descent into darkness
companion piece to “a new layer; exposed”
It started as a journal entry. A thread of an idea that morphed into a twisty journey into the depths; as per usual, my own and then stepping out looking at the challenges [as I see it] facing humanity at large; eventually to broken down into two expressions; the foundation setting [that would be this one] and a sharing of my own personal season of darkness [a new layer; exposed]. So in this first half of the whole, i’m going to take you down, down, down the stairs, into the basement and then beyond. One step at a time we are going to make our descent… I hope you enjoy…
⫷♀︎⫸
“a shift so slow it’s barely noticeable, until one day we find that we are immersed in the dark once again; left wondering how we came to be back in this place, again; a descent into darkness…”
seeking the light, rejecting the dark; a metaphor + tension points
We are steeped in divisiveness.
Looking for who is to blame for whatever problems we are facing, individually or collectively; feeling confused, hurt, desperate, terrified— or likely at this point—numb to most of it. Why? Because we are afraid of and disconnected from ourselves and from each other. In the name of survival for far too long we have been going along with this divide and conquer methodology— coerced into picking sides in the name of safety, survival and belonging.
One of the great paradoxes we are faced with is the fact that there is duality and non-duality; individual physical beings here to experience this life as the “I” but also, I believe, to come back to Self at such a depth that we remember that we are also divine— every single one of us— threads of the great tapestry of Soul, God, Divine, The Universe—doesn’t matter which label you give it— it is us, and we are it.
I once heard someone say [and i’m paraphrasing] that Oneness created separation to experience itself through the differences we all have and the variety of experiences we each go through— so we are both meant to experience the individual journey of the particular fragment of Soul that you came here to be and learn and grow through, as well as come back to the recognition of the God, the Good within that exists within us all, because we are it.
And sitting with the tension of holding multiple truth’s is challenging, especially the ones that require trust, faith, and a willingness to open our often fearful hearts and take the risk of truly witnessing another. And where it seems to me we have focused in on— to avoid such vulnerabilities and in an attempt at a grab for power [which equates to safety and survival in our unconscious] at least in Western culture— is the dualities. And then taking it a step further as a means to an end— we have created hierarchy and then punitive penalties for not falling in line with the prescribed way.
us vs. them, good vs. evil, light vs. dark, savage vs. civilized; the list goes on and on...
To use the seasons and cycles of nature as a metaphor for our struggle to hold space for the tension of two seemingly conflicting things lets talk about night and day for a moment, the literal light and dark.
We have been conditioned to look forward to summer and dread winter; at worst to despise, at best to tolerate the dark whereas the light is not only acceptable, but revered and strived for—the golden standard {pun intended}. And I get it, on some level we need things like sunlight and vitamin D to actually live— sun is important and being immersed in the dark can be unsettling. But just as there can be unseen dangers in the dark, equally so, the sun can literally kill you if you sit under it for too long.
Both contrast and balance are important in order for us to maintain perspective and frankly, any sort of reverence for the other side of any spectrum. One is not actually better or worse, it’s all in the perspective [and propaganda]. Each “side” which is really a spectrum, has a set of gifts and strengths as well as challenges, weaknesses or inherent dangers.
And the imbalance, the inability to hold the tension, is what I see as the root of so much of our suffering when I look at society as a whole— the obsession and borderline manic need to pick a side and then camp there, immovable; a rejection of parts of the whole and thereby a limited set of parameters of what is acceptable/safe/lovable/right and anything outside of that is wrong/bad/dangerous. Brené Brown refers to them often as our “ideological bunkers”. But regardless of what label you give to it, it’s limiting us, hurting us; killing us— literally, right now, in this moment.
The deeper the roots, the higher the branches
We passed the high point of daylight in the northern hemisphere a few weeks ago— the summer solstice— and now every day, until the winter solstice in late December, there will be slightly less daylight; and as such I’ve found myself reflecting a lot on the themes of darkness, cycles, and how we relate to our nature— both our personal nature and our place in it— as within, so without— and when I feel into what is happening on a collective level, I sense a visceral tension.
So many of us individually, along with long held structures and ideas being called up [and out] to reflect, to dismantle and shed [or burn to the ground]. This is a hero’s journey sort of call to courage and adventure. This is a call to descend into the darkness.
