a snapshot in time// los molinos

A snapshot in time

August 2018; Los Molinos, Spain

Talk about descent into darkness...

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August, 2018: My world as I knew it had just burned to the ground— eight weeks in Berlin had been explosive and I was then about a month past the most intense energetic opening and subsequent pouring out I had ever experienced... ⁠
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⎢𝒔𝒊𝒅𝒆 𝒃𝒂𝒓 𝒇𝒐𝒓 𝒄𝒐𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒙𝒕: because I really like to make things exciting, the day of this breakthrough/burndown, I manically reached out for a lifeline— the man I was dating at the time— as I had convinced myself that if I just heard "it's going to be ok Nicolette" then I could find my bearings, and instead, he broke up with me, through a voice memo from across the ocean😂... so while thats a different story, lets just say, it added a 𝒃𝒊𝒕 of gasoline to the pyre of what was being burned down— a perfect synchronicity to really make sure I left behind what needed to die off.⎥⁠

...I was wandering, sort of here, sort of not. Piecing myself back together. Oscillating between absolutely numb, to feeling everything; from no appetite, to literally shoving as much food into me as I could to fill the hurt spaces; to try to feel something and at the same time to make it stop hurting. ⁠

And in my wandering; from the ashes of my old ideas of identity, who I was and wasn't, how I felt, what I needed and wanted, I found my way to this magical little slice of the world... Los Molinos, Spain, where I spent a few days with a woman, Marina, who walked with me, taught me and held space for my ongoing unraveling. ⁠
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Outside of a few hours of sleep, we talked for almost 3 days straight; it was exhausting and beautiful. ⁠
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She taught me about Enneagram, Human Design and Astrology, we both shared stories of our lives; of heartbreak, our beliefs about love and connection— an evolving concept moment to moment. ⁠
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We held each other as we cried, we cooked meals and wandered around the mountainous desert landscape along the River Aguas where this little village was nestled. ⁠

It was one of those synchronicities- one of the many that summer— ⁠

a special human, with wisdom beyond her years; a big beautifully open and loving heart to hold my aching one; the healing balm of the receptive arms of the feminine energy- a respite I desperately needed. And it was in a magical crystal pool she shared with me, this photo was taken.

Feeling undone + untethered; heavy, exhausted and a little feral; and a wanting to embody— to become—the deep greens, clear waters and shimmering mica walls I was standing amidst.

Another layer, a visceral memory. A moment of gratitude for the winding path I have been on and continue to walk and the amazing souls I have encountered along the way.

⫷⚕︎⫸

Thanks for coming down memory lane with me.

With big love and hugs,

descent into darkness

companion piece to “a new layer; exposed”

It started as a journal entry. A thread of an idea that morphed into a twisty journey into the depths; as per usual, my own and then stepping out looking at the challenges [as I see it] facing humanity at large; eventually to broken down into two expressions; the foundation setting [that would be this one] and a sharing of my own personal season of darkness [a new layer; exposed]. So in this first half of the whole, i’m going to take you down, down, down the stairs, into the basement and then beyond. One step at a time we are going to make our descent… I hope you enjoy…

⫷♀︎⫸

“a shift so slow it’s barely noticeable, until one day we find that we are immersed in the dark once again; left wondering how we came to be back in this place, again; a descent into darkness…”

seeking the light, rejecting the dark; a metaphor + tension points

We are steeped in divisiveness.

Looking for who is to blame for whatever problems we are facing, individually or collectively; feeling confused, hurt, desperate, terrified— or likely at this point—numb to most of it. Why? Because we are afraid of and disconnected from ourselves and from each other. In the name of survival for far too long we have been going along with this divide and conquer methodology— coerced into picking sides in the name of safety, survival and belonging.

One of the great paradoxes we are faced with is the fact that there is duality and non-duality; individual physical beings here to experience this life as the “I” but also, I believe, to come back to Self at such a depth that we remember that we are also divine— every single one of us— threads of the great tapestry of Soul, God, Divine, The Universe—doesn’t matter which label you give it— it is us, and we are it.

I once heard someone say [and i’m paraphrasing] that Oneness created separation to experience itself through the differences we all have and the variety of experiences we each go through— so we are both meant to experience the individual journey of the particular fragment of Soul that you came here to be and learn and grow through, as well as come back to the recognition of the God, the Good within that exists within us all, because we are it.

And sitting with the tension of holding multiple truth’s is challenging, especially the ones that require trust, faith, and a willingness to open our often fearful hearts and take the risk of truly witnessing another. And where it seems to me we have focused in on— to avoid such vulnerabilities and in an attempt at a grab for power [which equates to safety and survival in our unconscious] at least in Western culture— is the dualities. And then taking it a step further as a means to an end— we have created hierarchy and then punitive penalties for not falling in line with the prescribed way.

us vs. them, good vs. evil, light vs. dark, savage vs. civilized; the list goes on and on...

To use the seasons and cycles of nature as a metaphor for our struggle to hold space for the tension of two seemingly conflicting things lets talk about night and day for a moment, the literal light and dark.

We have been conditioned to look forward to summer and dread winter; at worst to despise, at best to tolerate the dark whereas the light is not only acceptable, but revered and strived for—the golden standard {pun intended}. And I get it, on some level we need things like sunlight and vitamin D to actually live— sun is important and being immersed in the dark can be unsettling. But just as there can be unseen dangers in the dark, equally so, the sun can literally kill you if you sit under it for too long.

Both contrast and balance are important in order for us to maintain perspective and frankly, any sort of reverence for the other side of any spectrum. One is not actually better or worse, it’s all in the perspective [and propaganda]. Each “side” which is really a spectrum, has a set of gifts and strengths as well as challenges, weaknesses or inherent dangers.

And the imbalance, the inability to hold the tension, is what I see as the root of so much of our suffering when I look at society as a whole— the obsession and borderline manic need to pick a side and then camp there, immovable; a rejection of parts of the whole and thereby a limited set of parameters of what is acceptable/safe/lovable/right and anything outside of that is wrong/bad/dangerous. Brené Brown refers to them often as our “ideological bunkers”. But regardless of what label you give to it, it’s limiting us, hurting us; killing us— literally, right now, in this moment.

The deeper the roots, the higher the branches

We passed the high point of daylight in the northern hemisphere a few weeks ago— the summer solstice— and now every day, until the winter solstice in late December, there will be slightly less daylight; and as such I’ve found myself reflecting a lot on the themes of darkness, cycles, and how we relate to our nature— both our personal nature and our place in it— as within, so without— and when I feel into what is happening on a collective level, I sense a visceral tension.

