a new layer; exposed

a companion piece to “descent into darkness”

⫷♀︎⫸

“Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak its truth, she is pressured to be silent.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, "Women Who Run With the Wolves

Fighting with my darkness.

I’ve been hiding. While I am perpetually inviting others to embrace the beauty of their whole spectrum of humanity— and I truly believe in that— still on some level, i’ve feared and resisted my own. I’ve held back authentic expressions of the depths and edges I can’t stifle, can’t avoid. I have been [maybe noticeably, maybe not] absent, on social media, with my newsletter and my expressions here; everywhere really—other than my local coffee shops, because hey, I still need some human interaction.

I’ve been MIA, In part it’s because my brain was not cooperating to put my many feelings and thoughts into form; another part of it has been that i’ve felt overwhelmed, overstimulated and just didn’t want to engage with the world. But then there is something else…

I have felt the internal groan of “ugghhh, not another gloomy, moody expression about the underworld, depths, depression, how untethered and uninspired I feel”— since that is basically what I have felt to express almost every time I sit down to put pen to paper over the last year or so. And I have felt like a broken record. Repeating over and over the most intensely uncomfortable track. And the narrative of “nobody wants to hear this story line again” has been staring me down as it plays on repeat in the background of my mind.

And maybe you don’t want to hear it; but that’s not really the point. The point is I have allowed it to keep me from sharing the full, unfiltered truth about the landscapes I have been traversing. And because as I will share in a moment, I have been getting what I asked for, a loving, present and grounded man who wants to do this life dance together— all in—and I love and trust him… and i’m still not “good”.

I’m still struggling to feel a deep sense of connection with myself or other. In actuality, i’m facing, more aggressively the recognition of how little I trust and allow myself to be vulnerable; how unsafe I think i’ve always felt—especially in intimacy—but i’m just noticing it now. And that feels challenging [understatement]. It brings up a lot of deep grief and a lot of questions. And one of those questions is “what is missing?”, meaning what parts of me are not functioning that would otherwise allow me to feel safe, connected and satisfied with life— and where have they gone?

I’ll tell you what, it’s not a fun space to be sitting in. So while I haven’t shared the whole truth, avoidance has been the go to because i’m not about to be up in here not being real. But with the avoidance of expressing I’ve found myself in a more chaotic space in my mind where the judgement and shame run rampant. And that’s a problem. By not expressing, i’ve felt more stuck, more confused and then more judgement—of the stuckness, confusion and judgement. In other words making it worse— because if you didn’t already know: what you resist, persists.

I have avoided sharing the fullness of the dark and twisty places my imagination conjures

because I don’t want people to worry about me, or ask if i’m ok, or get sick of me— in my seeming inability to be inspirational and hopeful; as though I need to balance the emo vibes with some form of positivity or certainty or wisdom in the face of uncertainty.

And in the midst of the unwraveling i’ve been going through—i’ve on some level been operating from an old story that goes a little something like: in order to be acceptable, in order for there to be anyone left once the fog clears, I can’t share all of it, it’s too much.

So i’ve withdrawn. And frankly, i’ve been sick of myself; sick of feeling the sadness and grief of lifetimes being exposed and pouring out. Sick of feeling broken and unable to show up in certain areas of my life. And afraid that if I give myself freedom to just share whatever is bouncing around in my mind, who knows what the hell might come out— and that feels a bit dangerous [hello fear of letting go of control, I see you].

Layers of armor are being peeled away to reveal a lot of hurt and fear and uncertainty, showing me things i’ve never been able to see about myself. These experiences are the reckoning i’m having to lean into the deeper I descend. And i’ve not been graceful or grateful about it. I’ve just wanted it to be over.

The thing is, I know that there is nothing actually wrong with where I am; nothing wrong with who I am. And still in the status quo of society it feels unacceptable and as though there is no space that can hold the fullness of me. And even more so— in my body, in memories that feel ingrained in my DNA, it feels dangerous to lean in and explore these spaces. This is something that I have held back on expressing because I judged myself for not being able to be past it, and also didn’t want to scare people away from this work, but I think there are a few really important things to bring in here about this.

The first, is that just because we know our shit— meaning just because we have awareness— doesn’t mean we are magically healed/done with it.. try to give yourself some grace in that there is a lot of unlearning to do before we can learn new, healthier and more sustainable ways of being; and your awareness is a gift, even when it feels like it would be so much better to go back to being blind to it— and I say this with love— it isn’t, better or possible, and acceptance is a much less painful path, I know from experience.

The second thing: we all have trauma, whether it’s our lived experiences, or what has been handed off unhealed to us—and whether or not we remember or have repressed it. I believe that part of our life’s work is about taking ownership of our own healing, without shame or blame or feeling like there is something wrong with us— and holding space for other people to be as messy and clunky and unsure through these layers of healing as we are going to be.

And the third is a loving reminder, for myself and for you: when we have been traumatized, when we carry trauma in our bodies— either from our actual lived experience, our past lives, or that which has gone unhealed and passed along generationally— it’s not as simple as doing the “right things”; meditation, therapy, etc— we have to peel back the layers of conditioned trauma response and be willing to “risk” not operating from that place. And that requires an awareness of how we are reacting to our world— either from an open, compassionate place, or a guarded and hypervigilant, defensive place— and then we have to decide to do something different; to lean into the discomfort that feels dangerous in order to build new patterns that will allow ourselves to step out of the patterned stress response 24/7 to actually rest and digest and recharge and heal what is crying out for our attention.

And to do this we have to to find and/or create safe spaces—

both within our self and in our immediate environments in order to work to untangle the web of habitual trauma/stress/survival response [when it is the type of response that has us constantly on guard] — otherwise we are consistently re-traumatizing and reinforcing to our nervous system that are in fact not safe.

Accepting that we are vulnerable and that we cannot control the world around us, and all that we can control is how we show up and how we react; and then do the best we can with whatever comes up. Whew, no big deal right?

[I hope it’s not lost in translation that i’m being cheeky here, this is big, big brave and confronting work and I understand why we do our best to avoid it, and also hold deep reverence for how necessary and urgent it is that more of us take this journey.]

And with all of that, I think of society and the mirror it’s holding up to me— how much of our authentic, full spectrum feeling has been repressed, not discussed or even acknowledged and the obsession with “looking at the bright side”; how much trauma has gone unhealed and passed along under the “we don’t talk about that” blanket statement— without any mention of how damaging to our physical, emotional and spiritual well being this avoidance is.

And the gut punch for me: the recognition that on some level i’ve been filtering out of the same resistance and rejection I’m seeing out in the world around me— even though I know better; “oh hey societal conditioning, nice to see you again” [*insert eye roll*]

I talk about this and how I define the darkness more in “descent into darkness”, if you haven’t given that a read, you can find it here.

What I recognized just a few weeks ago, was part of the stuckness, the loop of feeling totally untethered and lost was because I haven’t allowed myself to express what is true for me. And the more I become familiar with myself I realize I have to do that for my whole well being; I have to show up, and I have to share where I am, who I am, regardless of who sees it, likes it, or agrees with it in order to find my way back to the other pieces of me that can’t— that won’t—feel safe to come out as long as I am rejecting these “less desirable” parts; a reclamation and healing of my relationship with, as Clarissa Pinkola Estés puts it in “Women Who Run With the Wolves” the “not-beautiful” aspects of my humanity— and showing up in them.

