descent into darkness

companion piece to “a new layer; exposed”

It started as a journal entry. A thread of an idea that morphed into a twisty journey into the depths; as per usual, my own and then stepping out looking at the challenges [as I see it] facing humanity at large; eventually to broken down into two expressions; the foundation setting [that would be this one] and a sharing of my own personal season of darkness [a new layer; exposed]. So in this first half of the whole, i’m going to take you down, down, down the stairs, into the basement and then beyond. One step at a time we are going to make our descent… I hope you enjoy…

⫷♀︎⫸

“a shift so slow it’s barely noticeable, until one day we find that we are immersed in the dark once again; left wondering how we came to be back in this place, again; a descent into darkness…”

seeking the light, rejecting the dark; a metaphor + tension points

We are steeped in divisiveness.

Looking for who is to blame for whatever problems we are facing, individually or collectively; feeling confused, hurt, desperate, terrified— or likely at this point—numb to most of it. Why? Because we are afraid of and disconnected from ourselves and from each other. In the name of survival for far too long we have been going along with this divide and conquer methodology— coerced into picking sides in the name of safety, survival and belonging.

One of the great paradoxes we are faced with is the fact that there is duality and non-duality; individual physical beings here to experience this life as the “I” but also, I believe, to come back to Self at such a depth that we remember that we are also divine— every single one of us— threads of the great tapestry of Soul, God, Divine, The Universe—doesn’t matter which label you give it— it is us, and we are it.

I once heard someone say [and i’m paraphrasing] that Oneness created separation to experience itself through the differences we all have and the variety of experiences we each go through— so we are both meant to experience the individual journey of the particular fragment of Soul that you came here to be and learn and grow through, as well as come back to the recognition of the God, the Good within that exists within us all, because we are it.

And sitting with the tension of holding multiple truth’s is challenging, especially the ones that require trust, faith, and a willingness to open our often fearful hearts and take the risk of truly witnessing another. And where it seems to me we have focused in on— to avoid such vulnerabilities and in an attempt at a grab for power [which equates to safety and survival in our unconscious] at least in Western culture— is the dualities. And then taking it a step further as a means to an end— we have created hierarchy and then punitive penalties for not falling in line with the prescribed way.

us vs. them, good vs. evil, light vs. dark, savage vs. civilized; the list goes on and on...

To use the seasons and cycles of nature as a metaphor for our struggle to hold space for the tension of two seemingly conflicting things lets talk about night and day for a moment, the literal light and dark.

We have been conditioned to look forward to summer and dread winter; at worst to despise, at best to tolerate the dark whereas the light is not only acceptable, but revered and strived for—the golden standard {pun intended}. And I get it, on some level we need things like sunlight and vitamin D to actually live— sun is important and being immersed in the dark can be unsettling. But just as there can be unseen dangers in the dark, equally so, the sun can literally kill you if you sit under it for too long.

Both contrast and balance are important in order for us to maintain perspective and frankly, any sort of reverence for the other side of any spectrum. One is not actually better or worse, it’s all in the perspective [and propaganda]. Each “side” which is really a spectrum, has a set of gifts and strengths as well as challenges, weaknesses or inherent dangers.

And the imbalance, the inability to hold the tension, is what I see as the root of so much of our suffering when I look at society as a whole— the obsession and borderline manic need to pick a side and then camp there, immovable; a rejection of parts of the whole and thereby a limited set of parameters of what is acceptable/safe/lovable/right and anything outside of that is wrong/bad/dangerous. Brené Brown refers to them often as our “ideological bunkers”. But regardless of what label you give to it, it’s limiting us, hurting us; killing us— literally, right now, in this moment.

The deeper the roots, the higher the branches

We passed the high point of daylight in the northern hemisphere a few weeks ago— the summer solstice— and now every day, until the winter solstice in late December, there will be slightly less daylight; and as such I’ve found myself reflecting a lot on the themes of darkness, cycles, and how we relate to our nature— both our personal nature and our place in it— as within, so without— and when I feel into what is happening on a collective level, I sense a visceral tension.

So many of us individually, along with long held structures and ideas being called up [and out] to reflect, to dismantle and shed [or burn to the ground]. This is a hero’s journey sort of call to courage and adventure. This is a call to descend into the darkness.

And with that invitation comes the tension point of potential change, and a lot of resistance. Resistance to the surrendering of the old in order to be reborn; resistance to receiving each other in our differences; resistance to seeing what we have previously been able to claim ignorance around, but are running out of places to hide from— the uncomfortable truth, previously relegated to the shadows as a result of a sort of societally encouraged blindness.

Convenient non-truths for a select few, from which we are all wounded.

And when I step out of the dramas of my own personal human experience [because i’m feeling this inside my own being on multiple levels], and take a look around from the observers perch, what i’m noticing— in friends and family, on social media— are these moments, of invitation and initiation; breakdown, reckoning— suddenly feeling like what was is no longer and now a new seemingly inevitable yet daunting path awaits. This is a season of descent. One that I imagine will last much longer than the six months of waning daylight we are currently on the path of.

If you’ve been here for a while you may recall a post last year I wrote about awakening and my own journey and this quote just came to mind:

“Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy. It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn’t. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.”

if you haven’t read “Awakening” you can find it here

shattering the illusions

It’s the archetypal story of the search for love and soul; a tale as old as time; the often times treacherous journey of awakening. The archetype of Psyche*, the Greek Goddess feels very present during this time, as astrologically she is sitting in the sign of Cancer— the watery, deeply feeling yet guarded outer shell—symbolized by the crab; ruled by the moon. In an article by Judith O’Hagan, she describes Psyche as meaning: ‘breath, soul, mind’; and the Goddess Psyche gives her name to psychiatry, psychology, psychotherapy, and psychic. Her myth is a wisdom story about the awakening of consciousness.” [link to her fully article in the footer]

This call to wake up, to what truly is, looks like many things, and it’s different for each of us; there is no one “right” way to do this— there is however only one direction to go, and that is in.…

descent into awakening.

Awakening is not about being above your humanity as some sort of destination to aim for; in fact it’s not about rising above anything. It’s about uncovering and embracing the fullness of your being and along the way, shedding the aspects that limit your capacity to receive love; that restrict your capacity to connect with the world around you. It’s moving through the stories, beliefs and non-truths that keep you from expressing your unique amalgamation of human and being able to accept others in theirs.

It brings you to a space where you can be fully present and open to the connection we all share in an acceptance and reverence for the nuance that has always existed, that we’ve just been too afraid to witness.

It’s being able to be curious instead of certain.

About being able to witness instead of judge.

Being fully engaged and in awe of the endless flavors that are available for us to experience—if we allow ourselves to be that open, that vulnerable— that brave— to be willing to see.

So no, it’s not about rising above, however, a byproduct of this expansion and liberation of soul is the expansion of the container that consciousness is. It is descent for expansion.

Down the rabbit hole

“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.”

— -Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

the darkness: loosely defined

So what is this darkness i’m talking about? The darkness is a metaphor for the feminine [energy]. It’s an incubation space— the womb; the underworld and the birth canal.

It’s death and rebirth [the Life/Death/Life cycle]; the birthplace of creation and sensuality and pleasure and pain. It is unpredictable and confronting.

It is infinitely deep, not to be claimed, controlled or conquered; the moon floating in all Her expansive glory; the deepest, darkest woods where magic and mystery reside; the indescribable waters of the psyche.

It is the nourishing soil beneath the surface that allows our roots to take hold and our gardens to grow.

It is soul space.

And She, Shakti— life force energy itself— forces a sort of presence that requires us to rely on senses other than physical sight. Not rational, nor clearly defined; always shifting and changing, absolutely not linear or controlled or even practical at times. And so I get it, on some level why we are at the very least uncomfortable with embracing our own darkness; why we fear it, why we try our best to avoid it. It’s unknown. And just as our rejection of the darkness has led us to fear our own shadows, our resistance to letting go of control [a control we don’t really actually have in the first place] has led us to fear any sort of discomfort.

And to face and be willing to explore Her [the feminine energy, the darkness] comes with an inevitability; embracing Her, bringing Her in close assures that nothing will ever be the same. But, in the the words of Joseph Campbell— Mr. Hero’s Journey himself— “the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”.

