i’m tired.

Waning Gibbous Moon in Taurus

My goal when I communicate about anything is to open doors, create safe spaces…

I want to bridge gaps and bring us closer together, not push further apart.

And I can’t keep pretending that i’m not absolutely fucking exhausted about the way things are and have been for far too long.

Because I know you were taught the same bullshit that I was.

I know it doesn’t serve any of us

I know it’s not your fault.

And I know you aren’t helpless— you can do better.

I’m not here to beat up on you. Or to talk down to you.

You are so much more than that.

I want to call you up to your full capacity.

It doesn’t do you or the world any service to pretend that it’s just the way it is and as though you aren’t capable of being more, of being a whole being.

Nor does it do the world a service for me to stay small or quiet for your comfort; to be less of me so you don’t feel insecure or inferior.

I want to meet you in your fullness. Not this half version we are all so familiar with.

And it’s your choice to embrace that or not; it’s your choice whether you want to be met. And…

I’m tired.

***

I’m tired of being told that the clothes that I wear; that the body I walk this earth in, is a distraction. That my making eye contact or being friendly is an invitation for your unwanted advances. That you can’t see past what it is you desire to see how uncomfortable I am.

I’m tired of having to play traffic cop and have my guard up. Of your sense of entitlement and expectation of how I show up for you.

I’m tired of being verbally assaulted for not leaning into your advances.

I’m tired of you leaning in, only to run away the second it feels like you may have to take responsibility and show some discipline.

I’m tired of being demonized or treated as something to be resisted and kept at arms length because you are too afraid to touch your own vulnerability and the mirror of mine is too much to stand in for you.

I’m tired of being fought. Of being accused of trying to control you because you feel out of control; because you need the control and without it you don’t know how to swim in the uncertainty that is life.

I’m tired of your suspicions about my ulterior motives when I speak directly and openly about what I want; about me being empowered in my sense of self; in my sexuality; in my boundaries, that I set, not to keep you out, but because they are in alignment with my integrity and allow me to rest in a space with you, open to you— to pour into you. [Isn’t that what you want— to be given to and received— in love?]

And it’s not all about you. I know you aren’t familiar with that concept. But i’m not here, spending my time and energy thinking of all the ways I can trick you. When I say I want honesty, it means I want honesty. When I state something clearly about what I want, I mean it. It’s not a trick or a trap i’m setting. If you don’t want the same thing, it’s really ok. Even if my feelings get hurt in the process. Not everyone is going to be a good fit. And I can manage my feelings. I can hold space for pain and disappointment. And I can survive it. So can you, if you were willing to give it a shot. And it’s ok if you don’t want to do that either, just don’t pretend you do to save face and then run and hide when faced with the opportunity.

[And to be clear: it isn’t about you protecting my feelings when you avoid telling the hard truth’s— thats about your discomfort in standing in and communicating that truth. It doesn’t make you valiant or kind, it makes you a coward.]

I only want truth. Not the story you think I want to hear. I want your truth. I want to know what it is you really want. I want to know you. Including the messy and uncertain parts.

[And for the record, I know when you aren’t being honest. I can’t explain how I know, but I know. Often times, you may not even realize you aren’t being honest, because you aren’t used to even telling yourself the truth. And I have compassion for the journey it takes to get to the truth beneath the stories we have picked up and tell ourselves in order to fit in this world.]

I see you. I truly understand and I’m not judging you.

And i’m so tired. Of walking on eggshells around your fragile ego. It’s one thing to be shaky standing in the discomfort of uncharted territory. But it’s a whole different vibe when you have the nerve to try to manage and control me for your own comfort and then talk about my emotions being a weakness or too much; when you twist my words or when you dismiss or reject my experience because you can’t handle witnessing the raw and unfiltered delivery of it.

[We don’t live an entire life without going through painful experiences, and I don’t need you to take on the weight of mine. I just need you to hold space for and witness when it comes up. The life we live inevitably shapes who we are— for better or for worse— and how we show up to things like relationship, friendship, sex, intimacy. That’s life.]

I’m tired of you projecting your inability to connect with your own emotions onto me and acting like you are doing something to protect me. It’s just another way to protect the ego that needs a damsel in distress to save; when you don’t know your value outside of providing or fixing.

