{what i’m here for}

Last Quarter Moon in Taurus

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Day 23/28

I started my post yesterday with the lines “My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces… I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart…”

And I meant it. As did I mean everything I wrote after that opening statement. And as i’ve been sitting with all that came up for me today as a result of what I shared in “i’m tired.”, I did some reflection on what it is the point of any of this is for me. Why i’m speaking about these things, that make me super uncomfortable, but can’t quite shake off and move away from…

And it’s because I really truly believe we need to get more honest about all the things we’ve been doing our best to keep swept under the rug— to save face, to be deemed acceptable— to all remain comfortably unconscious of how not ok so much— in the way in which we interact with each other—has been for so long.

And as this writing challenge begins to wind itself down, what i’m seeing more clearly are the threads i’ve been on the fringe of pulling that are here and asking for me to keep diving into.

For a while I wasn’t going in on them, either out of fear or because they are so big, and deeply enmeshed—with so many tentacles and directions I can go— I get overwhelmed when I try to start. And so I wasn’t finishing anything. This challenge has given me deadlines where I don’t have the luxury of time to agonize over how complete something is; it’s pushed me into pulling, untangling and weaving the best that I can, every day. And then allowing whatever comes through, to just be there and trust it’s exactly what needs to be expressed. In. This. Moment. [living the feminine in flow and trust]

And that’s a lesson in and of itself. One of “The Four Agreements” [by Don Miguel Ruiz] which is: Do your best everyday. Letting that be enough. Trusting, as I said, that it’s exactly what it needs to be, even if it’s messy, or incomplete [or has a few grammatical or spelling errors]. Even if your best any given day is less than your best-best ;).

Showing yourself more compassion and understanding in that you are a human being, not a machine. And doing the same for others. Remembering that we are not meant to be fully “on”, all day, every day. It’s unreasonable, and unnatural. Yet, we beat ourselves up for the reality of who it is that we inherently are as we strive and hustle and harm ourselves in an attempt to out-human our humanness— to live up to some unattainable standard.

What? Why? And at what cost?

What kind of life are we actually living?

When we can’t accept our humanity, we build lives around trying to mask the vulnerability of the aforementioned humanness from the world around us. And not only do we keep spinning in these cycles of “doing”— that leave us too exhausted at the end of the day to stop and reflect on why we are even doing it in the first place— but it also isn’t true. We aren’t being our true selves, nor do we often even know who authentic self really is.

So how in the world can we know we are living on purpose— our authentic truth— when we reject and hide self from self and the world or if we are too damn tired to do anything about it?

What is the point?

What is the actual point of any of this? And by this, I mean life. We all get to decide this for ourselves. For me, having been in different phases through my 35 years on this wild ride, i’ve done a lot of trying: the collegiate athlete needing achievement and acknowledgement route. The jumping into a relationship for the illusion of safety and stability that marriage is supposed to promise without knowing who I was or what I really wanted/needed. I’ve done the corporate grind trying to move upward, more money, better title— never enough, hustle more, work more, show how good I am— and losing sense of who I was along the way. I’ve left it all behind to completely pivot into personal coaching and “entrepreneurship”.

I’ve had my personal life blown to pieces [more than once] and gone on a journey 3+ years in the making that has taken me across oceans and into the deep, dark and scary places within myself— and in that personal journey, I have evolved the way I serve and show up for clients as a result of all that I have learned.

I’ve redefined what life is more times than I can count and I am always [and likely will forever be] questioning, learning, and hopefully evolving— shedding the untrue and becoming more whole and fully me.

And now here I am, wherever this is. Through it all, i’ve come to recognize that there is “the way it is” that most of us are taught, and, a whole other entire paradigm and a million ways that it’s possible to “be” if you are willing to get a little uncomfortable, step away from the known, remove the shackles of expectations and worry of how you will be perceived by the world around you and open yourself to the possibility than anything is possible.

So with all that i’ve seen, the huge contrast in what I knew “before” and what I know now, what i’ve come to— what I continue to come back to, time and again— what truly matters to me:

love and connection.

When I look around me, there are so many others that want the same thing, yet still feel a lack in the area of deeply nourishing, authentic connection and relationships. And because of the way things are, we are stuck in cycles that are not conducive to authentic connection. And when we are unable hold space for our humanity and all that comes along with it, we can’t truly hold one another.

From my vantage point and experience, we don’t give much in the way of grace— in the process it takes to learn another being, to build trust and inevitably screw it up at different points along the way.

