back in my body //

ask and ye shall receive //

I thought it was higher heart + throat/jaw… So I asked LOVE, “what is it that wants to be revealed— in this moment, in the highest good? What is the tension in my higher heart/throat/jaw wanting to show me? And as soon as the words left my mouth, I got a little nudge in the form of a burning feeling in my lower belly, on my right side— seems Sacral didn’t want to be left out of the party tonight— and when I asked “is there something here you want to show me??”, tears immediately sprang to the surface— so yea, I suppose there was something Sacral wanted to express. So, again I asked, this time including sacral into the mix, what it was that wanted to be witnessed, acknowledged and I got :

Conflict.

Ok. So I then asked, “what is the conflict between?”

And I received “Conflict between locking down and opening… and LOVE continued…

“All this potent energy in your belly— your fire— in your higher heart and hara— is stuck. It’s stuck in your hips and your legs and knees, your back and feet. It stayed dormant for as long as it could. To give you time to take care of what needed tending, but now it’s ready to fucking move. You’ve been still, depressing this potent life force energy into every corner—every joint that has felt sluggish or stuck— of your being that you could manage in order to integrate and heal. But now you must honor the warrior energy, the athlete you have always been— a physical presence in this world. You must honor the vessel. Care for this magnificent machine in order to build the resilience and stamina for your next steps. Move the energy.

I know you have much resistance to going here, to going hard, to leaning in— I know how much pain you were in for so long. I know how betrayed you felt, by your body and how so much of the joy you had for moving it got wrapped in memories of being incapacitated every time you finally felt you were getting back into a rhythm.

How disheartening it has been. How there are still lingering memories of arguments with him, the one who tried to control and break your will and with it took a place that was like church— as close to sacred space as you knew at that point— for you and turned it into one more place to be hyper-vigilant of your presence, more aware of the space you took up and who was watching and taking responsibility for that. How it was just easier to walk away than fight. How you left pieces of your integrity behind in those spaces.

And now, there doesn’t feel like a space where you belong; in those places you once occupied, so maybe you just need to create your own. Or cultivate a personal practice. Or do your best to wash away the old narratives and look at it with fresh eyes and an open curiosity. But either way, you need to sweat, move, get into your being and shake loose all the dormant gunk. You have to trust that your body will have your back (literally and figuratively) You don’t have to do anything that leaves you in pain— but you do need to get uncomfortable, lean into the resistance and rebuild your vessel.

It was ok that you stepped away from this tending for the time you did, but it’s time to come back. You can be strong and healthy without being in pain. You deserve— your body deserves— that love. And this is an edge of comfort you once knew so well, yet have shied away from for so many years. It’s time to find your way back, in a new way. Breathe fresh life into, integrate what you have gathered and make it FUN again. Make it empowering and authentic to where you are in this moment. Allow it to meet you in this version of you.

I understand the conflict. You have shed so much of that old being that didn’t serve who you truly were, and your athletic pursuits, your competitive nature, was deeply intertwined with that old, not-true self. The loss of identity you experienced after college, when volleyball was all of a sudden done and the whole scary world lay in front of you, and you without a plan; the grief of how it all ended…and how much of that weight you carried as a burden of responsibility and blame— as though it was in your control [it wasn’t], as though it somehow proved and affirmed that you were never good enough all along [ughh this one still has some stank on it]. I know it led you down paths that hurt. A lot. There was nothing you could have known back then that would have prepared you. And because you didn’t know, you were led even further away from you. But it also led you here. To this moment. To this you. You found your way back.

Had it been comfortable and a neat and tidy straight line, would you be here? Without the tension and the pain and the sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that something was terribly wrong… would you have started seeking and found this whole world you never had a clue existed? Would you still have made unbearably hard decisions for the sake of your survival, that uncovered all this knowledge and truth? You know you. That type of existence— the comfortable and easy wouldn’t have required any of this of you. And you know now that this is what you are here for. This work. This excavation…

Dear one, it’s time to come back to you. And for you—for your soul. This requires coming back to and rebuilding your relationship with your body. You have to rebuild the physical to mend the spirit it houses. And I know you’re scared, and that’s ok too. It’s ok.

It’s time to integrate. Whole being. You can do this. Trust. Lean into the spaces that feel good— soul filled spaces. Move, and express, and move some more. You know what to do. Trust. You aren’ t the same lost woman you were all those years ago. Say thank you to her for how she led us here, stumbling and uncertain and fucking shit up along the way. She got us here. Witness and honor her fear and hesitation to going back into those places and let her know, she isn’t alone anymore. It’s time to forgive what needs to be forgiven. It’s time to let go of what no longer serves. It’s time to rewrite the narrative and to carve out time and care for your whole self.