So many of us individually, along with long held structures and ideas being called up [and out] to reflect, to dismantle and shed [or burn to the ground]. This is a hero’s journey sort of call to courage and adventure. This is a call to descend into the darkness.

And with that invitation comes the tension point of potential change, and a lot of resistance. Resistance to the surrendering of the old in order to be reborn; resistance to receiving each other in our differences; resistance to seeing what we have previously been able to claim ignorance around, but are running out of places to hide from— the uncomfortable truth, previously relegated to the shadows as a result of a sort of societally encouraged blindness.

Convenient non-truths for a select few, from which we are all wounded.

And when I step out of the dramas of my own personal human experience [because i’m feeling this inside my own being on multiple levels], and take a look around from the observers perch, what i’m noticing— in friends and family, on social media— are these moments, of invitation and initiation; breakdown, reckoning— suddenly feeling like what was is no longer and now a new seemingly inevitable yet daunting path awaits. This is a season of descent. One that I imagine will last much longer than the six months of waning daylight we are currently on the path of.

If you’ve been here for a while you may recall a post last year I wrote about awakening and my own journey and this quote just came to mind:

“Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy. It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn’t. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.”

if you haven’t read “Awakening” you can find it here

shattering the illusions

It’s the archetypal story of the search for love and soul; a tale as old as time; the often times treacherous journey of awakening. The archetype of Psyche*, the Greek Goddess feels very present during this time, as astrologically she is sitting in the sign of Cancer— the watery, deeply feeling yet guarded outer shell—symbolized by the crab; ruled by the moon. In an article by Judith O’Hagan, she describes Psyche as meaning: ‘breath, soul, mind’; and the Goddess Psyche gives her name to psychiatry, psychology, psychotherapy, and psychic. Her myth is a wisdom story about the awakening of consciousness.” [link to her fully article in the footer]

This call to wake up, to what truly is, looks like many things, and it’s different for each of us; there is no one “right” way to do this— there is however only one direction to go, and that is in.…

descent into awakening.

Awakening is not about being above your humanity as some sort of destination to aim for; in fact it’s not about rising above anything. It’s about uncovering and embracing the fullness of your being and along the way, shedding the aspects that limit your capacity to receive love; that restrict your capacity to connect with the world around you. It’s moving through the stories, beliefs and non-truths that keep you from expressing your unique amalgamation of human and being able to accept others in theirs.

It brings you to a space where you can be fully present and open to the connection we all share in an acceptance and reverence for the nuance that has always existed, that we’ve just been too afraid to witness.

It’s being able to be curious instead of certain.

About being able to witness instead of judge.

Being fully engaged and in awe of the endless flavors that are available for us to experience—if we allow ourselves to be that open, that vulnerable— that brave— to be willing to see.

So no, it’s not about rising above, however, a byproduct of this expansion and liberation of soul is the expansion of the container that consciousness is. It is descent for expansion.

Down the rabbit hole

“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.”

— -Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

the darkness: loosely defined

So what is this darkness i’m talking about? The darkness is a metaphor for the feminine [energy]. It’s an incubation space— the womb; the underworld and the birth canal.

It’s death and rebirth [the Life/Death/Life cycle]; the birthplace of creation and sensuality and pleasure and pain. It is unpredictable and confronting.

It is infinitely deep, not to be claimed, controlled or conquered; the moon floating in all Her expansive glory; the deepest, darkest woods where magic and mystery reside; the indescribable waters of the psyche.

It is the nourishing soil beneath the surface that allows our roots to take hold and our gardens to grow.

It is soul space.

And She, Shakti— life force energy itself— forces a sort of presence that requires us to rely on senses other than physical sight. Not rational, nor clearly defined; always shifting and changing, absolutely not linear or controlled or even practical at times. And so I get it, on some level why we are at the very least uncomfortable with embracing our own darkness; why we fear it, why we try our best to avoid it. It’s unknown. And just as our rejection of the darkness has led us to fear our own shadows, our resistance to letting go of control [a control we don’t really actually have in the first place] has led us to fear any sort of discomfort.

And to face and be willing to explore Her [the feminine energy, the darkness] comes with an inevitability; embracing Her, bringing Her in close assures that nothing will ever be the same. But, in the the words of Joseph Campbell— Mr. Hero’s Journey himself— “the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”.

So to offer a bit of a reframe of this long held belief that dark equals bad/evil/scary/undesirable [pick your favorite adjective and insert here]: what if this long and slow descent into darkness we are currently in the midst of were something your soul agreed to, to experience in this life? That the only certainty, was that it was going to move you in ways that you may not be able to imagine, but it eventually was going to lead you exactly to where you need to be, to become exactly who you are meant to be? And to lean into, to accept and hold reverence for the force that it is, even amidst the discomfort and pain that can come along with it, is a part of your purpose in this life— does that perspective change anything for how you relate to these parts of yourself long relegated and locked away in the corners of your being?

Just as there is a time for the sun to burn bright; for us to take inspired action, there are times to be steeped in the darkness unable to use our [limited] physical senses, thereby offering an opportunity to heighten others.

Or that which goes against the very foundation of our hustle culture/capitalistic society—the ability to rest and recharge— to sleep so we can actually function at full capacity. Yes, I know in theory you know sleep is important, but how much do you truly embrace and revere it? Is it something sacred or just another means to an end you do because you have to? This may seem like an insignificant point, but it is just another example of how what and how we have been told to value something has been assigned and creates a potentially harmful division— putting two things that could co-exist— work and rest— at odds with one another; a narrative that needing to rest being for the weak or “those not willing to do what it takes to succeed” and asking of us that we deny our bodies needs in pursuit of money, power, success—“the grind” glorified at the ultimate expense of our overall well being, and for what?

Why can’t we coexist in harmony instead of competition?

And this brings me back to where we began: the divisiveness and need to place the dualistic judgements of what is good, better, best. If we could learn to neutralize these judgements of either/or, of right/wrong or better/worse— what might that do to our capacity to hold more space for ourselves and each other.

Could it possibly change how we relate with self or shift how we step into the seasons and cycles of change, of doing and being, of death and rebirth— that are inherent to our true nature?

judgement as the limiting factor— change the narrative, change the world.

Now i’m going to invite you to imagine: a time when humans held a reverence for the sacredness of the Earth and all She provides; of the wilderness, of the night, of all living organisms. Where instead of a seeking to conquer, stake our claim for ownership and attempt to control—land, resources, each other— instead saw ourselves as stewards of the grounds we occupied, the champion of those people and things we were surrounded by, with no exclusions of what/who were to be treated with love and respect.

A time where there was a healthy awareness and acceptance of the inherent dangers of existing amidst it all— because of the understanding of our connection and role in the massive ecosystem we are a part of— and with that awe inspiring reverence and acceptance, there existed an allowance and the capacity to live fully and openly. A time when we looked to Nature and it’s cycles as a reflection of our own humanity [cue Elton John “it’s the cirrrcleeeee of life…”].

