a new layer; exposed

a companion piece to “descent into darkness”

⫷♀︎⫸

“Though her soul requires seeing, the culture around her requires sightlessness. Though her soul wishes to speak its truth, she is pressured to be silent.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés, "Women Who Run With the Wolves

Fighting with my darkness.

I’ve been hiding. While I am perpetually inviting others to embrace the beauty of their whole spectrum of humanity— and I truly believe in that— still on some level, i’ve feared and resisted my own. I’ve held back authentic expressions of the depths and edges I can’t stifle, can’t avoid. I have been [maybe noticeably, maybe not] absent, on social media, with my newsletter and my expressions here; everywhere really—other than my local coffee shops, because hey, I still need some human interaction.

I’ve been MIA, In part it’s because my brain was not cooperating to put my many feelings and thoughts into form; another part of it has been that i’ve felt overwhelmed, overstimulated and just didn’t want to engage with the world. But then there is something else…

I have felt the internal groan of “ugghhh, not another gloomy, moody expression about the underworld, depths, depression, how untethered and uninspired I feel”— since that is basically what I have felt to express almost every time I sit down to put pen to paper over the last year or so. And I have felt like a broken record. Repeating over and over the most intensely uncomfortable track. And the narrative of “nobody wants to hear this story line again” has been staring me down as it plays on repeat in the background of my mind.

And maybe you don’t want to hear it; but that’s not really the point. The point is I have allowed it to keep me from sharing the full, unfiltered truth about the landscapes I have been traversing. And because as I will share in a moment, I have been getting what I asked for, a loving, present and grounded man who wants to do this life dance together— all in—and I love and trust him… and i’m still not “good”.

I’m still struggling to feel a deep sense of connection with myself or other. In actuality, i’m facing, more aggressively the recognition of how little I trust and allow myself to be vulnerable; how unsafe I think i’ve always felt—especially in intimacy—but i’m just noticing it now. And that feels challenging [understatement]. It brings up a lot of deep grief and a lot of questions. And one of those questions is “what is missing?”, meaning what parts of me are not functioning that would otherwise allow me to feel safe, connected and satisfied with life— and where have they gone?

I’ll tell you what, it’s not a fun space to be sitting in. So while I haven’t shared the whole truth, avoidance has been the go to because i’m not about to be up in here not being real. But with the avoidance of expressing I’ve found myself in a more chaotic space in my mind where the judgement and shame run rampant. And that’s a problem. By not expressing, i’ve felt more stuck, more confused and then more judgement—of the stuckness, confusion and judgement. In other words making it worse— because if you didn’t already know: what you resist, persists.

I have avoided sharing the fullness of the dark and twisty places my imagination conjures

because I don’t want people to worry about me, or ask if i’m ok, or get sick of me— in my seeming inability to be inspirational and hopeful; as though I need to balance the emo vibes with some form of positivity or certainty or wisdom in the face of uncertainty.

And in the midst of the unwraveling i’ve been going through—i’ve on some level been operating from an old story that goes a little something like: in order to be acceptable, in order for there to be anyone left once the fog clears, I can’t share all of it, it’s too much.

So i’ve withdrawn. And frankly, i’ve been sick of myself; sick of feeling the sadness and grief of lifetimes being exposed and pouring out. Sick of feeling broken and unable to show up in certain areas of my life. And afraid that if I give myself freedom to just share whatever is bouncing around in my mind, who knows what the hell might come out— and that feels a bit dangerous [hello fear of letting go of control, I see you].

Layers of armor are being peeled away to reveal a lot of hurt and fear and uncertainty, showing me things i’ve never been able to see about myself. These experiences are the reckoning i’m having to lean into the deeper I descend. And i’ve not been graceful or grateful about it. I’ve just wanted it to be over.

The thing is, I know that there is nothing actually wrong with where I am; nothing wrong with who I am. And still in the status quo of society it feels unacceptable and as though there is no space that can hold the fullness of me. And even more so— in my body, in memories that feel ingrained in my DNA, it feels dangerous to lean in and explore these spaces. This is something that I have held back on expressing because I judged myself for not being able to be past it, and also didn’t want to scare people away from this work, but I think there are a few really important things to bring in here about this.

The first, is that just because we know our shit— meaning just because we have awareness— doesn’t mean we are magically healed/done with it.. try to give yourself some grace in that there is a lot of unlearning to do before we can learn new, healthier and more sustainable ways of being; and your awareness is a gift, even when it feels like it would be so much better to go back to being blind to it— and I say this with love— it isn’t, better or possible, and acceptance is a much less painful path, I know from experience.

