Uncomfortable, Scary, Vulnerable: Part 1

Apr 9

I wrote this expression in January of 2018, in the midst of an uncomfortable and challenging reality I was facing with a man I was relating in love with.

I didn’t publish it then, but it is something over the past year I have gone back to over and over again to reflect on, gain clarity from and draw strength from the truth’s that I feel in my core but sometimes in the midst of chaos, conveniently “forget” or struggle to get grounded in when my insecurities about my worthiness flare up.

Though a year has gone by, this is an important message for me as it not only speaks to that which I am so passionate about: love, relating and the importance of awareness of self and story, but this also was a place where I first recorded the philosophy that has been integral to my healing over the past few years that I call “Coming Home”. I have broken this original expression down into parts because there is a lot to it; the story of my experience, what it drew out of me, and what I learned from it. How being present to my Self, my fears, stories, desires and questions about relationship, intimacy and love all became intertwined into this deeply personal expression. How remembering these truths gave me something to hold on to when things were (and are) challenging, and continues to give me a feeling of liberation— layer by layer— of the stories that have been on loop in the background, perpetuating suffering and keeping me feeling like a hostage within my self for so long.

This expression is a snapshot of time and how I was choosing to navigate a particular situation. I look forward to it’s evolution as I continue to grow and learn and experience, both intimate relating as well as relating with the world on a human level. One of the most amazing (and terrifying) things about the experience of relationship is what can be learned about self, just by allowing yourself to be seen by and being vulnerable to another. Relating in love with another holds up a gigantic mirror, daring you to stand in the reflection and bearing witness to what is, beauty and scars and all.

I invite and encourage you, as you read, to notice what it brings up in you; feelings, stories…what is it that you instinctively feel resonance with or resistance to. Sit with that, and always come back to a space of curiosity, kindness and non-judgment, especially of your Self. Thank you as always for being here with me, here we go...

It’s uncomfortable. And scary. And vulnerable…

January 2018

It’s uncomfortable. And scary. And vulnerable…So that means, I should definitely do it then, right?

After letting myself get all wrapped up in all the things I can’t control, all the things I don’t have an answer for, and the fear of having my loving, open and vulnerable heart possibly damaged, I was viscerally feeling waves of anxiety and intense energy; a telltale sign that I’m leaving my body and going to that dangerous place up in my head where stories are created in the absence of facts…

Then the words left his lips “I love you Nicolette”. Freeze — dead in my tracks— a warm feeling rushed through me and I couldn’t stop myself from smiling; the world stopped spinning. I felt my weight go back towards the ground. It was not the first time these words had been spoken to me, by him or others before him. His words though, with the weight I could hear and feel behind them, dropped me back into presence, and directly into my heart. I could feel the shift… my nervous system going from stressed, bordering on panicked to relaxed in a matter of seconds. The power of recognition, four words spoken from undeniable Truth and the resulting release in my body, the only way I can explain it is, my body-mind, my intuition, my heart knows Love and Truth when in the presence of it.

Love is everything.

Love is everything. It’s where we begin and end; it is inside and all around us. It is a powerful energy and our direct connection to Source, God, The Universe, [or whatever name resonates deepest with you and your spiritual beliefs]. It is Truth. And right now, it’s specifically challenging me…taunting me even; calling me to walk my talk.

After we ended our conversation that evening, as I brushed my teeth and got in bed, my mind was spinning with questions. Sleep evading me, I opened up my laptop and started recording everything that was coming up in me, without judgment or filtering. The following is where I landed after sorting through that expression…

Let’s start at the beginning…

As I have been on this journey of self-discovery, healing and growth, I have done a lot of reflection, frankly on what the fuck has happened to me, on so many levels, and as I have attempted to document and describe what the transformation I have been experiencing really has been and is, the phrase “coming home” has come up time and time again. When I stepped back and began looking at the process as a whole, a philosophy began to take shape; a summary of the messages I have received that have been most impactful in my growth, that have given me strength and a place to lean on for stability when I was knee deep in the muck, and ultimately are with me as I continue to walk through life, open, and experiencing fully. To live in such a vulnerable way isn’t easy, but it is the way I have found allows me to lead a more fulfilling, authentic and wholehearted experience.

Coming home represents the journey of inward reflection and taking ownership of my healing— body, mind and spirit. It is a representation of the point in time I stopped looking out to the world for my validation and belonging, turned the lens inward, and started digging deeper.

It’s something I can always come back to as the foundation for all else; back to my Truth—back to ME. This isn't something I have had to learn. It is a knowing that has always been inside of me, I just needed to find my way back to it. This is as true for me, as it is for you.