I don’t need you to save me, I need you to show up. To stand in and for your truth. I need you to realize how sacred your space is and honor that first and foremost. And if you say you want me, I need you to meet me in mine and not feel afraid because I don’t need you to save or fix me. My not being helpless is not a threat to your “manhood” whatever that even actually means…

[But, it does seem to make you uncomfortable— stating that my needs matter too. That my pleasure isn’t about your ego. It’s not about some outcome you can pat yourself on the back about as you replay it in your mind. It’s not even about an outcome. It’s about the journey. It’s about connecting. Not a transaction. It’s about experiencing and flowing and deepening and enjoying the freedom that exists in that safe and delicious space. It’s not about pushing the right buttons to complete the next level. My body isn’t something to be played and achieved with a score attached to it at the end. And if you weren’t present enough to the moment that you don’t know if I came, don’t fucking ask me, please— just don’t do it.]

I’m tired of being misunderstood.

I’m tired of being held at arms length.

Tired of you walking into my space for your own desires without any intention of truly meeting me.

I’m tired of transactions.

[I want depth. Intimacy. Relationship. And I want a type of relationship that isn’t cookie cutter or the standard. I want to create a relationship built on trust and truth and freedom and unconditional love. Where two people are choosing the life they want to create; together.]

And i’m tired of being accused of anything less than that.

I’m tired of being pinned to the wall when i’m anything less than perfect.

[I am a human being. And I don’t know everything. I make mistakes and I own up to my mistakes. I do my best to learn and do better. And I hold space for that in you as well. I receive you in all of your humanity. Can you—will you— meet me in mine?]

I’m tired of having these narratives run through my head.

I’m tired of these cycles that sweep through me and knock me on my ass, where I am so angry and resentful toward the men I have encountered or witnessed throughout my life that have treated me [and others] as a transaction or a conquest; who couldn’t see or meet me and how that effected how I showed up in the world.

And i’m tired of feeling resentful or angry that I let it. That I changed me for their comfort or a false sense of belonging and conditional love. And I also know that if I keep dancing around it or keeping it trapped inside of me, it cannot be transmuted into any sort of inspired action; into any real change or growth. So as uncomfortable as this all makes me, and likely makes you...there it is.

I’m tired.

***

Day 22/28: I’ll tell you what. I really didn’t want to write [or publish] this. This topic brings up a lot of instinctual resistance within me. It’s feels like a dangerous place where i’m about to be swatted down. But it’s been what is coursing through me the past few days [and the past few years frankly] and what came out when I first sat down to write. And I tried to write something else, but came back to this instead, so yea…. here we are.

I don’t want to project or blame. There is too much of that going on in this world and that’s not my aim nor what I want to contribute to the conversation because I don’t think it’s particularly productive in opening lines of communication or in building relationships. But i’m really tired. And there is some swirling energy in the ether that is bringing up a lot of wounding around the historical mistreatment— the violence, abuse, rejection and fear— of women, including myself. I want to be able to frame this conversation in an inviting way. And this is one of those uncomfortable ones. This is my truth and it’s all I have in me today. So again, i’m not writing this to blame or shame anyone who may be reading this and finds themselves taking offense. If you want to do so, that’s your choice, but I would always instead invite some curiosity and reflection into the areas that bring up resistance. And if it doesn’t apply to you, then it’s not about you.

And i’m not overlooking or bypassing that men suffer as well, as do many other segments of the population that I happen to not fall into the category of; this is just what is in me today, coming from my white, cisgender, hetero, white female perspective. And with that disclaimer, this is where I will call it for the evening. If anyone has anything they would like to discuss in relation to anything i’ve written, my door is open as long as you walk in it with an open, curious and respectful way. We can have hard conversations with love.

Sending so much love to anyone else feeling some of these wild vibes today, or over the last few days for that matter [or the whole of this year if that’s where you are]. And for clarity sake, by vibes, I mean “fuck the patriarchy, let’s burn it all down'“ vibes.— that’s just where i’m at]. If you are feeling some other sort of vibes, I’m sending you love and an encouragement to hold space for whatever is there— we may just be in different head/heart spaces ;). Regardless and always, I appreciate you being here on the journey with me.

With gratitude and always LOVE,



who I want to {be}

Waning Gibbous Moon in Aries

Today, I woke up. I had coffee. I moved some heavy furniture I’ve been putting off moving for 9 months, down a narrow staircase, and into a very small cellar [like 4 1/2 foot ceiling and loads of spiderwebs in a 100+ year old house kind of cellar] and may have escaped without doing any real damage to my back [winning]. PS: in case you were wondering—I’m out of shape and was reminded that my body could use a little resistance training for #lifestuff like picking up heavy things and not throwing out my back. But on the plus side, there is more room for activities in my apartment now [yay!]. I had a friend gracious enough to wake up and help me move said heavy furniture into the small space, and he also escaped [as far as i know] without anything more than hitting his head once [also winning].

