a particular kind of soulfulness //

I asked a question recently to Self/Soul and one of my decks of cards and this is what came through…

What will support healing, integration and soul reclamation with all the has been opened in the collective recently?

plant guide // MINT

I pulled a card from “The Druid Plant Oracle” and the message I felt was an invitation. For you to use the clarity gained from the space within created to intentionally move forward while paying attention to your surroundings. Distractions will always be here— it’s your work to lean into the sensations that bring up resistance and be the witness to the messages soul has for you.

“When an individual’s particular kind of soulfulness, which is both an instinctual + spiritual identity, is surrounded by psychic acknowledgement and acceptance, that person feels life and power as never before”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés

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The proverbial can of worms— Pandora’s Box if you will— that has been opened in the collective brings with it what sometimes feels like never ending source of pain, grief and anger as illusions [or delusions] long held, begin to splinter and fracture, leaving us to sort through the mess. And with the trust and tools to navigate these confronting truth’s we have an opportunity to finally learn a particular lesson: that pain is not to seek nor avoid, but instead to accept as an inevitable aspect of our human challenge and by standing in the tension of its presence, allowing self to feel that which we have so desperately sought to do away with— this is where your true POWER shows itself;

the resilience of a beating heart and fractured soul

And this lesson felt, from this place you can finally make room for the love, joy + pleasure that previously had no space to breath, move, nor lay a foundation in your being. Now that the generations, the lifetimes of unacknowledged and unhealed hurt is being liberated from our being— through being honestly and vulnerably spoken about, tears, righteous rage…in acknowledging it all we are making room for the beauty this life has waiting for us.

These problems, this massive societal “way it is” — it’s not going to disappear overnight. They require more hard truths spoken, more accountability on a personal level of how we are either a part of the perpetuation of suffering or the resolution.

For the record, [and a loving reminder]: it won’t just go away if you avoid it— it will just perpetuate your personal suffering, as well as collective suffering. So rest up, rejuvenate your body, mind and spirit, because it’s not over yet AND we were build to handle this— we came here for this. You have what it takes to keep going. TRUST.

We need you. Perseverance, get creative, take action. Have patience; bit by bit, slow and steady, one layer at a time, and most importantly trust your inner guidance system to lead you exactly where you need to go. One step at a time.

be gentle with yourself and those around you, beautiful human, you’ve got this.

With gratitude and always love,

descent into darkness

companion piece to “a new layer; exposed”

It started as a journal entry. A thread of an idea that morphed into a twisty journey into the depths; as per usual, my own and then stepping out looking at the challenges [as I see it] facing humanity at large; eventually to broken down into two expressions; the foundation setting [that would be this one] and a sharing of my own personal season of darkness [a new layer; exposed]. So in this first half of the whole, i’m going to take you down, down, down the stairs, into the basement and then beyond. One step at a time we are going to make our descent… I hope you enjoy…

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“a shift so slow it’s barely noticeable, until one day we find that we are immersed in the dark once again; left wondering how we came to be back in this place, again; a descent into darkness…”

seeking the light, rejecting the dark; a metaphor + tension points

We are steeped in divisiveness.

Looking for who is to blame for whatever problems we are facing, individually or collectively; feeling confused, hurt, desperate, terrified— or likely at this point—numb to most of it. Why? Because we are afraid of and disconnected from ourselves and from each other. In the name of survival for far too long we have been going along with this divide and conquer methodology— coerced into picking sides in the name of safety, survival and belonging.

One of the great paradoxes we are faced with is the fact that there is duality and non-duality; individual physical beings here to experience this life as the “I” but also, I believe, to come back to Self at such a depth that we remember that we are also divine— every single one of us— threads of the great tapestry of Soul, God, Divine, The Universe—doesn’t matter which label you give it— it is us, and we are it.

I once heard someone say [and i’m paraphrasing] that Oneness created separation to experience itself through the differences we all have and the variety of experiences we each go through— so we are both meant to experience the individual journey of the particular fragment of Soul that you came here to be and learn and grow through, as well as come back to the recognition of the God, the Good within that exists within us all, because we are it.

And sitting with the tension of holding multiple truth’s is challenging, especially the ones that require trust, faith, and a willingness to open our often fearful hearts and take the risk of truly witnessing another. And where it seems to me we have focused in on— to avoid such vulnerabilities and in an attempt at a grab for power [which equates to safety and survival in our unconscious] at least in Western culture— is the dualities. And then taking it a step further as a means to an end— we have created hierarchy and then punitive penalties for not falling in line with the prescribed way.

us vs. them, good vs. evil, light vs. dark, savage vs. civilized; the list goes on and on...

To use the seasons and cycles of nature as a metaphor for our struggle to hold space for the tension of two seemingly conflicting things lets talk about night and day for a moment, the literal light and dark.