“What is the not-beautiful? Our own secret hunger to be loved is the not-beautiful. Our disuse and misuse of love is the not-beautiful. Our dereliction in loyalty and devotion is unlovely, our sense of soul-separateness is homely, our psychological warts, inadequacies, misunderstandings, and infantile fantasies are the not-beautiful. Additionally, the Life/Death/Life nature, which births, destroys, incubates and births again, is considered by our cultures the not-beautiful.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés; “Women Who Run With the Wolves”

As much as i’ve embraced my depths and dark, i’ve in equal measure judged, rejected and feared Her…

I have to honor it, honor these parts of myself and what I have judged as the “not-beautiful”; bring it in, hold it with love and acceptance if I ever want the deeply hurt little girl that lives in me, to come out of hiding; if I ever want to be able to give and receive love in a way that feels nourishing to me and those closest to me.

The inner battle that i’ve been waging is fucking exhausting.

And so, i’m going to lean in some more; to do my best to share more of this aspect of me. Meaning that wherever I am is where I am, even if it’s dark and twisty for weeks/months/years on end. If I ever want to liberate myself from the cages i’ve bound myself in, I need to stop hiding from you, but most importantly from me. I have to bring all of me forward for better or worse in order to accept me. To love and trust me. It’s not about “them out there”— not about you, the witness to this expression. It’s me. I have to accept the fullness of where I am in order to let myself out, to move through the stuck and heavy spaces into the safe and sacred space of full being.

On some level I haven’t left the tumultuous embrace of the darkness

For at least the last three years or so i’ve been learning how to recognize and swim in the depths I spent a lifetime not even realizing that I had been avoiding— after picking up along the way, the feeling that it was too much; that I was too much. It’s been an interesting journey, witnessing both, as I expand how I view it, and have begun to embrace it and revel in it while still fearing, resisting and on some level rejecting this vital aspect of my being.

And now as I type this i’m wondering if i’m ever meant to leave the darkness. Instead, maybe it’s the way I perceive and judge the darkness and a healthy integration that is the calling. My discomfort with it’s lessons and trials has left me battle weary, but how much of my fatigue is related to my resistance to surrender? How i’m perceiving the cycles are that make it so extra mucky. Maybe it really just sucks going through some of these seasons and lessons. And maybe thats just ok. But at the end of the day, the real is, that I am the depths. I am the darkness. And treating it as though it’s a place to conquer and then leave behind is really just trying to escape a part of myself;

fighting it and judging it is just resisting soul…

[*well shit— i’ve been wrestling with this expression for a few weeks and this came through as a realization during my editing process, so i’m real time processing with you here…bear with me…*]

So while I take a pause and *breathe* into what I just uncovered, i’ll invite you to take some time to reflect on what your relationship with your own “darkness” is, however you define that for yourself.

Do you find the same or different resistances to showing up authentically in the spaces you occupy?

Are there are parts of you that you are judging and repressing because of your fear that your world won’t accept you if you step into and take ownership of it?

And if that is hitting some spicy/resistant points in you, then I will nudge you to look a little deeper and see if it’s their rejection or your rejection? Is it your inner battle with these aspects of self that are a little less [or a lot less] comfortable? Or somewhere along the way did you pick up on the vibe that there was no space for this aspect of you?

Those are the spaces I would invite you to lean into, dare to witness and give some love to. This may include things like joy and pleasure as well, as they are some of the most vulnerable of the emotions that we are first to stifle in order to keep the other ones at bay. It you feel called out by this, then it’s for you, And I see you, I really do. In fact I know this all too well. And now that i’ve had a chance to recover from my little mini revelation, i[m going to dive into the layer, and territory i’ve been navigating in this very long season…

my current season of darkness//

a descent into acceptance and surrender; into love

The last 8 months have been a different sort of descent and definitely uncharted territory. I’ve been full on neck deep; in relationship. Getting exactly what I asked for in a man while simultaneously freaking the fuck out, because, well… he exists [wasn’t sure that was really gonna happen if i’m being honest] and now, I have to acclimate to what that means.

It has taken me to new depths, which on some level I knew were there, untapped, but in no way could I have been prepared for how confronting and disarming it’s been to be seen, witnessed and loved— at this capacity— and by someone who actually wants to be there; by a man who isn’t fighting or trying to control me every step of the way.

Why is this so damn confronting?

Well, all I have know before in partnership with men was resistance, walls, and a need on some level to guard myself against their advances on me as a result of me being considered a desirable woman. It’s been all about them and i’ve let it be, in fact that was what was comfortable. Feeling a compulsion to chase and hold on to someone for dear life, manically trying to prove to them how good I am, and accepting scraps of affection/attention while trying to convince myself that it was satiating my hunger;

feeling a need to play traffic cop but also this responsibility for their wants and desires [because you know society has basically told women forever— overtly and subtly— that they are objects here for the pleasure of men to be won or conquered, a paradox of both being revered as this sacred body while being scapegoated as dangerous and blamed for the shame of the world and our collective fall from grace; pedestalized and simultaneously judged by this standard of chastity or lack thereof, which of course is based mostly on whether or not a man has penetrated us— but I digress as thats a whole other conversation i’m not going to go into here].

There is also the pesky self judgement

My personal achilles heel. I have judged how much of my energy, focus and thoughts have been directed into the space of relationship. It has at times felt like a failure when I “should be focusing on building a business, creating my art, on making money”, etc. My desire to be connected bashing against the desire to “do it all myself”, independent woman and all. And i’ve felt the fear that I am going to lose myself— that which i’ve fought so hard to reclaim— in relationship… again.

There is so much fear present in my physical and emotional body. Fear of slipping away, stepping aside for another’s wants, needs— abandoning myself and merging with what they want. How my emotional and physical health will suffer as a result. It’s happened before… too many times. And that fear is an indication of my lack of trust. Of myself with other.

⫷For my astrology peeps this is a nod to my 7th house stellium (Sun in Libra, and Mercury, [Asteroid*] Lilith + Pluto in Scorpio) holding my feet to the coals of learning relationship and facing resistances to getting lost in the process, and then as a cherry on top of the metaphorical cake another little 3 car pileup in my 8th House— South Node + Saturn in Scorpio + Venus in Sagittarius— facing karma and current relationship to sex, death, transformation— distrust, betrayal and trauma [+ a lot of beef with the old patriarch, Saturn]. ⫸

Over the past few months, since being in this relationship, just having a man who communicates and brings presence and attention to me; who can witness me and hold space for me in intimacy— it’s bringing to the surface a lot of past life and ancestral memories of being violated— raped, beaten, not listened to, used as an object, and in one particularly visceral memory—taking my own life as the feeling of my only escape from the cages of my circumstances, after aforementioned rape, not being listened to and used as property to be traded. Let me tell you—it’s been a real doozy of a party up in here.

Not to mention the reckoning with the traumas that have happened in this life that I have done a lot of work on already, but facing the way that my body shuts down when people, but especially men come in close to me… it makes me angry, and sad and resentful of so many things and it’s been a lot of conflicting and intense emotions to sort through.

So all to say, relationships are fucking hard for me and intimacy is laced with land mines of all sorts of past trauma surfacing; and as beautiful as the container my partner holds for me is— and he has been amazing through all of it— it is the most vulnerable I’ve ever had to be. And I don’t really like it so much. But I need it, it’s what my soul agreed to and what i’ve been asking for.