And with that invitation comes the tension point of potential change, and a lot of resistance. Resistance to the surrendering of the old in order to be reborn; resistance to receiving each other in our differences; resistance to seeing what we have previously been able to claim ignorance around, but are running out of places to hide from— the uncomfortable truth, previously relegated to the shadows as a result of a sort of societally encouraged blindness.
Convenient non-truths for a select few, from which we are all wounded.
And when I step out of the dramas of my own personal human experience [because i’m feeling this inside my own being on multiple levels], and take a look around from the observers perch, what i’m noticing— in friends and family, on social media— are these moments, of invitation and initiation; breakdown, reckoning— suddenly feeling like what was is no longer and now a new seemingly inevitable yet daunting path awaits. This is a season of descent. One that I imagine will last much longer than the six months of waning daylight we are currently on the path of.
If you’ve been here for a while you may recall a post last year I wrote about awakening and my own journey and this quote just came to mind:
“Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy. It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn’t. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.”
if you haven’t read “Awakening” you can find it here
shattering the illusions
It’s the archetypal story of the search for love and soul; a tale as old as time; the often times treacherous journey of awakening. The archetype of Psyche*, the Greek Goddess feels very present during this time, as astrologically she is sitting in the sign of Cancer— the watery, deeply feeling yet guarded outer shell—symbolized by the crab; ruled by the moon. In an article by Judith O’Hagan, she describes Psyche as meaning: ‘breath, soul, mind’; and the Goddess Psyche gives her name to psychiatry, psychology, psychotherapy, and psychic. Her myth is a wisdom story about the awakening of consciousness.” [link to her fully article in the footer]
This call to wake up, to what truly is, looks like many things, and it’s different for each of us; there is no one “right” way to do this— there is however only one direction to go, and that is in.…
descent into awakening.
Awakening is not about being above your humanity as some sort of destination to aim for; in fact it’s not about rising above anything. It’s about uncovering and embracing the fullness of your being and along the way, shedding the aspects that limit your capacity to receive love; that restrict your capacity to connect with the world around you. It’s moving through the stories, beliefs and non-truths that keep you from expressing your unique amalgamation of human and being able to accept others in theirs.
It brings you to a space where you can be fully present and open to the connection we all share in an acceptance and reverence for the nuance that has always existed, that we’ve just been too afraid to witness.
It’s being able to be curious instead of certain.
About being able to witness instead of judge.
Being fully engaged and in awe of the endless flavors that are available for us to experience—if we allow ourselves to be that open, that vulnerable— that brave— to be willing to see.
So no, it’s not about rising above, however, a byproduct of this expansion and liberation of soul is the expansion of the container that consciousness is. It is descent for expansion.
Down the rabbit hole
“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.”
the darkness: loosely defined
So what is this darkness i’m talking about? The darkness is a metaphor for the feminine [energy]. It’s an incubation space— the womb; the underworld and the birth canal.
It’s death and rebirth [the Life/Death/Life cycle]; the birthplace of creation and sensuality and pleasure and pain. It is unpredictable and confronting.
It is infinitely deep, not to be claimed, controlled or conquered; the moon floating in all Her expansive glory; the deepest, darkest woods where magic and mystery reside; the indescribable waters of the psyche.
It is the nourishing soil beneath the surface that allows our roots to take hold and our gardens to grow.
It is soul space.
And She, Shakti— life force energy itself— forces a sort of presence that requires us to rely on senses other than physical sight. Not rational, nor clearly defined; always shifting and changing, absolutely not linear or controlled or even practical at times. And so I get it, on some level why we are at the very least uncomfortable with embracing our own darkness; why we fear it, why we try our best to avoid it. It’s unknown. And just as our rejection of the darkness has led us to fear our own shadows, our resistance to letting go of control [a control we don’t really actually have in the first place] has led us to fear any sort of discomfort.
And to face and be willing to explore Her [the feminine energy, the darkness] comes with an inevitability; embracing Her, bringing Her in close assures that nothing will ever be the same. But, in the the words of Joseph Campbell— Mr. Hero’s Journey himself— “the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”.
So to offer a bit of a reframe of this long held belief that dark equals bad/evil/scary/undesirable [pick your favorite adjective and insert here]: what if this long and slow descent into darkness we are currently in the midst of were something your soul agreed to, to experience in this life? That the only certainty, was that it was going to move you in ways that you may not be able to imagine, but it eventually was going to lead you exactly to where you need to be, to become exactly who you are meant to be? And to lean into, to accept and hold reverence for the force that it is, even amidst the discomfort and pain that can come along with it, is a part of your purpose in this life— does that perspective change anything for how you relate to these parts of yourself long relegated and locked away in the corners of your being?