We have been conditioned to look forward to summer and dread winter; at worst to despise, at best to tolerate the dark whereas the light is not only acceptable, but revered and strived for—the golden standard {pun intended}. And I get it, on some level we need things like sunlight and vitamin D to actually live— sun is important and being immersed in the dark can be unsettling. But just as there can be unseen dangers in the dark, equally so, the sun can literally kill you if you sit under it for too long.

Both contrast and balance are important in order for us to maintain perspective and frankly, any sort of reverence for the other side of any spectrum. One is not actually better or worse, it’s all in the perspective [and propaganda]. Each “side” which is really a spectrum, has a set of gifts and strengths as well as challenges, weaknesses or inherent dangers.

And the imbalance, the inability to hold the tension, is what I see as the root of so much of our suffering when I look at society as a whole— the obsession and borderline manic need to pick a side and then camp there, immovable; a rejection of parts of the whole and thereby a limited set of parameters of what is acceptable/safe/lovable/right and anything outside of that is wrong/bad/dangerous. Brené Brown refers to them often as our “ideological bunkers”. But regardless of what label you give to it, it’s limiting us, hurting us; killing us— literally, right now, in this moment.

The deeper the roots, the higher the branches

We passed the high point of daylight in the northern hemisphere a few weeks ago— the summer solstice— and now every day, until the winter solstice in late December, there will be slightly less daylight; and as such I’ve found myself reflecting a lot on the themes of darkness, cycles, and how we relate to our nature— both our personal nature and our place in it— as within, so without— and when I feel into what is happening on a collective level, I sense a visceral tension.

So many of us individually, along with long held structures and ideas being called up [and out] to reflect, to dismantle and shed [or burn to the ground]. This is a hero’s journey sort of call to courage and adventure. This is a call to descend into the darkness.

And with that invitation comes the tension point of potential change, and a lot of resistance. Resistance to the surrendering of the old in order to be reborn; resistance to receiving each other in our differences; resistance to seeing what we have previously been able to claim ignorance around, but are running out of places to hide from— the uncomfortable truth, previously relegated to the shadows as a result of a sort of societally encouraged blindness.

Convenient non-truths for a select few, from which we are all wounded.

And when I step out of the dramas of my own personal human experience [because i’m feeling this inside my own being on multiple levels], and take a look around from the observers perch, what i’m noticing— in friends and family, on social media— are these moments, of invitation and initiation; breakdown, reckoning— suddenly feeling like what was is no longer and now a new seemingly inevitable yet daunting path awaits. This is a season of descent. One that I imagine will last much longer than the six months of waning daylight we are currently on the path of.

If you’ve been here for a while you may recall a post last year I wrote about awakening and my own journey and this quote just came to mind:

“Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy. It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn’t. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.”

if you haven’t read “Awakening” you can find it here

shattering the illusions

It’s the archetypal story of the search for love and soul; a tale as old as time; the often times treacherous journey of awakening. The archetype of Psyche*, the Greek Goddess feels very present during this time, as astrologically she is sitting in the sign of Cancer— the watery, deeply feeling yet guarded outer shell—symbolized by the crab; ruled by the moon. In an article by Judith O’Hagan, she describes Psyche as meaning: ‘breath, soul, mind’; and the Goddess Psyche gives her name to psychiatry, psychology, psychotherapy, and psychic. Her myth is a wisdom story about the awakening of consciousness.” [link to her fully article in the footer]

This call to wake up, to what truly is, looks like many things, and it’s different for each of us; there is no one “right” way to do this— there is however only one direction to go, and that is in.…

descent into awakening.

Awakening is not about being above your humanity as some sort of destination to aim for; in fact it’s not about rising above anything. It’s about uncovering and embracing the fullness of your being and along the way, shedding the aspects that limit your capacity to receive love; that restrict your capacity to connect with the world around you. It’s moving through the stories, beliefs and non-truths that keep you from expressing your unique amalgamation of human and being able to accept others in theirs.

It brings you to a space where you can be fully present and open to the connection we all share in an acceptance and reverence for the nuance that has always existed, that we’ve just been too afraid to witness.

It’s being able to be curious instead of certain.

About being able to witness instead of judge.

Being fully engaged and in awe of the endless flavors that are available for us to experience—if we allow ourselves to be that open, that vulnerable— that brave— to be willing to see.

So no, it’s not about rising above, however, a byproduct of this expansion and liberation of soul is the expansion of the container that consciousness is. It is descent for expansion.

Down the rabbit hole

“Sometimes the one who is running from the Life/Death/Life nature insists on thinking of love as a boon only. Yet love in its fullest form is a series of deaths and rebirths. We let go of one phase, one aspect of love, and enter another. Passion dies and is brought back. Pain is chased away and surfaces another time. To love means to embrace and at the same time to withstand many endings, and many many beginnings- all in the same relationship.”

— -Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Women Who Run With the Wolves

the darkness: loosely defined

So what is this darkness i’m talking about? The darkness is a metaphor for the feminine [energy]. It’s an incubation space— the womb; the underworld and the birth canal.

It’s death and rebirth [the Life/Death/Life cycle]; the birthplace of creation and sensuality and pleasure and pain. It is unpredictable and confronting.