The second thing: we all have trauma, whether it’s our lived experiences, or what has been handed off unhealed to us—and whether or not we remember or have repressed it. I believe that part of our life’s work is about taking ownership of our own healing, without shame or blame or feeling like there is something wrong with us— and holding space for other people to be as messy and clunky and unsure through these layers of healing as we are going to be.

And the third is a loving reminder, for myself and for you: when we have been traumatized, when we carry trauma in our bodies— either from our actual lived experience, our past lives, or that which has gone unhealed and passed along generationally— it’s not as simple as doing the “right things”; meditation, therapy, etc— we have to peel back the layers of conditioned trauma response and be willing to “risk” not operating from that place. And that requires an awareness of how we are reacting to our world— either from an open, compassionate place, or a guarded and hypervigilant, defensive place— and then we have to decide to do something different; to lean into the discomfort that feels dangerous in order to build new patterns that will allow ourselves to step out of the patterned stress response 24/7 to actually rest and digest and recharge and heal what is crying out for our attention.

And to do this we have to to find and/or create safe spaces—

both within our self and in our immediate environments in order to work to untangle the web of habitual trauma/stress/survival response [when it is the type of response that has us constantly on guard] — otherwise we are consistently re-traumatizing and reinforcing to our nervous system that are in fact not safe.

Accepting that we are vulnerable and that we cannot control the world around us, and all that we can control is how we show up and how we react; and then do the best we can with whatever comes up. Whew, no big deal right?

[I hope it’s not lost in translation that i’m being cheeky here, this is big, big brave and confronting work and I understand why we do our best to avoid it, and also hold deep reverence for how necessary and urgent it is that more of us take this journey.]

And with all of that, I think of society and the mirror it’s holding up to me— how much of our authentic, full spectrum feeling has been repressed, not discussed or even acknowledged and the obsession with “looking at the bright side”; how much trauma has gone unhealed and passed along under the “we don’t talk about that” blanket statement— without any mention of how damaging to our physical, emotional and spiritual well being this avoidance is.

And the gut punch for me: the recognition that on some level i’ve been filtering out of the same resistance and rejection I’m seeing out in the world around me— even though I know better; “oh hey societal conditioning, nice to see you again” [*insert eye roll*]

I talk about this and how I define the darkness more in “descent into darkness”, if you haven’t given that a read, you can find it here.

What I recognized just a few weeks ago, was part of the stuckness, the loop of feeling totally untethered and lost was because I haven’t allowed myself to express what is true for me. And the more I become familiar with myself I realize I have to do that for my whole well being; I have to show up, and I have to share where I am, who I am, regardless of who sees it, likes it, or agrees with it in order to find my way back to the other pieces of me that can’t— that won’t—feel safe to come out as long as I am rejecting these “less desirable” parts; a reclamation and healing of my relationship with, as Clarissa Pinkola Estés puts it in “Women Who Run With the Wolves” the “not-beautiful” aspects of my humanity— and showing up in them.

“What is the not-beautiful? Our own secret hunger to be loved is the not-beautiful. Our disuse and misuse of love is the not-beautiful. Our dereliction in loyalty and devotion is unlovely, our sense of soul-separateness is homely, our psychological warts, inadequacies, misunderstandings, and infantile fantasies are the not-beautiful. Additionally, the Life/Death/Life nature, which births, destroys, incubates and births again, is considered by our cultures the not-beautiful.”

— Clarissa Pinkola Estés; “Women Who Run With the Wolves”

As much as i’ve embraced my depths and dark, i’ve in equal measure judged, rejected and feared Her…

I have to honor it, honor these parts of myself and what I have judged as the “not-beautiful”; bring it in, hold it with love and acceptance if I ever want the deeply hurt little girl that lives in me, to come out of hiding; if I ever want to be able to give and receive love in a way that feels nourishing to me and those closest to me.

The inner battle that i’ve been waging is fucking exhausting.

And so, i’m going to lean in some more; to do my best to share more of this aspect of me. Meaning that wherever I am is where I am, even if it’s dark and twisty for weeks/months/years on end. If I ever want to liberate myself from the cages i’ve bound myself in, I need to stop hiding from you, but most importantly from me. I have to bring all of me forward for better or worse in order to accept me. To love and trust me. It’s not about “them out there”— not about you, the witness to this expression. It’s me. I have to accept the fullness of where I am in order to let myself out, to move through the stuck and heavy spaces into the safe and sacred space of full being.

On some level I haven’t left the tumultuous embrace of the darkness

For at least the last three years or so i’ve been learning how to recognize and swim in the depths I spent a lifetime not even realizing that I had been avoiding— after picking up along the way, the feeling that it was too much; that I was too much. It’s been an interesting journey, witnessing both, as I expand how I view it, and have begun to embrace it and revel in it while still fearing, resisting and on some level rejecting this vital aspect of my being.