Just as there is a time for the sun to burn bright; for us to take inspired action, there are times to be steeped in the darkness unable to use our [limited] physical senses, thereby offering an opportunity to heighten others.
Or that which goes against the very foundation of our hustle culture/capitalistic society—the ability to rest and recharge— to sleep so we can actually function at full capacity. Yes, I know in theory you know sleep is important, but how much do you truly embrace and revere it? Is it something sacred or just another means to an end you do because you have to? This may seem like an insignificant point, but it is just another example of how what and how we have been told to value something has been assigned and creates a potentially harmful division— putting two things that could co-exist— work and rest— at odds with one another; a narrative that needing to rest being for the weak or “those not willing to do what it takes to succeed” and asking of us that we deny our bodies needs in pursuit of money, power, success—“the grind” glorified at the ultimate expense of our overall well being, and for what?
Why can’t we coexist in harmony instead of competition?
And this brings me back to where we began: the divisiveness and need to place the dualistic judgements of what is good, better, best. If we could learn to neutralize these judgements of either/or, of right/wrong or better/worse— what might that do to our capacity to hold more space for ourselves and each other.
Could it possibly change how we relate with self or shift how we step into the seasons and cycles of change, of doing and being, of death and rebirth— that are inherent to our true nature?
judgement as the limiting factor— change the narrative, change the world.
Now i’m going to invite you to imagine: a time when humans held a reverence for the sacredness of the Earth and all She provides; of the wilderness, of the night, of all living organisms. Where instead of a seeking to conquer, stake our claim for ownership and attempt to control—land, resources, each other— instead saw ourselves as stewards of the grounds we occupied, the champion of those people and things we were surrounded by, with no exclusions of what/who were to be treated with love and respect.
A time where there was a healthy awareness and acceptance of the inherent dangers of existing amidst it all— because of the understanding of our connection and role in the massive ecosystem we are a part of— and with that awe inspiring reverence and acceptance, there existed an allowance and the capacity to live fully and openly. A time when we looked to Nature and it’s cycles as a reflection of our own humanity [cue Elton John “it’s the cirrrcleeeee of life…”].
Imagine a time or space where the idea or presence of death was not met with abject terror and avoidance at all costs, but understood as the inevitable contrast that allows us to appreciate that which makes life so precious: that it ends.
rejecting death
And this brings us to the relationship we have with death. This is, at least in my opinion the greatest barrier to acceptance and embracing the darkness and thereby reclaiming our whole, true selves.
The judgement that death is somehow wrong—a punishment of some sort being doled out by a power higher than ourselves; the fear we have of the literal circle of life, is a barrier to living this life fully and wholly— both light and dark. Death can be sad. There is grief and heartbreak and a deep sense of loss when someone or something we care for dies. There will only ever be one of each of us and that is significant. The pain of loss is something to hold massively loving space for people to grieve and process however is authentic for them; it deserves to be acknowledged and felt. And it doesn’t mean it is wrong.
Our judgements of our emotions [or rejection of them] is the greatest barrier to our acceptance of the full spectrum of our humanity
And sometimes that person we have to grieve the death of is us. Who we are in this moment; little us; letting go of who we have been in the past and the story we’ve told ourselves about who we are or are not. Letting go of these stories that likely allowed us to survive our childhoods and the environments we came from, but don’t actually serve who we are becoming, so must be surrendered and allowed to die off, in order for us to step into new phases, seasons or cycles of our lives.
I have found personally that there is a well of grief in these deaths— that I had no conscious awareness were even there until I started my own descent. Leaning into this territory is some confronting shit; not only are you letting go of a familiar version of being, it is also an activation of the sense that “without this i’m not safe”. And because all of these emotions are the territory of the feminine energy, our challenging relationship with them, leads to a rejection of the parts of us that need to be witnessed, that need permission to flow: Anger, sadness, grief, longing— none of these emotions are wrong or bad, they just are; energy in motion, a part of the experience of being human. They are merely a part of the spectrum that is always moving always shifting.