Coming Home

It begins and ends with love [shocking, I know].

Recognizing and truly believing that I am worthy of the love I wish to receive and knowing that I have the ability to fill myself up with this powerful energy, any time, any place; that I am in fact the embodiment of love. This is absolute, the foundation that the rest is built upon; I don’t—you don’t— have to be more or less of anything to be worthy of what we want from this life; we are enough, because we exist.

It is also based on the important and noteworthy fact, that as humans, we are social creatures that rely on each other and as such inherently desire true belonging, authentic connection and love, not just for the good feels it brings, but for our safety and ultimate survival. I know this may seem contradictory to what feels like the reality of our daily experience— the fact that we deeply want to be seen, and known, and connected— since we spend a lot of time keeping others a “safe” distance away from us; through building great big walls of defense, wearing heavy masks and filtering our truth through a lens we think will garner us approval or belonging from the world we interact with. And all the while we are left feeling a lack—never truly feeling deeply connected— with others but really, ourselves.

We’ve been hurt. It’s inevitable in this life. But instead of acknowledging this— allowing ourselves to feel that pain without judgment and with an acceptance that it is a part of the human experience— the way we have learned to cope is generally to employ a defensive strategy, especially when it comes to interpersonal relating. Statements along the lines of “Don’t be too vulnerable” or “show just enough to get their attention, but not too much” run on autopilot in the background or we wait for someone else to make the first move and let their guard down before [or if ever] we let them see our innermost core. It’s a lot of power plays, positioning and egoic strategizing for the best way to maintain control and the upper hand all while still trying to achieve the type of intimacy we crave.

It’s not lost on me, the contradiction of that phrasing: “trying to achieve”. This in and of itself is a roadblock that undermines our ability to deeply connect with other. Intimacy isn’t a task to be achieved and being in control in the way we often defensively attempt does not go hand in hand with truly being intimate with another. You can have [the illusion of] “control” or you can have intimacy.

True intimacy requires vulnerability. And vulnerability requires letting go; a willingness to open and receive love from another and allowing yourself to be seen fully— emotionally, physically and spiritually— naked in all that is you.

We have been taught by conditioning and experience that it will hurt too much, that it is weak or an inadequacy in us when we get hurt. So instead, we armor up and close off our hearts. Someone gets too close and we push away or pull back. Often we are still nursing the injury from the last one… you know that one [or multiple one’s]— the one that was careless with our hearts; those who we feel have abandoned or rejected us. Those wounds that all of a sudden feel fresh, no matter how much time has gone by, when a memory is stirred. So when we feel the discomfort of that kind of vulnerability— that out of control feeling— our nervous system interprets this as danger, and we instinctively pull back, never allowing ourselves to go all in. It’s our choice how we respond to that urge to protect and hide. We can decide whether we will allow our primal protection mechanism to keep us safe and hidden [yet separate] or if we will override it and take the risk of being seen.

From that out of control place, yes, you are exposed, and yes, you could be hurt. It’s a risk, but it is the risk you must take to have that which you desire. It’s up to you to decide whether it’s worth it or not. No right or wrong, but as I said before, true intimacy requires vulnerability. You can’t have it both ways.

There is so much more to this dynamic that I will unpack at a later time, but I’m realizing that no matter how deep I dig into the web of relating, intimacy, polarity, energies and connection; no matter how much I explore the wounds I have carried and the relationships that co-created or re-opened those wounds; I always find my way back to the starting point, which is love and self. My relationship with my Self and my Love. So whenever I talk about ‘Coming Home’, I am talking about the shifts that must occur on the inside for sustainable change and true healing to be possible.

Your outer world is a direct reflection of your inner environment, which is exactly why being with, embracing and reconnecting to yourself is so damn important. It is vital for each of us to find a sense of alignment, trust and safety within ourselves before we can fully embrace and receive others and have the types of deep connection we are truly capable of, desire, and deserve. This is what Coming Home is all about.

So, again, it starts with an absolute— I am worthy of love, authentic connection and true belonging. I don’t have to be more or less of anything to be worthy of what I want from this life; I am enough, because I exist— and from this absolute ‘Coming Home’ goes like this:

If I believe I am worthy of love, then I can believe I am worthy of trust; I am trustworthy.

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If I believe I am trustworthy, then I can listen to and honor my intuition; I can fine tune this powerful gift that I possess to discern what it is that I feel, that I desire, that I need and/or what is not serving me and act based on that sacred knowledge that is available for me.

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If I am in full trust and acting from a place of love, based on my intuition, then I will be living in my truth.

