Uncomfortable, Scary, Vulnerable: Part 2

Apr 13

Welcome back!

If you haven’t read Part 1, I encourage you to begin there…because, well… it’s where the story begins. But even if you have, here is a quick recap of the core of ‘Coming Home’

When we are operating from the belief that we are worthy of love—just because we are, not because we have to do something first— we can begin moving in life as though we are on purpose. We can trust and listen to our intuition as a practice. We are able to show up fully and allow ourselves to be seen and experienced in our truth.

Love. Trust. Truth.

These are the pillars of wholehearted living; the foundation for ‘Coming home’. And from this place, we are able to experience the authentic connection and true belonging that we deeply desire.

So what does this have to do with him telling me “I love you Nicolette”?

When is it Enough?

It has everything to do with it, because again, love is everything.

I have been so attached to trying to understand and conceptualize what “true” love actually means, what the value of commitment represents to me; what someone being there for me should look like and trying to quantify and control it. And then it dawned on me: I have to practice what I preach. I am going up in my head and swimming in all these "what if’s" and trying to define what constitutes it being “enough” for what I need and desire, and in doing so I am drowning this beautiful and powerful love.

Why? Well, because I’m scared. Because life experience has trained my nervous system to believe that it’s only truly safe when I have all the answers, can see the outcome in advance, and have complete control of the situation. Which rationally I realize is not logical or feasible. Not for the kind of love I want…

I am judging whether or not his love is enough. What is enough is my love.

If I’m loving myself fully; if I’m filling myself up with love and showing up from a state of presence, trusting that what is, is exactly what it is meant to be, without judgment or attachment to how that looks, so in other words, I truly believe my own guiding principles, then whatever love he has to give me is enough and it’s my choice to receive it fully and with gratitude for the flavor and nuance it adds to my own love and life experience. Or I can judge it for what it may not be.

If I’m truly practicing what I preach and loving myself first and fully, then I am free to receive his love in whatever form it comes in, without expectation or attachments. Who am I to say that what he has to give is enough or not? If it is love, pure Love and Truth, it is always enough because it is everything.

So you may be thinking “ok yea, this sounds good, but if he’s not willing to give you what you need/want, then how can you say it’s enough?” [Yes, I’ve asked myself this question many, many times].

My answer to that— what I feel is true for me— is that his love, anyone’s love really, is always enough if it’s authentic, it just may not be what I need or what is right for me, and It’s my choice whether or not I participate in it. My responsibility is to determine what is best for me in any given point of time and to act in alignment with that. That is what I can control.

My inner turmoil related to this situation comes from the fact that it is uncomfortable. It’s vulnerable and scary because there is so much unknown.

I don’t know how this love and connection will manifest, I don’t know if it will stay a day, a week, a year, or a lifetime. I don’t know if he will choose to leave. I don’t know if it will annihilate me. I don’t know if I will desire it or even want to keep it forever. There are all these things I don’t know and what I have been doing is trying to hedge my bets and consider every angle as a buffer for the hurt I could experience. Well that’s not presence, it’s attachment and it’s fear, and when those two are in play, it’s not conducive to love flourishing authentically. Deep down in my soul, I know the truth; I am enough. That my love is enough, that I am worthy of the authentic connection — the love, passion, and true partnership that I desire. I believe that I am able to hold space for and be held safe by a true Warrior of a man, a man who is wild just like me—my King. When I scrape away the fear, this is the truth. It is what I trust. And when I step past that fear, and let go of the attachment it seems very clear and simple.

In this moment, his love is everything. It is what I am meant to experience now, and for as long as it serves both he and I. Nothing will change that Truth. I trust in that. His love is powerful enough that four words can literally change my physiology; it shifts my physical state. That is real. Where it goes from here, I don’t know, but I trust that I will understand when the time comes and as life continues to unfold for me.

Humble Yourself

During a recent class my instructor said the words “Humble yourself to the universe” and I felt that message course through my body in recognition. It was a reminder to me to let go of all that I cannot control. I made that very decision: to consciously relinquish control, just a few months ago. My soul was calling me to let go. Now, in this situation with my Warrior, I’m being called to do the same...let go and trust. Can I really do that? Like really let go, really trust?

If I strip away the fear and shift into a state of love, this is what is true to me:

I trust my strength and intuition.

I trust him to do everything in his power to keep me safe; even if that means it might ultimately hurt either him or me (or both of us).

I trust that he was put on my path, daring me to step up to the plate and show up fully and unapologetically as Me and to challenge all of the constructs and beliefs I have of what it means to connect in true sexual polarity, to push me to lean into the barriers I have put up against it.

I know it’s time for me to practice receiving in my divine feminine essence and leaning into the fear that flares up in moments of intimacy from experiences that have nothing to do with him; trusting and opening to the strong penetrating energy of the masculine, to a man on purpose coming from a place of love and truth.

His energy is daring me to strip down and allow myself to be seen, to allow myself to be felt, to feel allll the things and most terrifying— to relinquish control to another, in love.

The situation is inviting me to find my voice and gain confidence in the safety of that. The safety of my truth and my capacity to stand with myself as well as allow myself to stand with another, fully vulnerable, and know that no matter what, not only will I survive, I will be better for it.

To trust that this man will be willing and able to hold that space safe for me; that he is not here to manipulate me, try to control me or take advantage of me— and I have the ability to recognize when he shows up in my life.

There is so much that I am not sure of and there is plenty of fear when I allow myself to go up in my head and wonder about the unknown. But in this moment, it is crystal clear: there are going to be times when this is going to feel like the worst decision I ever made because it’s going to hurt. It’s going to be inconvenient for what I want in the moment. It’s going to be uncomfortable AF. And to us humans, uncomfortable often feels a lot like danger.

But this, in Joseph Campbell speak, is Act 2, [the hero’s journey]:

“The protagonist looks for every comfortable way to solve the problem. By the climax, they learn what it’s really going to take to solve the problem. This act includes the “lowest of the low”.

So basically, I’m in it. I cannot turn back now, even if I wanted to, because what once was there no longer exists and I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel just yet. I have to trust and go through it. Stumble in the darkness, knowing that I will make it through, no matter how battered and bloodied I may end up. And not only will I survive, it will bring me to exactly where I need to be.

This is what it means to trust.

Thank you again for being here with me!

I would love to hear your comments below with what if feels like to you— the thought of letting go of the control, the attachments, and allowing yourself to be seen and fully vulnerable with another? What has been your experience when you have done this?

With gratitude and always LOVE,