closing doors // death for creation

the process of creation //

Lately I have been doing my best to notice the little things that I find myself getting lost in- as in, those activities, experiences or tasks that I find myself spending hours on end just focused in on, or feeling a sense of joy and excitement in the creation of- and I realized that making playlists is something that I really enjoy and have been doing as a form of my creative expression for decades...

It brings me back to my days making mixed tapes in my bedroom; evolving in the internet age to downloading {virus infected} songs from Limewire and Napster to burn CD's for team warm up playlists or mixes to play on my car rides or as gifts to friends {literally my entire hard drive was filled with music}, and now Spotify makes this a breeze with endless options for my listening pleasure.

{and yes, I did make mixed tapes on actual tapes 📼- anyone else remember sitting in front of the boombox waiting for the song to come on the radio you liked and rushing to hit record, hoping the DJ's wouldn't play some stupid interlude that interrupted the song?But I digress...}

The process of creation is an aspect of the feminine energy, it is the birthing of something new into life, and in this culture of "hustle" and "doing" it's so easy to de-value the importance of getting lost in the creation of something, for no reason other than it brings you joy or energizes and keeps your potent life force flowing. But I invite you to resist the urge to turn everything creative into something that needs a dollar value or justification for why you are doing it attached. I’m super guilty of this as someone who melds my creative side with making a living and a part of my calling in service in this world. But it is a slippery slope, and I more often than I can count, have found myself dried up creatively because I haven’t left anything just for me, just for the sake of creating and flow.

Do the things because they feel good. Because you are present to it and everything else fades away. And then notice the instinct to feel you need to justify that to someone, mostly you. We are human beings and a part of bringing a balance back into this world, we need to get back to being and flowing unapologetically…


closing doors // saying goodbye

Another aspect of the feminine energy rising, is embracing the other side of the cycle of creation: death. This seasonal shift has me feeling empowered and on purpose. It's always been my favorite time of year— a settling in of sorts— and in the waning days of Virgo season {late September} in preparation to step into the abundance and celebration that is the harvest season, I was faced with the opportunity to either keep an old pattern on repeat, or close the door on a particular chapter. 

I chose to close the door, or maybe it was more like clear the doorway; removing blocks to make space for what it is I truly want to come in. Or, at the very least so I could at the very least let some fresh air in, instead of holding my breath waiting. {you can hear more about this in this week’s episode on Relentlessly Authentic Radio, “closing doors” if you want to hear more on this}

Endings are never fun, but when it's true and in service of self, honoring of the sacredness of my space and energy; when it is listening and leading from soul— the pain and grief have a slightly different frequency to it. It still hurts but there is a knowing that it is the right thing in this moment.

In this season— letting go, cutting energetic cords with others and the access I have historically left open for them—is allowing me space to rewrite old stories that no longer serve where it is I want to be, and give the opportunity to throw out the non-truth’s that I picked up like souvenirs along the way around my worthiness of love, belonging and safety— specifically in partnership with men. And it’s an opportunity to open to that which is in the highest expression of my being and actually have the heart[h] space to receive it.

It’s a reclamation of pieces of me that I have long outsourced to the world around, waiting with bated breath for them to return. How disempowering that has been! And how it has left me— because I cannot control what someone else does/doesn’t do— is scattered, sometimes shattered, and depleted. And that in and of itself is not fertile ground for creation. So in this new season, I feel that it is time for me to step out of that particular void, because the air’s getting too thin. I chose a death—that is not without grief— but in service of a more whole me. Without death, there is no new life…

One of the cards I pulled this morning, the "IMPROBABILITY" card from the Supra Oracle deck, had a statement in the description that really jumped out at me:

"But ultimately, life is much bigger than just being safe...Not being afraid to take the road of uncertainty is the first step in finding your authentic destiny in the world. And that journey, at once deeply personal and at the same time totally universal, is the only one worth taking..." 

Being faced with one of these deaths, whether actual physical death, or any life pivot, whether you made the choice or it was made for you— it’s vulnerable— is both deeply personal and totally universal. The past few weeks as a collective it's felt like the death of the hope that things weren't quite as screwed up as we deep down knew they were. But bit by bit, I think we are on a larger scale beginning to reckon with the fact that there is more than we ever could have imagined that is out of balance, and how much work there is to be done in order to shift things. And however you feel about it is 100% valid and yours. Feel it. You get to be here and feel. This is being human. And we have a choice. We can stay in the hopelessness, the grief, the righteous rage and drown in it, or we can be with it, accept it, and allow it to move us… transmute it into something inspired— by soul— from heart and truth.