And now as I type this i’m wondering if i’m ever meant to leave the darkness. Instead, maybe it’s the way I perceive and judge the darkness and a healthy integration that is the calling. My discomfort with it’s lessons and trials has left me battle weary, but how much of my fatigue is related to my resistance to surrender? How i’m perceiving the cycles are that make it so extra mucky. Maybe it really just sucks going through some of these seasons and lessons. And maybe thats just ok. But at the end of the day, the real is, that I am the depths. I am the darkness. And treating it as though it’s a place to conquer and then leave behind is really just trying to escape a part of myself;

fighting it and judging it is just resisting soul…

[*well shit— i’ve been wrestling with this expression for a few weeks and this came through as a realization during my editing process, so i’m real time processing with you here…bear with me…*]

So while I take a pause and *breathe* into what I just uncovered, i’ll invite you to take some time to reflect on what your relationship with your own “darkness” is, however you define that for yourself.

Do you find the same or different resistances to showing up authentically in the spaces you occupy?

Are there are parts of you that you are judging and repressing because of your fear that your world won’t accept you if you step into and take ownership of it?

And if that is hitting some spicy/resistant points in you, then I will nudge you to look a little deeper and see if it’s their rejection or your rejection? Is it your inner battle with these aspects of self that are a little less [or a lot less] comfortable? Or somewhere along the way did you pick up on the vibe that there was no space for this aspect of you?

Those are the spaces I would invite you to lean into, dare to witness and give some love to. This may include things like joy and pleasure as well, as they are some of the most vulnerable of the emotions that we are first to stifle in order to keep the other ones at bay. It you feel called out by this, then it’s for you, And I see you, I really do. In fact I know this all too well. And now that i’ve had a chance to recover from my little mini revelation, i[m going to dive into the layer, and territory i’ve been navigating in this very long season…

my current season of darkness//

a descent into acceptance and surrender; into love

The last 8 months have been a different sort of descent and definitely uncharted territory. I’ve been full on neck deep; in relationship. Getting exactly what I asked for in a man while simultaneously freaking the fuck out, because, well… he exists [wasn’t sure that was really gonna happen if i’m being honest] and now, I have to acclimate to what that means.

It has taken me to new depths, which on some level I knew were there, untapped, but in no way could I have been prepared for how confronting and disarming it’s been to be seen, witnessed and loved— at this capacity— and by someone who actually wants to be there; by a man who isn’t fighting or trying to control me every step of the way.

Why is this so damn confronting?

Well, all I have know before in partnership with men was resistance, walls, and a need on some level to guard myself against their advances on me as a result of me being considered a desirable woman. It’s been all about them and i’ve let it be, in fact that was what was comfortable. Feeling a compulsion to chase and hold on to someone for dear life, manically trying to prove to them how good I am, and accepting scraps of affection/attention while trying to convince myself that it was satiating my hunger;

feeling a need to play traffic cop but also this responsibility for their wants and desires [because you know society has basically told women forever— overtly and subtly— that they are objects here for the pleasure of men to be won or conquered, a paradox of both being revered as this sacred body while being scapegoated as dangerous and blamed for the shame of the world and our collective fall from grace; pedestalized and simultaneously judged by this standard of chastity or lack thereof, which of course is based mostly on whether or not a man has penetrated us— but I digress as thats a whole other conversation i’m not going to go into here].

There is also the pesky self judgement

My personal achilles heel. I have judged how much of my energy, focus and thoughts have been directed into the space of relationship. It has at times felt like a failure when I “should be focusing on building a business, creating my art, on making money”, etc. My desire to be connected bashing against the desire to “do it all myself”, independent woman and all. And i’ve felt the fear that I am going to lose myself— that which i’ve fought so hard to reclaim— in relationship… again.

There is so much fear present in my physical and emotional body. Fear of slipping away, stepping aside for another’s wants, needs— abandoning myself and merging with what they want. How my emotional and physical health will suffer as a result. It’s happened before… too many times. And that fear is an indication of my lack of trust. Of myself with other.

⫷For my astrology peeps this is a nod to my 7th house stellium (Sun in Libra, and Mercury, [Asteroid*] Lilith + Pluto in Scorpio) holding my feet to the coals of learning relationship and facing resistances to getting lost in the process, and then as a cherry on top of the metaphorical cake another little 3 car pileup in my 8th House— South Node + Saturn in Scorpio + Venus in Sagittarius— facing karma and current relationship to sex, death, transformation— distrust, betrayal and trauma [+ a lot of beef with the old patriarch, Saturn]. ⫸

Over the past few months, since being in this relationship, just having a man who communicates and brings presence and attention to me; who can witness me and hold space for me in intimacy— it’s bringing to the surface a lot of past life and ancestral memories of being violated— raped, beaten, not listened to, used as an object, and in one particularly visceral memory—taking my own life as the feeling of my only escape from the cages of my circumstances, after aforementioned rape, not being listened to and used as property to be traded. Let me tell you—it’s been a real doozy of a party up in here.

