A W E N

First Quarter Moon in Scorpio

“Awen is the thread that connects us to that life force. When we connect in good relationship to the world around us, those threads shimmer with awen, with inspiration. We know that we are a part of the web, wholly and utterly connected. When we feel that connection with other beings, soul to soul, and our sense of self lessens, we are inspired by that connection. We then think of ourselves less, and our perception opens out to a wider perspective on the world, one that is more inclusive rather than just our own self-centred point of view. We become a thread in the web… Awen helps us to see beyond ourselves, and perhaps paradoxically to allow us to see ourselves in everything.”

-Joanna van der Hoeven via: http://torstone.org/featured-articles/the-awen

***

Yesterday I was triggered emotionally during a challenging conversation with a person that I care very deeply for. [check out yesterday’s post if you want some background]

And last night, I processed and did my best to just allow whatever emotions to be there and move their way around and out [emotions, after all, are just energy that want to move]. I was a witness to the stories I was creating [that were doing their best to pull me away from me]; the projections of blame or the ways in which I was misunderstood or rejected— how it couldn’t have been my fault or it was all my fault [I tend to swing between those extremes for a bit before I can find the balance point of truth]. And then I went to bed, tired and a bit emotionally spent after a few good, intense cries. I didn’t judge it, I didn’t force a resolution to it. I just let it be and move.

And then, I woke up this morning, on this watery Scorpio first quarter moon, day three of my cycle, feeling more in my body than I had been in weeks. The intense release catalyzed by a challenging situation dropped me right into the space that was created by allowing that big energy to move.

I went about my day, had a good laugh and chat with my friend/badass barista/inspiring creative/all around awesome human at my local coffee shop and had a slow and gentle day [this was my day off after a weekend of client work]. I drank my coffee, enjoying every delicious bite of the protein brownie that I ordered with my too many shots of espresso. I read a book i’ve been slowly picking my way through and allowed a powerful story to move me to tears [yes in public] and at the crescendo of the story, “River” by Leon Bridges came on my Spotify playlist— and I allowed myself to pause, close my eyes and allow the lyrics and the melody to sweep me along as I physically swayed to the rhythm. I came home to a surprise gift on my doorstep, sent by my dear sweet sister, Natalie, and upon opening it was moved to more tears of unfiltered gratitude for such a generous gesture.

This was a pleasurable day for me. Tuned into the subtleties of my internal tempo. Responding to the world around me from an embodied, open and loving space. Catalyzed by an intense and uncomfortable conversation and subsequent “negative” emotions that sparked an intense emotional response. I slowed down and allowed myself to be done—allowed my day to flow instead of manically doing to avoid feeling.

And because I was open to lean into a challenging conversation—because I was able to hold space for sadness and feelings of anger and rejection to be and move through me— I created space for more love, more joy, more sensitivity to subtle beauty in my present environment to flood into my awareness and ignite my senses in a simple and delicious way. Sweet beautiful contrast.

This is living intentionally, in loving relationship: with myself and the world around me.

I share this in an attempt to paint a picture of what becomes possible, what depths of being we have the capacity to access, when we allow ourselves the space, of curiosity, non-judgement and radical honesty to witness the all-ness of our humanity.

It is a spectrum. One most of us were taught was dangerous to swing to the edges of. One we fight, repress and reject in our attempts to be “right” and “good” [which at the core is the instinctive desire to be safe, being the social creatures we are— and is a hindrance to our being fully expansive beings].

Do I like having challenging conversations with loved ones? No.

But do I think they are bad or wrong or regret them? No.

Because even when I don’t show up in my highest capacity, even when i’m reactive and not present; when I allow fear to run the show for just long enough to wince at what comes out of my mouth, or when I want to lose my shit on someone who I both love dearly and want to throttle some days— I am now at a point in my life where I can accept my humanity for what it is: imperfect, intense, often times irrational. And my emotional states are all a part of a greater cycle that are designed to ebb and flow, guiding me deeper into a beautiful trusting and soul-full relationship with myself.

