trusting {in flow}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

A puzzle complete; whole and sturdy in a deep knowing sort of way.

wild woman; opening portals, slamming doors.

Can you trust me to lead the way or will you startle at my roar?

Can you find you place amidst the folds of the great unknown?

Oceans of tears never cried— initiation {the beginning}

Never cease to be astounded at the strength of Her;

willingness to refuse to stay boxed in for others comfort.

A lifetime that says conform, and you lean in;

setting the box on fire and burning with it to the ground—

paving the way to the true—

leaving it— that comfortable and stifling known

stepping into new depths;

stumbling in the darkness.

Lead by intuition and trusting in the flow,

before you even know what it means to trust.

The head does not lead here— this is soul territory.

***

Day 28/28: I really left this one up to the last minute. Trusting in the flow [hoping for the best]. Today I’m feeling inspired by a session with a client; a divine reminder of the absolute power that is the feminine— blossoming in progress— coming home to the instinctual nature [as Clarissa Pinkola Estés would put it]. “The pain is great”— my client on the table, feeling… allowing herself to be physically moved to release amidst a sea of pain. This is a different kind of strength. It’s not how well we hold it all together and in, or how we put on an act to the outside world that we can do it all; how unaffected we appear to be by how much it hurts. How much weight we carry at the expense of self and soul in the name of being selfless creatures that make us worthy of praise and love [I write that as I roll my eyes at this stupid narrative that we have been spoon fed since infancy].

This kind of strength is in the courage. The knowing how much it’s going to hurt and doing it anyway— to find the way home to an unknown foreign land. For freedom and liberation. It is facing the abyss of a lifetime of grief unexpressed, and taking a step forward… and another one, and another one. This re-connection— to self and soul— is not some glamorous process. There are tears— bucket and oceans of tears. And lots of snot. Resistance. And discomfort so intense it makes you want to crawl out of your skin. Oh, and nobody told you about the righteous rage from wounds unhealed— coming in as you recognize from a new paradigm of awareness and connection to the sensations of your body— that you were in fact violated, and it’s shocking, and it hurts. And simultaneously being faced with the tension of “good girls don’t get angry” when all you feel like doing is fucking screaming and roaring and burning it all down.

When I say this isn’t “all light and love”, spiritual bypassing sort of stuff, I’m not kidding. And wow. I am in awe of the courage I get to be in the presence of. I have such a deep reverence for the stories entrusted to me, that I get to witness and hold sacred as these brave souls navigate being, from a new, unpracticed perspective and awareness. And when I say courage, it doesn’t mean without fear. It’s not about not being afraid— it’s about noticing the fear, and leaning in when soul says “step this way”. And standing still, when it says to pause. It’s drawing your own damn roadmap, writing your life script one step at a time. And stumbling blindly in trust as you wait for the next best step to reveal itself, even when you don’t really know what it is to trust self and soul—but you know—even though you don’t. You know? [I know this may make no sense or all the sense— but there is a lot of seeming contradiction in this place too]. There is not a one-size fits all path to life. It is you and you. And more you. And the closer you get to the truest version— it gets easier to step in your highest good [which is subsequently in the highest good of all] to pivot and stand strong in all that comes along with following the path back home— and the more aware you become, the painful reality is that you can never go back to that small and comfortable space. You burned it down, and all is left, is you. And what a beautiful gift indeed that is.

So yea, I get to do this work. So I guess, what I’m trying to say is I’m steeped in gratitude for the unfolding that is my script, that through trust, I have been led. I’m grateful to the beautiful souls that meet me along the way and add color and nuance and depth— and so much love— to my story and practice. That trust me with a truth they may not yet fully realize, but that is dying to make it’s way to being expressed in the world. I could go on and on, but since I have about 5 minutes until midnight, i’m going to call it. On this last day of this 28 day challenge i’ve given myself. I made it. And I suppose i’m grateful for that too.

Thank you to each of you that read one sentence, or read each and every post and every one of you that falls somewhere in the spectrum in between. I appreciate you.

With immense gratitude and always LOVE,

{built} for this

Waning Crescent Moon in Gemini

“But I think she weeps also because she was given a transmission that she realizes now the disciples are not able to receive. It’s a teaching that she can uniquely give to them, precisely because their whole world order and idea of power would have to shift in order to receive it. “

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

⟨⟪⬩⟫⟩

shifting power for a new world order

with and for, no more power over.

we cannot dismantle only to rebuild on the same faulty foundations

yet, dismantle we must.

tear it down; burn it to the ground

clearing space for an ancient kind of new

creation from places unseen

just out of sight

a different sort of vision required;

2020; the beginning; the end

☿

alchemy;

transmuting base metals into gold.

trust to take the lead

an uncharted gnosis; in our bones

singing its siren song

from the depths; rising

in many ways, a merging.

