a {whole mood}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

“Losing Billy felt familiar to her, like a gunshot wound that had scarred over but never fully healed. He was a haunting figure— a loner who seemed to barely tolerate anyone around him, her included. With her, he just pretended better.”

-Constance Sayers, “A Witch In Time”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

Let go. Lonely figure on the fringe. Is it him or me? Maybe I just pretend better.

Who were you to me in another time and place? An instant familiarity, a warmth— separate from the southern, late summer humidity and palatable tension amidst a crowded room— that filled the space before you even noticed my presence. Your sun shining on me, though we met in the dark. Wounded boy. Guarded man. How is it I know the location of all your scars?

What is this fated encounter?

Why do you haunt me in the recesses of my heart… two pieces of the same puzzle. Meant to be— but what— I rarely wonder anymore. Whatever is to be, has yet to be unlocked in me. Merging forms coagulating; a weaving of many strands into one presence. I can hardly tell the difference these days, one experience, another lesson. Dark but benevolent forces leading me deeper into the realms of irrational.

“Resigned to the hands of fate. We await her impending beck and call.”*

A fleeting image. A passage in time; destiny crossing our paths over, once again. Soulmates; and barely friends. I wonder, do you fight me in every life or is it just this time around? Unable to sever the tie without bleeding myself dry. Tell me, how does one extract self, from self?

Quite the conundrum. The ever existing tensions between ego and soul. Separate and the same. Perhaps another byproduct—the paradox that is to be human. You are me, and I you. Inextricably linked. Pieces of a whole, passing shadows in the dancing late afternoon light. The golden hour. Where perfect polarities coexist for the briefest of glimpses.

A whole mood.

***

“Perhaps he knew, as I did not, that the Earth was made round so that we would not see too far down the road.”

― Isak Dinesen, “Out of Africa”

Day 27/28 Spent most of this moody August day, curled up in bed, reading a book about reconnecting with characters from past lives, living out the fated dramas; love, loss and deals with the devil. So playing a little bit on the mood of the day— both the weather and this first day of Uranus retrograde in Taurus; feeling into the edges of the nerves that the fiction i’m reading is stepping on. Soul animations, unfinished business, a knowing without being able to see the full picture. Themes playing out but i’m too deep in it to see clearly. One more day in this challenge left, and I had to give myself a pep talk tonight to even open my computer. I’m grateful something came out of me at all, and proud of how I’ve followed through for me.— keeping my word to myself— even if it looks like not finishing until the last moments of the day in question. This is me in process. Moody and procrastinating— with just a little edge of resistance ;).

With gratitude and always LOVE,



*Lyrics from the song ”A Passage in Time” by Dead Can Dance

tender // spaces

waxing crescent moon in libra

in the tender spaces // between waking and sleep.

8x10 pictures projected in my mind // just out of reach.

some anonymous space and time // shadows and light.

balance and scales // much yet to be weighed.

story upon story; I create // [meaning twisted in my mind]. 

strangled by the invisible // [indivisible] threads connecting me to you.

I am you // and you are me.

an imaginary binding? // or unwinding?

[cage door unlocked; never tried] // [a guide that leads me home to you].

a mashup of melodies // ringing in my ears.

unconscious pulling apart yarns stored // deep in the recesses of mind.

working their way to the surface // one frame at a time.

overlapping memories // old patterns die hard.

unavailable; unattainable // just out of reach.

walking out on me in your dreams // your interpretation.

can you handle a hard truth? // or would you prefer a soft lie?

divine sparks // intuitive animation.

the difference between one that sticks // and those that float away.

like a broken limb in the current // gone.

nothing rational // [significance holds no judgment of outcome or experience].

“good” is not a pre-requisite // in the realm of soul.

the experience we are having is // [we agreed to this shit].

so what is the truth amidst the fuzzy?// [mist of vulnerabilities unspoken].

afraid to show the tender beneath // suffocating under the stifling weight of armor.

unconscious patterns // “show me yours and I’ll show you mine”

here in hiding // we all lose.

open and intentional // no more space in my heart for the lies.

awaken from the illusion // trust in the unseen, felt.

it takes courage to stand in // [the tender spaces between waking and sleep].

***

Day 6/28: How is it that we find our way to trust? To the sacredness of our innermost sanctuaries where unconditional love, truth, and our infinite power reside? The truth is in the body. The wisdom and intuition that is there, that has always been there, yet we fear following.

“tender // spaces” is a mashup of little narratives that popped into my consciousness throughout my day today that i’ve attempted to give some form/cohesiveness. I pulled from imagery I saw on the brink of napping, eyes closed and just watching as my mind played this afternoon; through messages exchanged with friends over text and lines in songs I was listening to that caught my attention. Then I filled in the blanks with what has felt like a constant theme and curiosity for me as of late: of soul connections [how they show up, the potential they have to move us; maybe also why?].

[{Brief interlude on “soul connections} I ascribe “soul connections” to those that animate us at a depth that I can only describe as “truth”; for no rational or logical reason [this stuff is not anywhere in the realm of rational] and begin showing up in different forms, in different ways, through different experiences [whether we are conscious or open to them is a factor that influences when/how we experience]. Those that I will '“label” under that category in my experience have similar “markers” to notify me of their presence. There is a feeling I get, a recognition and a sense of ease, no matter what is presenting in their current being— their current level of personal awareness, how much self work they have/have not done; not mater how grounded or chaotic they are— there is a trust and a knowing I feel that I cannot explain. A deep nourishing exhale. A place where I can rest, close my eyes and let go. That feeling of home. That’s what I identify as being in the presence of soul manifested in other. Not to say that those I don’t feel that way with are less significant somehow, but when these particular ones show up, I know to pay attention to the themes, what intensities they are sparking within me as information that always leads me somewhere valuable for my own growth— an invitation for deepening into me. And more often than not, they are intense mirrors that reflect aspects of me back that I had not yet seen, had not been ready to seen or maybe would not be able to see if not in the reflection of their being.