I’m going to invite you to reflect for a moment on what feels like this culturally adopted belief— that i’m putting into my own words— that may not ever have been spoken directly to you or written this way, but that I feel so many of us pick up or have been shown along the way in this life — the belief that we were given this big spectrum of these big and small emotions as some sort of test to see how well we can reject what is innate to us. To challenge us to see how well we can capture, control and lock away the unruly bits, and only let ourselves and the world around us see the comfortable, “appropriate” ones.
Am I the only one who picked up along the way that there was no acceptable time and place for a a good heavy cry? What about that “anger is bad/dangerous— don’t be angry”. Or to experience pleasurable moments is shameful or selfish; that the only way to get the pat on the head of “good” was to keep it all under lock and key or at the very least hidden away for nobody else to have to see?
Have you adopted one or all of these [or others] as your own truth and belief— as in, is this how you deal with and relate to your emotional states? And if so, how has that been working out for you?
And as always, especially if you are new here— there is zero judgement here, where you are in this moment is exactly where you are meant to be, and whatever you are feeling, is held in this space with love; this is merely an invitation as always for reflection. If it sparks something in you, I would invite you to follow the thread and see where it leads you, if not, move on.
And also—believe what feels true to you. What I believe: there isn’t anything wrong with any of our emotions, it’s how we relate to them that I see as problematic. I believe they are indicators— to what we are thinking about or needing to pay attention to, in a moment; meant to flow and move and shift. They are a state of being, not who we are. And I believe we were given this deep capacity to feel as a way to experience the divine in the mundane.
Just because it’s on purpose, doesn’t mean it’s easy.
It is a challenge. And it absolutely is work to take ownership of our own emotions; takes practice to wield them in a way that does no harm to ourselves or others. And likely, nobody taught you even where to begin with this. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
I reject the notion that we were designed to fit into a few cramped boxes of existence and anything outside of that is wrong/bad somehow. And I also reject the idea that were created in order to resist and reject the aspects of ourselves and each other that don’t fit into those boxes; as if it’s some sort of test by God that we have to pass in order to be deemed worthy.
Does that feel a bit off to anyone else?
Now, it may feel like “the way” because of the way we have operated for far too long. But it doesn’t make it absolute, or the way it is meant to be.
The passed down narrative of controlling self and each other— the “dominator consciousness” that tells us the non-truth that power is finite and must be taken or given to us in order to be safe has led us to believe that the only way to be in the world is through repressing, fighting with and rejecting parts of our humanity, specifically the parts that have been associated with the feminine— creating a hierarchy of essentially the “most and least human” and thereby worthy of love, belonging, safety and sovereignty— and my, how that bullshit narrative has stuck and been absorbed by all of us on some level. And it’s side affects have been devastating…
So the choice to reckon with— emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually— what has led us to standard operating procedure in this world is a major piece and catalyst for the awakening on a collective level we are being invited into:
A shift in our point of focus; a shift out of resistance and rejection of this aspect of self and other— and into curiosity and receptivity— so we can stop limiting our capacity to love, express and allow a sense of safety and trust to exist that allows all of us to be our whole, full selves. We are all made of light and dark. Rational and irrational. Deeply feeling and sensing and also laser focused and pragmatic. We must bring all parts forward.
[*and quick side-bar if you’re new here: we alllllll have feminine energy, so this isn’t just a “woman thing”, none of us are exempt from this and if you don’t like the label of masculine/feminine energy, feel free to insert another that resonates more deeply with your truth, just know that regardless of how you label it, this polarity exists within each of us, and that’s beautiful and perfect.]
What fearing death also does, is keep us stagnant;
There are so many deaths happening—or at least opportunities for death on a metaphorical level that we resist— that are the catalysts for our liberation, for our most nourishing relationship with self and the world around us, but our fear of the discomfort that these deaths bring, and the stories we have been told about how it’s bad/wrong/dangerous— keeps us from leaning into and surrendering to them; to shed the old skin that no longer fits us and to be reborn.
The way it’s been for a really, really long time— has been. It had its own purpose and things that had to be experienced before we were ready to shift out of and into a new space. And as we so easily forget and get caught neck deep in the drama we’ve created— this is why I love stepping back and looking to nature for examples of how to surrender and flow; a reminder that after the dark, there is light; there is a season for death and then rebirth and on and on and on. These are the mirror of what we are, how we naturally are if we allow ourselves to just be. We were not designed to be stagnant and never change. And we were not meant to all be the same as one another [how fucking mind-numbingly-boring that would be].
