writing in reflection of the world around me //

Nicolette Bernardes 8/12/20 Nicolette Bernardes 8/12/20

{built} for this

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

“But I think she weeps also because she was given a transmission that she realizes now the disciples are not able to receive. It’s a teaching that she can uniquely give to them, precisely because their whole world order and idea of power would have to shift in order to receive it. “
-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

shifting power for a new world order

with and for, no more power over.

we cannot dismantle only to rebuild on the same faulty foundations

yet, dismantle we must.

tear it down; burn it to the ground

clearing space for an ancient kind of new

creation from places unseen

just out of sight

a different sort of vision required;

2020; the beginning; the end

☿

alchemy;

transmuting base metals into gold.

trust to take the lead

an uncharted gnosis; in our bones

singing its siren song

from the depths; rising

in many ways, a merging.

Bringing back a balance never before seen

consciousness meeting soul

divine melding with the mundane

masculine holding feminine

as above, so below

whole

holy

♀︎

change is painful.

death, inevitable.

we were built for this.

we were brought here for this

***

Day 24/28: We must shift the current paradigm and ideas of power in order to receive this new world that is waiting for us; change is painful; death, inevitable; we were built for this; we were brought here for this; it’s time.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Nicolette Bernardes 7/25/20 Nicolette Bernardes 7/25/20

tender // spaces

waxing crescent moon in libra

in the tender spaces // between waking and sleep.

8x10 pictures projected in my mind // just out of reach.

some anonymous space and time // shadows and light.

balance and scales // much yet to be weighed.

story upon story; I create // [meaning twisted in my mind].

strangled by the invisible // [indivisible] threads connecting me to you.

I am you // and you are me.

an imaginary binding? // or unwinding?

[cage door unlocked; never tried] // [a guide that leads me home to you].

a mashup of melodies // ringing in my ears.

unconscious pulling apart yarns stored // deep in the recesses of mind.

working their way to the surface // one frame at a time.

overlapping memories // old patterns die hard.

unavailable; unattainable // just out of reach.

walking out on me in your dreams // your interpretation.

can you handle a hard truth? // or would you prefer a soft lie?

divine sparks // intuitive animation.

the difference between one that sticks // and those that float away.

like a broken limb in the current // gone.

nothing rational // [significance holds no judgment of outcome or experience].

“good” is not a pre-requisite // in the realm of soul.

the experience we are having is // [we agreed to this shit].

so what is the truth amidst the fuzzy?// [mist of vulnerabilities unspoken].

afraid to show the tender beneath // suffocating under the stifling weight of armor.

unconscious patterns // “show me yours and I’ll show you mine”

here in hiding // we all lose.

open and intentional // no more space in my heart for the lies.

awaken from the illusion // trust in the unseen, felt.

it takes courage to stand in // [the tender spaces between waking and sleep].

***

Day 6/28: How is it that we find our way to trust? To the sacredness of our innermost sanctuaries where unconditional love, truth, and our infinite power reside? The truth is in the body. The wisdom and intuition that is there, that has always been there, yet we fear following.

“tender // spaces” is a mashup of little narratives that popped into my consciousness throughout my day today that i’ve attempted to give some form/cohesiveness. I pulled from imagery I saw on the brink of napping, eyes closed and just watching as my mind played this afternoon; through messages exchanged with friends over text and lines in songs I was listening to that caught my attention. Then I filled in the blanks with what has felt like a constant theme and curiosity for me as of late: of soul connections [how they show up, the potential they have to move us; maybe also why?].

[{Brief interlude on “soul connections} I ascribe “soul connections” to those that animate us at a depth that I can only describe as “truth”; for no rational or logical reason [this stuff is not anywhere in the realm of rational] and begin showing up in different forms, in different ways, through different experiences [whether we are conscious or open to them is a factor that influences when/how we experience]. Those that I will '“label” under that category in my experience have similar “markers” to notify me of their presence. There is a feeling I get, a recognition and a sense of ease, no matter what is presenting in their current being— their current level of personal awareness, how much self work they have/have not done; not mater how grounded or chaotic they are— there is a trust and a knowing I feel that I cannot explain. A deep nourishing exhale. A place where I can rest, close my eyes and let go. That feeling of home. That’s what I identify as being in the presence of soul manifested in other. Not to say that those I don’t feel that way with are less significant somehow, but when these particular ones show up, I know to pay attention to the themes, what intensities they are sparking within me as information that always leads me somewhere valuable for my own growth— an invitation for deepening into me. And more often than not, they are intense mirrors that reflect aspects of me back that I had not yet seen, had not been ready to seen or maybe would not be able to see if not in the reflection of their being.

And the more I have let go of the attachment to “what this means” and just follow the breadcrumbs “they” [my intuition'] provide— allowing myself subsequently to be led by soul—i’ve been finding my way to some pretty wild/cool/weird AF things within myself, or experiences that I never would have considered significant or transformative, and definitely not “perfect” as a former version of myself. Not all of these experiences are pleasant or meant to be perpetuated, but I feel they absolutely are here on purpose and to be learned from if I so choose to receive them without judgement or attachment.]

