i see ghosts // ⁠

𝑤𝑟𝑖𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑎 𝑛𝑒𝑤 {𝙇𝙊𝙑𝙀 } 𝑠𝑡𝑜𝑟𝑦 //

The writing of a new [love] story- requires an excavation of the old.⁠⁠

An uncovering of all that has gone unhealed, all this time. I feel their presence, so close to me. As though the thinly veiled layers of past/present/future has taken up residence using my heart, mind and dreams as the battleground to work out the unresolved, the unrequited, the long shoved away... ⁠⁠

Oh yea, I see ghosts. But not in the way you may think. I see what lies beneath; the presence and remnants of the soul inhabiting the shell. I feel the stories, their pain and uncertainty. I know their struggle as though it is my own. ⁠⁠

In hindsight, it was a dangerous space to be, before I understood what I was: a brief stop on a long and winding journey toward redemption. For I would invite them to come in, sit before my fire and share with me their stories; the troubles and questions lingering on the edges of consciousness; offer companionable silence- much needed and too few and far between-so they may rest easy for a bit. And as we talked, shared space- as they witnessed the truth of me- I sensed the weariness melting away, the armor being removed piece by piece; revealing a clearer version of the truth [the essence of soul already sensed].⁠⁠

In my younger years, and childlike innocence- before I knew- I mistook the purpose of these "chance" encounters and wanted badly for them to stay. Clung to the illusion of intimacy and scraps of affection they provided. You see, they were familiar; I understood them, because I too was a bit of a lonely ship sailing towards some unseen and uncertain shore. A paradox- sure and knowing while also lonely and uncertain. Both seeking and offering refuge, homeless and home base all at once. ⁠⁠

So I held on. Allowed a taking to unfold over and over and over again; asking very little in return. There was a knowing that they needed me- and I needed to be needed. A perfect fit. I suppose on some level I understood the value of my presence, a safe place, a stop along a wild and dangerous path. And in that knowing, I allowed so much to be taken...⁠

I wonder now, how they may still be drawing water from my well, when their cups begin to run dry...remembering the nourishment and warmth of the presence of my love and adoration bestowed upon them as a fond memory- while an unconscious siphoning takes place.

True, honest love opens doors. It unsettles, awakens and unearths what was once buried. What I thought to be long put to bed memories of a life I no longer recognize or identify with are flooding back with a new clarity. From this vantage point, I am able to see a more complete picture; a highlight reel playing- old stories I know i've seen before but now witnessed through a new lens, from new angles. More and more pieces presenting themselves to be fit back together; fragments coming home

A recognition that there are still threads and channels open, tethers left intact, never severed. Turns out, there was a certain comfort despite the absence of physical presence. The fear of being alone, the need to be affirmed by the outside, stronger than my desire to be free...to be whole unto self.

But now it is time. I call back these pieces given out, the room I kept for you to reside within me is no longer available; I close channels still open and invite an individuation to take place- an invitation to step out of my depths into your own authentic power, this source is no longer available to draw from.

⁠The writing of a new [love] story requires an excavation of the old, a reclamation, piece by piece, past/present/future; doors are being opened…

…and yea, 𝗶'𝗺 𝗱𝗲𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗲𝗲𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗴𝗵𝗼𝘀𝘁𝘀...

𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐚𝐩 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐧 // 𝒑𝒆𝒓𝒄𝒆𝒑𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏 + 𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚⁠⁠

⎜The gap between perception and reality.⁠ Cracks I've stepped through time and time again.⁠ A shedding of identities, lives, masks, circumstance, fears and limitations; and in this season, gallons of trauma i'm not even sure is mine ["mine" being a contradictory concept at the moment]. Yet here, in this space is what I feel. Viciously churning sea water, throat burning as another wave throttles me as I struggle to catch my breath. Over and over and over. ⁠⁠

⎜Shades mask a fatigue of ancient proportions- cracks along the edges of eyes. A result of a weary soul and a life only part lived.⁠⁠

⎜Showing in snippets what this world struggles to look directly at: a collection of experiences that if printed and bound, would culminate in a body of work that would read like some never-ending horror show of humanity's darkest and most devious potentials; everywhere, everyday, in every moment. Unconscious perpetration and equally so, intense and violent upholding of [the status quo].⁠

⁠⎜And amidst the carnage lies the paradox: the beauty of this place. Viscerally painful to witness in its unfiltered everything. To take it all in at once requires a stamina earned; nearly unbearable intensity. It's no wonder we struggle to see it. The beauty. It hurts. And we look away while clawing to maintain our place amidst[History on repeat].⁠⁠

⎜You may think you know something when you lay eyes upon another but what you are intuiting is a perception projected onto a reflective surface- an origin story amidst tall tales created about "them". A witnessing of Self through staring in the mirror of other. ⁠

I am you. You are me.

Our stories;

𝒏𝒐 𝒐𝒏𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒄𝒍𝒖𝒅𝒆𝒅 𝒏𝒐𝒓 𝒆𝒙𝒆𝒎𝒑𝒕.

⁠

⎜Humbling lessons amidst the divide attempting to be bridged between divinity and that humane...⁠

⎜Time to get real. ⁠It's all coming to the surface. ⁠Let's finally face it. ⁠So healing may be...⁠

⁠⎜From one human trying to figure it out, to another.⎜I love you. ⁠⎜I see you. ⁠⎜We can do this. ⁠⎜We came here for this. ⁠

𝒎𝒐𝒐𝒏𝒅𝒂𝒚 𝒎𝒖𝒔𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔 ⟁ 𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒌𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒓𝒆𝒇𝒍𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏𝒔 // 𝟸/𝟾/𝟸𝟷⁠

from the journal //

an offering // from LOVE

In the liminal space of winter //

This time for me, never really feels like a time to jump into action as we so often are encouraged to do with the changing of the calendar year. I often feel like any projects I attempt to move forward around the new year, feel forced and often, instead of being inspired, bring up a lot of anxiety and resistance within me. So this year I decided to honor what it was I needed in the moment, and I decided to stay inward, and take inventory; being a witness to what it was my body and energy was asking for, cleansing and clearing what was time to go, calling back pieces that had been fragmented and floating out “there”… going slow and allowing the massive transformation that I could only partially see/feel, but know has taken place over the last year +. Allowing myself some time to integrate and settle into this new state of Self I find myself navigating currently.