Imagine a time or space where the idea or presence of death was not met with abject terror and avoidance at all costs, but understood as the inevitable contrast that allows us to appreciate that which makes life so precious: that it ends.

rejecting death

And this brings us to the relationship we have with death. This is, at least in my opinion the greatest barrier to acceptance and embracing the darkness and thereby reclaiming our whole, true selves.

The judgement that death is somehow wrong—a punishment of some sort being doled out by a power higher than ourselves; the fear we have of the literal circle of life, is a barrier to living this life fully and wholly— both light and dark. Death can be sad. There is grief and heartbreak and a deep sense of loss when someone or something we care for dies. There will only ever be one of each of us and that is significant. The pain of loss is something to hold massively loving space for people to grieve and process however is authentic for them; it deserves to be acknowledged and felt. And it doesn’t mean it is wrong.

Our judgements of our emotions [or rejection of them] is the greatest barrier to our acceptance of the full spectrum of our humanity

And sometimes that person we have to grieve the death of is us. Who we are in this moment; little us; letting go of who we have been in the past and the story we’ve told ourselves about who we are or are not. Letting go of these stories that likely allowed us to survive our childhoods and the environments we came from, but don’t actually serve who we are becoming, so must be surrendered and allowed to die off, in order for us to step into new phases, seasons or cycles of our lives.

I have found personally that there is a well of grief in these deaths— that I had no conscious awareness were even there until I started my own descent. Leaning into this territory is some confronting shit; not only are you letting go of a familiar version of being, it is also an activation of the sense that “without this i’m not safe”. And because all of these emotions are the territory of the feminine energy, our challenging relationship with them, leads to a rejection of the parts of us that need to be witnessed, that need permission to flow: Anger, sadness, grief, longing— none of these emotions are wrong or bad, they just are; energy in motion, a part of the experience of being human. They are merely a part of the spectrum that is always moving always shifting.

I’m going to invite you to reflect for a moment on what feels like this culturally adopted belief— that i’m putting into my own words— that may not ever have been spoken directly to you or written this way, but that I feel so many of us pick up or have been shown along the way in this life — the belief that we were given this big spectrum of these big and small emotions as some sort of test to see how well we can reject what is innate to us. To challenge us to see how well we can capture, control and lock away the unruly bits, and only let ourselves and the world around us see the comfortable, “appropriate” ones.

Am I the only one who picked up along the way that there was no acceptable time and place for a a good heavy cry? What about that “anger is bad/dangerous— don’t be angry”. Or to experience pleasurable moments is shameful or selfish; that the only way to get the pat on the head of “good” was to keep it all under lock and key or at the very least hidden away for nobody else to have to see?

Have you adopted one or all of these [or others] as your own truth and belief— as in, is this how you deal with and relate to your emotional states? And if so, how has that been working out for you?

And as always, especially if you are new here— there is zero judgement here, where you are in this moment is exactly where you are meant to be, and whatever you are feeling, is held in this space with love; this is merely an invitation as always for reflection. If it sparks something in you, I would invite you to follow the thread and see where it leads you, if not, move on.

And also—believe what feels true to you. What I believe: there isn’t anything wrong with any of our emotions, it’s how we relate to them that I see as problematic. I believe they are indicators— to what we are thinking about or needing to pay attention to, in a moment; meant to flow and move and shift. They are a state of being, not who we are. And I believe we were given this deep capacity to feel as a way to experience the divine in the mundane.

Just because it’s on purpose, doesn’t mean it’s easy.

It is a challenge. And it absolutely is work to take ownership of our own emotions; takes practice to wield them in a way that does no harm to ourselves or others. And likely, nobody taught you even where to begin with this. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I reject the notion that we were designed to fit into a few cramped boxes of existence and anything outside of that is wrong/bad somehow. And I also reject the idea that were created in order to resist and reject the aspects of ourselves and each other that don’t fit into those boxes; as if it’s some sort of test by God that we have to pass in order to be deemed worthy.

Does that feel a bit off to anyone else?

Now, it may feel like “the way” because of the way we have operated for far too long. But it doesn’t make it absolute, or the way it is meant to be.

The passed down narrative of controlling self and each other— the “dominator consciousness” that tells us the non-truth that power is finite and must be taken or given to us in order to be safe has led us to believe that the only way to be in the world is through repressing, fighting with and rejecting parts of our humanity, specifically the parts that have been associated with the feminine— creating a hierarchy of essentially the “most and least human” and thereby worthy of love, belonging, safety and sovereignty— and my, how that bullshit narrative has stuck and been absorbed by all of us on some level. And it’s side affects have been devastating…

So the choice to reckon with— emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually— what has led us to standard operating procedure in this world is a major piece and catalyst for the awakening on a collective level we are being invited into:

A shift in our point of focus; a shift out of resistance and rejection of this aspect of self and other— and into curiosity and receptivity— so we can stop limiting our capacity to love, express and allow a sense of safety and trust to exist that allows all of us to be our whole, full selves. We are all made of light and dark. Rational and irrational. Deeply feeling and sensing and also laser focused and pragmatic. We must bring all parts forward.

[*and quick side-bar if you’re new here: we alllllll have feminine energy, so this isn’t just a “woman thing”, none of us are exempt from this and if you don’t like the label of masculine/feminine energy, feel free to insert another that resonates more deeply with your truth, just know that regardless of how you label it, this polarity exists within each of us, and that’s beautiful and perfect.]

What fearing death also does, is keep us stagnant;

There are so many deaths happening—or at least opportunities for death on a metaphorical level that we resist— that are the catalysts for our liberation, for our most nourishing relationship with self and the world around us, but our fear of the discomfort that these deaths bring, and the stories we have been told about how it’s bad/wrong/dangerous— keeps us from leaning into and surrendering to them; to shed the old skin that no longer fits us and to be reborn.

The way it’s been for a really, really long time— has been. It had its own purpose and things that had to be experienced before we were ready to shift out of and into a new space. And as we so easily forget and get caught neck deep in the drama we’ve created— this is why I love stepping back and looking to nature for examples of how to surrender and flow; a reminder that after the dark, there is light; there is a season for death and then rebirth and on and on and on. These are the mirror of what we are, how we naturally are if we allow ourselves to just be. We were not designed to be stagnant and never change. And we were not meant to all be the same as one another [how fucking mind-numbingly-boring that would be].

Being the same, staying the same, is more comfortable for sure. But it does a disservice to ourselves and the world around us for us to resist and reject our authentic expressions, cycles and seasons.