I don’t judge the experience as my being bad or good or in this case, him being right or wrong, I witness the experience and what it brought up in me and work through the charge that is living in my body, asking to be tended to.

Do I run around wildly reacting and projecting on the world around me? No.

I take time to process, do my best to see objectively the role I played and where I could have shown up better, been more loving or compassionate; I acknowledge what I was feeling in reaction to the other persons response to me so I can understand what it was that was upsetting me. I question the beliefs or old stories that I was tying to the current experience and decide if it’s the same thing, or just fear telling me a story of the imaginary danger i’m in.

And then I make the next best decision I can from a place of presence and what feels in the highest good in this moment, from my internal power place; from my truth.

The key to this is presence and awareness and a capacity to sit with self through moments of discomfort. I haven’t always been able to hold space for this so I know the contrast and what the judgement of being “wrong” or imperfect does to keep us in cycles that don’t serve us. I know how crushing this type of experience can be— how dangerous it can feel because of how deep the conditioning runs and how the rest of the world currently responds to authentic humanity as a whole—I really get it. Most of the world hasn’t done the work of coming home to self and accepting our inherent humanity. I know this, because it is not only what I support others in unlocking within their own journey, but it has also been my consistent self-work for the better part of the last 5 years. This is coming home. And I see everywhere I look the unnecessary suffering as a result of avoidance and rejection of self.

So I get that this journey into the unknown can be really isolating and scary without a lot of examples of how to walk the walk. It takes courage to step into the dark and stumble around. But the beautiful truth in it all, is whether we know it or not in this moment, we all have the capacity to hold the tension of the paradox of being spiritual beings having a human experience. We have everything we need inside of us to hold space for our emotional spectrum and choose the responses that best represents who we are, our integrity and values, moment to moment. We have the capacity to set boundaries that make it very clear what is ok for us, and what is not. And we have the capacity to hold strong on those boundaries as that is truly what enables us to be open-hearted, compassionate, whole beings showing up in the world… It’s all there for us. We just have to dive in and make our way back, to remember what is innately and divinely ours.

It is not easy work to get there. It’s incredibly confronting. And you will mess up a lot, you will fall on your face— more than you want to ever acknowledge or imagine, and there is perfection in that because that is how we learn; it’s how we grow. And it is how we create a space to enable to cultivating and nourishment of the relationships we deeply and inherently desire— both with self and with others.

This is a microcosm of the larger and necessary transition that the collective is calling out for even if they don’t consciously know it by name. It’s the shift from transactional interacting to relationships. From economy to ecosystem. This is about cultivating relationship.

In order to receive another and accept and grow to trust them— build solid, safe and unconditionally loving relationships— we have to be able to accept that others are imperfect and messy: they are human. In order to accept that in others, we first have to hold space for and accept that within ourselves. And in order to get to that point, we have to be able to witness and feel our humanity. All of it. We have to learn to sit with the tension of the courageous vulnerability required to go to the depths of being and excavate the truth that’s been there all along.

Awen is a state of being, experienced through a clarity that only conscious awareness can hold the capacity for.

And this is why I say I am grateful for the challenges like I had last night, because without them, I would not be able to push against the edges of my comfort zone. Without the loving relationship cultivated with this other human— that has taken time and had it’s ups and downs, but at the core is built on a deep trust and respect for one another— there would not have been a space to be opened to experience confrontation that neither of us is particularly comfortable with. That space gave us the liberty to both be reactive and recognize we can survive; allowed us to experientially learn that just because we disagree, or one or both of us is triggered or hurt, our mutual love is unconditional. Even when we don’t like the other very much in the moment.

