A W E N

First Quarter Moon in Scorpio

“Awen is the thread that connects us to that life force. When we connect in good relationship to the world around us, those threads shimmer with awen, with inspiration. We know that we are a part of the web, wholly and utterly connected. When we feel that connection with other beings, soul to soul, and our sense of self lessens, we are inspired by that connection. We then think of ourselves less, and our perception opens out to a wider perspective on the world, one that is more inclusive rather than just our own self-centred point of view. We become a thread in the web… Awen helps us to see beyond ourselves, and perhaps paradoxically to allow us to see ourselves in everything.”

-Joanna van der Hoeven via: http://torstone.org/featured-articles/the-awen

***

Yesterday I was triggered emotionally during a challenging conversation with a person that I care very deeply for. [check out yesterday’s post if you want some background]

And last night, I processed and did my best to just allow whatever emotions to be there and move their way around and out [emotions, after all, are just energy that want to move]. I was a witness to the stories I was creating [that were doing their best to pull me away from me]; the projections of blame or the ways in which I was misunderstood or rejected— how it couldn’t have been my fault or it was all my fault [I tend to swing between those extremes for a bit before I can find the balance point of truth]. And then I went to bed, tired and a bit emotionally spent after a few good, intense cries. I didn’t judge it, I didn’t force a resolution to it. I just let it be and move.

And then, I woke up this morning, on this watery Scorpio first quarter moon, day three of my cycle, feeling more in my body than I had been in weeks. The intense release catalyzed by a challenging situation dropped me right into the space that was created by allowing that big energy to move.

I went about my day, had a good laugh and chat with my friend/badass barista/inspiring creative/all around awesome human at my local coffee shop and had a slow and gentle day [this was my day off after a weekend of client work]. I drank my coffee, enjoying every delicious bite of the protein brownie that I ordered with my too many shots of espresso. I read a book i’ve been slowly picking my way through and allowed a powerful story to move me to tears [yes in public] and at the crescendo of the story, “River” by Leon Bridges came on my Spotify playlist— and I allowed myself to pause, close my eyes and allow the lyrics and the melody to sweep me along as I physically swayed to the rhythm. I came home to a surprise gift on my doorstep, sent by my dear sweet sister, Natalie, and upon opening it was moved to more tears of unfiltered gratitude for such a generous gesture.

This was a pleasurable day for me. Tuned into the subtleties of my internal tempo. Responding to the world around me from an embodied, open and loving space. Catalyzed by an intense and uncomfortable conversation and subsequent “negative” emotions that sparked an intense emotional response. I slowed down and allowed myself to be done—allowed my day to flow instead of manically doing to avoid feeling.

And because I was open to lean into a challenging conversation—because I was able to hold space for sadness and feelings of anger and rejection to be and move through me— I created space for more love, more joy, more sensitivity to subtle beauty in my present environment to flood into my awareness and ignite my senses in a simple and delicious way. Sweet beautiful contrast.

This is living intentionally, in loving relationship: with myself and the world around me.

I share this in an attempt to paint a picture of what becomes possible, what depths of being we have the capacity to access, when we allow ourselves the space, of curiosity, non-judgement and radical honesty to witness the all-ness of our humanity.

It is a spectrum. One most of us were taught was dangerous to swing to the edges of. One we fight, repress and reject in our attempts to be “right” and “good” [which at the core is the instinctive desire to be safe, being the social creatures we are— and is a hindrance to our being fully expansive beings].

Do I like having challenging conversations with loved ones? No.

But do I think they are bad or wrong or regret them? No.

Because even when I don’t show up in my highest capacity, even when i’m reactive and not present; when I allow fear to run the show for just long enough to wince at what comes out of my mouth, or when I want to lose my shit on someone who I both love dearly and want to throttle some days— I am now at a point in my life where I can accept my humanity for what it is: imperfect, intense, often times irrational. And my emotional states are all a part of a greater cycle that are designed to ebb and flow, guiding me deeper into a beautiful trusting and soul-full relationship with myself.

I don’t judge the experience as my being bad or good or in this case, him being right or wrong, I witness the experience and what it brought up in me and work through the charge that is living in my body, asking to be tended to.

