a new layer; exposed
a companion piece to “descent into darkness”
⫷♀︎⫸
Fighting with my darkness.
I’ve been hiding. While I am perpetually inviting others to embrace the beauty of their whole spectrum of humanity— and I truly believe in that— still on some level, i’ve feared and resisted my own. I’ve held back authentic expressions of the depths and edges I can’t stifle, can’t avoid. I have been [maybe noticeably, maybe not] absent, on social media, with my newsletter and my expressions here; everywhere really—other than my local coffee shops, because hey, I still need some human interaction.
I’ve been MIA, In part it’s because my brain was not cooperating to put my many feelings and thoughts into form; another part of it has been that i’ve felt overwhelmed, overstimulated and just didn’t want to engage with the world. But then there is something else…
I have felt the internal groan of “ugghhh, not another gloomy, moody expression about the underworld, depths, depression, how untethered and uninspired I feel”— since that is basically what I have felt to express almost every time I sit down to put pen to paper over the last year or so. And I have felt like a broken record. Repeating over and over the most intensely uncomfortable track. And the narrative of “nobody wants to hear this story line again” has been staring me down as it plays on repeat in the background of my mind.
And maybe you don’t want to hear it; but that’s not really the point. The point is I have allowed it to keep me from sharing the full, unfiltered truth about the landscapes I have been traversing. And because as I will share in a moment, I have been getting what I asked for, a loving, present and grounded man who wants to do this life dance together— all in—and I love and trust him… and i’m still not “good”.
I’m still struggling to feel a deep sense of connection with myself or other. In actuality, i’m facing, more aggressively the recognition of how little I trust and allow myself to be vulnerable; how unsafe I think i’ve always felt—especially in intimacy—but i’m just noticing it now. And that feels challenging [understatement]. It brings up a lot of deep grief and a lot of questions. And one of those questions is “what is missing?”, meaning what parts of me are not functioning that would otherwise allow me to feel safe, connected and satisfied with life— and where have they gone?
I’ll tell you what, it’s not a fun space to be sitting in. So while I haven’t shared the whole truth, avoidance has been the go to because i’m not about to be up in here not being real. But with the avoidance of expressing I’ve found myself in a more chaotic space in my mind where the judgement and shame run rampant. And that’s a problem. By not expressing, i’ve felt more stuck, more confused and then more judgement—of the stuckness, confusion and judgement. In other words making it worse— because if you didn’t already know: what you resist, persists.
I have avoided sharing the fullness of the dark and twisty places my imagination conjures
because I don’t want people to worry about me, or ask if i’m ok, or get sick of me— in my seeming inability to be inspirational and hopeful; as though I need to balance the emo vibes with some form of positivity or certainty or wisdom in the face of uncertainty.
And in the midst of the unwraveling i’ve been going through—i’ve on some level been operating from an old story that goes a little something like: in order to be acceptable, in order for there to be anyone left once the fog clears, I can’t share all of it, it’s too much.
So i’ve withdrawn. And frankly, i’ve been sick of myself; sick of feeling the sadness and grief of lifetimes being exposed and pouring out. Sick of feeling broken and unable to show up in certain areas of my life. And afraid that if I give myself freedom to just share whatever is bouncing around in my mind, who knows what the hell might come out— and that feels a bit dangerous [hello fear of letting go of control, I see you].
Layers of armor are being peeled away to reveal a lot of hurt and fear and uncertainty, showing me things i’ve never been able to see about myself. These experiences are the reckoning i’m having to lean into the deeper I descend. And i’ve not been graceful or grateful about it. I’ve just wanted it to be over.
The thing is, I know that there is nothing actually wrong with where I am; nothing wrong with who I am. And still in the status quo of society it feels unacceptable and as though there is no space that can hold the fullness of me. And even more so— in my body, in memories that feel ingrained in my DNA, it feels dangerous to lean in and explore these spaces. This is something that I have held back on expressing because I judged myself for not being able to be past it, and also didn’t want to scare people away from this work, but I think there are a few really important things to bring in here about this.
