when fear has lost it’s {voice}

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Capricorn

“Silence” to me means the calm quiet that comes when fear has lost it’s voice”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

…when fear has lost it’s voice.

Ohhhh that line, sends a shiver throughout my body. The imagery it brings up: Fear as a being with laryngitis—losing its ability to speak vile, hateful, destructive rhetoric out into the world. Can you call up a person to mind, that you imagine that if they were just unable to speak anymore, would leave you feeling the urge to take one of those deep, relaxing and nourishing breaths in and then let it alllllll the way out? As in, you would finally able to relax into the spaces you occupy?

Now what if the potential to find that level of peace, is not dependent upon someone or something from the outside shifting or shutting up? What if it was fully and wholly accessible within you? What if it isn’t really about that person, that group of people “out there”?

Play along with me here if you will…

What if “they” are just a mirror, inviting you to witness a story, an emotion, or a belief you carry and hold onto within, and your reaction to their presence— your judgements or repulsion of their way of being for example— is an indicator of a space where some fear or shame resides within? Or at the very least an area thats ready to have some light shined onto it; to be called up into awareness. What if, it were a neon arrow— your reaction that is— attempting to serve you information about you on a silver platter; trying to guide you back to a certain truth? Trying to guide you back to you— your power place, your life force: back to soul.

Could you entertain that possibility? Could you be curious instead of indignant? Do you want to reject that instinctually [these questions i’m asking, the perspective i’m inviting you to reflect on]?

And if so, perfect. And, why?

I ask these questions, not because of any attachment to you buying into my thought processes, but as a curiosity: of what may shift in our collective reality if we changed our point of focus; if we shifted our beliefs— began viewing power as an absolute source accessible to all, from within— that there was no scarcity but instead enough [space, resources, time] for all… I truly wonder what would be different if we all had the internal space to take this on as a mindset and approach, and/or what would stay exactly the same.

I really don’t know, but I’m curious.

And for the record, i’m not saying that societal structures — patriarchy, systemic racism, white supremacy to name a few— don’t exist as a roadblock to our personal sovereignty and safety. They absolutely are real and affect many aspects of our lives, especially how we relate to and with the world.

What i’m inviting us to “try on” for a moment [if possible and for those that have that emotional desire and capacity], and again, out of curiosity, is a shift in our point of focus. Shifting the amount of energy going outward to the system, thing or person. Just for a few minutes let your imagination wander a bit… what if everything we [humanity as a whole] have ever needed to be whole, empowered, loving and compassionate beings has always been within us, never outside of us as we’ve been conditioned to view it?

And if we could shift our point of focus inward to what we have control over—how we show up, how we react— what might be different in our reality; or how might we relate to our outer world in a very different way?

My reflections come from a foundational belief that we are esteemed from within; our power comes from our connection to the divine that is within; — and that is a power nobody can ever take from us, it’s ours to harness; one that we can only ever give away or feel disconnected from— but regardless it’s always there when we are ready for it. And that what we choose [consciously or unconsciously] to focus on, speak on, attach ourselves to, has the power to affect/create our reality.

We are that powerful. And just as we can create from a place of fear and scarcity, so do we have the power to create from an empowered space, a space of love and truth and abundance.

And there are absolutely roadblocks that make this not as simple as how i’m stating it, I recognize this. Things like being in a state of chronic “fight or flight” [defense] mode as a result of, for example, generations of systemic oppression that have wired our nervous systems to be on high alert, operating from survival mode which doesn’t leave much room for things like higher consciousness and thriving; it just leaves us fighting for survival. So I get this isn’t a “snap my fingers” and poof— everything is magically different— but what if we could be open to it being different?

I deeply believe we all have the capacity to find that space. It’s not impossible, despite what has transpired in the past to lead you to where you are now. It requires a courage and taking the risk of tapping into some dark spaces, to begin to clear out and reset what has been. And for some, it’s a deeper, darker, longer road; a more exposed and dangerous road. Because at the physical level it’s an overhaul, rewiring of the way we relate to the world. But not an impossible journey.

What if we were simply open to risking the vulnerability of it being possible…what potential is on the other side of that unknown?

***

“When fear has lost it’s voice…”

There is a power in the simplicity of this statement. Fear is one of the most powerful motivators there is, as it goes hand in hand with our survival instinct. And when fear runs rampant, unchecked without any conscious awareness, it is both dangerous and often times is telling us stories that aren’t true. To be blunt, fear often times is a liar as it doesn’t know how to discern true danger from emotional discomfort. Our role as we evolve and grow is to learn the language of this discernment, to bring awareness to the moments when it arises and choose what is true and from there decide how to respond.

