{retro reminder}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

Holding on to old wounds; Value. Belonging. Am I doing it right? Triggers coming in from every direction. A comfortable suffering to distract from the immensity of unknown continuously stepping into. With every layer of armor chipped away—integration; an acclimation period awaits. Naked and ill-equipped— all that remains.

Anxiety creeping around the edges, threatening to consume. In these moments, doubt and disillusionment are the false friends sitting by my side; holding me in an unforgiving embrace. Old becomes attractive. Impatience a tell. When to stay. When to go. When to hold on, when to let go: attachment, the least attractive outfit I own. And amidst these spaces— there is nothing “to do” other than my best. Face down, belly on the earth— literally laying on the floor— the only tether point grounding the incessant spinning at higher altitude. Leaning in, pouring more love into the not-beautiful; surrendering to the paradox of grace; bringing her into deep embrace. Trust the process. Breathe. Remember: this too shall pass.

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“To truly heal, however, we must say our truth, and not only our regret and pain but also what harm was caused, what anger, what disgust, and also what desire for self punishment of vengeance was evoked in us. The old healer of the psyche understands human nature with all its foibles and gives pardon based on the telling of the naked truth. She not only gives second chances, she most often gives many chances.

-Clarissa Pinkola Estés, ”Women Who Run With the Wolves”

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Day 26/28— Uranus Retrograde prep: A one-hand-rooted-above-ground reminder for the times when I forget. This has been a week. Old gunk rising, themes playing out— as within, so without. I find it helpful to sometimes write the reminders to myself amidst the muck that i’ve been here before. That I will make it through. That i’m not the same as I was before. I have more awareness, I know many of my tells, my “markers” that i’m going into that underworld space— that I both love and loathe. And that grace is everywhere around me. Kindness, curiosity non-judgement: my navigation companions. So much is happening and simultaneously i’m trying to reconcile the feeling that i’m somehow standing still, if not moving backwards. Am I grounded in trust and truth, or frozen in an old cycle of fear? Maybe i’ll be able to discern the difference tomorrow. For now, i’ll just remind myself again and always, that this too shall pass. And that’s all I have to say about it today. Maybe i’ll have more tomorrow. This too shall pass…

With gratitude and always LOVE,

PS: Oracle Card pull today from the “Earth Warriors Oracle” with a little supporting wisdom:

“When the mind says no, but the heart leaps with joy, we are ripe for a transmission of empowering grace. The sweet paradox is that the more impossible the situations appears to be, the more we are supported through grace and our divine success manifests, swift and complete. Let the faith of the heart overcome doubt. Allow your mind to be filled with the wonder at the unlimited power of the Divine, and you shall bear witness to sacred manifestation”

-Alana Fairchild

no sin in {being}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Pisces

Hear the words of the Divine Virgin, Artemis, Lady of the Beasts:

“You are enough. Wholeness is your birthright, your natural state of being. Obey your instincts, and your true knowledge will lead you back to your wildness, your essential sacred self. Be not afraid to remove your harness and step out of the cage. The cage door has never been locked, only untried. Taste and drink of the freedom that is known to all creatures and which you have lost. Run with me and my nymphs through the forest, knowing the night as your lover, moving in and out of shadows, aglow with silver light. Feel the wind on your bare body, and breathe in the ecstasy of a free woman. To know me is to fully embrace your wild woman self, and from wildness comes all possibilities. Let my spirit move in you like the running deer, without fear.”

-Ruth Barrett, “Women’s Rites, Women’s Mysteries”

***

Today, on Instagram Live, a dear friend and I had a conversation centered around this idea that there is no sin in being human, that these bodies, these beings we are— are an expression of divinity meant to be experienced fully and wholly. I recognize this concept goes against what many have been taught, and even if you were like me, and didn’t grow up in any sort of institutionalized religion, the undertone of shame and our sinful nature is woven into the fibers of our society. And as such it deeply affects how we show up in the world; how we interact with self and those around us.

Why is there so much shame? Why are we taught to inherently be in rejection of vital parts of our beings? Especially as it relates to our sexual nature when this is our actual life force— the creative energy of the universe that is what allows us all to be here. I’m not just talking about the physical act of sex when I say sexual beings/nature. I’m talking about something much deeper, more sacred and ancient than that. I’m talking about the deeply intimate relationship with soul— our connection to God, Divine, Universe, Nature, Source, The Mother [or any and all language that resonates most deeply with you].