So to offer a bit of a reframe of this long held belief that dark equals bad/evil/scary/undesirable [pick your favorite adjective and insert here]: what if this long and slow descent into darkness we are currently in the midst of were something your soul agreed to, to experience in this life? That the only certainty, was that it was going to move you in ways that you may not be able to imagine, but it eventually was going to lead you exactly to where you need to be, to become exactly who you are meant to be? And to lean into, to accept and hold reverence for the force that it is, even amidst the discomfort and pain that can come along with it, is a part of your purpose in this life— does that perspective change anything for how you relate to these parts of yourself long relegated and locked away in the corners of your being?

Just as there is a time for the sun to burn bright; for us to take inspired action, there are times to be steeped in the darkness unable to use our [limited] physical senses, thereby offering an opportunity to heighten others.

Or that which goes against the very foundation of our hustle culture/capitalistic society—the ability to rest and recharge— to sleep so we can actually function at full capacity. Yes, I know in theory you know sleep is important, but how much do you truly embrace and revere it? Is it something sacred or just another means to an end you do because you have to? This may seem like an insignificant point, but it is just another example of how what and how we have been told to value something has been assigned and creates a potentially harmful division— putting two things that could co-exist— work and rest— at odds with one another; a narrative that needing to rest being for the weak or “those not willing to do what it takes to succeed” and asking of us that we deny our bodies needs in pursuit of money, power, success—“the grind” glorified at the ultimate expense of our overall well being, and for what?

Why can’t we coexist in harmony instead of competition?

And this brings me back to where we began: the divisiveness and need to place the dualistic judgements of what is good, better, best. If we could learn to neutralize these judgements of either/or, of right/wrong or better/worse— what might that do to our capacity to hold more space for ourselves and each other.

Could it possibly change how we relate with self or shift how we step into the seasons and cycles of change, of doing and being, of death and rebirth— that are inherent to our true nature?

judgement as the limiting factor— change the narrative, change the world.

Now i’m going to invite you to imagine: a time when humans held a reverence for the sacredness of the Earth and all She provides; of the wilderness, of the night, of all living organisms. Where instead of a seeking to conquer, stake our claim for ownership and attempt to control—land, resources, each other— instead saw ourselves as stewards of the grounds we occupied, the champion of those people and things we were surrounded by, with no exclusions of what/who were to be treated with love and respect.

A time where there was a healthy awareness and acceptance of the inherent dangers of existing amidst it all— because of the understanding of our connection and role in the massive ecosystem we are a part of— and with that awe inspiring reverence and acceptance, there existed an allowance and the capacity to live fully and openly. A time when we looked to Nature and it’s cycles as a reflection of our own humanity [cue Elton John “it’s the cirrrcleeeee of life…”].

Imagine a time or space where the idea or presence of death was not met with abject terror and avoidance at all costs, but understood as the inevitable contrast that allows us to appreciate that which makes life so precious: that it ends.

rejecting death

And this brings us to the relationship we have with death. This is, at least in my opinion the greatest barrier to acceptance and embracing the darkness and thereby reclaiming our whole, true selves.

The judgement that death is somehow wrong—a punishment of some sort being doled out by a power higher than ourselves; the fear we have of the literal circle of life, is a barrier to living this life fully and wholly— both light and dark. Death can be sad. There is grief and heartbreak and a deep sense of loss when someone or something we care for dies. There will only ever be one of each of us and that is significant. The pain of loss is something to hold massively loving space for people to grieve and process however is authentic for them; it deserves to be acknowledged and felt. And it doesn’t mean it is wrong.

Our judgements of our emotions [or rejection of them] is the greatest barrier to our acceptance of the full spectrum of our humanity

And sometimes that person we have to grieve the death of is us. Who we are in this moment; little us; letting go of who we have been in the past and the story we’ve told ourselves about who we are or are not. Letting go of these stories that likely allowed us to survive our childhoods and the environments we came from, but don’t actually serve who we are becoming, so must be surrendered and allowed to die off, in order for us to step into new phases, seasons or cycles of our lives.

I have found personally that there is a well of grief in these deaths— that I had no conscious awareness were even there until I started my own descent. Leaning into this territory is some confronting shit; not only are you letting go of a familiar version of being, it is also an activation of the sense that “without this i’m not safe”. And because all of these emotions are the territory of the feminine energy, our challenging relationship with them, leads to a rejection of the parts of us that need to be witnessed, that need permission to flow: Anger, sadness, grief, longing— none of these emotions are wrong or bad, they just are; energy in motion, a part of the experience of being human. They are merely a part of the spectrum that is always moving always shifting.

I’m going to invite you to reflect for a moment on what feels like this culturally adopted belief— that i’m putting into my own words— that may not ever have been spoken directly to you or written this way, but that I feel so many of us pick up or have been shown along the way in this life — the belief that we were given this big spectrum of these big and small emotions as some sort of test to see how well we can reject what is innate to us. To challenge us to see how well we can capture, control and lock away the unruly bits, and only let ourselves and the world around us see the comfortable, “appropriate” ones.

Am I the only one who picked up along the way that there was no acceptable time and place for a a good heavy cry? What about that “anger is bad/dangerous— don’t be angry”. Or to experience pleasurable moments is shameful or selfish; that the only way to get the pat on the head of “good” was to keep it all under lock and key or at the very least hidden away for nobody else to have to see?

Have you adopted one or all of these [or others] as your own truth and belief— as in, is this how you deal with and relate to your emotional states? And if so, how has that been working out for you?

And as always, especially if you are new here— there is zero judgement here, where you are in this moment is exactly where you are meant to be, and whatever you are feeling, is held in this space with love; this is merely an invitation as always for reflection. If it sparks something in you, I would invite you to follow the thread and see where it leads you, if not, move on.

And also—believe what feels true to you. What I believe: there isn’t anything wrong with any of our emotions, it’s how we relate to them that I see as problematic. I believe they are indicators— to what we are thinking about or needing to pay attention to, in a moment; meant to flow and move and shift. They are a state of being, not who we are. And I believe we were given this deep capacity to feel as a way to experience the divine in the mundane.

Just because it’s on purpose, doesn’t mean it’s easy.

It is a challenge. And it absolutely is work to take ownership of our own emotions; takes practice to wield them in a way that does no harm to ourselves or others. And likely, nobody taught you even where to begin with this. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I reject the notion that we were designed to fit into a few cramped boxes of existence and anything outside of that is wrong/bad somehow. And I also reject the idea that were created in order to resist and reject the aspects of ourselves and each other that don’t fit into those boxes; as if it’s some sort of test by God that we have to pass in order to be deemed worthy.

Does that feel a bit off to anyone else?

Now, it may feel like “the way” because of the way we have operated for far too long. But it doesn’t make it absolute, or the way it is meant to be.

The passed down narrative of controlling self and each other— the “dominator consciousness” that tells us the non-truth that power is finite and must be taken or given to us in order to be safe has led us to believe that the only way to be in the world is through repressing, fighting with and rejecting parts of our humanity, specifically the parts that have been associated with the feminine— creating a hierarchy of essentially the “most and least human” and thereby worthy of love, belonging, safety and sovereignty— and my, how that bullshit narrative has stuck and been absorbed by all of us on some level. And it’s side affects have been devastating…

So the choice to reckon with— emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually— what has led us to standard operating procedure in this world is a major piece and catalyst for the awakening on a collective level we are being invited into:

A shift in our point of focus; a shift out of resistance and rejection of this aspect of self and other— and into curiosity and receptivity— so we can stop limiting our capacity to love, express and allow a sense of safety and trust to exist that allows all of us to be our whole, full selves. We are all made of light and dark. Rational and irrational. Deeply feeling and sensing and also laser focused and pragmatic. We must bring all parts forward.

[*and quick side-bar if you’re new here: we alllllll have feminine energy, so this isn’t just a “woman thing”, none of us are exempt from this and if you don’t like the label of masculine/feminine energy, feel free to insert another that resonates more deeply with your truth, just know that regardless of how you label it, this polarity exists within each of us, and that’s beautiful and perfect.]