It’s time to do things differently.

Historically, the darkness, otherwise known as the watery depths of the psyche and the feminine energy has been rejected.

She [capital S] has been scapegoated and deemed as less than, weak. It has been made a societal standard for it to be dangerous to rest into and express from these spaces; to express authentically the whole spectrum of our being. And yes, this has deeply affected all of us and is a big part of what has contributed to where we are today, to our mucky relationship with the darkness.

And I want to make sure you understand, that the darkness, is not a one and done, scale the mountain peak and “thats it” sort of thing. The cycles and seasons of the darkness are on the micro and the macro. They happen slowly and unfold over years, months. They happen every single day when the sun sets; you die in every exhale. There is no actual escaping this, without abandoning self.

The darkness— the feminine— is a part of you. So breathe down into the space— into your physical being. and even for just a moment accept that your soul, your life force energy— your whole self— is right here, whether you can feel it or not. That you are supported and guided by this unseen force, always. And even if you can only connect with it for an hour, or even a moment. This is part of your journey back to self, back to sensation— back to soul. It is personal and unique and universal. It is a sacred gift; a connection to the divine. And it is yours to embody if and whenever you so choose. Whenever you are willing to lean in.

Our resistance to soul, to receiving the gifts that She has to offer, has kept us in conflict not just with the world around us in this unnatural hierarchy of what’s acceptable or good and right vs. what is not; but most tragically in conflict with our own selves. Waging wars within. And this is where I have found myself, time and time again— even with all that I know to be true, fighting with myself, struggling to accept the wholeness of my humanity.

I dive more into where this expression came from in the follow up to this, “a new layer, exposed”; a reflection of my own personal reckoning with the darkness and my current iteration of it; a new layer that’s been peeled back and exposed— now needing to be integrated into my present being— and how i’ve been fighting like hell to hold on [yea, all that stuff about resisting death— guilty over here— it seems I am human afterall]. You can find that expression here.

But what i’ll leave you with for now, is a quote from Women Who Run With the Wolves— because after all, Clarissa Pinkola Estés just has all the most deeply resonant words when it comes to reclaiming what is our birthright and our true essence [if you haven’t read Women Who Run With the Wolves, it’s one of my all-time-top recommendations!]— and I felt that these words are a great reminder and maybe a loving nudge to lean in; after all that I have just dumped in your lap to sort through;

and as it relates to this descent and call into the darkness— into our personal + collective awakening journey:

“All the “not readies,” all the “I need time,” are understandable, but only for a short while. The truth is that there is never a “completely ready,” there is never a really “right time.” As with any descent to the unconscious, there comes a time when one simply hopes for the best, pinches one’s nose, and jumps into the abyss. If this were not so, we would not have needed to create the words heroine, hero, or courage.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés; "Women Who Run With the Wolves"

So be brave, be kind, be curious; with the world around you and most importantly with yourself.

You are finding your way to a home you likely never consciously knew you were seeking, craving or missing—but on some level always knew existed; the safe space you’ve been waiting for. It is just now the time for you to lean in and go about the business of finding your way back; it’s time to descend into the darkness.

Thank you for being here, lovely soul in all your beautiful humanity. I’m sending so much love as you navigate these psychic waters; you’ve got this!

With gratitude and so much love,

⫷♀︎⫸

PS- The sun is currently transiting the sign of Cancer and as I mentioned earlier, the asteroid Psyche is as well + we are sitting in a New Moon in Cancer, today as I type these final words— Cancer a water sign, the sign of the crab— the guarded outer shell protecting a deeply feeling and flowing aspect of our being; also ruled by the moon— so yea, we are full on in the waters of the feminine, the underworld, the space of pyschic exploration and awakening during this time, which fits so beautifully with this whole expression + so i’m loving the synchronicity of completing this and the companion piece today, after wrestling with it for the last two and a half weeks or so.

If you are interested in a beautiful synopsis of the Cancer New Moon [or any current astro event], I highly recommend checking out my beautiful story-weaving sister friend @skyloreastrology on IG, for her take on the New Moon In Cancer

PPS- Also, to read the full post I mentioned earlier, about the archetypal story of the Goddess Psyche written by Judith O’Hagan, click here

Be well sweet ones ❤︎

a new layer; exposed

a companion piece to “descent into darkness”

⫷♀︎⫸

“Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak its truth, she is pressured to be silent.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, "Women Who Run With the Wolves

Fighting with my darkness.

I’ve been hiding. While I am perpetually inviting others to embrace the beauty of their whole spectrum of humanity— and I truly believe in that— still on some level, i’ve feared and resisted my own. I’ve held back authentic expressions of the depths and edges I can’t stifle, can’t avoid. I have been [maybe noticeably, maybe not] absent, on social media, with my newsletter and my expressions here; everywhere really—other than my local coffee shops, because hey, I still need some human interaction.

I’ve been MIA, In part it’s because my brain was not cooperating to put my many feelings and thoughts into form; another part of it has been that i’ve felt overwhelmed, overstimulated and just didn’t want to engage with the world. But then there is something else…

I have felt the internal groan of “ugghhh, not another gloomy, moody expression about the underworld, depths, depression, how untethered and uninspired I feel”— since that is basically what I have felt to express almost every time I sit down to put pen to paper over the last year or so. And I have felt like a broken record. Repeating over and over the most intensely uncomfortable track. And the narrative of “nobody wants to hear this story line again” has been staring me down as it plays on repeat in the background of my mind.

And maybe you don’t want to hear it; but that’s not really the point. The point is I have allowed it to keep me from sharing the full, unfiltered truth about the landscapes I have been traversing. And because as I will share in a moment, I have been getting what I asked for, a loving, present and grounded man who wants to do this life dance together— all in—and I love and trust him… and i’m still not “good”.

I’m still struggling to feel a deep sense of connection with myself or other. In actuality, i’m facing, more aggressively the recognition of how little I trust and allow myself to be vulnerable; how unsafe I think i’ve always felt—especially in intimacy—but i’m just noticing it now. And that feels challenging [understatement]. It brings up a lot of deep grief and a lot of questions. And one of those questions is “what is missing?”, meaning what parts of me are not functioning that would otherwise allow me to feel safe, connected and satisfied with life— and where have they gone?

I’ll tell you what, it’s not a fun space to be sitting in. So while I haven’t shared the whole truth, avoidance has been the go to because i’m not about to be up in here not being real. But with the avoidance of expressing I’ve found myself in a more chaotic space in my mind where the judgement and shame run rampant. And that’s a problem. By not expressing, i’ve felt more stuck, more confused and then more judgement—of the stuckness, confusion and judgement. In other words making it worse— because if you didn’t already know: what you resist, persists.