And taking that next step forward is necessary. And it can take your breath away; the sheer force of disruption— like jumping into a freezing lake— so please, remember to breathe. And then breath again. If it's all you can do, that is enough. Just breathe. Stay with you. You will acclimate. You are that resilient. Just breathe. That’s a step.

sitting with tension // it can be both

Chapters ending make way for new life, new beginning; new chapters with big wide open arms. And just because that may be true, it doesn't mean the endings don't hurt like hell. Both can be true at the same time. Sitting with the tensions. This is a powerful practice. I rarely know what is coming next, and that can be scary, but leading from a place of choosing what will allow me the most room to embrace and flow in the life/death/life cycle that is inherent to every aspect of our very nature, leaves room for what is wanting to come in, that will serve me in this version of me.

And remembering that this soul that is “me”, housed in this temporary flesh, is infinite. There is never a time I have not been and there will never be a time I cease to be. And the same applies to you. This brings me a comfort amidst the madness. So the discomfort doesn't leave, and the pain in endings suck, but there has to be a letting go, a shedding, a creating more room— in order to allow the next season, the next moment, the next iteration of me— of you, of humanity— to unfold authentically. 

And there is no set timeline for this. The void is a valuable place to be, but it is not meant to be a forever place. There is a place in you that knows when it’s time to sit and when it’s time to move, I share messages like this as examples of my learning and exploring the nuances of my own life/death/life cycles. The overarching message:

LISTEN TO YOUR SELF AND LEARN YOUR INNATE RHYTHM

…from an embodied and deeper space that the fear in your mind will tell you stories about. What are you holding onto out of fear/ comfort/ sense of security, that is causing a sense of suffering in this moment?

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What are you holding onto out of fear/ comfort/ sense of security, that is causing a sense of suffering in this moment?
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What needs to be honored and grieved wholly, so that the healing process can move forward-that may be blocking the way for a newer, truer- definitely unknown- but more alive, authentic, true iteration of you to step forward? 

Big questions, I know, so while you ponder {or not} enjoy the libra season // equinox vibes playlist I made for you { click here to listen on Spotify}

Sending you so much love and big hugs, wherever this message is meeting you.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{two years ago, today.}

Waxing Crescent, Moon in Leo

Two years ago today, I died;

July 21, 2018, a date forever seared in memory.

many deaths took place that day.

an intricate weaving of rhythm and melody,

beautifully chaotic harmony carrying me to the agonizing crescendo;

and concluding in an indescribable synchronistic calamity.

the type of ending that leaves you breathless;

Divine cataclysm.

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A diamond in the rough, forged by impossible pressure, torn from the womb;

carried aboveground, delivered by the tricksters, Odin’s winged messengers

taunting me, crying out in mimicking tones; deeper into familiar uncharted territory

volcanic eruption of deeply buried memories

broken open; bleeding out

liberated in heartbreak

loss to be found; the greatest gift.

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[In your eyes]

stars are born, souls collide

a universe unraveled; a journey back—

to inner sanctum; to soul; to self

a sweet reprieve; the most delicious exhale

safety in the abyss

home.

in your eyes, I am home;

in your absence I found me.

oh sweet paradox.

[in your eyes]

***

{July 21, 2018: Reflecting on a day that will forever be one of the most intensely painful and transformative days of my life. Sitting with familiar tension in deep reverence and gratitude for the perfection in the unfolding.}

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This was day 2 of my 28 day moon cycle writing challenge I am giving myself. I struggled to get anything to flow today, and the only thing that got me through was the commitment I made to myself and a little bit of “i’m running out of hours in the day” magic [you procrastinators know what i’m talkin about ;)]. Part of this challenge is seeing if I can notice any themes or alignment with my creativity, flow and energy as it relates to the actual moon, which is why i’m tracking it in at the beginning of each other posts. I hope you have a beautiful day, wherever you are in the world, and as always, I so appreciate your taking the time to be here, to read my words and take this journey with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

My Mirror My Love

This morning I stood in front of the mirror and I talked to you, I talked to me. I looked myself in the eyes and asked the questions, felt the pain and wondered out loud in desperation and frustration… How? How do I let go? Why is the suffering so pronounced and how am I perpetuating it? Why am I stuck here?