What fearing death also does, is keep us stagnant;

There are so many deaths happening—or at least opportunities for death on a metaphorical level that we resist— that are the catalysts for our liberation, for our most nourishing relationship with self and the world around us, but our fear of the discomfort that these deaths bring, and the stories we have been told about how it’s bad/wrong/dangerous— keeps us from leaning into and surrendering to them; to shed the old skin that no longer fits us and to be reborn.

The way it’s been for a really, really long time— has been. It had its own purpose and things that had to be experienced before we were ready to shift out of and into a new space. And as we so easily forget and get caught neck deep in the drama we’ve created— this is why I love stepping back and looking to nature for examples of how to surrender and flow; a reminder that after the dark, there is light; there is a season for death and then rebirth and on and on and on. These are the mirror of what we are, how we naturally are if we allow ourselves to just be. We were not designed to be stagnant and never change. And we were not meant to all be the same as one another [how fucking mind-numbingly-boring that would be].

Being the same, staying the same, is more comfortable for sure. But it does a disservice to ourselves and the world around us for us to resist and reject our authentic expressions, cycles and seasons.

It’s time to do things differently.

Historically, the darkness, otherwise known as the watery depths of the psyche and the feminine energy has been rejected.

She [capital S] has been scapegoated and deemed as less than, weak. It has been made a societal standard for it to be dangerous to rest into and express from these spaces; to express authentically the whole spectrum of our being. And yes, this has deeply affected all of us and is a big part of what has contributed to where we are today, to our mucky relationship with the darkness.

And I want to make sure you understand, that the darkness, is not a one and done, scale the mountain peak and “thats it” sort of thing. The cycles and seasons of the darkness are on the micro and the macro. They happen slowly and unfold over years, months. They happen every single day when the sun sets; you die in every exhale. There is no actual escaping this, without abandoning self.

The darkness— the feminine— is a part of you. So breathe down into the space— into your physical being. and even for just a moment accept that your soul, your life force energy— your whole self— is right here, whether you can feel it or not. That you are supported and guided by this unseen force, always. And even if you can only connect with it for an hour, or even a moment. This is part of your journey back to self, back to sensation— back to soul. It is personal and unique and universal. It is a sacred gift; a connection to the divine. And it is yours to embody if and whenever you so choose. Whenever you are willing to lean in.

Our resistance to soul, to receiving the gifts that She has to offer, has kept us in conflict not just with the world around us in this unnatural hierarchy of what’s acceptable or good and right vs. what is not; but most tragically in conflict with our own selves. Waging wars within. And this is where I have found myself, time and time again— even with all that I know to be true, fighting with myself, struggling to accept the wholeness of my humanity.

I dive more into where this expression came from in the follow up to this, “a new layer, exposed”; a reflection of my own personal reckoning with the darkness and my current iteration of it; a new layer that’s been peeled back and exposed— now needing to be integrated into my present being— and how i’ve been fighting like hell to hold on [yea, all that stuff about resisting death— guilty over here— it seems I am human afterall]. You can find that expression here.

But what i’ll leave you with for now, is a quote from Women Who Run With the Wolves— because after all, Clarissa Pinkola Estés just has all the most deeply resonant words when it comes to reclaiming what is our birthright and our true essence [if you haven’t read Women Who Run With the Wolves, it’s one of my all-time-top recommendations!]— and I felt that these words are a great reminder and maybe a loving nudge to lean in; after all that I have just dumped in your lap to sort through;

and as it relates to this descent and call into the darkness— into our personal + collective awakening journey:

“All the “not readies,” all the “I need time,” are understandable, but only for a short while. The truth is that there is never a “completely ready,” there is never a really “right time.” As with any descent to the unconscious, there comes a time when one simply hopes for the best, pinches one’s nose, and jumps into the abyss. If this were not so, we would not have needed to create the words heroine, hero, or courage.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés; "Women Who Run With the Wolves"

So be brave, be kind, be curious; with the world around you and most importantly with yourself.

You are finding your way to a home you likely never consciously knew you were seeking, craving or missing—but on some level always knew existed; the safe space you’ve been waiting for. It is just now the time for you to lean in and go about the business of finding your way back; it’s time to descend into the darkness.

Thank you for being here, lovely soul in all your beautiful humanity. I’m sending so much love as you navigate these psychic waters; you’ve got this!

With gratitude and so much love,

⫷♀︎⫸

PS- The sun is currently transiting the sign of Cancer and as I mentioned earlier, the asteroid Psyche is as well + we are sitting in a New Moon in Cancer, today as I type these final words— Cancer a water sign, the sign of the crab— the guarded outer shell protecting a deeply feeling and flowing aspect of our being; also ruled by the moon— so yea, we are full on in the waters of the feminine, the underworld, the space of pyschic exploration and awakening during this time, which fits so beautifully with this whole expression + so i’m loving the synchronicity of completing this and the companion piece today, after wrestling with it for the last two and a half weeks or so.

If you are interested in a beautiful synopsis of the Cancer New Moon [or any current astro event], I highly recommend checking out my beautiful story-weaving sister friend @skyloreastrology on IG, for her take on the New Moon In Cancer

PPS- Also, to read the full post I mentioned earlier, about the archetypal story of the Goddess Psyche written by Judith O’Hagan, click here

Be well sweet ones ❤︎

{retro reminder}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

Holding on to old wounds; Value. Belonging. Am I doing it right? Triggers coming in from every direction. A comfortable suffering to distract from the immensity of unknown continuously stepping into. With every layer of armor chipped away—integration; an acclimation period awaits. Naked and ill-equipped— all that remains.

Anxiety creeping around the edges, threatening to consume. In these moments, doubt and disillusionment are the false friends sitting by my side; holding me in an unforgiving embrace. Old becomes attractive. Impatience a tell. When to stay. When to go. When to hold on, when to let go: attachment, the least attractive outfit I own. And amidst these spaces— there is nothing “to do” other than my best. Face down, belly on the earth— literally laying on the floor— the only tether point grounding the incessant spinning at higher altitude. Leaning in, pouring more love into the not-beautiful; surrendering to the paradox of grace; bringing her into deep embrace. Trust the process. Breathe. Remember: this too shall pass.

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

“To truly heal, however, we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self punishment of vengeance was evoked in us. The old healer of the psyche understands human nature with all its foibles and gives pardon based on the telling of the naked truth. She not only gives second chances, she most often gives many chances.

-Clarissa Pinkola Estés, ”Women Who Run With the Wolves”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

Day 26/28— Uranus Retrograde prep: A one-hand-rooted-above-ground reminder for the times when I forget. This has been a week. Old gunk rising, themes playing out— as within, so without. I find it helpful to sometimes write the reminders to myself amidst the muck that i’ve been here before. That I will make it through. That i’m not the same as I was before. I have more awareness, I know many of my tells, my “markers” that i’m going into that underworld space— that I both love and loathe. And that grace is everywhere around me. Kindness, curiosity non-judgement: my navigation companions. So much is happening and simultaneously i’m trying to reconcile the feeling that i’m somehow standing still, if not moving backwards. Am I grounded in trust and truth, or frozen in an old cycle of fear? Maybe i’ll be able to discern the difference tomorrow. For now, i’ll just remind myself again and always, that this too shall pass. And that’s all I have to say about it today. Maybe i’ll have more tomorrow. This too shall pass…

With gratitude and always LOVE,

PS: Oracle Card pull today from the “Earth Warriors Oracle” with a little supporting wisdom:

“When the mind says no, but the heart leaps with joy, we are ripe for a transmission of empowering grace. The sweet paradox is that the more impossible the situations appears to be, the more we are supported through grace and our divine success manifests, swift and complete. Let the faith of the heart overcome doubt. Allow your mind to be filled with the wonder at the unlimited power of the Divine, and you shall bear witness to sacred manifestation”

-Alana Fairchild

{built} for this

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

“But I think she weeps also because she was given a transmission that she realizes now the disciples are not able to receive. It’s a teaching that she can uniquely give to them, precisely because their whole world order and idea of power would have to shift in order to receive it. “

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

shifting power for a new world order

with and for, no more power over.

we cannot dismantle only to rebuild on the same faulty foundations

yet, dismantle we must.

tear it down; burn it to the ground

clearing space for an ancient kind of new

creation from places unseen

just out of sight

a different sort of vision required;

2020; the beginning; the end

☿

alchemy;

transmuting base metals into gold.

trust to take the lead

an uncharted gnosis; in our bones

singing its siren song

from the depths; rising

in many ways, a merging.