In that, I decided to share a reflection with you that I wrote in my journal one day, a few weeks ago that is also now a part of my newest episode on Relentlessly Authentic Radio— so if you prefer to listen, {check it out here}.

[And if you are interested in where this exercise/title came from, read to the end, I explain at the bottom ;)]

an offering // from LOVE

Me: LOVE, what offering is in the highest good, in this moment that I can give, to open me to the act of receiving?

LOVE [answers]: YOU…

Give yourself. dear one, give yourself over to the mysteries. To the unseen. To the felt— whispers, nudges and all you cannot yet feel or see or hear. Your gifts are not “having all the answers” based. Your gifts lie in your capacity to receive, to witness, to process and then respond accordingly, with a trust in the direction you are led. Give attention to the vessel that you receive with. This human experience is limited, but the body you have been given is here to support this mission you were brought here to serve.

Offer a surrender of distraction. Of judgements and limited lens through which you have boxed your creativity and shoved it away to avoid, to stay safe. To survive this cruel world that is lost and misguided.

Surrender your shame for desiring not to do.

Offer your most present being.

Offer to move more slowly, luxuriating in seconds, moment, experiences.

Offer gratitude for the people, and experiences that have been brought to your awareness right now. In this moment. In this season

Offer reverence for everything you have overcome, shed, let go of and called forward on this undressing of soul you’ve been navigating.

Offer awe, for the madness and beauty of all the choices, steps, and perceived missteps that have led you to this moment, this YOU! What the fuck! How wild and amazing that you are exactly you in this moment, during this time, stepping in— more and more everyday— toward exactly what your soul signed up for this go around. You are transformed in ways you cannot yet see, but I know you are starting to feel them, and you are prepared for it. She won’t take you anywhere you are not ready to go.

There of course is more healing, clearing, sorting to do, but where you are right now is ripe— ready to be picked— it only (yes “only”) requires allowance. Opening to the vulnerable acts of intimacy you are leaning into. He is here for you sweet soul. He is here FOR YOU. Let him be here. Let him love you. Your offering is allowance in order to receive the truth and intention and soul aligned purpose of his love, his being. You are still resisting the stability of him— his steadfast belief and knowing. It’s ok, it’s unfamiliar to you. For all you have known is resistance, fighting, uncertainty, wounded and repressed. Allow him to just be here. It’s all he wants and needs from you.

Offer your full self forward, soft front, open heart. It’s the way. And all the questions you have about pleasure, intimacy, relationship will become clear on the other side of that doorway. But you must step through— go inside of the house. I know if feels hard to breathe, like something is missing or not being said, but all will be revealed soon. You must offer you. Step in— cross the threshold. Leave the comfort of your current container [vessel], come in from the cold; all will be revealed to you.

With gratitude, LOVE

***

Where did this reflection come from?

A few things inspired this post. First, I was listening to an episode from the “Roots of Lore” podcast recently, titled “The Omen Days of Wyrd” where the host explored the concept of fate or destiny and the Norns [the keepers of the Wyrd] from Norse mythology; and some of what was discussed was a different take on how to walk into a new year. What stuck out to me was the idea of making an offering— for that act, opens you to the act of receiving; as winter is a time of receiving, an inward time…

This idea of an offering sparked curiosity in me and I pulled on that thread during a reflective writing flow shortly thereafter, asking the question of what my offering should be and I combined this with something I heard from Danielle Caruana on IG, {video linked here}, that I interpreted as a way to process emotions while feeling stuck or being conflicted and seeking an answer to sort whatever is bubbling within, through asking the question to LOVE; and then writing out the response that LOVE provides you. So that is what I did. So what you saw, was what came through when I allowed LOVE to answer on my behalf.

I share this with the invitation for you, if you are in a state of reflection and introspection, as a tool to use when the head tries to take over to create a little space within to hear a truer answer from Soul to guide you on this journey. I hope this message meets you with love and curiosity ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Nicolette

back in my body //

ask and ye shall receive //

I thought it was higher heart + throat/jaw… So I asked LOVE, “what is it that wants to be revealed— in this moment, in the highest good? What is the tension in my higher heart/throat/jaw wanting to show me? And as soon as the words left my mouth, I got a little nudge in the form of a burning feeling in my lower belly, on my right side— seems Sacral didn’t want to be left out of the party tonight— and when I asked “is there something here you want to show me??”, tears immediately sprang to the surface— so yea, I suppose there was something Sacral wanted to express. So, again I asked, this time including sacral into the mix, what it was that wanted to be witnessed, acknowledged and I got :

Conflict.

Ok. So I then asked, “what is the conflict between?”

And I received “Conflict between locking down and opening… and LOVE continued…

“All this potent energy in your belly— your fire— in your higher heart and hara— is stuck. It’s stuck in your hips and your legs and knees, your back and feet. It stayed dormant for as long as it could. To give you time to take care of what needed tending, but now it’s ready to fucking move. You’ve been still, depressing this potent life force energy into every corner—every joint that has felt sluggish or stuck— of your being that you could manage in order to integrate and heal. But now you must honor the warrior energy, the athlete you have always been— a physical presence in this world. You must honor the vessel. Care for this magnificent machine in order to build the resilience and stamina for your next steps. Move the energy.