Soul as the eternal aspect; the divinity that we embody. What if God created us, these imperfect, messy, beings on purpose? And our “job” for lack of a better term, is to live our unique expression fully and wholly [our ego’s blueprint] based on the truth’s that we came here with— with the lessons to be learned, and experiences to be had? I don’t know the answer… but what if?

What if we were here to attempt to integrate what it means to walk the path of being both human and divine? That there was never meant to be one model of humanity that is the “right” or “good” one, but instead, the highest and most perfect thing we could be, is the most authentic version of self— without judgement or hierarchy and from a love and reverence of self and all living beings.

And what if our walking around, ashamed and in rejection of all of what we are, is precisely what keeps us severed from our connection with the divinity so many are seeking salvation from?

Lot’s of questions, and a few more to come…

What if the point was to awaken to these truths in layers? Hindsight and contrast as a gift to give us context and texture amidst it all. We if we are exactly who we are divinely and innately meant to be. What would we do then, without the shame and the rejection; without the judgement and projection of the inherent wrongness of everything around us?

//

What a slap in the face to this power greater than us [the whole we are a part of], that only wants us to be human— that put us here exactly for that reason—only to witness our rejection of self and thereby other. What must it be like to watch humans from a 20,000 ft view? Trapped in the egoic idea that we are somehow separate, and inherently wrong; unable to witness the beauty in the nuance and experiences that are everywhere around us. I love this passage from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” where she talks about the way that the soul can see the ego but the ego cannot see the soul:

“egoic desire, or craving, thinks that the soul “belongs” to it. And because of this, the ego cannot recognize the soul. It has always haunted me when the soul says, “I saw you. You did not see me.” The soul can see the ego. But the ego can’t recognize the soul: “You mistook the garment I wore for my true self. And you did not recognize me.” The soul is saying here to the ego’s desire, I am not this body, not essentially. I am what exists before the body and after. But if you are only focusing on the body, on the egoic garment I am wearing as a soul, you will not recognize me”

-Meggan Watterson, Mary Magdalene Revealed

The recognition of soul is the way out of the blindness of the ego; awakening to the truth: that we are so much more than these bodies, these emotions and actions and achievements we amass to prove our worthiness.

This idea that we are sinners fallen from grace sets us up from the very beginning, to disconnect from that which would allow us to live divinely— a soul severing occurs. And when we have lost that feeling of connection to that force of energy greater than the sum of it’s parts, that thread which connects us all, we are lost.

And lost we are. As a society; we are missing the humanity of it all. We are missing it. We are too deeply steeped in shame and fear to recognize that the paradise we are striving so hard to be good enough for, is right here. In this moment. This moment. For us to experience. This is all that we have, this is all that we are. This is where the magic is. And we are missing it in our incessant busyness and striving to achieve in order to prove we really are worth it after all. And we are missing it. It’s never been out there. It’s always been right here, right now. In this moment. Within you.

So, what if we did something revolutionary, and just accepted ourselves fully, wholly?

What if we embraced the unique expression we were brought here to be, and just lived that to our fullest capacity— with love and reverence and radical acceptance? This goes far past any conversations about the physical flesh meat suits we are all walking around in. It is about a deeper appreciation of our being that can be expressed through these bodies we possess. This is the gift of our flesh. We have been given this beautiful home, to house and experience the infinite, all. Divinity embodied.

//

There is a marked difference in how I move and relate with the world around me as I deepen into my own embodiment; my own reclamation of soul as a vital aspect of my awakening journey. As I face and shed the shame and the stories of my presence as something to be redeemed. The more I find the sacred space within my being, the more love I can express through my body, in my words, in my open body language— in the way I am able to embrace others unconditionally— that creates a safe place for them to take off their masks and armor; that empowers them to be themselves, free from the weight of judgements and shame and stories about inherent unworthiness. My embodiment, and unapologetic deepening and enjoying of the nuances and sensations in my body, learning to stay with me through intensities like pain and pleasure; learning to sit in those tensions, tells self: “I trust you, I see you, I can witness you without looking away; i’m here with you, for you”. That level of acceptance is a radical act amidst a sea of rejection, and it translates into my ability to receive others at the same depths. And, as within, so without.