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When I am living in my truth, from a place of love and acting from trust, then not only will I be able to experience authentic connection with other like hearted individuals that cross my path, but I will also be more resilient in the face of rejection, disappointment and pain;

I will have a deep knowing and sense of strength and belonging that comes from being in alignment with my individual truth. I can accept that what is, is exactly as it is meant to be.

LOVE ↠ TRUST ↠ TRUTH

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△ ACCEPTANCE

△ AUTHENTIC CONNECTION

△ RESILIENCE

So, operating from the belief that we are worthy of love—just because we are, not because we have to do something first— we can begin moving in life as though we are on purpose. We can trust and listen to our intuition as a practice. We are able to show up fully and allow ourselves to be seen and experienced in our truth.

And before you say to me, “I don’t love myself, so how does this apply to me?” I am going to lovingly call bullshit. You may not be able to feel that love at the moment, but it’s there. I promise you. How do I know this? Because all of the coping mechanisms, armor and defensive strategies you employ every day, is your primal instinct to protect yourself. It is a means to keep you safe, to keep you alive. If you didn’t love yourself, you wouldn’t fight so damn hard to stay alive and be in the position you are in right now. You have found a way to survive this world, and you are still here, so in my book, that’s a testament to your love of Self. You don’t have to take my word for it, in fact, I invite and encourage you to sit with this idea and reflect, this is just what I believe to be true.

Love begets trust, and trust begets truth. When these are all in alignment, you can stand your ground, with a soft, open front and fully receive others. And, because you are present and open to receiving, you have the ability to discern what energy those you share space with are coming from. It becomes much easier to feel the authenticity of others when we are willing and able to be present with Self, in this depth of trust and alignment; when we can accept and be comfortable with our own vulnerability. This is a vital piece of this process, so I’ll say it again… willing and able to be present to our own vulnerability.

And again, it starts with love; loving self, trusting intuition, and being courageous enough to put down the armor and masks, stories and fear, and show up in the vulnerability of our humanity— our truth. We have to be willing to take that step without any guarantee that others will meet us there. It’s a leap of faith—otherwise known as trust—to step, often without knowing what the outcome will be, but how we choose to show up is what allows us to attract and be attracted to those who are doing the same and gives us the ability to see them clearly. From this place, all the mucky stuff— stories, fears, projections— are out of the way and not distracting us from being present to what is.

This is a practice.

And like training a muscle, every time I meet resistance and lean into the discomfort of vulnerability, trusting even, and especially when, there may not be facts or concrete evidence, it strengthens and reinforces my trust in my own ability to discern real danger from discomfort, to decide when to lean into the discomfort and trust that I’ll be ok despite any outside reaction, and ultimately allowing me to have the authentic connection that I desire and need for my fulfillment in this life. This is something I believe we all want on some level but many don’t know how to get to it or don’t believe it’s for them. With all of that being said, I will invite you to reflect for a moment on this question:

How often are you holding back your full expression of truth because you are afraid of being misunderstood, rejected, or abandoned if you actually allow someone to see the real, unfiltered YOU?

Vulnerability

As I mentioned earlier, we hold people at arms length because so often we are uncomfortable with and downright afraid of our vulnerability. We carry wounds from our life experience that makes it feel too dangerous. We are taught societally that vulnerability is weakness. Vulnerability leaves you exposed, for sure, but it is one of the ultimate acts of courage and it takes a willingness to lean into discomfort and allow your Self to be fully seen, even and especially those parts that are most uncomfortable. It is a courageous act to show to others, those deepest and perceived darkest (or lightest) aspects of you. And you know what else it is? Liberating! To be seen and known for exactly who I am and feeling confident and grounded standing in that, is one of the most amazing feelings I have experienced in this life. When I’m in my truth—fully in my truth—it doesn’t matter how I’m received or if someone agrees, or disagrees, because it’s my truth.

And when you aren’t willing to do that, not only are you not fully in your truth, but also, do you really expect others to open to you? Do you really expect them to show you their truth; to trust you with that piece of themselves?

This is what I know, when I started pouring love into myself and allowing myself to be seen for exactly who it is that I am, all of a sudden people started seeing me. I felt accepted in a way, I experienced belonging in a way, that I never experienced before in my life.

So I know how scary that feels, to take that leap, to allow yourself to be seen. But what I know for a fact, from my experience, is that I feel more connected to the world around me, the more I have the courage to show myself to the world and allow others to see me in my truth. As I said before, It always comes back to love and relationship with self. This is the way home…

Love.

Trust.

Truth.

These are the pillars of wholehearted living; the foundation for coming home.

So jumping back to where we began, what does this have to do with him telling me “I love you Nicolette”?