Bringing back a balance never before seen

consciousness meeting soul

divine melding with the mundane

masculine holding feminine

as above, so below

whole

holy

♀︎

change is painful.

death, inevitable.

we were built for this.

we were brought here for this

***

Day 24/28: We must shift the current paradigm and ideas of power in order to receive this new world that is waiting for us; change is painful; death, inevitable; we were built for this; we were brought here for this; it’s time.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{i went to sleep}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries {still}

 i went to sleep //

and woke up next to you

messy hair and morning breath 

limbs intertwined

bare skin; soft 

you whispered good morning  

pulled me in close, like you always do

kissed my neck

ran your hand down the side of my body 

as awakened eyes met 

and for just a moment

time stood still

just the two of us

A familiar feeling

wrapped in love

nowhere to be

nothing to do

the sweetest pause...

// and then I woke up.

{maybe one day we’ll meet again // somewhere other than in my dreams}

***

Day 21/28: This Aries moon + Venus in Cancer has got me feelin’ some sort of way these past few days. Emo love songs about distant love, heart literally aching and tears making their way out periodically when a certain song comes on, or lyric hits a nerve; day dreaming about love and connection those that came before, the ones i’m calling in; watching Netflix rom-coms. And what I don’t like acknowledging but will for sake of transparency— I don’t often feel lonely, but I’m feeling the craving to have a man in my presence, someone that I have an intimacy and trust with, that I can just snuggle up with and exist in the same space. I miss being held and touched [again, thanks Venus in Cancer for these vibes *insert eye roll here *]. So today, i’m just going to keep it short and sweet, and spend the rest of my evening enjoying being in this beautiful little hearth space that is my apartment, around my plant babies that all got new outfits today [translation: they got potted in pretty ceramics], watching more Netflix rom-coms. Love and extra tight distance air hugs to anyone who is feelin’ the— longing to be witnessed and embraced— sort of feeling. You’re not alone.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

no sin in {being}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Pisces

Hear the words of the Divine Virgin, Artemis, Lady of the Beasts:

“You are enough. Wholeness is your birthright, your natural state of being. Obey your instincts, and your true knowledge will lead you back to your wildness, your essential sacred self. Be not afraid to remove your harness and step out of the cage. The cage door has never been locked, only untried. Taste and drink of the freedom that is known to all creatures and which you have lost. Run with me and my nymphs through the forest, knowing the night as your lover, moving in and out of shadows, aglow with silver light. Feel the wind on your bare body, and breathe in the ecstasy of a free woman. To know me is to fully embrace your wild woman self, and from wildness comes all possibilities. Let my spirit move in you like the running deer, without fear.”

-Ruth Barrett, “Women’s Rites, Women’s Mysteries”

***

Today, on Instagram Live, a dear friend and I had a conversation centered around this idea that there is no sin in being human, that these bodies, these beings we are— are an expression of divinity meant to be experienced fully and wholly. I recognize this concept goes against what many have been taught, and even if you were like me, and didn’t grow up in any sort of institutionalized religion, the undertone of shame and our sinful nature is woven into the fibers of our society. And as such it deeply affects how we show up in the world; how we interact with self and those around us.

Why is there so much shame? Why are we taught to inherently be in rejection of vital parts of our beings? Especially as it relates to our sexual nature when this is our actual life force— the creative energy of the universe that is what allows us all to be here. I’m not just talking about the physical act of sex when I say sexual beings/nature. I’m talking about something much deeper, more sacred and ancient than that. I’m talking about the deeply intimate relationship with soul— our connection to God, Divine, Universe, Nature, Source, The Mother [or any and all language that resonates most deeply with you].

Soul as the eternal aspect; the divinity that we embody. What if God created us, these imperfect, messy, beings on purpose? And our “job” for lack of a better term, is to live our unique expression fully and wholly [our ego’s blueprint] based on the truth’s that we came here with— with the lessons to be learned, and experiences to be had? I don’t know the answer… but what if?

What if we were here to attempt to integrate what it means to walk the path of being both human and divine? That there was never meant to be one model of humanity that is the “right” or “good” one, but instead, the highest and most perfect thing we could be, is the most authentic version of self— without judgement or hierarchy and from a love and reverence of self and all living beings.

And what if our walking around, ashamed and in rejection of all of what we are, is precisely what keeps us severed from our connection with the divinity so many are seeking salvation from?