The part I didn’t share with you last night, was while I was charged amidst the conversation and I left it feeling a bit on fire from the inside, we also held a respect for one another as we each acknowledged our defenses and miscommunications. We expressed gratitude for the other[me a little begrudgingly, but I was doing the best I could in that moment] and said goodbye with love. I had my own work to do after to sort through the response I was feeling in my body, but again, that was mine to sort through. And as i’ve already described, that process of taking ownership of my own experience, led me deeper into me; reminded me as reinforcement that I can survive a challenging conversation with a man I care for without the world ending [deep irrational abandonment fears come on strong and need some reinforcement to prove they aren’t true sometimes]. And it opened a space for deeper embodiment to flood in so I could experience today at a depth that wasn’t accessible the day before. It was hard and it was ok.

Trust comes from experience, and patience and standing in through the discomfort and accepting humanity—being able to witness the self in other. We are all connected. We all breathe and sleep and bleed. We all feel. And we have forgotten this on the surface level. This is where awen comes in. Intentionally building and standing in the discomfort of the vulnerability of relating with self and one another. This is where we must move if we want to create a world where there instead of being in constant conflict with one another we can begin to bring others in closer; holding space, in love, for all. We must build relationship.

“For awen to exist, there must be a relationship. We cannot be inspired unless we are open, and we cannot be open unless we have established a relationship, whether that is with the thunder, the blackbird or a god.  It is cyclical in nature; we open and give of ourselves and in doing so we receive, and vice versa. Letting go, releasing into that flow of awen allows it to flow ever more freely, and we find ourselves inspired not only in fits and bursts of enlightenment or inspiration but all the time, carrying that essence of connection and wonder with us at all times.” 

-Joanna van der Hoeven via: http://torstone.org/featured-articles/the-awen

“Power In Your Hands” via IG @ameyasrealm; print available on https://ameyasrealm.com/

***

Day 8/28 {Being} moved: Sometimes I have to wander blindly for a bit to figure out where it is i’m going. This piece was a wandering journey that I, full transparency, have not enjoyed [the writing today that is]. I wanted desperately for it to be a short, quick and to the point expression so I could go about my evening. That didn’t happen. This is the practice and challenge of this challenge. Following the calls I’m getting in the present moment and seeing where they take me. Amidst it all, the theme, the thread that felt inspired to pull today, is “awen” . I’m grateful I stuck with it, through my resistance to find the point my heart wanted to express tonight. I’m continuing to learn about myself day in and day out. What a beautiful wild confusing mess this all is ;)

Today I am overwhelmed with love, and inspired by the generosity and fierce grace of the beautiful beings in my life. My sisters, my family, my soul mates. And special shout out to my soul sister, who was the first DM I saw in the morning that started off with “I just read your post- who do we need to hex?” 🤣🤣🤣{she was joking, but I felt good to know she had my back}. And with that, it’s almost midnight and I may or may not turn into a pumpkin or something like that, so I will say goodnight. As always, deep thanks to you being here, reading my words, following along with my journey of reflecting in response to the world around me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{friendly} enemy

Waxing Crescent Moon in Libra

Day 7/28: My heart is pounding. I feel tears pooling in my eyes, the heavy ones that have no choice but to be shed. I’m tired. I’m angry. I want to write “i’m frustrated” but I’m pretty sure i’m fucking pissed off. Frustrated always feels a little more palatable and reasonable considering what i’m being triggered by right now. But yea, I want to scream and blame and project all my whatever this hybrid emotion i’m feeling but can’t quite identify yet, off onto the next unassuming bystander [yea, i’m present enough to recognize that’s not actually how I want to show up, but I still feel the urge to offload in a major way]. It had been long enough since the last time and I wasn’t prepared for it today. The walls, the shut down. And I should have known it was coming with the territory I was tiptoeing into. I think I did know it was coming, and I did it anyway.

And I don’t know yet, why it is I pushed. Was it my place? Was I trying to fix? Were my efforts as innocent as I convinced myself they were or was I attached to a belief that I have and was wrapping it in a disguise to sneak it in the door? I haven’t sorted yet if I truly overstepped or I just stepped on the wrong nerve. I do know I feel a heaviness and a desire to curl up and pull away, to withdraw: this is one of my suits of armor when I all of a sudden feel unsure about my place in a space. I did the thing I haven’t done in a really long time. I got up and hid for a few minutes to withdraw from all the sharp words I could have used as weapons to cut him like a knife.

