closing doors // death for creation
the process of creation //
Lately I have been doing my best to notice the little things that I find myself getting lost in- as in, those activities, experiences or tasks that I find myself spending hours on end just focused in on, or feeling a sense of joy and excitement in the creation of- and I realized that making playlists is something that I really enjoy and have been doing as a form of my creative expression for decades...
It brings me back to my days making mixed tapes in my bedroom; evolving in the internet age to downloading {virus infected} songs from Limewire and Napster to burn CD's for team warm up playlists or mixes to play on my car rides or as gifts to friends {literally my entire hard drive was filled with music}, and now Spotify makes this a breeze with endless options for my listening pleasure.
{and yes, I did make mixed tapes on actual tapes 📼- anyone else remember sitting in front of the boombox waiting for the song to come on the radio you liked and rushing to hit record, hoping the DJ's wouldn't play some stupid interlude that interrupted the song?But I digress...}
The process of creation is an aspect of the feminine energy, it is the birthing of something new into life, and in this culture of "hustle" and "doing" it's so easy to de-value the importance of getting lost in the creation of something, for no reason other than it brings you joy or energizes and keeps your potent life force flowing. But I invite you to resist the urge to turn everything creative into something that needs a dollar value or justification for why you are doing it attached. I’m super guilty of this as someone who melds my creative side with making a living and a part of my calling in service in this world. But it is a slippery slope, and I more often than I can count, have found myself dried up creatively because I haven’t left anything just for me, just for the sake of creating and flow.
Do the things because they feel good. Because you are present to it and everything else fades away. And then notice the instinct to feel you need to justify that to someone, mostly you. We are human beings and a part of bringing a balance back into this world, we need to get back to being and flowing unapologetically…
closing doors // saying goodbye
Another aspect of the feminine energy rising, is embracing the other side of the cycle of creation: death. This seasonal shift has me feeling empowered and on purpose. It's always been my favorite time of year— a settling in of sorts— and in the waning days of Virgo season {late September} in preparation to step into the abundance and celebration that is the harvest season, I was faced with the opportunity to either keep an old pattern on repeat, or close the door on a particular chapter.
I chose to close the door, or maybe it was more like clear the doorway; removing blocks to make space for what it is I truly want to come in. Or, at the very least so I could at the very least let some fresh air in, instead of holding my breath waiting. {you can hear more about this in this week’s episode on Relentlessly Authentic Radio, “closing doors” if you want to hear more on this}
Endings are never fun, but when it's true and in service of self, honoring of the sacredness of my space and energy; when it is listening and leading from soul— the pain and grief have a slightly different frequency to it. It still hurts but there is a knowing that it is the right thing in this moment.
In this season— letting go, cutting energetic cords with others and the access I have historically left open for them—is allowing me space to rewrite old stories that no longer serve where it is I want to be, and give the opportunity to throw out the non-truth’s that I picked up like souvenirs along the way around my worthiness of love, belonging and safety— specifically in partnership with men. And it’s an opportunity to open to that which is in the highest expression of my being and actually have the heart[h] space to receive it.
It’s a reclamation of pieces of me that I have long outsourced to the world around, waiting with bated breath for them to return. How disempowering that has been! And how it has left me— because I cannot control what someone else does/doesn’t do— is scattered, sometimes shattered, and depleted. And that in and of itself is not fertile ground for creation. So in this new season, I feel that it is time for me to step out of that particular void, because the air’s getting too thin. I chose a death—that is not without grief— but in service of a more whole me. Without death, there is no new life…
One of the cards I pulled this morning, the "IMPROBABILITY" card from the Supra Oracle deck, had a statement in the description that really jumped out at me:
"But ultimately, life is much bigger than just being safe...Not being afraid to take the road of uncertainty is the first step in finding your authentic destiny in the world. And that journey, at once deeply personal and at the same time totally universal, is the only one worth taking..."
Being faced with one of these deaths, whether actual physical death, or any life pivot, whether you made the choice or it was made for you— it’s vulnerable— is both deeply personal and totally universal. The past few weeks as a collective it's felt like the death of the hope that things weren't quite as screwed up as we deep down knew they were. But bit by bit, I think we are on a larger scale beginning to reckon with the fact that there is more than we ever could have imagined that is out of balance, and how much work there is to be done in order to shift things. And however you feel about it is 100% valid and yours. Feel it. You get to be here and feel. This is being human. And we have a choice. We can stay in the hopelessness, the grief, the righteous rage and drown in it, or we can be with it, accept it, and allow it to move us… transmute it into something inspired— by soul— from heart and truth.
And taking that next step forward is necessary. And it can take your breath away; the sheer force of disruption— like jumping into a freezing lake— so please, remember to breathe. And then breath again. If it's all you can do, that is enough. Just breathe. Stay with you. You will acclimate. You are that resilient. Just breathe. That’s a step.
sitting with tension // it can be both
Chapters ending make way for new life, new beginning; new chapters with big wide open arms. And just because that may be true, it doesn't mean the endings don't hurt like hell. Both can be true at the same time. Sitting with the tensions. This is a powerful practice. I rarely know what is coming next, and that can be scary, but leading from a place of choosing what will allow me the most room to embrace and flow in the life/death/life cycle that is inherent to every aspect of our very nature, leaves room for what is wanting to come in, that will serve me in this version of me.
And remembering that this soul that is “me”, housed in this temporary flesh, is infinite. There is never a time I have not been and there will never be a time I cease to be. And the same applies to you. This brings me a comfort amidst the madness. So the discomfort doesn't leave, and the pain in endings suck, but there has to be a letting go, a shedding, a creating more room— in order to allow the next season, the next moment, the next iteration of me— of you, of humanity— to unfold authentically.
And there is no set timeline for this. The void is a valuable place to be, but it is not meant to be a forever place. There is a place in you that knows when it’s time to sit and when it’s time to move, I share messages like this as examples of my learning and exploring the nuances of my own life/death/life cycles. The overarching message:
LISTEN TO YOUR SELF AND LEARN YOUR INNATE RHYTHM
…from an embodied and deeper space that the fear in your mind will tell you stories about. What are you holding onto out of fear/ comfort/ sense of security, that is causing a sense of suffering in this moment?
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What are you holding onto out of fear/ comfort/ sense of security, that is causing a sense of suffering in this moment?
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What needs to be honored and grieved wholly, so that the healing process can move forward-that may be blocking the way for a newer, truer- definitely unknown- but more alive, authentic, true iteration of you to step forward?
Big questions, I know, so while you ponder {or not} enjoy the libra season // equinox vibes playlist I made for you { click here to listen on Spotify}
Sending you so much love and big hugs, wherever this message is meeting you.
With gratitude and always LOVE,