Acceptance: the space where true authentic connection is birthed.

The space where soul witnesses soul: a mirroring of divinity that is felt. It’s not some checklist of traits, it’s a knowing, a recognition. It’s a different type of “seeing”. And when we desire true intimacy— deep nourishing experiences in love— I believe this is the way to that place.

Because I am able to see me, I can see you. And when I am in acceptance of the perfection of my humanity, the messiness, the beauty and the chaos— I don’t need you to be anything other than exactly the unique expression of divinity embodied that you are. I can witness that, without fear or threat— I can hold space for it. Because I know that I am whole unto self, I don’t need you to be anything other than all that is you. And that is the most beautiful thing of all. There is a freedom, a liberation in this type of recognition and acceptance. This to me is the grace that makes this thing we call being human worth it [and quite possibly what gives me the resolve to keep being some days]. We are divinity embodied. We are here to experience the full spectrum.

In love. For love. With love.

***

Day 18/28: How often do you truly enjoy your body? Touch yourself in a loving and curious way, and not in an outcome driven sort of way, but just for the sake of savoring the nuances, the edges and curves; the bumps and bruises and scars? Appreciating the sum of the parts that make you whole. How do you hold space and witness the spectrum of beings around you? Can you see the art and beauty in all?

When I was in Berlin two years ago, was when I realized how much body shame I carried, how uncomfortable I was with myself as a sexual being and the space I occupied as such. This was made intensely clear when an exercise we did during a workshop that went something like this: as we wandered around the room [both men and women participants] we were to playfully say “yes” or “no” with our hips when we came to a halt in front of any person, looking them in the eyes, and then moving on to the next person— this was supposed to be without attachment and a way to express through our bodies. A “no” looked like shifting the hips left-to-right and a”yes” looked a bit like a pelvic thrust, forward and backward. And how did I do with this? I literally froze. And then proceeded to have a panic attack/emotional meltdown. Yes, an actual panic attack where I had to remove myself from the group and sit down because the level of anxiety around my sacral energy, my life force— and the idea of speaking that to anyone else, felt dangerous to my nervous system. So much shame and fear around expressing from that space, as a woman, freely. So much worry in how I would be received and the expectations that I realized I carried around as my own in response to how the world has assigned my value as a sexual object for the desires of men. Yea, that shit got real, fast. Not one of my favorite experiences ever, but a profound recognition of how powerful shame can be.

So to witness myself now, and how much more open and free I am in my expression; in ownership of the space I occupy and without shame of my being, is profound and brings a huge smile to my face. I love the moments when I take time to just enjoy myself, whether that is looking myself in the eye in the mirror, or watching myself as I explore the edges of how my body moves to the rhythm of whatever music is playing in the background. Learning to sit with the intensity of pleasure as I explore my actual sexual energy and noticing where I still have a hard time staying with myself in those intimate times. It’s a journey of radical acceptance and patience and unconditional love. Leaning in where I want to escape and injecting large doses of curiosity and kindness into every space as I continue coming home…

Today is a reflection on a really juicy/messy/complicated and often charged concept. It is absolutely incomplete, but as so many of my explorations, just pulling at the threads that find their way into my consciousness. As always, thank you for joining me on this journey. If any of this was challenging for you, I see you. I’m not here to judge your beliefs, but instead, am always attempting to share what i’m learning and exploring the edges of. So it’s an invitation to play and ask questions. If something jumps out at you, you can always dig a little deeper. And whatever doesn’t spark any juice from within, you can leave it right here. Tune into your truth and decide from that space what is for you and what is not. You know what is best for you. If you have any questions or reflections for me, I would love to hear them. You can email me info@nicolettebernardes.com or comment below.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

when fear has lost it’s {voice}

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Capricorn

“Silence” to me means the calm quiet that comes when fear has lost it’s voice”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

…when fear has lost it’s voice.

Ohhhh that line, sends a shiver throughout my body. The imagery it brings up: Fear as a being with laryngitis—losing its ability to speak vile, hateful, destructive rhetoric out into the world. Can you call up a person to mind, that you imagine that if they were just unable to speak anymore, would leave you feeling the urge to take one of those deep, relaxing and nourishing breaths in and then let it alllllll the way out? As in, you would finally able to relax into the spaces you occupy?

