no sin in {being}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Pisces

Hear the words of the Divine Virgin, Artemis, Lady of the Beasts:

“You are enough. Wholeness is your birthright, your natural state of being. Obey your instincts, and your true knowledge will lead you back to your wildness, your essential sacred self. Be not afraid to remove your harness and step out of the cage. The cage door has never been locked, only untried. Taste and drink of the freedom that is known to all creatures and which you have lost. Run with me and my nymphs through the forest, knowing the night as your lover, moving in and out of shadows, aglow with silver light. Feel the wind on your bare body, and breathe in the ecstasy of a free woman. To know me is to fully embrace your wild woman self, and from wildness comes all possibilities. Let my spirit move in you like the running deer, without fear.”

-Ruth Barrett, “Women’s Rites, Women’s Mysteries”

***

Today, on Instagram Live, a dear friend and I had a conversation centered around this idea that there is no sin in being human, that these bodies, these beings we are— are an expression of divinity meant to be experienced fully and wholly. I recognize this concept goes against what many have been taught, and even if you were like me, and didn’t grow up in any sort of institutionalized religion, the undertone of shame and our sinful nature is woven into the fibers of our society. And as such it deeply affects how we show up in the world; how we interact with self and those around us.

Why is there so much shame? Why are we taught to inherently be in rejection of vital parts of our beings? Especially as it relates to our sexual nature when this is our actual life force— the creative energy of the universe that is what allows us all to be here. I’m not just talking about the physical act of sex when I say sexual beings/nature. I’m talking about something much deeper, more sacred and ancient than that. I’m talking about the deeply intimate relationship with soul— our connection to God, Divine, Universe, Nature, Source, The Mother [or any and all language that resonates most deeply with you].

Soul as the eternal aspect; the divinity that we embody. What if God created us, these imperfect, messy, beings on purpose? And our “job” for lack of a better term, is to live our unique expression fully and wholly [our ego’s blueprint] based on the truth’s that we came here with— with the lessons to be learned, and experiences to be had? I don’t know the answer… but what if?

What if we were here to attempt to integrate what it means to walk the path of being both human and divine? That there was never meant to be one model of humanity that is the “right” or “good” one, but instead, the highest and most perfect thing we could be, is the most authentic version of self— without judgement or hierarchy and from a love and reverence of self and all living beings.

And what if our walking around, ashamed and in rejection of all of what we are, is precisely what keeps us severed from our connection with the divinity so many are seeking salvation from?

Lot’s of questions, and a few more to come…

What if the point was to awaken to these truths in layers? Hindsight and contrast as a gift to give us context and texture amidst it all. We if we are exactly who we are divinely and innately meant to be. What would we do then, without the shame and the rejection; without the judgement and projection of the inherent wrongness of everything around us?

//

What a slap in the face to this power greater than us [the whole we are a part of], that only wants us to be human— that put us here exactly for that reason—only to witness our rejection of self and thereby other. What must it be like to watch humans from a 20,000 ft view? Trapped in the egoic idea that we are somehow separate, and inherently wrong; unable to witness the beauty in the nuance and experiences that are everywhere around us. I love this passage from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” where she talks about the way that the soul can see the ego but the ego cannot see the soul:

“egoic desire, or craving, thinks that the soul “belongs” to it. And because of this, the ego cannot recognize the soul. It has always haunted me when the soul says, “I saw you. You did not see me.” The soul can see the ego. But the ego can’t recognize the soul: “You mistook the garment I wore for my true self. And you did not recognize me.” The soul is saying here to the ego’s desire, I am not this body, not essentially. I am what exists before the body and after. But if you are only focusing on the body, on the egoic garment I am wearing as a soul, you will not recognize me”

-Meggan Watterson, Mary Magdalene Revealed

The recognition of soul is the way out of the blindness of the ego; awakening to the truth: that we are so much more than these bodies, these emotions and actions and achievements we amass to prove our worthiness.

This idea that we are sinners fallen from grace sets us up from the very beginning, to disconnect from that which would allow us to live divinely— a soul severing occurs. And when we have lost that feeling of connection to that force of energy greater than the sum of it’s parts, that thread which connects us all, we are lost.

And lost we are. As a society; we are missing the humanity of it all. We are missing it. We are too deeply steeped in shame and fear to recognize that the paradise we are striving so hard to be good enough for, is right here. In this moment. This moment. For us to experience. This is all that we have, this is all that we are. This is where the magic is. And we are missing it in our incessant busyness and striving to achieve in order to prove we really are worth it after all. And we are missing it. It’s never been out there. It’s always been right here, right now. In this moment. Within you.

So, what if we did something revolutionary, and just accepted ourselves fully, wholly?