The first, is that just because we know our shit— meaning just because we have awareness— doesn’t mean we are magically healed/done with it.. try to give yourself some grace in that there is a lot of unlearning to do before we can learn new, healthier and more sustainable ways of being; and your awareness is a gift, even when it feels like it would be so much better to go back to being blind to it— and I say this with love— it isn’t, better or possible, and acceptance is a much less painful path, I know from experience.
The second thing: we all have trauma, whether it’s our lived experiences, or what has been handed off unhealed to us—and whether or not we remember or have repressed it. I believe that part of our life’s work is about taking ownership of our own healing, without shame or blame or feeling like there is something wrong with us— and holding space for other people to be as messy and clunky and unsure through these layers of healing as we are going to be.
And the third is a loving reminder, for myself and for you: when we have been traumatized, when we carry trauma in our bodies— either from our actual lived experience, our past lives, or that which has gone unhealed and passed along generationally— it’s not as simple as doing the “right things”; meditation, therapy, etc— we have to peel back the layers of conditioned trauma response and be willing to “risk” not operating from that place. And that requires an awareness of how we are reacting to our world— either from an open, compassionate place, or a guarded and hypervigilant, defensive place— and then we have to decide to do something different; to lean into the discomfort that feels dangerous in order to build new patterns that will allow ourselves to step out of the patterned stress response 24/7 to actually rest and digest and recharge and heal what is crying out for our attention.
And to do this we have to to find and/or create safe spaces—
both within our self and in our immediate environments in order to work to untangle the web of habitual trauma/stress/survival response [when it is the type of response that has us constantly on guard] — otherwise we are consistently re-traumatizing and reinforcing to our nervous system that are in fact not safe.
Accepting that we are vulnerable and that we cannot control the world around us, and all that we can control is how we show up and how we react; and then do the best we can with whatever comes up. Whew, no big deal right?
[I hope it’s not lost in translation that i’m being cheeky here, this is big, big brave and confronting work and I understand why we do our best to avoid it, and also hold deep reverence for how necessary and urgent it is that more of us take this journey.]
And with all of that, I think of society and the mirror it’s holding up to me— how much of our authentic, full spectrum feeling has been repressed, not discussed or even acknowledged and the obsession with “looking at the bright side”; how much trauma has gone unhealed and passed along under the “we don’t talk about that” blanket statement— without any mention of how damaging to our physical, emotional and spiritual well being this avoidance is.
And the gut punch for me: the recognition that on some level i’ve been filtering out of the same resistance and rejection I’m seeing out in the world around me— even though I know better; “oh hey societal conditioning, nice to see you again” [*insert eye roll*]
I talk about this and how I define the darkness more in “descent into darkness”, if you haven’t given that a read, you can find it here.
What I recognized just a few weeks ago, was part of the stuckness, the loop of feeling totally untethered and lost was because I haven’t allowed myself to express what is true for me. And the more I become familiar with myself I realize I have to do that for my whole well being; I have to show up, and I have to share where I am, who I am, regardless of who sees it, likes it, or agrees with it in order to find my way back to the other pieces of me that can’t— that won’t—feel safe to come out as long as I am rejecting these “less desirable” parts; a reclamation and healing of my relationship with, as Clarissa Pinkola Estés puts it in “Women Who Run With the Wolves” the “not-beautiful” aspects of my humanity— and showing up in them.
As much as i’ve embraced my depths and dark, i’ve in equal measure judged, rejected and feared Her…
I have to honor it, honor these parts of myself and what I have judged as the “not-beautiful”; bring it in, hold it with love and acceptance if I ever want the deeply hurt little girl that lives in me, to come out of hiding; if I ever want to be able to give and receive love in a way that feels nourishing to me and those closest to me.
The inner battle that i’ve been waging is fucking exhausting.
And so, i’m going to lean in some more; to do my best to share more of this aspect of me. Meaning that wherever I am is where I am, even if it’s dark and twisty for weeks/months/years on end. If I ever want to liberate myself from the cages i’ve bound myself in, I need to stop hiding from you, but most importantly from me. I have to bring all of me forward for better or worse in order to accept me. To love and trust me. It’s not about “them out there”— not about you, the witness to this expression. It’s me. I have to accept the fullness of where I am in order to let myself out, to move through the stuck and heavy spaces into the safe and sacred space of full being.
