writing in reflection of the world around me //
love {in} my life
Full Moon in Aquarius
⬩
An intriguing prospect. A desire to dive in deeper. Explore a bit. I imagine what it may be like to feel your hands on my body. To hold your hand. A curious meeting. One of those funny stories, years ago. Before. Before it all unfolded and I became me. But I found myself drawn to you then. And now. A chance encounter. Yet I don’t believe in coincidence. Curious timing for sure. How many more of these am I going to experience before the pattern runs out? What is the animation here all about? Still a signal of hiding, or is there something yet but meant to be explored?
[This little stream of consciousness is where I started today… so I suppose I’m going to flow on love a bit and where i’m at with it these days… I’m typing this after i’ve written everything below and starting to feel slightly nauseous at a few of the things i’m actually going to share “out loud”… but it’s what came out of me today, so i’m going to go ahead and honor it. Love is a journey, this is a bit about mine; where I have been and where I am presently, and setting intentions for where i’m open to exploring next ;).]
***
I have been single now for the better part of three years. There have been a few men come into and out of my life, some incredibly significant, but none for more than a few months at a time. Not since before I began my awakening journey [and by began I mean I was sort of kicked in the face by circumstance and then tumbled down into a whole new world as a result 😅]. My journey home, began as a result of recognition of how poorly I was loving myself, and what had unfolded prior to that moment, was severe enough, that I was finally seeing that something had to change. I was ready to do something different. It was also a big reckoning, facing how I was allowing men into my life that hurt me, that couldn’t authentically love me or see me; partly because they weren’t grounded in themselves, and partly because I wasn’t grounded or in a particularly loving relationship with myself. I didn’t really know who I was at an intimate level.
And where I started from, was a numb and dissociated place. I had been totally disconnected from my body for most of my life, but it had reached never levels after the relationship I had been in took me to some places that I just couldn’t handle. It was too much. So when that relationship ended, in February of 2017, I didn’t feel— couldn’t feel anything really. Too much had happened. All I knew was that the plan I had made, the moves I had made in alignment with that version of myself, were blown to shreds and I had to come up with a new plan; I had to find a new me, but the old me had to die before I could do anything else…
And i’ve been burning down and rebuilding ever since.
I’ve done a lot of work around clearing out the barriers, the stories and beliefs and fears; the trauma around experiences from my past. For example, it wasn’t until an experience with a partner—where I actually felt safe enough with him to rest into the space and be present with myself— that I recognized in contrast how unsafe [emotionally] I had felt in so many other experiences of intimacy before him. [That one in particular led me down a deep rabbit hole I’m still exploring]. And it’s threads of awareness like that, that I have spent a lot of time witnessing and reflecting on. Myself and how I show up; what I have expected of men and from love. What transactional give and take I thought was love and partnership. The power struggles we witness and learn to engage in that don’t actually feel good to anyone, but are so prevalent in most interactions that we don’t know there is any other way, and often don’t even recognize why we are always feeling lack and defensiveness or just depleted by relationships. Breaking down the misinformation and finding what is true for me, and the love I want to show up for and participate in.
Witnessing my attachments to how someone showed up for me and the way in which I would latch onto those who were only capable of providing scraps; scraps that I accepted out of some deeper unconscious fear that it was all I was ever going to get. Out of fear that nobody would every really see me [all of me], and not just love me, but stay and build and grow with me. And accepting the scraps as reinforcement of my inherent unworthiness, a way to prove that I was right about myself all along; to hurt myself. Yuck. It never feels awesome to acknowledge these cycles and patterns, but these are the stories and experiences I have witnessed that were driving so much of my behaviors and reactions, and they are important for me to keep a pulse on, so that I know when fear is creeping in. When the instinctual urge to armor up and run away or latch onto someone comes on, I can notice it as an indicator for me that i’m feeling threatened and a beautiful opportunity for me to pause and notice what it is that i’m thinking about—and to discern whether something is actually wrong in the moment [my intuition speaking to me], or if i’m just assimilating from some past experience.