Leaning into the fear of allowing myself to be that exposed, especially to a man is an exercise in conditioning my nervous system to just not freak out. That’s my measurement in success at the moment: can I let my partner hold me without shutting down. I know— quite a high bar i’ve set for myself [that was sarcasm btw, in case you didn’t pick up the subtext in that statement, but it is actually where I am]

Did I mention that the most beneficial cover that those unavailable men who resisted me provided, was the ability to never feel settled and safe enough to truly tap into my depths of vulnerability— to face the wounding that only having someone witnessing me with love and patience would bring to the surface?

Yea, brilliant survival strategy if I do say so myself.

And damn would it be easier to keep playing “woe is me” and standing on my moral high ground— by continuing to chase men who couldn’t/wouldn’t be there for me and therefore find myself in the familiar state of manic over-giving, putting their needs above my own and then absolutely being able to direct the blame at them for leaving.

I could do that, it definitely would feel safer.

But it would hurt me, as it always has. And I committed to doing no more harm to myself. I committed to coming home to myself, to face all that I hadn’t been able to when I was so focused on what everyone else was doing and trying to get them to stay. Plus, that’s not who I want to be or how I want to show up.

So, no I actually can’t do it anymore.

And so here I am, in the thick of this relating thing and it’s exposing depths of unhealed gunk that I couldn’t have known were residing in all sorts of corners of my being. And what i’ve come to believe amidst all of this, even as much as i’ve resisted and avoided and pouted about it?

We can only be reborn from the darkness if we allow it to destroy us. Surrender and stop attempting to control that which is not controllable, but instead meant to be witnessed with a healthy dose of reverence and awe for the force that it is. It’s work. And it’s beautiful. And i’m messy.

This is my current season of darkness. A new layer; exposed.

⫷♀︎⫸

Thank you for being here, reading this, in this life. I am so grateful for your witnessing.

If any of this expression brought anything up in you, I invite you to sit with it and give yourself an extra dose of compassion and love; just because you deserve it. It takes courage to see, to feel. And I see you.

There is a companion piece to this called “descent into darkness” that gives more context into how I define the darkness, the season I feel the collective is being called into and a bit about how we relate to it that can either be supportive to our healing or a hindrance to it. If you are interested in diving in, you can find “descent into darkness” here. Please share with anyone you feel needs these reflections and I would love to hear your reaction. Feel free to drop a note in the comments or send me an email: info@nicolettebernardes.com

If there is any way I can be of service as you navigate your own descent into self + soul, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. If you are interested in having space held for you to release and reconnect to self, you can schedule a session with me to guide you through this big work.

And regardless of where you are, I am sending you so much big love and the hope that you are feeling held and protected as you navigate this whole human experience!

Be well sweet human ❤︎

With gratitude and always love,

{what i’m here for}

Last Quarter Moon in Taurus

***

Day 23/28

I started my post yesterday with the lines “My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces… I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart…”

And I meant it. As did I mean everything I wrote after that opening statement. And as i’ve been sitting with all that came up for me today as a result of what I shared in “i’m tired.”, I did some reflection on what it is the point of any of this is for me. Why i’m speaking about these things, that make me super uncomfortable, but can’t quite shake off and move away from…

And it’s because I really truly believe we need to get more honest about all the things we’ve been doing our best to keep swept under the rug— to save face, to be deemed acceptable— to all remain comfortably unconscious of how not ok so much— in the way in which we interact with each other—has been for so long.

And as this writing challenge begins to wind itself down, what i’m seeing more clearly are the threads i’ve been on the fringe of pulling that are here and asking for me to keep diving into.

For a while I wasn’t going in on them, either out of fear or because they are so big, and deeply enmeshed—with so many tentacles and directions I can go— I get overwhelmed when I try to start. And so I wasn’t finishing anything. This challenge has given me deadlines where I don’t have the luxury of time to agonize over how complete something is; it’s pushed me into pulling, untangling and weaving the best that I can, every day. And then allowing whatever comes through, to just be there and trust it’s exactly what needs to be expressed. In. This. Moment. [living the feminine in flow and trust]

And that’s a lesson in and of itself. One of “The Four Agreements” [by Don Miguel Ruiz] which is: Do your best everyday. Letting that be enough. Trusting, as I said, that it’s exactly what it needs to be, even if it’s messy, or incomplete [or has a few grammatical or spelling errors]. Even if your best any given day is less than your best-best ;).

Showing yourself more compassion and understanding in that you are a human being, not a machine. And doing the same for others. Remembering that we are not meant to be fully “on”, all day, every day. It’s unreasonable, and unnatural. Yet, we beat ourselves up for the reality of who it is that we inherently are as we strive and hustle and harm ourselves in an attempt to out-human our humanness— to live up to some unattainable standard.

What? Why? And at what cost?

What kind of life are we actually living?

When we can’t accept our humanity, we build lives around trying to mask the vulnerability of the aforementioned humanness from the world around us. And not only do we keep spinning in these cycles of “doing”— that leave us too exhausted at the end of the day to stop and reflect on why we are even doing it in the first place— but it also isn’t true. We aren’t being our true selves, nor do we often even know who authentic self really is.

So how in the world can we know we are living on purpose— our authentic truth— when we reject and hide self from self and the world or if we are too damn tired to do anything about it?

What is the point?

What is the actual point of any of this? And by this, I mean life. We all get to decide this for ourselves. For me, having been in different phases through my 35 years on this wild ride, i’ve done a lot of trying: the collegiate athlete needing achievement and acknowledgement route. The jumping into a relationship for the illusion of safety and stability that marriage is supposed to promise without knowing who I was or what I really wanted/needed. I’ve done the corporate grind trying to move upward, more money, better title— never enough, hustle more, work more, show how good I am— and losing sense of who I was along the way. I’ve left it all behind to completely pivot into personal coaching and “entrepreneurship”.

I’ve had my personal life blown to pieces [more than once] and gone on a journey 3+ years in the making that has taken me across oceans and into the deep, dark and scary places within myself— and in that personal journey, I have evolved the way I serve and show up for clients as a result of all that I have learned.

I’ve redefined what life is more times than I can count and I am always [and likely will forever be] questioning, learning, and hopefully evolving— shedding the untrue and becoming more whole and fully me.

And now here I am, wherever this is. Through it all, i’ve come to recognize that there is “the way it is” that most of us are taught, and, a whole other entire paradigm and a million ways that it’s possible to “be” if you are willing to get a little uncomfortable, step away from the known, remove the shackles of expectations and worry of how you will be perceived by the world around you and open yourself to the possibility than anything is possible.

So with all that i’ve seen, the huge contrast in what I knew “before” and what I know now, what i’ve come to— what I continue to come back to, time and again— what truly matters to me:

love and connection.

When I look around me, there are so many others that want the same thing, yet still feel a lack in the area of deeply nourishing, authentic connection and relationships. And because of the way things are, we are stuck in cycles that are not conducive to authentic connection. And when we are unable hold space for our humanity and all that comes along with it, we can’t truly hold one another.

From my vantage point and experience, we don’t give much in the way of grace— in the process it takes to learn another being, to build trust and inevitably screw it up at different points along the way.

We have little capacity for true forgiveness because it’s too vulnerable to risk being let down again so we never even get to that point because we are too afraid of being hurt or being the one screwing up and being condemned for it. Sometimes, often times, we are both.

There is a new world on the horizon that is wanting to be birthed; that we have the chance to create if we are all willing to put down basically everything we have learned and begin to meet each other from a curious, non-judgmental energy— it’s waiting for us— we need to be willing to meet it. We need to be willing to meet ourselves.