Words are my weapons and I have to wield them with reverence. Bouncing often between stifling my voice and manipulating a situation to my favor: extremes that are not in my highest expression of being. So instead of shutting down fully like I want to, I’m going to write a little story, absolutely colored by my hurt feelings in the healthiest way I can manage to offload and process what it is I’m truly feeling. Finding my balance point [as Libra always asks of me], while portraying one side of the story. It doesn’t feel amazing, but I’m not ready to take the blame quite yet, maybe that will come through tomorrow.

Here’s to being emotionally open even and especially when those you love the most trigger the fuck out of you and it leaves you with no option but to sit with it. Or in my case, since I made a promise to myself, i’m here writing it into a little dramatization of it while I’m still neck deep in my feels ;).

***

{𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚕𝚢} 𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚖𝚢

warning bells sound; drawbridge raised…

all of a sudden a perceptible shift

nobody in, nobody out

from trusted and welcome ally, relegated to enemy

caught attempting to infiltrate and expose weak spots in the fortress walls

a visceral transformation before my eyes; air between polarities suddenly electric

whip me by the lash of your tongue

your contradictions leaving a bitter taste in my mouth; in words left unspoken.

the voice inside warned me “this one might cost you.”

and deep down, I knew better

and also, sometimes the truth hurts.

alternative perspective, interpreted as accusation

too great a threat to territories deemed absolute in one’s mind.

repeat something enough times, and a truth it becomes

yet, if the foundation built upon is so sturdy; settled

why are mere exploratory expressions such a threat in the space inside these resolute walls?

you love me; still.

despite my curious disposition; I suppose

missed the memo on unacceptable sticking points it seems

they shoot the messenger in this kingdom.

precarious circumstance I find myself in once again

reminder that this is not my home, merely a conditional guest

and I refuse to sleep with one eye open

***

“She gets that the real transformation comes in letting love reach within her where it hasn’t been before. It doesn’t come from turning into the form that her ego wants, or that others might have preferred for her to be. It’s not about making sense from the outside. It’s about bringing what she had kept hidden, what she only revealed at night, what she kept secret as the thing that was most hideous about her and returning it to the light.”

-Meggan Watterson

So yea, day 7. Witnessing myself amidst the triggers. It happens less and less the more true I become to me, and therefore steals the breath from my metaphorical lungs for a few beats when it does happen. It took a solid 30 minutes to get my chest to stop buzzing this evening and as soon as I hung up the phone an explosive outburst of tears, a pillow got punched a few times and then screamed into [to any of my clients reading: yes I do the things I recommend to you too]. I needed to move the energy that felt trapped in my being. And I trust that it’s showed up to invite me into a space that it’s time to shine some light into, so I’m going to do my best to be with it; not trying to “figure it out”, but to feel into the edges and explore. Be open to seeing the pattern, the habit, the truth, amidst the feeling of rejection and whatever other stories my little self is telling at the moment.

The quote above is [of course] the medicine that came with my coffee this morning [out of “Mary Magdalene Revealed”] before any of this unfolded, and it feels like a steadying reminder and the perfect words to root this expression to the earth. I’m now going to bed, pretty sure there will be more tears before all is said and done, which means, there is still energy that wants to move. This is my process, one that I judged for many years and did not allow to unfold, one that a past version of me absolutely would not share with others. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. It doesn’t make sense to me half the time, but i’m ok with it. I am feeling things and they don’t feel “good” and I am ok. I trust that it’s here for me and I have the capacity to hold the tension and space within and allow it to move me as it may. Thanks for witnessing me this evening [or whenever these words find you], as always, I appreciate your presence, and willingness to join me on this wild little experiment we call life. ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces

waxing crescent moon in libra

in the tender spaces // between waking and sleep.