I have avoided sharing the fullness of the dark and twisty places my imagination conjures

because I don’t want people to worry about me, or ask if i’m ok, or get sick of me— in my seeming inability to be inspirational and hopeful; as though I need to balance the emo vibes with some form of positivity or certainty or wisdom in the face of uncertainty.

And in the midst of the unwraveling i’ve been going through—i’ve on some level been operating from an old story that goes a little something like: in order to be acceptable, in order for there to be anyone left once the fog clears, I can’t share all of it, it’s too much.

So i’ve withdrawn. And frankly, i’ve been sick of myself; sick of feeling the sadness and grief of lifetimes being exposed and pouring out. Sick of feeling broken and unable to show up in certain areas of my life. And afraid that if I give myself freedom to just share whatever is bouncing around in my mind, who knows what the hell might come out— and that feels a bit dangerous [hello fear of letting go of control, I see you].

Layers of armor are being peeled away to reveal a lot of hurt and fear and uncertainty, showing me things i’ve never been able to see about myself. These experiences are the reckoning i’m having to lean into the deeper I descend. And i’ve not been graceful or grateful about it. I’ve just wanted it to be over.

The thing is, I know that there is nothing actually wrong with where I am; nothing wrong with who I am. And still in the status quo of society it feels unacceptable and as though there is no space that can hold the fullness of me. And even more so— in my body, in memories that feel ingrained in my DNA, it feels dangerous to lean in and explore these spaces. This is something that I have held back on expressing because I judged myself for not being able to be past it, and also didn’t want to scare people away from this work, but I think there are a few really important things to bring in here about this.

The first, is that just because we know our shit— meaning just because we have awareness— doesn’t mean we are magically healed/done with it.. try to give yourself some grace in that there is a lot of unlearning to do before we can learn new, healthier and more sustainable ways of being; and your awareness is a gift, even when it feels like it would be so much better to go back to being blind to it— and I say this with love— it isn’t, better or possible, and acceptance is a much less painful path, I know from experience.

The second thing: we all have trauma, whether it’s our lived experiences, or what has been handed off unhealed to us—and whether or not we remember or have repressed it. I believe that part of our life’s work is about taking ownership of our own healing, without shame or blame or feeling like there is something wrong with us— and holding space for other people to be as messy and clunky and unsure through these layers of healing as we are going to be.

And the third is a loving reminder, for myself and for you: when we have been traumatized, when we carry trauma in our bodies— either from our actual lived experience, our past lives, or that which has gone unhealed and passed along generationally— it’s not as simple as doing the “right things”; meditation, therapy, etc— we have to peel back the layers of conditioned trauma response and be willing to “risk” not operating from that place. And that requires an awareness of how we are reacting to our world— either from an open, compassionate place, or a guarded and hypervigilant, defensive place— and then we have to decide to do something different; to lean into the discomfort that feels dangerous in order to build new patterns that will allow ourselves to step out of the patterned stress response 24/7 to actually rest and digest and recharge and heal what is crying out for our attention.

And to do this we have to to find and/or create safe spaces—

both within our self and in our immediate environments in order to work to untangle the web of habitual trauma/stress/survival response [when it is the type of response that has us constantly on guard] — otherwise we are consistently re-traumatizing and reinforcing to our nervous system that are in fact not safe.

Accepting that we are vulnerable and that we cannot control the world around us, and all that we can control is how we show up and how we react; and then do the best we can with whatever comes up. Whew, no big deal right?

[I hope it’s not lost in translation that i’m being cheeky here, this is big, big brave and confronting work and I understand why we do our best to avoid it, and also hold deep reverence for how necessary and urgent it is that more of us take this journey.]

And with all of that, I think of society and the mirror it’s holding up to me— how much of our authentic, full spectrum feeling has been repressed, not discussed or even acknowledged and the obsession with “looking at the bright side”; how much trauma has gone unhealed and passed along under the “we don’t talk about that” blanket statement— without any mention of how damaging to our physical, emotional and spiritual well being this avoidance is.

And the gut punch for me: the recognition that on some level i’ve been filtering out of the same resistance and rejection I’m seeing out in the world around me— even though I know better; “oh hey societal conditioning, nice to see you again” [*insert eye roll*]

I talk about this and how I define the darkness more in “descent into darkness”, if you haven’t given that a read, you can find it here.

What I recognized just a few weeks ago, was part of the stuckness, the loop of feeling totally untethered and lost was because I haven’t allowed myself to express what is true for me. And the more I become familiar with myself I realize I have to do that for my whole well being; I have to show up, and I have to share where I am, who I am, regardless of who sees it, likes it, or agrees with it in order to find my way back to the other pieces of me that can’t— that won’t—feel safe to come out as long as I am rejecting these “less desirable” parts; a reclamation and healing of my relationship with, as Clarissa Pinkola Estés puts it in “Women Who Run With the Wolves” the “not-beautiful” aspects of my humanity— and showing up in them.

“What is the not-beautiful? Our own secret hunger to be loved is the not-beautiful. Our disuse and misuse of love is the not-beautiful. Our dereliction in loyalty and devotion is unlovely, our sense of soul-separateness is homely, our psychological warts, inadequacies, misunderstandings, and infantile fantasies are the not-beautiful. Additionally, the Life/Death/Life nature, which births, destroys, incubates and births again, is considered by our cultures the not-beautiful.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés; “Women Who Run With the Wolves”

As much as i’ve embraced my depths and dark, i’ve in equal measure judged, rejected and feared Her…

I have to honor it, honor these parts of myself and what I have judged as the “not-beautiful”; bring it in, hold it with love and acceptance if I ever want the deeply hurt little girl that lives in me, to come out of hiding; if I ever want to be able to give and receive love in a way that feels nourishing to me and those closest to me.

The inner battle that i’ve been waging is fucking exhausting.

And so, i’m going to lean in some more; to do my best to share more of this aspect of me. Meaning that wherever I am is where I am, even if it’s dark and twisty for weeks/months/years on end. If I ever want to liberate myself from the cages i’ve bound myself in, I need to stop hiding from you, but most importantly from me. I have to bring all of me forward for better or worse in order to accept me. To love and trust me. It’s not about “them out there”— not about you, the witness to this expression. It’s me. I have to accept the fullness of where I am in order to let myself out, to move through the stuck and heavy spaces into the safe and sacred space of full being.

On some level I haven’t left the tumultuous embrace of the darkness

For at least the last three years or so i’ve been learning how to recognize and swim in the depths I spent a lifetime not even realizing that I had been avoiding— after picking up along the way, the feeling that it was too much; that I was too much. It’s been an interesting journey, witnessing both, as I expand how I view it, and have begun to embrace it and revel in it while still fearing, resisting and on some level rejecting this vital aspect of my being.