It is infinitely deep, not to be claimed, controlled or conquered; the moon floating in all Her expansive glory; the deepest, darkest woods where magic and mystery reside; the indescribable waters of the psyche.

It is the nourishing soil beneath the surface that allows our roots to take hold and our gardens to grow.

It is soul space.

And She, Shakti— life force energy itself— forces a sort of presence that requires us to rely on senses other than physical sight. Not rational, nor clearly defined; always shifting and changing, absolutely not linear or controlled or even practical at times. And so I get it, on some level why we are at the very least uncomfortable with embracing our own darkness; why we fear it, why we try our best to avoid it. It’s unknown. And just as our rejection of the darkness has led us to fear our own shadows, our resistance to letting go of control [a control we don’t really actually have in the first place] has led us to fear any sort of discomfort.

And to face and be willing to explore Her [the feminine energy, the darkness] comes with an inevitability; embracing Her, bringing Her in close assures that nothing will ever be the same. But, in the the words of Joseph Campbell— Mr. Hero’s Journey himself— “the cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek”.

So to offer a bit of a reframe of this long held belief that dark equals bad/evil/scary/undesirable [pick your favorite adjective and insert here]: what if this long and slow descent into darkness we are currently in the midst of were something your soul agreed to, to experience in this life? That the only certainty, was that it was going to move you in ways that you may not be able to imagine, but it eventually was going to lead you exactly to where you need to be, to become exactly who you are meant to be? And to lean into, to accept and hold reverence for the force that it is, even amidst the discomfort and pain that can come along with it, is a part of your purpose in this life— does that perspective change anything for how you relate to these parts of yourself long relegated and locked away in the corners of your being?

Just as there is a time for the sun to burn bright; for us to take inspired action, there are times to be steeped in the darkness unable to use our [limited] physical senses, thereby offering an opportunity to heighten others.

Or that which goes against the very foundation of our hustle culture/capitalistic society—the ability to rest and recharge— to sleep so we can actually function at full capacity. Yes, I know in theory you know sleep is important, but how much do you truly embrace and revere it? Is it something sacred or just another means to an end you do because you have to? This may seem like an insignificant point, but it is just another example of how what and how we have been told to value something has been assigned and creates a potentially harmful division— putting two things that could co-exist— work and rest— at odds with one another; a narrative that needing to rest being for the weak or “those not willing to do what it takes to succeed” and asking of us that we deny our bodies needs in pursuit of money, power, success—“the grind” glorified at the ultimate expense of our overall well being, and for what?

Why can’t we coexist in harmony instead of competition?

And this brings me back to where we began: the divisiveness and need to place the dualistic judgements of what is good, better, best. If we could learn to neutralize these judgements of either/or, of right/wrong or better/worse— what might that do to our capacity to hold more space for ourselves and each other.

Could it possibly change how we relate with self or shift how we step into the seasons and cycles of change, of doing and being, of death and rebirth— that are inherent to our true nature?

judgement as the limiting factor— change the narrative, change the world.

Now i’m going to invite you to imagine: a time when humans held a reverence for the sacredness of the Earth and all She provides; of the wilderness, of the night, of all living organisms. Where instead of a seeking to conquer, stake our claim for ownership and attempt to control—land, resources, each other— instead saw ourselves as stewards of the grounds we occupied, the champion of those people and things we were surrounded by, with no exclusions of what/who were to be treated with love and respect.

A time where there was a healthy awareness and acceptance of the inherent dangers of existing amidst it all— because of the understanding of our connection and role in the massive ecosystem we are a part of— and with that awe inspiring reverence and acceptance, there existed an allowance and the capacity to live fully and openly. A time when we looked to Nature and it’s cycles as a reflection of our own humanity [cue Elton John “it’s the cirrrcleeeee of life…”].

Imagine a time or space where the idea or presence of death was not met with abject terror and avoidance at all costs, but understood as the inevitable contrast that allows us to appreciate that which makes life so precious: that it ends.

rejecting death

And this brings us to the relationship we have with death. This is, at least in my opinion the greatest barrier to acceptance and embracing the darkness and thereby reclaiming our whole, true selves.

The judgement that death is somehow wrong—a punishment of some sort being doled out by a power higher than ourselves; the fear we have of the literal circle of life, is a barrier to living this life fully and wholly— both light and dark. Death can be sad. There is grief and heartbreak and a deep sense of loss when someone or something we care for dies. There will only ever be one of each of us and that is significant. The pain of loss is something to hold massively loving space for people to grieve and process however is authentic for them; it deserves to be acknowledged and felt. And it doesn’t mean it is wrong.

Our judgements of our emotions [or rejection of them] is the greatest barrier to our acceptance of the full spectrum of our humanity

And sometimes that person we have to grieve the death of is us. Who we are in this moment; little us; letting go of who we have been in the past and the story we’ve told ourselves about who we are or are not. Letting go of these stories that likely allowed us to survive our childhoods and the environments we came from, but don’t actually serve who we are becoming, so must be surrendered and allowed to die off, in order for us to step into new phases, seasons or cycles of our lives.

