who I want to {be}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

Today, I woke up. I had coffee. I moved some heavy furniture I’ve been putting off moving for 9 months, down a narrow staircase, and into a very small cellar [like 4 1/2 foot ceiling and loads of spiderwebs in a 100+ year old house kind of cellar] and may have escaped without doing any real damage to my back [winning]. PS: in case you were wondering—I’m out of shape and was reminded that my body could use a little resistance training for #lifestuff like picking up heavy things and not throwing out my back. But on the plus side, there is more room for activities in my apartment now [yay!]. I had a friend gracious enough to wake up and help me move said heavy furniture into the small space, and he also escaped [as far as i know] without anything more than hitting his head once [also winning].

And then we had a good long talk over delicious iced coffee [cups number two and three for the day]. We talked about inner journey vs. outer world. About duality and paradox of being human. About what the fuck is happening in the world right now and where we go from here. We agreed and disagreed and often said a lot of the same things in our own unique language and tried to bridge gaps. And then when both our brains had enough of the mental gymnastics, I went home. Showered the dried sweat [again from moving said furniture in a humid-ass Virginia summer day], ordered Thai food from my fave local spot and inhaled some Pad Thai. It was delicious. Then I watched “The Kissing Booth 2” on Netflix [feel free to judge me if you want] and I proceeded to cry my eyes out. Not quite sure what that was about, but it unlocked something. And then I spent the last two hours listening to moody EMO music, singing at the top of my lungs, complete with more crying [something is moving from the inside trying to escape, what, is still TBD].

I’m writing this, because, well, the writing challenge I committed to, and since I still can’t seem to pull any threads down to earth and into creation, instead i’m writing out the mundane and extraordinary of my day. I’m sure a silly movie about teen love and conflict about the future affected me the way it did for a reason. The why, also TBD. I will say, there were some stealth little life lessons thrown into it, which I always appreciate about these movies.

One part that jumped out at me, was the main character narrating on the question she had for a college essay [would it even be one of these movies without some profound college essay needing to be written??] that she re-worked from “where do you want to be in 5 years” to “who do you want to be”. And as she broke down the qualities of the people she loves the most, one from each of them that in combination she hopes she can be, [which was really heartwarming— yes i’m a sucker for the feels]I couldn’t help but be moved by that question. Who is it that I want to be in 5 years? Or for my reflection sake, who is it that I want to be now; how is it that I want to show up in the world? And since this is what came to me in this moment, writing about my mundane day and random energy releases [tears and singing and general emo vibes], lets do this:

Who do I want to be?

I want to be

a feeling that lingers;

a blanket wrapped around your shoulders on a late autumn afternoon

the sun that gently kisses your cheek

warm and inviting; a moment of pure presence

an always too tight hug,

a breathe of fresh air;

a truth you can’t explain, but know;

a reprieve from the suffocation of the boxes and expectations

*

I want to be

the love that most would consider reckless, [but really is just free];

pleasure and presence embodied;

an example of radical acceptance;

an expression of relentless authenticity;

the one you pull in close

who meets your gaze and doesn’t look away;

and even when you have to go—

the home you always return to.

I want to;

always have the courage to keep moving forward,

with all of my idealism and belief in what can be—

if we choose love, always

to be a reminder

of what humanity in action looks like

[often ridiculous, sorta messy, and also graceful in new and undefined ways]

that we can always lean in and love a little more.

that pain can be a beautiful teacher

and the only deeper grief than heartbreak,

is never being seen, never allowing ourselves to be known;

I want to be an example;

of what living looks like;

a resilient kind of hope;

one of the crazy ones;

unapologetically steeped in truth.

I want to be one that leaves others better than I found them.

That sees the good [the god] in all;

and never loses sight of why it is that we are here.

***

Day 20/28: Lion’s Gate Portal peak today [8/8]. All sorts of wild stuff floating in the ether. This one was a roundabout way of saying— Love and connection is all that I am, and all that I hope to ever be. Also it feels important to note—Leo Season Status: Whooping My Ass. Anyone else out there feeling wrung through the emotional washing machine? It feels like my heart is calling so much to the surface. Venus moving into Cancer yesterday, adding a little extra spice into the mix. There are lessons to be learned, pieces that inevitably will fall into place, but it’s still not yet time. For now, i’ll just keep witnessing the synchronicities, intuitive pulls; reflect on my weird ass dreams and funny messages I receive in all sorts of forms. Patience. Extraordinary in the mundane. Sending love if you are feeling like a walking contradiction this week [or always— I see you]. Thank you for being here with me, especially if you stuck through reading about my Saturday while I tried to figure out what the hell to write about. Until next time ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

she rests // to create

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

⋈

it’s as though it’s right there

on the fringe of conscious awareness

felt; just out of sight

synchronicities piling up

energy spent; portals opening 

pulling at threads

weaving as I go; blind

It’s not time yet

but for now

Hestia calls to me

create the hearth space

sacred temple; home 

preparation for what is coming

I don’t know but I know 

explaining fragments is futile

when it is time

all will be revealed

until then, trust.

***

Day 19/28: Today I feel like a spinning vortex of bits of information; snippets and threads waiting to be pulled and woven together, but without the capacity to sit and weave them into some form.

Plainly put: i’m overstimulated by synchronicities showing up in my consciousness and simultaneously fucking exhausted. And as I have been sitting here trying to get started writing, I pulled a card from the “Earth Warriors Oracle” deck: Card 29. Nana Buluku; “She Rests to Create” and the passage that spoke to me today was this:

“Nanu Buluku is the African Grandmother Creatrix, the supreme feminine creative principle. She created the Universe, then rested. The intersection of rest and extraordinary creative power is repeated in numerous spiritual traditions from varied cultures around the world…”

-Earth Warriors Oracle

I love this invitation of ebb and flow; neither one needing to be forced, but both necessary for the whole of creation. “The intersection of rest and extraordinary creative power” — there are so many themes showing up in my life that I feel inspired to massage into form; lots of goddess meets astrology energy: Vesta + Virgo; Ursa Major and bear symbolism; Mercury + Venus vibes, weird-ass overlaps in actual human beings and the energetic pulls i’m feeling toward them seemingly out of nowhere— all within the context of this big fiery Leo season + lion’s gate portal opening; water, water everywhere [including again, coming through my ceiling earlier this week and rain waking me up throughout the week which is also affecting my energy levels].

And I don’t have it in me to dive in deeper right now and see where the breadcrumbs lead me, so i’m following my trust that it isn’t time, yet.

The medicine here tonight feel like this: Just because information is pouring in through a fire hose right now, doesn’t mean it’s time to drink. Witness. Honor the rhythms of the body. Take inspired action from a grounded place [not manic action from a place of habit or in an attempt to escape the intensity of the moment]. Rest when body says rest. Things are happening beneath the surface that rational mind can neither pick up on or understand, nor may it ever be able to. Trust. Everything is unfolding perfectly.

So with that, I am listening to both my body and the reinforcement of the messages i’m receiving and i’m going to take a bath and re-pot some of my new plant babies before bed. ✌🏽🌱

Have a beautiful weekend, honor your energy and thank you as always for being here with me!

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Card from “Earth Warrior’s Oracle” , Alana Fairchild

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