Bringing back a balance never before seen

consciousness meeting soul

divine melding with the mundane

masculine holding feminine

as above, so below

whole

holy

♀︎

change is painful.

death, inevitable.

we were built for this.

we were brought here for this

***

Day 24/28: We must shift the current paradigm and ideas of power in order to receive this new world that is waiting for us; change is painful; death, inevitable; we were built for this; we were brought here for this; it’s time.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

embodied // love

Waning Gibbous Moon in Pisces

Back in my body

Unbound;

divine shines through

My temple is sacred and filled with pleasures

Not the shame you told me I had to wear

Source of divine power

Life force flows

Sacral wisdom houses every lesson

Soul reclamation

Already within your reach

Turn around.

Come home.

***

Reflecting today on being in the body; being embodied in love. Sometimes it amazes me to witness how much wisdom is already within us, is always with us, whether we tap into it or not. And how quickly so many shifts can occur, when we have safe spaces to reflect curiously within our very being [instead of with judgement and condemnation].

The thing about a love that reaches down to you very depths and steals the breath from your lungs in the most glorious of ways, is that you can never forget it; once you’ve been in proximity to it. Tapping into divine; truth. Once you’ve felt that which is everything in a moment, you can’t just show up for anything any longer. The contrast is too glaring. And that love assigned outward onto some other— that you are recognizing in them— is really just the reflection of your love. The divine energy that is already and always has been within you. Sometimes it takes the glare of a light so penetrating— that love emanating from another reflected back at you— to see how truly magnificent you already are. And that’s the power of Love. It cracks through the toughest exteriors and exposes the truth that we know [in our soul] but have forgotten.

We have everything within us already to be whole, thriving beings. It is the journey of a lifetime to excavate that which gets buried by life. A heroic journey at that. The power we possess, frankly can be terrifying to begin to unlock and learn how to sit with, because it’s so real, so visceral at times, that it’s hard to imagine being able to harness all of that juice. There is a fear, that we will be consumed by it; that we will do harm with all that power. And often times we need a reflection separate from us, a mirror of that power in action from a place of the highest good, which is always from Love, in order to feel safe enough, trusting enough to begin dipping our toe into the shallow end of our own being. To journey toward acceptance and reverence.

We have to start outside of self sometimes, to gather the courage to go inward. And that’s ok, but I just want to remind you today, that the love, the brilliance, the beauty, that you so easily can spot outside of you, is and always has been a reflection of that which you recognize within. You have everything within to be the all you were designed to be.

You are that love.

***

Soul crying out in the spaces the body has kept score

to be seen and held is the heart’s deepest desire; bear witness

Just be; curious.

There is nothing to figure out.

All will be revealed in due time

Learning the language of acceptance; trust

Holding space for the unloveable

Making love to the not-beautiful

Deep embrace and reverence for the unfolding

attachments to an identify

created in rejection of humanity

projections of fear perpetuated by a man-made world

this is what binds us

separated from the true

liberation for reconciliation

Death to the dialogue of our inherent sin

Freedom from the illusion that we were ever separate.

//

Day 17/28: I want to close out today by giving a shoutout to my brave and beautiful clients that are my accountability and constant contacts with grace; that trust me with their truth, that give me the great honor of bearing witness to their becoming. To be in the presence of that sort of love and courage so often, is a gift. I am constantly learning from each of you, and being reminded of the beauty in authentic humanity. I come home more to myself, every time you step into my space. Thank you for being a part of my journey in this life.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

when fear has lost it’s {voice}

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Capricorn

“Silence” to me means the calm quiet that comes when fear has lost it’s voice”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

…when fear has lost it’s voice.

Ohhhh that line, sends a shiver throughout my body. The imagery it brings up: Fear as a being with laryngitis—losing its ability to speak vile, hateful, destructive rhetoric out into the world. Can you call up a person to mind, that you imagine that if they were just unable to speak anymore, would leave you feeling the urge to take one of those deep, relaxing and nourishing breaths in and then let it alllllll the way out? As in, you would finally able to relax into the spaces you occupy?

Now what if the potential to find that level of peace, is not dependent upon someone or something from the outside shifting or shutting up? What if it was fully and wholly accessible within you? What if it isn’t really about that person, that group of people “out there”?

Play along with me here if you will…

What if “they” are just a mirror, inviting you to witness a story, an emotion, or a belief you carry and hold onto within, and your reaction to their presence— your judgements or repulsion of their way of being for example— is an indicator of a space where some fear or shame resides within? Or at the very least an area thats ready to have some light shined onto it; to be called up into awareness. What if, it were a neon arrow— your reaction that is— attempting to serve you information about you on a silver platter; trying to guide you back to a certain truth? Trying to guide you back to you— your power place, your life force: back to soul.

Could you entertain that possibility? Could you be curious instead of indignant? Do you want to reject that instinctually [these questions i’m asking, the perspective i’m inviting you to reflect on]?

And if so, perfect. And, why?

I ask these questions, not because of any attachment to you buying into my thought processes, but as a curiosity: of what may shift in our collective reality if we changed our point of focus; if we shifted our beliefs— began viewing power as an absolute source accessible to all, from within— that there was no scarcity but instead enough [space, resources, time] for all… I truly wonder what would be different if we all had the internal space to take this on as a mindset and approach, and/or what would stay exactly the same.

I really don’t know, but I’m curious.

And for the record, i’m not saying that societal structures — patriarchy, systemic racism, white supremacy to name a few— don’t exist as a roadblock to our personal sovereignty and safety. They absolutely are real and affect many aspects of our lives, especially how we relate to and with the world.

What i’m inviting us to “try on” for a moment [if possible and for those that have that emotional desire and capacity], and again, out of curiosity, is a shift in our point of focus. Shifting the amount of energy going outward to the system, thing or person. Just for a few minutes let your imagination wander a bit… what if everything we [humanity as a whole] have ever needed to be whole, empowered, loving and compassionate beings has always been within us, never outside of us as we’ve been conditioned to view it?

And if we could shift our point of focus inward to what we have control over—how we show up, how we react— what might be different in our reality; or how might we relate to our outer world in a very different way?

My reflections come from a foundational belief that we are esteemed from within; our power comes from our connection to the divine that is within; — and that is a power nobody can ever take from us, it’s ours to harness; one that we can only ever give away or feel disconnected from— but regardless it’s always there when we are ready for it. And that what we choose [consciously or unconsciously] to focus on, speak on, attach ourselves to, has the power to affect/create our reality.

We are that powerful. And just as we can create from a place of fear and scarcity, so do we have the power to create from an empowered space, a space of love and truth and abundance.

And there are absolutely roadblocks that make this not as simple as how i’m stating it, I recognize this. Things like being in a state of chronic “fight or flight” [defense] mode as a result of, for example, generations of systemic oppression that have wired our nervous systems to be on high alert, operating from survival mode which doesn’t leave much room for things like higher consciousness and thriving; it just leaves us fighting for survival. So I get this isn’t a “snap my fingers” and poof— everything is magically different— but what if we could be open to it being different?

I deeply believe we all have the capacity to find that space. It’s not impossible, despite what has transpired in the past to lead you to where you are now. It requires a courage and taking the risk of tapping into some dark spaces, to begin to clear out and reset what has been. And for some, it’s a deeper, darker, longer road; a more exposed and dangerous road. Because at the physical level it’s an overhaul, rewiring of the way we relate to the world. But not an impossible journey.

What if we were simply open to risking the vulnerability of it being possible…what potential is on the other side of that unknown?

***

“When fear has lost it’s voice…”

There is a power in the simplicity of this statement. Fear is one of the most powerful motivators there is, as it goes hand in hand with our survival instinct. And when fear runs rampant, unchecked without any conscious awareness, it is both dangerous and often times is telling us stories that aren’t true. To be blunt, fear often times is a liar as it doesn’t know how to discern true danger from emotional discomfort. Our role as we evolve and grow is to learn the language of this discernment, to bring awareness to the moments when it arises and choose what is true and from there decide how to respond.