Do I run around wildly reacting and projecting on the world around me? No.

I take time to process, do my best to see objectively the role I played and where I could have shown up better, been more loving or compassionate; I acknowledge what I was feeling in reaction to the other persons response to me so I can understand what it was that was upsetting me. I question the beliefs or old stories that I was tying to the current experience and decide if it’s the same thing, or just fear telling me a story of the imaginary danger i’m in.

And then I make the next best decision I can from a place of presence and what feels in the highest good in this moment, from my internal power place; from my truth.

The key to this is presence and awareness and a capacity to sit with self through moments of discomfort. I haven’t always been able to hold space for this so I know the contrast and what the judgement of being “wrong” or imperfect does to keep us in cycles that don’t serve us. I know how crushing this type of experience can be— how dangerous it can feel because of how deep the conditioning runs and how the rest of the world currently responds to authentic humanity as a whole—I really get it. Most of the world hasn’t done the work of coming home to self and accepting our inherent humanity. I know this, because it is not only what I support others in unlocking within their own journey, but it has also been my consistent self-work for the better part of the last 5 years. This is coming home. And I see everywhere I look the unnecessary suffering as a result of avoidance and rejection of self.

So I get that this journey into the unknown can be really isolating and scary without a lot of examples of how to walk the walk. It takes courage to step into the dark and stumble around. But the beautiful truth in it all, is whether we know it or not in this moment, we all have the capacity to hold the tension of the paradox of being spiritual beings having a human experience. We have everything we need inside of us to hold space for our emotional spectrum and choose the responses that best represents who we are, our integrity and values, moment to moment. We have the capacity to set boundaries that make it very clear what is ok for us, and what is not. And we have the capacity to hold strong on those boundaries as that is truly what enables us to be open-hearted, compassionate, whole beings showing up in the world… It’s all there for us. We just have to dive in and make our way back, to remember what is innately and divinely ours.

It is not easy work to get there. It’s incredibly confronting. And you will mess up a lot, you will fall on your face— more than you want to ever acknowledge or imagine, and there is perfection in that because that is how we learn; it’s how we grow. And it is how we create a space to enable to cultivating and nourishment of the relationships we deeply and inherently desire— both with self and with others.

This is a microcosm of the larger and necessary transition that the collective is calling out for even if they don’t consciously know it by name. It’s the shift from transactional interacting to relationships. From economy to ecosystem. This is about cultivating relationship.

In order to receive another and accept and grow to trust them— build solid, safe and unconditionally loving relationships— we have to be able to accept that others are imperfect and messy: they are human. In order to accept that in others, we first have to hold space for and accept that within ourselves. And in order to get to that point, we have to be able to witness and feel our humanity. All of it. We have to learn to sit with the tension of the courageous vulnerability required to go to the depths of being and excavate the truth that’s been there all along.

Awen is a state of being, experienced through a clarity that only conscious awareness can hold the capacity for.

And this is why I say I am grateful for the challenges like I had last night, because without them, I would not be able to push against the edges of my comfort zone. Without the loving relationship cultivated with this other human— that has taken time and had it’s ups and downs, but at the core is built on a deep trust and respect for one another— there would not have been a space to be opened to experience confrontation that neither of us is particularly comfortable with. That space gave us the liberty to both be reactive and recognize we can survive; allowed us to experientially learn that just because we disagree, or one or both of us is triggered or hurt, our mutual love is unconditional. Even when we don’t like the other very much in the moment.

The part I didn’t share with you last night, was while I was charged amidst the conversation and I left it feeling a bit on fire from the inside, we also held a respect for one another as we each acknowledged our defenses and miscommunications. We expressed gratitude for the other[me a little begrudgingly, but I was doing the best I could in that moment] and said goodbye with love. I had my own work to do after to sort through the response I was feeling in my body, but again, that was mine to sort through. And as i’ve already described, that process of taking ownership of my own experience, led me deeper into me; reminded me as reinforcement that I can survive a challenging conversation with a man I care for without the world ending [deep irrational abandonment fears come on strong and need some reinforcement to prove they aren’t true sometimes]. And it opened a space for deeper embodiment to flood in so I could experience today at a depth that wasn’t accessible the day before. It was hard and it was ok.