8x10 pictures projected in my mind // just out of reach.

some anonymous space and time // shadows and light.

balance and scales // much yet to be weighed.

story upon story; I create // [meaning twisted in my mind]. 

strangled by the invisible // [indivisible] threads connecting me to you.

I am you // and you are me.

an imaginary binding? // or unwinding?

[cage door unlocked; never tried] // [a guide that leads me home to you].

a mashup of melodies // ringing in my ears.

unconscious pulling apart yarns stored // deep in the recesses of mind.

working their way to the surface // one frame at a time.

overlapping memories // old patterns die hard.

unavailable; unattainable // just out of reach.

walking out on me in your dreams // your interpretation.

can you handle a hard truth? // or would you prefer a soft lie?

divine sparks // intuitive animation.

the difference between one that sticks // and those that float away.

like a broken limb in the current // gone.

nothing rational // [significance holds no judgment of outcome or experience].

“good” is not a pre-requisite // in the realm of soul.

the experience we are having is // [we agreed to this shit].

so what is the truth amidst the fuzzy?// [mist of vulnerabilities unspoken].

afraid to show the tender beneath // suffocating under the stifling weight of armor.

unconscious patterns // “show me yours and I’ll show you mine”

here in hiding // we all lose.

open and intentional // no more space in my heart for the lies.

awaken from the illusion // trust in the unseen, felt.

it takes courage to stand in // [the tender spaces between waking and sleep].

***

Day 6/28: How is it that we find our way to trust? To the sacredness of our innermost sanctuaries where unconditional love, truth, and our infinite power reside? The truth is in the body. The wisdom and intuition that is there, that has always been there, yet we fear following.

“tender // spaces” is a mashup of little narratives that popped into my consciousness throughout my day today that i’ve attempted to give some form/cohesiveness. I pulled from imagery I saw on the brink of napping, eyes closed and just watching as my mind played this afternoon; through messages exchanged with friends over text and lines in songs I was listening to that caught my attention. Then I filled in the blanks with what has felt like a constant theme and curiosity for me as of late: of soul connections [how they show up, the potential they have to move us; maybe also why?].

[{Brief interlude on “soul connections} I ascribe “soul connections” to those that animate us at a depth that I can only describe as “truth”; for no rational or logical reason [this stuff is not anywhere in the realm of rational] and begin showing up in different forms, in different ways, through different experiences [whether we are conscious or open to them is a factor that influences when/how we experience]. Those that I will '“label” under that category in my experience have similar “markers” to notify me of their presence. There is a feeling I get, a recognition and a sense of ease, no matter what is presenting in their current being— their current level of personal awareness, how much self work they have/have not done; not mater how grounded or chaotic they are— there is a trust and a knowing I feel that I cannot explain. A deep nourishing exhale. A place where I can rest, close my eyes and let go. That feeling of home. That’s what I identify as being in the presence of soul manifested in other. Not to say that those I don’t feel that way with are less significant somehow, but when these particular ones show up, I know to pay attention to the themes, what intensities they are sparking within me as information that always leads me somewhere valuable for my own growth— an invitation for deepening into me. And more often than not, they are intense mirrors that reflect aspects of me back that I had not yet seen, had not been ready to seen or maybe would not be able to see if not in the reflection of their being.

And the more I have let go of the attachment to “what this means” and just follow the breadcrumbs “they” [my intuition'] provide— allowing myself subsequently to be led by soul—i’ve been finding my way to some pretty wild/cool/weird AF things within myself, or experiences that I never would have considered significant or transformative, and definitely not “perfect” as a former version of myself. Not all of these experiences are pleasant or meant to be perpetuated, but I feel they absolutely are here on purpose and to be learned from if I so choose to receive them without judgement or attachment.]