Now what if the potential to find that level of peace, is not dependent upon someone or something from the outside shifting or shutting up? What if it was fully and wholly accessible within you? What if it isn’t really about that person, that group of people “out there”?

Play along with me here if you will…

What if “they” are just a mirror, inviting you to witness a story, an emotion, or a belief you carry and hold onto within, and your reaction to their presence— your judgements or repulsion of their way of being for example— is an indicator of a space where some fear or shame resides within? Or at the very least an area thats ready to have some light shined onto it; to be called up into awareness. What if, it were a neon arrow— your reaction that is— attempting to serve you information about you on a silver platter; trying to guide you back to a certain truth? Trying to guide you back to you— your power place, your life force: back to soul.

Could you entertain that possibility? Could you be curious instead of indignant? Do you want to reject that instinctually [these questions i’m asking, the perspective i’m inviting you to reflect on]?

And if so, perfect. And, why?

I ask these questions, not because of any attachment to you buying into my thought processes, but as a curiosity: of what may shift in our collective reality if we changed our point of focus; if we shifted our beliefs— began viewing power as an absolute source accessible to all, from within— that there was no scarcity but instead enough [space, resources, time] for all… I truly wonder what would be different if we all had the internal space to take this on as a mindset and approach, and/or what would stay exactly the same.

I really don’t know, but I’m curious.

And for the record, i’m not saying that societal structures — patriarchy, systemic racism, white supremacy to name a few— don’t exist as a roadblock to our personal sovereignty and safety. They absolutely are real and affect many aspects of our lives, especially how we relate to and with the world.

What i’m inviting us to “try on” for a moment [if possible and for those that have that emotional desire and capacity], and again, out of curiosity, is a shift in our point of focus. Shifting the amount of energy going outward to the system, thing or person. Just for a few minutes let your imagination wander a bit… what if everything we [humanity as a whole] have ever needed to be whole, empowered, loving and compassionate beings has always been within us, never outside of us as we’ve been conditioned to view it?

And if we could shift our point of focus inward to what we have control over—how we show up, how we react— what might be different in our reality; or how might we relate to our outer world in a very different way?

My reflections come from a foundational belief that we are esteemed from within; our power comes from our connection to the divine that is within; — and that is a power nobody can ever take from us, it’s ours to harness; one that we can only ever give away or feel disconnected from— but regardless it’s always there when we are ready for it. And that what we choose [consciously or unconsciously] to focus on, speak on, attach ourselves to, has the power to affect/create our reality.

We are that powerful. And just as we can create from a place of fear and scarcity, so do we have the power to create from an empowered space, a space of love and truth and abundance.

And there are absolutely roadblocks that make this not as simple as how i’m stating it, I recognize this. Things like being in a state of chronic “fight or flight” [defense] mode as a result of, for example, generations of systemic oppression that have wired our nervous systems to be on high alert, operating from survival mode which doesn’t leave much room for things like higher consciousness and thriving; it just leaves us fighting for survival. So I get this isn’t a “snap my fingers” and poof— everything is magically different— but what if we could be open to it being different?

I deeply believe we all have the capacity to find that space. It’s not impossible, despite what has transpired in the past to lead you to where you are now. It requires a courage and taking the risk of tapping into some dark spaces, to begin to clear out and reset what has been. And for some, it’s a deeper, darker, longer road; a more exposed and dangerous road. Because at the physical level it’s an overhaul, rewiring of the way we relate to the world. But not an impossible journey.

What if we were simply open to risking the vulnerability of it being possible…what potential is on the other side of that unknown?

***

“When fear has lost it’s voice…”

There is a power in the simplicity of this statement. Fear is one of the most powerful motivators there is, as it goes hand in hand with our survival instinct. And when fear runs rampant, unchecked without any conscious awareness, it is both dangerous and often times is telling us stories that aren’t true. To be blunt, fear often times is a liar as it doesn’t know how to discern true danger from emotional discomfort. Our role as we evolve and grow is to learn the language of this discernment, to bring awareness to the moments when it arises and choose what is true and from there decide how to respond.