Not to mention the reckoning with the traumas that have happened in this life that I have done a lot of work on already, but facing the way that my body shuts down when people, but especially men come in close to me… it makes me angry, and sad and resentful of so many things and it’s been a lot of conflicting and intense emotions to sort through.

So all to say, relationships are fucking hard for me and intimacy is laced with land mines of all sorts of past trauma surfacing; and as beautiful as the container my partner holds for me is— and he has been amazing through all of it— it is the most vulnerable I’ve ever had to be. And I don’t really like it so much. But I need it, it’s what my soul agreed to and what i’ve been asking for.

Leaning into the fear of allowing myself to be that exposed, especially to a man is an exercise in conditioning my nervous system to just not freak out. That’s my measurement in success at the moment: can I let my partner hold me without shutting down. I know— quite a high bar i’ve set for myself [that was sarcasm btw, in case you didn’t pick up the subtext in that statement, but it is actually where I am]

Did I mention that the most beneficial cover that those unavailable men who resisted me provided, was the ability to never feel settled and safe enough to truly tap into my depths of vulnerability— to face the wounding that only having someone witnessing me with love and patience would bring to the surface?

Yea, brilliant survival strategy if I do say so myself.

And damn would it be easier to keep playing “woe is me” and standing on my moral high ground— by continuing to chase men who couldn’t/wouldn’t be there for me and therefore find myself in the familiar state of manic over-giving, putting their needs above my own and then absolutely being able to direct the blame at them for leaving.

I could do that, it definitely would feel safer.

But it would hurt me, as it always has. And I committed to doing no more harm to myself. I committed to coming home to myself, to face all that I hadn’t been able to when I was so focused on what everyone else was doing and trying to get them to stay. Plus, that’s not who I want to be or how I want to show up.

So, no I actually can’t do it anymore.

And so here I am, in the thick of this relating thing and it’s exposing depths of unhealed gunk that I couldn’t have known were residing in all sorts of corners of my being. And what i’ve come to believe amidst all of this, even as much as i’ve resisted and avoided and pouted about it?

We can only be reborn from the darkness if we allow it to destroy us. Surrender and stop attempting to control that which is not controllable, but instead meant to be witnessed with a healthy dose of reverence and awe for the force that it is. It’s work. And it’s beautiful. And i’m messy.

This is my current season of darkness. A new layer; exposed.

⫷♀︎⫸

Thank you for being here, reading this, in this life. I am so grateful for your witnessing.

If any of this expression brought anything up in you, I invite you to sit with it and give yourself an extra dose of compassion and love; just because you deserve it. It takes courage to see, to feel. And I see you.

There is a companion piece to this called “descent into darkness” that gives more context into how I define the darkness, the season I feel the collective is being called into and a bit about how we relate to it that can either be supportive to our healing or a hindrance to it. If you are interested in diving in, you can find “descent into darkness” here. Please share with anyone you feel needs these reflections and I would love to hear your reaction. Feel free to drop a note in the comments or send me an email: info@nicolettebernardes.com

If there is any way I can be of service as you navigate your own descent into self + soul, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. If you are interested in having space held for you to release and reconnect to self, you can schedule a session with me to guide you through this big work.

And regardless of where you are, I am sending you so much big love and the hope that you are feeling held and protected as you navigate this whole human experience!

Be well sweet human ❤︎

With gratitude and always love,

kind of {currency}

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

What if, tomorrow, everything changed, and money ceased to have any value— as in, it could no longer buy you anything—couldn’t get you anything— power, access, resources…

…and the new “currency” would be:

the depth of your presence;

the quality of your hugs;

the warmth and love that you meet people with; how you bring them in and hold space and witness them in their fullness;

how well you served your community;

how well you cared for the sacred vessel that is your body…

What if that became what made you wealthy? That’s what allowed you the lifestyle that you desire and ensured that you always had access to food and shelter and whatever else needed to survive and thrive?

What if that new currency created what would be defined as abundance in your life; if it were what the world at large determined to be the most valuable aspects of a person? [if we are going to imagine we are maintaining a hierarchy of human value in this new paradigm, of course.]

What would your net worth be?

And if the value of money were to disappear overnight, stopped being something that we used in exchange for what we want and need, would everything that you’ve been working towards still be worth it?