And the more I have let go of the attachment to “what this means” and just follow the breadcrumbs “they” [my intuition'] provide— allowing myself subsequently to be led by soul—i’ve been finding my way to some pretty wild/cool/weird AF things within myself, or experiences that I never would have considered significant or transformative, and definitely not “perfect” as a former version of myself. Not all of these experiences are pleasant or meant to be perpetuated, but I feel they absolutely are here on purpose and to be learned from if I so choose to receive them without judgement or attachment.]

So, in “tender // spaces” what I realize now, in reflection, is that I am exploring the unconscious tug of war we play with ourselves and play out on others when we don’t trust; when we fear and resist holding space for and sharing the vulnerability of our authentic self, how it leads us to hide the best parts of self from not just the world, but more importantly: from ourselves. For when we repress; attempt to manage and control the beautiful messy irrational humanity that resides within us all—yes, that same humanity that the world has tried to convince us is unloveable, wrong, broken, not enough, too much [etc, you get the idea]— then the connections that are meant for us to be experienced for our souls expansion and evolution, become non-starters. Matters of soul are the catalysts for our becoming; we either experience/learn or repeat until completion. And in being present and embodying this physical “human” experience—which is as important an aspect of learning and integration as transcending ego from a spiritual development perspective— when we play defensive maneuvering in matters of love, everybody loses.

At the end of the day, I believe we always have choice, whether we lean into the unknown, dare to experience the things that the rational mind, the ego and fear will say “WTF, this is crazy”, but in that deeper, knowing place— one you may not be practiced at listening to and leading from—you will hear, or better yet feel that “yes” [even if it’s the “uggghhh do I really have to do this” kind of yes]. And in a world, where all we really, truly want is to be seen and known and loved, exactly as we are— the irony is— the only thing keeping us from having the beautiful, soul shaking experiences we are here to live, is the fear of being seen: being exposed in our messy, imperfect all-ness, and maybe even being accepted, receiving love, not despite but because of exactly who it is that we are; that being we were always meant to be.

We have to be willing to explore the edges to awaken from the illusion; must lean in and trust in the unseen, felt. It takes courage to stand in the tender spaces. My invitation as always: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this wild wild west called coming home. Always bring yourself back to a space where curiosity, kindness and non-judgement lead the way, and know: you are worthy, you are enough. And you have EVERYTHING already inside of you that you could ever need. Trust in the perfection that already is you. ❤︎

This concludes day 6 of 28, way more poured out of me than I was expecting when I opened up my laptop, but it feels like what needed to be released that I couldn’t have known before I just leaned into the “I don’t feel like it” and started pulling at threads. Thank you, as always for being here, exploring all the wild and weird human things with me, I am forever grateful for your witnessing me in all my weird and messy humanity ;).

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces. light // dark

***

a {royal} conjunction

Waxing crescent moon in Leo

who am I to say that we met on this day…

as sun and moon collide under the same sign,

a royal conjunction

kings and queens of the celestial jungle

light years away from you and what we were.

for I’m only just now remembering

◇

what are these whispers and curious wanderings,

but a breadcrumb of irrational knowing.

A familiar significance.

I don’t know you, but I know you.

a piece of me wandering this earth outside of self

an out of body experience if you will

invisible threads connected;

devoid of logic or proof;

inextricably tethered.

◇

under this same sky, a divine union was born. 

and though our union is forged amidst the fire of the golden one; 

today it rained and poured;

and I walked.

I thought about you, and me. 

ancient memories 

curiously creating what comes next

soaking in wonder

that space where imagination meets soul.

manifesting history; remembering the future.

A glorious reprieve from the suffocating heat of this midsummer day.

◇

⟪⟨ 𝚜𝚞𝚗 + 𝚖𝚘𝚘𝚗 𝚌𝚘𝚗𝚓𝚞𝚗𝚌𝚝 𝚕𝚎𝚘 ☼☽ weaving together past and future, now. ⟩⟫

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{Day 3 of 28 day moon cycle writing challenge. word play as I explore the edges of the irrational yet felt. letting go of logic and practical and diving into the deep end. karmic lessons; soul contracts; who we were to one another in past lives; memories just beneath the surface.}

Today, like yesterday was a bit of forcing the words to weave themselves into something as my physical body feels quite exhausted.Great things happening in the mundane spaces [day-to-day life], but i’m recognizing quickly that I have to rebuild my stamina and do a better job creating pockets of rest for myself as I step back into holding space with clients, especially if I want to be able to create something every day during this challenge. My intention in documenting how I’m feeling [behind the scenes so to speak] comes from genuine curiosity to see how my internal cycle and the cycle of the moon play off one another or work together, how it affects my flow and creative process. If there are particular times of the day/week where I tap into flow more fluidly; noticing where my edges are, and learning to discern between when it’s time to walk away for a bit vs. when it’s time to lean in and dig a little deeper. Keeping track of how often I want to throw my hands up and say “screw this", i’m not feeling it” [so far i’ve felt that way every one of these three days and a lot of the writing has been happening in the evening, after 5pm]. As always, thanks for journeying with me, have a beautiful evening!

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Artwork from the Morgan-Greer Tarot deck.