{retro reminder}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

Holding on to old wounds; Value. Belonging. Am I doing it right? Triggers coming in from every direction. A comfortable suffering to distract from the immensity of unknown continuously stepping into. With every layer of armor chipped away—integration; an acclimation period awaits. Naked and ill-equipped— all that remains.

Anxiety creeping around the edges, threatening to consume. In these moments, doubt and disillusionment are the false friends sitting by my side; holding me in an unforgiving embrace. Old becomes attractive. Impatience a tell. When to stay. When to go. When to hold on, when to let go: attachment, the least attractive outfit I own. And amidst these spaces— there is nothing “to do” other than my best. Face down, belly on the earth— literally laying on the floor— the only tether point grounding the incessant spinning at higher altitude. Leaning in, pouring more love into the not-beautiful; surrendering to the paradox of grace; bringing her into deep embrace. Trust the process. Breathe. Remember: this too shall pass.

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“To truly heal, however, we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self punishment of vengeance was evoked in us. The old healer of the psyche understands human nature with all its foibles and gives pardon based on the telling of the naked truth. She not only gives second chances, she most often gives many chances.

-Clarissa Pinkola Estés, ”Women Who Run With the Wolves”

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Day 26/28— Uranus Retrograde prep: A one-hand-rooted-above-ground reminder for the times when I forget. This has been a week. Old gunk rising, themes playing out— as within, so without. I find it helpful to sometimes write the reminders to myself amidst the muck that i’ve been here before. That I will make it through. That i’m not the same as I was before. I have more awareness, I know many of my tells, my “markers” that i’m going into that underworld space— that I both love and loathe. And that grace is everywhere around me. Kindness, curiosity non-judgement: my navigation companions. So much is happening and simultaneously i’m trying to reconcile the feeling that i’m somehow standing still, if not moving backwards. Am I grounded in trust and truth, or frozen in an old cycle of fear? Maybe i’ll be able to discern the difference tomorrow. For now, i’ll just remind myself again and always, that this too shall pass. And that’s all I have to say about it today. Maybe i’ll have more tomorrow. This too shall pass…

With gratitude and always LOVE,

PS: Oracle Card pull today from the “Earth Warriors Oracle” with a little supporting wisdom:

“When the mind says no, but the heart leaps with joy, we are ripe for a transmission of empowering grace. The sweet paradox is that the more impossible the situations appears to be, the more we are supported through grace and our divine success manifests, swift and complete. Let the faith of the heart overcome doubt. Allow your mind to be filled with the wonder at the unlimited power of the Divine, and you shall bear witness to sacred manifestation”

-Alana Fairchild

when fear has lost it’s {voice}

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Capricorn

“Silence” to me means the calm quiet that comes when fear has lost it’s voice”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

…when fear has lost it’s voice.

Ohhhh that line, sends a shiver throughout my body. The imagery it brings up: Fear as a being with laryngitis—losing its ability to speak vile, hateful, destructive rhetoric out into the world. Can you call up a person to mind, that you imagine that if they were just unable to speak anymore, would leave you feeling the urge to take one of those deep, relaxing and nourishing breaths in and then let it alllllll the way out? As in, you would finally able to relax into the spaces you occupy?

Now what if the potential to find that level of peace, is not dependent upon someone or something from the outside shifting or shutting up? What if it was fully and wholly accessible within you? What if it isn’t really about that person, that group of people “out there”?

Play along with me here if you will…

What if “they” are just a mirror, inviting you to witness a story, an emotion, or a belief you carry and hold onto within, and your reaction to their presence— your judgements or repulsion of their way of being for example— is an indicator of a space where some fear or shame resides within? Or at the very least an area thats ready to have some light shined onto it; to be called up into awareness. What if, it were a neon arrow— your reaction that is— attempting to serve you information about you on a silver platter; trying to guide you back to a certain truth? Trying to guide you back to you— your power place, your life force: back to soul.

Could you entertain that possibility? Could you be curious instead of indignant? Do you want to reject that instinctually [these questions i’m asking, the perspective i’m inviting you to reflect on]?

And if so, perfect. And, why?