To be human means to be vulnerable. We cannot escape that reality. And fear has the most power over us— the most potency and potential as a destructive force— when we are in an unconscious state of this inherent vulnerability. Which is another way of saying: being human, unconsciously. We are dangerous when swimming in this natural state of existence from a lack of awareness and presence; disconnected from self and most destructively, disconnected from soul.

Being human isn’t the problem. Fear isn’t the problem. But perpetuating a rejection of our whole humanity; remaining in a low state of awareness and presence and allowing fear to be in the drivers seat as it relates to our behaviors and reactions— thats a problem.

Fear is highly contagious, it’s easy to amplify and is a powerful motivating force. It’s how we harness it that determines the effect it has. Do we escape the discomfort and intensity of the reaction in our body and project it out; blindly react to it? Or do we hold space for it in loving awareness, listen to what it’s telling us about what we are perceiving in our present moment and then transmute it into inspired action? How we respond to it is what dictates the impact it has on our inner state of peace, as well as the impact it has on the world around us. As within, so without.

So if fear unchecked and unconscious is the problem, how do we go about the business of shifting?

By doing one of the simplest, yet most challenging and confronting things there is: cultivating a relationship with and learning to be with self.

and how do you do this, you may be wondering?
By beginning to hold curious, kind and non-judgmental space for all of you. Looking at who you have been [yes including the shameful bits] and who you fear you may or may not be; the narratives of “not enough” or “too much” that the world has deemed makes you unloveable— all of it— and beginning to call bullshit on what is not true, witnessing the aspects and experiences you want to look away from and embracing yourself with a loving reverence and compassionate accountability.

By noticing and dismantling the patterns of coping that keep us stuck in these loops of fear—react—fear.

It’s in creating space within— a pause if you will— to ask “am I in danger or am I uncomfortable?” and holding space in that pause for an answer; and choosing our response from within the pause.

Noticing the stories about our sense of belonging and safety in the spaces we occupy. Digging deeper yet, and asking where that story came from, and if it is still true, or is it something that in the past you needed to protect yourself, but no longer need [this is where the part about calling bullshit on that which isn’t relevant anymore becomes useful].

And throughout all, employing radical honesty and acceptance of what is and has been— not condoning bad behavior and also not condemning yourself, but instead, holding loving accountability for how you showed up and reacted; beginning to accept what happened as it happened, and from that acceptance, processing how you felt/feel— your response to it. Honoring the space those emotions occupy within you as yours and valid, while recognizing that they aren’t you— they are merely indicators, information about what is happening within you. Your role in the process is to hold space for whatever arises— no matter the level of intensity or discomfort— and trusting that it’s ok [even when it hurts like hell]; giving those very emotions the same acceptance that you would want to receive from someone you love and then giving them permission to move on when they are ready.

Becoming a witness and a safe container for reflection; always coming from that foundation of curiosity, kindness and non-judgement...

“And this is what it means to rest in silence. Because this is when all those voices, those ideas and stories we wrestle with inside us, the ones that keep us up at night, and lead us to believe we aren’t worthy of love, or of anything good, this is when the whole clamorous riot goes mute.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

It has never been outside of us. And yet, we’ve looked everywhere out there, to no avail— traveled to the ends of the literal and metaphorical earth, searching for “it”. And all along, it’s been in the silence. In that space, those moments, where fear loses it’s voice and all that remains is love…

"We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

***

Day 12/28: Ok, today this expression came seemingly out of nowhere [and everywhere at the same time *insert eye roll here]. The thread I pulled started from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” this morning over my morning coffee. If you’ve been following along here or on IG, you may have noticed me quoting a lot from Meggan Watterson’s work and it’s because this book… whew… there is just so much triumphant YES from within, I don’t have enough space to write about all that has been sparked by reading this. It’s one of those books where I can feel a truth I always knew was there but never had language or context to put to it. It grabs me by my everything and invite me deeper into spaces I instinctively know but may be altogether “new” to my conscious awareness. And with that, it sparks an inspiration; courage for me to speak on things that I may have been more cautious about in the past; especially out of fear of being misunderstood or worry over crafting an incomplete expression that misses something important [which they all really are anyway as they are just streams of consciousness]. The quotes I incorporated today, are the type of words that brought tears to my eyes and a vibration through my body that give me a courage to pull at threads and weave together my curiosities and share with you. So yea. That and today the Hindu goddess Durga came up, both in “Mary Magdalene Revealed”, but also in an oracle card I pulled before a client session today, and the quote and image below are from that card that fueled my inspiration today.

“An icon for independence and divine power of the light, Durga is the solar mother who shines light, restores order and protects the human soul by destroying impurities such as jealousy, hatred, anger and selfishness. She is creative, inventive responsive and powerful. The Sanskrit word durga means “fort”, a place that is protected in battle, unable to be overcome.”

-Earth Warriors Oracle

[and also the full excerpt from the quote above with a bit about Durga:]

“Whats so profound about Mary is that the “yes” she said to that surge of light that came in the form of an angel within her, a yes she never uttered outside of her, became of of the greatest expansions of love in the history of religions… I nodded in humility to Mary. To her courageousness that’s still left so unacknowledged , and uncelebrated. She should be riding a tiger like the Hindu Goddess Durga. We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

I feel like a bit of a broken record in saying this, but I always mean it: Thank you for exploring along with me… I don’t know where i’m going until I get there any given day, so my hope is that you are pulling something resonant out and it is inviting you deeper into you, or at the very least you are getting a kick out of how my crazy mind processes the world ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

purity of {truth}

Waxing gibbous moon in Sagittarius

***

purity of truth; depths of knowing

bathe me in the raging waters of Styx— 

binding point of mundane with the divine 

solar plexus on fire

Density in my belly

preparation for purging 

sacred refusals on deck

space and time for renewal required

cultivating a clean reservoir for consciousness

abundant creation in honoring the ebbs and flows. 

watering the seeds in the dark; pregnant with potential.

biding it’s time;

patience in the unfolding

deepening rooted in trust

beneath the sacred tree; in the realm of soul

is where I take my sweet reprieve

all will be revealed in due time.

***

Day 11/28: Water, water everywhere. For the past three days i’ve been getting little nudges and symbols of water and intentional rest as a preparation for upcoming tasks that need stamina to complete. [I literally have water leaking from my roof through my ceiling as i write this—from a leak that was supposed to have been sealed a few months ago and hasn’t given me a problem until the storms we got sweeping through today]. I have been absolutely exhausted the last three days or so, and have been craving quiet time wrapped up in my cozy bed, blinds drawn and in the dark. That’s where I am.

So today I play with the idea of sacred rest, water and underworld vibes— soul space, tree of life, the necessary rooting in order to reach the heights; the nourishment of water; a purity of truth.

Water can symbolize many things, but what i’m pulling in today is surrender and cleansing. There is something calming and chaotic about it all at the same time. It flows exactly where it needs to with a patience of it’s path— it leans in without resistance. When it meets an obstacle, it finds its way— pivots and adjusts. And sometimes it is absolutely and unapologetically destructive in its sheer force of nature.

We are in a time where presence, trust, patience and surrender are challenging; everywhere we turn there is fear and uncertainty and we are being invited to find our space amongst the chaos. And if you can find that still point, beneath the surface, that space all your own, where a truth— an intuitive knowing—resides, there is peace and trust; strength and power in that space. The eye of the storm where you can be in it, and also see it all, without getting swept up in it. In order to find that space, there is a journey you must embark upon. One that includes both leaning into the challenges, as well as our conditioned resistance to rest, rejuvenation and a clearing of the old in order to open energetic channels; for the flow of life force to reclaim it’s sacred path within you. And only you can know when it’s your time to take action, and time to rest. Listen.

And with that, I invite you to take a brief moment to check in with where you are RIGHT NOW, in this moment and ask what it is your heart, your mind, your body needs now. Can you honor that? L

earning to listen to the ebbs and flows of your inherent nature and individual rhythms is a journey itself, but one worth the effort. Sending you so much love and deep reverence for wherever you are in your process. And thank you, as always, for taking your time to be here with me exploring ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces

waxing crescent moon in libra

in the tender spaces // between waking and sleep.

8x10 pictures projected in my mind // just out of reach.

some anonymous space and time // shadows and light.

balance and scales // much yet to be weighed.

story upon story; I create // [meaning twisted in my mind]. 

strangled by the invisible // [indivisible] threads connecting me to you.