One experience, one present moment at a time…
There was a lot of gunk in the way of me seeing myself clearly. As is life and the case for most of us. And as a result, I was hiding myself in so many ways I could never see clearly. Unavailable is a pattern I recognized I was playing out over and over and over again. I was constantly attracted to men that weren’t able or willing to show up for me. Even the ones who I knew and know love me deeply, still cannot meet for more than short bits of time. And that isn’t about me, but I have accepted it because that was the only sort of love I had experienced from men in my life— those who loved me the best that they could, but were never taught themselves how to love and thereby held me at arms length or attempted to manage and control me for their comfort. I see now how I internalized that, made it about me and my shortcomings, or my “too muchness”, and time and again, invited those sort of men into my space energetically as it was the level of love I was familiar with, even if it wasn’t nourishing, or didn’t feel particularly safe. I wasn’t sure that anything better would come along…
It was comfortable— even if it kept me striving and attached and always chasing, trying to be enough and not too much all at the same time, so that they would stay. So they wouldn’t leave me. So I wouldn’t be alone.
And then there is this truth:
Unavailable was/is also safe, because it will never require me to have to deepen and hit the layers that soul shaking love has a tendency to rip open when standing in front of the mirror of other. I chose [still on some level choose] unavailable men, because I can blame them when they leave— whatever their reason, even when I know now that it isn’t really about me— and I get to stay safe in my little hiding place. With all my theories and ideas. With all my awareness. That last little corner of coping— where little me hides out and holds onto with a tight grasp— as it is my last line of defense against the inevitable death that fear says will come if I let someone shine light in that space; if they stay long enough to expose my hiding space. And yes, i’m calling myself the out, because well, maybe it’s part full moon energy, and maybe because i’m really finally ready to dive into new depths, a new chapter. Shedding old barriers to come home deeper. It’s time. My ego will never be ready for it, [it sort of hates me for writing this], but I can feel it in my bones that it’s precisely what I need. An undressing that has nothing to do with clothes, but is a far more intimate and exposed kind of naked..
I have chosen to face that pattern down, and day by day explore what it is I have believed about myself on an unconscious level; and in the awareness, I have gone about the work of changing my behaviors and the way I show up in potential intimate relationships. Being less judgmental and more loving toward myself for choices I made in the past, and speaking shame out loud so it doesn’t own me any longer— so I can be in my truth. And I have learned a lot. I see a lot. And it’s been a humbling, challenging and beautiful path to really come home to myself and develop a reverence for this big, big love I possess. This love that I have always wanted to share with others, but never really knew how.
It’s also been a path to reclaiming pleasure— learning how to witness and feel and open myself to exploring it. Through learning to sit with the intensity my own and not escaping out of my body; acknowledging what it is that I desire and that there is no shame in my having desires; reclaiming my body as a sacred space to be witnessed and experienced and revered— not for a man’s entertainment or ego—and learning to separate a familiar union of love and grief constantly existing simultaneously where it need not. And so much more I don’t have the time to explore today. Through this, i’ve also come to understand what at the core it is that I want from a partner, if I am to step into that arena with a man. The kind of partnership I desire…
And the main requirement [don’t love that word, but can’t think of another more fitting at the moment], is that if you want to step into my space… if you want to know me and experience me [in every sense of the word] then you must be able to witness and hold space for yourself. You have to be able to be present with and take responsibility for your being, in order to be invited into my inner sanctum; my sacred space. [Or at the very least, be ready to do the work to clear out all the barriers to self that currently don’t allow you to see you].
And why is this a “rule”?
Simple. I crave depth; it’s where I live, so surface transactions are never satisfying to me. And the most nourishing and pleasurable thing I have experienced in the presence of a man, is that recognition that he is able to hold me, not just in his arms, but he can hold the intensity of my being, with a love and reverence. He can witness me in my everything. And not just witness, but appreciate and empower it. He has to be a man that desires growth, and is ready [as one ever is] to be seen in his truth. Not necessarily without fear or insecurity, as we are all human and feel fear and insecurity, but a willingness and courage to stand in the discomfort of that vulnerability. Simple and not easy. This I know. I also know, that this way of being is not for everyone. And thats ok, no judgement. This is the space that I feel the safest and have the capacity to deepen even further into areas unexplored within self. This is how trust and thereby intimacy has a chance to be built.