Trust comes from experience, and patience and standing in through the discomfort and accepting humanity—being able to witness the self in other. We are all connected. We all breathe and sleep and bleed. We all feel. And we have forgotten this on the surface level. This is where awen comes in. Intentionally building and standing in the discomfort of the vulnerability of relating with self and one another. This is where we must move if we want to create a world where there instead of being in constant conflict with one another we can begin to bring others in closer; holding space, in love, for all. We must build relationship.

“For awen to exist, there must be a relationship. We cannot be inspired unless we are open, and we cannot be open unless we have established a relationship, whether that is with the thunder, the blackbird or a god.  It is cyclical in nature; we open and give of ourselves and in doing so we receive, and vice versa. Letting go, releasing into that flow of awen allows it to flow ever more freely, and we find ourselves inspired not only in fits and bursts of enlightenment or inspiration but all the time, carrying that essence of connection and wonder with us at all times.” 

-Joanna van der Hoeven via: http://torstone.org/featured-articles/the-awen

“Power In Your Hands” via IG @ameyasrealm; print available on https://ameyasrealm.com/

***

Day 8/28 {Being} moved: Sometimes I have to wander blindly for a bit to figure out where it is i’m going. This piece was a wandering journey that I, full transparency, have not enjoyed [the writing today that is]. I wanted desperately for it to be a short, quick and to the point expression so I could go about my evening. That didn’t happen. This is the practice and challenge of this challenge. Following the calls I’m getting in the present moment and seeing where they take me. Amidst it all, the theme, the thread that felt inspired to pull today, is “awen” . I’m grateful I stuck with it, through my resistance to find the point my heart wanted to express tonight. I’m continuing to learn about myself day in and day out. What a beautiful wild confusing mess this all is ;)

Today I am overwhelmed with love, and inspired by the generosity and fierce grace of the beautiful beings in my life. My sisters, my family, my soul mates. And special shout out to my soul sister, who was the first DM I saw in the morning that started off with “I just read your post- who do we need to hex?” 🤣🤣🤣{she was joking, but I felt good to know she had my back}. And with that, it’s almost midnight and I may or may not turn into a pumpkin or something like that, so I will say goodnight. As always, deep thanks to you being here, reading my words, following along with my journey of reflecting in response to the world around me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

all begins {in the dark}

Waxing Crescent in Virgo

It all begins in the dark where I lie unencumbered, receiving your divine interruptions. I know it’s you, your light shines through the darkest night; your presence reinvigorates the eternal flame under this waxing crescent, signal of conception; the harvest of hopes and desires to come.

Here you and I; we individually and collectively constantly sit: the void between innocence and ownership, where a long waged battle for the chosen ones is fought.

And you came to me in the momentary pause between night and day. Whispering messages I was bound to remember, my heart’s desire, my love. Reminding me of the constant cleansing process required; surrendering of that which is not mine yet easily can become a burdensome weight to carry on my shoulders.

Leaving breadcrumbs that lead to archetypal stories rife with remembering. Truth. Wisdom. Balance. The insignificant space between life and death; light and dark; chastity and indulgence—wholeness via an integration of dualities.

And a strengthening of the resolve to stand strong on this path. Stripping away man-made constructs, exposing the truth that has always been, but not necessarily seen: incomplete partialities, not absolute. Expanding the boxes of consciousness to hold the immense amount of life force that is rising, taking up space after millenia of being stifled, repressed, buried; misunderstood and mistreated.

Consciousness meets life force. Light meets dark. Eros meets Psyche. Masculine meets Feminine.

Divine + Sacred union forged in the fire of transformation, soul moved by love: The Alchemical Marriage.