Lot’s of questions, and a few more to come…

What if the point was to awaken to these truths in layers? Hindsight and contrast as a gift to give us context and texture amidst it all. We if we are exactly who we are divinely and innately meant to be. What would we do then, without the shame and the rejection; without the judgement and projection of the inherent wrongness of everything around us?

//

What a slap in the face to this power greater than us [the whole we are a part of], that only wants us to be human— that put us here exactly for that reason—only to witness our rejection of self and thereby other. What must it be like to watch humans from a 20,000 ft view? Trapped in the egoic idea that we are somehow separate, and inherently wrong; unable to witness the beauty in the nuance and experiences that are everywhere around us. I love this passage from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” where she talks about the way that the soul can see the ego but the ego cannot see the soul:

“egoic desire, or craving, thinks that the soul “belongs” to it. And because of this, the ego cannot recognize the soul. It has always haunted me when the soul says, “I saw you. You did not see me.” The soul can see the ego. But the ego can’t recognize the soul: “You mistook the garment I wore for my true self. And you did not recognize me.” The soul is saying here to the ego’s desire, I am not this body, not essentially. I am what exists before the body and after. But if you are only focusing on the body, on the egoic garment I am wearing as a soul, you will not recognize me”

-Meggan Watterson, Mary Magdalene Revealed

The recognition of soul is the way out of the blindness of the ego; awakening to the truth: that we are so much more than these bodies, these emotions and actions and achievements we amass to prove our worthiness.

This idea that we are sinners fallen from grace sets us up from the very beginning, to disconnect from that which would allow us to live divinely— a soul severing occurs. And when we have lost that feeling of connection to that force of energy greater than the sum of it’s parts, that thread which connects us all, we are lost.

And lost we are. As a society; we are missing the humanity of it all. We are missing it. We are too deeply steeped in shame and fear to recognize that the paradise we are striving so hard to be good enough for, is right here. In this moment. This moment. For us to experience. This is all that we have, this is all that we are. This is where the magic is. And we are missing it in our incessant busyness and striving to achieve in order to prove we really are worth it after all. And we are missing it. It’s never been out there. It’s always been right here, right now. In this moment. Within you.

So, what if we did something revolutionary, and just accepted ourselves fully, wholly?

What if we embraced the unique expression we were brought here to be, and just lived that to our fullest capacity— with love and reverence and radical acceptance? This goes far past any conversations about the physical flesh meat suits we are all walking around in. It is about a deeper appreciation of our being that can be expressed through these bodies we possess. This is the gift of our flesh. We have been given this beautiful home, to house and experience the infinite, all. Divinity embodied.

//

There is a marked difference in how I move and relate with the world around me as I deepen into my own embodiment; my own reclamation of soul as a vital aspect of my awakening journey. As I face and shed the shame and the stories of my presence as something to be redeemed. The more I find the sacred space within my being, the more love I can express through my body, in my words, in my open body language— in the way I am able to embrace others unconditionally— that creates a safe place for them to take off their masks and armor; that empowers them to be themselves, free from the weight of judgements and shame and stories about inherent unworthiness. My embodiment, and unapologetic deepening and enjoying of the nuances and sensations in my body, learning to stay with me through intensities like pain and pleasure; learning to sit in those tensions, tells self: “I trust you, I see you, I can witness you without looking away; i’m here with you, for you”. That level of acceptance is a radical act amidst a sea of rejection, and it translates into my ability to receive others at the same depths. And, as within, so without.

Acceptance: the space where true authentic connection is birthed.

The space where soul witnesses soul: a mirroring of divinity that is felt. It’s not some checklist of traits, it’s a knowing, a recognition. It’s a different type of “seeing”. And when we desire true intimacy— deep nourishing experiences in love— I believe this is the way to that place.

Because I am able to see me, I can see you. And when I am in acceptance of the perfection of my humanity, the messiness, the beauty and the chaos— I don’t need you to be anything other than exactly the unique expression of divinity embodied that you are. I can witness that, without fear or threat— I can hold space for it. Because I know that I am whole unto self, I don’t need you to be anything other than all that is you. And that is the most beautiful thing of all. There is a freedom, a liberation in this type of recognition and acceptance. This to me is the grace that makes this thing we call being human worth it [and quite possibly what gives me the resolve to keep being some days]. We are divinity embodied. We are here to experience the full spectrum.

In love. For love. With love.

***

Day 18/28: How often do you truly enjoy your body? Touch yourself in a loving and curious way, and not in an outcome driven sort of way, but just for the sake of savoring the nuances, the edges and curves; the bumps and bruises and scars? Appreciating the sum of the parts that make you whole. How do you hold space and witness the spectrum of beings around you? Can you see the art and beauty in all?

