trusting {in flow}

Waning Crescent Moon in Cancer

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A puzzle complete; whole and sturdy in a deep knowing sort of way.

wild woman; opening portals, slamming doors.

Can you trust me to lead the way or will you startle at my roar?

Can you find you place amidst the folds of the great unknown?

Oceans of tears never cried— initiation {the beginning}

Never cease to be astounded at the strength of Her;

willingness to refuse to stay boxed in for others comfort.

A lifetime that says conform, and you lean in;

setting the box on fire and burning with it to the ground—

paving the way to the true—

leaving it— that comfortable and stifling known

stepping into new depths;

stumbling in the darkness.

Lead by intuition and trusting in the flow,

before you even know what it means to trust.

The head does not lead here— this is soul territory.

***

Day 28/28: I really left this one up to the last minute. Trusting in the flow [hoping for the best]. Today I’m feeling inspired by a session with a client; a divine reminder of the absolute power that is the feminine— blossoming in progress— coming home to the instinctual nature [as Clarissa Pinkola Estés would put it]. “The pain is great”— my client on the table, feeling… allowing herself to be physically moved to release amidst a sea of pain. This is a different kind of strength. It’s not how well we hold it all together and in, or how we put on an act to the outside world that we can do it all; how unaffected we appear to be by how much it hurts. How much weight we carry at the expense of self and soul in the name of being selfless creatures that make us worthy of praise and love [I write that as I roll my eyes at this stupid narrative that we have been spoon fed since infancy].

This kind of strength is in the courage. The knowing how much it’s going to hurt and doing it anyway— to find the way home to an unknown foreign land. For freedom and liberation. It is facing the abyss of a lifetime of grief unexpressed, and taking a step forward… and another one, and another one. This re-connection— to self and soul— is not some glamorous process. There are tears— bucket and oceans of tears. And lots of snot. Resistance. And discomfort so intense it makes you want to crawl out of your skin. Oh, and nobody told you about the righteous rage from wounds unhealed— coming in as you recognize from a new paradigm of awareness and connection to the sensations of your body— that you were in fact violated, and it’s shocking, and it hurts. And simultaneously being faced with the tension of “good girls don’t get angry” when all you feel like doing is fucking screaming and roaring and burning it all down.

When I say this isn’t “all light and love”, spiritual bypassing sort of stuff, I’m not kidding. And wow. I am in awe of the courage I get to be in the presence of. I have such a deep reverence for the stories entrusted to me, that I get to witness and hold sacred as these brave souls navigate being, from a new, unpracticed perspective and awareness. And when I say courage, it doesn’t mean without fear. It’s not about not being afraid— it’s about noticing the fear, and leaning in when soul says “step this way”. And standing still, when it says to pause. It’s drawing your own damn roadmap, writing your life script one step at a time. And stumbling blindly in trust as you wait for the next best step to reveal itself, even when you don’t really know what it is to trust self and soul—but you know—even though you don’t. You know? [I know this may make no sense or all the sense— but there is a lot of seeming contradiction in this place too]. There is not a one-size fits all path to life. It is you and you. And more you. And the closer you get to the truest version— it gets easier to step in your highest good [which is subsequently in the highest good of all] to pivot and stand strong in all that comes along with following the path back home— and the more aware you become, the painful reality is that you can never go back to that small and comfortable space. You burned it down, and all is left, is you. And what a beautiful gift indeed that is.

So yea, I get to do this work. So I guess, what I’m trying to say is I’m steeped in gratitude for the unfolding that is my script, that through trust, I have been led. I’m grateful to the beautiful souls that meet me along the way and add color and nuance and depth— and so much love— to my story and practice. That trust me with a truth they may not yet fully realize, but that is dying to make it’s way to being expressed in the world. I could go on and on, but since I have about 5 minutes until midnight, i’m going to call it. On this last day of this 28 day challenge i’ve given myself. I made it. And I suppose i’m grateful for that too.

Thank you to each of you that read one sentence, or read each and every post and every one of you that falls somewhere in the spectrum in between. I appreciate you.