I know you have much resistance to going here, to going hard, to leaning in— I know how much pain you were in for so long. I know how betrayed you felt, by your body and how so much of the joy you had for moving it got wrapped in memories of being incapacitated every time you finally felt you were getting back into a rhythm.

How disheartening it has been. How there are still lingering memories of arguments with him, the one who tried to control and break your will and with it took a place that was like church— as close to sacred space as you knew at that point— for you and turned it into one more place to be hyper-vigilant of your presence, more aware of the space you took up and who was watching and taking responsibility for that. How it was just easier to walk away than fight. How you left pieces of your integrity behind in those spaces.

And now, there doesn’t feel like a space where you belong; in those places you once occupied, so maybe you just need to create your own. Or cultivate a personal practice. Or do your best to wash away the old narratives and look at it with fresh eyes and an open curiosity. But either way, you need to sweat, move, get into your being and shake loose all the dormant gunk. You have to trust that your body will have your back (literally and figuratively) You don’t have to do anything that leaves you in pain— but you do need to get uncomfortable, lean into the resistance and rebuild your vessel.

It was ok that you stepped away from this tending for the time you did, but it’s time to come back. You can be strong and healthy without being in pain. You deserve— your body deserves— that love. And this is an edge of comfort you once knew so well, yet have shied away from for so many years. It’s time to find your way back, in a new way. Breathe fresh life into, integrate what you have gathered and make it FUN again. Make it empowering and authentic to where you are in this moment. Allow it to meet you in this version of you.

I understand the conflict. You have shed so much of that old being that didn’t serve who you truly were, and your athletic pursuits, your competitive nature, was deeply intertwined with that old, not-true self. The loss of identity you experienced after college, when volleyball was all of a sudden done and the whole scary world lay in front of you, and you without a plan; the grief of how it all ended…and how much of that weight you carried as a burden of responsibility and blame— as though it was in your control [it wasn’t], as though it somehow proved and affirmed that you were never good enough all along [ughh this one still has some stank on it]. I know it led you down paths that hurt. A lot. There was nothing you could have known back then that would have prepared you. And because you didn’t know, you were led even further away from you. But it also led you here. To this moment. To this you. You found your way back.

Had it been comfortable and a neat and tidy straight line, would you be here? Without the tension and the pain and the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that something was terribly wrong… would you have started seeking and found this whole world you never had a clue existed? Would you still have made unbearably hard decisions for the sake of your survival, that uncovered all this knowledge and truth? You know you. That type of existence— the comfortable and easy wouldn’t have required any of this of you. And you know now that this is what you are here for. This work. This excavation…

Dear one, it’s time to come back to you. And for you—for your soul. This requires coming back to and rebuilding your relationship with your body. You have to rebuild the physical to mend the spirit it houses. And I know you’re scared, and that’s ok too. It’s ok.

It’s time to integrate. Whole being. You can do this. Trust. Lean into the spaces that feel good— soul filled spaces. Move, and express, and move some more. You know what to do. Trust. You aren’ t the same lost woman you were all those years ago. Say thank you to her for how she led us here, stumbling and uncertain and fucking shit up along the way. She got us here. Witness and honor her fear and hesitation to going back into those places and let her know, she isn’t alone anymore. It’s time to forgive what needs to be forgiven. It’s time to let go of what no longer serves. It’s time to rewrite the narrative and to carve out time and care for your whole self.

I love you. You can do this. LOVE “

***

Day 2// Same drill as yesterday- tuning into my body and asking what wants some attention and then asking whatever questions came to me, to LOVE , and writing out whatever answer LOVE had to give.

I have to say, tonight surprised me a bit. I have been grappling all week with tension in my upper back and chest [for you Be Activated folks, my SCM points (K27 meridian point for you energy practitioners) has been SPICY AF the past few days] and so when I tuned in this evening I wasn’t surprised to feel those areas, but the other aspects of what came up, and the narrative that LOVE answered me with— caught me totally off guard with the emotion I felt behind it.

I have been aware that it’s time for me to get back to tending to my physical body [after I have been very avoidant the past year and a half or so], and is something I am already starting to consciously step back into, but the other threads, the ones that tied the tension to my sacral area to my higher heart— the grief and unprocessed pain that I apparently packed away for a rainy day— are now coming to collect [and oh hey, it just so happens it’s literally raining as I type these words— haha].

I think why I decided to approach this little writing challenge in this way, specifically incorporating the practice of asking self what wants to be witnessed and asking it questions [out loud for me seems to be far more effective that silently in my head for what it’s worth for anyone who wants to give it a shot], was because on some level, I knew this was the way to unpack that which was hidden from my conscious mind. Pretty fucking cool if you ask me. I thought I was starting this challenge to get my creative juices back on-line, but maybe it’s to support this integration of being that i’m focused on and being calling into in this season. Which in turn, will allow me to focus the channeling of my creative energy, with the stamina needed, to bring forward whatever it is I can feel itching to be let loose. Love it. Not the physical tension— headaches and achy joints aren’t my fave— but I do love that my innate wisdom, the knowledge in my body is literally just ready to give me the answers, that serve in this moment, if i’m just willing to ask. And then listen. And then stay with myself through it [ok so maybe it’s not easy, but kinda annoyingly simple].

Any-who my loves, on that note, i’m going to process this a bit more before I go to bed. Thank you for witnessing me bringing to the surface knots of threads I didn’t even realize were entangled. And if this expression has brought anything up for you, I invite you as always to sit with it, witness it with curiosity and maybe ask LOVE , what it is that it needs from you in the moment, that will serve your highest good. Then just pause, breathe and see what happens. And if you are looking to sort it out in a safe container, please connect with me and I would be honored to hold the space and journey with you.