So, in “tender // spaces” what I realize now, in reflection, is that I am exploring the unconscious tug of war we play with ourselves and play out on others when we don’t trust; when we fear and resist holding space for and sharing the vulnerability of our authentic self, how it leads us to hide the best parts of self from not just the world, but more importantly: from ourselves. For when we repress; attempt to manage and control the beautiful messy irrational humanity that resides within us all—yes, that same humanity that the world has tried to convince us is unloveable, wrong, broken, not enough, too much [etc, you get the idea]— then the connections that are meant for us to be experienced for our souls expansion and evolution, become non-starters. Matters of soul are the catalysts for our becoming; we either experience/learn or repeat until completion. And in being present and embodying this physical “human” experience—which is as important an aspect of learning and integration as transcending ego from a spiritual development perspective— when we play defensive maneuvering in matters of love, everybody loses.

At the end of the day, I believe we always have choice, whether we lean into the unknown, dare to experience the things that the rational mind, the ego and fear will say “WTF, this is crazy”, but in that deeper, knowing place— one you may not be practiced at listening to and leading from—you will hear, or better yet feel that “yes” [even if it’s the “uggghhh do I really have to do this” kind of yes]. And in a world, where all we really, truly want is to be seen and known and loved, exactly as we are— the irony is— the only thing keeping us from having the beautiful, soul shaking experiences we are here to live, is the fear of being seen: being exposed in our messy, imperfect all-ness, and maybe even being accepted, receiving love, not despite but because of exactly who it is that we are; that being we were always meant to be.

We have to be willing to explore the edges to awaken from the illusion; must lean in and trust in the unseen, felt. It takes courage to stand in the tender spaces. My invitation as always: Be gentle with yourself as you navigate this wild wild west called coming home. Always bring yourself back to a space where curiosity, kindness and non-judgement lead the way, and know: you are worthy, you are enough. And you have EVERYTHING already inside of you that you could ever need. Trust in the perfection that already is you. ❤︎

This concludes day 6 of 28, way more poured out of me than I was expecting when I opened up my laptop, but it feels like what needed to be released that I couldn’t have known before I just leaned into the “I don’t feel like it” and started pulling at threads. Thank you, as always for being here, exploring all the wild and weird human things with me, I am forever grateful for your witnessing me in all my weird and messy humanity ;).

With gratitude and always LOVE,

***

Nicolette Bernardes 12/17/18 Nicolette Bernardes 12/17/18

Then Go...

It’s natural, to want to get away, to escape, to write a new chapter of your story. But are you moving toward something or just running away?Are there parts of your Self yet to be forgiven, healed or acknowledged?

“Perhaps some of us have to go through dark and devious ways before we can find the river of peace or the highroad to the soul’s destination”
-Frederick Pierce, “Dreams and Personality”

◆

It’s natural, to want to get away, to escape, to write a new chapter of your story. But are you moving toward something or just running away?

Are there parts of your Self yet to be forgiven, healed or acknowledged? Pieces that feel vulnerable, and weak, and uncomfortable? Ask yourself these questions, because you can go to the deepest, darkest, most isolated corners of the earth, not another human in sight... but YOU will still be there. You cannot run from yourself. You can mask it for a bit; distract, numb, create stories about the “why”, but eventually you will be still…in the aloneness you have sought out. So alone that you will have no choice but to face the truth...

What is it that you are really afraid of seeing? You? Who you may be? Who you may not be? Who you have been? Who you have not forgiven yourself for being?

It’s ok. Sometimes we need space, adventure, and especially freedom to explore who we are outside of our current and “comfortable" environment; and even to run away. Before you go though, have an honest conversation with yourself about why. What is it that you are seeking? What is it that you are escaping from?

You have survived everything that life has hurled at you and you are still here. Standing. Growing. Moving forward.

Embrace the lost, the frightened, the dark and violent, and the vulnerable. Embrace the scared and helpless child within. I know it’s hard; and I know it’s scary. But you are safe now. You are loved and supported. And you are worthy; just because you are here; because you exist. You don’t have to run and there is nothing you have to find that is outside of you. You already have everything you need and have been seeking all along; it is all within you.

So, if you still want to go, go. Be brave; open yourself to all that this life has to offer, and enjoy. Every. Fucking. Minute. Of it. Seek all of the immense and unique beauty that is out there, in this great big world. But remember, you don’t have to go anywhere to find you.

You have never been lost; have never been without. You just have to remember. Look within and ask the questions that are burning in your heart.

Get honest with you. Because no matter how hard you try, you cannot escape your heart, and why would you want to? It is beautiful, and strong, and courageous, and unbelievably resilient, and it beats for you. You are strong enough, to feel, to face your demons. You are exactly who you are supposed to be, made of dark and light. And because of that, you are whole.

So first, be curious and brutally honest; face what you fear the most. Honor all of who you are and have been. Embrace and accept ALL of you. Trust the beautiful, powerful and healing love in your heart; your Truth.