To be human means to be vulnerable. We cannot escape that reality. And fear has the most power over us— the most potency and potential as a destructive force— when we are in an unconscious state of this inherent vulnerability. Which is another way of saying: being human, unconsciously. We are dangerous when swimming in this natural state of existence from a lack of awareness and presence; disconnected from self and most destructively, disconnected from soul.

Being human isn’t the problem. Fear isn’t the problem. But perpetuating a rejection of our whole humanity; remaining in a low state of awareness and presence and allowing fear to be in the drivers seat as it relates to our behaviors and reactions— thats a problem.

Fear is highly contagious, it’s easy to amplify and is a powerful motivating force. It’s how we harness it that determines the effect it has. Do we escape the discomfort and intensity of the reaction in our body and project it out; blindly react to it? Or do we hold space for it in loving awareness, listen to what it’s telling us about what we are perceiving in our present moment and then transmute it into inspired action? How we respond to it is what dictates the impact it has on our inner state of peace, as well as the impact it has on the world around us. As within, so without.

So if fear unchecked and unconscious is the problem, how do we go about the business of shifting?

By doing one of the simplest, yet most challenging and confronting things there is: cultivating a relationship with and learning to be with self.

and how do you do this, you may be wondering?
By beginning to hold curious, kind and non-judgmental space for all of you. Looking at who you have been [yes including the shameful bits] and who you fear you may or may not be; the narratives of “not enough” or “too much” that the world has deemed makes you unloveable— all of it— and beginning to call bullshit on what is not true, witnessing the aspects and experiences you want to look away from and embracing yourself with a loving reverence and compassionate accountability.

By noticing and dismantling the patterns of coping that keep us stuck in these loops of fear—react—fear.

It’s in creating space within— a pause if you will— to ask “am I in danger or am I uncomfortable?” and holding space in that pause for an answer; and choosing our response from within the pause.

Noticing the stories about our sense of belonging and safety in the spaces we occupy. Digging deeper yet, and asking where that story came from, and if it is still true, or is it something that in the past you needed to protect yourself, but no longer need [this is where the part about calling bullshit on that which isn’t relevant anymore becomes useful].

And throughout all, employing radical honesty and acceptance of what is and has been— not condoning bad behavior and also not condemning yourself, but instead, holding loving accountability for how you showed up and reacted; beginning to accept what happened as it happened, and from that acceptance, processing how you felt/feel— your response to it. Honoring the space those emotions occupy within you as yours and valid, while recognizing that they aren’t you— they are merely indicators, information about what is happening within you. Your role in the process is to hold space for whatever arises— no matter the level of intensity or discomfort— and trusting that it’s ok [even when it hurts like hell]; giving those very emotions the same acceptance that you would want to receive from someone you love and then giving them permission to move on when they are ready.

Becoming a witness and a safe container for reflection; always coming from that foundation of curiosity, kindness and non-judgement...

“And this is what it means to rest in silence. Because this is when all those voices, those ideas and stories we wrestle with inside us, the ones that keep us up at night, and lead us to believe we aren’t worthy of love, or of anything good, this is when the whole clamorous riot goes mute.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

It has never been outside of us. And yet, we’ve looked everywhere out there, to no avail— traveled to the ends of the literal and metaphorical earth, searching for “it”. And all along, it’s been in the silence. In that space, those moments, where fear loses it’s voice and all that remains is love…

"We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

***

Day 12/28: Ok, today this expression came seemingly out of nowhere [and everywhere at the same time *insert eye roll here]. The thread I pulled started from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” this morning over my morning coffee. If you’ve been following along here or on IG, you may have noticed me quoting a lot from Meggan Watterson’s work and it’s because this book… whew… there is just so much triumphant YES from within, I don’t have enough space to write about all that has been sparked by reading this. It’s one of those books where I can feel a truth I always knew was there but never had language or context to put to it. It grabs me by my everything and invite me deeper into spaces I instinctively know but may be altogether “new” to my conscious awareness. And with that, it sparks an inspiration; courage for me to speak on things that I may have been more cautious about in the past; especially out of fear of being misunderstood or worry over crafting an incomplete expression that misses something important [which they all really are anyway as they are just streams of consciousness]. The quotes I incorporated today, are the type of words that brought tears to my eyes and a vibration through my body that give me a courage to pull at threads and weave together my curiosities and share with you. So yea. That and today the Hindu goddess Durga came up, both in “Mary Magdalene Revealed”, but also in an oracle card I pulled before a client session today, and the quote and image below are from that card that fueled my inspiration today.