Being the same, staying the same, is more comfortable for sure. But it does a disservice to ourselves and the world around us for us to resist and reject our authentic expressions, cycles and seasons.
It’s time to do things differently.
Historically, the darkness, otherwise known as the watery depths of the psyche and the feminine energy has been rejected.
She [capital S] has been scapegoated and deemed as less than, weak. It has been made a societal standard for it to be dangerous to rest into and express from these spaces; to express authentically the whole spectrum of our being. And yes, this has deeply affected all of us and is a big part of what has contributed to where we are today, to our mucky relationship with the darkness.
And I want to make sure you understand, that the darkness, is not a one and done, scale the mountain peak and “thats it” sort of thing. The cycles and seasons of the darkness are on the micro and the macro. They happen slowly and unfold over years, months. They happen every single day when the sun sets; you die in every exhale. There is no actual escaping this, without abandoning self.
The darkness— the feminine— is a part of you. So breathe down into the space— into your physical being. and even for just a moment accept that your soul, your life force energy— your whole self— is right here, whether you can feel it or not. That you are supported and guided by this unseen force, always. And even if you can only connect with it for an hour, or even a moment. This is part of your journey back to self, back to sensation— back to soul. It is personal and unique and universal. It is a sacred gift; a connection to the divine. And it is yours to embody if and whenever you so choose. Whenever you are willing to lean in.
Our resistance to soul, to receiving the gifts that She has to offer, has kept us in conflict not just with the world around us in this unnatural hierarchy of what’s acceptable or good and right vs. what is not; but most tragically in conflict with our own selves. Waging wars within. And this is where I have found myself, time and time again— even with all that I know to be true, fighting with myself, struggling to accept the wholeness of my humanity.
I dive more into where this expression came from in the follow up to this, “a new layer, exposed”; a reflection of my own personal reckoning with the darkness and my current iteration of it; a new layer that’s been peeled back and exposed— now needing to be integrated into my present being— and how i’ve been fighting like hell to hold on [yea, all that stuff about resisting death— guilty over here— it seems I am human afterall]. You can find that expression here.
But what i’ll leave you with for now, is a quote from Women Who Run With the Wolves— because after all, Clarissa Pinkola Estés just has all the most deeply resonant words when it comes to reclaiming what is our birthright and our true essence [if you haven’t read Women Who Run With the Wolves, it’s one of my all-time-top recommendations!]— and I felt that these words are a great reminder and maybe a loving nudge to lean in; after all that I have just dumped in your lap to sort through;
and as it relates to this descent and call into the darkness— into our personal + collective awakening journey:
“All the “not readies,” all the “I need time,” are understandable, but only for a short while. The truth is that there is never a “completely ready,” there is never a really “right time.” As with any descent to the unconscious, there comes a time when one simply hopes for the best, pinches one’s nose, and jumps into the abyss. If this were not so, we would not have needed to create the words heroine, hero, or courage.”
So be brave, be kind, be curious; with the world around you and most importantly with yourself.
You are finding your way to a home you likely never consciously knew you were seeking, craving or missing—but on some level always knew existed; the safe space you’ve been waiting for. It is just now the time for you to lean in and go about the business of finding your way back; it’s time to descend into the darkness.
Thank you for being here, lovely soul in all your beautiful humanity. I’m sending so much love as you navigate these psychic waters; you’ve got this!
With gratitude and so much love,
⫷♀︎⫸
PS- The sun is currently transiting the sign of Cancer and as I mentioned earlier, the asteroid Psyche is as well + we are sitting in a New Moon in Cancer, today as I type these final words— Cancer a water sign, the sign of the crab— the guarded outer shell protecting a deeply feeling and flowing aspect of our being; also ruled by the moon— so yea, we are full on in the waters of the feminine, the underworld, the space of pyschic exploration and awakening during this time, which fits so beautifully with this whole expression + so i’m loving the synchronicity of completing this and the companion piece today, after wrestling with it for the last two and a half weeks or so.
If you are interested in a beautiful synopsis of the Cancer New Moon [or any current astro event], I highly recommend checking out my beautiful story-weaving sister friend @skyloreastrology on IG, for her take on the New Moon In Cancer
PPS- Also, to read the full post I mentioned earlier, about the archetypal story of the Goddess Psyche written by Judith O’Hagan, click here
Be well sweet ones ❤︎