What if we embraced the unique expression we were brought here to be, and just lived that to our fullest capacity— with love and reverence and radical acceptance? This goes far past any conversations about the physical flesh meat suits we are all walking around in. It is about a deeper appreciation of our being that can be expressed through these bodies we possess. This is the gift of our flesh. We have been given this beautiful home, to house and experience the infinite, all. Divinity embodied.

//

There is a marked difference in how I move and relate with the world around me as I deepen into my own embodiment; my own reclamation of soul as a vital aspect of my awakening journey. As I face and shed the shame and the stories of my presence as something to be redeemed. The more I find the sacred space within my being, the more love I can express through my body, in my words, in my open body language— in the way I am able to embrace others unconditionally— that creates a safe place for them to take off their masks and armor; that empowers them to be themselves, free from the weight of judgements and shame and stories about inherent unworthiness. My embodiment, and unapologetic deepening and enjoying of the nuances and sensations in my body, learning to stay with me through intensities like pain and pleasure; learning to sit in those tensions, tells self: “I trust you, I see you, I can witness you without looking away; i’m here with you, for you”. That level of acceptance is a radical act amidst a sea of rejection, and it translates into my ability to receive others at the same depths. And, as within, so without.

Acceptance: the space where true authentic connection is birthed.

The space where soul witnesses soul: a mirroring of divinity that is felt. It’s not some checklist of traits, it’s a knowing, a recognition. It’s a different type of “seeing”. And when we desire true intimacy— deep nourishing experiences in love— I believe this is the way to that place.

Because I am able to see me, I can see you. And when I am in acceptance of the perfection of my humanity, the messiness, the beauty and the chaos— I don’t need you to be anything other than exactly the unique expression of divinity embodied that you are. I can witness that, without fear or threat— I can hold space for it. Because I know that I am whole unto self, I don’t need you to be anything other than all that is you. And that is the most beautiful thing of all. There is a freedom, a liberation in this type of recognition and acceptance. This to me is the grace that makes this thing we call being human worth it [and quite possibly what gives me the resolve to keep being some days]. We are divinity embodied. We are here to experience the full spectrum.

In love. For love. With love.

***

Day 18/28: How often do you truly enjoy your body? Touch yourself in a loving and curious way, and not in an outcome driven sort of way, but just for the sake of savoring the nuances, the edges and curves; the bumps and bruises and scars? Appreciating the sum of the parts that make you whole. How do you hold space and witness the spectrum of beings around you? Can you see the art and beauty in all?

When I was in Berlin two years ago, was when I realized how much body shame I carried, how uncomfortable I was with myself as a sexual being and the space I occupied as such. This was made intensely clear when an exercise we did during a workshop that went something like this: as we wandered around the room [both men and women participants] we were to playfully say “yes” or “no” with our hips when we came to a halt in front of any person, looking them in the eyes, and then moving on to the next person— this was supposed to be without attachment and a way to express through our bodies. A “no” looked like shifting the hips left-to-right and a”yes” looked a bit like a pelvic thrust, forward and backward. And how did I do with this? I literally froze. And then proceeded to have a panic attack/emotional meltdown. Yes, an actual panic attack where I had to remove myself from the group and sit down because the level of anxiety around my sacral energy, my life force— and the idea of speaking that to anyone else, felt dangerous to my nervous system. So much shame and fear around expressing from that space, as a woman, freely. So much worry in how I would be received and the expectations that I realized I carried around as my own in response to how the world has assigned my value as a sexual object for the desires of men. Yea, that shit got real, fast. Not one of my favorite experiences ever, but a profound recognition of how powerful shame can be.

So to witness myself now, and how much more open and free I am in my expression; in ownership of the space I occupy and without shame of my being, is profound and brings a huge smile to my face. I love the moments when I take time to just enjoy myself, whether that is looking myself in the eye in the mirror, or watching myself as I explore the edges of how my body moves to the rhythm of whatever music is playing in the background. Learning to sit with the intensity of pleasure as I explore my actual sexual energy and noticing where I still have a hard time staying with myself in those intimate times. It’s a journey of radical acceptance and patience and unconditional love. Leaning in where I want to escape and injecting large doses of curiosity and kindness into every space as I continue coming home…

Today is a reflection on a really juicy/messy/complicated and often charged concept. It is absolutely incomplete, but as so many of my explorations, just pulling at the threads that find their way into my consciousness. As always, thank you for joining me on this journey. If any of this was challenging for you, I see you. I’m not here to judge your beliefs, but instead, am always attempting to share what i’m learning and exploring the edges of. So it’s an invitation to play and ask questions. If something jumps out at you, you can always dig a little deeper. And whatever doesn’t spark any juice from within, you can leave it right here. Tune into your truth and decide from that space what is for you and what is not. You know what is best for you. If you have any questions or reflections for me, I would love to hear them. You can email me info@nicolettebernardes.com or comment below.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{womb} day

First quarter, moon in Scorpio.