And the way we can clearly see and feel true, authentic connection, to know what is “for” us and what is not, is through that same presence and awareness of self— a knowledge of what our individual needs are, what our non-negotiables are, and thereby allows a freedom to step into a space with other and honor self and communicate clearly what is ok, what isn’t; making a decision from that clear and present place whether we are a good fit or not. Creating space for less attachment and ego and more authentic connection.
Another “why” I realized through experience, was that there is nothing that feels more lonely, than physically being in the presence of someone, who is so stuck in the stories of their past and their future— their projections and fear and insecurities— that they cannot be in the room with me. I have had a few experiences like that, one in particular comes to mind where I felt how my body literally felt like I was in danger, nauseous even, when I had a mans arms wrapped around me that was stuck in his own inner dialogue. He wasn’t actually dangerous, he was a lovely, caring and warm human being. And he was physically here, but he couldn’t see or witness me. And it felt awful. And that is why it’s so important, because I know that a body next to me, not only “doesn’t do it for me”, but it literally leaves me feeling hungover. [Trust i’ve tested this out and tried to convince myself I could compromise on it and learned my lesson. Energetic hangovers are a real thing. Yuck.]
I used to hold this attachment to the idea that I needed that masculine counterpart to be my safe place and without that I had no place I could put down the weight and just be, and I was wrong about that. That was actually an exhausting and disempowering belief. I had to heal my own wounds around my masculine energy, and learn to be intentional and follow through and hold space for my own feminine energy. Within me. Wholly. I had to find my sacred safe space within that I can access at any point. And I’m still doing the work with that, but just in recognizing and cultivating that has been a game changer.
[This is also a work in progress, as is any of this— there are always deeper depths and higher heights to reach if we choose to lean in.]
The realization that I had to make the space within me safe first, without anyone else and have a symbiotic relationship with my own energies has allowed me to step into a space with a man, without the attachment and neediness of him staying for me to be able to rest easy.
And in that recognition and separation of expectation and responsibility, I can be a clearer more open and receptive version of myself; can give other more space to breathe without the weight of my expectations hitting him like a ton of bricks. And I can acknowledge, that while I do absolutely miss having a man in my company, being held and touched and just resting and deepening in an intimate way with other, I am still whole without that. I can miss physical contact and intimacy and not feel empty or lacking without it. Thereby I don’t find myself contorting or compromising on my integrity— what feels nourishing and healthy and safe for me— for the sake of companionship. There is a liberation in this space.
And as it has become a bit of a mantra of mine: as within, so without.
I can hold space for all of me, and can do the same for other. That’s what i’m bringing to the table— all of me and full acceptance of other. So if i’m going to allow a man into my physical space, my body, my heart; if i’m going to pour into him, and give of myself, he has to have the capacity to both witness and receive; to sit with the tension and intensity of his own depths; of his own nuances and intensities— his own humanity— in order to do the same for all that comes along with me. He has to meet himself in order to meet me, in love.
When one can’t hold the space for self, then there will always be a barrier to how deeply they can meet another. And my days of metaphorically screaming to be seen and heard and understood are over. As are my days of twisting myself in knots or stifling my fullness to make others more comfortable. Anyone being less than everything that they are, especially when driven by fear, does the world a disservice. I’m not here for that.
So where am I in this moment?
I am open. I am calling that man into my space. One who is ready meet me. And when he shows up, there isn’t a series of tests to be passed or some obstacle course he must go through. It’s simple. Presence and ability to take ownership of what is his to manage and the ability to sit with himself [projection and self-escape I am not here for]. Boundaries go both ways, and are a beautiful thing to be honored. I know what is ok with me and what isn’t and I will gladly share that up front and hold space for and respect boundaries in other. And hold compassionate space for myself and other as we stumble through this thing called relationship and intimacy. Communication and kindness and an openness to be messy and human and unsure and learn and grow together; called up in love. Open and curious to see what can unfold from that foundation…That’s where I am and where I want to be.