On some level I haven’t left the tumultuous embrace of the darkness
For at least the last three years or so i’ve been learning how to recognize and swim in the depths I spent a lifetime not even realizing that I had been avoiding— after picking up along the way, the feeling that it was too much; that I was too much. It’s been an interesting journey, witnessing both, as I expand how I view it, and have begun to embrace it and revel in it while still fearing, resisting and on some level rejecting this vital aspect of my being.
And now as I type this i’m wondering if i’m ever meant to leave the darkness. Instead, maybe it’s the way I perceive and judge the darkness and a healthy integration that is the calling. My discomfort with it’s lessons and trials has left me battle weary, but how much of my fatigue is related to my resistance to surrender? How i’m perceiving the cycles are that make it so extra mucky. Maybe it really just sucks going through some of these seasons and lessons. And maybe thats just ok. But at the end of the day, the real is, that I am the depths. I am the darkness. And treating it as though it’s a place to conquer and then leave behind is really just trying to escape a part of myself;
fighting it and judging it is just resisting soul…
[*well shit— i’ve been wrestling with this expression for a few weeks and this came through as a realization during my editing process, so i’m real time processing with you here…bear with me…*]
So while I take a pause and *breathe* into what I just uncovered, i’ll invite you to take some time to reflect on what your relationship with your own “darkness” is, however you define that for yourself.
Do you find the same or different resistances to showing up authentically in the spaces you occupy?
Are there are parts of you that you are judging and repressing because of your fear that your world won’t accept you if you step into and take ownership of it?
And if that is hitting some spicy/resistant points in you, then I will nudge you to look a little deeper and see if it’s their rejection or your rejection? Is it your inner battle with these aspects of self that are a little less [or a lot less] comfortable? Or somewhere along the way did you pick up on the vibe that there was no space for this aspect of you?
Those are the spaces I would invite you to lean into, dare to witness and give some love to. This may include things like joy and pleasure as well, as they are some of the most vulnerable of the emotions that we are first to stifle in order to keep the other ones at bay. It you feel called out by this, then it’s for you, And I see you, I really do. In fact I know this all too well. And now that i’ve had a chance to recover from my little mini revelation, i[m going to dive into the layer, and territory i’ve been navigating in this very long season…
my current season of darkness//
a descent into acceptance and surrender; into love
The last 8 months have been a different sort of descent and definitely uncharted territory. I’ve been full on neck deep; in relationship. Getting exactly what I asked for in a man while simultaneously freaking the fuck out, because, well… he exists [wasn’t sure that was really gonna happen if i’m being honest] and now, I have to acclimate to what that means.
It has taken me to new depths, which on some level I knew were there, untapped, but in no way could I have been prepared for how confronting and disarming it’s been to be seen, witnessed and loved— at this capacity— and by someone who actually wants to be there; by a man who isn’t fighting or trying to control me every step of the way.
Why is this so damn confronting?
Well, all I have know before in partnership with men was resistance, walls, and a need on some level to guard myself against their advances on me as a result of me being considered a desirable woman. It’s been all about them and i’ve let it be, in fact that was what was comfortable. Feeling a compulsion to chase and hold on to someone for dear life, manically trying to prove to them how good I am, and accepting scraps of affection/attention while trying to convince myself that it was satiating my hunger;
feeling a need to play traffic cop but also this responsibility for their wants and desires [because you know society has basically told women forever— overtly and subtly— that they are objects here for the pleasure of men to be won or conquered, a paradox of both being revered as this sacred body while being scapegoated as dangerous and blamed for the shame of the world and our collective fall from grace; pedestalized and simultaneously judged by this standard of chastity or lack thereof, which of course is based mostly on whether or not a man has penetrated us— but I digress as thats a whole other conversation i’m not going to go into here].
There is also the pesky self judgement
My personal achilles heel. I have judged how much of my energy, focus and thoughts have been directed into the space of relationship. It has at times felt like a failure when I “should be focusing on building a business, creating my art, on making money”, etc. My desire to be connected bashing against the desire to “do it all myself”, independent woman and all. And i’ve felt the fear that I am going to lose myself— that which i’ve fought so hard to reclaim— in relationship… again.