When I was in Berlin two years ago, was when I realized how much body shame I carried, how uncomfortable I was with myself as a sexual being and the space I occupied as such. This was made intensely clear when an exercise we did during a workshop that went something like this: as we wandered around the room [both men and women participants] we were to playfully say “yes” or “no” with our hips when we came to a halt in front of any person, looking them in the eyes, and then moving on to the next person— this was supposed to be without attachment and a way to express through our bodies. A “no” looked like shifting the hips left-to-right and a”yes” looked a bit like a pelvic thrust, forward and backward. And how did I do with this? I literally froze. And then proceeded to have a panic attack/emotional meltdown. Yes, an actual panic attack where I had to remove myself from the group and sit down because the level of anxiety around my sacral energy, my life force— and the idea of speaking that to anyone else, felt dangerous to my nervous system. So much shame and fear around expressing from that space, as a woman, freely. So much worry in how I would be received and the expectations that I realized I carried around as my own in response to how the world has assigned my value as a sexual object for the desires of men. Yea, that shit got real, fast. Not one of my favorite experiences ever, but a profound recognition of how powerful shame can be.

So to witness myself now, and how much more open and free I am in my expression; in ownership of the space I occupy and without shame of my being, is profound and brings a huge smile to my face. I love the moments when I take time to just enjoy myself, whether that is looking myself in the eye in the mirror, or watching myself as I explore the edges of how my body moves to the rhythm of whatever music is playing in the background. Learning to sit with the intensity of pleasure as I explore my actual sexual energy and noticing where I still have a hard time staying with myself in those intimate times. It’s a journey of radical acceptance and patience and unconditional love. Leaning in where I want to escape and injecting large doses of curiosity and kindness into every space as I continue coming home…

Today is a reflection on a really juicy/messy/complicated and often charged concept. It is absolutely incomplete, but as so many of my explorations, just pulling at the threads that find their way into my consciousness. As always, thank you for joining me on this journey. If any of this was challenging for you, I see you. I’m not here to judge your beliefs, but instead, am always attempting to share what i’m learning and exploring the edges of. So it’s an invitation to play and ask questions. If something jumps out at you, you can always dig a little deeper. And whatever doesn’t spark any juice from within, you can leave it right here. Tune into your truth and decide from that space what is for you and what is not. You know what is best for you. If you have any questions or reflections for me, I would love to hear them. You can email me info@nicolettebernardes.com or comment below.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

love {in} my life

Full Moon in Aquarius

⬩

An intriguing prospect. A desire to dive in deeper. Explore a bit. I imagine what it may be like to feel your hands on my body. To hold your hand. A curious meeting. One of those funny stories, years ago. Before. Before it all unfolded and I became me. But I found myself drawn to you then. And now. A chance encounter. Yet I don’t believe in coincidence. Curious timing for sure. How many more of these am I going to experience before the pattern runs out? What is the animation here all about? Still a signal of hiding, or is there something yet but meant to be explored?

[This little stream of consciousness is where I started today… so I suppose I’m going to flow on love a bit and where i’m at with it these days… I’m typing this after i’ve written everything below and starting to feel slightly nauseous at a few of the things i’m actually going to share “out loud”… but it’s what came out of me today, so i’m going to go ahead and honor it. Love is a journey, this is a bit about mine; where I have been and where I am presently, and setting intentions for where i’m open to exploring next ;).]

***

I have been single now for the better part of three years. There have been a few men come into and out of my life, some incredibly significant, but none for more than a few months at a time. Not since before I began my awakening journey [and by began I mean I was sort of kicked in the face by circumstance and then tumbled down into a whole new world as a result 😅]. My journey home, began as a result of recognition of how poorly I was loving myself, and what had unfolded prior to that moment, was severe enough, that I was finally seeing that something had to change. I was ready to do something different. It was also a big reckoning, facing how I was allowing men into my life that hurt me, that couldn’t authentically love me or see me; partly because they weren’t grounded in themselves, and partly because I wasn’t grounded or in a particularly loving relationship with myself. I didn’t really know who I was at an intimate level.

And where I started from, was a numb and dissociated place. I had been totally disconnected from my body for most of my life, but it had reached never levels after the relationship I had been in took me to some places that I just couldn’t handle. It was too much. So when that relationship ended, in February of 2017, I didn’t feel— couldn’t feel anything really. Too much had happened. All I knew was that the plan I had made, the moves I had made in alignment with that version of myself, were blown to shreds and I had to come up with a new plan; I had to find a new me, but the old me had to die before I could do anything else…

And i’ve been burning down and rebuilding ever since.