And if we can create safe spaces for us to explore all the hard and ugly truths about what has been happening and how much it sometimes hurts, then we have a chance to heal, to grow and to actually—finally— meet each other. Like, for real.

But in order for that to happen, we have to change the way we are doing things. We must be willing to share both our triumphs and our tragedies. We have to start being able to hold space for people when they share how much something has hurt them and instead of trying to fix or denying their reality, allow them the space to work through it [and know they aren’t alone].

We need to get better at boundaries; around our own energy, so we don’t absorb others’ pain and wear it like a brick backpack that eventually crushes us. And also so we can be more open and receptive to witness them in their moments. Not making it about us.

Taking ownership of what is ours, and allowing them the space and empowering them to take ownership of what is theirs.

We have to learn an entirely new way of relating with one another.

And this is why I keep pulling at these threads: because I believe this work— this unlearning to relearn— is absolutely vital to creating a world we all can thrive in; not just the privileged few.

I guess i’m just one of those crazy ones that cannot accept it as is. Because I now know there is something… more. And with that knowing, I can’t be less of me to fit into “the way things are” anymore. And naturally— love and connection and all— I want to share this with others to give them the chance to decide, with as much information as is possible to live the lives that best support their soul purpose here. To remind us all [including myself] that who we are—our true, soul self— is exactly who we are supposed to be— and being anything less than all that is “you”, is doing the world a disservice.

So I am going to continue to talk about the things that will help catalyze the shifts I feel in my bones are necessary to start living from a different paradigm. One where we are willing and able to meet one another and truly see the beauty, the good [god], in all.

Unconditional love and authentic connection. Building trust. Moving in the world as the divinely messy beings we were perfectly designed to be, and meeting one another in this thing we call being human.

This is what i’m here for.

with gratitude and always love,

{i went to sleep}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries {still}

 i went to sleep //

and woke up next to you

messy hair and morning breath 

limbs intertwined

bare skin; soft 

you whispered good morning  

pulled me in close, like you always do

kissed my neck

ran your hand down the side of my body 

as awakened eyes met 

and for just a moment

time stood still

just the two of us

A familiar feeling

wrapped in love

nowhere to be

nothing to do

the sweetest pause...

// and then I woke up.

{maybe one day we’ll meet again // somewhere other than in my dreams}

***

Day 21/28: This Aries moon + Venus in Cancer has got me feelin’ some sort of way these past few days. Emo love songs about distant love, heart literally aching and tears making their way out periodically when a certain song comes on, or lyric hits a nerve; day dreaming about love and connection those that came before, the ones i’m calling in; watching Netflix rom-coms. And what I don’t like acknowledging but will for sake of transparency— I don’t often feel lonely, but I’m feeling the craving to have a man in my presence, someone that I have an intimacy and trust with, that I can just snuggle up with and exist in the same space. I miss being held and touched [again, thanks Venus in Cancer for these vibes *insert eye roll here *]. So today, i’m just going to keep it short and sweet, and spend the rest of my evening enjoying being in this beautiful little hearth space that is my apartment, around my plant babies that all got new outfits today [translation: they got potted in pretty ceramics], watching more Netflix rom-coms. Love and extra tight distance air hugs to anyone who is feelin’ the— longing to be witnessed and embraced— sort of feeling. You’re not alone.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

love {in} my life

Full Moon in Aquarius

⬩

An intriguing prospect. A desire to dive in deeper. Explore a bit. I imagine what it may be like to feel your hands on my body. To hold your hand. A curious meeting. One of those funny stories, years ago. Before. Before it all unfolded and I became me. But I found myself drawn to you then. And now. A chance encounter. Yet I don’t believe in coincidence. Curious timing for sure. How many more of these am I going to experience before the pattern runs out? What is the animation here all about? Still a signal of hiding, or is there something yet but meant to be explored?

[This little stream of consciousness is where I started today… so I suppose I’m going to flow on love a bit and where i’m at with it these days… I’m typing this after i’ve written everything below and starting to feel slightly nauseous at a few of the things i’m actually going to share “out loud”… but it’s what came out of me today, so i’m going to go ahead and honor it. Love is a journey, this is a bit about mine; where I have been and where I am presently, and setting intentions for where i’m open to exploring next ;).]

***

I have been single now for the better part of three years. There have been a few men come into and out of my life, some incredibly significant, but none for more than a few months at a time. Not since before I began my awakening journey [and by began I mean I was sort of kicked in the face by circumstance and then tumbled down into a whole new world as a result 😅]. My journey home, began as a result of recognition of how poorly I was loving myself, and what had unfolded prior to that moment, was severe enough, that I was finally seeing that something had to change. I was ready to do something different. It was also a big reckoning, facing how I was allowing men into my life that hurt me, that couldn’t authentically love me or see me; partly because they weren’t grounded in themselves, and partly because I wasn’t grounded or in a particularly loving relationship with myself. I didn’t really know who I was at an intimate level.

And where I started from, was a numb and dissociated place. I had been totally disconnected from my body for most of my life, but it had reached never levels after the relationship I had been in took me to some places that I just couldn’t handle. It was too much. So when that relationship ended, in February of 2017, I didn’t feel— couldn’t feel anything really. Too much had happened. All I knew was that the plan I had made, the moves I had made in alignment with that version of myself, were blown to shreds and I had to come up with a new plan; I had to find a new me, but the old me had to die before I could do anything else…

And i’ve been burning down and rebuilding ever since.

I’ve done a lot of work around clearing out the barriers, the stories and beliefs and fears; the trauma around experiences from my past. For example, it wasn’t until an experience with a partner—where I actually felt safe enough with him to rest into the space and be present with myself— that I recognized in contrast how unsafe [emotionally] I had felt in so many other experiences of intimacy before him. [That one in particular led me down a deep rabbit hole I’m still exploring]. And it’s threads of awareness like that, that I have spent a lot of time witnessing and reflecting on. Myself and how I show up; what I have expected of men and from love. What transactional give and take I thought was love and partnership. The power struggles we witness and learn to engage in that don’t actually feel good to anyone, but are so prevalent in most interactions that we don’t know there is any other way, and often don’t even recognize why we are always feeling lack and defensiveness or just depleted by relationships. Breaking down the misinformation and finding what is true for me, and the love I want to show up for and participate in.

Witnessing my attachments to how someone showed up for me and the way in which I would latch onto those who were only capable of providing scraps; scraps that I accepted out of some deeper unconscious fear that it was all I was ever going to get. Out of fear that nobody would every really see me [all of me], and not just love me, but stay and build and grow with me. And accepting the scraps as reinforcement of my inherent unworthiness, a way to prove that I was right about myself all along; to hurt myself. Yuck. It never feels awesome to acknowledge these cycles and patterns, but these are the stories and experiences I have witnessed that were driving so much of my behaviors and reactions, and they are important for me to keep a pulse on, so that I know when fear is creeping in. When the instinctual urge to armor up and run away or latch onto someone comes on, I can notice it as an indicator for me that i’m feeling threatened and a beautiful opportunity for me to pause and notice what it is that i’m thinking about—and to discern whether something is actually wrong in the moment [my intuition speaking to me], or if i’m just assimilating from some past experience.