Well, It’s an easy distraction. When the uncertainty of the rest of my life starts to crumble in around me, it’s easy to go to the pain and longing as a distraction from that anxiety. Sadness and longing are feelings I have intimate relationships with; I’m comfortable there. So I use you. As a distraction from what feels scarier, more unknown, more intense and out of control.

Also, I realized this paradox that keeps me here. It’s knowing… deeply knowing that I have to let go in order to allow in.

Which seems contradictory, I have to let you go to let you in. You being love. You represent love. The deepest reflection I’ve ever been present to. You are the deepest recognition of me, of my love, that I’ve witnessed in this lifetime. 

I have to let go of a piece of me in order to let go of you. And that pisses me off. And it’s also necessary. This is a different type of death; it is the death of the story that has played out one too many times in my life… The victim story that people always leave. Nobody stays to love me, to keep me safe, to protect me. I’m too much to be loved wholly and for someone to be there unconditionally. That once they get what they need from me, once they have taken from me their fill, they are gone because they really just want something simpler or are too afraid to go to the depths and intensity that I call home. That is who I have to let go of, and I have to let go of the suffering I feel as a result of your departure in order to call bullshit on that story. In order to truly be open to love. I have to let you go to let you in. You are love. My love.

I have been so angry at you, at me… for this time. For this pain I feel. The grief, I read today, is all the love that one has left to give that has nowhere to go [or at least it’s the mind’s perception of the lack of container to pour into]. I’m not sure if I believe that, but what I know is that I have so much more love to give … so much more… and the grief is like a neon sign reminding me of that. I feel trapped in it. And my judgement— my indignation of the wrongness of this space— is perpetuating suffering.

But looking at me, looking at you this morning in the mirror I recognized: this love, this powerful potent love—I know you know what I’m talking about— it has a place to go. I just have to decide to accept that and redirect it. I have control over where it goes and I’ve been avoiding this acknowledgement and ownership. Frankly, because I want to give it to you. I want. There are things I want and I don’t like that I’m not getting what I want. And you know the type of hissy fit I can throw when not getting what I want. The judgement keeps me both stuck and safe in suffering. All I really need to do is pour into me. To stop seeking answers and logical explanations for why and accept that the only reason I’m seeking in the first place is because I’m avoiding the space that the love must go first before anything I want can become.

This space is the final frontier; it’s the deepest darkest night. It’s Me.

Right now, I’m standing on the precipice. Will I finally jump? Will I finally let go? Relinquish to the transformation that has been happening over the past 24 months? Will I allow the transformation to move through me and complete this cycle?

The incubation period has been dark. It has been uncomfortable.

And the more I grow, this small space within the womb has gotten more and more claustrophobic. I can feel that I have overstayed my welcome. What a funny pattern I have. My birth was surrounded by the same cycle. I stayed just a little longer— I needed more time. I just wasn’t ready. And even when I was ready, I wasn’t ready. Because when are we ever ready? When are we ever ready to take the treacherous journey, through the darkness, through spaces way too small for our bigness, and out into the bright new world? Where everything is unknown; where the stimulus is so intense that our little brand new eyes, so sensitive, cannot even open to it right away. We need time to acclimate…one step at a time. We’ve been through this before and it was fucking terrifying. And now, with all the days and years of experience, we know how scary and amazing and dangerous this world really can be. With the awareness of that truth, is it more or less scary to come out, leaving the safety and warmth of a place too small for us, and begin again? I don’t know the answer to that because I’ve been hanging out in the dark and constricted comfort of the underworld, the dark damp world beneath. I know it’s time for me to come out, to begin again and be out there, unprotected; it’s time for the wildflower to poke her head above ground and risk it all to grow toward the light. It is the way, it is the path.

And, it is my destiny. I was never meant to be small, to play it safe. I am wild and strong and a little reckless in the subtlest of ways. I was meant to adventure, to explore the unknown. To maintain the innocence of one who doesn’t know better and believes the best in the world around her all while pushing the boundaries of the status quo.

That girl—she isn’t naive— she is a warrior of that which is good. She knows that something like evil exists, but it is her job to continue to see and reflect the good in all there is.