“An icon for independence and divine power of the light, Durga is the solar mother who shines light, restores order and protects the human soul by destroying impurities such as jealousy, hatred, anger and selfishness. She is creative, inventive responsive and powerful. The Sanskrit word durga means “fort”, a place that is protected in battle, unable to be overcome.”

-Earth Warriors Oracle

[and also the full excerpt from the quote above with a bit about Durga:]

“Whats so profound about Mary is that the “yes” she said to that surge of light that came in the form of an angel within her, a yes she never uttered outside of her, became of of the greatest expansions of love in the history of religions… I nodded in humility to Mary. To her courageousness that’s still left so unacknowledged , and uncelebrated. She should be riding a tiger like the Hindu Goddess Durga. We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

I feel like a bit of a broken record in saying this, but I always mean it: Thank you for exploring along with me… I don’t know where i’m going until I get there any given day, so my hope is that you are pulling something resonant out and it is inviting you deeper into you, or at the very least you are getting a kick out of how my crazy mind processes the world ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

You have a choice.

I receive you in your humanity. 

Fall down. Get back up. Learn. Try again.

I do not fault you for your uncertainty.

I do not fear your chaos.

I’m here. Arms open, ready to receive you as you are.

Because who you are is enough. I know that may scare you, even allowing yourself to think for a moment that could really be true. Not only because up to this point in your life you have been reminded constantly how you are falling short; how you need to be or do something more or less or different than what you are in order to be accepted, to be given the love you so desperately seek to feel.

Those subtle and not so subtle messages have made it hard enough—damn near impossible even— to stop and rest. To be grounded and at home within. It’s hard enough to be accepting of your true self when the world is telling you that who you are is somehow inherently wrong or flawed.

But also, this message: "You are just enough”, it terrifies the part of you that has been conditioned to believe you have to do— to strive and to perform— in order to belong.

It challenges the lessons instilled that you have to sacrifice and betray Self in order to be safe and loved.

Because if in a moment, you were to stop all the striving and performing and seeking the “good job” from outside of yourself, and allow the truth of your inherent worthiness to permeate your entire being; if you could open up your heart and allow yourself to acknowledge that who you are has always been enough, that there is nothing you need to do or be more or less of in order to be worthy of the love, belonging, and connection you have always desired, there would be no more barriers in the way. 

In the way of what?

Of your truth. Of the clarity and presence and trust necessary to live in alignment with your unique purpose in this life. Of a sense of fulfillment. Of your empowerment.

Of your freedom.

If you were to recognize that you are already worthy, then there is nothing standing in the way of you having that which your heart so deeply desires.

Except you. You are the barrier.

And once you see that— once you realize that life isn’t just yanking you around against your will— your eyes will be opened to the recognition that you have a choice.  You get to choose how you show up and how you react to everything that you are presented with in this life. That is what you can control. That is all that you can control.

And to recognize that you have a choice offers you the invitation to get off the train of disappointment, victimization and isolation and requires you to take personal responsibility:

Of your choices to this point.

Of who you are as a result of those choices.

Of your emotions and reactions to your emotions.

Of the fear or shame you feel for the perception of weakness or inadequacy for having emotions; for being vulnerable.

It would require taking responsibility for your inescapable humanity.

[The collective paradox: we fear, repress and shame ourselves for being exactly what we were perfectly designed to be.]

And that can be overwhelming. But it could also be simultaneously empowering. Or maybe just disarming. Definitely unfamiliar. Yet maybe, just maybe a little something like a truth that cannot be denied if you were to sit still with it for a moment and allow it to sink in.

Maybe it feels a little dangerous to recognize that personal power has always been within reach and that nobody dictates that but you. Or maybe it feels like you have been led astray and you’re angry that it’s taken you this long to realize, or that nobody told you that you have had a choice all along.

[Maybe you are afraid of feeling angry or feeling anything at all.]

Perfect. Feel that, whatever that is.