Be well, sweet dreams and until next time ✌🏼

Much love,

Nicolette

Oh, and PS- as I wrote out the title of this post, it brought a dope-ass-song by Maggie Rogers [link takes you to youtube to listen if you are so inclined] by the same name. Thanks Amanda for kicking this one my way last year/

And all along the highway, there's a tiny whispering sound // Saying I could find you in the dark of any town // But all that I am hearing in the poem of my mind // Are silent twisted words finding their way in every line // This time, I know I'm fighting // This time, I know I'm (Back in my body)…

- Maggie Rogers, “Back In My Body”

uncertainty + allowance //

Day 1 // Some context for this expression [also, there is more at the end]: I’m practicing being more intentional about tuning into my body/spirit/energy and both noticing what is present, that may want to just be witnessed, that may want or need to be shifted or cleared; and also asking these aspects of Self, what they need, what they may be trying to tell me. So the following is a reflection of this exercise in tuning into self, asking what wants attention today and then asking LOVE a question to be answered as a support and writing the response in flow...

Today I tuned in and it was uncertainty in the area of my solar plexus and this is what came up for me…

uncertainty //

I find myself stalling— still half embodying my true and full creative expression. Hesitant to share the depths my inner voice speaks from, in that foreign language— sometimes unfamiliar even to me.

I feel envy— jealous of those I see that put it all out there. Those whose creativity seems as though it cannot be contained. I imagine* them liberated, full and flowing; creations spilling out of them just like the stories I create* about their perceived freedom of being. And when I look in the mirror, the artist— that beautiful liberated being— feels so far from the woman I see staring back at me. She still more often than not, feels stuck, blocked, resistant to letting it all loose…

[*calling out that i’m creating stories based on perception and reminding myself that it is my imagination filling in gaps, and that I don’t really know the truth. One of the most valuable tools I have learned on this journey of self awareness is recognizing that we create all sorts of stories based on our own perceptions, judgements, fear, insecurity, etc and there is no shame in that, but keeping a pulse on the fact that I don’t them to be true is really valuable to separate out the truth from the non…

com·par·i·son //

noun ; 1. a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.

Comparison—a dangerous game. Even when, maybe especially when, comparing where we are now to who we think/feel/know we could be. The gap between the current version of self and the “other” whole/free/real being we haven’t yet stepped fully into [or fear we may never become]. And that gap, while in actuality may only be a simple step, decision, or mindset shift away [or even wilder to consider— maybe we already are!? and just can’t/won’t see it], it can feel like the abysmal void— like being lost in the infinity of deep space with not an ounce of gravity to ground us into something real; leaving us feeling untethered to our true being, indefinitely floating.

There was a video I saw on Instagram a few days ago by @sahdsimone about comparison. A beautiful invitation to redirect perspective in those moments when we feel comparison shame creeping in—that not supportive “imagining” we do— to reframe it to something supportive and inspired by saying out loud [to yourself as though you are speaking to the person you are directing the comparison to]:

“thank you for showing me what is possible. May you be happy.”

I love this! And now as I write it out— I’m wondering how I could use that for the gap between who I perceive [+ where I perceive] myself to be, in this moment, and the feeling I get that i’m still only a fraction of Her fullness?

I suppose it’s as simple as saying to self [+ the vision/imagination of who I am capable of becoming]

“[Vision/imagination]— thank you for showing me what is possible. I am grateful for the inspiration it brings me as I continue to grow/become more myself. I love you.”

Reframing the disappointment, frustration/anxiety/self directed pressure to instead being grateful for the daydreaming— you know, those lofty thoughts and visions of what life could be like if there were no limitations— even if it feels crazy or unattainable. Those thoughts that often times we judge as being escapism from the “reality” of our current lives; that we have been told there is nothing productive in our “heads being in the clouds” and to “come back down to earth”{fuck that shit— seriously}— these are precious gifts that can be harnessed if we give them the space and reverence to be; to take root and blossom.

The reason we negate them or allow them to spin us into anxiety [oh hey there, it’s me], is because to open ourselves up to the possibility for something so big, different, uncertain— that’s fucking vulnerable. And it is for sure safer to our ego to be “realistic”. In fact, i’ve been stamping out my capacity to vision and imagine a life I truly desire and want to build for most of my life, in the name of being realistic. And it’s a habit i’m working diligently to break, because I know in my bones, that on the other side of my fear, what comes up in my imagination is the way to the life I came here to live fully.

Is it scary and uncomfortable? Yes. Is it hard to stay in trust some days? Absolutely. It’s why i’m still grappling with this shit. And I also know, that it’s just now my time to break these particular limiting beliefs so I can step into the next, truest version of me. The timing in perfect in my unfolding, as is yours.

So, thank you Soul, Heart, Love, [ME], for allowing me to see what I am in the process of creating [yes, creating— just by visioning]. I can be happy in this moment and excited for where I am moving; how i’m growing. Even when I can’t quite see the fully formed shape of what that looks like, maybe especially when I can’t see— just another invitation to trust in the unfolding...

allowance //

So when I ask LOVE “how do I shift this uncertainty sitting in my solar plexus?” [related to this season of my being and where I am headed next, the aspects of self that still feel trapped— that I am feeling impatience around— and what it will take to release them].

LOVE whispers gently back to me:

“Allowance. Allow yourself to be cared for. Nourished. To move slow, or fast. To sleep. And read. And daydream. To get lost in nature. To make love a meditation and making love a practice in liberation. Speak often and true. Share musings and stray thoughts. One moment, one sliver of awareness at a time… “

allowance.

I am the steward and architect of my life, in co-creation with the divinity of Soul and the agreements I made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through my veins.

[And as within, so without— you are the steward and architect of your life, in co-creation/collaboration with the divinity of Soul and the agreements you made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through your veins.]