To be human means to be vulnerable. We cannot escape that reality. And fear has the most power over us— the most potency and potential as a destructive force— when we are in an unconscious state of this inherent vulnerability. Which is another way of saying: being human, unconsciously. We are dangerous when swimming in this natural state of existence from a lack of awareness and presence; disconnected from self and most destructively, disconnected from soul.

Being human isn’t the problem. Fear isn’t the problem. But perpetuating a rejection of our whole humanity; remaining in a low state of awareness and presence and allowing fear to be in the drivers seat as it relates to our behaviors and reactions— thats a problem.

Fear is highly contagious, it’s easy to amplify and is a powerful motivating force. It’s how we harness it that determines the effect it has. Do we escape the discomfort and intensity of the reaction in our body and project it out; blindly react to it? Or do we hold space for it in loving awareness, listen to what it’s telling us about what we are perceiving in our present moment and then transmute it into inspired action? How we respond to it is what dictates the impact it has on our inner state of peace, as well as the impact it has on the world around us. As within, so without.

So if fear unchecked and unconscious is the problem, how do we go about the business of shifting?

By doing one of the simplest, yet most challenging and confronting things there is: cultivating a relationship with and learning to be with self.

and how do you do this, you may be wondering?
By beginning to hold curious, kind and non-judgmental space for all of you. Looking at who you have been [yes including the shameful bits] and who you fear you may or may not be; the narratives of “not enough” or “too much” that the world has deemed makes you unloveable— all of it— and beginning to call bullshit on what is not true, witnessing the aspects and experiences you want to look away from and embracing yourself with a loving reverence and compassionate accountability.

By noticing and dismantling the patterns of coping that keep us stuck in these loops of fear—react—fear.

It’s in creating space within— a pause if you will— to ask “am I in danger or am I uncomfortable?” and holding space in that pause for an answer; and choosing our response from within the pause.

Noticing the stories about our sense of belonging and safety in the spaces we occupy. Digging deeper yet, and asking where that story came from, and if it is still true, or is it something that in the past you needed to protect yourself, but no longer need [this is where the part about calling bullshit on that which isn’t relevant anymore becomes useful].

And throughout all, employing radical honesty and acceptance of what is and has been— not condoning bad behavior and also not condemning yourself, but instead, holding loving accountability for how you showed up and reacted; beginning to accept what happened as it happened, and from that acceptance, processing how you felt/feel— your response to it. Honoring the space those emotions occupy within you as yours and valid, while recognizing that they aren’t you— they are merely indicators, information about what is happening within you. Your role in the process is to hold space for whatever arises— no matter the level of intensity or discomfort— and trusting that it’s ok [even when it hurts like hell]; giving those very emotions the same acceptance that you would want to receive from someone you love and then giving them permission to move on when they are ready.

Becoming a witness and a safe container for reflection; always coming from that foundation of curiosity, kindness and non-judgement...

“And this is what it means to rest in silence. Because this is when all those voices, those ideas and stories we wrestle with inside us, the ones that keep us up at night, and lead us to believe we aren’t worthy of love, or of anything good, this is when the whole clamorous riot goes mute.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

It has never been outside of us. And yet, we’ve looked everywhere out there, to no avail— traveled to the ends of the literal and metaphorical earth, searching for “it”. And all along, it’s been in the silence. In that space, those moments, where fear loses it’s voice and all that remains is love…

"We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

***

Day 12/28: Ok, today this expression came seemingly out of nowhere [and everywhere at the same time *insert eye roll here]. The thread I pulled started from “Mary Magdalene Revealed” this morning over my morning coffee. If you’ve been following along here or on IG, you may have noticed me quoting a lot from Meggan Watterson’s work and it’s because this book… whew… there is just so much triumphant YES from within, I don’t have enough space to write about all that has been sparked by reading this. It’s one of those books where I can feel a truth I always knew was there but never had language or context to put to it. It grabs me by my everything and invite me deeper into spaces I instinctively know but may be altogether “new” to my conscious awareness. And with that, it sparks an inspiration; courage for me to speak on things that I may have been more cautious about in the past; especially out of fear of being misunderstood or worry over crafting an incomplete expression that misses something important [which they all really are anyway as they are just streams of consciousness]. The quotes I incorporated today, are the type of words that brought tears to my eyes and a vibration through my body that give me a courage to pull at threads and weave together my curiosities and share with you. So yea. That and today the Hindu goddess Durga came up, both in “Mary Magdalene Revealed”, but also in an oracle card I pulled before a client session today, and the quote and image below are from that card that fueled my inspiration today.