I ask these questions, not because of any attachment to you buying into my thought processes, but as a curiosity: of what may shift in our collective reality if we changed our point of focus; if we shifted our beliefs— began viewing power as an absolute source accessible to all, from within— that there was no scarcity but instead enough [space, resources, time] for all… I truly wonder what would be different if we all had the internal space to take this on as a mindset and approach, and/or what would stay exactly the same.

I really don’t know, but I’m curious.

And for the record, i’m not saying that societal structures — patriarchy, systemic racism, white supremacy to name a few— don’t exist as a roadblock to our personal sovereignty and safety. They absolutely are real and affect many aspects of our lives, especially how we relate to and with the world.

What i’m inviting us to “try on” for a moment [if possible and for those that have that emotional desire and capacity], and again, out of curiosity, is a shift in our point of focus. Shifting the amount of energy going outward to the system, thing or person. Just for a few minutes let your imagination wander a bit… what if everything we [humanity as a whole] have ever needed to be whole, empowered, loving and compassionate beings has always been within us, never outside of us as we’ve been conditioned to view it?

And if we could shift our point of focus inward to what we have control over—how we show up, how we react— what might be different in our reality; or how might we relate to our outer world in a very different way?

My reflections come from a foundational belief that we are esteemed from within; our power comes from our connection to the divine that is within; — and that is a power nobody can ever take from us, it’s ours to harness; one that we can only ever give away or feel disconnected from— but regardless it’s always there when we are ready for it. And that what we choose [consciously or unconsciously] to focus on, speak on, attach ourselves to, has the power to affect/create our reality.

We are that powerful. And just as we can create from a place of fear and scarcity, so do we have the power to create from an empowered space, a space of love and truth and abundance.

And there are absolutely roadblocks that make this not as simple as how i’m stating it, I recognize this. Things like being in a state of chronic “fight or flight” [defense] mode as a result of, for example, generations of systemic oppression that have wired our nervous systems to be on high alert, operating from survival mode which doesn’t leave much room for things like higher consciousness and thriving; it just leaves us fighting for survival. So I get this isn’t a “snap my fingers” and poof— everything is magically different— but what if we could be open to it being different?

I deeply believe we all have the capacity to find that space. It’s not impossible, despite what has transpired in the past to lead you to where you are now. It requires a courage and taking the risk of tapping into some dark spaces, to begin to clear out and reset what has been. And for some, it’s a deeper, darker, longer road; a more exposed and dangerous road. Because at the physical level it’s an overhaul, rewiring of the way we relate to the world. But not an impossible journey.

What if we were simply open to risking the vulnerability of it being possible…what potential is on the other side of that unknown?

***

“When fear has lost it’s voice…”

There is a power in the simplicity of this statement. Fear is one of the most powerful motivators there is, as it goes hand in hand with our survival instinct. And when fear runs rampant, unchecked without any conscious awareness, it is both dangerous and often times is telling us stories that aren’t true. To be blunt, fear often times is a liar as it doesn’t know how to discern true danger from emotional discomfort. Our role as we evolve and grow is to learn the language of this discernment, to bring awareness to the moments when it arises and choose what is true and from there decide how to respond.

To be human means to be vulnerable. We cannot escape that reality. And fear has the most power over us— the most potency and potential as a destructive force— when we are in an unconscious state of this inherent vulnerability. Which is another way of saying: being human, unconsciously. We are dangerous when swimming in this natural state of existence from a lack of awareness and presence; disconnected from self and most destructively, disconnected from soul.

Being human isn’t the problem. Fear isn’t the problem. But perpetuating a rejection of our whole humanity; remaining in a low state of awareness and presence and allowing fear to be in the drivers seat as it relates to our behaviors and reactions— thats a problem.

Fear is highly contagious, it’s easy to amplify and is a powerful motivating force. It’s how we harness it that determines the effect it has. Do we escape the discomfort and intensity of the reaction in our body and project it out; blindly react to it? Or do we hold space for it in loving awareness, listen to what it’s telling us about what we are perceiving in our present moment and then transmute it into inspired action? How we respond to it is what dictates the impact it has on our inner state of peace, as well as the impact it has on the world around us. As within, so without.

So if fear unchecked and unconscious is the problem, how do we go about the business of shifting?