[The time, effort, energy that you’ve put into building, growing and saving for the vision you hold of the future. All you’ve sacrificed and compromised on— in the present— to get to that place where money is no longer something you have to think about or a barrier to the life you want to live.]

If it stopped being relevant tomorrow, how would you feel about the life you are currently living?

Would you feel like you’ve been wasting your time? Or would you still feel that what and where you’ve been spending your time, effort, and energy— what you’ve been working so hard to build [for the future]— still held value to you?

I’m curious— as a collective society— how many of us are doing something that is deeply meaningful to us. That holds intrinsic value, not just because it gives us the opportunity now [or potentially in the future] to have access to things like resources, shelter, food, or a certain coveted lifestyle, but because it feels in service in a way that is authentic to our soul. In other words it has a juice— an energy to it— that makes it significant outside of the monetary exchange…

And I think on that same thread, it’s important to question individually, what we currently hold in higher regard: assets or humanity?

Pretend for a moment, that you are already living the values of this new, imaginary society where how we show up for self and other— the humanity of it all— matters more than how much money we make and what it can buy us…

Based on the above questions posed, do you have a fulfilling and abundant life [again, without money as the deciding factor]? If not, I invite you to consider the possibility that if money were to simply become worthless [I know it’s not “simply” but we are playing in our imaginations right now— stay with me] would what you’re doing right now and the expense of it — the affect it has on your physical, mental, spiritual health and well being; how it impacts your relationships— the sacrifices, the compromises—would those expenditures still be worth the cost to you?

***

We humans like the illusion of control as a comfort from the reality that things can change in an instant. We are living that reality right now [currently August of 2020]. To a large degree, the outcome of any endeavor is out of our control. If this year has reminded us of anything, it’s how little control we truly have and how many unknowns there are in this life. We control how we show up and how we react. So if everything you have received in exchange for your actions in the past[the outcome], suddenly became worthless, would the journey [the effort]— the exchange of your most finite resources [time and energy]— still have been worth it to you?

If not, I would urge you to consider where you would be left, if everything we have valued as a society were to change overnight. It’s not as far off an idea as we would have considered 6 months ago, now is it? And if that notion scares the shit out of you— it may be worthwhile to take a deeper look at what you are motivated by today, and if that is in alignment with the truth that exists within you vs. something you have bought into [pun intended] that holds little to no true value within.

This moment is literally all we have. More now than ever it feels important to go within to consider what really matters, so that when things do change, you are already showing up from an empowered and authentic space— able to adapt in a world where the only absolute is that things change— instead of feeling dragged around by all that is out of your control.

I know it doesn’t seem likely to occur, and it really doesn’t matter if it does or not. I'm just inviting you to consider how you would respond if everything were flipped upside down [as if they haven’t been already]; if your entire life was built upon the idea of a future self, without any real grounding in who it is you are today, and why it is you do what you do— how would you respond to such a huge paradigm shift? Maybe this is something you’ve already been grappling with over these last few months— maybe this is the first time this has come into your consciousness to consider. Either way, empowerment is an inside job. The outside world will always dictate who and how you should be for their convenience or agendas, but it can’t give you something that you already have within. And only you know the truth of what your purpose is here in this life.

The value of money doesn’t have to become obsolete in order to shift the way we value and show up for humanity—how we show up for ourselves— today.

This is how we reconnect to the power that has always been within. And frankly, become better humans living amongst other humans. So the invitation here: be more intentional about how we are showing up for the present moments that we have, because who knows what tomorrow will bring ;).

***

Day 25/28 : Lots of questions stemmed from a stray thought while eating lunch…I think about the phrase “if money were no object” as an exercise in visioning the future I want to create, and it struck me today that instead of looking at it from the lens that I have so much money it were no barrier, but instead, thought— what if it just weren’t the bartering system any longer that gave me access to things like food, a roof over my head, a car that I can put gas in and drive where I need to go… but if there was something totally different [i’m on a “what an entirely new world could look like” kinda vibe these past few days]. I’m not naive enough to believe that money [at least in my lifetime] would ever be deemed worthless, but I think my hope on some level is that we begin to re-evaluate what really matters, defining value for a more holistic and intrinsic space— each one of us individually being more tuned in with what is most valuable to us, and begin to shift and become a bit more intentional about how live in service to those values. Money is an energy, its a commodity that we have given value, and there is nothing wrong with that, except for when we prioritize it over the inherent value of a human being, or live out of alignment with our unique truth and purpose because it doesn’t make us enough money…Or worse, we determine the value a human based on how much money that have [this includes ourselves]. We have linked abundance to money and in that, have lost sight of the fact that abundance comes in so many shapes and sizes and experiences, if we could give ourselves the space to be here NOW and pay attention to what lights us up—what gives us that warm and fuzzy feeling of being deeply connected to something greater than ourselves; if we could begin to, as a society give that more priority it could transform the way we relate to the world —and most importantly, how we care for and show up for one another.