And now as I type this i’m wondering if i’m ever meant to leave the darkness. Instead, maybe it’s the way I perceive and judge the darkness and a healthy integration that is the calling. My discomfort with it’s lessons and trials has left me battle weary, but how much of my fatigue is related to my resistance to surrender? How i’m perceiving the cycles are that make it so extra mucky. Maybe it really just sucks going through some of these seasons and lessons. And maybe thats just ok. But at the end of the day, the real is, that I am the depths. I am the darkness. And treating it as though it’s a place to conquer and then leave behind is really just trying to escape a part of myself;

fighting it and judging it is just resisting soul…

[*well shit— i’ve been wrestling with this expression for a few weeks and this came through as a realization during my editing process, so i’m real time processing with you here…bear with me…*]

So while I take a pause and *breathe* into what I just uncovered, i’ll invite you to take some time to reflect on what your relationship with your own “darkness” is, however you define that for yourself.

Do you find the same or different resistances to showing up authentically in the spaces you occupy?

Are there are parts of you that you are judging and repressing because of your fear that your world won’t accept you if you step into and take ownership of it?

And if that is hitting some spicy/resistant points in you, then I will nudge you to look a little deeper and see if it’s their rejection or your rejection? Is it your inner battle with these aspects of self that are a little less [or a lot less] comfortable? Or somewhere along the way did you pick up on the vibe that there was no space for this aspect of you?

Those are the spaces I would invite you to lean into, dare to witness and give some love to. This may include things like joy and pleasure as well, as they are some of the most vulnerable of the emotions that we are first to stifle in order to keep the other ones at bay. It you feel called out by this, then it’s for you, And I see you, I really do. In fact I know this all too well. And now that i’ve had a chance to recover from my little mini revelation, i[m going to dive into the layer, and territory i’ve been navigating in this very long season…

my current season of darkness//

a descent into acceptance and surrender; into love

The last 8 months have been a different sort of descent and definitely uncharted territory. I’ve been full on neck deep; in relationship. Getting exactly what I asked for in a man while simultaneously freaking the fuck out, because, well… he exists [wasn’t sure that was really gonna happen if i’m being honest] and now, I have to acclimate to what that means.

It has taken me to new depths, which on some level I knew were there, untapped, but in no way could I have been prepared for how confronting and disarming it’s been to be seen, witnessed and loved— at this capacity— and by someone who actually wants to be there; by a man who isn’t fighting or trying to control me every step of the way.

Why is this so damn confronting?

Well, all I have know before in partnership with men was resistance, walls, and a need on some level to guard myself against their advances on me as a result of me being considered a desirable woman. It’s been all about them and i’ve let it be, in fact that was what was comfortable. Feeling a compulsion to chase and hold on to someone for dear life, manically trying to prove to them how good I am, and accepting scraps of affection/attention while trying to convince myself that it was satiating my hunger;

feeling a need to play traffic cop but also this responsibility for their wants and desires [because you know society has basically told women forever— overtly and subtly— that they are objects here for the pleasure of men to be won or conquered, a paradox of both being revered as this sacred body while being scapegoated as dangerous and blamed for the shame of the world and our collective fall from grace; pedestalized and simultaneously judged by this standard of chastity or lack thereof, which of course is based mostly on whether or not a man has penetrated us— but I digress as thats a whole other conversation i’m not going to go into here].

There is also the pesky self judgement

My personal achilles heel. I have judged how much of my energy, focus and thoughts have been directed into the space of relationship. It has at times felt like a failure when I “should be focusing on building a business, creating my art, on making money”, etc. My desire to be connected bashing against the desire to “do it all myself”, independent woman and all. And i’ve felt the fear that I am going to lose myself— that which i’ve fought so hard to reclaim— in relationship… again.

There is so much fear present in my physical and emotional body. Fear of slipping away, stepping aside for another’s wants, needs— abandoning myself and merging with what they want. How my emotional and physical health will suffer as a result. It’s happened before… too many times. And that fear is an indication of my lack of trust. Of myself with other.

⫷For my astrology peeps this is a nod to my 7th house stellium (Sun in Libra, and Mercury, [Asteroid*] Lilith + Pluto in Scorpio) holding my feet to the coals of learning relationship and facing resistances to getting lost in the process, and then as a cherry on top of the metaphorical cake another little 3 car pileup in my 8th House— South Node + Saturn in Scorpio + Venus in Sagittarius— facing karma and current relationship to sex, death, transformation— distrust, betrayal and trauma [+ a lot of beef with the old patriarch, Saturn]. ⫸

Over the past few months, since being in this relationship, just having a man who communicates and brings presence and attention to me; who can witness me and hold space for me in intimacy— it’s bringing to the surface a lot of past life and ancestral memories of being violated— raped, beaten, not listened to, used as an object, and in one particularly visceral memory—taking my own life as the feeling of my only escape from the cages of my circumstances, after aforementioned rape, not being listened to and used as property to be traded. Let me tell you—it’s been a real doozy of a party up in here.

Not to mention the reckoning with the traumas that have happened in this life that I have done a lot of work on already, but facing the way that my body shuts down when people, but especially men come in close to me… it makes me angry, and sad and resentful of so many things and it’s been a lot of conflicting and intense emotions to sort through.

So all to say, relationships are fucking hard for me and intimacy is laced with land mines of all sorts of past trauma surfacing; and as beautiful as the container my partner holds for me is— and he has been amazing through all of it— it is the most vulnerable I’ve ever had to be. And I don’t really like it so much. But I need it, it’s what my soul agreed to and what i’ve been asking for.

Leaning into the fear of allowing myself to be that exposed, especially to a man is an exercise in conditioning my nervous system to just not freak out. That’s my measurement in success at the moment: can I let my partner hold me without shutting down. I know— quite a high bar i’ve set for myself [that was sarcasm btw, in case you didn’t pick up the subtext in that statement, but it is actually where I am]

Did I mention that the most beneficial cover that those unavailable men who resisted me provided, was the ability to never feel settled and safe enough to truly tap into my depths of vulnerability— to face the wounding that only having someone witnessing me with love and patience would bring to the surface?

Yea, brilliant survival strategy if I do say so myself.

And damn would it be easier to keep playing “woe is me” and standing on my moral high ground— by continuing to chase men who couldn’t/wouldn’t be there for me and therefore find myself in the familiar state of manic over-giving, putting their needs above my own and then absolutely being able to direct the blame at them for leaving.

I could do that, it definitely would feel safer.

But it would hurt me, as it always has. And I committed to doing no more harm to myself. I committed to coming home to myself, to face all that I hadn’t been able to when I was so focused on what everyone else was doing and trying to get them to stay. Plus, that’s not who I want to be or how I want to show up.