I am you // and you are me.

an imaginary binding? // or unwinding?

[cage door unlocked; never tried] // [a guide that leads me home to you].

a mashup of melodies // ringing in my ears.

unconscious pulling apart yarns stored // deep in the recesses of mind.

working their way to the surface // one frame at a time.

overlapping memories // old patterns die hard.

unavailable; unattainable // just out of reach.

walking out on me in your dreams // your interpretation.

can you handle a hard truth? // or would you prefer a soft lie?

divine sparks // intuitive animation.

the difference between one that sticks // and those that float away.

like a broken limb in the current // gone.

nothing rational // [significance holds no judgment of outcome or experience].

“good” is not a pre-requisite // in the realm of soul.

the experience we are having is // [we agreed to this shit].

so what is the truth amidst the fuzzy?// [mist of vulnerabilities unspoken].

afraid to show the tender beneath // suffocating under the stifling weight of armor.

unconscious patterns // “show me yours and I’ll show you mine”

here in hiding // we all lose.

open and intentional // no more space in my heart for the lies.

awaken from the illusion // trust in the unseen, felt.

it takes courage to stand in // [the tender spaces between waking and sleep].

***

Day 6/28: How is it that we find our way to trust? To the sacredness of our innermost sanctuaries where unconditional love, truth, and our infinite power reside? The truth is in the body. The wisdom and intuition that is there, that has always been there, yet we fear following.

“tender // spaces” is a mashup of little narratives that popped into my consciousness throughout my day today that i’ve attempted to give some form/cohesiveness. I pulled from imagery I saw on the brink of napping, eyes closed and just watching as my mind played this afternoon; through messages exchanged with friends over text and lines in songs I was listening to that caught my attention. Then I filled in the blanks with what has felt like a constant theme and curiosity for me as of late: of soul connections [how they show up, the potential they have to move us; maybe also why?].

[{Brief interlude on “soul connections} I ascribe “soul connections” to those that animate us at a depth that I can only describe as “truth”; for no rational or logical reason [this stuff is not anywhere in the realm of rational] and begin showing up in different forms, in different ways, through different experiences [whether we are conscious or open to them is a factor that influences when/how we experience]. Those that I will '“label” under that category in my experience have similar “markers” to notify me of their presence. There is a feeling I get, a recognition and a sense of ease, no matter what is presenting in their current being— their current level of personal awareness, how much self work they have/have not done; not mater how grounded or chaotic they are— there is a trust and a knowing I feel that I cannot explain. A deep nourishing exhale. A place where I can rest, close my eyes and let go. That feeling of home. That’s what I identify as being in the presence of soul manifested in other. Not to say that those I don’t feel that way with are less significant somehow, but when these particular ones show up, I know to pay attention to the themes, what intensities they are sparking within me as information that always leads me somewhere valuable for my own growth— an invitation for deepening into me. And more often than not, they are intense mirrors that reflect aspects of me back that I had not yet seen, had not been ready to seen or maybe would not be able to see if not in the reflection of their being.

And the more I have let go of the attachment to “what this means” and just follow the breadcrumbs “they” [my intuition'] provide— allowing myself subsequently to be led by soul—i’ve been finding my way to some pretty wild/cool/weird AF things within myself, or experiences that I never would have considered significant or transformative, and definitely not “perfect” as a former version of myself. Not all of these experiences are pleasant or meant to be perpetuated, but I feel they absolutely are here on purpose and to be learned from if I so choose to receive them without judgement or attachment.]

So, in “tender // spaces” what I realize now, in reflection, is that I am exploring the unconscious tug of war we play with ourselves and play out on others when we don’t trust; when we fear and resist holding space for and sharing the vulnerability of our authentic self, how it leads us to hide the best parts of self from not just the world, but more importantly: from ourselves. For when we repress; attempt to manage and control the beautiful messy irrational humanity that resides within us all—yes, that same humanity that the world has tried to convince us is unloveable, wrong, broken, not enough, too much [etc, you get the idea]— then the connections that are meant for us to be experienced for our souls expansion and evolution, become non-starters. Matters of soul are the catalysts for our becoming; we either experience/learn or repeat until completion. And in being present and embodying this physical “human” experience—which is as important an aspect of learning and integration as transcending ego from a spiritual development perspective— when we play defensive maneuvering in matters of love, everybody loses.

At the end of the day, I believe we always have choice, whether we lean into the unknown, dare to experience the things that the rational mind, the ego and fear will say “WTF, this is crazy”, but in that deeper, knowing place— one you may not be practiced at listening to and leading from—you will hear, or better yet feel that “yes” [even if it’s the “uggghhh do I really have to do this” kind of yes]. And in a world, where all we really, truly want is to be seen and known and loved, exactly as we are— the irony is— the only thing keeping us from having the beautiful, soul shaking experiences we are here to live, is the fear of being seen: being exposed in our messy, imperfect all-ness, and maybe even being accepted, receiving love, not despite but because of exactly who it is that we are; that being we were always meant to be.

We have to be willing to explore the edges to awaken from the illusion; must lean in and trust in the unseen, felt. It takes courage to stand in the tender spaces. My invitation as always: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this wild wild west called coming home. Always bring yourself back to a space where curiosity, kindness and non-judgement lead the way, and know: you are worthy, you are enough. And you have EVERYTHING already inside of you that you could ever need. Trust in the perfection that already is you. ❤︎

This concludes day 6 of 28, way more poured out of me than I was expecting when I opened up my laptop, but it feels like what needed to be released that I couldn’t have known before I just leaned into the “I don’t feel like it” and started pulling at threads. Thank you, as always for being here, exploring all the wild and weird human things with me, I am forever grateful for your witnessing me in all my weird and messy humanity ;).

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces. light // dark

***

all begins {in the dark}

Waxing Crescent in Virgo

It all begins in the dark where I lie unencumbered, receiving your divine interruptions. I know it’s you, your light shines through the darkest night; your presence reinvigorates the eternal flame under this waxing crescent, signal of conception; the harvest of hopes and desires to come.

Here you and I; we individually and collectively constantly sit: the void between innocence and ownership, where a long waged battle for the chosen ones is fought.

And you came to me in the momentary pause between night and day. Whispering messages I was bound to remember, my heart’s desire, my love. Reminding me of the constant cleansing process required; surrendering of that which is not mine yet easily can become a burdensome weight to carry on my shoulders.

Leaving breadcrumbs that lead to archetypal stories rife with remembering. Truth. Wisdom. Balance. The insignificant space between life and death; light and dark; chastity and indulgence—wholeness via an integration of dualities.

And a strengthening of the resolve to stand strong on this path. Stripping away man-made constructs, exposing the truth that has always been, but not necessarily seen: incomplete partialities, not absolute. Expanding the boxes of consciousness to hold the immense amount of life force that is rising, taking up space after millenia of being stifled, repressed, buried; misunderstood and mistreated.

Consciousness meets life force. Light meets dark. Eros meets Psyche. Masculine meets Feminine.

Divine + Sacred union forged in the fire of transformation, soul moved by love: The Alchemical Marriage.

{“Marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage, a "transition to the unknown"** }

…And first there was dark, from where all else came to be…

***

“Since the ultimate end of the heroine's story is her final understanding of herself. It is the final acceptance of her totality of being, which includes her mind, body, and spirit. Psyche's story involves the ultimate acknowledgment that the soul can be granted immortality through its' ability to love.” *

When it comes to aspects of our being, the transition that I have found to be the most healing, is not the repression or rejection of those aspects within self that are hard to face in the mirror, but instead the integration and loving acceptance of them as a part of our whole being. A maturation process of transmutation. Learning to sit with and love the unloveable. Being with the not-beautiful. This is what the spiritual journey, the awakening journey is all about. Bringing more awareness to every moment, every space occupied [as within, so without] and integrating the seeming duality into the folds of our inherent wholeness.

[Bringing us back to divine balance, the gnosis of being both fully human and fully divine.]

◇

I had a dream last night that brought me to a space of reflection on darkness and light. That from darkness— death— is where all life emerges. And the integration of the polarities of energy that exist within us, masculine and feminine; light and dark— a vital part of the coming home journey— deepening to rise;

the deeper the roots, the higher the branches.