{“Marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage, a "transition to the unknown"** }

…And first there was dark, from where all else came to be…

***

“Since the ultimate end of the heroine's story is her final understanding of herself. It is the final acceptance of her totality of being, which includes her mind, body, and spirit. Psyche's story involves the ultimate acknowledgment that the soul can be granted immortality through its' ability to love.” *

When it comes to aspects of our being, the transition that I have found to be the most healing, is not the repression or rejection of those aspects within self that are hard to face in the mirror, but instead the integration and loving acceptance of them as a part of our whole being. A maturation process of transmutation. Learning to sit with and love the unloveable. Being with the not-beautiful. This is what the spiritual journey, the awakening journey is all about. Bringing more awareness to every moment, every space occupied [as within, so without] and integrating the seeming duality into the folds of our inherent wholeness.

[Bringing us back to divine balance, the gnosis of being both fully human and fully divine.]

◇

I had a dream last night that brought me to a space of reflection on darkness and light. That from darkness— death— is where all life emerges. And the integration of the polarities of energy that exist within us, masculine and feminine; light and dark— a vital part of the coming home journey— deepening to rise;

the deeper the roots, the higher the branches.

We as physical beings, are the midpoint. Soul’s sanctuary, keeping the eternal flame lit.

And our journey is not to escape the body, [the so-often glorified “transcendence” as a means of bypass] but instead to bridge the void between our whole humanity, the physical manifestations that we are, and whole divinity: our remembering of the divinity that we are, the god within. This illumination requires darkness.

And the journey of Psyche into divine union, through death [her marriage was also a funeral] required her surrendering into the depths to find the heights [in her case it was her drinking the elixir of immortality and securing her place amongst the Gods after she journeyed, through many tasks, including a trip to the underworld— and ultimately achieved divine union with Eros.]

Virgo [where our moon currently resides], is associated with Ceres, the grain goddess. Bountiful harvests that can only come to fruition by first planting seed into earth— to be nourished and incubated in the dark, to grow roots; taken from the earth [beginning of death] to sustain and nourish life.

We too are planted in this way. In the darkness and protection of the womb to grow, and eventually, incur a separation from the Mother. This separation is a vital part of the path. For if we were never separated, there would be nothing to find our way back to. Life/death/life. Inevitable absolutes. The forgetting is a vital component of the remembering. The stumbling and making mistakes, the “not knowing”— to be smacked upside the head with like a brick of sudden awareness—is on purpose. The journey to higher consciousness starts below the surface, an exploration deep in the underworld.

To find our way to divine union, which, as within, so without, is the coming home to balance—polarity— within self. And as such, in order to manifest the same in the outer world, we must take this journey first.

Relationship and self: both great entry points of exploration, both uncharted territory.

And here, is where we see that marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage. For to merge with other, one must first find self. Come home and merge with self. Coming home is experiencing, a clearing and de-rubbling, and a remembering; a return to a symbiotic relationship with the inherent cycles of nature, the mother—Life/death/life. An inherent rhythm, that if learned to dance to with grace, trust and in surrender, leads us, one step at a time, exactly where we are [meant to be].

***

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Day 4/28. Weaving threads and themes of: Vesta’s sacred and eternal hearth, divine union of Psyche and Eros; Nyx, the goddess of the night and alchemical marriage and [shocking I know] a bit about awakening, because that seems to be the place it always comes back to. It did actually begin with a dream that I woke to this morning and from there became as I mentioned in the poem, following the breadcrumbs and seeing where it led me. Honestly, I have no idea if this makes any sense, and, as a part of this challenge for me is writing and publishing same day, there is a fun little tension in flowing and attempting to connect dots [especially when I don’t begin writing until 8pm] and then waking up the next morning to see if I even like what I wrote [funny and true story]. Deepening into trust that whatever flows out of me is what is meant to [even if some days it’s terrible or makes no sense]. The practice of leaning into the edges of the journey, and being less worried about destination. Thank you as always for flowing with me ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

N1.3 The Chariot of Nyx; attributed to the Sappho Painter

PS:And here, are a few quotes I pulled from my google deep dive earlier today… enjoy ;)

Within the ascending Psyche, rooted in human matter, merging with the descending Eros, connected to heavenly light, we find a true soul communion.  According to Demetra George, the Psyche asteroid illuminates our capacity to be sensitive on a psychic level to an Other and is about our desire for a soul mate, a union with a lover under the guidance of divine energy through the path of conscious relationship.  Yet Psyche is not only about a spiritual and sexual union with an Other, but also can be about a union within the Self.  Through Psyche, erotic energy is akin to the procreative life force when we are swept away in our body by bonding with a lover or other desire.  In this way Eros is the primal, procreative force of our passion that underlies our vision and desires, as well as indicates our sexual attractions and vitality. https://graycrawford.net/tag/psyche/#:~:text=According%20to%20Demetra%20George%2C%20the,the%20path%20of%20conscious%20relationship.]

