucking terrifying. And now, with all the days and years of experience, we know how scary and amazing and dangerous this world really can be. With the awareness of that truth, is it more or less scary to come out, leaving the safety and warmth of a place too small for us, and begin again? I don’t know the answer to that because I’ve been hanging out in the dark and constricted comfort of the underworld, the dark damp world beneath. I know it’s time for me to come out, to begin again and be out there, unprotected; it’s time for the wildflower to poke her head above ground and risk it all to grow toward the light. It is the way, it is the path.

And, it is my destiny. I was never meant to be small, to play it safe. I am wild and strong and a little reckless in the subtlest of ways. I was meant to adventure, to explore the unknown. To maintain the innocence of one who doesn’t know better and believes the best in the world around her all while pushing the boundaries of the status quo.

That girl—she isn’t naive— she is a warrior of that which is good. She knows that something like evil exists, but it is her job to continue to see and reflect the good in all there is.

To be the beacon of doing better. She has to show up, even when she wants to crumble into cynicism and defeat. Even when she wants to blame and play victim, she has to show up and remind us all, that the world is a beautiful, magical place. That nature demands imperfection and is beauty personified and she is a representation of all that exists; a reminder of the simplicity and transformative power of a knowing smile coming from a place of compassion. It isn’t easy, but it comes easy to her.

She never was too rebellious or destructive, because that just isn’t her nature. The times she was, it was because she was trying to be something she was not, on the path to finding her Truth. And through that, she fell down. She crawled around in the dark. She hurt others and was hurt. She learned what is her and what isn’t. So it’s no longer even worth thinking that the grass could be greener on the other side, because she knows it isn’t.

Her rebellion is a simple one. Relentless authenticity. Truth. Kindness and love. Unapologetically accepting and loving all. She is a bright light and not everyone can handle standing in her reflection; and not everyone is meant to.

You see, she isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and positivity. She’s real. This shit isn’t easy. Descending into the underworld and keeping one foot firmly planted above ground is a test of will and a feat of strength… of trust. She’s a testament that it’s possible to lean in and not get swept up and lost forever in the swirling shadows of the deepest, darkest sides of humanity, even as she continues to straddle the fissure between two worlds.

She is truth. She is all, as there is nothing out there that isn’t within her. She is everything. Even as she doubts this, sitting on the floor, typing these words, in her childhood bedroom, no longer a child. She knows, despite her ego trying to convince her of her failure somewhere along the way. This is no random occurrence; it’s all divinely orchestrated. Though, she sometimes rolls her eyes and wonders why in the HELL she agreed to some of this shit. It’s confusing. To feel this divine knowledge and trust of the path that is unfolding while being practical in a physical world. It is enough to drive some mad. Some days it drives her mad… it brings to mind a line from a good ol’ country song by Sturghill Simpson once shared with her…

“So forgive me if sometimes I seem a little crazy/ But goddamn, sometimes crazy is how I feel…”

Sometimes, crazy is just how I feel, as she is me. Splitting at the seams. And then, in moments of divine clarity, I recognize that the fractures are to let the light out and the love in. They are there to teach me, show me my own strength and resilience. My own ability to heal and mend, my Self and to empower others to do the same for themselves.

This world, this experience, this body, this life… it’s a trip. It’s so easy to lose sight of the beauty within the mess when in it. But take a step back. Think about all the experiences that led to where you are in this exact moment, and ask yourself… could this all really be random? Could it be anything other than orchestrated by some power greater than you? Think about the greatest challenge you’ve endured and how that experience shaped you— the strength you gained—if nothing else from the recognition of the depth of horrors you can survive. How it prepared you for the next one, and the one after that. That’s resilience.

And stop for a second, right here, right now; in this exact moment, reflect on how strong, how capable and how blessed you are to be breathing and experiencing everything.

That’s presence.

Now, for a moment, look back and think about who you have been. This may be more challenging to sit with, but I invite you to smile at the shame, breathe deeply into the moments you immediately go to that make you cringe; to embrace the little you who you have continually judged as weak, that you have desperately tried to escape and say “thank you” to that survivor. Who you have been [despite your judgement] has led you to this version of you. This you, that is paving the way in this moment for where you are headed next.

That’s grace.

And you may not be able to see a clear picture of what is to come next, but will you allow yourself to feel it? Not being able to see what is next is not on accident. It’s a blessing and a million little lessons. It’s tempting you to trust. Daring you to let go of the desire to control and instead, to allow. It’s offering you the opportunity to listen and take action from a deeper knowing than your fear could ever let you see.

It’s overwhelming really to imagine my self in this body, in this life and my place in the order of the chaos that is this experience. I laugh to myself when I really think about it. The fact that I am, that you are, exactly on time; that we are all connected and a part of this collective, and there is nothing that we have to learn outside of us. There is only that which we need to uncover within. The outside world is just a reflection meant to help us remember what we already deeply know. The truth, which is, that we are all on purpose. We are all meant to be. We all are. It’s our choice how we show up and react to that.

So take a look in the mirror. Ask the questions burning in your heart. Listen for the answers— just listen—they are there for you. All you need to do is be still, to allow, to feel, and then… let go.

Let go and allow love in. ♥︎

---

Thank you for reading and being a part of this journey with me. I would love to hear what came up in you as you read this, and if you have any questions for me, please do not hesitate to comment below or email info@nicolettebernardes.com.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

I woke up like this...

Coffee

Comfort

Mornings were made for this

Soft

Open heart

As I sit here,

still wiping away the nights rest from my eyes,

hair a mess on top of my head,

tears well in my eyes.

Me thousands of miles and an ocean away from you in every possible way.

I think about that last embrace,

the moment, just before you wrapped your strong arms around me,

pulling me in tight against you,

and something in me moves.

Knowing

how you will tilt your head down into the space where my neck and shoulder meet

Taking in the scent of my skin, my hair

Breathing in my essence.

How you will pull back, for what could be an eternity to gaze deep into my eyes.

Confirming my presence,

memorizing my soul.

Never enough.

You lean in, starving for our lips to meet one last time.

The promise of “we’ll see each other again” heavy  between us.

In this moment,

this memory,

I can feel you and it nearly knocks me over,

the intensity of it all.

The intensity of you.

Love

Longing

Promises

Fear

Truth

I woke up like this

I live like this

Feeling

Vulnerable

Just me

No filter.