So, no I actually can’t do it anymore.

And so here I am, in the thick of this relating thing and it’s exposing depths of unhealed gunk that I couldn’t have known were residing in all sorts of corners of my being. And what i’ve come to believe amidst all of this, even as much as i’ve resisted and avoided and pouted about it?

We can only be reborn from the darkness if we allow it to destroy us. Surrender and stop attempting to control that which is not controllable, but instead meant to be witnessed with a healthy dose of reverence and awe for the force that it is. It’s work. And it’s beautiful. And i’m messy.

This is my current season of darkness. A new layer; exposed.

⫷♀︎⫸

Thank you for being here, reading this, in this life. I am so grateful for your witnessing.

If any of this expression brought anything up in you, I invite you to sit with it and give yourself an extra dose of compassion and love; just because you deserve it. It takes courage to see, to feel. And I see you.

There is a companion piece to this called “descent into darkness” that gives more context into how I define the darkness, the season I feel the collective is being called into and a bit about how we relate to it that can either be supportive to our healing or a hindrance to it. If you are interested in diving in, you can find “descent into darkness” here. Please share with anyone you feel needs these reflections and I would love to hear your reaction. Feel free to drop a note in the comments or send me an email: info@nicolettebernardes.com

If there is any way I can be of service as you navigate your own descent into self + soul, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. If you are interested in having space held for you to release and reconnect to self, you can schedule a session with me to guide you through this big work.

And regardless of where you are, I am sending you so much big love and the hope that you are feeling held and protected as you navigate this whole human experience!

Be well sweet human ❤︎

With gratitude and always love,

closing doors // death for creation

the process of creation //

Lately I have been doing my best to notice the little things that I find myself getting lost in- as in, those activities, experiences or tasks that I find myself spending hours on end just focused in on, or feeling a sense of joy and excitement in the creation of- and I realized that making playlists is something that I really enjoy and have been doing as a form of my creative expression for decades...

It brings me back to my days making mixed tapes in my bedroom; evolving in the internet age to downloading {virus infected} songs from Limewire and Napster to burn CD's for team warm up playlists or mixes to play on my car rides or as gifts to friends {literally my entire hard drive was filled with music}, and now Spotify makes this a breeze with endless options for my listening pleasure.

{and yes, I did make mixed tapes on actual tapes 📼- anyone else remember sitting in front of the boombox waiting for the song to come on the radio you liked and rushing to hit record, hoping the DJ's wouldn't play some stupid interlude that interrupted the song?But I digress...}

The process of creation is an aspect of the feminine energy, it is the birthing of something new into life, and in this culture of "hustle" and "doing" it's so easy to de-value the importance of getting lost in the creation of something, for no reason other than it brings you joy or energizes and keeps your potent life force flowing. But I invite you to resist the urge to turn everything creative into something that needs a dollar value or justification for why you are doing it attached. I’m super guilty of this as someone who melds my creative side with making a living and a part of my calling in service in this world. But it is a slippery slope, and I more often than I can count, have found myself dried up creatively because I haven’t left anything just for me, just for the sake of creating and flow.

Do the things because they feel good. Because you are present to it and everything else fades away. And then notice the instinct to feel you need to justify that to someone, mostly you. We are human beings and a part of bringing a balance back into this world, we need to get back to being and flowing unapologetically…


closing doors // saying goodbye

Another aspect of the feminine energy rising, is embracing the other side of the cycle of creation: death. This seasonal shift has me feeling empowered and on purpose. It's always been my favorite time of year— a settling in of sorts— and in the waning days of Virgo season {late September} in preparation to step into the abundance and celebration that is the harvest season, I was faced with the opportunity to either keep an old pattern on repeat, or close the door on a particular chapter. 

I chose to close the door, or maybe it was more like clear the doorway; removing blocks to make space for what it is I truly want to come in. Or, at the very least so I could at the very least let some fresh air in, instead of holding my breath waiting. {you can hear more about this in this week’s episode on Relentlessly Authentic Radio, “closing doors” if you want to hear more on this}

Endings are never fun, but when it's true and in service of self, honoring of the sacredness of my space and energy; when it is listening and leading from soul— the pain and grief have a slightly different frequency to it. It still hurts but there is a knowing that it is the right thing in this moment.

In this season— letting go, cutting energetic cords with others and the access I have historically left open for them—is allowing me space to rewrite old stories that no longer serve where it is I want to be, and give the opportunity to throw out the non-truth’s that I picked up like souvenirs along the way around my worthiness of love, belonging and safety— specifically in partnership with men. And it’s an opportunity to open to that which is in the highest expression of my being and actually have the heart[h] space to receive it.

It’s a reclamation of pieces of me that I have long outsourced to the world around, waiting with bated breath for them to return. How disempowering that has been! And how it has left me— because I cannot control what someone else does/doesn’t do— is scattered, sometimes shattered, and depleted. And that in and of itself is not fertile ground for creation. So in this new season, I feel that it is time for me to step out of that particular void, because the air’s getting too thin. I chose a death—that is not without grief— but in service of a more whole me. Without death, there is no new life…

One of the cards I pulled this morning, the "IMPROBABILITY" card from the Supra Oracle deck, had a statement in the description that really jumped out at me:

"But ultimately, life is much bigger than just being safe...Not being afraid to take the road of uncertainty is the first step in finding your authentic destiny in the world. And that journey, at once deeply personal and at the same time totally universal, is the only one worth taking..." 

Being faced with one of these deaths, whether actual physical death, or any life pivot, whether you made the choice or it was made for you— it’s vulnerable— is both deeply personal and totally universal. The past few weeks as a collective it's felt like the death of the hope that things weren't quite as screwed up as we deep down knew they were. But bit by bit, I think we are on a larger scale beginning to reckon with the fact that there is more than we ever could have imagined that is out of balance, and how much work there is to be done in order to shift things. And however you feel about it is 100% valid and yours. Feel it. You get to be here and feel. This is being human. And we have a choice. We can stay in the hopelessness, the grief, the righteous rage and drown in it, or we can be with it, accept it, and allow it to move us… transmute it into something inspired— by soul— from heart and truth.

And taking that next step forward is necessary. And it can take your breath away; the sheer force of disruption— like jumping into a freezing lake— so please, remember to breathe. And then breath again. If it's all you can do, that is enough. Just breathe. Stay with you. You will acclimate. You are that resilient. Just breathe. That’s a step.

sitting with tension // it can be both

Chapters ending make way for new life, new beginning; new chapters with big wide open arms. And just because that may be true, it doesn't mean the endings don't hurt like hell. Both can be true at the same time. Sitting with the tensions. This is a powerful practice. I rarely know what is coming next, and that can be scary, but leading from a place of choosing what will allow me the most room to embrace and flow in the life/death/life cycle that is inherent to every aspect of our very nature, leaves room for what is wanting to come in, that will serve me in this version of me.