And so it is…

***

day 1 // I’m back at it again. I have been feeling stalled in not only my creativity but also in my expression, so i’m back again with another writing challenge to myself. I’m starting with a month of blog posts based on reflective writing exercises, where I am tuning into self, asking “what is asking to be noticed, explored” and seeing what comes up. I have no idea what will come up this go around, but that’s part of the fun, I think ;). I’m sharing here as a place to record and hold myself accountable to this exploration of self, and also as an offering to you; an invitation for you to do your own exploration or possibly find resonance in the specific aspects/themes I happen to be exploring any given day. Thank you for being here with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Nicolette

kind of {currency}

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

What if, tomorrow, everything changed, and money ceased to have any value— as in, it could no longer buy you anything—couldn’t get you anything— power, access, resources…

…and the new “currency” would be:

the depth of your presence;

the quality of your hugs;

the warmth and love that you meet people with; how you bring them in and hold space and witness them in their fullness;

how well you served your community;

how well you cared for the sacred vessel that is your body…

What if that became what made you wealthy? That’s what allowed you the lifestyle that you desire and ensured that you always had access to food and shelter and whatever else needed to survive and thrive?

What if that new currency created what would be defined as abundance in your life; if it were what the world at large determined to be the most valuable aspects of a person? [if we are going to imagine we are maintaining a hierarchy of human value in this new paradigm, of course.]

What would your net worth be?

And if the value of money were to disappear overnight, stopped being something that we used in exchange for what we want and need, would everything that you’ve been working towards still be worth it?

[The time, effort, energy that you’ve put into building, growing and saving for the vision you hold of the future. All you’ve sacrificed and compromised on— in the present— to get to that place where money is no longer something you have to think about or a barrier to the life you want to live.]

If it stopped being relevant tomorrow, how would you feel about the life you are currently living?

Would you feel like you’ve been wasting your time? Or would you still feel that what and where you’ve been spending your time, effort, and energy— what you’ve been working so hard to build [for the future]— still held value to you?

I’m curious— as a collective society— how many of us are doing something that is deeply meaningful to us. That holds intrinsic value, not just because it gives us the opportunity now [or potentially in the future] to have access to things like resources, shelter, food, or a certain coveted lifestyle, but because it feels in service in a way that is authentic to our soul. In other words it has a juice— an energy to it— that makes it significant outside of the monetary exchange…

And I think on that same thread, it’s important to question individually, what we currently hold in higher regard: assets or humanity?

Pretend for a moment, that you are already living the values of this new, imaginary society where how we show up for self and other— the humanity of it all— matters more than how much money we make and what it can buy us…

Based on the above questions posed, do you have a fulfilling and abundant life [again, without money as the deciding factor]? If not, I invite you to consider the possibility that if money were to simply become worthless [I know it’s not “simply” but we are playing in our imaginations right now— stay with me] would what you’re doing right now and the expense of it — the affect it has on your physical, mental, spiritual health and well being; how it impacts your relationships— the sacrifices, the compromises—would those expenditures still be worth the cost to you?

***

We humans like the illusion of control as a comfort from the reality that things can change in an instant. We are living that reality right now [currently August of 2020]. To a large degree, the outcome of any endeavor is out of our control. If this year has reminded us of anything, it’s how little control we truly have and how many unknowns there are in this life. We control how we show up and how we react. So if everything you have received in exchange for your actions in the past[the outcome], suddenly became worthless, would the journey [the effort]— the exchange of your most finite resources [time and energy]— still have been worth it to you?

If not, I would urge you to consider where you would be left, if everything we have valued as a society were to change overnight. It’s not as far off an idea as we would have considered 6 months ago, now is it? And if that notion scares the shit out of you— it may be worthwhile to take a deeper look at what you are motivated by today, and if that is in alignment with the truth that exists within you vs. something you have bought into [pun intended] that holds little to no true value within.

This moment is literally all we have. More now than ever it feels important to go within to consider what really matters, so that when things do change, you are already showing up from an empowered and authentic space— able to adapt in a world where the only absolute is that things change— instead of feeling dragged around by all that is out of your control.

I know it doesn’t seem likely to occur, and it really doesn’t matter if it does or not. I'm just inviting you to consider how you would respond if everything were flipped upside down [as if they haven’t been already]; if your entire life was built upon the idea of a future self, without any real grounding in who it is you are today, and why it is you do what you do— how would you respond to such a huge paradigm shift? Maybe this is something you’ve already been grappling with over these last few months— maybe this is the first time this has come into your consciousness to consider. Either way, empowerment is an inside job. The outside world will always dictate who and how you should be for their convenience or agendas, but it can’t give you something that you already have within. And only you know the truth of what your purpose is here in this life.

The value of money doesn’t have to become obsolete in order to shift the way we value and show up for humanity—how we show up for ourselves— today.

This is how we reconnect to the power that has always been within. And frankly, become better humans living amongst other humans. So the invitation here: be more intentional about how we are showing up for the present moments that we have, because who knows what tomorrow will bring ;).