And then we had a good long talk over delicious iced coffee [cups number two and three for the day]. We talked about inner journey vs. outer world. About duality and paradox of being human. About what the fuck is happening in the world right now and where we go from here. We agreed and disagreed and often said a lot of the same things in our own unique language and tried to bridge gaps. And then when both our brains had enough of the mental gymnastics, I went home. Showered the dried sweat [again from moving said furniture in a humid-ass Virginia summer day], ordered Thai food from my fave local spot and inhaled some Pad Thai. It was delicious. Then I watched “The Kissing Booth 2” on Netflix [feel free to judge me if you want] and I proceeded to cry my eyes out. Not quite sure what that was about, but it unlocked something. And then I spent the last two hours listening to moody EMO music, singing at the top of my lungs, complete with more crying [something is moving from the inside trying to escape, what, is still TBD].

I’m writing this, because, well, the writing challenge I committed to, and since I still can’t seem to pull any threads down to earth and into creation, instead i’m writing out the mundane and extraordinary of my day. I’m sure a silly movie about teen love and conflict about the future affected me the way it did for a reason. The why, also TBD. I will say, there were some stealth little life lessons thrown into it, which I always appreciate about these movies.

One part that jumped out at me, was the main character narrating on the question she had for a college essay [would it even be one of these movies without some profound college essay needing to be written??] that she re-worked from “where do you want to be in 5 years” to “who do you want to be”. And as she broke down the qualities of the people she loves the most, one from each of them that in combination she hopes she can be, [which was really heartwarming— yes i’m a sucker for the feels]I couldn’t help but be moved by that question. Who is it that I want to be in 5 years? Or for my reflection sake, who is it that I want to be now; how is it that I want to show up in the world? And since this is what came to me in this moment, writing about my mundane day and random energy releases [tears and singing and general emo vibes], lets do this:

Who do I want to be?

I want to be

a feeling that lingers;

a blanket wrapped around your shoulders on a late autumn afternoon

the sun that gently kisses your cheek

warm and inviting; a moment of pure presence

an always too tight hug,

a breathe of fresh air;

a truth you can’t explain, but know;

a reprieve from the suffocation of the boxes and expectations

*

I want to be

the love that most would consider reckless, [but really is just free];

pleasure and presence embodied;

an example of radical acceptance;

an expression of relentless authenticity;

the one you pull in close

who meets your gaze and doesn’t look away;

and even when you have to go—

the home you always return to.

I want to;

always have the courage to keep moving forward,

with all of my idealism and belief in what can be—

if we choose love, always

to be a reminder

of what humanity in action looks like

[often ridiculous, sorta messy, and also graceful in new and undefined ways]

that we can always lean in and love a little more.

that pain can be a beautiful teacher

and the only deeper grief than heartbreak,

is never being seen, never allowing ourselves to be known;

I want to be an example;

of what living looks like;

a resilient kind of hope;

one of the crazy ones;

unapologetically steeped in truth.

I want to be one that leaves others better than I found them.

That sees the good [the god] in all;

and never loses sight of why it is that we are here.

***

Day 20/28: Lion’s Gate Portal peak today [8/8]. All sorts of wild stuff floating in the ether. This one was a roundabout way of saying— Love and connection is all that I am, and all that I hope to ever be. Also it feels important to note—Leo Season Status: Whooping My Ass. Anyone else out there feeling wrung through the emotional washing machine? It feels like my heart is calling so much to the surface. Venus moving into Cancer yesterday, adding a little extra spice into the mix. There are lessons to be learned, pieces that inevitably will fall into place, but it’s still not yet time. For now, i’ll just keep witnessing the synchronicities, intuitive pulls; reflect on my weird ass dreams and funny messages I receive in all sorts of forms. Patience. Extraordinary in the mundane. Sending love if you are feeling like a walking contradiction this week [or always— I see you]. Thank you for being here with me, especially if you stuck through reading about my Saturday while I tried to figure out what the hell to write about. Until next time ;)

With gratitude and always LOVE,

Crystal Carryin', Ripped Jean and Hoops Wearin' Kinda Girl

Crystal carryin', ripped jean and hoops wearin' kinda girl, thats just how I roll.