With immense gratitude and always LOVE,

who I want to {be}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

Today, I woke up. I had coffee. I moved some heavy furniture I’ve been putting off moving for 9 months, down a narrow staircase, and into a very small cellar [like 4 1/2 foot ceiling and loads of spiderwebs in a 100+ year old house kind of cellar] and may have escaped without doing any real damage to my back [winning]. PS: in case you were wondering—I’m out of shape and was reminded that my body could use a little resistance training for #lifestuff like picking up heavy things and not throwing out my back. But on the plus side, there is more room for activities in my apartment now [yay!]. I had a friend gracious enough to wake up and help me move said heavy furniture into the small space, and he also escaped [as far as i know] without anything more than hitting his head once [also winning].

And then we had a good long talk over delicious iced coffee [cups number two and three for the day]. We talked about inner journey vs. outer world. About duality and paradox of being human. About what the fuck is happening in the world right now and where we go from here. We agreed and disagreed and often said a lot of the same things in our own unique language and tried to bridge gaps. And then when both our brains had enough of the mental gymnastics, I went home. Showered the dried sweat [again from moving said furniture in a humid-ass Virginia summer day], ordered Thai food from my fave local spot and inhaled some Pad Thai. It was delicious. Then I watched “The Kissing Booth 2” on Netflix [feel free to judge me if you want] and I proceeded to cry my eyes out. Not quite sure what that was about, but it unlocked something. And then I spent the last two hours listening to moody EMO music, singing at the top of my lungs, complete with more crying [something is moving from the inside trying to escape, what, is still TBD].

I’m writing this, because, well, the writing challenge I committed to, and since I still can’t seem to pull any threads down to earth and into creation, instead i’m writing out the mundane and extraordinary of my day. I’m sure a silly movie about teen love and conflict about the future affected me the way it did for a reason. The why, also TBD. I will say, there were some stealth little life lessons thrown into it, which I always appreciate about these movies.

One part that jumped out at me, was the main character narrating on the question she had for a college essay [would it even be one of these movies without some profound college essay needing to be written??] that she re-worked from “where do you want to be in 5 years” to “who do you want to be”. And as she broke down the qualities of the people she loves the most, one from each of them that in combination she hopes she can be, [which was really heartwarming— yes i’m a sucker for the feels]I couldn’t help but be moved by that question. Who is it that I want to be in 5 years? Or for my reflection sake, who is it that I want to be now; how is it that I want to show up in the world? And since this is what came to me in this moment, writing about my mundane day and random energy releases [tears and singing and general emo vibes], lets do this:

Who do I want to be?

I want to be

a feeling that lingers;

a blanket wrapped around your shoulders on a late autumn afternoon

the sun that gently kisses your cheek

warm and inviting; a moment of pure presence

an always too tight hug,

a breathe of fresh air;

a truth you can’t explain, but know;

a reprieve from the suffocation of the boxes and expectations

*

I want to be

the love that most would consider reckless, [but really is just free];

pleasure and presence embodied;

an example of radical acceptance;

an expression of relentless authenticity;

the one you pull in close

who meets your gaze and doesn’t look away;

and even when you have to go—

the home you always return to.

I want to;

always have the courage to keep moving forward,

with all of my idealism and belief in what can be—

if we choose love, always

to be a reminder

of what humanity in action looks like

[often ridiculous, sorta messy, and also graceful in new and undefined ways]

that we can always lean in and love a little more.

that pain can be a beautiful teacher

and the only deeper grief than heartbreak,

is never being seen, never allowing ourselves to be known;

I want to be an example;

of what living looks like;

a resilient kind of hope;

one of the crazy ones;

unapologetically steeped in truth.

I want to be one that leaves others better than I found them.

That sees the good [the god] in all;

and never loses sight of why it is that we are here.

***

Day 20/28: Lion’s Gate Portal peak today [8/8]. All sorts of wild stuff floating in the ether. This one was a roundabout way of saying— Love and connection is all that I am, and all that I hope to ever be. Also it feels important to note—Leo Season Status: Whooping My Ass. Anyone else out there feeling wrung through the emotional washing machine? It feels like my heart is calling so much to the surface. Venus moving into Cancer yesterday, adding a little extra spice into the mix. There are lessons to be learned, pieces that inevitably will fall into place, but it’s still not yet time. For now, i’ll just keep witnessing the synchronicities, intuitive pulls; reflect on my weird ass dreams and funny messages I receive in all sorts of forms. Patience. Extraordinary in the mundane. Sending love if you are feeling like a walking contradiction this week [or always— I see you]. Thank you for being here with me, especially if you stuck through reading about my Saturday while I tried to figure out what the hell to write about. Until next time ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,