I have found personally that there is a well of grief in these deaths— that I had no conscious awareness were even there until I started my own descent. Leaning into this territory is some confronting shit; not only are you letting go of a familiar version of being, it is also an activation of the sense that “without this i’m not safe”. And because all of these emotions are the territory of the feminine energy, our challenging relationship with them, leads to a rejection of the parts of us that need to be witnessed, that need permission to flow: Anger, sadness, grief, longing— none of these emotions are wrong or bad, they just are; energy in motion, a part of the experience of being human. They are merely a part of the spectrum that is always moving always shifting.

I’m going to invite you to reflect for a moment on what feels like this culturally adopted belief— that i’m putting into my own words— that may not ever have been spoken directly to you or written this way, but that I feel so many of us pick up or have been shown along the way in this life — the belief that we were given this big spectrum of these big and small emotions as some sort of test to see how well we can reject what is innate to us. To challenge us to see how well we can capture, control and lock away the unruly bits, and only let ourselves and the world around us see the comfortable, “appropriate” ones.

Am I the only one who picked up along the way that there was no acceptable time and place for a a good heavy cry? What about that “anger is bad/dangerous— don’t be angry”. Or to experience pleasurable moments is shameful or selfish; that the only way to get the pat on the head of “good” was to keep it all under lock and key or at the very least hidden away for nobody else to have to see?

Have you adopted one or all of these [or others] as your own truth and belief— as in, is this how you deal with and relate to your emotional states? And if so, how has that been working out for you?

And as always, especially if you are new here— there is zero judgement here, where you are in this moment is exactly where you are meant to be, and whatever you are feeling, is held in this space with love; this is merely an invitation as always for reflection. If it sparks something in you, I would invite you to follow the thread and see where it leads you, if not, move on.

And also—believe what feels true to you. What I believe: there isn’t anything wrong with any of our emotions, it’s how we relate to them that I see as problematic. I believe they are indicators— to what we are thinking about or needing to pay attention to, in a moment; meant to flow and move and shift. They are a state of being, not who we are. And I believe we were given this deep capacity to feel as a way to experience the divine in the mundane.

Just because it’s on purpose, doesn’t mean it’s easy.

It is a challenge. And it absolutely is work to take ownership of our own emotions; takes practice to wield them in a way that does no harm to ourselves or others. And likely, nobody taught you even where to begin with this. But just because it’s hard, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I reject the notion that we were designed to fit into a few cramped boxes of existence and anything outside of that is wrong/bad somehow. And I also reject the idea that were created in order to resist and reject the aspects of ourselves and each other that don’t fit into those boxes; as if it’s some sort of test by God that we have to pass in order to be deemed worthy.

Does that feel a bit off to anyone else?

Now, it may feel like “the way” because of the way we have operated for far too long. But it doesn’t make it absolute, or the way it is meant to be.

The passed down narrative of controlling self and each other— the “dominator consciousness” that tells us the non-truth that power is finite and must be taken or given to us in order to be safe has led us to believe that the only way to be in the world is through repressing, fighting with and rejecting parts of our humanity, specifically the parts that have been associated with the feminine— creating a hierarchy of essentially the “most and least human” and thereby worthy of love, belonging, safety and sovereignty— and my, how that bullshit narrative has stuck and been absorbed by all of us on some level. And it’s side affects have been devastating…

So the choice to reckon with— emotionally, psychologically, physically, spiritually— what has led us to standard operating procedure in this world is a major piece and catalyst for the awakening on a collective level we are being invited into:

A shift in our point of focus; a shift out of resistance and rejection of this aspect of self and other— and into curiosity and receptivity— so we can stop limiting our capacity to love, express and allow a sense of safety and trust to exist that allows all of us to be our whole, full selves. We are all made of light and dark. Rational and irrational. Deeply feeling and sensing and also laser focused and pragmatic. We must bring all parts forward.

[*and quick side-bar if you’re new here: we alllllll have feminine energy, so this isn’t just a “woman thing”, none of us are exempt from this and if you don’t like the label of masculine/feminine energy, feel free to insert another that resonates more deeply with your truth, just know that regardless of how you label it, this polarity exists within each of us, and that’s beautiful and perfect.]

What fearing death also does, is keep us stagnant;

There are so many deaths happening—or at least opportunities for death on a metaphorical level that we resist— that are the catalysts for our liberation, for our most nourishing relationship with self and the world around us, but our fear of the discomfort that these deaths bring, and the stories we have been told about how it’s bad/wrong/dangerous— keeps us from leaning into and surrendering to them; to shed the old skin that no longer fits us and to be reborn.

The way it’s been for a really, really long time— has been. It had its own purpose and things that had to be experienced before we were ready to shift out of and into a new space. And as we so easily forget and get caught neck deep in the drama we’ve created— this is why I love stepping back and looking to nature for examples of how to surrender and flow; a reminder that after the dark, there is light; there is a season for death and then rebirth and on and on and on. These are the mirror of what we are, how we naturally are if we allow ourselves to just be. We were not designed to be stagnant and never change. And we were not meant to all be the same as one another [how fucking mind-numbingly-boring that would be].