One experience, one present moment at a time…

There was a lot of gunk in the way of me seeing myself clearly. As is life and the case for most of us. And as a result, I was hiding myself in so many ways I could never see clearly. Unavailable is a pattern I recognized I was playing out over and over and over again. I was constantly attracted to men that weren’t able or willing to show up for me. Even the ones who I knew and know love me deeply, still cannot meet for more than short bits of time. And that isn’t about me, but I have accepted it because that was the only sort of love I had experienced from men in my life— those who loved me the best that they could, but were never taught themselves how to love and thereby held me at arms length or attempted to manage and control me for their comfort. I see now how I internalized that, made it about me and my shortcomings, or my “too muchness”, and time and again, invited those sort of men into my space energetically as it was the level of love I was familiar with, even if it wasn’t nourishing, or didn’t feel particularly safe. I wasn’t sure that anything better would come along…

It was comfortable— even if it kept me striving and attached and always chasing, trying to be enough and not too much all at the same time, so that they would stay. So they wouldn’t leave me. So I wouldn’t be alone.

And then there is this truth:

Unavailable was/is also safe, because it will never require me to have to deepen and hit the layers that soul shaking love has a tendency to rip open when standing in front of the mirror of other. I chose [still on some level choose] unavailable men, because I can blame them when they leave— whatever their reason, even when I know now that it isn’t really about me— and I get to stay safe in my little hiding place. With all my theories and ideas. With all my awareness. That last little corner of coping— where little me hides out and holds onto with a tight grasp— as it is my last line of defense against the inevitable death that fear says will come if I let someone shine light in that space; if they stay long enough to expose my hiding space. And yes, i’m calling myself the out, because well, maybe it’s part full moon energy, and maybe because i’m really finally ready to dive into new depths, a new chapter. Shedding old barriers to come home deeper. It’s time. My ego will never be ready for it, [it sort of hates me for writing this], but I can feel it in my bones that it’s precisely what I need. An undressing that has nothing to do with clothes, but is a far more intimate and exposed kind of naked..

I have chosen to face that pattern down, and day by day explore what it is I have believed about myself on an unconscious level; and in the awareness, I have gone about the work of changing my behaviors and the way I show up in potential intimate relationships. Being less judgmental and more loving toward myself for choices I made in the past, and speaking shame out loud so it doesn’t own me any longer— so I can be in my truth. And I have learned a lot. I see a lot. And it’s been a humbling, challenging and beautiful path to really come home to myself and develop a reverence for this big, big love I possess. This love that I have always wanted to share with others, but never really knew how.

It’s also been a path to reclaiming pleasure— learning how to witness and feel and open myself to exploring it. Through learning to sit with the intensity my own and not escaping out of my body; acknowledging what it is that I desire and that there is no shame in my having desires; reclaiming my body as a sacred space to be witnessed and experienced and revered— not for a man’s entertainment or ego—and learning to separate a familiar union of love and grief constantly existing simultaneously where it need not. And so much more I don’t have the time to explore today. Through this, i’ve also come to understand what at the core it is that I want from a partner, if I am to step into that arena with a man. The kind of partnership I desire…

And the main requirement [don’t love that word, but can’t think of another more fitting at the moment], is that if you want to step into my space… if you want to know me and experience me [in every sense of the word] then you must be able to witness and hold space for yourself. You have to be able to be present with and take responsibility for your being, in order to be invited into my inner sanctum; my sacred space. [Or at the very least, be ready to do the work to clear out all the barriers to self that currently don’t allow you to see you].

And why is this a “rule”?

Simple. I crave depth; it’s where I live, so surface transactions are never satisfying to me. And the most nourishing and pleasurable thing I have experienced in the presence of a man, is that recognition that he is able to hold me, not just in his arms, but he can hold the intensity of my being, with a love and reverence. He can witness me in my everything. And not just witness, but appreciate and empower it. He has to be a man that desires growth, and is ready [as one ever is] to be seen in his truth. Not necessarily without fear or insecurity, as we are all human and feel fear and insecurity, but a willingness and courage to stand in the discomfort of that vulnerability. Simple and not easy. This I know. I also know, that this way of being is not for everyone. And thats ok, no judgement. This is the space that I feel the safest and have the capacity to deepen even further into areas unexplored within self. This is how trust and thereby intimacy has a chance to be built.

And the way we can clearly see and feel true, authentic connection, to know what is “for” us and what is not, is through that same presence and awareness of self— a knowledge of what our individual needs are, what our non-negotiables are, and thereby allows a freedom to step into a space with other and honor self and communicate clearly what is ok, what isn’t; making a decision from that clear and present place whether we are a good fit or not. Creating space for less attachment and ego and more authentic connection.

Another “why” I realized through experience, was that there is nothing that feels more lonely, than physically being in the presence of someone, who is so stuck in the stories of their past and their future— their projections and fear and insecurities— that they cannot be in the room with me. I have had a few experiences like that, one in particular comes to mind where I felt how my body literally felt like I was in danger, nauseous even, when I had a mans arms wrapped around me that was stuck in his own inner dialogue. He wasn’t actually dangerous, he was a lovely, caring and warm human being. And he was physically here, but he couldn’t see or witness me. And it felt awful. And that is why it’s so important, because I know that a body next to me, not only “doesn’t do it for me”, but it literally leaves me feeling hungover. [Trust i’ve tested this out and tried to convince myself I could compromise on it and learned my lesson. Energetic hangovers are a real thing. Yuck.]

I used to hold this attachment to the idea that I needed that masculine counterpart to be my safe place and without that I had no place I could put down the weight and just be, and I was wrong about that. That was actually an exhausting and disempowering belief. I had to heal my own wounds around my masculine energy, and learn to be intentional and follow through and hold space for my own feminine energy. Within me. Wholly. I had to find my sacred safe space within that I can access at any point. And I’m still doing the work with that, but just in recognizing and cultivating that has been a game changer.

[This is also a work in progress, as is any of this— there are always deeper depths and higher heights to reach if we choose to lean in.]

The realization that I had to make the space within me safe first, without anyone else and have a symbiotic relationship with my own energies has allowed me to step into a space with a man, without the attachment and neediness of him staying for me to be able to rest easy.

And in that recognition and separation of expectation and responsibility, I can be a clearer more open and receptive version of myself; can give other more space to breathe without the weight of my expectations hitting him like a ton of bricks. And I can acknowledge, that while I do absolutely miss having a man in my company, being held and touched and just resting and deepening in an intimate way with other, I am still whole without that. I can miss physical contact and intimacy and not feel empty or lacking without it. Thereby I don’t find myself contorting or compromising on my integrity— what feels nourishing and healthy and safe for me— for the sake of companionship. There is a liberation in this space.

And as it has become a bit of a mantra of mine: as within, so without.

I can hold space for all of me, and can do the same for other. That’s what i’m bringing to the table— all of me and full acceptance of other. So if i’m going to allow a man into my physical space, my body, my heart; if i’m going to pour into him, and give of myself, he has to have the capacity to both witness and receive; to sit with the tension and intensity of his own depths; of his own nuances and intensities— his own humanity— in order to do the same for all that comes along with me. He has to meet himself in order to meet me, in love.

When one can’t hold the space for self, then there will always be a barrier to how deeply they can meet another. And my days of metaphorically screaming to be seen and heard and understood are over. As are my days of twisting myself in knots or stifling my fullness to make others more comfortable. Anyone being less than everything that they are, especially when driven by fear, does the world a disservice. I’m not here for that.

So where am I in this moment?

