{kali}vibes

Waxing Gibbous Moon in Capricorn.

Day 13/28: I don’t have much to say today. I’m feeling an intensity within that wants to explode out of me. Some major Kali vibes rolling through me in waves. Imagery of one of her many arms, holding the severed head, the head of ego— dripping blood.

For those of you who don’t know about Kali, and are slightly alarmed at the picture i’m painting with words, don’t be alarmed it’s all metaphorical. Kali is the great liberator. She will stop at nothing to give you your everything. And the severed head in this case, represents the unintegrated ego that she is coming to free you from [see image below].

“Samhara Kali” by Raja Ravi Varma

When she shows up, it’s generally not gentle, but it’s for you— for she will burn your ego to the ground, rip off your head, gut you— but again, it’s all to liberate you—from the trappings of the ego, to clear space for the true you to take center stage…

So it’s a metaphorical rage moving me at the moment. A resentment of the blockages that exist in the collective [and likely still within me which is why i’m feeling it so intensely and with so much judgement] around the capacity to unlock and harness our deeply innate and powerful creative life force energy— and express it fully into the world. And the wounded ego— what is meant to be the expanding container to hold life force, to be the strong and loving boundaries that gives the feminine energy form and direction as it blossoms and grows and intensifies—instead shies away from or tries to wrap it’s hands around the neck of this beautifully potent life force energy in an attempt to manage or control it.

It just can’t handle the presence of all that juicy divine energy.

And I feel a sense of suffocation when I find myself tapped into these energies. I feel angry and resentful. At all the representations in my life that show me through actions that they are too afraid to surrender to the depths; too tied to the trappings of ego to take the journey inward— with presence and intention— through the deep dark metaphorical woods for the freedom they seek. A lot of Peter Pan’s dressing in Kingly robes with no true intention to lead and a rejection of taking responsibility. And I have no patience for it.

And because I am in this moment finding myself projecting outwards and assigning blame to these physical representations of the wounded masculine I have experienced —it’s a sure sign I need to take this time to go within and sit with myself a bit; to witness what is trying to be seen and felt and moved within me. Noticing where there is resistance and rigidity and breathing in a bit of release and ease where I can manage; curiously noticing where I am avoiding taking true responsibility and maybe not trusting my capacity to hold space for this much intensity—this much juice— that is unlocking and I can viscerally feel flowing through me at the moment…witnessing where my own wounding may be trying to get my attention because it’s just about time for me to deal with it.

So yea, I’m going to go be with myself a bit and meditate on that. I hope wherever you are, you are holding loving space and awareness for self. And if by some synchronistic connection you are feeling some of this intensity rolling through you… I see you. Take a breath and before you go and project it onto the world around you, pause and ask “is this in my highest good in this moment?” trust the answer from within and do what feels truest for you. I know my reactions are not in my highest at the moment, so I’m going into a lovingly self-imposed time out 😂.

Have a beautiful evening!

With gratitude and always LOVE,

{rest day}

Waxing Crescent Moon in Virgo

And then there are the days. When a nap is the only thing that my body is crying out for. Where no solid form can be made from the scramble of energy bouncing around in my head. Today is one of those days. And as much as I would love to weave some magic in the form of word play, i’m instead going to honor what my body is asking for. I’m going to luxuriate in the simple silence of my cozy little apartment. Maybe order some takeout. Hopefully be in bed by 10:00pm. Rest, give myself some quiet space. Just be.

This is an equally important part of this journey for me, [this challenge of writing every day i’ve placed upon my shoulders]. It is a curiosity I have, finding the edge of where I’m escaping myself, the present moment and avoiding leaning in and doing something that is just slightly out of my comfort zone, versus when i’m just tired because I’ve had a long week. And when honestly checking in with self, today, in this moment, it’s the latter. I have had a beautiful week, but am just getting back into client work [after quarantine shut me down for a few months] and finding my threshold of my “conditioning” so to speak as it relates to the space I hold for others and what that requires of me energetically; finding that sweet balance that I’m constantly seeking that is often shifting— as is life.

And so as I work this out “loud”, here is my offering today: learn to listen to the ebb and flow of your body. Question and discern between what is edge of comfort zone and genuine fatigue. And recognize that there is no shame or inadequacy in just being tired, or needing to pause, to slow down. It’s important to show up for self, which is why I’m here, writing these words today. It’s very important for me to keep my word to myself [this is a part of my healing around the masculine energy— I may dig more into this at a different time, just not today]. And so because I set this intention for myself, I am following through, and also honoring my energy in only spending a few minutes on this post, instead of hours. This is a rest day ;)

***

This is also day 5/28. I appreciate this challenge, these little nuances i’ve witnessed within myself these past few days, and looking forward to what I continue to learn. I am so grateful for your being here, taking the time to read my words and reflections, and I hope you have a beautiful day, wherever in the world and whenever in time you find yourself here with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,