And remembering that this soul that is “me”, housed in this temporary flesh, is infinite. There is never a time I have not been and there will never be a time I cease to be. And the same applies to you. This brings me a comfort amidst the madness. So the discomfort doesn't leave, and the pain in endings suck, but there has to be a letting go, a shedding, a creating more room— in order to allow the next season, the next moment, the next iteration of me— of you, of humanity— to unfold authentically. 

And there is no set timeline for this. The void is a valuable place to be, but it is not meant to be a forever place. There is a place in you that knows when it’s time to sit and when it’s time to move, I share messages like this as examples of my learning and exploring the nuances of my own life/death/life cycles. The overarching message:

LISTEN TO YOUR SELF AND LEARN YOUR INNATE RHYTHM

…from an embodied and deeper space that the fear in your mind will tell you stories about. What are you holding onto out of fear/ comfort/ sense of security, that is causing a sense of suffering in this moment?

◆

What are you holding onto out of fear/ comfort/ sense of security, that is causing a sense of suffering in this moment?
◆
What needs to be honored and grieved wholly, so that the healing process can move forward-that may be blocking the way for a newer, truer- definitely unknown- but more alive, authentic, true iteration of you to step forward? 

Big questions, I know, so while you ponder {or not} enjoy the libra season // equinox vibes playlist I made for you { click here to listen on Spotify}

Sending you so much love and big hugs, wherever this message is meeting you.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{friendly} enemy

Waxing Crescent Moon in Libra

Day 7/28: My heart is pounding. I feel tears pooling in my eyes, the heavy ones that have no choice but to be shed. I’m tired. I’m angry. I want to write “i’m frustrated” but I’m pretty sure i’m fucking pissed off. Frustrated always feels a little more palatable and reasonable considering what i’m being triggered by right now. But yea, I want to scream and blame and project all my whatever this hybrid emotion i’m feeling but can’t quite identify yet, off onto the next unassuming bystander [yea, i’m present enough to recognize that’s not actually how I want to show up, but I still feel the urge to offload in a major way]. It had been long enough since the last time and I wasn’t prepared for it today. The walls, the shut down. And I should have known it was coming with the territory I was tiptoeing into. I think I did know it was coming, and I did it anyway.

And I don’t know yet, why it is I pushed. Was it my place? Was I trying to fix? Were my efforts as innocent as I convinced myself they were or was I attached to a belief that I have and was wrapping it in a disguise to sneak it in the door? I haven’t sorted yet if I truly overstepped or I just stepped on the wrong nerve. I do know I feel a heaviness and a desire to curl up and pull away, to withdraw: this is one of my suits of armor when I all of a sudden feel unsure about my place in a space. I did the thing I haven’t done in a really long time. I got up and hid for a few minutes to withdraw from all the sharp words I could have used as weapons to cut him like a knife.

Words are my weapons and I have to wield them with reverence. Bouncing often between stifling my voice and manipulating a situation to my favor: extremes that are not in my highest expression of being. So instead of shutting down fully like I want to, I’m going to write a little story, absolutely colored by my hurt feelings in the healthiest way I can manage to offload and process what it is I’m truly feeling. Finding my balance point [as Libra always asks of me], while portraying one side of the story. It doesn’t feel amazing, but I’m not ready to take the blame quite yet, maybe that will come through tomorrow.

Here’s to being emotionally open even and especially when those you love the most trigger the fuck out of you and it leaves you with no option but to sit with it. Or in my case, since I made a promise to myself, i’m here writing it into a little dramatization of it while I’m still neck deep in my feels ;).

***

{𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚕𝚢} 𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚖𝚢

warning bells sound; drawbridge raised…

all of a sudden a perceptible shift

nobody in, nobody out

from trusted and welcome ally, relegated to enemy

caught attempting to infiltrate and expose weak spots in the fortress walls

a visceral transformation before my eyes; air between polarities suddenly electric

whip me by the lash of your tongue

your contradictions leaving a bitter taste in my mouth; in words left unspoken.

the voice inside warned me “this one might cost you.”

and deep down, I knew better

and also, sometimes the truth hurts.

alternative perspective, interpreted as accusation

too great a threat to territories deemed absolute in one’s mind.

repeat something enough times, and a truth it becomes

yet, if the foundation built upon is so sturdy; settled

why are mere exploratory expressions such a threat in the space inside these resolute walls?

you love me; still.

despite my curious disposition; I suppose

missed the memo on unacceptable sticking points it seems

they shoot the messenger in this kingdom.

precarious circumstance I find myself in once again

reminder that this is not my home, merely a conditional guest

and I refuse to sleep with one eye open

***

“She gets that the real transformation comes in letting love reach within her where it hasn’t been before. It doesn’t come from turning into the form that her ego wants, or that others might have preferred for her to be. It’s not about making sense from the outside. It’s about bringing what she had kept hidden, what she only revealed at night, what she kept secret as the thing that was most hideous about her and returning it to the light.”

-Meggan Watterson

So yea, day 7. Witnessing myself amidst the triggers. It happens less and less the more true I become to me, and therefore steals the breath from my metaphorical lungs for a few beats when it does happen. It took a solid 30 minutes to get my chest to stop buzzing this evening and as soon as I hung up the phone an explosive outburst of tears, a pillow got punched a few times and then screamed into [to any of my clients reading: yes I do the things I recommend to you too]. I needed to move the energy that felt trapped in my being. And I trust that it’s showed up to invite me into a space that it’s time to shine some light into, so I’m going to do my best to be with it; not trying to “figure it out”, but to feel into the edges and explore. Be open to seeing the pattern, the habit, the truth, amidst the feeling of rejection and whatever other stories my little self is telling at the moment.

The quote above is [of course] the medicine that came with my coffee this morning [out of “Mary Magdalene Revealed”] before any of this unfolded, and it feels like a steadying reminder and the perfect words to root this expression to the earth. I’m now going to bed, pretty sure there will be more tears before all is said and done, which means, there is still energy that wants to move. This is my process, one that I judged for many years and did not allow to unfold, one that a past version of me absolutely would not share with others. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. It doesn’t make sense to me half the time, but i’m ok with it. I am feeling things and they don’t feel “good” and I am ok. I trust that it’s here for me and I have the capacity to hold the tension and space within and allow it to move me as it may. Thanks for witnessing me this evening [or whenever these words find you], as always, I appreciate your presence, and willingness to join me on this wild little experiment we call life. ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,