I am open. I am calling that man into my space. One who is ready meet me. And when he shows up, there isn’t a series of tests to be passed or some obstacle course he must go through. It’s simple. Presence and ability to take ownership of what is his to manage and the ability to sit with himself [projection and self-escape I am not here for]. Boundaries go both ways, and are a beautiful thing to be honored. I know what is ok with me and what isn’t and I will gladly share that up front and hold space for and respect boundaries in other. And hold compassionate space for myself and other as we stumble through this thing called relationship and intimacy. Communication and kindness and an openness to be messy and human and unsure and learn and grow together; called up in love. Open and curious to see what can unfold from that foundation…That’s where I am and where I want to be.

***

Day 15/28: Wow, I’m over the halfway mark with this writing challenge, and this one was a lot more than I ever expected to come out in one evening. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me on this marathon. But here we are. I have spent a lot of time attempting to write about love and intimacy and where i’m at with it in the past, and it has always just sort of felt stuck; I wasn’t able to go there with myself. So it’s a bit uncomfortable putting it out there, where I have been, who I have been, but more so who I am now and stating what it is that I want. There is resistance in expressing it, but it’s about that time, so yea. This is incomplete as so many expressions are and always will be, and as it relates to everything I said around what I desire, the harder things to describe are around attraction, as there are subtleties, as it relates to attraction that I can’t explain, it’s either there or it’s not. I either feel called to lean in and let go or don’t and I know pretty quickly. My body tells me clearly. And part of this clearing out process is so that when myself and another step into the arena and meet one another to see what can grow from that initial spark...we can do so from a place of individual truth, and thereby can honor self first and then decide to keep leaning in from there if it is in alignment with that self truth.

And {full transparency}: I haven’t met many men in general in the last few years as i’ve been doing my own inner work, especially not that the spark of attraction is there, and even less that I’ve gotten the opportunity to lean into the discomfort of putting all these abstract and solo recognitions into action… so the hardest part for me is that I’m a 35 year old woman, experiencing like a 14 year old all over again, just beginning to explore relationship and what that means, because I’m doing something familiar from a totally different paradigm and different version of myself than I’ve done it for the last 20 years of my life; so while I know what I want, i’m still awkward AF when something promising steps into my space. Oh the humbling lessons in being human; growth is fun [*insert playful eye roll here*].

Thank you again if you’ve made it this far today, and especially if you’ve been tuning in every day to see what sort of madness comes tumbling out of me. I appreciate you and sending you so much love and energy on this big full moon evening.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{matriarch}

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Sagittarius

I spent some time this evening with my grandmother.

She is 89 years old and I had this realization on my drive home, that there are only a handful of times in my adult life that I have willingly gone to spend time with her one on one [without some family event as the catalyst]. I’ve judged myself as being a “bad” grandchild, and felt a guilt that I had a hard time bringing her in close to me. I felt sad that I didn’t ever really know how to connect with her, and found myself not even really wanting to for a long time, and I could never put my finger on why that was.

And it’s only been in the last few years I realized: Trust. I didn’t trust her. I’ve done a lot of unpacking around my resentments and distrust of those who I know love me the best that they can, but it’s taken years of this coming home journey to open myself up to build trust and true relationship with certain people in my life, and especially the women in my family. Because while it was they who I rationally know showed me the most love, and never shied away from telling me exactly how much they loved me—there was a part of me, part south node in 8th House Scorpio [karma to work through around trust and betrayal as a whole in this life] —and then part “little me”, that carried a perception— a story and distrust—that they didn’t protect me; that they stayed out of the line of fire and let me take the heat to protect themselves[the un-mothered mothers— if you haven’t heard of this concept and it just grabbed your attention—read The Ugly Duckling story in “Women Who Run With the Wolves”] … that’s the story my inner child has been carrying around as armor for 30+ years and projected out to keep me on guard and at a “safe” distance from them.

And there is more story there, that maybe i’ll dig into at a later time, but for now, I want to talk about the contrast of what i’m experiencing now, after 20 years of feeling a huge gap between my grandmother and myself and how we are finding our way back to each other, truly meeting for the first time.

One of the best shifts that have come as a byproduct of my coming home to myself— showing up for and as fully me as I can be— is that it has opened the door for those old resentments to be healed and moved out of the way so I can see others clearly and begin to build trust and healthy relationships; especially with those who have always loved me and tried to show me that love in the ways that they knew how—even when I didn’t know how to recognize and receive it.

The bridge I had to cross to meet them was accepting their love without attachment and clearing the way of the hurt I had harbored beneath the surface for so much of my life. It had to be acknowledged [as irrational and gross as it felt to do so], witnessed and processed in order to move it’s way through—in order to make space for a more true, and pure love to flood in. This has been a hard and humbling process for me; one I have leaned into begrudgingly with more projection, blame and “poor me” narratives than any other relationships…

…And then there are boundaries. I had to start setting and holding boundaries from a place of love and integrity, in all areas of my life; around what was ok and not ok for me— and holding those as an act of love, compassion and belonging to myself above all else. Nobody gets exemption from that, including family. Boundaries are the hardest. Especially those that you have decades of history of being a certain way with— it’s a process of stumbling a lot in order to eventually find sure-footing, after face-planting a few times— but it gets easier over time; and i’ll just leave it at that.

It also helps— the clearing space and the forgiveness and the boundaries— it allows me to see them as the perfectly, imperfect humans, doing the best they can— and recognize and accept my own reflection in them.

There is an acceptance that comes; of the truth that none of us get out of our childhoods without some wounds and stories turned beliefs that shape how we show up in the world; that there is trauma we pass along, generation after generation, and when it doesn’t get brought to the surface to be healed, it festers and creates unseen, yet felt wounds that continue to be passed along and played out on those around us and absolutely affects how we love and relate to one another. Acceptance comes when judgement and shame begin to leave the building… when we can begin to see it as it is, instead of how we still judge it should be [or how we would have preferred it to have been], and how powerless we have felt as a result of that which was mostly out of our control to begin with.

And where we reclaim our power amidst all of that which is out of our control: it’s in our decisions— what we do with these experiences. We either face them or we bury them; Lean into the discomfort and pain of processing that which has been festering, or escape and avoid. And I have to say, I have some badass warrior women in my family who at all ages and stages in life, are standing in the discomfort of facing things about self and humanity, love and relationship; things that happened a long time ago, yet affect the way in which they relate to the world around them. And they continually choose growth; they show up for a chance at deeper connection and more truth.

Brave, badass women I come from. 

This is a work in progress, and i’m definitely not there yet…I feel this is going to be a lifelong journey; but in taking the steps, leaning into the vulnerability of trust, the reward is i’m already seeing growth from these seeds that are being planted.

The beautiful thing about knowing my truth is that I can speak about these things, openly with my her now and I feel less and less resistance to allowing her close to me. The more I accept and affirm myself, the easier it is to take the risk of showing her who I am. And the reward is that I can also see and get to know her. And in all of this, as space is cleared, there is room for forgiveness. There is grace in this clearing.

And it’s opening the door for me to see all the beautiful things about her. She is an unbelievably resilient, resourceful and hardworking woman. A woman who was once a young girl who lost her mother too young, and never really had a safe space or home to call her own as she was passed along amongst family until she got married as a young woman. A girl who was only allowed to go to school until 4th grade (because her stepmother lied to her father and she was punished and he refused to send her any longer). Who is left-handed [like me] but being born in 1931, and in school not too many years later when they believed that left handed people were the devil or something ridiculous like that, and was forced to learn how to write right-handed, and now is ambidextrous. Who was acting as mother and father in her household for 6 years to my father and his older sister when my grandfather went to France to work [as he sent money home to them in Portugal]. Who fought for her children— got her family sponsored and visas and immigrated to the United States when my father was 12, so they would have a chance at more than was possible in Portugal, a chance for them to go to college. Who learned a new language, built a business and new home, all after the age of 40 as a means to continue to provide for her family.