I love you. You can do this. LOVE “

***

Day 2// Same drill as yesterday- tuning into my body and asking what wants some attention and then asking whatever questions came to me, to LOVE , and writing out whatever answer LOVE had to give.

I have to say, tonight surprised me a bit. I have been grappling all week with tension in my upper back and chest [for you Be Activated folks, my SCM points (K27 meridian point for you energy practitioners) has been SPICY AF the past few days] and so when I tuned in this evening I wasn’t surprised to feel those areas, but the other aspects of what came up, and the narrative that LOVE answered me with— caught me totally off guard with the emotion I felt behind it.

I have been aware that it’s time for me to get back to tending to my physical body [after I have been very avoidant the past year and a half or so], and is something I am already starting to consciously step back into, but the other threads, the ones that tied the tension to my sacral area to my higher heart— the grief and unprocessed pain that I apparently packed away for a rainy day— are now coming to collect [and oh hey, it just so happens it’s literally raining as I type these words— haha].

I think why I decided to approach this little writing challenge in this way, specifically incorporating the practice of asking self what wants to be witnessed and asking it questions [out loud for me seems to be far more effective that silently in my head for what it’s worth for anyone who wants to give it a shot], was because on some level, I knew this was the way to unpack that which was hidden from my conscious mind. Pretty fucking cool if you ask me. I thought I was starting this challenge to get my creative juices back on-line, but maybe it’s to support this integration of being that i’m focused on and being calling into in this season. Which in turn, will allow me to focus the channeling of my creative energy, with the stamina needed, to bring forward whatever it is I can feel itching to be let loose. Love it. Not the physical tension— headaches and achy joints aren’t my fave— but I do love that my innate wisdom, the knowledge in my body is literally just ready to give me the answers, that serve in this moment, if i’m just willing to ask. And then listen. And then stay with myself through it [ok so maybe it’s not easy, but kinda annoyingly simple].

Any-who my loves, on that note, i’m going to process this a bit more before I go to bed. Thank you for witnessing me bringing to the surface knots of threads I didn’t even realize were entangled. And if this expression has brought anything up for you, I invite you as always to sit with it, witness it with curiosity and maybe ask LOVE , what it is that it needs from you in the moment, that will serve your highest good. Then just pause, breathe and see what happens. And if you are looking to sort it out in a safe container, please connect with me and I would be honored to hold the space and journey with you.

Be well, sweet dreams and until next time ✌🏼

Much love,

Nicolette

Oh, and PS- as I wrote out the title of this post, it brought a dope-ass-song by Maggie Rogers [link takes you to youtube to listen if you are so inclined] by the same name. Thanks Amanda for kicking this one my way last year/

And all along the highway, there's a tiny whispering sound // Saying I could find you in the dark of any town // But all that I am hearing in the poem of my mind // Are silent twisted words finding their way in every line // This time, I know I'm fighting // This time, I know I'm (Back in my body)…

- Maggie Rogers, “Back In My Body”

uncertainty + allowance //

Day 1 // Some context for this expression [also, there is more at the end]: I’m practicing being more intentional about tuning into my body/spirit/energy and both noticing what is present, that may want to just be witnessed, that may want or need to be shifted or cleared; and also asking these aspects of Self, what they need, what they may be trying to tell me. So the following is a reflection of this exercise in tuning into self, asking what wants attention today and then asking LOVE a question to be answered as a support and writing the response in flow...

Today I tuned in and it was uncertainty in the area of my solar plexus and this is what came up for me…

uncertainty //

I find myself stalling— still half embodying my true and full creative expression. Hesitant to share the depths my inner voice speaks from, in that foreign language— sometimes unfamiliar even to me.

I feel envy— jealous of those I see that put it all out there. Those whose creativity seems as though it cannot be contained. I imagine* them liberated, full and flowing; creations spilling out of them just like the stories I create* about their perceived freedom of being. And when I look in the mirror, the artist— that beautiful liberated being— feels so far from the woman I see staring back at me. She still more often than not, feels stuck, blocked, resistant to letting it all loose…

[*calling out that i’m creating stories based on perception and reminding myself that it is my imagination filling in gaps, and that I don’t really know the truth. One of the most valuable tools I have learned on this journey of self awareness is recognizing that we create all sorts of stories based on our own perceptions, judgements, fear, insecurity, etc and there is no shame in that, but keeping a pulse on the fact that I don’t them to be true is really valuable to separate out the truth from the non…

com·par·i·son //

noun ; 1. a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.a consideration or estimate of the similarities or dissimilarities between two things or people.