Letting that truth rise within, when you have lived your whole life under the paradigm of power being something that must be given or taken, when everyone in your life up to this point has operated under that same belief system, and when all you know is the feeling of being controlled and emotionally manipulated, the shock of that shift can feel like everything is crumbling beneath your feet. Like the ground is literally falling out from underneath you, and at any moment, you could be free falling into a dark hole of oblivion, of unknown and uncertainty; falling to your death.

That’s what it feels like, or at least, that’s what fear tells you it will feel like if you allow yourself to recognize the role you have played in this all along.

And I’ll tell you now, if you were to decide to embrace it— to lean into that visceral discomfort of your current paradigm crumbling around and within you— this is exactly what happens. You will die. A metaphorical death that is, in order to be reborn into the Truth.

Liberation requires death. You must shed that which holds you in suffering and paralyzed by fear. That which has left you feeling unstable on your own two feet the majority, if not your entire life. That which has kept you small. This all must die away. 

[Who are you without the comfortable confinement of your own disempowerment?]

Do you know? Are you willing to take the risk to find out?

Falling into the dark absolutely will feel scary because it’s unknown. And unknown is a discomfort that feels a lot like danger. But what if you wrote a new narrative about death, darkness, the shadows? A shift in perspective is all it would take for the cold, lonely and scary darkness to become your period of incubation, free floating in the protected nourishment of the womb. Growing, supported and preparing to enter a new life. The darkness and all that comes with it, could be a gift for you. A caterpillar into chrysalis; dying off one form in order to complete the transformation into a butterfly. It’s all in your point of focus. Another choice that is yours to make.

From what perspective will you witness this transition?

You get to choose.

Are you going to grasp to the old, comfortable suffering? Stay in defensive maneuvering and under your favorite suit of armor, waiting for the next attack from the world around you to come, all the while clinging to and feeling the familiar pain of separateness, isolation and loneliness under the illusion of control you are so desperately attempting to maintain?

[It is comfortable, it will feel safer and easier.]

Or, are you going to surrender? Let the ground beneath you quake, feel the fear rise and lean in. Can you let the darkness [the unknown] wash over you and take you exactly where you need to go?

[Letting go for the opportunity of a lifetime: experiencing true freedom— the liberation of You.]

You choose.

You can stay “safe”. Fearing what you may lose if you risk opening yourself to the vulnerability required for the love and connection you so deeply desire to unfold. Taking your habitual defensive stance and not allowing anything close enough to you to ever hurt you again.

Or, you can allow the cracks you’re already feeling within— from the lifetime[s] of disappointment and pain— to become fissures; to be broken open, smashed to pieces and turned into ash and dust. To be reborn into the truth that you have always had within, always known in your soul, but has felt too dangerous, too uncomfortable to embrace:

That you are just enough.

That you are love and loved, unconditionally.

That you are worthy as you are.

The choice is yours. Embrace death or avoid it; shift your perception of what it means to die, or stay stuck fearing it, behind the walls you have built to avoid it. Defending your fortress of solitude. But if you choose to hide behind your walls, safe and comfortable, you will never know the soul shaking, shifting and expanding feeling of a true, deep and unconditional love.

You will never be seen and truly known for exactly who it is that you are. Because what comfort and safety requires of you is that you hide. And nobody can see you if you are hiding.

[You can’t see you if you are hiding.]

And to exist in this life without ever knowing your depths, corners and edges; to never touch and taste the exquisite duality of your light and dark; to never be stripped down, fully vulnerable and seen and truly known, loved and accepted by another— in my opinion— is a fate worse than death. For there is no living without death; and living fearing death with the primary goal of avoiding that which is inevitable, is merely existing.

So you choose.

Safety in hiding and comfort, being alive yet never truly living.

Or death in daring to open; accepting yourself, in all your brilliant and beautiful humanity, perfect mess and miraculous grace. Death for true belonging and experiencing the fullness this life has to offer.

Whatever you choose is perfect, and that choice is yours to make. All I ask is that you do your best to hear me when I say:

I receive you in your humanity. 

Fall down. Get back up. Learn. Try again.

I do not fault you for your uncertainty.

I do not fear your chaos.

I’m here. Arms open, ready to receive you as you are.

You are loved immensely and unconditionally.

And who you are is, and always has been, just enough.

With gratitude and ALWAYS love,

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“How does one become a butterfly?” she asked pensively. Orange Butterfly “You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar.”

– Trina Paulus

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