We as physical beings, are the midpoint. Soul’s sanctuary, keeping the eternal flame lit.

And our journey is not to escape the body, [the so-often glorified “transcendence” as a means of bypass] but instead to bridge the void between our whole humanity, the physical manifestations that we are, and whole divinity: our remembering of the divinity that we are, the god within. This illumination requires darkness.

And the journey of Psyche into divine union, through death [her marriage was also a funeral] required her surrendering into the depths to find the heights [in her case it was her drinking the elixir of immortality and securing her place amongst the Gods after she journeyed, through many tasks, including a trip to the underworld— and ultimately achieved divine union with Eros.]

Virgo [where our moon currently resides], is associated with Ceres, the grain goddess. Bountiful harvests that can only come to fruition by first planting seed into earth— to be nourished and incubated in the dark, to grow roots; taken from the earth [beginning of death] to sustain and nourish life.

We too are planted in this way. In the darkness and protection of the womb to grow, and eventually, incur a separation from the Mother. This separation is a vital part of the path. For if we were never separated, there would be nothing to find our way back to. Life/death/life. Inevitable absolutes. The forgetting is a vital component of the remembering. The stumbling and making mistakes, the “not knowing”— to be smacked upside the head with like a brick of sudden awareness—is on purpose. The journey to higher consciousness starts below the surface, an exploration deep in the underworld.

To find our way to divine union, which, as within, so without, is the coming home to balance—polarity— within self. And as such, in order to manifest the same in the outer world, we must take this journey first.

Relationship and self: both great entry points of exploration, both uncharted territory.

And here, is where we see that marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage. For to merge with other, one must first find self. Come home and merge with self. Coming home is experiencing, a clearing and de-rubbling, and a remembering; a return to a symbiotic relationship with the inherent cycles of nature, the mother—Life/death/life. An inherent rhythm, that if learned to dance to with grace, trust and in surrender, leads us, one step at a time, exactly where we are [meant to be].

***

---

Day 4/28. Weaving threads and themes of: Vesta’s sacred and eternal hearth, divine union of Psyche and Eros; Nyx, the goddess of the night and alchemical marriage and [shocking I know] a bit about awakening, because that seems to be the place it always comes back to. It did actually begin with a dream that I woke to this morning and from there became as I mentioned in the poem, following the breadcrumbs and seeing where it led me. Honestly, I have no idea if this makes any sense, and, as a part of this challenge for me is writing and publishing same day, there is a fun little tension in flowing and attempting to connect dots [especially when I don’t begin writing until 8pm] and then waking up the next morning to see if I even like what I wrote [funny and true story]. Deepening into trust that whatever flows out of me is what is meant to [even if some days it’s terrible or makes no sense]. The practice of leaning into the edges of the journey, and being less worried about destination. Thank you as always for flowing with me ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

N1.3 The Chariot of Nyx; attributed to the Sappho Painter

PS:And here, are a few quotes I pulled from my google deep dive earlier today… enjoy ;)

Within the ascending Psyche, rooted in human matter, merging with the descending Eros, connected to heavenly light, we find a true soul communion.  According to Demetra George, the Psyche asteroid illuminates our capacity to be sensitive on a psychic level to an Other and is about our desire for a soul mate, a union with a lover under the guidance of divine energy through the path of conscious relationship.  Yet Psyche is not only about a spiritual and sexual union with an Other, but also can be about a union within the Self.  Through Psyche, erotic energy is akin to the procreative life force when we are swept away in our body by bonding with a lover or other desire.  In this way Eros is the primal, procreative force of our passion that underlies our vision and desires, as well as indicates our sexual attractions and vitality. https://graycrawford.net/tag/psyche/#:~:text=According%20to%20Demetra%20George%2C%20the,the%20path%20of%20conscious%20relationship.]

***

“The Alchemical Marriage is the union of duality and the most revered and possibly powerful union. It is the perfect conjunction, intimate bonding of duality and signifies the pure, deep harmony which occurs whenever the masculine and feminine elements of nature combines into One.” https://princessapetra.com/2016/11/07/on-alchemical-marriage/

*https://www.llewellyn.com/journal/article/1303

**https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid_and_Psyche

Free Spirit: A Legacy of Love

Day 1: New Moon In Cancer

***

“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”

- Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

Yesterday, a woman by the name of Marguerite Porete was brought into my consciousness...

A woman who was deemed a threat to the dominating structures of power that existed during her time. Who lost her life through speaking what felt true in her heart and standing for her personal divine sovereignty, and as an offering in reflection to what is available within us all. Marguerite was burned at the stake in the year 1310AD as a heretic, because she refused to recant the beliefs she wrote about in her book “The Mirror of Simple Souls”.

She was murdered for speaking about personal empowerment. For attempting to share that this way of being in union with the divine, is accessible to all from within.

That’s wild, right? Or is it? For those of you who have dug into history and the goings on of those times, this won’t seem too out of the ordinary in terms of operating procedures. But now, on July 20, 2020, are things so much different [outside of the obvious not being burned alive part]? Not the outcome but the energy behind the punishment…the judgement and condemnation; the violence that stems when the status quo puts up massive resistance against anyone who dare step out of the boxes of what has been deemed acceptable, “good” or polite in our current society. Are we really so different today?

Are we curious or fearful of those individuals on this [beautiful yet harrowing] journey back to self—the reclamation of personal sovereignty— who merely stop showing up in the world in a way that is comfortable and familiar and conforming?

Who instead of fitting in have been unsubscribing to the status quo as absolute truth, and instead fact checking it against the internal knowing—soul truth, with a discerning heart— and when appropriate, choose to show up differently, as a more authentic version of self. Not in rebellion for the sake of it, or needing to stake a claim as an individual, but for the sake of honoring the truth that suddenly begins to pour from their own hearts and can no longer be denied. Taking up space in their authentic way as a means to thrive as whole beings.

How dare they be empowered from within; [with the very same source energy that has the capacity to flow through all of us, if we were to clear out the blocks keeping it outside of self that is].

How dare they take up space unapologetically. [And I don’t mean taking up space or ways of being that are physically harming anyone. I mean, taking up the space they were brought here to take up, with fierce grace and compassion; divinity in motion.]

How dare they, right? Or is it, how brave they are… for these are the beings— leaders of the reclamation of soul— bringing back humanity to the forefront in a world suffocating in the absence of it. Acting in service to and for humanity. And yet, in this current climate, how do we perceive, receive and judge them?

How we judge says a lot more about us personally, than them. And often is a byproduct of our perpetual striving to attain this elusive concept of divinity— and subsequently avoid proximity to those that would be deemed “sinful” so we don’t catch it— so that we can secure our future seat at the good table. Funny thing is, divinity was and never has been outside of our grasp. Nothing to be strived for, only awakened to. A remembering. Something to be lived here and now, in this life.

That can be a hard pill to swallow. Because the mirror “those ones” hold up, reflects an unfamiliar “face” of the sacred space we all have the capacity to occupy— if we are willing to get uncomfortable and begin questioning everything that we have adopted as absolute. The knee-jerk judgements inevitably come in as a result of unconscious conditioning— that says anything outside of our narrow paradigm is a threat to our safety and survival— and suddenly, as a result, showing up in the unadulterated and unfiltered love that each and every one of us is, feels too dangerous, too exposed from an unconscious frame of reference. Especially to those unacquainted with such a beautiful intensity.

How uncomfortable we have been with the presence of true unconditional love.

Could you even identify it when you are in the presence of it? Do you realize that love can come in an infinite number of [packages] and flavors, not always palatable or comfortable, sometimes gentle, other times intense, and yet all love, just the same?

Have you ever felt instinctive unease, suspicion or threatened when someone shows genuine affection or vulnerable expression, especially out loud, in public, outside of the designated “acceptable” spaces and places?

Love is an energy that is infinite and fluid, not to be owned or managed.

Love is not attachment.

Sit with that for a moment.

This kind of love i’m attempting to describe, the unconditional variety, is an energy that asks nothing from and is interested only in being witnessed. It doesn’t need something from you to survive. It doesn’t take from and it isn’t about control and domination or power of any sort. It just is. Absolute and all encompassing.