***

Day 25/28 : Lots of questions stemmed from a stray thought while eating lunch…I think about the phrase “if money were no object” as an exercise in visioning the future I want to create, and it struck me today that instead of looking at it from the lens that I have so much money it were no barrier, but instead, thought— what if it just weren’t the bartering system any longer that gave me access to things like food, a roof over my head, a car that I can put gas in and drive where I need to go… but if there was something totally different [i’m on a “what an entirely new world could look like” kinda vibe these past few days]. I’m not naive enough to believe that money [at least in my lifetime] would ever be deemed worthless, but I think my hope on some level is that we begin to re-evaluate what really matters, defining value for a more holistic and intrinsic space— each one of us individually being more tuned in with what is most valuable to us, and begin to shift and become a bit more intentional about how live in service to those values. Money is an energy, its a commodity that we have given value, and there is nothing wrong with that, except for when we prioritize it over the inherent value of a human being, or live out of alignment with our unique truth and purpose because it doesn’t make us enough money…Or worse, we determine the value a human based on how much money that have [this includes ourselves]. We have linked abundance to money and in that, have lost sight of the fact that abundance comes in so many shapes and sizes and experiences, if we could give ourselves the space to be here NOW and pay attention to what lights us up—what gives us that warm and fuzzy feeling of being deeply connected to something greater than ourselves; if we could begin to, as a society give that more priority it could transform the way we relate to the world —and most importantly, how we care for and show up for one another.

Where I hope we move toward: More value on humanity, quality of relationships, authentic service coming from a place of love and truth. Less greed, and competition and fear about going without. Creating systems and structures that provide access to the resources that each of us needs to survive, so that we can all begin to show up from an authentic place of service, and give our unique gifts to the world— instead of most of us being in perpetual survival mode.

I wonder how we would relate to one another and how it would shift our mental and physical health. To be seen, and appreciated for our humanness and not the size of our bank account and who “we know”. To not have to hustle or strive or damn near kill ourselves in order to be able to pay rent, or have access to nourishing food and clean water. To not feel shame or selfish for honoring self, and the natural rhythms and cycles of our being— prioritizing the care of this sacred vessel that is our body, which holds that which is infinite and inextricably connects us to all: soul. If we valued the quality of a person based on how they treat other people more so than how much money/influence/access they have, I wonder how different this world would be.

As always, thank you for sticking it out here with me! I would love to hear your thoughts on what came up for you during this reflection. What kind of world would you create if you could?

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{built} for this

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

“But I think she weeps also because she was given a transmission that she realizes now the disciples are not able to receive. It’s a teaching that she can uniquely give to them, precisely because their whole world order and idea of power would have to shift in order to receive it. “

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

shifting power for a new world order

with and for, no more power over.

we cannot dismantle only to rebuild on the same faulty foundations

yet, dismantle we must.

tear it down; burn it to the ground

clearing space for an ancient kind of new

creation from places unseen

just out of sight

a different sort of vision required;

2020; the beginning; the end

☿

alchemy;

transmuting base metals into gold.

trust to take the lead

an uncharted gnosis; in our bones

singing its siren song

from the depths; rising

in many ways, a merging.

Bringing back a balance never before seen

consciousness meeting soul

divine melding with the mundane

masculine holding feminine

as above, so below

whole

holy

♀︎

change is painful.

death, inevitable.

we were built for this.

we were brought here for this

***

Day 24/28: We must shift the current paradigm and ideas of power in order to receive this new world that is waiting for us; change is painful; death, inevitable; we were built for this; we were brought here for this; it’s time.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

i’m tired.

Waning Gibbous Moon in Taurus

My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces…

I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart.

And I can’t keep pretending that i’m not absolutely fucking exhausted about the way things are and have been for far too long.

Because I know you were taught the same bullshit that I was.

I know it doesn’t serve any of us

I know it’s not your fault.

And I know you aren’t helpless— you can do better.

I’m not here to beat up on you. Or to talk down to you.

You are so much more than that.

I want to call you up to your full capacity.

It doesn’t do you or the world any service to pretend that it’s just the way it is and as though you aren’t capable of being more, of being a whole being.

Nor does it do the world a service for me to stay small or quiet for your comfort; to be less of me so you don’t feel insecure or inferior.

I want to meet you in your fullness. Not this half version we are all so familiar with.

And it’s your choice to embrace that or not; it’s your choice whether you want to be met. And…

I’m tired.

***

I’m tired of being told that the clothes that I wear; that the body I walk this earth in, is a distraction. That my making eye contact or being friendly is an invitation for your unwanted advances. That you can’t see past what it is you desire to see how uncomfortable I am.

I’m tired of having to play traffic cop and have my guard up. Of your sense of entitlement and expectation of how I show up for you.

I’m tired of being verbally assaulted for not leaning into your advances.

I’m tired of you leaning in, only to run away the second it feels like you may have to take responsibility and show some discipline.

I’m tired of being demonized or treated as something to be resisted and kept at arms length because you are too afraid to touch your own vulnerability and the mirror of mine is too much to stand in for you.

I’m tired of being fought. Of being accused of trying to control you because you feel out of control; because you need the control and without it you don’t know how to swim in the uncertainty that is life.

I’m tired of your suspicions about my ulterior motives when I speak directly and openly about what I want; about me being empowered in my sense of self; in my sexuality; in my boundaries, that I set, not to keep you out, but because they are in alignment with my integrity and allow me to rest in a space with you, open to you— to pour into you. [Isn’t that what you want— to be given to and received— in love?]

And it’s not all about you. I know you aren’t familiar with that concept. But i’m not here, spending my time and energy thinking of all the ways I can trick you. When I say I want honesty, it means I want honesty. When I state something clearly about what I want, I mean it. It’s not a trick or a trap i’m setting. If you don’t want the same thing, it’s really ok. Even if my feelings get hurt in the process. Not everyone is going to be a good fit. And I can manage my feelings. I can hold space for pain and disappointment. And I can survive it. So can you, if you were willing to give it a shot. And it’s ok if you don’t want to do that either, just don’t pretend you do to save face and then run and hide when faced with the opportunity.

[And to be clear: it isn’t about you protecting my feelings when you avoid telling the hard truth’s— thats about your discomfort in standing in and communicating that truth. It doesn’t make you valiant or kind, it makes you a coward.]

I only want truth. Not the story you think I want to hear. I want your truth. I want to know what it is you really want. I want to know you. Including the messy and uncertain parts.