Thrift and vintage is where I vibe… making that which is old, new again; classic lines with a little somethin' extra.

Repurposing, refinishing and up-cycling. Consciously consuming and luxuriating in a time when things were built to last.

Beautiful; scuffs and snags and all.

Ancient soul, throwback heart; from a time long, long ago.

Finding my way back, trying not to look over my shoulder.

I’ve been here before you see; hopeful and idealistic, and while some may call it such, not naive.

Loving openly, sometimes recklessly, like a child who hasn’t known lifetimes of heartbreak.

Old school with a young heart.

To be me, means to be… it does not mean to fit in, nor be a part of the latest trends.

[Authenticity requires me not to subscribe; to labels, or your expectations].

I don’t belong in boxes and especially not in a cage.

Not object nor creature to be admired and kept; and most certainly not to be used for your entertainment or at your whim.

Catch me if you can, but never try to pin me into a corner. Your attempts to control and manage me like another one of your scheduled to do’s will not serve you in my presence.

My desire to be affirmed and loved does not outweigh my Soul’s need for expression and freedom.

And freedom to me does not mean without boundaries.

It means with choice.

It means you choose me and I choose you.

It means that I’m going to defy expectations.

I’m going to say things.

I’m going to put my big ass foot in my big ass mouth.

Sometimes, I’ll be wrong and I won’t want to admit it, or to face it, but I will.

And, I will probably cry because, well, conditioning and lifetimes of experience whispers in my ear the danger and consequences of being anything less than good and right.

Or maybe it’s just the innate fragility as a consequence of my caucasian experience.

Either way, I just don’t like it— being wrong that is— but i’ll come clean.

Because what I want more than to be right— what I need more— is for it to be true.

It being me; us.

I need truth like I need air to breathe.

How do I know this?

Contrast in hindsight

I didn’t even know that for years I could not seem to find my way to a deep and nourishing breath.

Drowning in oxygen deprivation. Distracted and numb. A prisoner of a laundry list of coping mechanisms.

Death by the asphyxiation of non-truth's, silence, and avoidance for the illusion of self preservation.

And with clear eyes to see, and a heart open to feel [perspective] I can never go back.

Truth tastes too damn good.

And now, I express myself in so many subtle and not so subtle ways;

Embracing my personality— my style— with the approach of “who do I feel like today?”.

There is almost always going to be a piece of crystal or floral print somewhere on my being, that’s as close to a certain consistency you will experience in my presence.

That, and love of course.

My clothes and accessories are only an extension of being that serve as decorative draping

Insights and clues into my mood, emotions, love of my body and all the ways I get to embrace and show up in my skin. Don’t you dare become too distracted or attached to the surface image as there is so much more than meets the eye. A walking contradiction; still and always exploring and uncovering the overlapping and seemingly disconnected aspects of my being.

It's been an unwinding process— coming out of hiding— to step into what is really me.

A juxtaposition of soft and gentle, feminine and masculine, natural with an edge.

And as I continue to show up in the world, I often still have these out of body moments where I feel that either i’m fucking crazy and everyone else is sane, or I know some big secret that nobody else has figured out yet. It doesn’t really matter which it is, but i’m often left feeling not of this world. Like my ideas— my patterns of thought, and means of making sense of the ever shifting organized chaos around and within— are as alien as me.

[Which galaxy was I dropped off from?]

It’s unsettling to be within myself, and at the same time, it’s home.

When I’m at home with me it feels like I am unable to be with the world and when I am with the world sometimes I feel at home but, more often than not, am left feeling something akin to standing on the outskirts of a crowd; of humanity. I’m there but i’m not really a part of it [the whole, that is]. Sustained connection feels like an elusive entity, an elite society that I haven’t yet been invited to join. Complete with secret handshakes never learned, cloak and dagger, etcetera, etcetera [you know, all that Skull & Bones type shit].

Decades on this earth and I still don’t really know where I’m from, where I belong.

But I know. I can feel it in my bones, even if I haven’t been there yet, [or at least have not resided there for a sustained amount of time]. Funny how that goes. What I do know is i’m being called; to lean into and learn what connecting the disconnect of me from the world around me is really all about. Finding my way through the metaphorical fire swamp that is authentic human connection and interpersonal relating.

Learning how to be with other fully, whole.