***

“The Alchemical Marriage is the union of duality and the most revered and possibly powerful union. It is the perfect conjunction, intimate bonding of duality and signifies the pure, deep harmony which occurs whenever the masculine and feminine elements of nature combines into One.” https://princessapetra.com/2016/11/07/on-alchemical-marriage/

*https://www.llewellyn.com/journal/article/1303

**https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid_and_Psyche

Crystal Carryin', Ripped Jean and Hoops Wearin' Kinda Girl

Crystal carryin', ripped jean and hoops wearin' kinda girl, thats just how I roll.

Thrift and vintage is where I vibe… making that which is old, new again; classic lines with a little somethin' extra.

Repurposing, refinishing and up-cycling. Consciously consuming and luxuriating in a time when things were built to last.

Beautiful; scuffs and snags and all.

Ancient soul, throwback heart; from a time long, long ago.

Finding my way back, trying not to look over my shoulder.

I’ve been here before you see; hopeful and idealistic, and while some may call it such, not naive.

Loving openly, sometimes recklessly, like a child who hasn’t known lifetimes of heartbreak.

Old school with a young heart.

To be me, means to be… it does not mean to fit in, nor be a part of the latest trends.

[Authenticity requires me not to subscribe; to labels, or your expectations].

I don’t belong in boxes and especially not in a cage.

Not object nor creature to be admired and kept; and most certainly not to be used for your entertainment or at your whim.

Catch me if you can, but never try to pin me into a corner. Your attempts to control and manage me like another one of your scheduled to do’s will not serve you in my presence.

My desire to be affirmed and loved does not outweigh my Soul’s need for expression and freedom.

And freedom to me does not mean without boundaries.

It means with choice.

It means you choose me and I choose you.

It means that I’m going to defy expectations.

I’m going to say things.

I’m going to put my big ass foot in my big ass mouth.

Sometimes, I’ll be wrong and I won’t want to admit it, or to face it, but I will.

And, I will probably cry because, well, conditioning and lifetimes of experience whispers in my ear the danger and consequences of being anything less than good and right.

Or maybe it’s just the innate fragility as a consequence of my caucasian experience.

Either way, I just don’t like it— being wrong that is— but i’ll come clean.

Because what I want more than to be right— what I need more— is for it to be true.

It being me; us.

I need truth like I need air to breathe.

How do I know this?

Contrast in hindsight

I didn’t even know that for years I could not seem to find my way to a deep and nourishing breath.

Drowning in oxygen deprivation. Distracted and numb. A prisoner of a laundry list of coping mechanisms.

Death by the asphyxiation of non-truth's, silence, and avoidance for the illusion of self preservation.

And with clear eyes to see, and a heart open to feel [perspective] I can never go back.

Truth tastes too damn good.

And now, I express myself in so many subtle and not so subtle ways;

Embracing my personality— my style— with the approach of “who do I feel like today?”.

There is almost always going to be a piece of crystal or floral print somewhere on my being, that’s as close to a certain consistency you will experience in my presence.

That, and love of course.

My clothes and accessories are only an extension of being that serve as decorative draping

Insights and clues into my mood, emotions, love of my body and all the ways I get to embrace and show up in my skin. Don’t you dare become too distracted or attached to the surface image as there is so much more than meets the eye. A walking contradiction; still and always exploring and uncovering the overlapping and seemingly disconnected aspects of my being.

It's been an unwinding process— coming out of hiding— to step into what is really me.

A juxtaposition of soft and gentle, feminine and masculine, natural with an edge.