“An icon for independence and divine power of the light, Durga is the solar mother who shines light, restores order and protects the human soul by destroying impurities such as jealousy, hatred, anger and selfishness. She is creative, inventive responsive and powerful. The Sanskrit word durga means “fort”, a place that is protected in battle, unable to be overcome.”

-Earth Warriors Oracle

[and also the full excerpt from the quote above with a bit about Durga:]

“Whats so profound about Mary is that the “yes” she said to that surge of light that came in the form of an angel within her, a yes she never uttered outside of her, became of of the greatest expansions of love in the history of religions… I nodded in humility to Mary. To her courageousness that’s still left so unacknowledged , and uncelebrated. She should be riding a tiger like the Hindu Goddess Durga. We don’t get yet how powerful it is to be that wide open to the voice of love, to be that present to the light inside the heart. And then to make our life about that union.”

Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

I feel like a bit of a broken record in saying this, but I always mean it: Thank you for exploring along with me… I don’t know where i’m going until I get there any given day, so my hope is that you are pulling something resonant out and it is inviting you deeper into you, or at the very least you are getting a kick out of how my crazy mind processes the world ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Free Spirit: A Legacy of Love

Day 1: New Moon In Cancer

***

“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”

- Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

Yesterday, a woman by the name of Marguerite Porete was brought into my consciousness...

A woman who was deemed a threat to the dominating structures of power that existed during her time. Who lost her life through speaking what felt true in her heart and standing for her personal divine sovereignty, and as an offering in reflection to what is available within us all. Marguerite was burned at the stake in the year 1310AD as a heretic, because she refused to recant the beliefs she wrote about in her book “The Mirror of Simple Souls”.

She was murdered for speaking about personal empowerment. For attempting to share that this way of being in union with the divine, is accessible to all from within.

That’s wild, right? Or is it? For those of you who have dug into history and the goings on of those times, this won’t seem too out of the ordinary in terms of operating procedures. But now, on July 20, 2020, are things so much different [outside of the obvious not being burned alive part]? Not the outcome but the energy behind the punishment…the judgement and condemnation; the violence that stems when the status quo puts up massive resistance against anyone who dare step out of the boxes of what has been deemed acceptable, “good” or polite in our current society. Are we really so different today?

Are we curious or fearful of those individuals on this [beautiful yet harrowing] journey back to self—the reclamation of personal sovereignty— who merely stop showing up in the world in a way that is comfortable and familiar and conforming?

Who instead of fitting in have been unsubscribing to the status quo as absolute truth, and instead fact checking it against the internal knowing—soul truth, with a discerning heart— and when appropriate, choose to show up differently, as a more authentic version of self. Not in rebellion for the sake of it, or needing to stake a claim as an individual, but for the sake of honoring the truth that suddenly begins to pour from their own hearts and can no longer be denied. Taking up space in their authentic way as a means to thrive as whole beings.

How dare they be empowered from within; [with the very same source energy that has the capacity to flow through all of us, if we were to clear out the blocks keeping it outside of self that is].

How dare they take up space unapologetically. [And I don’t mean taking up space or ways of being that are physically harming anyone. I mean, taking up the space they were brought here to take up, with fierce grace and compassion; divinity in motion.]

How dare they, right? Or is it, how brave they are… for these are the beings— leaders of the reclamation of soul— bringing back humanity to the forefront in a world suffocating in the absence of it. Acting in service to and for humanity. And yet, in this current climate, how do we perceive, receive and judge them?

How we judge says a lot more about us personally, than them. And often is a byproduct of our perpetual striving to attain this elusive concept of divinity— and subsequently avoid proximity to those that would be deemed “sinful” so we don’t catch it— so that we can secure our future seat at the good table. Funny thing is, divinity was and never has been outside of our grasp. Nothing to be strived for, only awakened to. A remembering. Something to be lived here and now, in this life.

That can be a hard pill to swallow. Because the mirror “those ones” hold up, reflects an unfamiliar “face” of the sacred space we all have the capacity to occupy— if we are willing to get uncomfortable and begin questioning everything that we have adopted as absolute. The knee-jerk judgements inevitably come in as a result of unconscious conditioning— that says anything outside of our narrow paradigm is a threat to our safety and survival— and suddenly, as a result, showing up in the unadulterated and unfiltered love that each and every one of us is, feels too dangerous, too exposed from an unconscious frame of reference. Especially to those unacquainted with such a beautiful intensity.

How uncomfortable we have been with the presence of true unconditional love.