I’ve done a lot of work around clearing out the barriers, the stories and beliefs and fears; the trauma around experiences from my past. For example, it wasn’t until an experience with a partner—where I actually felt safe enough with him to rest into the space and be present with myself— that I recognized in contrast how unsafe [emotionally] I had felt in so many other experiences of intimacy before him. [That one in particular led me down a deep rabbit hole I’m still exploring]. And it’s threads of awareness like that, that I have spent a lot of time witnessing and reflecting on. Myself and how I show up; what I have expected of men and from love. What transactional give and take I thought was love and partnership. The power struggles we witness and learn to engage in that don’t actually feel good to anyone, but are so prevalent in most interactions that we don’t know there is any other way, and often don’t even recognize why we are always feeling lack and defensiveness or just depleted by relationships. Breaking down the misinformation and finding what is true for me, and the love I want to show up for and participate in.

Witnessing my attachments to how someone showed up for me and the way in which I would latch onto those who were only capable of providing scraps; scraps that I accepted out of some deeper unconscious fear that it was all I was ever going to get. Out of fear that nobody would every really see me [all of me], and not just love me, but stay and build and grow with me. And accepting the scraps as reinforcement of my inherent unworthiness, a way to prove that I was right about myself all along; to hurt myself. Yuck. It never feels awesome to acknowledge these cycles and patterns, but these are the stories and experiences I have witnessed that were driving so much of my behaviors and reactions, and they are important for me to keep a pulse on, so that I know when fear is creeping in. When the instinctual urge to armor up and run away or latch onto someone comes on, I can notice it as an indicator for me that i’m feeling threatened and a beautiful opportunity for me to pause and notice what it is that i’m thinking about—and to discern whether something is actually wrong in the moment [my intuition speaking to me], or if i’m just assimilating from some past experience.

One experience, one present moment at a time…

There was a lot of gunk in the way of me seeing myself clearly. As is life and the case for most of us. And as a result, I was hiding myself in so many ways I could never see clearly. Unavailable is a pattern I recognized I was playing out over and over and over again. I was constantly attracted to men that weren’t able or willing to show up for me. Even the ones who I knew and know love me deeply, still cannot meet for more than short bits of time. And that isn’t about me, but I have accepted it because that was the only sort of love I had experienced from men in my life— those who loved me the best that they could, but were never taught themselves how to love and thereby held me at arms length or attempted to manage and control me for their comfort. I see now how I internalized that, made it about me and my shortcomings, or my “too muchness”, and time and again, invited those sort of men into my space energetically as it was the level of love I was familiar with, even if it wasn’t nourishing, or didn’t feel particularly safe. I wasn’t sure that anything better would come along…

It was comfortable— even if it kept me striving and attached and always chasing, trying to be enough and not too much all at the same time, so that they would stay. So they wouldn’t leave me. So I wouldn’t be alone.

And then there is this truth:

Unavailable was/is also safe, because it will never require me to have to deepen and hit the layers that soul shaking love has a tendency to rip open when standing in front of the mirror of other. I chose [still on some level choose] unavailable men, because I can blame them when they leave— whatever their reason, even when I know now that it isn’t really about me— and I get to stay safe in my little hiding place. With all my theories and ideas. With all my awareness. That last little corner of coping— where little me hides out and holds onto with a tight grasp— as it is my last line of defense against the inevitable death that fear says will come if I let someone shine light in that space; if they stay long enough to expose my hiding space. And yes, i’m calling myself the out, because well, maybe it’s part full moon energy, and maybe because i’m really finally ready to dive into new depths, a new chapter. Shedding old barriers to come home deeper. It’s time. My ego will never be ready for it, [it sort of hates me for writing this], but I can feel it in my bones that it’s precisely what I need. An undressing that has nothing to do with clothes, but is a far more intimate and exposed kind of naked..

I have chosen to face that pattern down, and day by day explore what it is I have believed about myself on an unconscious level; and in the awareness, I have gone about the work of changing my behaviors and the way I show up in potential intimate relationships. Being less judgmental and more loving toward myself for choices I made in the past, and speaking shame out loud so it doesn’t own me any longer— so I can be in my truth. And I have learned a lot. I see a lot. And it’s been a humbling, challenging and beautiful path to really come home to myself and develop a reverence for this big, big love I possess. This love that I have always wanted to share with others, but never really knew how.