And as I continue to show up in the world, I often still have these out of body moments where I feel that either i’m fucking crazy and everyone else is sane, or I know some big secret that nobody else has figured out yet. It doesn’t really matter which it is, but i’m often left feeling not of this world. Like my ideas— my patterns of thought, and means of making sense of the ever shifting organized chaos around and within— are as alien as me.

[Which galaxy was I dropped off from?]

It’s unsettling to be within myself, and at the same time, it’s home.

When I’m at home with me it feels like I am unable to be with the world and when I am with the world sometimes I feel at home but, more often than not, am left feeling something akin to standing on the outskirts of a crowd; of humanity. I’m there but i’m not really a part of it [the whole, that is]. Sustained connection feels like an elusive entity, an elite society that I haven’t yet been invited to join. Complete with secret handshakes never learned, cloak and dagger, etcetera, etcetera [you know, all that Skull & Bones type shit].

Decades on this earth and I still don’t really know where I’m from, where I belong.

But I know. I can feel it in my bones, even if I haven’t been there yet, [or at least have not resided there for a sustained amount of time]. Funny how that goes. What I do know is i’m being called; to lean into and learn what connecting the disconnect of me from the world around me is really all about. Finding my way through the metaphorical fire swamp that is authentic human connection and interpersonal relating.

Learning how to be with other fully, whole.

On the occasion that I reconnect with people who knew me before I was the me I am today, the more I realize in so many ways how I put myself on this self imposed island of [surrounded yet] alone. And at the same time there were so many ways others have held me at arms length.

Was it— is it— me? Or them?

Well… maybe it’s that I am them and they are me. The reflection off and of one another, back and forth like a house of mirrors where the truth and reality eventually become so distorted one cannot know the real from the fake. Truth from non-truth. It’s impossible to know where you stand when you don’t know what reality really is and ironically, it doesn’t actually matter. It doesn’t matter where you stand. Well it does, but then again it doesn’t. Because no matter where you stand, there you are. And if you aren’t standing then you are sitting. Sitting out life. And the danger in this— outside of the health risks associated with prolonged time with ass glued to chair — is, as the old adage goes, when you stand for nothing you fall for everything… so standing for nothing equates to merely existing without living. And in that, there is no meaning and definitely no honor… but I digress...

Or maybe i’m starting to find my way….in other words, just getting started.

So, let's take it back for a moment, to connecting the disconnect, otherwise referred to as reconnecting.

It requires a reconnection of self to learn how to truly connect with others. And it’s impossible to navigate your sense of self in the world when you have no sense of self. Now let's add another layer to this [for shits and giggles]. What if your sense of self is formed based on the reflection of the world around you? What if, you learn who you are through other? And if you isolate yourself from the others, you never truly learn who you are? A bit of a mind fuck actually isn’t it?

And I’m right back to questioning if I’m the only one who spins into oblivion with the contradictions and similarities; the seemingly disconnected, unrelated, maybe even irrelevant, connections...

And really, ultimately, maybe it’s as simple as saying and believing, "I am enough”.

[Let’s pause for a moment and let that one marinate…]

All of this to say that navigating the waters of being human, belonging in the world and to self is tricky business.

Simple… so stupid simple, but not easy. I’m still learning the balance and nuance of being and doing. Being with other and being with self. Being with self and being within self. Being within self and being in my fucking head and ego. Because there is a difference. You can be with self and be so stuck in your head that you aren’t really with self. All the layers... And this is what this crazy ass journey is about; peeling back one at a time to discover only to uncover a new paradox and trap to fall into. New ways to become enlightened and disillusioned or possibly just delusional.

As in now. I don’t even know what sort of corner I just wrote myself into but I will attempt at another time to work my way out. At the end of the day it doesn’t actually matter. Because this is what it’s all about. As insane as that even feels to type on this keyboard. It’s these little moments between the moments.

Going from being nearly in tears at a kind message from a former lover to having an overwhelming sense of gratitude just to be in physical connection with another, sitting in comfortable silence, next to me as I plug away here in my wacky little world of words.

It’s the moments, between the moments.

But what do I really even know? Everything and nothing.