By doing one of the simplest, yet most challenging and confronting things there is: cultivating a relationship with and learning to be with self.

and how do you do this, you may be wondering?
By beginning to hold curious, kind and non-judgmental space for all of you. Looking at who you have been [yes including the shameful bits] and who you fear you may or may not be; the narratives of “not enough” or “too much” that the world has deemed makes you unloveable— all of it— and beginning to call bullshit on what is not true, witnessing the aspects and experiences you want to look away from and embracing yourself with a loving reverence and compassionate accountability.

By noticing and dismantling the patterns of coping that keep us stuck in these loops of fear—react—fear.

It’s in creating space within— a pause if you will— to ask “am I in danger or am I uncomfortable?” and holding space in that pause for an answer; and choosing our response from within the pause.

Noticing the stories about our sense of belonging and safety in the spaces we occupy. Digging deeper yet, and asking where that story came from, and if it is still true, or is it something that in the past you needed to protect yourself, but no longer need [this is where the part about calling bullshit on that which isn’t relevant anymore becomes useful].

And throughout all, employing radical honesty and acceptance of what is and has been— not condoning bad behavior and also not condemning yourself, but instead, holding loving accountability for how you showed up and reacted; beginning to accept what happened as it happened, and from that acceptance, processing how you felt/feel— your response to it. Honoring the space those emotions occupy within you as yours and valid, while recognizing that they aren’t you— they are merely indicators, information about what is happening within you. Your role in the process is to hold space for whatever arises— no matter the level of intensity or discomfort— and trusting that it’s ok [even when it hurts like hell]; giving those very emotions the same acceptance that you would want to receive from someone you love and then giving them permission to move on when they are ready.

Becoming a witness and a safe container for reflection; always coming from that foundation of curiosity, kindness and non-judgement...

“And this is what it means to rest in silence. Because this is when all those voices, those ideas and stories we wrestle with inside us, the ones that keep us up at night, and lead us to believe we aren’t worthy of love, or of anything good, this is when the whole clamorous riot goes mute.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

It has never been outside of us. And yet, we’ve looked everywhere out there, to no avail— traveled to the ends of the literal and metaphorical earth, searching for “it”. And all along, it’s been in the silence. In that space, those moments, where fear loses it’s voice and all that remains is love…

"We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

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Day 12/28: Ok, today this expression came seemingly out of nowhere [and everywhere at the same time *insert eye roll here]. The thread I pulled started from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” this morning over my morning coffee. If you’ve been following along here or on IG, you may have noticed me quoting a lot from Meggan Watterson’s work and it’s because this book… whew… there is just so much triumphant YES from within, I don’t have enough space to write about all that has been sparked by reading this. It’s one of those books where I can feel a truth I always knew was there but never had language or context to put to it. It grabs me by my everything and invite me deeper into spaces I instinctively know but may be altogether “new” to my conscious awareness. And with that, it sparks an inspiration; courage for me to speak on things that I may have been more cautious about in the past; especially out of fear of being misunderstood or worry over crafting an incomplete expression that misses something important [which they all really are anyway as they are just streams of consciousness]. The quotes I incorporated today, are the type of words that brought tears to my eyes and a vibration through my body that give me a courage to pull at threads and weave together my curiosities and share with you. So yea. That and today the Hindu goddess Durga came up, both in “Mary Magdalene Revealed”, but also in an oracle card I pulled before a client session today, and the quote and image below are from that card that fueled my inspiration today.

“An icon for independence and divine power of the light, Durga is the solar mother who shines light, restores order and protects the human soul by destroying impurities such as jealousy, hatred, anger and selfishness. She is creative, inventive responsive and powerful. The Sanskrit word durga means “fort”, a place that is protected in battle, unable to be overcome.”

-Earth Warriors Oracle

[and also the full excerpt from the quote above with a bit about Durga:]

“Whats so profound about Mary is that the “yes” she said to that surge of light that came in the form of an angel within her, a yes she never uttered outside of her, became of of the greatest expansions of love in the history of religions… I nodded in humility to Mary. To her courageousness that’s still left so unacknowledged , and uncelebrated. She should be riding a tiger like the Hindu Goddess Durga. We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

I feel like a bit of a broken record in saying this, but I always mean it: Thank you for exploring along with me… I don’t know where i’m going until I get there any given day, so my hope is that you are pulling something resonant out and it is inviting you deeper into you, or at the very least you are getting a kick out of how my crazy mind processes the world ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,