***
Day 15/28: Wow, I’m over the halfway mark with this writing challenge, and this one was a lot more than I ever expected to come out in one evening. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me on this marathon. But here we are. I have spent a lot of time attempting to write about love and intimacy and where i’m at with it in the past, and it has always just sort of felt stuck; I wasn’t able to go there with myself. So it’s a bit uncomfortable putting it out there, where I have been, who I have been, but more so who I am now and stating what it is that I want. There is resistance in expressing it, but it’s about that time, so yea. This is incomplete as so many expressions are and always will be, and as it relates to everything I said around what I desire, the harder things to describe are around attraction, as there are subtleties, as it relates to attraction that I can’t explain, it’s either there or it’s not. I either feel called to lean in and let go or don’t and I know pretty quickly. My body tells me clearly. And part of this clearing out process is so that when myself and another step into the arena and meet one another to see what can grow from that initial spark...we can do so from a place of individual truth, and thereby can honor self first and then decide to keep leaning in from there if it is in alignment with that self truth.
And {full transparency}: I haven’t met many men in general in the last few years as i’ve been doing my own inner work, especially not that the spark of attraction is there, and even less that I’ve gotten the opportunity to lean into the discomfort of putting all these abstract and solo recognitions into action… so the hardest part for me is that I’m a 35 year old woman, experiencing like a 14 year old all over again, just beginning to explore relationship and what that means, because I’m doing something familiar from a totally different paradigm and different version of myself than I’ve done it for the last 20 years of my life; so while I know what I want, i’m still awkward AF when something promising steps into my space. Oh the humbling lessons in being human; growth is fun [*insert playful eye roll here*].
Thank you again if you’ve made it this far today, and especially if you’ve been tuning in every day to see what sort of madness comes tumbling out of me. I appreciate you and sending you so much love and energy on this big full moon evening.
With gratitude and always LOVE,
all begins {in the dark}
Waxing Crescent in Virgo
It all begins in the dark where I lie unencumbered, receiving your divine interruptions. I know it’s you, your light shines through the darkest night; your presence reinvigorates the eternal flame under this waxing crescent, signal of conception; the harvest of hopes and desires to come.
Here you and I; we individually and collectively constantly sit: the void between innocence and ownership, where a long waged battle for the chosen ones is fought.
And you came to me in the momentary pause between night and day. Whispering messages I was bound to remember, my heart’s desire, my love. Reminding me of the constant cleansing process required; surrendering of that which is not mine yet easily can become a burdensome weight to carry on my shoulders.
Leaving breadcrumbs that lead to archetypal stories rife with remembering. Truth. Wisdom. Balance. The insignificant space between life and death; light and dark; chastity and indulgence—wholeness via an integration of dualities.
And a strengthening of the resolve to stand strong on this path. Stripping away man-made constructs, exposing the truth that has always been, but not necessarily seen: incomplete partialities, not absolute. Expanding the boxes of consciousness to hold the immense amount of life force that is rising, taking up space after millenia of being stifled, repressed, buried; misunderstood and mistreated.
Consciousness meets life force. Light meets dark. Eros meets Psyche. Masculine meets Feminine.
Divine + Sacred union forged in the fire of transformation, soul moved by love: The Alchemical Marriage.
{“Marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage, a "transition to the unknown"** }
…And first there was dark, from where all else came to be…
***
“Since the ultimate end of the heroine's story is her final understanding of herself. It is the final acceptance of her totality of being, which includes her mind, body, and spirit. Psyche's story involves the ultimate acknowledgment that the soul can be granted immortality through its' ability to love.” *
When it comes to aspects of our being, the transition that I have found to be the most healing, is not the repression or rejection of those aspects within self that are hard to face in the mirror, but instead the integration and loving acceptance of them as a part of our whole being. A maturation process of transmutation. Learning to sit with and love the unloveable. Being with the not-beautiful. This is what the spiritual journey, the awakening journey is all about. Bringing more awareness to every moment, every space occupied [as within, so without] and integrating the seeming duality into the folds of our inherent wholeness.
[Bringing us back to divine balance, the gnosis of being both fully human and fully divine.]
◇
I had a dream last night that brought me to a space of reflection on darkness and light. That from darkness— death— is where all life emerges. And the integration of the polarities of energy that exist within us, masculine and feminine; light and dark— a vital part of the coming home journey— deepening to rise;
the deeper the roots, the higher the branches.
We as physical beings, are the midpoint. Soul’s sanctuary, keeping the eternal flame lit.