Could you even identify it when you are in the presence of it? Do you realize that love can come in an infinite number of [packages] and flavors, not always palatable or comfortable, sometimes gentle, other times intense, and yet all love, just the same?

Have you ever felt instinctive unease, suspicion or threatened when someone shows genuine affection or vulnerable expression, especially out loud, in public, outside of the designated “acceptable” spaces and places?

Love is an energy that is infinite and fluid, not to be owned or managed.

Love is not attachment.

Sit with that for a moment.

This kind of love i’m attempting to describe, the unconditional variety, is an energy that asks nothing from and is interested only in being witnessed. It doesn’t need something from you to survive. It doesn’t take from and it isn’t about control and domination or power of any sort. It just is. Absolute and all encompassing.

And it seems counterintuitive, but we have been conditioned to be in rejection of this energy we are all comprised of. Why? Maybe because it can be so intensely transformative and we have not yet built the stamina to stand in and receive; allow it to move and affect us. Maybe because personally empowered beings, flowing with unconditional love are really hard to manage and control.

I can’t say absolutely, but I do know the consequence of this rejection: we hold it away, keeping it from getting too close, villainize it and thereby suffocate love— out of this need for it to show up in a form that is palatable and digestible for us [translation: into something comfortable that we can control]. We want it, we crave it and we are terrified of all the ways it moves us, so we strangle love into attachment by attempting to force it into a box.

And as a result, we are disconnected from our humanity and connection to the wholeness and truth of who we really are.

For that reason, most of us have never experienced true, unconditional love; have yet to sit with the tension within of our own composition that is this potent life force energy.

And in order to maintain the status quo, “dominator consciousness”— the power and control dynamics the overwhelming majority of this world currently operates within—there is a package we have been taught that we must come wrapped in to be acceptable [translation: safe]. This usually is some version of tame, polite, ”good”, selfless. The wild, unapologetic and loving self, uninhibited by the dictations of those needing our conformity in order to maintain; sovereign and whole beings, empowered from within are absolutely a threat to that structure’s very foundation.

“And this is what made her work so dangerous. She didn’t need the direction of the church, or any external spiritual authority, but rather just the voice of love that existed within her”

-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”

Free Spirit

I got a tattoo on my left forearm in early 2018 that says “free spirit”. At the time, it was because something was stirred within, an inner recognition sparked after I had been called a “free spirit” by a male authority figure [in a space I was working at the time]. And it wasn’t because he meant it in an encouraging or congratulatory way. No, he couldn’t find another term to describe me, but felt saying it out loud would be a slight. How do I know this? Well, because he prefaced it with “So don’t take this the wrong way, but….” and it ended with “you’re kind of, you know, a free spirit”. And I smiled at him and asked “why would I take that the wrong way? I am a free spirit”. And the look of confusion and the angle at which his head tipped to the side led me to believe he was a bit confused by my statement of acceptance of the title.

Fast forward to yesterday. I never knew that there was a whole group of people who were referred to as The Bretheren of the Free Spirit*, mainly between the 13th-15th century, and in learning about Marguerete Porete [diving down the rabbit hole of Wikipedia], I not only learned a bit more about what was considered heresy in those times—that would lead someone to lose their life— but I felt a deep resonance with this woman and her journey. And sadly, not surprised by the almost comical hypocrisy of what these acts were carried out in the name of.

I also now understand why the unconscious response to someone who is not confined by the suffocating guidelines, dictated through structures built upon patriarchal foundations, is fear and resistance/rejection. Someone, especially a woman, whose esteem is sourced from within and doesn’t need the approval of the outside world to be embodied and in deep reverence of their worthiness, truth, and inherent value— I get why those people [my kind of people] seemed dangerous to the very core of those who held the majority. Those who subscribe to the notion that power is finite and must be taken or given in order to be powerful could not “afford” to allow people to realize they had the capacity to be empowered from within. Could not hold the tension of each one of us being sacred and whole unto self. It would completely destabilize the structure that all else was [and still is for the record] built upon.

I would also argue, that those trapped in the finite/scarcity model of power couldn’t/cannot recognize the ability to be sovereign and independently empowered in themselves, so how could they hold space for and witness it in others?

