{friendly} enemy

Waxing Crescent Moon in Libra

Day 7/28: My heart is pounding. I feel tears pooling in my eyes, the heavy ones that have no choice but to be shed. I’m tired. I’m angry. I want to write “i’m frustrated” but I’m pretty sure i’m fucking pissed off. Frustrated always feels a little more palatable and reasonable considering what i’m being triggered by right now. But yea, I want to scream and blame and project all my whatever this hybrid emotion i’m feeling but can’t quite identify yet, off onto the next unassuming bystander [yea, i’m present enough to recognize that’s not actually how I want to show up, but I still feel the urge to offload in a major way]. It had been long enough since the last time and I wasn’t prepared for it today. The walls, the shut down. And I should have known it was coming with the territory I was tiptoeing into. I think I did know it was coming, and I did it anyway.

And I don’t know yet, why it is I pushed. Was it my place? Was I trying to fix? Were my efforts as innocent as I convinced myself they were or was I attached to a belief that I have and was wrapping it in a disguise to sneak it in the door? I haven’t sorted yet if I truly overstepped or I just stepped on the wrong nerve. I do know I feel a heaviness and a desire to curl up and pull away, to withdraw: this is one of my suits of armor when I all of a sudden feel unsure about my place in a space. I did the thing I haven’t done in a really long time. I got up and hid for a few minutes to withdraw from all the sharp words I could have used as weapons to cut him like a knife.

Words are my weapons and I have to wield them with reverence. Bouncing often between stifling my voice and manipulating a situation to my favor: extremes that are not in my highest expression of being. So instead of shutting down fully like I want to, I’m going to write a little story, absolutely colored by my hurt feelings in the healthiest way I can manage to offload and process what it is I’m truly feeling. Finding my balance point [as Libra always asks of me], while portraying one side of the story. It doesn’t feel amazing, but I’m not ready to take the blame quite yet, maybe that will come through tomorrow.

Here’s to being emotionally open even and especially when those you love the most trigger the fuck out of you and it leaves you with no option but to sit with it. Or in my case, since I made a promise to myself, i’m here writing it into a little dramatization of it while I’m still neck deep in my feels ;).

***

{𝚏𝚛𝚒𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚕𝚢} 𝚎𝚗𝚎𝚖𝚢

warning bells sound; drawbridge raised…

all of a sudden a perceptible shift

nobody in, nobody out

from trusted and welcome ally, relegated to enemy

caught attempting to infiltrate and expose weak spots in the fortress walls

a visceral transformation before my eyes; air between polarities suddenly electric

whip me by the lash of your tongue

your contradictions leaving a bitter taste in my mouth; in words left unspoken.

the voice inside warned me “this one might cost you.”

and deep down, I knew better

and also, sometimes the truth hurts.

alternative perspective, interpreted as accusation

too great a threat to territories deemed absolute in one’s mind.

repeat something enough times, and a truth it becomes

yet, if the foundation built upon is so sturdy; settled

why are mere exploratory expressions such a threat in the space inside these resolute walls?

you love me; still.

despite my curious disposition; I suppose

missed the memo on unacceptable sticking points it seems

they shoot the messenger in this kingdom.

precarious circumstance I find myself in once again

reminder that this is not my home, merely a conditional guest

and I refuse to sleep with one eye open

***

“She gets that the real transformation comes in letting love reach within her where it hasn’t been before. It doesn’t come from turning into the form that her ego wants, or that others might have preferred for her to be. It’s not about making sense from the outside. It’s about bringing what she had kept hidden, what she only revealed at night, what she kept secret as the thing that was most hideous about her and returning it to the light.”

-Meggan Watterson

So yea, day 7. Witnessing myself amidst the triggers. It happens less and less the more true I become to me, and therefore steals the breath from my metaphorical lungs for a few beats when it does happen. It took a solid 30 minutes to get my chest to stop buzzing this evening and as soon as I hung up the phone an explosive outburst of tears, a pillow got punched a few times and then screamed into [to any of my clients reading: yes I do the things I recommend to you too]. I needed to move the energy that felt trapped in my being. And I trust that it’s showed up to invite me into a space that it’s time to shine some light into, so I’m going to do my best to be with it; not trying to “figure it out”, but to feel into the edges and explore. Be open to seeing the pattern, the habit, the truth, amidst the feeling of rejection and whatever other stories my little self is telling at the moment.

The quote above is [of course] the medicine that came with my coffee this morning [out of “Mary Magdalene Revealed”] before any of this unfolded, and it feels like a steadying reminder and the perfect words to root this expression to the earth. I’m now going to bed, pretty sure there will be more tears before all is said and done, which means, there is still energy that wants to move. This is my process, one that I judged for many years and did not allow to unfold, one that a past version of me absolutely would not share with others. It doesn’t have to make sense to anyone else. It doesn’t make sense to me half the time, but i’m ok with it. I am feeling things and they don’t feel “good” and I am ok. I trust that it’s here for me and I have the capacity to hold the tension and space within and allow it to move me as it may. Thanks for witnessing me this evening [or whenever these words find you], as always, I appreciate your presence, and willingness to join me on this wild little experiment we call life. ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,