I’m just a crystal carryin’, ripped jeans and hoops wearin’ gal who believes in the practicality of the world around her but also all the things that cannot be seen, explained or measured.

Desperately attempting to keep one hand rooted above ground as the rest of her being swirls and moves below in the place where she resides. Kore and Persephone; the innocent maiden picking wildflowers and the Queen of the underworld.

She who loves deeply and fully.

Both desiring and terrified of the one who will step into her space finally ready to love her, fully and — as she is now within— wholly in return. Who believes that people are inherently good and that there is so much more than what we allow ourselves to experience.

That it’s all incredibly meaningful or maybe meaningless, but definitely, every moment, every experience, is significant.

And that it’s irrelevant whether we are real or this is all an illusion, because regardless, love and connection are what [truly] matters; the eternal and the infinite.

So, again I’ll ask, what galaxy was I dropped off from?

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This was a really fun piece I wrote a few months ago when I was in a particularly sassy mood and I’m so excited to finally share it as the first new post on nicolettebernardes.com (If you’ve been following along, this blog formerly lived on resilientlifecoaching.com) and after a lot of work, I’m so excited to launch this new site with the new decade! Woohoo (happy dance ensuing over here 💃🏽).

As always, I share these pieces of me, as an invitation for you to reflect within and maybe shine some lights on parts of you yet to be seen or acknowledged [that and to sort out the madness in my mind ].

I’m so freakin’ grateful for your presence here, thank you for reading and joining me on my journey!

If you have any comments or questions for me, please email me info@nicolettebernardes.com. Subscribe below to get my newest posts and insider info + follow my journey on IG.

With gratitude, and always LOVE,

PS: If you know someone who would just love this piece, please like and share 🙏🏼Thank you for your support!

why are you always leaving //

“Why are you always leaving me!”.

She screams. Silently. On the outside, she smiles, nods her head; mature acknowledgment of the greater purpose and lesson. Inside, fire. Just keep it together; don’t let them see your heart breaking.You have to be strong. You have to be understanding. You have to be gracious in the presence of pain and disappointment.

“But what about me!”, she demands.

“What about me?”, she asks softly; eyes cast down (don’t let them see you cry).

“Why are they always leaving?”

“Why does nobody stay to keep me safe?”

“What did I do wrong?”

Nothing little one, it was never about you. You are magic. In your kindness, your big, big love, your sensitivity, your pain and vulnerability. You don’t have to be strong. You can fall apart and fall down. I’ll be right here to pick you back up. I know this burden, heavy on your shoulders like 1,000 pounds of red brick; hot from baking in the sun; breaking your back, searing your skin.

I know it’s heavy.

I know it burns, deep.

I know little one.

You don’t have to be strong, but you are.

You don’t have to put on a brave face, or be good, or polite.

You can cry and scream and break; stomp around if you like.

You have permission to be big or small, to be loud or quiet; to be, You.

I know that weight is so, so heavy; why don’t you put it down here for a moment.

Rest your head on my shoulder; close your weary eyes.

I’ve got you, little one, I’m here.

-Conversations with my little Self; learning how to be here for Her, for Me, for Us.

I woke up like this...

Coffee

Comfort

Mornings were made for this

Soft

Open heart

As I sit here,

still wiping away the nights rest from my eyes,

hair a mess on top of my head,

tears well in my eyes.

Me thousands of miles and an ocean away from you in every possible way.

I think about that last embrace,

the moment, just before you wrapped your strong arms around me,

pulling me in tight against you,

and something in me moves.

Knowing

how you will tilt your head down into the space where my neck and shoulder meet

Taking in the scent of my skin, my hair

Breathing in my essence.

How you will pull back, for what could be an eternity to gaze deep into my eyes.

Confirming my presence,

memorizing my soul.

Never enough.

You lean in, starving for our lips to meet one last time.

The promise of “we’ll see each other again” heavy  between us.

In this moment,

this memory,

I can feel you and it nearly knocks me over,

the intensity of it all.

The intensity of you.

Love

Longing

Promises

Fear

Truth

I woke up like this

I live like this

Feeling

Vulnerable

Just me

No filter.