Where I hope we move toward: More value on humanity, quality of relationships, authentic service coming from a place of love and truth. Less greed, and competition and fear about going without. Creating systems and structures that provide access to the resources that each of us needs to survive, so that we can all begin to show up from an authentic place of service, and give our unique gifts to the world— instead of most of us being in perpetual survival mode.

I wonder how we would relate to one another and how it would shift our mental and physical health. To be seen, and appreciated for our humanness and not the size of our bank account and who “we know”. To not have to hustle or strive or damn near kill ourselves in order to be able to pay rent, or have access to nourishing food and clean water. To not feel shame or selfish for honoring self, and the natural rhythms and cycles of our being— prioritizing the care of this sacred vessel that is our body, which holds that which is infinite and inextricably connects us to all: soul. If we valued the quality of a person based on how they treat other people more so than how much money/influence/access they have, I wonder how different this world would be.

As always, thank you for sticking it out here with me! I would love to hear your thoughts on what came up for you during this reflection. What kind of world would you create if you could?

With gratitude and always LOVE,

A W A K E N I N G

4.14.20

[from the journal series]

Awakening: An explosion of awareness shattering the illusions of clean and neat order within the spaces you occupy.

It’s the same world it’s always been, and it isn't. The chasm so wide, endless; familiar and foreign. And there you are, picking up and piecing yourself together into an entirely new being. Same components, reordered, refreshed, uncovered and revealed in a new form. To the outside world much looks the same, but on the inside everything is different. Everything and nothing.

I think back to the “before” me and I know I was her. The memories and sting of pain, shame, dampened spirit still can be brought into visceral experience, but it’s like I don’t know that woman anymore. She is not me. And she is. So much has fallen away from that former life that it’s hard to describe to those who only know this version of me.

Awakening is brutal and beautiful. It is the most gut wrenching, confusing, shit show of a mess, and there is this depth of knowing that it’s on purpose, that it’s true. It’s perfect in a newly defined way. A never ending exploration of the paradox and dualities of being a human, being. Infinite soul living this temporary experience. It’s a learning: to sit with the tension of seemingly contradictory truths— both, and.— and a witnessing. It comes in waves; a series of moments and the moments between [the Void]. It's an unfolding marked with “a-ha’s”, accented by darkness

It certainly would have been easier to stay where I was.

But I would have been trading one type of death for another. Had I stayed where I was, in my marriage, in the corporate climb; had I stayed white knuckle gripped to my striving to be the “good-girl”, having it all together and approved of by anyone and everyone, my soul would have collapsed on itself. I would have been alive, but I would be a shell— appealing from the outside, pretty even, but putrid and rotting on the inside.

When I talk about this path I’ve been on, that I guide other’s through, I tell them that they have a choice— whether to step in or not— and I do believe that. And then, when I think back to my journey and experiences, I know rationally I chose to do the hard and scary things, but it was never about that. Don’t get me wrong: it was fucking hard. To not just be open to and feel what it is to exist in the world on a day to day basis, but to dig into lifetimes of repressed shit, a lot of mine and plenty that isn’t mine to carry yet has been absorbed along the way, has left me feeling like a fucking lunatic some days. Wondering if it will ever end, “am I doing this right?”, “Whats the point of it all”, “no seriously, am I fucking crazy?!?”.

I had a choice.

It just always felt like no good or easy choice, there only was the choice. And especially at the beginning, by the time I got to the point of making it— of changing my status quo— things had gotten so uncomfortable in some ways it felt like: “If I stay in this place, I die. If I leave, it’s going to hurt like hell, but i’ve got a shot”.

In many ways it was life or death.

I wonder if there is a gentle path to waking up? If so, I’ve yet to hear about it. I do know i’ve been forged through the fires of initiation, and there is more to come, always, but it’s as though my mind can’t allow me to feel the intensities of what the last few years has been like. It just feels absolute. Like the steps I had to take. As though there was never another way for me. Like the truth I need.

It’s the truth I need like I need air to breathe; absolute. 

Now, fuck if I know where it’s taking me, but it’s taking me. It’s a bizarre experience to witness Self in hindsight, to see the inevitability of it all as though a car crash is happening in slow motion in front of me. How every moment, choice, person, seeming misstep was like a perfectly choreographed dance leading to well…destruction. But, like, in the best and most awful sort of way. And while I don’t know specifically where it is leading me, or where it will call “plot twist” and have me reeling, in a pile of ash and charred bones, it does in fact feel like a dismantling of a structure designed to keep caged the wild ones. Destruction for liberation.