[And for the record, I know when you aren’t being honest. I can’t explain how I know, but I know. Often times, you may not even realize you aren’t being honest, because you aren’t used to even telling yourself the truth. And I have compassion for the journey it takes to get to the truth beneath the stories we have picked up and tell ourselves in order to fit in this world.]

I see you. I truly understand and I’m not judging you.

And i’m so tired. Of walking on eggshells around your fragile ego. It’s one thing to be shaky standing in the discomfort of uncharted territory. But it’s a whole different vibe when you have the nerve to try to manage and control me for your own comfort and then talk about my emotions being a weakness or too much; when you twist my words or when you dismiss or reject my experience because you can’t handle witnessing the raw and unfiltered delivery of it.

[We don’t live an entire life without going through painful experiences, and I don’t need you to take on the weight of mine. I just need you to hold space for and witness when it comes up. The life we live inevitably shapes who we are— for better or for worse— and how we show up to things like relationship, friendship, sex, intimacy. That’s life.]

I’m tired of you projecting your inability to connect with your own emotions onto me and acting like you are doing something to protect me. It’s just another way to protect the ego that needs a damsel in distress to save; when you don’t know your value outside of providing or fixing.

I don’t need you to save me, I need you to show up. To stand in and for your truth. I need you to realize how sacred your space is and honor that first and foremost. And if you say you want me, I need you to meet me in mine and not feel afraid because I don’t need you to save or fix me. My not being helpless is not a threat to your “manhood” whatever that even actually means…

[But, it does seem to make you uncomfortable— stating that my needs matter too. That my pleasure isn’t about your ego. It’s not about some outcome you can pat yourself on the back about as you replay it in your mind. It’s not even about an outcome. It’s about the journey. It’s about connecting. Not a transaction. It’s about experiencing and flowing and deepening and enjoying the freedom that exists in that safe and delicious space. It’s not about pushing the right buttons to complete the next level. My body isn’t something to be played and achieved with a score attached to it at the end. And if you weren’t present enough to the moment that you don’t know if I came, don’t fucking ask me, please— just don’t do it.]

I’m tired of being misunderstood.

I’m tired of being held at arms length.

Tired of you walking into my space for your own desires without any intention of truly meeting me.

I’m tired of transactions.

[I want depth. Intimacy. Relationship. And I want a type of relationship that isn’t cookie cutter or the standard. I want to create a relationship built on trust and truth and freedom and unconditional love. Where two people are choosing the life they want to create; together.]

And i’m tired of being accused of anything less than that.

I’m tired of being pinned to the wall when i’m anything less than perfect.

[I am a human being. And I don’t know everything. I make mistakes and I own up to my mistakes. I do my best to learn and do better. And I hold space for that in you as well. I receive you in all of your humanity. Can you—will you— meet me in mine?]

I’m tired of having these narratives run through my head.

I’m tired of these cycles that sweep through me and knock me on my ass, where I am so angry and resentful toward the men I have encountered or witnessed throughout my life that have treated me [and others] as a transaction or a conquest; who couldn’t see or meet me and how that effected how I showed up in the world.

And i’m tired of feeling resentful or angry that I let it. That I changed me for their comfort or a false sense of belonging and conditional love. And I also know that if I keep dancing around it or keeping it trapped inside of me, it cannot be transmuted into any sort of inspired action; into any real change or growth. So as uncomfortable as this all makes me, and likely makes you...there it is.

I’m tired.

***

Day 22/28: I’ll tell you what. I really didn’t want to write [or publish] this. This topic brings up a lot of instinctual resistance within me. It’s feels like a dangerous place where i’m about to be swatted down. But it’s been what is coursing through me the past few days [and the past few years frankly] and what came out when I first sat down to write. And I tried to write something else, but came back to this instead, so yea…. here we are.

I don’t want to project or blame. There is too much of that going on in this world and that’s not my aim nor what I want to contribute to the conversation because I don’t think it’s particularly productive in opening lines of communication or in building relationships. But i’m really tired. And there is some swirling energy in the ether that is bringing up a lot of wounding around the historical mistreatment— the violence, abuse, rejection and fear— of women, including myself. I want to be able to frame this conversation in an inviting way. And this is one of those uncomfortable ones. This is my truth and it’s all I have in me today. So again, i’m not writing this to blame or shame anyone who may be reading this and finds themselves taking offense. If you want to do so, that’s your choice, but I would always instead invite some curiosity and reflection into the areas that bring up resistance. And if it doesn’t apply to you, then it’s not about you.

And i’m not overlooking or bypassing that men suffer as well, as do many other segments of the population that I happen to not fall into the category of; this is just what is in me today, coming from my white, cisgender, hetero, white female perspective. And with that disclaimer, this is where I will call it for the evening. If anyone has anything they would like to discuss in relation to anything i’ve written, my door is open as long as you walk in it with an open, curious and respectful way. We can have hard conversations with love.

Sending so much love to anyone else feeling some of these wild vibes today, or over the last few days for that matter [or the whole of this year if that’s where you are]. And for clarity sake, by vibes, I mean “fuck the patriarchy, let’s burn it all down'“ vibes.— that’s just where i’m at]. If you are feeling some other sort of vibes, I’m sending you love and an encouragement to hold space for whatever is there— we may just be in different head/heart spaces ;). Regardless and always, I appreciate you being here on the journey with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,



{i went to sleep}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries {still}

 i went to sleep //

and woke up next to you

messy hair and morning breath 

limbs intertwined

bare skin; soft 

you whispered good morning  

pulled me in close, like you always do

kissed my neck

ran your hand down the side of my body 

as awakened eyes met 

and for just a moment

time stood still

just the two of us

A familiar feeling

wrapped in love

nowhere to be

nothing to do

the sweetest pause...