And our journey is not to escape the body, [the so-often glorified “transcendence” as a means of bypass] but instead to bridge the void between our whole humanity, the physical manifestations that we are, and whole divinity: our remembering of the divinity that we are, the god within. This illumination requires darkness.
And the journey of Psyche into divine union, through death [her marriage was also a funeral] required her surrendering into the depths to find the heights [in her case it was her drinking the elixir of immortality and securing her place amongst the Gods after she journeyed, through many tasks, including a trip to the underworld— and ultimately achieved divine union with Eros.]
Virgo [where our moon currently resides], is associated with Ceres, the grain goddess. Bountiful harvests that can only come to fruition by first planting seed into earth— to be nourished and incubated in the dark, to grow roots; taken from the earth [beginning of death] to sustain and nourish life.
We too are planted in this way. In the darkness and protection of the womb to grow, and eventually, incur a separation from the Mother. This separation is a vital part of the path. For if we were never separated, there would be nothing to find our way back to. Life/death/life. Inevitable absolutes. The forgetting is a vital component of the remembering. The stumbling and making mistakes, the “not knowing”— to be smacked upside the head with like a brick of sudden awareness—is on purpose. The journey to higher consciousness starts below the surface, an exploration deep in the underworld.
To find our way to divine union, which, as within, so without, is the coming home to balance—polarity— within self. And as such, in order to manifest the same in the outer world, we must take this journey first.
Relationship and self: both great entry points of exploration, both uncharted territory.
And here, is where we see that marriage and death are merged into a single rite of passage. For to merge with other, one must first find self. Come home and merge with self. Coming home is experiencing, a clearing and de-rubbling, and a remembering; a return to a symbiotic relationship with the inherent cycles of nature, the mother—Life/death/life. An inherent rhythm, that if learned to dance to with grace, trust and in surrender, leads us, one step at a time, exactly where we are [meant to be].
***
Day 4/28. Weaving threads and themes of: Vesta’s sacred and eternal hearth, divine union of Psyche and Eros; Nyx, the goddess of the night and alchemical marriage and [shocking I know] a bit about awakening, because that seems to be the place it always comes back to. It did actually begin with a dream that I woke to this morning and from there became as I mentioned in the poem, following the breadcrumbs and seeing where it led me. Honestly, I have no idea if this makes any sense, and, as a part of this challenge for me is writing and publishing same day, there is a fun little tension in flowing and attempting to connect dots [especially when I don’t begin writing until 8pm] and then waking up the next morning to see if I even like what I wrote [funny and true story]. Deepening into trust that whatever flows out of me is what is meant to [even if some days it’s terrible or makes no sense]. The practice of leaning into the edges of the journey, and being less worried about destination. Thank you as always for flowing with me ❤︎
With gratitude and always LOVE,
N1.3 The Chariot of Nyx; attributed to the Sappho Painter
PS:And here, are a few quotes I pulled from my google deep dive earlier today… enjoy ;)
Within the ascending Psyche, rooted in human matter, merging with the descending Eros, connected to heavenly light, we find a true soul communion. According to Demetra George, the Psyche asteroid illuminates our capacity to be sensitive on a psychic level to an Other and is about our desire for a soul mate, a union with a lover under the guidance of divine energy through the path of conscious relationship. Yet Psyche is not only about a spiritual and sexual union with an Other, but also can be about a union within the Self. Through Psyche, erotic energy is akin to the procreative life force when we are swept away in our body by bonding with a lover or other desire. In this way Eros is the primal, procreative force of our passion that underlies our vision and desires, as well as indicates our sexual attractions and vitality. https://graycrawford.net/tag/psyche/#:~:text=According%20to%20Demetra%20George%2C%20the,the%20path%20of%20conscious%20relationship.]
***
“The Alchemical Marriage is the union of duality and the most revered and possibly powerful union. It is the perfect conjunction, intimate bonding of duality and signifies the pure, deep harmony which occurs whenever the masculine and feminine elements of nature combines into One.” https://princessapetra.com/2016/11/07/on-alchemical-marriage/
*https://www.llewellyn.com/journal/article/1303
**https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cupid_and_Psyche
Free Spirit: A Legacy of Love
Day 1: New Moon In Cancer
***
“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”
- Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”
Yesterday, a woman by the name of Marguerite Porete was brought into my consciousness...