Comparison—a dangerous game. Even when, maybe especially when, comparing where we are now to who we think/feel/know we could be. The gap between the current version of self and the “other” whole/free/real being we haven’t yet stepped fully into [or fear we may never become]. And that gap, while in actuality may only be a simple step, decision, or mindset shift away [or even wilder to consider— maybe we already are!? and just can’t/won’t see it], it can feel like the abysmal void— like being lost in the infinity of deep space with not an ounce of gravity to ground us into something real; leaving us feeling untethered to our true being, indefinitely floating.

There was a video I saw on Instagram a few days ago by @sahdsimone about comparison. A beautiful invitation to redirect perspective in those moments when we feel comparison shame creeping in—that not supportive “imagining” we do— to reframe it to something supportive and inspired by saying out loud [to yourself as though you are speaking to the person you are directing the comparison to]:

“thank you for showing me what is possible. May you be happy.”

I love this! And now as I write it out— I’m wondering how I could use that for the gap between who I perceive [+ where I perceive] myself to be, in this moment, and the feeling I get that i’m still only a fraction of Her fullness?

I suppose it’s as simple as saying to self [+ the vision/imagination of who I am capable of becoming]

“[Vision/imagination]— thank you for showing me what is possible. I am grateful for the inspiration it brings me as I continue to grow/become more myself. I love you.”

Reframing the disappointment, frustration/anxiety/self directed pressure to instead being grateful for the daydreaming— you know, those lofty thoughts and visions of what life could be like if there were no limitations— even if it feels crazy or unattainable. Those thoughts that often times we judge as being escapism from the “reality” of our current lives; that we have been told there is nothing productive in our “heads being in the clouds” and to “come back down to earth”{fuck that shit— seriously}— these are precious gifts that can be harnessed if we give them the space and reverence to be; to take root and blossom.

The reason we negate them or allow them to spin us into anxiety [oh hey there, it’s me], is because to open ourselves up to the possibility for something so big, different, uncertain— that’s fucking vulnerable. And it is for sure safer to our ego to be “realistic”. In fact, i’ve been stamping out my capacity to vision and imagine a life I truly desire and want to build for most of my life, in the name of being realistic. And it’s a habit i’m working diligently to break, because I know in my bones, that on the other side of my fear, what comes up in my imagination is the way to the life I came here to live fully.

Is it scary and uncomfortable? Yes. Is it hard to stay in trust some days? Absolutely. It’s why i’m still grappling with this shit. And I also know, that it’s just now my time to break these particular limiting beliefs so I can step into the next, truest version of me. The timing in perfect in my unfolding, as is yours.

So, thank you Soul, Heart, Love, [ME], for allowing me to see what I am in the process of creating [yes, creating— just by visioning]. I can be happy in this moment and excited for where I am moving; how i’m growing. Even when I can’t quite see the fully formed shape of what that looks like, maybe especially when I can’t see— just another invitation to trust in the unfolding...

allowance //

So when I ask LOVE “how do I shift this uncertainty sitting in my solar plexus?” [related to this season of my being and where I am headed next, the aspects of self that still feel trapped— that I am feeling impatience around— and what it will take to release them].

LOVE whispers gently back to me:

“Allowance. Allow yourself to be cared for. Nourished. To move slow, or fast. To sleep. And read. And daydream. To get lost in nature. To make love a meditation and making love a practice in liberation. Speak often and true. Share musings and stray thoughts. One moment, one sliver of awareness at a time… “

allowance.

I am the steward and architect of my life, in co-creation with the divinity of Soul and the agreements I made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through my veins.

[And as within, so without— you are the steward and architect of your life, in co-creation/collaboration with the divinity of Soul and the agreements you made to be here in this time, in this body, with this flavor of truth flowing through your veins.]

And so it is…

***

day 1 // I’m back at it again. I have been feeling stalled in not only my creativity but also in my expression, so i’m back again with another writing challenge to myself. I’m starting with a month of blog posts based on reflective writing exercises, where I am tuning into self, asking “what is asking to be noticed, explored” and seeing what comes up. I have no idea what will come up this go around, but that’s part of the fun, I think ;). I’m sharing here as a place to record and hold myself accountable to this exploration of self, and also as an offering to you; an invitation for you to do your own exploration or possibly find resonance in the specific aspects/themes I happen to be exploring any given day. Thank you for being here with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Nicolette