writing in reflection of the world around me //
𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐠𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 + 𝐬𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐭//
The writing of a new [love] story- requires an excavation of the old.
An uncovering of all that has gone unhealed, all this time. I feel their presence, so close to me. As though the thinly veiled layers of past/present/future has taken up residence using my heart, mind and dreams as the battleground to work out the unresolved, the unrequited, the long shoved away...
Oh yea, I see ghosts. But not in the way you may think. I see what lies beneath; the presence and remnants of the soul inhabiting the shell. I feel the stories, their pain and uncertainty. I know their struggle as though it is my own.
In hindsight, it was a dangerous space to be, before I understood what I was: a brief stop on a long and winding journey toward redemption. For I would invite them to come in, sit before my fire and share with me their stories; the troubles and questions lingering on the edges of consciousness; offer companionable silence- much needed and too few and far between-so they may rest easy for a bit. And as we talked, shared space- as they witnessed the truth of me- I sensed the weariness melting away, the armor being removed piece by piece; revealing a clearer version of the truth [the essence of soul already sensed].
𝑎 𝑐𝑒𝑟𝑡𝑎𝑖𝑛 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑡 𝑜𝑓 𝑐ℎ𝑎𝑜𝑠
𝒘𝒉𝒂𝒕 𝒈𝒐𝒐𝒅 𝒊𝒔 𝒔𝒖𝒓𝒗𝒊𝒗𝒂𝒍 𝒘𝒉𝒆𝒏 𝒊𝒕'𝒔 𝒂𝒕 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒆𝒙𝒑𝒆𝒏𝒔𝒆 𝒐𝒇 𝒍𝒊𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈?
These deep and decadent scorpionic waters- a curious resting place, a kind of home- no longer running still; current{ly} overflowing with karmic memory {its all coming to the surface now}
Rosalie: a metaphor for; Taking matters into ones own hands, left hanging by a thread; the only path to freedom in a time long past. Spite, fear. Resolve. A morbid choice. {But I doubt they included that in the eulogy};
Memory housed in sympathetic spaces; a mercurial reminder of pain unprocessed; Violence. Violated. Power and Control at the expense of Sovereignty. Nowhere to go. Screaming at the top of lungs and nobody hears. All that lingers is the nothingness; the void of death;
When did this fragment of self Lose all sensation? Which lifetime, which experience was the one that finally sent that shred of humanity into oblivion?
The path to rebirth paved with questions unanswered— ghosts of times past...
Kali: on a rampage, ripping me to shreds, my insides, out; blood and guts and glitter. stopping at nothing to give me my everything. 𝑨 𝒍𝒂𝒃𝒐𝒓 𝒐𝒇 𝑳𝒐𝒗𝒆.
Learning to trust what I feel and know to be true.
Leaning into the uncomfortable edges; all ways, all places.
Asking for help; Speaking up; Saying no.
Survival: an unconscious motivating force;
Living: a conscious choice
Disassociation: my go to coping.
Every moment longer I stay with the feeling: a victory.
Clearing out old fear, calling back the pieces; it’s time to come home.
-an abstract perspective + full moon musings // [me and my 8th house South Node + 7th house Mercury in Scorpio taking a little ride to the depths on this familiar lunation]
{kali}vibes
Waxing Gibbous Moon in Capricorn.
Day 13/28: I don’t have much to say today. I’m feeling an intensity within that wants to explode out of me. Some major Kali vibes rolling through me in waves. Imagery of one of her many arms, holding the severed head, the head of ego— dripping blood.
For those of you who don’t know about Kali, and are slightly alarmed at the picture i’m painting with words, don’t be alarmed it’s all metaphorical. Kali is the great liberator. She will stop at nothing to give you your everything. And the severed head in this case, represents the unintegrated ego that she is coming to free you from [see image below].
“Samhara Kali” by Raja Ravi Varma
When she shows up, it’s generally not gentle, but it’s for you— for she will burn your ego to the ground, rip off your head, gut you— but again, it’s all to liberate you—from the trappings of the ego, to clear space for the true you to take center stage…
So it’s a metaphorical rage moving me at the moment. A resentment of the blockages that exist in the collective [and likely still within me which is why i’m feeling it so intensely and with so much judgement] around the capacity to unlock and harness our deeply innate and powerful creative life force energy— and express it fully into the world. And the wounded ego— what is meant to be the expanding container to hold life force, to be the strong and loving boundaries that gives the feminine energy form and direction as it blossoms and grows and intensifies—instead shies away from or tries to wrap it’s hands around the neck of this beautifully potent life force energy in an attempt to manage or control it.
It just can’t handle the presence of all that juicy divine energy.
And I feel a sense of suffocation when I find myself tapped into these energies. I feel angry and resentful. At all the representations in my life that show me through actions that they are too afraid to surrender to the depths; too tied to the trappings of ego to take the journey inward— with presence and intention— through the deep dark metaphorical woods for the freedom they seek. A lot of Peter Pan’s dressing in Kingly robes with no true intention to lead and a rejection of taking responsibility. And I have no patience for it.
And because I am in this moment finding myself projecting outwards and assigning blame to these physical representations of the wounded masculine I have experienced —it’s a sure sign I need to take this time to go within and sit with myself a bit; to witness what is trying to be seen and felt and moved within me. Noticing where there is resistance and rigidity and breathing in a bit of release and ease where I can manage; curiously noticing where I am avoiding taking true responsibility and maybe not trusting my capacity to hold space for this much intensity—this much juice— that is unlocking and I can viscerally feel flowing through me at the moment…witnessing where my own wounding may be trying to get my attention because it’s just about time for me to deal with it.
So yea, I’m going to go be with myself a bit and meditate on that. I hope wherever you are, you are holding loving space and awareness for self. And if by some synchronistic connection you are feeling some of this intensity rolling through you… I see you. Take a breath and before you go and project it onto the world around you, pause and ask “is this in my highest good in this moment?” trust the answer from within and do what feels truest for you. I know my reactions are not in my highest at the moment, so I’m going into a lovingly self-imposed time out 😂.
Have a beautiful evening!
With gratitude and always LOVE,
to shine light into the shadows // to untangle the knots in my mind // I write.