// and then I woke up.

{maybe one day we’ll meet again // somewhere other than in my dreams}

***

Day 21/28: This Aries moon + Venus in Cancer has got me feelin’ some sort of way these past few days. Emo love songs about distant love, heart literally aching and tears making their way out periodically when a certain song comes on, or lyric hits a nerve; day dreaming about love and connection those that came before, the ones i’m calling in; watching Netflix rom-coms. And what I don’t like acknowledging but will for sake of transparency— I don’t often feel lonely, but I’m feeling the craving to have a man in my presence, someone that I have an intimacy and trust with, that I can just snuggle up with and exist in the same space. I miss being held and touched [again, thanks Venus in Cancer for these vibes *insert eye roll here *]. So today, i’m just going to keep it short and sweet, and spend the rest of my evening enjoying being in this beautiful little hearth space that is my apartment, around my plant babies that all got new outfits today [translation: they got potted in pretty ceramics], watching more Netflix rom-coms. Love and extra tight distance air hugs to anyone who is feelin’ the— longing to be witnessed and embraced— sort of feeling. You’re not alone.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

who I want to {be}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

Today, I woke up. I had coffee. I moved some heavy furniture I’ve been putting off moving for 9 months, down a narrow staircase, and into a very small cellar [like 4 1/2 foot ceiling and loads of spiderwebs in a 100+ year old house kind of cellar] and may have escaped without doing any real damage to my back [winning]. PS: in case you were wondering—I’m out of shape and was reminded that my body could use a little resistance training for #lifestuff like picking up heavy things and not throwing out my back. But on the plus side, there is more room for activities in my apartment now [yay!]. I had a friend gracious enough to wake up and help me move said heavy furniture into the small space, and he also escaped [as far as i know] without anything more than hitting his head once [also winning].

And then we had a good long talk over delicious iced coffee [cups number two and three for the day]. We talked about inner journey vs. outer world. About duality and paradox of being human. About what the fuck is happening in the world right now and where we go from here. We agreed and disagreed and often said a lot of the same things in our own unique language and tried to bridge gaps. And then when both our brains had enough of the mental gymnastics, I went home. Showered the dried sweat [again from moving said furniture in a humid-ass Virginia summer day], ordered Thai food from my fave local spot and inhaled some Pad Thai. It was delicious. Then I watched “The Kissing Booth 2” on Netflix [feel free to judge me if you want] and I proceeded to cry my eyes out. Not quite sure what that was about, but it unlocked something. And then I spent the last two hours listening to moody EMO music, singing at the top of my lungs, complete with more crying [something is moving from the inside trying to escape, what, is still TBD].

I’m writing this, because, well, the writing challenge I committed to, and since I still can’t seem to pull any threads down to earth and into creation, instead i’m writing out the mundane and extraordinary of my day. I’m sure a silly movie about teen love and conflict about the future affected me the way it did for a reason. The why, also TBD. I will say, there were some stealth little life lessons thrown into it, which I always appreciate about these movies.

One part that jumped out at me, was the main character narrating on the question she had for a college essay [would it even be one of these movies without some profound college essay needing to be written??] that she re-worked from “where do you want to be in 5 years” to “who do you want to be”. And as she broke down the qualities of the people she loves the most, one from each of them that in combination she hopes she can be, [which was really heartwarming— yes i’m a sucker for the feels]I couldn’t help but be moved by that question. Who is it that I want to be in 5 years? Or for my reflection sake, who is it that I want to be now; how is it that I want to show up in the world? And since this is what came to me in this moment, writing about my mundane day and random energy releases [tears and singing and general emo vibes], lets do this:

Who do I want to be?

I want to be

a feeling that lingers;

a blanket wrapped around your shoulders on a late autumn afternoon

the sun that gently kisses your cheek

warm and inviting; a moment of pure presence

an always too tight hug,

a breathe of fresh air;

a truth you can’t explain, but know;

a reprieve from the suffocation of the boxes and expectations

*

I want to be

the love that most would consider reckless, [but really is just free];

pleasure and presence embodied;

an example of radical acceptance;

an expression of relentless authenticity;

the one you pull in close

who meets your gaze and doesn’t look away;

and even when you have to go—

the home you always return to.

I want to;

always have the courage to keep moving forward,

with all of my idealism and belief in what can be—

if we choose love, always

to be a reminder

of what humanity in action looks like

[often ridiculous, sorta messy, and also graceful in new and undefined ways]

that we can always lean in and love a little more.

that pain can be a beautiful teacher

and the only deeper grief than heartbreak,

is never being seen, never allowing ourselves to be known;

I want to be an example;

of what living looks like;

a resilient kind of hope;

one of the crazy ones;

unapologetically steeped in truth.

I want to be one that leaves others better than I found them.

That sees the good [the god] in all;

and never loses sight of why it is that we are here.

***

Day 20/28: Lion’s Gate Portal peak today [8/8]. All sorts of wild stuff floating in the ether. This one was a roundabout way of saying— Love and connection is all that I am, and all that I hope to ever be. Also it feels important to note—Leo Season Status: Whooping My Ass. Anyone else out there feeling wrung through the emotional washing machine? It feels like my heart is calling so much to the surface. Venus moving into Cancer yesterday, adding a little extra spice into the mix. There are lessons to be learned, pieces that inevitably will fall into place, but it’s still not yet time. For now, i’ll just keep witnessing the synchronicities, intuitive pulls; reflect on my weird ass dreams and funny messages I receive in all sorts of forms. Patience. Extraordinary in the mundane. Sending love if you are feeling like a walking contradiction this week [or always— I see you]. Thank you for being here with me, especially if you stuck through reading about my Saturday while I tried to figure out what the hell to write about. Until next time ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,