A woman who was deemed a threat to the dominating structures of power that existed during her time. Who lost her life through speaking what felt true in her heart and standing for her personal divine sovereignty, and as an offering in reflection to what is available within us all. Marguerite was burned at the stake in the year 1310AD as a heretic, because she refused to recant the beliefs she wrote about in her book “The Mirror of Simple Souls”.
She was murdered for speaking about personal empowerment. For attempting to share that this way of being in union with the divine, is accessible to all from within.
That’s wild, right? Or is it? For those of you who have dug into history and the goings on of those times, this won’t seem too out of the ordinary in terms of operating procedures. But now, on July 20, 2020, are things so much different [outside of the obvious not being burned alive part]? Not the outcome but the energy behind the punishment…the judgement and condemnation; the violence that stems when the status quo puts up massive resistance against anyone who dare step out of the boxes of what has been deemed acceptable, “good” or polite in our current society. Are we really so different today?
Are we curious or fearful of those individuals on this [beautiful yet harrowing] journey back to self—the reclamation of personal sovereignty— who merely stop showing up in the world in a way that is comfortable and familiar and conforming?
Who instead of fitting in have been unsubscribing to the status quo as absolute truth, and instead fact checking it against the internal knowing—soul truth, with a discerning heart— and when appropriate, choose to show up differently, as a more authentic version of self. Not in rebellion for the sake of it, or needing to stake a claim as an individual, but for the sake of honoring the truth that suddenly begins to pour from their own hearts and can no longer be denied. Taking up space in their authentic way as a means to thrive as whole beings.
How dare they be empowered from within; [with the very same source energy that has the capacity to flow through all of us, if we were to clear out the blocks keeping it outside of self that is].
How dare they take up space unapologetically. [And I don’t mean taking up space or ways of being that are physically harming anyone. I mean, taking up the space they were brought here to take up, with fierce grace and compassion; divinity in motion.]
How dare they, right? Or is it, how brave they are… for these are the beings— leaders of the reclamation of soul— bringing back humanity to the forefront in a world suffocating in the absence of it. Acting in service to and for humanity. And yet, in this current climate, how do we perceive, receive and judge them?
How we judge says a lot more about us personally, than them. And often is a byproduct of our perpetual striving to attain this elusive concept of divinity— and subsequently avoid proximity to those that would be deemed “sinful” so we don’t catch it— so that we can secure our future seat at the good table. Funny thing is, divinity was and never has been outside of our grasp. Nothing to be strived for, only awakened to. A remembering. Something to be lived here and now, in this life.
That can be a hard pill to swallow. Because the mirror “those ones” hold up, reflects an unfamiliar “face” of the sacred space we all have the capacity to occupy— if we are willing to get uncomfortable and begin questioning everything that we have adopted as absolute. The knee-jerk judgements inevitably come in as a result of unconscious conditioning— that says anything outside of our narrow paradigm is a threat to our safety and survival— and suddenly, as a result, showing up in the unadulterated and unfiltered love that each and every one of us is, feels too dangerous, too exposed from an unconscious frame of reference. Especially to those unacquainted with such a beautiful intensity.
How uncomfortable we have been with the presence of true unconditional love.
Could you even identify it when you are in the presence of it? Do you realize that love can come in an infinite number of [packages] and flavors, not always palatable or comfortable, sometimes gentle, other times intense, and yet all love, just the same?
Have you ever felt instinctive unease, suspicion or threatened when someone shows genuine affection or vulnerable expression, especially out loud, in public, outside of the designated “acceptable” spaces and places?
Love is an energy that is infinite and fluid, not to be owned or managed.
Love is not attachment.
Sit with that for a moment.
This kind of love i’m attempting to describe, the unconditional variety, is an energy that asks nothing from and is interested only in being witnessed. It doesn’t need something from you to survive. It doesn’t take from and it isn’t about control and domination or power of any sort. It just is. Absolute and all encompassing.
And it seems counterintuitive, but we have been conditioned to be in rejection of this energy we are all comprised of. Why? Maybe because it can be so intensely transformative and we have not yet built the stamina to stand in and receive; allow it to move and affect us. Maybe because personally empowered beings, flowing with unconditional love are really hard to manage and control.