Being the same, staying the same, is more comfortable for sure. But it does a disservice to ourselves and the world around us for us to resist and reject our authentic expressions, cycles and seasons.

It’s time to do things differently.

Historically, the darkness, otherwise known as the watery depths of the psyche and the feminine energy has been rejected.

She [capital S] has been scapegoated and deemed as less than, weak. It has been made a societal standard for it to be dangerous to rest into and express from these spaces; to express authentically the whole spectrum of our being. And yes, this has deeply affected all of us and is a big part of what has contributed to where we are today, to our mucky relationship with the darkness.

And I want to make sure you understand, that the darkness, is not a one and done, scale the mountain peak and “thats it” sort of thing. The cycles and seasons of the darkness are on the micro and the macro. They happen slowly and unfold over years, months. They happen every single day when the sun sets; you die in every exhale. There is no actual escaping this, without abandoning self.

The darkness— the feminine— is a part of you. So breathe down into the space— into your physical being. and even for just a moment accept that your soul, your life force energy— your whole self— is right here, whether you can feel it or not. That you are supported and guided by this unseen force, always. And even if you can only connect with it for an hour, or even a moment. This is part of your journey back to self, back to sensation— back to soul. It is personal and unique and universal. It is a sacred gift; a connection to the divine. And it is yours to embody if and whenever you so choose. Whenever you are willing to lean in.

Our resistance to soul, to receiving the gifts that She has to offer, has kept us in conflict not just with the world around us in this unnatural hierarchy of what’s acceptable or good and right vs. what is not; but most tragically in conflict with our own selves. Waging wars within. And this is where I have found myself, time and time again— even with all that I know to be true, fighting with myself, struggling to accept the wholeness of my humanity.

I dive more into where this expression came from in the follow up to this, “a new layer, exposed”; a reflection of my own personal reckoning with the darkness and my current iteration of it; a new layer that’s been peeled back and exposed— now needing to be integrated into my present being— and how i’ve been fighting like hell to hold on [yea, all that stuff about resisting death— guilty over here— it seems I am human afterall]. You can find that expression here.

But what i’ll leave you with for now, is a quote from Women Who Run With the Wolves— because after all, Clarissa Pinkola Estés just has all the most deeply resonant words when it comes to reclaiming what is our birthright and our true essence [if you haven’t read Women Who Run With the Wolves, it’s one of my all-time-top recommendations!]— and I felt that these words are a great reminder and maybe a loving nudge to lean in; after all that I have just dumped in your lap to sort through;

and as it relates to this descent and call into the darkness— into our personal + collective awakening journey:

“All the “not readies,” all the “I need time,” are understandable, but only for a short while. The truth is that there is never a “completely ready,” there is never a really “right time.” As with any descent to the unconscious, there comes a time when one simply hopes for the best, pinches one’s nose, and jumps into the abyss. If this were not so, we would not have needed to create the words heroine, hero, or courage.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés; "Women Who Run With the Wolves"

So be brave, be kind, be curious; with the world around you and most importantly with yourself.

You are finding your way to a home you likely never consciously knew you were seeking, craving or missing—but on some level always knew existed; the safe space you’ve been waiting for. It is just now the time for you to lean in and go about the business of finding your way back; it’s time to descend into the darkness.

Thank you for being here, lovely soul in all your beautiful humanity. I’m sending so much love as you navigate these psychic waters; you’ve got this!

With gratitude and so much love,

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PS- The sun is currently transiting the sign of Cancer and as I mentioned earlier, the asteroid Psyche is as well + we are sitting in a New Moon in Cancer, today as I type these final words— Cancer a water sign, the sign of the crab— the guarded outer shell protecting a deeply feeling and flowing aspect of our being; also ruled by the moon— so yea, we are full on in the waters of the feminine, the underworld, the space of pyschic exploration and awakening during this time, which fits so beautifully with this whole expression + so i’m loving the synchronicity of completing this and the companion piece today, after wrestling with it for the last two and a half weeks or so.

If you are interested in a beautiful synopsis of the Cancer New Moon [or any current astro event], I highly recommend checking out my beautiful story-weaving sister friend @skyloreastrology on IG, for her take on the New Moon In Cancer

PPS- Also, to read the full post I mentioned earlier, about the archetypal story of the Goddess Psyche written by Judith O’Hagan, click here

Be well sweet ones ❤︎

trusting {in flow}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

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A puzzle complete; whole and sturdy in a deep knowing sort of way.

wild woman; opening portals, slamming doors.

Can you trust me to lead the way or will you startle at my roar?

Can you find you place amidst the folds of the great unknown?

Oceans of tears never cried— initiation {the beginning}

Never cease to be astounded at the strength of Her;

willingness to refuse to stay boxed in for others comfort.