It’s also been a path to reclaiming pleasure— learning how to witness and feel and open myself to exploring it. Through learning to sit with the intensity my own and not escaping out of my body; acknowledging what it is that I desire and that there is no shame in my having desires; reclaiming my body as a sacred space to be witnessed and experienced and revered— not for a man’s entertainment or ego—and learning to separate a familiar union of love and grief constantly existing simultaneously where it need not. And so much more I don’t have the time to explore today. Through this, i’ve also come to understand what at the core it is that I want from a partner, if I am to step into that arena with a man. The kind of partnership I desire…

And the main requirement [don’t love that word, but can’t think of another more fitting at the moment], is that if you want to step into my space… if you want to know me and experience me [in every sense of the word] then you must be able to witness and hold space for yourself. You have to be able to be present with and take responsibility for your being, in order to be invited into my inner sanctum; my sacred space. [Or at the very least, be ready to do the work to clear out all the barriers to self that currently don’t allow you to see you].

And why is this a “rule”?

Simple. I crave depth; it’s where I live, so surface transactions are never satisfying to me. And the most nourishing and pleasurable thing I have experienced in the presence of a man, is that recognition that he is able to hold me, not just in his arms, but he can hold the intensity of my being, with a love and reverence. He can witness me in my everything. And not just witness, but appreciate and empower it. He has to be a man that desires growth, and is ready [as one ever is] to be seen in his truth. Not necessarily without fear or insecurity, as we are all human and feel fear and insecurity, but a willingness and courage to stand in the discomfort of that vulnerability. Simple and not easy. This I know. I also know, that this way of being is not for everyone. And thats ok, no judgement. This is the space that I feel the safest and have the capacity to deepen even further into areas unexplored within self. This is how trust and thereby intimacy has a chance to be built.

And the way we can clearly see and feel true, authentic connection, to know what is “for” us and what is not, is through that same presence and awareness of self— a knowledge of what our individual needs are, what our non-negotiables are, and thereby allows a freedom to step into a space with other and honor self and communicate clearly what is ok, what isn’t; making a decision from that clear and present place whether we are a good fit or not. Creating space for less attachment and ego and more authentic connection.

Another “why” I realized through experience, was that there is nothing that feels more lonely, than physically being in the presence of someone, who is so stuck in the stories of their past and their future— their projections and fear and insecurities— that they cannot be in the room with me. I have had a few experiences like that, one in particular comes to mind where I felt how my body literally felt like I was in danger, nauseous even, when I had a mans arms wrapped around me that was stuck in his own inner dialogue. He wasn’t actually dangerous, he was a lovely, caring and warm human being. And he was physically here, but he couldn’t see or witness me. And it felt awful. And that is why it’s so important, because I know that a body next to me, not only “doesn’t do it for me”, but it literally leaves me feeling hungover. [Trust i’ve tested this out and tried to convince myself I could compromise on it and learned my lesson. Energetic hangovers are a real thing. Yuck.]

I used to hold this attachment to the idea that I needed that masculine counterpart to be my safe place and without that I had no place I could put down the weight and just be, and I was wrong about that. That was actually an exhausting and disempowering belief. I had to heal my own wounds around my masculine energy, and learn to be intentional and follow through and hold space for my own feminine energy. Within me. Wholly. I had to find my sacred safe space within that I can access at any point. And I’m still doing the work with that, but just in recognizing and cultivating that has been a game changer.

[This is also a work in progress, as is any of this— there are always deeper depths and higher heights to reach if we choose to lean in.]

The realization that I had to make the space within me safe first, without anyone else and have a symbiotic relationship with my own energies has allowed me to step into a space with a man, without the attachment and neediness of him staying for me to be able to rest easy.

And in that recognition and separation of expectation and responsibility, I can be a clearer more open and receptive version of myself; can give other more space to breathe without the weight of my expectations hitting him like a ton of bricks. And I can acknowledge, that while I do absolutely miss having a man in my company, being held and touched and just resting and deepening in an intimate way with other, I am still whole without that. I can miss physical contact and intimacy and not feel empty or lacking without it. Thereby I don’t find myself contorting or compromising on my integrity— what feels nourishing and healthy and safe for me— for the sake of companionship. There is a liberation in this space.

And as it has become a bit of a mantra of mine: as within, so without.

I can hold space for all of me, and can do the same for other. That’s what i’m bringing to the table— all of me and full acceptance of other. So if i’m going to allow a man into my physical space, my body, my heart; if i’m going to pour into him, and give of myself, he has to have the capacity to both witness and receive; to sit with the tension and intensity of his own depths; of his own nuances and intensities— his own humanity— in order to do the same for all that comes along with me. He has to meet himself in order to meet me, in love.

When one can’t hold the space for self, then there will always be a barrier to how deeply they can meet another. And my days of metaphorically screaming to be seen and heard and understood are over. As are my days of twisting myself in knots or stifling my fullness to make others more comfortable. Anyone being less than everything that they are, especially when driven by fear, does the world a disservice. I’m not here for that.