It feels guided with a pinpointed intentionality smothered in what feels often like chaos. Especially in the midst of it all. And the deeper I relinquish into Soul, the more I shed, and the more intimate I become with surrender, the more viscerally I feel the knowing— the more I welcome it, even though there is an awareness that it will likely hurt more than a little bit. And my Catalyst?

Suffocation.

Needing air to breathe and knowing when the air became too thin— too hard to come by— that death of one form or another was imminent. And with death, inevitably came change [on the immediate horizon].

Interesting that this virus is infiltrating our systems and stripping away our ability to get the oxygen we need for our organs to thrive— it’s literally suffocating us. In the microscopic depths— our life blood that flows through our veins— that needs oxygen to survive. Without it, imminent death. 

Suffocation walking us into awakening.

Drawing a personal parallel, it’s like my need for the felt experience of truth. Without it— something in me, somewhere in me, warning bells sound— something is wrong: DANGER.

And at times the suffocation was so slow and imperceptible that I didn’t even notice it until I found myself dizzy, disoriented, gasping for air. 

Corona virus as a personal metaphor for the fear— that kicks me out of truth and binds itself as a mimic, fooling even my keenest senses for a bit, until all of a sudden— I feel it, that perceptible shift, something’s not right. Something is not true.

And my healing: It’s a going into the depths, clearing out the muck that is weakening my immunity and alchemizing the infiltrated cells in order to bring it all back to balance. To true north. To the highest good. To truth.

I need Truth like I need air to breathe.

This is my awakening journey.

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[in R E F L E C T I O N]

“A W A K E N I N G” was birthed as a journal flow I wrote about 2 weeks ago, reflecting on my own awakening journey as I was in the process of reading “More Myself: A Journey” by Alicia Keys and the last paragraph or so I had read before I started journaling one evening where she was reflecting on her process of waking up…

In many ways I was on the path to waking up for years before I really knew what it was. Before I could see what was happening. I knew things were changing, but I didn’t have language, context, role models or community to look toward for support or even a nod that I was going the right way. It just felt like no comfortable options were left and I had to choose the one that would give me a chance to breathe instead of continuing to suffocate [in the boxes created mainly of my own volition based on the messages picked up along the way]. I didn’t know at the time it was my soul crying out— to be witnessed, to be known— to lead the way.

I didn’t realize that the betrayals piling up were like shovels full of dirt thrown on a shallow grave.

I didn’t know until I couldn’t breathe and was forced to start asking “why?”.

And by “ couldn’t breathe” I mean I was actually having minor and sometimes major panic attacks before I walked into the home I shared with my husband at that time— I *literally* couldn’t breathe. I had already been in chronic physical pain for years at that point and most days I felt like a zombie because of the pain, the fact that my sleep was complete garbage and what I came to recognize were other factors that were crushing me.

I still didn’t begin to “see” [not with my actual eyes— but from glimpses into my soul] for quite a while after big change was set in motion, what those were all actually symptoms of. In fact, it took about five years for the big peeling back to really get underway. At that time, now eight years ago, I made one big life changing choice that gave me a little space to breathe, got me out of imminent “danger” [my partner at the time, to be clear was not a dangerous person for me to be physically around, so when I say danger I don’t mean he ever would have intentionally hurt me, definitely not physically, but I was hurting]. And from that point, eight years ago, I continued to do things that were betrayals to the essence of who I am, for years after.

In fact, I spent the next 5 years running; distracting and numbing, punishing myself and trying to avoid freeing myself from the cage of crushing shame and blame I had assigned to myself.

I was running from the truth.

Because I didn’t know what my truth even was and I wasn’t ready to go about to business of dismantling and diving in deep to find it. It wasn’t time then.

So, instead of seeking more truth after the initial “aha” from the universe that something was off and leaving— ending that chapter of my life— I punished myself for choosing what was a “yes” in my Soul. I see in hindsight it was because my choosing me, meant I hurt someone else and I didn’t even realize at the time that I didn’t believe that I was actually allowed to do that: to be that selfish. Everything I had known up to that point was to be a good girl, and good girls do not hurt other people for their own inner peace. Even to save our own lives. But that is a story for another day... 

All the time spent in between the “ aha” moments of recognition— that time making decisions out of my values and integrity, accepting crappy behavior from others and matching said crappy behavior; continuing to numb and distract and trying to force myself into a life that didn’t fit anymore— those times are also the perfection of the journey.