Womb day. A journey inward and a time for reflection and nourishment, rejuvenation, regeneration. Mother take me to your waters, wash away my worries, hydrate my being. Keeper of wisdom and mysteries; sacred blood, flow.

Visceral immersion into the absolute death that must occur for new life to take root. Recycle me into the earth. Settle me deeper into the roots, Mother— I’m tired.

Held in suspension— a pause at the bottom of a long exhale; surrender; loving creations of healing consciousness.

Curiosities dancing on the edge of my consciousness as I lay in that space between waking and sleep:

Our propensity for war we seem to hold as an absolute, an inevitability; man made or human nature?

What would we do without the conflict perpetuated…

What would happen if we took off the armor and dropped the weapons…

We are at war with others; we are at war with ourselves. What spaces would open up— what might be created if we stopped fighting…

If we surrendered into the flow; in trust. Where would the current carry us…

I’m tired of being fought. Of working so hard not to ignite sacred wounds and mirror unseen chinks in the metaphorical armor by just my mere presence. And so today, i’m just going to rest…

All i’ve got today is half formed thoughts that end in…

[An invitation to follow it wherever your imagination takes you…]

***

Day 9/28: Today, I had a beautiful half day out in nature, being guided back inward and felt held in Her embrace; all of the elements present and in support. On my drive home, on back country roads, I hit a butterfly [or it hit my windshield— there was contact of some sort] and the thought that popped in my mind after “oooo I’m sorry butterfly!” was “man, it would suck to have gone through the metamorphosis of caterpillar into butterfly, essentially being dissolved into nothingness, in order to be reborn as this beautiful butterfly, only to meet your end by flying into a car windshield”

[yea, these are the random thoughts that pop up, and also, metaphors for transformation, and life/death/life, expectations and how this moment is literally all that we have].

Coming home with the sweet feeling of utter exhaustion that led to a mid afternoon nap—that stretched into early evening; the stark contrast of natures soundtrack— summer storms rolling through asking to be witnessed— as bookends to a fiery day. Mars and Pluto- sitting amidst the tension of opposing forces— rulers of the Scorpio moon we are sitting under at the moment.

Water is a big theme in my consciousness today, so I’m listening to the messages being sent and surrendering to the best of my present capacity. A deep and familiar ache in my hips and thighs asking of me to just be still, curled up and held in the comfort of my bed, blinds drawn. I am here, typing these words out of commitment made to self, but my body literally will not let me take it any further than this… I sort of the love the signals that state: “rest NOW”, even when they aren’t convenient. So i’m going back to where i’m being led. I hope you have had a beautiful day, and I’ll see you tomorrow.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Artist: Unknown:

PS: This image felt really resonant as a representation of a felt sense of today… I do not know who the artist is, so if you do know, please let me know as I would love to give credit to this beautiful work. ❤︎

all begins {in the dark}

Waxing Crescent in Virgo

It all begins in the dark where I lie unencumbered, receiving your divine interruptions. I know it’s you, your light shines through the darkest night; your presence reinvigorates the eternal flame under this waxing crescent, signal of conception; the harvest of hopes and desires to come.

Here you and I; we individually and collectively constantly sit: the void between innocence and ownership, where a long waged battle for the chosen ones is fought.

And you came to me in the momentary pause between night and day. Whispering messages I was bound to remember, my heart’s desire, my love. Reminding me of the constant cleansing process required; surrendering of that which is not mine yet easily can become a burdensome weight to carry on my shoulders.

Leaving breadcrumbs that lead to archetypal stories rife with remembering. Truth. Wisdom. Balance. The insignificant space between life and death; light and dark; chastity and indulgence—wholeness via an integration of dualities.

And a strengthening of the resolve to stand strong on this path. Stripping away man-made constructs, exposing the truth that has always been, but not necessarily seen: incomplete partialities, not absolute. Expanding the boxes of consciousness to hold the immense amount of life force that is rising, taking up space after millenia of being stifled, repressed, buried; misunderstood and mistreated.

Consciousness meets life force. Light meets dark. Eros meets Psyche. Masculine meets Feminine.

Divine + Sacred union forged in the fire of transformation, soul moved by love: The Alchemical Marriage.

{“Marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage, a "transition to the unknown"** }

…And first there was dark, from where all else came to be…

***

“Since the ultimate end of the heroine's story is her final understanding of herself. It is the final acceptance of her totality of being, which includes her mind, body, and spirit. Psyche's story involves the ultimate acknowledgment that the soul can be granted immortality through its' ability to love.” *

When it comes to aspects of our being, the transition that I have found to be the most healing, is not the repression or rejection of those aspects within self that are hard to face in the mirror, but instead the integration and loving acceptance of them as a part of our whole being. A maturation process of transmutation. Learning to sit with and love the unloveable. Being with the not-beautiful. This is what the spiritual journey, the awakening journey is all about. Bringing more awareness to every moment, every space occupied [as within, so without] and integrating the seeming duality into the folds of our inherent wholeness.