To be the beacon of doing better. She has to show up, even when she wants to crumble into cynicism and defeat. Even when she wants to blame and play victim, she has to show up and remind us all, that the world is a beautiful, magical place. That nature demands imperfection and is beauty personified and she is a representation of all that exists; a reminder of the simplicity and transformative power of a knowing smile coming from a place of compassion. It isn’t easy, but it comes easy to her.

She never was too rebellious or destructive, because that just isn’t her nature. The times she was, it was because she was trying to be something she was not, on the path to finding her Truth. And through that, she fell down. She crawled around in the dark. She hurt others and was hurt. She learned what is her and what isn’t. So it’s no longer even worth thinking that the grass could be greener on the other side, because she knows it isn’t.

Her rebellion is a simple one. Relentless authenticity. Truth. Kindness and love. Unapologetically accepting and loving all. She is a bright light and not everyone can handle standing in her reflection; and not everyone is meant to.

You see, she isn’t all rainbows and butterflies and positivity. She’s real. This shit isn’t easy. Descending into the underworld and keeping one foot firmly planted above ground is a test of will and a feat of strength… of trust. She’s a testament that it’s possible to lean in and not get swept up and lost forever in the swirling shadows of the deepest, darkest sides of humanity, even as she continues to straddle the fissure between two worlds.

She is truth. She is all, as there is nothing out there that isn’t within her. She is everything. Even as she doubts this, sitting on the floor, typing these words, in her childhood bedroom, no longer a child. She knows, despite her ego trying to convince her of her failure somewhere along the way. This is no random occurrence; it’s all divinely orchestrated. Though, she sometimes rolls her eyes and wonders why in the HELL she agreed to some of this shit. It’s confusing. To feel this divine knowledge and trust of the path that is unfolding while being practical in a physical world. It is enough to drive some mad. Some days it drives her mad… it brings to mind a line from a good ol’ country song by Sturghill Simpson once shared with her…

“So forgive me if sometimes I seem a little crazy/ But goddamn, sometimes crazy is how I feel…”

Sometimes, crazy is just how I feel, as she is me. Splitting at the seams. And then, in moments of divine clarity, I recognize that the fractures are to let the light out and the love in. They are there to teach me, show me my own strength and resilience. My own ability to heal and mend, my Self and to empower others to do the same for themselves.

This world, this experience, this body, this life… it’s a trip. It’s so easy to lose sight of the beauty within the mess when in it. But take a step back. Think about all the experiences that led to where you are in this exact moment, and ask yourself… could this all really be random? Could it be anything other than orchestrated by some power greater than you? Think about the greatest challenge you’ve endured and how that experience shaped you— the strength you gained—if nothing else from the recognition of the depth of horrors you can survive. How it prepared you for the next one, and the one after that. That’s resilience.

And stop for a second, right here, right now; in this exact moment, reflect on how strong, how capable and how blessed you are to be breathing and experiencing everything.

That’s presence.

Now, for a moment, look back and think about who you have been. This may be more challenging to sit with, but I invite you to smile at the shame, breathe deeply into the moments you immediately go to that make you cringe; to embrace the little you who you have continually judged as weak, that you have desperately tried to escape and say “thank you” to that survivor. Who you have been [despite your judgement] has led you to this version of you. This you, that is paving the way in this moment for where you are headed next.

That’s grace.

And you may not be able to see a clear picture of what is to come next, but will you allow yourself to feel it? Not being able to see what is next is not on accident. It’s a blessing and a million little lessons. It’s tempting you to trust. Daring you to let go of the desire to control and instead, to allow. It’s offering you the opportunity to listen and take action from a deeper knowing than your fear could ever let you see.

It’s overwhelming really to imagine my self in this body, in this life and my place in the order of the chaos that is this experience. I laugh to myself when I really think about it. The fact that I am, that you are, exactly on time; that we are all connected and a part of this collective, and there is nothing that we have to learn outside of us. There is only that which we need to uncover within. The outside world is just a reflection meant to help us remember what we already deeply know. The truth, which is, that we are all on purpose. We are all meant to be. We all are. It’s our choice how we show up and react to that.

So take a look in the mirror. Ask the questions burning in your heart. Listen for the answers— just listen—they are there for you. All you need to do is be still, to allow, to feel, and then… let go.

Let go and allow love in. ♥︎

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Thank you for reading and being a part of this journey with me. I would love to hear what came up in you as you read this, and if you have any questions for me, please do not hesitate to comment below or email info@nicolettebernardes.com.

With gratitude and always LOVE,