So, in “tender // spaces” what I realize now, in reflection, is that I am exploring the unconscious tug of war we play with ourselves and play out on others when we don’t trust; when we fear and resist holding space for and sharing the vulnerability of our authentic self, how it leads us to hide the best parts of self from not just the world, but more importantly: from ourselves. For when we repress; attempt to manage and control the beautiful messy irrational humanity that resides within us all—yes, that same humanity that the world has tried to convince us is unloveable, wrong, broken, not enough, too much [etc, you get the idea]— then the connections that are meant for us to be experienced for our souls expansion and evolution, become non-starters. Matters of soul are the catalysts for our becoming; we either experience/learn or repeat until completion. And in being present and embodying this physical “human” experience—which is as important an aspect of learning and integration as transcending ego from a spiritual development perspective— when we play defensive maneuvering in matters of love, everybody loses.

At the end of the day, I believe we always have choice, whether we lean into the unknown, dare to experience the things that the rational mind, the ego and fear will say “WTF, this is crazy”, but in that deeper, knowing place— one you may not be practiced at listening to and leading from—you will hear, or better yet feel that “yes” [even if it’s the “uggghhh do I really have to do this” kind of yes]. And in a world, where all we really, truly want is to be seen and known and loved, exactly as we are— the irony is— the only thing keeping us from having the beautiful, soul shaking experiences we are here to live, is the fear of being seen: being exposed in our messy, imperfect all-ness, and maybe even being accepted, receiving love, not despite but because of exactly who it is that we are; that being we were always meant to be.

We have to be willing to explore the edges to awaken from the illusion; must lean in and trust in the unseen, felt. It takes courage to stand in the tender spaces. My invitation as always: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this wild wild west called coming home. Always bring yourself back to a space where curiosity, kindness and non-judgement lead the way, and know: you are worthy, you are enough. And you have EVERYTHING already inside of you that you could ever need. Trust in the perfection that already is you. ❤︎

This concludes day 6 of 28, way more poured out of me than I was expecting when I opened up my laptop, but it feels like what needed to be released that I couldn’t have known before I just leaned into the “I don’t feel like it” and started pulling at threads. Thank you, as always for being here, exploring all the wild and weird human things with me, I am forever grateful for your witnessing me in all my weird and messy humanity ;).

With gratitude and always LOVE,

tender // spaces. light // dark

***

{rest day}

Waxing Crescent Moon in Virgo

And then there are the days. When a nap is the only thing that my body is crying out for. Where no solid form can be made from the scramble of energy bouncing around in my head. Today is one of those days. And as much as I would love to weave some magic in the form of word play, i’m instead going to honor what my body is asking for. I’m going to luxuriate in the simple silence of my cozy little apartment. Maybe order some takeout. Hopefully be in bed by 10:00pm. Rest, give myself some quiet space. Just be.

This is an equally important part of this journey for me, [this challenge of writing every day i’ve placed upon my shoulders]. It is a curiosity I have, finding the edge of where I’m escaping myself, the present moment and avoiding leaning in and doing something that is just slightly out of my comfort zone, versus when i’m just tired because I’ve had a long week. And when honestly checking in with self, today, in this moment, it’s the latter. I have had a beautiful week, but am just getting back into client work [after quarantine shut me down for a few months] and finding my threshold of my “conditioning” so to speak as it relates to the space I hold for others and what that requires of me energetically; finding that sweet balance that I’m constantly seeking that is often shifting— as is life.

And so as I work this out “loud”, here is my offering today: learn to listen to the ebb and flow of your body. Question and discern between what is edge of comfort zone and genuine fatigue. And recognize that there is no shame or inadequacy in just being tired, or needing to pause, to slow down. It’s important to show up for self, which is why I’m here, writing these words today. It’s very important for me to keep my word to myself [this is a part of my healing around the masculine energy— I may dig more into this at a different time, just not today]. And so because I set this intention for myself, I am following through, and also honoring my energy in only spending a few minutes on this post, instead of hours. This is a rest day ;)

***

This is also day 5/28. I appreciate this challenge, these little nuances i’ve witnessed within myself these past few days, and looking forward to what I continue to learn. I am so grateful for your being here, taking the time to read my words and reflections, and I hope you have a beautiful day, wherever in the world and whenever in time you find yourself here with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,