[Bringing us back to divine balance, the gnosis of being both fully human and fully divine.]

◇

I had a dream last night that brought me to a space of reflection on darkness and light. That from darkness— death— is where all life emerges. And the integration of the polarities of energy that exist within us, masculine and feminine; light and dark— a vital part of the coming home journey— deepening to rise;

the deeper the roots, the higher the branches.

We as physical beings, are the midpoint. Soul’s sanctuary, keeping the eternal flame lit.

And our journey is not to escape the body, [the so-often glorified “transcendence” as a means of bypass] but instead to bridge the void between our whole humanity, the physical manifestations that we are, and whole divinity: our remembering of the divinity that we are, the god within. This illumination requires darkness.

And the journey of Psyche into divine union, through death [her marriage was also a funeral] required her surrendering into the depths to find the heights [in her case it was her drinking the elixir of immortality and securing her place amongst the Gods after she journeyed, through many tasks, including a trip to the underworld— and ultimately achieved divine union with Eros.]

Virgo [where our moon currently resides], is associated with Ceres, the grain goddess. Bountiful harvests that can only come to fruition by first planting seed into earth— to be nourished and incubated in the dark, to grow roots; taken from the earth [beginning of death] to sustain and nourish life.

We too are planted in this way. In the darkness and protection of the womb to grow, and eventually, incur a separation from the Mother. This separation is a vital part of the path. For if we were never separated, there would be nothing to find our way back to. Life/death/life. Inevitable absolutes. The forgetting is a vital component of the remembering. The stumbling and making mistakes, the “not knowing”— to be smacked upside the head with like a brick of sudden awareness—is on purpose. The journey to higher consciousness starts below the surface, an exploration deep in the underworld.

To find our way to divine union, which, as within, so without, is the coming home to balance—polarity— within self. And as such, in order to manifest the same in the outer world, we must take this journey first.

Relationship and self: both great entry points of exploration, both uncharted territory.

And here, is where we see that marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage. For to merge with other, one must first find self. Come home and merge with self. Coming home is experiencing, a clearing and de-rubbling, and a remembering; a return to a symbiotic relationship with the inherent cycles of nature, the mother—Life/death/life. An inherent rhythm, that if learned to dance to with grace, trust and in surrender, leads us, one step at a time, exactly where we are [meant to be].

***

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Day 4/28. Weaving threads and themes of: Vesta’s sacred and eternal hearth, divine union of Psyche and Eros; Nyx, the goddess of the night and alchemical marriage and [shocking I know] a bit about awakening, because that seems to be the place it always comes back to. It did actually begin with a dream that I woke to this morning and from there became as I mentioned in the poem, following the breadcrumbs and seeing where it led me. Honestly, I have no idea if this makes any sense, and, as a part of this challenge for me is writing and publishing same day, there is a fun little tension in flowing and attempting to connect dots [especially when I don’t begin writing until 8pm] and then waking up the next morning to see if I even like what I wrote [funny and true story]. Deepening into trust that whatever flows out of me is what is meant to [even if some days it’s terrible or makes no sense]. The practice of leaning into the edges of the journey, and being less worried about destination. Thank you as always for flowing with me ❤︎

With gratitude and always LOVE,

N1.3 The Chariot of Nyx; attributed to the Sappho Painter

PS:And here, are a few quotes I pulled from my google deep dive earlier today… enjoy ;)

Within the ascending Psyche, rooted in human matter, merging with the descending Eros, connected to heavenly light, we find a true soul communion.  According to Demetra George, the Psyche asteroid illuminates our capacity to be sensitive on a psychic level to an Other and is about our desire for a soul mate, a union with a lover under the guidance of divine energy through the path of conscious relationship.  Yet Psyche is not only about a spiritual and sexual union with an Other, but also can be about a union within the Self.  Through Psyche, erotic energy is akin to the procreative life force when we are swept away in our body by bonding with a lover or other desire.  In this way Eros is the primal, procreative force of our passion that underlies our vision and desires, as well as indicates our sexual attractions and vitality. https://graycrawford.net/tag/psyche/#:~:text=According%20to%20Demetra%20George%2C%20the,the%20path%20of%20conscious%20relationship.]

***

“The Alchemical Marriage is the union of duality and the most revered and possibly powerful union. It is the perfect conjunction, intimate bonding of duality and signifies the pure, deep harmony which occurs whenever the masculine and feminine elements of nature combines into One.” https://princessapetra.com/2016/11/07/on-alchemical-marriage/

*https://www.llewellyn.com/journal/article/1303

**https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid_and_Psyche