who I want to {be}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

Today, I woke up. I had coffee. I moved some heavy furniture I’ve been putting off moving for 9 months, down a narrow staircase, and into a very small cellar [like 4 1/2 foot ceiling and loads of spiderwebs in a 100+ year old house kind of cellar] and may have escaped without doing any real damage to my back [winning]. PS: in case you were wondering—I’m out of shape and was reminded that my body could use a little resistance training for #lifestuff like picking up heavy things and not throwing out my back. But on the plus side, there is more room for activities in my apartment now [yay!]. I had a friend gracious enough to wake up and help me move said heavy furniture into the small space, and he also escaped [as far as i know] without anything more than hitting his head once [also winning].

And then we had a good long talk over delicious iced coffee [cups number two and three for the day]. We talked about inner journey vs. outer world. About duality and paradox of being human. About what the fuck is happening in the world right now and where we go from here. We agreed and disagreed and often said a lot of the same things in our own unique language and tried to bridge gaps. And then when both our brains had enough of the mental gymnastics, I went home. Showered the dried sweat [again from moving said furniture in a humid-ass Virginia summer day], ordered Thai food from my fave local spot and inhaled some Pad Thai. It was delicious. Then I watched “The Kissing Booth 2” on Netflix [feel free to judge me if you want] and I proceeded to cry my eyes out. Not quite sure what that was about, but it unlocked something. And then I spent the last two hours listening to moody EMO music, singing at the top of my lungs, complete with more crying [something is moving from the inside trying to escape, what, is still TBD].

I’m writing this, because, well, the writing challenge I committed to, and since I still can’t seem to pull any threads down to earth and into creation, instead i’m writing out the mundane and extraordinary of my day. I’m sure a silly movie about teen love and conflict about the future affected me the way it did for a reason. The why, also TBD. I will say, there were some stealth little life lessons thrown into it, which I always appreciate about these movies.

One part that jumped out at me, was the main character narrating on the question she had for a college essay [would it even be one of these movies without some profound college essay needing to be written??] that she re-worked from “where do you want to be in 5 years” to “who do you want to be”. And as she broke down the qualities of the people she loves the most, one from each of them that in combination she hopes she can be, [which was really heartwarming— yes i’m a sucker for the feels]I couldn’t help but be moved by that question. Who is it that I want to be in 5 years? Or for my reflection sake, who is it that I want to be now; how is it that I want to show up in the world? And since this is what came to me in this moment, writing about my mundane day and random energy releases [tears and singing and general emo vibes], lets do this:

Who do I want to be?

I want to be

a feeling that lingers;

a blanket wrapped around your shoulders on a late autumn afternoon

the sun that gently kisses your cheek

warm and inviting; a moment of pure presence

an always too tight hug,

a breathe of fresh air;

a truth you can’t explain, but know;

a reprieve from the suffocation of the boxes and expectations

*

I want to be

the love that most would consider reckless, [but really is just free];

pleasure and presence embodied;

an example of radical acceptance;

an expression of relentless authenticity;

the one you pull in close

who meets your gaze and doesn’t look away;

and even when you have to go—

the home you always return to.

I want to;

always have the courage to keep moving forward,

with all of my idealism and belief in what can be—

if we choose love, always

to be a reminder

of what humanity in action looks like

[often ridiculous, sorta messy, and also graceful in new and undefined ways]

that we can always lean in and love a little more.

that pain can be a beautiful teacher

and the only deeper grief than heartbreak,

is never being seen, never allowing ourselves to be known;

I want to be an example;

of what living looks like;

a resilient kind of hope;

one of the crazy ones;

unapologetically steeped in truth.

I want to be one that leaves others better than I found them.

That sees the good [the god] in all;

and never loses sight of why it is that we are here.

***

Day 20/28: Lion’s Gate Portal peak today [8/8]. All sorts of wild stuff floating in the ether. This one was a roundabout way of saying— Love and connection is all that I am, and all that I hope to ever be. Also it feels important to note—Leo Season Status: Whooping My Ass. Anyone else out there feeling wrung through the emotional washing machine? It feels like my heart is calling so much to the surface. Venus moving into Cancer yesterday, adding a little extra spice into the mix. There are lessons to be learned, pieces that inevitably will fall into place, but it’s still not yet time. For now, i’ll just keep witnessing the synchronicities, intuitive pulls; reflect on my weird ass dreams and funny messages I receive in all sorts of forms. Patience. Extraordinary in the mundane. Sending love if you are feeling like a walking contradiction this week [or always— I see you]. Thank you for being here with me, especially if you stuck through reading about my Saturday while I tried to figure out what the hell to write about. Until next time ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Then Go...

“Perhaps some of us have to go through dark and devious ways before we can find the river of peace or the highroad to the soul’s destination”

-Frederick Pierce, “Dreams and Personality”

◆

It’s natural, to want to get away, to escape, to write a new chapter of your story. But are you moving toward something or just running away?

Are there parts of your Self yet to be forgiven, healed or acknowledged? Pieces that feel vulnerable, and weak, and uncomfortable? Ask yourself these questions, because you can go to the deepest, darkest, most isolated corners of the earth, not another human in sight... but YOU will still be there. You cannot run from yourself. You can mask it for a bit; distract, numb, create stories about the “why”, but eventually you will be still…in the aloneness you have sought out. So alone that you will have no choice but to face the truth...

What is it that you are really afraid of seeing? You? Who you may be? Who you may not be? Who you have been? Who you have not forgiven yourself for being? 

It’s ok. Sometimes we need space, adventure, and especially freedom to explore who we are outside of our current and “comfortable" environment; and even to run away. Before you go though, have an honest conversation with yourself about why. What is it that you are seeking? What is it that you are escaping from?

You have survived everything that life has hurled at you and you are still here. Standing. Growing. Moving forward.

Embrace the lost, the frightened, the dark and violent, and the vulnerable. Embrace the scared and helpless child within. I know it’s hard; and I know it’s scary. But you are safe now. You are loved and supported. And you are worthy; just because you are here; because you exist. You don’t have to run and there is nothing you have to find that is outside of you. You already have everything you need and have been seeking all along; it is all within you.  

So, if you still want to go, go. Be brave; open yourself to all that this life has to offer, and enjoy. Every. Fucking. Minute. Of it. Seek all of the immense and unique beauty that is out there, in this great big world. But remember, you don’t have to go anywhere to find you.

You have never been lost; have never been without. You just have to remember. Look within and ask the questions that are burning in your heart.

Get honest with you. Because no matter how hard you try, you cannot escape your heart, and why would you want to? It is beautiful, and strong, and courageous, and unbelievably resilient, and it beats for you. You are strong enough, to feel, to face your demons. You are exactly who you are supposed to be, made of dark and light. And because of that, you are whole.

So first, be curious and brutally honest; face what you fear the most. Honor all of who you are and have been. Embrace and accept ALL of you. Trust the beautiful, powerful and healing love in your heart; your Truth.

Then go. 

With gratitude and always love,