A lifetime that says conform, and you lean in;

setting the box on fire and burning with it to the ground—

paving the way to the true—

leaving it— that comfortable and stifling known

stepping into new depths;

stumbling in the darkness.

Lead by intuition and trusting in the flow,

before you even know what it means to trust.

The head does not lead here— this is soul territory.

***

Day 28/28: I really left this one up to the last minute. Trusting in the flow [hoping for the best]. Today I’m feeling inspired by a session with a client; a divine reminder of the absolute power that is the feminine— blossoming in progress— coming home to the instinctual nature [as Clarissa Pinkola Estés would put it]. “The pain is great”— my client on the table, feeling… allowing herself to be physically moved to release amidst a sea of pain. This is a different kind of strength. It’s not how well we hold it all together and in, or how we put on an act to the outside world that we can do it all; how unaffected we appear to be by how much it hurts. How much weight we carry at the expense of self and soul in the name of being selfless creatures that make us worthy of praise and love [I write that as I roll my eyes at this stupid narrative that we have been spoon fed since infancy].

This kind of strength is in the courage. The knowing how much it’s going to hurt and doing it anyway— to find the way home to an unknown foreign land. For freedom and liberation. It is facing the abyss of a lifetime of grief unexpressed, and taking a step forward… and another one, and another one. This re-connection— to self and soul— is not some glamorous process. There are tears— bucket and oceans of tears. And lots of snot. Resistance. And discomfort so intense it makes you want to crawl out of your skin. Oh, and nobody told you about the righteous rage from wounds unhealed— coming in as you recognize from a new paradigm of awareness and connection to the sensations of your body— that you were in fact violated, and it’s shocking, and it hurts. And simultaneously being faced with the tension of “good girls don’t get angry” when all you feel like doing is fucking screaming and roaring and burning it all down.

When I say this isn’t “all light and love”, spiritual bypassing sort of stuff, I’m not kidding. And wow. I am in awe of the courage I get to be in the presence of. I have such a deep reverence for the stories entrusted to me, that I get to witness and hold sacred as these brave souls navigate being, from a new, unpracticed perspective and awareness. And when I say courage, it doesn’t mean without fear. It’s not about not being afraid— it’s about noticing the fear, and leaning in when soul says “step this way”. And standing still, when it says to pause. It’s drawing your own damn roadmap, writing your life script one step at a time. And stumbling blindly in trust as you wait for the next best step to reveal itself, even when you don’t really know what it is to trust self and soul—but you know—even though you don’t. You know? [I know this may make no sense or all the sense— but there is a lot of seeming contradiction in this place too]. There is not a one-size fits all path to life. It is you and you. And more you. And the closer you get to the truest version— it gets easier to step in your highest good [which is subsequently in the highest good of all] to pivot and stand strong in all that comes along with following the path back home— and the more aware you become, the painful reality is that you can never go back to that small and comfortable space. You burned it down, and all is left, is you. And what a beautiful gift indeed that is.

So yea, I get to do this work. So I guess, what I’m trying to say is I’m steeped in gratitude for the unfolding that is my script, that through trust, I have been led. I’m grateful to the beautiful souls that meet me along the way and add color and nuance and depth— and so much love— to my story and practice. That trust me with a truth they may not yet fully realize, but that is dying to make it’s way to being expressed in the world. I could go on and on, but since I have about 5 minutes until midnight, i’m going to call it. On this last day of this 28 day challenge i’ve given myself. I made it. And I suppose i’m grateful for that too.

Thank you to each of you that read one sentence, or read each and every post and every one of you that falls somewhere in the spectrum in between. I appreciate you.

With immense gratitude and always LOVE,

A W A K E N I N G

4.14.20

[from the journal series]

Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy.

It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn't. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.

I think back to the “before” me and I know I was her. The memories and sting of pain, shame, dampened spirit still can be brought into visceral experience, but it’s like I don’t know that woman anymore. She is not me. And she is. So much has fallen away from that former life that it’s hard to describe to those who only know this version of me.

Awakening is brutal and beautiful. It is the most gut wrenching, confusing, shit show of a mess, and there is this depth of knowing that it’s on purpose, that it’s true. It’s perfect in a newly defined way. A never ending exploration of the paradox and dualities of being a human, being. Infinite soul living this temporary experience. It’s a learning: to sit with the tension of seemingly contradictory truths— both, and.— and a witnessing. It comes in waves; a series of moments and the moments between [the Void]. It's an unfolding marked with “a-ha’s”, accented by darkness

It certainly would have been easier to stay where I was.

But I would have been trading one type of death for another. Had I stayed where I was, in my marriage, in the corporate climb; had I stayed white knuckle gripped to my striving to be the “good-girl”, having it all together and approved of by anyone and everyone, my soul would have collapsed on itself. I would have been alive, but I would be a shell— appealing from the outside, pretty even, but putrid and rotting on the inside.