She left behind the known and started over, again and again.

She is smart, curious and creatively gifted; has been a seamstress for over 70 years that creates beautiful clothing [and still can’t quite understand why I intentionally cut holes in my jeans, but she has finally given up asking why with me 😂]. She does all the things. And she loves her family fiercely. And her love language is constantly trying to feed us all the food.

And there is so much more she is capable of and so much she still wants to accomplish. Tonight she said to me “I’m a dreamer, and I constantly think, what I want to do tomorrow and next month, and next year… and I’m so old, but I still have so much I want to do and learn”.

She has many stories to tell. So many memories. I swear, she remembers things that happened 75 years ago and I can’t remember what I did last week.

I wonder, had she been born in another time, with more freedom as a woman, as the dreamer she is, who knows what she would have created, though, she has created a lot despite those societal barriers.… and there is so much more I don’t know, because for years I couldn’t get past my resentment and fear and bring myself to stand close enough to her to witness. This is something I am actively working to change.

I realize that I have always wanted in theory to be close with her, but felt blocked. And the cool thing is, that now, as her and I both get more honest about life and the way things were and the way they are different now, we are slowly but surely meeting each other, really for the first time. And it feels different. It feels, still a little uncomfortable, but full of potential. 

I couldn’t meet her in this space— a space of openness and receptivity— until I got out of my own way. And I also needed to speak things to her, that aren’t easy for me. But because I have, and because it’s my truth, She accepts me as I am. And what I have found, is she is a better listener than I ever gave her credit for. We both needed to make amends for ways that we had projected out onto the other. And that is happening, one conversation at a time.

And now that I have let her know how stifling it is to have her projections of who she thinks I should be [based on who the world told her for years she needed to be as a woman], or what she thinks I should be worried about [as a result of her fears and worries], she gives me more space to breathe, and subsequently we both breathe a bit easier, and our conversations get a bit deeper; with more listening, more love— more trust.

I didn’t realize that so much of my frustration for all these years came from the feeling that everyone had this idea of who I was, but never really stopped and looked closely enough to see beneath the surface, never truly saw me or knew me. So there were a lot of assumptions, or a comfort in how I did show up, but it was never me. And that was the part that felt so lonely, so unsafe. And it goes both ways. But in finding me, I’m finding my way to connections within a space that I always have desired but never knew before how to bridge that gap. I didn’t realize that all it really requires is love and a willingness to be fully and unapologetically me and giving others the opportunity and loving space to do the same.

This is about my relationship with my grandmother. And it’s about a bigger, deeper healing that is taking place.

Women coming together, from different generations, remembering how to relate to one another. Sharing stories. Getting honest and raw about what it’s like being a woman in this world, and how that has shifted over time. Breaking down the acceptance of what we “should be grateful for” while the world has done its best to tame us, and bit by bit, shedding the false skin we’ve been wearing, so we can see the true beauty and magic of the wild, creative spark, the life force that lives in our bones and cannot be stripped from us.

Tonight I spent time with the matriarch of my family. We shared space, we talked about relationships— marriage, divorce, family; curiosities about what happens to us after we die and how the Holy Spirit [how she resonates] or Divine [as I prefer to refer to this big energy] lives through us; religion vs. spirituality; the challenges of being human.

A few tears were shed.

And I am feeling full— for this time was nourishing in a way that I can’t describe and I feel hopeful that I will get to know and share more, about the powerhouse of a woman packed in a 5”1’ frame, that is my grandma Maria.

***

Day 10/28: I don’t have much to say other than, i’m grateful for the unfolding that is happening in my life in this present season. It’s too much to describe, and i’m attempting to in these little daily chunks. And I can’t wait to look back on this at some time in the future and witness from the distance how much life can happen in such a short period of time if we are just willing to lean into our fears and take it all in. There is so much juice to this life in the seemingly small moments. I am grateful for this day, for your presence here; for how much is truly possible when we are willing to open ourselves to all that we don’t know. This. Life. Is. Wild. And beautiful. And messy AF. And magical.

Have a beautiful evening, beautiful humans… I’ll see you soon.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

A W E N

First Quarter Moon in Scorpio

“Awen is the thread that connects us to that life force. When we connect in good relationship to the world around us, those threads shimmer with awen, with inspiration. We know that we are a part of the web, wholly and utterly connected. When we feel that connection with other beings, soul to soul, and our sense of self lessens, we are inspired by that connection. We then think of ourselves less, and our perception opens out to a wider perspective on the world, one that is more inclusive rather than just our own self-centred point of view. We become a thread in the web… Awen helps us to see beyond ourselves, and perhaps paradoxically to allow us to see ourselves in everything.”

-Joanna van der Hoeven via: http://torstone.org/featured-articles/the-awen

***

Yesterday I was triggered emotionally during a challenging conversation with a person that I care very deeply for. [check out yesterday’s post if you want some background]

And last night, I processed and did my best to just allow whatever emotions to be there and move their way around and out [emotions, after all, are just energy that want to move]. I was a witness to the stories I was creating [that were doing their best to pull me away from me]; the projections of blame or the ways in which I was misunderstood or rejected— how it couldn’t have been my fault or it was all my fault [I tend to swing between those extremes for a bit before I can find the balance point of truth]. And then I went to bed, tired and a bit emotionally spent after a few good, intense cries. I didn’t judge it, I didn’t force a resolution to it. I just let it be and move.

And then, I woke up this morning, on this watery Scorpio first quarter moon, day three of my cycle, feeling more in my body than I had been in weeks. The intense release catalyzed by a challenging situation dropped me right into the space that was created by allowing that big energy to move.

I went about my day, had a good laugh and chat with my friend/badass barista/inspiring creative/all around awesome human at my local coffee shop and had a slow and gentle day [this was my day off after a weekend of client work]. I drank my coffee, enjoying every delicious bite of the protein brownie that I ordered with my too many shots of espresso. I read a book i’ve been slowly picking my way through and allowed a powerful story to move me to tears [yes in public] and at the crescendo of the story, “River” by Leon Bridges came on my Spotify playlist— and I allowed myself to pause, close my eyes and allow the lyrics and the melody to sweep me along as I physically swayed to the rhythm. I came home to a surprise gift on my doorstep, sent by my dear sweet sister, Natalie, and upon opening it was moved to more tears of unfiltered gratitude for such a generous gesture.

This was a pleasurable day for me. Tuned into the subtleties of my internal tempo. Responding to the world around me from an embodied, open and loving space. Catalyzed by an intense and uncomfortable conversation and subsequent “negative” emotions that sparked an intense emotional response. I slowed down and allowed myself to be done—allowed my day to flow instead of manically doing to avoid feeling.

And because I was open to lean into a challenging conversation—because I was able to hold space for sadness and feelings of anger and rejection to be and move through me— I created space for more love, more joy, more sensitivity to subtle beauty in my present environment to flood into my awareness and ignite my senses in a simple and delicious way. Sweet beautiful contrast.

This is living intentionally, in loving relationship: with myself and the world around me.

I share this in an attempt to paint a picture of what becomes possible, what depths of being we have the capacity to access, when we allow ourselves the space, of curiosity, non-judgement and radical honesty to witness the all-ness of our humanity.