We have little capacity for true forgiveness because it’s too vulnerable to risk being let down again so we never even get to that point because we are too afraid of being hurt or being the one screwing up and being condemned for it. Sometimes, often times, we are both.

There is a new world on the horizon that is wanting to be birthed; that we have the chance to create if we are all willing to put down basically everything we have learned and begin to meet each other from a curious, non-judgmental energy— it’s waiting for us— we need to be willing to meet it. We need to be willing to meet ourselves.

And if we can create safe spaces for us to explore all the hard and ugly truths about what has been happening and how much it sometimes hurts, then we have a chance to heal, to grow and to actually—finally— meet each other. Like, for real.

But in order for that to happen, we have to change the way we are doing things. We must be willing to share both our triumphs and our tragedies. We have to start being able to hold space for people when they share how much something has hurt them and instead of trying to fix or denying their reality, allow them the space to work through it [and know they aren’t alone].

We need to get better at boundaries; around our own energy, so we don’t absorb others’ pain and wear it like a brick backpack that eventually crushes us. And also so we can be more open and receptive to witness them in their moments. Not making it about us.

Taking ownership of what is ours, and allowing them the space and empowering them to take ownership of what is theirs.

We have to learn an entirely new way of relating with one another.

And this is why I keep pulling at these threads: because I believe this work— this unlearning to relearn— is absolutely vital to creating a world we all can thrive in; not just the privileged few.

I guess i’m just one of those crazy ones that cannot accept it as is. Because I now know there is something… more. And with that knowing, I can’t be less of me to fit into “the way things are” anymore. And naturally— love and connection and all— I want to share this with others to give them the chance to decide, with as much information as is possible to live the lives that best support their soul purpose here. To remind us all [including myself] that who we are—our true, soul self— is exactly who we are supposed to be— and being anything less than all that is “you”, is doing the world a disservice.

So I am going to continue to talk about the things that will help catalyze the shifts I feel in my bones are necessary to start living from a different paradigm. One where we are willing and able to meet one another and truly see the beauty, the good [god], in all.

Unconditional love and authentic connection. Building trust. Moving in the world as the divinely messy beings we were perfectly designed to be, and meeting one another in this thing we call being human.

This is what i’m here for.

with gratitude and always love,

Then Go...

“Perhaps some of us have to go through dark and devious ways before we can find the river of peace or the highroad to the soul’s destination”

-Frederick Pierce, “Dreams and Personality”

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It’s natural, to want to get away, to escape, to write a new chapter of your story. But are you moving toward something or just running away?

Are there parts of your Self yet to be forgiven, healed or acknowledged? Pieces that feel vulnerable, and weak, and uncomfortable? Ask yourself these questions, because you can go to the deepest, darkest, most isolated corners of the earth, not another human in sight... but YOU will still be there. You cannot run from yourself. You can mask it for a bit; distract, numb, create stories about the “why”, but eventually you will be still…in the aloneness you have sought out. So alone that you will have no choice but to face the truth...

What is it that you are really afraid of seeing? You? Who you may be? Who you may not be? Who you have been? Who you have not forgiven yourself for being? 

It’s ok. Sometimes we need space, adventure, and especially freedom to explore who we are outside of our current and “comfortable" environment; and even to run away. Before you go though, have an honest conversation with yourself about why. What is it that you are seeking? What is it that you are escaping from?

You have survived everything that life has hurled at you and you are still here. Standing. Growing. Moving forward.

Embrace the lost, the frightened, the dark and violent, and the vulnerable. Embrace the scared and helpless child within. I know it’s hard; and I know it’s scary. But you are safe now. You are loved and supported. And you are worthy; just because you are here; because you exist. You don’t have to run and there is nothing you have to find that is outside of you. You already have everything you need and have been seeking all along; it is all within you.  

So, if you still want to go, go. Be brave; open yourself to all that this life has to offer, and enjoy. Every. Fucking. Minute. Of it. Seek all of the immense and unique beauty that is out there, in this great big world. But remember, you don’t have to go anywhere to find you.

You have never been lost; have never been without. You just have to remember. Look within and ask the questions that are burning in your heart.

Get honest with you. Because no matter how hard you try, you cannot escape your heart, and why would you want to? It is beautiful, and strong, and courageous, and unbelievably resilient, and it beats for you. You are strong enough, to feel, to face your demons. You are exactly who you are supposed to be, made of dark and light. And because of that, you are whole.

So first, be curious and brutally honest; face what you fear the most. Honor all of who you are and have been. Embrace and accept ALL of you. Trust the beautiful, powerful and healing love in your heart; your Truth.

Then go. 

With gratitude and always love,