How can I see that as perfection? Because it gives contrast and forces truth to the surface. It’s all on purpose and it comes for you in its way, and in the divine timing of your souls unique path. And even the days/weeks/years that you feel you are fucking everything up, that you are lost and can’t find your way out of the darkness; when you are numb and distracted and you are starting to witness how much so— yet you can’t seem to get out of the patterns and habits— yea, that’s a part of it too. It’s all part of it. The highs and lows, when you are at your best and worst. I know that can feel pretty screwed up. And from the human level of processing, it absolutely is. But it also is true. 

All to say: Awakening is messy and inconvenient. Shedding old skin is at best uncomfortable; it can’t be comfortable as we need a certain motivation to lean into the metaphorical death of transformation in order to be reborn. Otherwise we would keep wearing and being weighed down by old, dull, dried out skin that maybe looks like us but that we have outgrown; that no longer serves our highest good. 

There is no path to true Soul retrieval and liberation that is not forged by some version of the metaphorical fire. 

And as i'm over here painting this picture of fire/death and destruction and *likely* scaring the crap out of you; as you may be thinking “oh hellllllll no” and possibly considering getting the hell off this page [and if that’s where you are I always honor that], you may also be wondering “why” and to that I will say: First and always because it’s true and as previously stated: I need truth like I need air to breathe.

And it’s also something that I have a niggling suspicion, that if you aren’t already feeling the inward nudge of recognition that you may be in the process of this grand undoing in order to become; if you have a sinking feeling in the pit of your gut [womb space] that it’s coming for you: It’s already happening.

I have this overwhelming feeling that it’s coming for more than a few of us at this time in our human history— possibly more collectively than ever before. We are birthing something new into the world right now, whether we are a conscious and active participant or not. There is a weaving happening beneath the surface, outside of what the rational mind can even comprehend and it’s beautiful and messy and hard and True.

And while it is all the stuff we have spent a lifetime [or multiple lifetimes] avoiding, because it is painful AF, or because we are flat out afraid, it is also the greatest gift there is. To be alive in this time. With the communities and access to information and wisdom we can tap into. To have the opportunity to come home to Soul truth. To sink deeper and deeper into the bones, into the knowing and sense of trust in all that unfolds. To step fully into our individual power.

It is a gift like no other. 

It is also the path to liberation. It is the path to unconditional love. And there is something so beautiful about feeling that contrast. The Knowing. I can’t adequately express with words the everything that it is, just that it is everything. And sometimes it fucking sucks. It’s both. 

So, as I am only beginning to scratch the surface on this awakening exploration, I will leave you with this simple and deeply resonant quote I love from “Women Who Run With the Wolves” from Rosario Castellanos, *Mexican mystic and ecstatic poet [who] writes about surrendering to the forces that govern life and death:

"…dadme la muerte que me falta…”

“…give me the death I need…”

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Thank you as always for coming on these journeys inside my mind with me… I would love to hear your reflections on “Awakening” and what it sparked within you. And if you know of anyone who would benefit from my words, please do not hesitate to forward and share.

I truly believe this is a time where more of us than ever are getting the call to wake up and I know firsthand how confusing and overwhelming this journey is. My goal is always to try to put words behind deeply felt senses and that which is unseen and hard to explain, so I hope you can feel the truth behind the words, even when the words may not make sense. This is a space of exploration and curiosity, kindness and non-judgement, and if you are looking to dive deeper into this awakening journey and are seeking a guide, I would be honored to support you on this magnificently messy and beautiful path of Coming Home. You can contact me at info@nicolettebernardes.com.

Stay safe, make being witness a part of your practice, and with so much gratitude and always LOVE,

*”Excerpt from Women Who Run With the Wolves” ,from the story “Hunting: When the Heart Is a Lonely Hunter; Clarissa Pinkola Estés,

I woke up like this...

Coffee

Comfort

Mornings were made for this

Soft

Open heart

As I sit here,

still wiping away the nights rest from my eyes,

hair a mess on top of my head,

tears well in my eyes.

Me thousands of miles and an ocean away from you in every possible way.

I think about that last embrace,

the moment, just before you wrapped your strong arms around me,

pulling me in tight against you,

and something in me moves.

Knowing

how you will tilt your head down into the space where my neck and shoulder meet

Taking in the scent of my skin, my hair

Breathing in my essence.

How you will pull back, for what could be an eternity to gaze deep into my eyes.

Confirming my presence,

memorizing my soul.

Never enough.

You lean in, starving for our lips to meet one last time.

The promise of “we’ll see each other again” heavy  between us.

In this moment,

this memory,

I can feel you and it nearly knocks me over,

the intensity of it all.

The intensity of you.

Love

Longing

Promises

Fear

Truth

I woke up like this

I live like this

Feeling

Vulnerable

Just me

No filter.