It is a spectrum. One most of us were taught was dangerous to swing to the edges of. One we fight, repress and reject in our attempts to be “right” and “good” [which at the core is the instinctive desire to be safe, being the social creatures we are— and is a hindrance to our being fully expansive beings].

Do I like having challenging conversations with loved ones? No.

But do I think they are bad or wrong or regret them? No.

Because even when I don’t show up in my highest capacity, even when i’m reactive and not present; when I allow fear to run the show for just long enough to wince at what comes out of my mouth, or when I want to lose my shit on someone who I both love dearly and want to throttle some days— I am now at a point in my life where I can accept my humanity for what it is: imperfect, intense, often times irrational. And my emotional states are all a part of a greater cycle that are designed to ebb and flow, guiding me deeper into a beautiful trusting and soul-full relationship with myself.

I don’t judge the experience as my being bad or good or in this case, him being right or wrong, I witness the experience and what it brought up in me and work through the charge that is living in my body, asking to be tended to.

Do I run around wildly reacting and projecting on the world around me? No.

I take time to process, do my best to see objectively the role I played and where I could have shown up better, been more loving or compassionate; I acknowledge what I was feeling in reaction to the other persons response to me so I can understand what it was that was upsetting me. I question the beliefs or old stories that I was tying to the current experience and decide if it’s the same thing, or just fear telling me a story of the imaginary danger i’m in.

And then I make the next best decision I can from a place of presence and what feels in the highest good in this moment, from my internal power place; from my truth.

The key to this is presence and awareness and a capacity to sit with self through moments of discomfort. I haven’t always been able to hold space for this so I know the contrast and what the judgement of being “wrong” or imperfect does to keep us in cycles that don’t serve us. I know how crushing this type of experience can be— how dangerous it can feel because of how deep the conditioning runs and how the rest of the world currently responds to authentic humanity as a whole—I really get it. Most of the world hasn’t done the work of coming home to self and accepting our inherent humanity. I know this, because it is not only what I support others in unlocking within their own journey, but it has also been my consistent self-work for the better part of the last 5 years. This is coming home. And I see everywhere I look the unnecessary suffering as a result of avoidance and rejection of self.

So I get that this journey into the unknown can be really isolating and scary without a lot of examples of how to walk the walk. It takes courage to step into the dark and stumble around. But the beautiful truth in it all, is whether we know it or not in this moment, we all have the capacity to hold the tension of the paradox of being spiritual beings having a human experience. We have everything we need inside of us to hold space for our emotional spectrum and choose the responses that best represents who we are, our integrity and values, moment to moment. We have the capacity to set boundaries that make it very clear what is ok for us, and what is not. And we have the capacity to hold strong on those boundaries as that is truly what enables us to be open-hearted, compassionate, whole beings showing up in the world… It’s all there for us. We just have to dive in and make our way back, to remember what is innately and divinely ours.

It is not easy work to get there. It’s incredibly confronting. And you will mess up a lot, you will fall on your face— more than you want to ever acknowledge or imagine, and there is perfection in that because that is how we learn; it’s how we grow. And it is how we create a space to enable to cultivating and nourishment of the relationships we deeply and inherently desire— both with self and with others.

This is a microcosm of the larger and necessary transition that the collective is calling out for even if they don’t consciously know it by name. It’s the shift from transactional interacting to relationships. From economy to ecosystem. This is about cultivating relationship.

In order to receive another and accept and grow to trust them— build solid, safe and unconditionally loving relationships— we have to be able to accept that others are imperfect and messy: they are human. In order to accept that in others, we first have to hold space for and accept that within ourselves. And in order to get to that point, we have to be able to witness and feel our humanity. All of it. We have to learn to sit with the tension of the courageous vulnerability required to go to the depths of being and excavate the truth that’s been there all along.

Awen is a state of being, experienced through a clarity that only conscious awareness can hold the capacity for.

And this is why I say I am grateful for the challenges like I had last night, because without them, I would not be able to push against the edges of my comfort zone. Without the loving relationship cultivated with this other human— that has taken time and had it’s ups and downs, but at the core is built on a deep trust and respect for one another— there would not have been a space to be opened to experience confrontation that neither of us is particularly comfortable with. That space gave us the liberty to both be reactive and recognize we can survive; allowed us to experientially learn that just because we disagree, or one or both of us is triggered or hurt, our mutual love is unconditional. Even when we don’t like the other very much in the moment.

The part I didn’t share with you last night, was while I was charged amidst the conversation and I left it feeling a bit on fire from the inside, we also held a respect for one another as we each acknowledged our defenses and miscommunications. We expressed gratitude for the other[me a little begrudgingly, but I was doing the best I could in that moment] and said goodbye with love. I had my own work to do after to sort through the response I was feeling in my body, but again, that was mine to sort through. And as i’ve already described, that process of taking ownership of my own experience, led me deeper into me; reminded me as reinforcement that I can survive a challenging conversation with a man I care for without the world ending [deep irrational abandonment fears come on strong and need some reinforcement to prove they aren’t true sometimes]. And it opened a space for deeper embodiment to flood in so I could experience today at a depth that wasn’t accessible the day before. It was hard and it was ok.

Trust comes from experience, and patience and standing in through the discomfort and accepting humanity—being able to witness the self in other. We are all connected. We all breathe and sleep and bleed. We all feel. And we have forgotten this on the surface level. This is where awen comes in. Intentionally building and standing in the discomfort of the vulnerability of relating with self and one another. This is where we must move if we want to create a world where there instead of being in constant conflict with one another we can begin to bring others in closer; holding space, in love, for all. We must build relationship.

“For awen to exist, there must be a relationship. We cannot be inspired unless we are open, and we cannot be open unless we have established a relationship, whether that is with the thunder, the blackbird or a god.  It is cyclical in nature; we open and give of ourselves and in doing so we receive, and vice versa. Letting go, releasing into that flow of awen allows it to flow ever more freely, and we find ourselves inspired not only in fits and bursts of enlightenment or inspiration but all the time, carrying that essence of connection and wonder with us at all times.” 

-Joanna van der Hoeven via: http://torstone.org/featured-articles/the-awen

“Power In Your Hands” via IG @ameyasrealm; print available on https://ameyasrealm.com/

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Day 8/28 {Being} moved: Sometimes I have to wander blindly for a bit to figure out where it is i’m going. This piece was a wandering journey that I, full transparency, have not enjoyed [the writing today that is]. I wanted desperately for it to be a short, quick and to the point expression so I could go about my evening. That didn’t happen. This is the practice and challenge of this challenge. Following the calls I’m getting in the present moment and seeing where they take me. Amidst it all, the theme, the thread that felt inspired to pull today, is “awen” . I’m grateful I stuck with it, through my resistance to find the point my heart wanted to express tonight. I’m continuing to learn about myself day in and day out. What a beautiful wild confusing mess this all is ;)

Today I am overwhelmed with love, and inspired by the generosity and fierce grace of the beautiful beings in my life. My sisters, my family, my soul mates. And special shout out to my soul sister, who was the first DM I saw in the morning that started off with “I just read your post- who do we need to hex?” 🤣🤣🤣{she was joking, but I felt good to know she had my back}. And with that, it’s almost midnight and I may or may not turn into a pumpkin or something like that, so I will say goodnight. As always, deep thanks to you being here, reading my words, following along with my journey of reflecting in response to the world around me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,