I can’t say absolutely, but I do know the consequence of this rejection: we hold it away, keeping it from getting too close, villainize it and thereby suffocate love— out of this need for it to show up in a form that is palatable and digestible for us [translation: into something comfortable that we can control]. We want it, we crave it and we are terrified of all the ways it moves us, so we strangle love into attachment by attempting to force it into a box.
And as a result, we are disconnected from our humanity and connection to the wholeness and truth of who we really are.
For that reason, most of us have never experienced true, unconditional love; have yet to sit with the tension within of our own composition that is this potent life force energy.
And in order to maintain the status quo, “dominator consciousness”— the power and control dynamics the overwhelming majority of this world currently operates within—there is a package we have been taught that we must come wrapped in to be acceptable [translation: safe]. This usually is some version of tame, polite, ”good”, selfless. The wild, unapologetic and loving self, uninhibited by the dictations of those needing our conformity in order to maintain; sovereign and whole beings, empowered from within are absolutely a threat to that structure’s very foundation.
“And this is what made her work so dangerous. She didn’t need the direction of the church, or any external spiritual authority, but rather just the voice of love that existed within her”
-Meggan Watterson, “Mary Magdalene Revealed”
Free Spirit
I got a tattoo on my left forearm in early 2018 that says “free spirit”. At the time, it was because something was stirred within, an inner recognition sparked after I had been called a “free spirit” by a male authority figure [in a space I was working at the time]. And it wasn’t because he meant it in an encouraging or congratulatory way. No, he couldn’t find another term to describe me, but felt saying it out loud would be a slight. How do I know this? Well, because he prefaced it with “So don’t take this the wrong way, but….” and it ended with “you’re kind of, you know, a free spirit”. And I smiled at him and asked “why would I take that the wrong way? I am a free spirit”. And the look of confusion and the angle at which his head tipped to the side led me to believe he was a bit confused by my statement of acceptance of the title.
Fast forward to yesterday. I never knew that there was a whole group of people who were referred to as The Bretheren of the Free Spirit*, mainly between the 13th-15th century, and in learning about Marguerete Porete [diving down the rabbit hole of Wikipedia], I not only learned a bit more about what was considered heresy in those times—that would lead someone to lose their life— but I felt a deep resonance with this woman and her journey. And sadly, not surprised by the almost comical hypocrisy of what these acts were carried out in the name of.
I also now understand why the unconscious response to someone who is not confined by the suffocating guidelines, dictated through structures built upon patriarchal foundations, is fear and resistance/rejection. Someone, especially a woman, whose esteem is sourced from within and doesn’t need the approval of the outside world to be embodied and in deep reverence of their worthiness, truth, and inherent value— I get why those people [my kind of people] seemed dangerous to the very core of those who held the majority. Those who subscribe to the notion that power is finite and must be taken or given in order to be powerful could not “afford” to allow people to realize they had the capacity to be empowered from within. Could not hold the tension of each one of us being sacred and whole unto self. It would completely destabilize the structure that all else was [and still is for the record] built upon.
I would also argue, that those trapped in the finite/scarcity model of power couldn’t/cannot recognize the ability to be sovereign and independently empowered in themselves, so how could they hold space for and witness it in others?
Free spirit has taken on an entirely new meaning as I look down at my arm, as I type these words. In another time, I would have likely lost my life over my deep belief, in alignment with Marguerite, the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, and the many others that came to this nous in their own right, independently of any outside influence or teachings: those humans that by just being, remembered the truth; who in finding their love, achieved union with the divine, from within. And again these words I shared at the beginning ring so powerfully in my heart:
“She was condemned a “relapsed heretic,” and as a free spirit— someone who believed that human beings could achieve union with the divine, without the mediation of the church. Free spirits believed that god is love and that love (being god) alone could lead the soul to union from within them.”
There is some potent energy swirling in this wild time of human history and what i’d like to close out on is an offering in the form of a reflection— what i’ve been noticing within myself over the last 48 hours. Old wounds being activated around being misunderstood or misinterpreted and having my words or intentions twisted into something malicious when they are wholly benevolent in nature. Or others projections in response to my authentic expression, and their preconceived notions and beliefs around what is “good” and what is “evil” or “bad”. I’ve been knocked into deep reflection because of the intensity of the trigger felt within my body as these instances occurred— mostly my old “being good” narrative being pinged— and I had to take some time to unpack what my reaction to the outside information was really about. This is my work in action.