So where am I in this moment?

I am open. I am calling that man into my space. One who is ready meet me. And when he shows up, there isn’t a series of tests to be passed or some obstacle course he must go through. It’s simple. Presence and ability to take ownership of what is his to manage and the ability to sit with himself [projection and self-escape I am not here for]. Boundaries go both ways, and are a beautiful thing to be honored. I know what is ok with me and what isn’t and I will gladly share that up front and hold space for and respect boundaries in other. And hold compassionate space for myself and other as we stumble through this thing called relationship and intimacy. Communication and kindness and an openness to be messy and human and unsure and learn and grow together; called up in love. Open and curious to see what can unfold from that foundation…That’s where I am and where I want to be.

***

Day 15/28: Wow, I’m over the halfway mark with this writing challenge, and this one was a lot more than I ever expected to come out in one evening. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me on this marathon. But here we are. I have spent a lot of time attempting to write about love and intimacy and where i’m at with it in the past, and it has always just sort of felt stuck; I wasn’t able to go there with myself. So it’s a bit uncomfortable putting it out there, where I have been, who I have been, but more so who I am now and stating what it is that I want. There is resistance in expressing it, but it’s about that time, so yea. This is incomplete as so many expressions are and always will be, and as it relates to everything I said around what I desire, the harder things to describe are around attraction, as there are subtleties, as it relates to attraction that I can’t explain, it’s either there or it’s not. I either feel called to lean in and let go or don’t and I know pretty quickly. My body tells me clearly. And part of this clearing out process is so that when myself and another step into the arena and meet one another to see what can grow from that initial spark...we can do so from a place of individual truth, and thereby can honor self first and then decide to keep leaning in from there if it is in alignment with that self truth.

And {full transparency}: I haven’t met many men in general in the last few years as i’ve been doing my own inner work, especially not that the spark of attraction is there, and even less that I’ve gotten the opportunity to lean into the discomfort of putting all these abstract and solo recognitions into action… so the hardest part for me is that I’m a 35 year old woman, experiencing like a 14 year old all over again, just beginning to explore relationship and what that means, because I’m doing something familiar from a totally different paradigm and different version of myself than I’ve done it for the last 20 years of my life; so while I know what I want, i’m still awkward AF when something promising steps into my space. Oh the humbling lessons in being human; growth is fun [*insert playful eye roll here*].

Thank you again if you’ve made it this far today, and especially if you’ve been tuning in every day to see what sort of madness comes tumbling out of me. I appreciate you and sending you so much love and energy on this big full moon evening.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

all begins {in the dark}

Waxing Crescent in Virgo

It all begins in the dark where I lie unencumbered, receiving your divine interruptions. I know it’s you, your light shines through the darkest night; your presence reinvigorates the eternal flame under this waxing crescent, signal of conception; the harvest of hopes and desires to come.

Here you and I; we individually and collectively constantly sit: the void between innocence and ownership, where a long waged battle for the chosen ones is fought.

And you came to me in the momentary pause between night and day. Whispering messages I was bound to remember, my heart’s desire, my love. Reminding me of the constant cleansing process required; surrendering of that which is not mine yet easily can become a burdensome weight to carry on my shoulders.

Leaving breadcrumbs that lead to archetypal stories rife with remembering. Truth. Wisdom. Balance. The insignificant space between life and death; light and dark; chastity and indulgence—wholeness via an integration of dualities.

And a strengthening of the resolve to stand strong on this path. Stripping away man-made constructs, exposing the truth that has always been, but not necessarily seen: incomplete partialities, not absolute. Expanding the boxes of consciousness to hold the immense amount of life force that is rising, taking up space after millenia of being stifled, repressed, buried; misunderstood and mistreated.

Consciousness meets life force. Light meets dark. Eros meets Psyche. Masculine meets Feminine.

Divine + Sacred union forged in the fire of transformation, soul moved by love: The Alchemical Marriage.

{“Marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage, a "transition to the unknown"** }

…And first there was dark, from where all else came to be…

***

“Since the ultimate end of the heroine's story is her final understanding of herself. It is the final acceptance of her totality of being, which includes her mind, body, and spirit. Psyche's story involves the ultimate acknowledgment that the soul can be granted immortality through its' ability to love.” *

When it comes to aspects of our being, the transition that I have found to be the most healing, is not the repression or rejection of those aspects within self that are hard to face in the mirror, but instead the integration and loving acceptance of them as a part of our whole being. A maturation process of transmutation. Learning to sit with and love the unloveable. Being with the not-beautiful. This is what the spiritual journey, the awakening journey is all about. Bringing more awareness to every moment, every space occupied [as within, so without] and integrating the seeming duality into the folds of our inherent wholeness.