Free spirit has taken on an entirely new meaning as I look down at my arm, as I type these words. In another time, I would have likely lost my life over my deep belief, in alignment with Marguerite, the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, and the many others that came to this nous in their own right, independently of any outside influence or teachings: those humans that by just being, remembered the truth; who in finding their love, achieved union with the divine, from within. And again these words I shared at the beginning ring so powerfully in my heart:

“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”

There is some potent energy swirling in this wild time of human history and what i’d like to close out on is an offering in the form of a reflection— what i’ve been noticing within myself over the last 48 hours. Old wounds being activated around being misunderstood or misinterpreted and having my words or intentions twisted into something malicious when they are wholly benevolent in nature. Or others projections in response to my authentic expression, and their preconceived notions and beliefs around what is “good” and what is “evil” or “bad”. I’ve been knocked into deep reflection because of the intensity of the trigger felt within my body as these instances occurred— mostly my old “being good” narrative being pinged— and I had to take some time to unpack what my reaction to the outside information was really about. This is my work in action.

So i’ll also invite you to witness, if you feel so called— from an observers curiosity— the moments or experiences in the forms of people and interactions and the internal response to external stimuli as it relates to stories around belonging and safety/survival. The stories and old beliefs around who you feel you have to be in order to be accepted, loved, worthy. When you notice these themes coming up, just watch, with curiosity, kindness and non-judgement and see where it leads you…

The messages I’m receiving in response to my own witnessing, the support and synchronicities all around me are pointing toward:

-Boundaries. Not to keep others out, but to stand, grounded in love, palms out and open, with that aforementioned fierce grace and compassion.

-To continue on this path, even when there are days where it would be easier to cave, to be polite and apologize for the space I’m occupying, or to go along with those that are operating from a paradigm of who we need to be before we are worthy of love, belonging, success, etc.

-To witness my reactions to the projections, discern between defensiveness and lack of alignment with my own values and meet it always with love, even if my love could also be misinterpreted. To be me fully, not asking anyone else to be like me, and also not apologizing for the space that feels true in the depths of my being [i’m a sacral authority for you HD folks, so my truth often time calls to me from sacred womb space kind of depths].

And on this new moon, in the sign of cancer, that is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry**, the intentions i’m setting, the lesson i’ve taken from everything swirling, conspiring for me, is a looking back, to honor the legacy of love— and the fear that has labeled “free spirit” as a dirty word. As profanity. As heresy. And reclaiming it as the legacy of the divine— the beauty way that it truly is— that I feel will bring us into a new era of humanity, if we allow it to move us. If we are willing to do the internal excavation and reclamation work that will allow it to flow through us.

And I’m being called deeper within still. Peeling back new/old layers that no longer serve this current iteration of “me” but instead keep old karmic wounds festering. Giving these wounds new fresh air to breathe, and thereby heal.

Liberation of soul.

Free spirit, a legacy of love…

As within, so without.

---

Happy New Moon and thank you beautiful human for being here on this wild journey with me. Referenced amidst my post was an excerpt from a new moon reading around the presence of goddess Isis energy that I wanted to share here as an offering as it feels relevant in this moment [Isis currently transiting over my 8th house Scorpio South Node so extra juicy vibes for me]:

“Isis is making a harmonious trine to the new moon, bringing in some really big, beautiful healing energy. Cancer is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry, so there is potential for ancestral healing. Uncovering how ancestral patterning can play into our stories of self-worth, success, relationships etc. and how this affects us on an emotional level. With this new moon we have the opportunity to move forward with less entanglements from the past, and who better to support us than Isis, with her ancient wisdom and high vibe healing magic.”

-by Alexis Bolvin (@alexismidnightmusings on IG)

and finally a little nugget of wisdom from one of my favorite decks that I pulled last night:

“When your journey requires that you stand apart from the crowd, don’t be afraid to embrace your outsider status and the freedom it bestows upon you— to think differently and objectively analyse what isn’t working with the clarity that comes with a more remote point of observation. Your unconventional views may cause discomfort to some at first, but it is of the good sort. This sort of discomfort can stimulate a healing crisis, a divine disruption that cracks faulty belief systems, making way for inspired innovation and radical improvement.”

-“Earth Warrior's Oracle”

***

Out of curiosity and a little challenge to myself, I am going to write a post a day, 28 days, for one complete cycle of the moon. Reflections from the observers perch, what’s swirling inside of me in the present moment and in response to the world around me. The only “rule” i’ve given myself is that I have to write/edit/post all within the same day. I’m interested to see what comes through me during this time, how my expressions may or may not be influenced by the transitions of the moon and what unfolds between now and next month.

Thank you for taking the time to be here in this space witnessing me, in my authentic expression. And I would, as always, love to hear what was sparked or that resonated, that you have taken from away from this reflection…

Be well, honor your energy, your journey and your love.

With gratitude and always LOVE,

* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brethren_of_the_Free_Spirit