When I talk about this path I’ve been on, that I guide other’s through, I tell them that they have a choice— whether to step in or not— and I do believe that. And then, when I think back to my journey and experiences, I know rationally I chose to do the hard and scary things, but it was never about that. Don’t get me wrong: it was fucking hard. To not just be open to and feel what it is to exist in the world on a day to day basis, but to dig into lifetimes of repressed shit, a lot of mine and plenty that isn’t mine to carry yet has been absorbed along the way, has left me feeling like a fucking lunatic some days. Wondering if it will ever end, “am I doing this right?”, “Whats the point of it all”, “no seriously, am I fucking crazy?!?”.

I had a choice.

It just always felt like no good or easy choice, there only was the choice. And especially at the beginning, by the time I got to the point of making it— of changing my status quo— things had gotten so uncomfortable in some ways it felt like: “If I stay in this place, I die. If I leave, it’s going to hurt like hell, but i’ve got a shot”.

In many ways it was life or death.

I wonder if there is a gentle path to waking up? If so, I’ve yet to hear about it. I do know i’ve been forged through the fires of initiation, and there is more to come, always, but it’s as though my mind can’t allow me to feel the intensities of what the last few years has been like. It just feels absolute. Like the steps I had to take. As though there was never another way for me. Like the truth I need.

It’s the truth I need like I need air to breathe; absolute. 

Now, fuck if I know where it’s taking me, but it’s taking me. It’s a bizarre experience to witness Self in hindsight, to see the inevitability of it all as though a car crash is happening in slow motion in front of me. How every moment, choice, person, seeming misstep was like a perfectly choreographed dance leading to well…destruction. But, like, in the best and most awful sort of way. And while I don’t know specifically where it is leading me, or where it will call “plot twist” and have me reeling, in a pile of ash and charred bones, it does in fact feel like a dismantling of a structure designed to keep caged the wild ones. Destruction for liberation.

It feels guided with a pinpointed intentionality smothered in what feels often like chaos. Especially in the midst of it all. And the deeper I relinquish into Soul, the more I shed, and the more intimate I become with surrender, the more viscerally I feel the knowing— the more I welcome it, even though there is an awareness that it will likely hurt more than a little bit. And my Catalyst?

Suffocation.

Needing air to breathe and knowing when the air became too thin— too hard to come by— that death of one form or another was imminent. And with death, inevitably came change [on the immediate horizon].

Interesting that this virus is infiltrating our systems and stripping away our ability to get the oxygen we need for our organs to thrive— it’s literally suffocating us. In the microscopic depths— our life blood that flows through our veins— that needs oxygen to survive. Without it, imminent death. 

Suffocation walking us into awakening.

Drawing a personal parallel, it’s like my need for the felt experience of truth. Without it— something in me, somewhere in me, warning bells sound— something is wrong: DANGER.

And at times the suffocation was so slow and imperceptible that I didn’t even notice it until I found myself dizzy, disoriented, gasping for air. 

Corona virus as a personal metaphor for the fear— that kicks me out of truth and binds itself as a mimic, fooling even my keenest senses for a bit, until all of a sudden— I feel it, that perceptible shift, something’s not right. Something is not true.

And my healing: It’s a going into the depths, clearing out the muck that is weakening my immunity and alchemizing the infiltrated cells in order to bring it all back to balance. To true north. To the highest good. To truth.

I need Truth like I need air to breathe.

This is my awakening journey.

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[in R E F L E C T I O N]

“A W A K E N I N G” was birthed as a journal flow I wrote about 2 weeks ago, reflecting on my own awakening journey as I was in the process of reading “More Myself: A Journey” by Alicia Keys and the last paragraph or so I had read before I started journaling one evening where she was reflecting on her process of waking up…

In many ways I was on the path to waking up for years before I really knew what it was. Before I could see what was happening. I knew things were changing, but I didn’t have language, context, role models or community to look toward for support or even a nod that I was going the right way. It just felt like no comfortable options were left and I had to choose the one that would give me a chance to breathe instead of continuing to suffocate [in the boxes created mainly of my own volition based on the messages picked up along the way]. I didn’t know at the time it was my soul crying out— to be witnessed, to be known— to lead the way.

I didn’t realize that the betrayals piling up were like shovels full of dirt thrown on a shallow grave.

I didn’t know until I couldn’t breathe and was forced to start asking “why?”.

And by “ couldn’t breathe” I mean I was actually having minor and sometimes major panic attacks before I walked into the home I shared with my husband at that time— I *literally* couldn’t breathe. I had already been in chronic physical pain for years at that point and most days I felt like a zombie because of the pain, the fact that my sleep was complete garbage and what I came to recognize were other factors that were crushing me.

I still didn’t begin to “see” [not with my actual eyes— but from glimpses into my soul] for quite a while after big change was set in motion, what those were all actually symptoms of. In fact, it took about five years for the big peeling back to really get underway. At that time, now eight years ago, I made one big life changing choice that gave me a little space to breathe, got me out of imminent “danger” [my partner at the time, to be clear was not a dangerous person for me to be physically around, so when I say danger I don’t mean he ever would have intentionally hurt me, definitely not physically, but I was hurting]. And from that point, eight years ago, I continued to do things that were betrayals to the essence of who I am, for years after.