So i’ll also invite you to witness, if you feel so called— from an observers curiosity— the moments or experiences in the forms of people and interactions and the internal response to external stimuli as it relates to stories around belonging and safety/survival. The stories and old beliefs around who you feel you have to be in order to be accepted, loved, worthy. When you notice these themes coming up, just watch, with curiosity, kindness and non-judgement and see where it leads you…
The messages I’m receiving in response to my own witnessing, the support and synchronicities all around me are pointing toward:
-Boundaries. Not to keep others out, but to stand, grounded in love, palms out and open, with that aforementioned fierce grace and compassion.
-To continue on this path, even when there are days where it would be easier to cave, to be polite and apologize for the space I’m occupying, or to go along with those that are operating from a paradigm of who we need to be before we are worthy of love, belonging, success, etc.
-To witness my reactions to the projections, discern between defensiveness and lack of alignment with my own values and meet it always with love, even if my love could also be misinterpreted. To be me fully, not asking anyone else to be like me, and also not apologizing for the space that feels true in the depths of my being [i’m a sacral authority for you HD folks, so my truth often time calls to me from sacred womb space kind of depths].
And on this new moon, in the sign of cancer, that is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry**, the intentions i’m setting, the lesson i’ve taken from everything swirling, conspiring for me, is a looking back, to honor the legacy of love— and the fear that has labeled “free spirit” as a dirty word. As profanity. As heresy. And reclaiming it as the legacy of the divine— the beauty way that it truly is— that I feel will bring us into a new era of humanity, if we allow it to move us. If we are willing to do the internal excavation and reclamation work that will allow it to flow through us.
And I’m being called deeper within still. Peeling back new/old layers that no longer serve this current iteration of “me” but instead keep old karmic wounds festering. Giving these wounds new fresh air to breathe, and thereby heal.
Liberation of soul.
Free spirit, a legacy of love…
As within, so without.
Happy New Moon and thank you beautiful human for being here on this wild journey with me. Referenced amidst my post was an excerpt from a new moon reading around the presence of goddess Isis energy that I wanted to share here as an offering as it feels relevant in this moment [Isis currently transiting over my 8th house Scorpio South Node so extra juicy vibes for me]:
“Isis is making a harmonious trine to the new moon, bringing in some really big, beautiful healing energy. Cancer is a sign associated with our roots and ancestry, so there is potential for ancestral healing. Uncovering how ancestral patterning can play into our stories of self-worth, success, relationships etc. and how this affects us on an emotional level. With this new moon we have the opportunity to move forward with less entanglements from the past, and who better to support us than Isis, with her ancient wisdom and high vibe healing magic.”
-by Alexis Bolvin (@alexismidnightmusings on IG)
and finally a little nugget of wisdom from one of my favorite decks that I pulled last night:
“When your journey requires that you stand apart from the crowd, don’t be afraid to embrace your outsider status and the freedom it bestows upon you— to think differently and objectively analyse what isn’t working with the clarity that comes with a more remote point of observation. Your unconventional views may cause discomfort to some at first, but it is of the good sort. This sort of discomfort can stimulate a healing crisis, a divine disruption that cracks faulty belief systems, making way for inspired innovation and radical improvement.”
-“Earth Warrior's Oracle”
***
Out of curiosity and a little challenge to myself, I am going to write a post a day, 28 days, for one complete cycle of the moon. Reflections from the observers perch, what’s swirling inside of me in the present moment and in response to the world around me. The only “rule” i’ve given myself is that I have to write/edit/post all within the same day. I’m interested to see what comes through me during this time, how my expressions may or may not be influenced by the transitions of the moon and what unfolds between now and next month.
Thank you for taking the time to be here in this space witnessing me, in my authentic expression. And I would, as always, love to hear what was sparked or that resonated, that you have taken from away from this reflection…
Be well, honor your energy, your journey and your love.
With gratitude and always LOVE,
* https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brethren_of_the_Free_Spirit
to shine light into the shadows // to untangle the knots in my mind // I write.