And it seems counterintuitive, but we have been conditioned to be in rejection of this energy we are all comprised of. Why? Maybe because it can be so intensely transformative and we have not yet built the stamina to stand in and receive; allow it to move and affect us. Maybe because personally empowered beings, flowing with unconditional love are really hard to manage and control.

I can’t say absolutely, but I do know the consequence of this rejection: we hold it away, keeping it from getting too close, villainize it and thereby suffocate love— out of this need for it to show up in a form that is palatable and digestible for us [translation: into something comfortable that we can control]. We want it, we crave it and we are terrified of all the ways it moves us, so we strangle love into attachment by attempting to force it into a box.

And as a result, we are disconnected from our humanity and connection to the wholeness and truth of who we really are.

For that reason, most of us have never experienced true, unconditional love; have yet to sit with the tension within of our own composition that is this potent life force energy.

And in order to maintain the status quo, “dominator consciousness”— the power and control dynamics the overwhelming majority of this world currently operates within—there is a package we have been taught that we must come wrapped in to be acceptable [translation: safe]. This usually is some version of tame, polite, ”good”, selfless. The wild, unapologetic and loving self, uninhibited by the dictations of those needing our conformity in order to maintain; sovereign and whole beings, empowered from within are absolutely a threat to that structure’s very foundation.

“And this is what made her work so dangerous. She didn’t need the direction of the church, or any external spiritual authority, but rather just the voice of love that existed within her”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

Free Spirit

I got a tattoo on my left forearm in early 2018 that says “free spirit”. At the time, it was because something was stirred within, an inner recognition sparked after I had been called a “free spirit” by a male authority figure [in a space I was working at the time]. And it wasn’t because he meant it in an encouraging or congratulatory way. No, he couldn’t find another term to describe me, but felt saying it out loud would be a slight. How do I know this? Well, because he prefaced it with “So don’t take this the wrong way, but….” and it ended with “you’re kind of, you know, a free spirit”. And I smiled at him and asked “why would I take that the wrong way? I am a free spirit”. And the look of confusion and the angle at which his head tipped to the side led me to believe he was a bit confused by my statement of acceptance of the title.

Fast forward to yesterday. I never knew that there was a whole group of people who were referred to as The Bretheren of the Free Spirit*, mainly between the 13th-15th century, and in learning about Marguerete Porete [diving down the rabbit hole of Wikipedia], I not only learned a bit more about what was considered heresy in those times—that would lead someone to lose their life— but I felt a deep resonance with this woman and her journey. And sadly, not surprised by the almost comical hypocrisy of what these acts were carried out in the name of.

I also now understand why the unconscious response to someone who is not confined by the suffocating guidelines, dictated through structures built upon patriarchal foundations, is fear and resistance/rejection. Someone, especially a woman, whose esteem is sourced from within and doesn’t need the approval of the outside world to be embodied and in deep reverence of their worthiness, truth, and inherent value— I get why those people [my kind of people] seemed dangerous to the very core of those who held the majority. Those who subscribe to the notion that power is finite and must be taken or given in order to be powerful could not “afford” to allow people to realize they had the capacity to be empowered from within. Could not hold the tension of each one of us being sacred and whole unto self. It would completely destabilize the structure that all else was [and still is for the record] built upon.

I would also argue, that those trapped in the finite/scarcity model of power couldn’t/cannot recognize the ability to be sovereign and independently empowered in themselves, so how could they hold space for and witness it in others?

Free spirit has taken on an entirely new meaning as I look down at my arm, as I type these words. In another time, I would have likely lost my life over my deep belief, in alignment with Marguerite, the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, and the many others that came to this nous in their own right, independently of any outside influence or teachings: those humans that by just being, remembered the truth; who in finding their love, achieved union with the divine, from within. And again these words I shared at the beginning ring so powerfully in my heart:

“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”

There is some potent energy swirling in this wild time of human history and what i’d like to close out on is an offering in the form of a reflection— what i’ve been noticing within myself over the last 48 hours. Old wounds being activated around being misunderstood or misinterpreted and having my words or intentions twisted into something malicious when they are wholly benevolent in nature. Or others projections in response to my authentic expression, and their preconceived notions and beliefs around what is “good” and what is “evil” or “bad”. I’ve been knocked into deep reflection because of the intensity of the trigger felt within my body as these instances occurred— mostly my old “being good” narrative being pinged— and I had to take some time to unpack what my reaction to the outside information was really about. This is my work in action.

So i’ll also invite you to witness, if you feel so called— from an observers curiosity— the moments or experiences in the forms of people and interactions and the internal response to external stimuli as it relates to stories around belonging and safety/survival. The stories and old beliefs around who you feel you have to be in order to be accepted, loved, worthy. When you notice these themes coming up, just watch, with curiosity, kindness and non-judgement and see where it leads you…

The messages I’m receiving in response to my own witnessing, the support and synchronicities all around me are pointing toward:

-Boundaries. Not to keep others out, but to stand, grounded in love, palms out and open, with that aforementioned fierce grace and compassion.

-To continue on this path, even when there are days where it would be easier to cave, to be polite and apologize for the space I’m occupying, or to go along with those that are operating from a paradigm of who we need to be before we are worthy of love, belonging, success, etc.

-To witness my reactions to the projections, discern between defensiveness and lack of alignment with my own values and meet it always with love, even if my love could also be misinterpreted. To be me fully, not asking anyone else to be like me, and also not apologizing for the space that feels true in the depths of my being [i’m a sacral authority for you HD folks, so my truth often time calls to me from sacred womb space kind of depths].

And on this new moon, in the sign of cancer, that is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry**, the intentions i’m setting, the lesson i’ve taken from everything swirling, conspiring for me, is a looking back, to honor the legacy of love— and the fear that has labeled “free spirit” as a dirty word. As profanity. As heresy. And reclaiming it as the legacy of the divine— the beauty way that it truly is— that I feel will bring us into a new era of humanity, if we allow it to move us. If we are willing to do the internal excavation and reclamation work that will allow it to flow through us.

And I’m being called deeper within still. Peeling back new/old layers that no longer serve this current iteration of “me” but instead keep old karmic wounds festering. Giving these wounds new fresh air to breathe, and thereby heal.

Liberation of soul.

Free spirit, a legacy of love…

As within, so without.

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Happy New Moon and thank you beautiful human for being here on this wild journey with me. Referenced amidst my post was an excerpt from a new moon reading around the presence of goddess Isis energy that I wanted to share here as an offering as it feels relevant in this moment [Isis currently transiting over my 8th house Scorpio South Node so extra juicy vibes for me]:

“Isis is making a harmonious trine to the new moon, bringing in some really big, beautiful healing energy. Cancer is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry, so there is potential for ancestral healing. Uncovering how ancestral patterning can play into our stories of self-worth, success, relationships etc. and how this affects us on an emotional level. With this new moon we have the opportunity to move forward with less entanglements from the past, and who better to support us than Isis, with her ancient wisdom and high vibe healing magic.”

-by Alexis Bolvin (@alexismidnightmusings on IG)

and finally a little nugget of wisdom from one of my favorite decks that I pulled last night:

“When your journey requires that you stand apart from the crowd, don’t be afraid to embrace your outsider status and the freedom it bestows upon you— to think differently and objectively analyse what isn’t working with the clarity that comes with a more remote point of observation. Your unconventional views may cause discomfort to some at first, but it is of the good sort. This sort of discomfort can stimulate a healing crisis, a divine disruption that cracks faulty belief systems, making way for inspired innovation and radical improvement.”

-“Earth Warrior's Oracle”

***

Out of curiosity and a little challenge to myself, I am going to write a post a day, 28 days, for one complete cycle of the moon. Reflections from the observers perch, what’s swirling inside of me in the present moment and in response to the world around me. The only “rule” i’ve given myself is that I have to write/edit/post all within the same day. I’m interested to see what comes through me during this time, how my expressions may or may not be influenced by the transitions of the moon and what unfolds between now and next month.

Thank you for taking the time to be here in this space witnessing me, in my authentic expression. And I would, as always, love to hear what was sparked or that resonated, that you have taken from away from this reflection…

Be well, honor your energy, your journey and your love.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brethren_of_the_Free_Spirit