In fact, I spent the next 5 years running; distracting and numbing, punishing myself and trying to avoid freeing myself from the cage of crushing shame and blame I had assigned to myself.

I was running from the truth.

Because I didn’t know what my truth even was and I wasn’t ready to go about to business of dismantling and diving in deep to find it. It wasn’t time then.

So, instead of seeking more truth after the initial “aha” from the universe that something was off and leaving— ending that chapter of my life— I punished myself for choosing what was a “yes” in my Soul. I see in hindsight it was because my choosing me, meant I hurt someone else and I didn’t even realize at the time that I didn’t believe that I was actually allowed to do that: to be that selfish. Everything I had known up to that point was to be a good girl, and good girls do not hurt other people for their own inner peace. Even to save our own lives. But that is a story for another day... 

All the time spent in between the “ aha” moments of recognition— that time making decisions out of my values and integrity, accepting crappy behavior from others and matching said crappy behavior; continuing to numb and distract and trying to force myself into a life that didn’t fit anymore— those times are also the perfection of the journey.

How can I see that as perfection? Because it gives contrast and forces truth to the surface. It’s all on purpose and it comes for you in its way, and in the divine timing of your souls unique path. And even the days/weeks/years that you feel you are fucking everything up, that you are lost and can’t find your way out of the darkness; when you are numb and distracted and you are starting to witness how much so— yet you can’t seem to get out of the patterns and habits— yea, that’s a part of it too. It’s all part of it. The highs and lows, when you are at your best and worst. I know that can feel pretty screwed up. And from the human level of processing, it absolutely is. But it also is true. 

All to say: Awakening is messy and inconvenient. Shedding old skin is at best uncomfortable; it can’t be comfortable as we need a certain motivation to lean into the metaphorical death of transformation in order to be reborn. Otherwise we would keep wearing and being weighed down by old, dull, dried out skin that maybe looks like us but that we have outgrown; that no longer serves our highest good. 

There is no path to true Soul retrieval and liberation that is not forged by some version of the metaphorical fire. 

And as i'm over here painting this picture of fire/death and destruction and *likely* scaring the crap out of you; as you may be thinking “oh hellllllll no” and possibly considering getting the hell off this page [and if that’s where you are I always honor that], you may also be wondering “why” and to that I will say: First and always because it’s true and as previously stated: I need truth like I need air to breathe.

And it’s also something that I have a niggling suspicion, that if you aren’t already feeling the inward nudge of recognition that you may be in the process of this grand undoing in order to become; if you have a sinking feeling in the pit of your gut [womb space] that it’s coming for you: It’s already happening.

I have this overwhelming feeling that it’s coming for more than a few of us at this time in our human history— possibly more collectively than ever before. We are birthing something new into the world right now, whether we are a conscious and active participant or not. There is a weaving happening beneath the surface, outside of what the rational mind can even comprehend and it’s beautiful and messy and hard and True.

And while it is all the stuff we have spent a lifetime [or multiple lifetimes] avoiding, because it is painful AF, or because we are flat out afraid, it is also the greatest gift there is. To be alive in this time. With the communities and access to information and wisdom we can tap into. To have the opportunity to come home to Soul truth. To sink deeper and deeper into the bones, into the knowing and sense of trust in all that unfolds. To step fully into our individual power.

It is a gift like no other. 

It is also the path to liberation. It is the path to unconditional love. And there is something so beautiful about feeling that contrast. The Knowing. I can’t adequately express with words the everything that it is, just that it is everything. And sometimes it fucking sucks. It’s both. 

So, as I am only beginning to scratch the surface on this awakening exploration, I will leave you with this simple and deeply resonant quote I love from “Women Who Run With the Wolves” from Rosario Castellanos, *Mexican mystic and ecstatic poet [who] writes about surrendering to the forces that govern life and death:

"…dadme la muerte que me falta…”

“…give me the death I need…”

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Thank you as always for coming on these journeys inside my mind with me… I would love to hear your reflections on “Awakening” and what it sparked within you. And if you know of anyone who would benefit from my words, please do not hesitate to forward and share.

I truly believe this is a time where more of us than ever are getting the call to wake up and I know firsthand how confusing and overwhelming this journey is. My goal is always to try to put words behind deeply felt senses and that which is unseen and hard to explain, so I hope you can feel the truth behind the words, even when the words may not make sense. This is a space of exploration and curiosity, kindness and non-judgement, and if you are looking to dive deeper into this awakening journey and are seeking a guide, I would be honored to support you on this magnificently messy and beautiful path of Coming Home. You can contact me at info@nicolettebernardes.com.

Stay safe, make being witness a part of your practice, and with so much gratitude and always LOVE,

*”Excerpt from Women Who Run With the Wolves” ,from the story “Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter; Clarissa Pinkola Estés,