[Bringing us back to divine balance, the gnosis of being both fully human and fully divine.]

◇

I had a dream last night that brought me to a space of reflection on darkness and light. That from darkness— death— is where all life emerges. And the integration of the polarities of energy that exist within us, masculine and feminine; light and dark— a vital part of the coming home journey— deepening to rise;

the deeper the roots, the higher the branches.

We as physical beings, are the midpoint. Soul’s sanctuary, keeping the eternal flame lit.

And our journey is not to escape the body, [the so-often glorified “transcendence” as a means of bypass] but instead to bridge the void between our whole humanity, the physical manifestations that we are, and whole divinity: our remembering of the divinity that we are, the god within. This illumination requires darkness.

And the journey of Psyche into divine union, through death [her marriage was also a funeral] required her surrendering into the depths to find the heights [in her case it was her drinking the elixir of immortality and securing her place amongst the Gods after she journeyed, through many tasks, including a trip to the underworld— and ultimately achieved divine union with Eros.]

Virgo [where our moon currently resides], is associated with Ceres, the grain goddess. Bountiful harvests that can only come to fruition by first planting seed into earth— to be nourished and incubated in the dark, to grow roots; taken from the earth [beginning of death] to sustain and nourish life.

We too are planted in this way. In the darkness and protection of the womb to grow, and eventually, incur a separation from the Mother. This separation is a vital part of the path. For if we were never separated, there would be nothing to find our way back to. Life/death/life. Inevitable absolutes. The forgetting is a vital component of the remembering. The stumbling and making mistakes, the “not knowing”— to be smacked upside the head with like a brick of sudden awareness—is on purpose. The journey to higher consciousness starts below the surface, an exploration deep in the underworld.

To find our way to divine union, which, as within, so without, is the coming home to balance—polarity— within self. And as such, in order to manifest the same in the outer world, we must take this journey first.

Relationship and self: both great entry points of exploration, both uncharted territory.

And here, is where we see that marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage. For to merge with other, one must first find self. Come home and merge with self. Coming home is experiencing, a clearing and de-rubbling, and a remembering; a return to a symbiotic relationship with the inherent cycles of nature, the mother—Life/death/life. An inherent rhythm, that if learned to dance to with grace, trust and in surrender, leads us, one step at a time, exactly where we are [meant to be].

***

---

Day 4/28. Weaving threads and themes of: Vesta’s sacred and eternal hearth, divine union of Psyche and Eros; Nyx, the goddess of the night and alchemical marriage and [shocking I know] a bit about awakening, because that seems to be the place it always comes back to. It did actually begin with a dream that I woke to this morning and from there became as I mentioned in the poem, following the breadcrumbs and seeing where it led me. Honestly, I have no idea if this makes any sense, and, as a part of this challenge for me is writing and publishing same day, there is a fun little tension in flowing and attempting to connect dots [especially when I don’t begin writing until 8pm] and then waking up the next morning to see if I even like what I wrote [funny and true story]. Deepening into trust that whatever flows out of me is what is meant to [even if some days it’s terrible or makes no sense]. The practice of leaning into the edges of the journey, and being less worried about destination. Thank you as always for flowing with me ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

N1.3 The Chariot of Nyx; attributed to the Sappho Painter

PS:And here, are a few quotes I pulled from my google deep dive earlier today… enjoy ;)

Within the ascending Psyche, rooted in human matter, merging with the descending Eros, connected to heavenly light, we find a true soul communion.  According to Demetra George, the Psyche asteroid illuminates our capacity to be sensitive on a psychic level to an Other and is about our desire for a soul mate, a union with a lover under the guidance of divine energy through the path of conscious relationship.  Yet Psyche is not only about a spiritual and sexual union with an Other, but also can be about a union within the Self.  Through Psyche, erotic energy is akin to the procreative life force when we are swept away in our body by bonding with a lover or other desire.  In this way Eros is the primal, procreative force of our passion that underlies our vision and desires, as well as indicates our sexual attractions and vitality. https://graycrawford.net/tag/psyche/#:~:text=According%20to%20Demetra%20George%2C%20the,the%20path%20of%20conscious%20relationship.]

***

“The Alchemical Marriage is the union of duality and the most revered and possibly powerful union. It is the perfect conjunction, intimate bonding of duality and signifies the pure, deep harmony which occurs whenever the masculine and feminine elements of nature combines into One.” https://princessapetra.com/2016/11/07/on-alchemical-marriage/

*https://www.llewellyn.com/journal/article/1303

**https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid_and_Psyche