On the occasion that I reconnect with people who knew me before I was the me I am today, the more I realize in so many ways how I put myself on this self imposed island of [surrounded yet] alone. And at the same time there were so many ways others have held me at arms length.

Was it— is it— me? Or them?

Well… maybe it’s that I am them and they are me. The reflection off and of one another, back and forth like a house of mirrors where the truth and reality eventually become so distorted one cannot know the real from the fake. Truth from non-truth. It’s impossible to know where you stand when you don’t know what reality really is and ironically, it doesn’t actually matter. It doesn’t matter where you stand. Well it does, but then again it doesn’t. Because no matter where you stand, there you are. And if you aren’t standing then you are sitting. Sitting out life. And the danger in this— outside of the health risks associated with prolonged time with ass glued to chair — is, as the old adage goes, when you stand for nothing you fall for everything… so standing for nothing equates to merely existing without living. And in that, there is no meaning and definitely no honor… but I digress...

Or maybe i’m starting to find my way….in other words, just getting started.

So, let's take it back for a moment, to connecting the disconnect, otherwise referred to as reconnecting.

It requires a reconnection of self to learn how to truly connect with others. And it’s impossible to navigate your sense of self in the world when you have no sense of self. Now let's add another layer to this [for shits and giggles]. What if your sense of self is formed based on the reflection of the world around you? What if, you learn who you are through other? And if you isolate yourself from the others, you never truly learn who you are? A bit of a mind fuck actually isn’t it?

And I’m right back to questioning if I’m the only one who spins into oblivion with the contradictions and similarities; the seemingly disconnected, unrelated, maybe even irrelevant, connections...

And really, ultimately, maybe it’s as simple as saying and believing, "I am enough”.

[Let’s pause for a moment and let that one marinate…]

All of this to say that navigating the waters of being human, belonging in the world and to self is tricky business.

Simple… so stupid simple, but not easy. I’m still learning the balance and nuance of being and doing. Being with other and being with self. Being with self and being within self. Being within self and being in my fucking head and ego. Because there is a difference. You can be with self and be so stuck in your head that you aren’t really with self. All the layers... And this is what this crazy ass journey is about; peeling back one at a time to discover only to uncover a new paradox and trap to fall into. New ways to become enlightened and disillusioned or possibly just delusional.

As in now. I don’t even know what sort of corner I just wrote myself into but I will attempt at another time to work my way out. At the end of the day it doesn’t actually matter. Because this is what it’s all about. As insane as that even feels to type on this keyboard. It’s these little moments between the moments.

Going from being nearly in tears at a kind message from a former lover to having an overwhelming sense of gratitude just to be in physical connection with another, sitting in comfortable silence, next to me as I plug away here in my wacky little world of words.

It’s the moments, between the moments.

But what do I really even know? Everything and nothing.

I’m just a crystal carryin’, ripped jeans and hoops wearin’ gal who believes in the practicality of the world around her but also all the things that cannot be seen, explained or measured.

Desperately attempting to keep one hand rooted above ground as the rest of her being swirls and moves below in the place where she resides. Kore and Persephone; the innocent maiden picking wildflowers and the Queen of the underworld.

She who loves deeply and fully.

Both desiring and terrified of the one who will step into her space finally ready to love her, fully and — as she is now within— wholly in return. Who believes that people are inherently good and that there is so much more than what we allow ourselves to experience.

That it’s all incredibly meaningful or maybe meaningless, but definitely, every moment, every experience, is significant.

And that it’s irrelevant whether we are real or this is all an illusion, because regardless, love and connection are what [truly] matters; the eternal and the infinite.

So, again I’ll ask, what galaxy was I dropped off from?

---

This was a really fun piece I wrote a few months ago when I was in a particularly sassy mood and I’m so excited to finally share it as the first new post on nicolettebernardes.com (If you’ve been following along, this blog formerly lived on resilientlifecoaching.com) and after a lot of work, I’m so excited to launch this new site with the new decade! Woohoo (happy dance ensuing over here 💃🏽).

As always, I share these pieces of me, as an invitation for you to reflect within and maybe shine some lights on parts of you yet to be seen or acknowledged [that and to sort out the madness in my mind ].

I’m so freakin’ grateful for your presence here, thank you for reading and joining me on my journey!

If you have any comments or questions for me, please email me info@nicolettebernardes.com. Subscribe below to get my newest posts and insider info + follow my journey on IG.

With gratitude, and always LOVE,

PS: If you know someone who would just love this piece, please like and share 🙏🏼Thank you for your support!