There is so much fear present in my physical and emotional body. Fear of slipping away, stepping aside for another’s wants, needs— abandoning myself and merging with what they want. How my emotional and physical health will suffer as a result. It’s happened before… too many times. And that fear is an indication of my lack of trust. Of myself with other.
⫷For my astrology peeps this is a nod to my 7th house stellium (Sun in Libra, and Mercury, [Asteroid*] Lilith + Pluto in Scorpio) holding my feet to the coals of learning relationship and facing resistances to getting lost in the process, and then as a cherry on top of the metaphorical cake another little 3 car pileup in my 8th House— South Node + Saturn in Scorpio + Venus in Sagittarius— facing karma and current relationship to sex, death, transformation— distrust, betrayal and trauma [+ a lot of beef with the old patriarch, Saturn]. ⫸
Over the past few months, since being in this relationship, just having a man who communicates and brings presence and attention to me; who can witness me and hold space for me in intimacy— it’s bringing to the surface a lot of past life and ancestral memories of being violated— raped, beaten, not listened to, used as an object, and in one particularly visceral memory—taking my own life as the feeling of my only escape from the cages of my circumstances, after aforementioned rape, not being listened to and used as property to be traded. Let me tell you—it’s been a real doozy of a party up in here.
Not to mention the reckoning with the traumas that have happened in this life that I have done a lot of work on already, but facing the way that my body shuts down when people, but especially men come in close to me… it makes me angry, and sad and resentful of so many things and it’s been a lot of conflicting and intense emotions to sort through.
So all to say, relationships are fucking hard for me and intimacy is laced with land mines of all sorts of past trauma surfacing; and as beautiful as the container my partner holds for me is— and he has been amazing through all of it— it is the most vulnerable I’ve ever had to be. And I don’t really like it so much. But I need it, it’s what my soul agreed to and what i’ve been asking for.
Leaning into the fear of allowing myself to be that exposed, especially to a man is an exercise in conditioning my nervous system to just not freak out. That’s my measurement in success at the moment: can I let my partner hold me without shutting down. I know— quite a high bar i’ve set for myself [that was sarcasm btw, in case you didn’t pick up the subtext in that statement, but it is actually where I am]
Did I mention that the most beneficial cover that those unavailable men who resisted me provided, was the ability to never feel settled and safe enough to truly tap into my depths of vulnerability— to face the wounding that only having someone witnessing me with love and patience would bring to the surface?
Yea, brilliant survival strategy if I do say so myself.
And damn would it be easier to keep playing “woe is me” and standing on my moral high ground— by continuing to chase men who couldn’t/wouldn’t be there for me and therefore find myself in the familiar state of manic over-giving, putting their needs above my own and then absolutely being able to direct the blame at them for leaving.
I could do that, it definitely would feel safer.
But it would hurt me, as it always has. And I committed to doing no more harm to myself. I committed to coming home to myself, to face all that I hadn’t been able to when I was so focused on what everyone else was doing and trying to get them to stay. Plus, that’s not who I want to be or how I want to show up.
So, no I actually can’t do it anymore.
And so here I am, in the thick of this relating thing and it’s exposing depths of unhealed gunk that I couldn’t have known were residing in all sorts of corners of my being. And what i’ve come to believe amidst all of this, even as much as i’ve resisted and avoided and pouted about it?
We can only be reborn from the darkness if we allow it to destroy us. Surrender and stop attempting to control that which is not controllable, but instead meant to be witnessed with a healthy dose of reverence and awe for the force that it is. It’s work. And it’s beautiful. And i’m messy.
This is my current season of darkness. A new layer; exposed.
⫷♀︎⫸
Thank you for being here, reading this, in this life. I am so grateful for your witnessing.
If any of this expression brought anything up in you, I invite you to sit with it and give yourself an extra dose of compassion and love; just because you deserve it. It takes courage to see, to feel. And I see you.
There is a companion piece to this called “descent into darkness” that gives more context into how I define the darkness, the season I feel the collective is being called into and a bit about how we relate to it that can either be supportive to our healing or a hindrance to it. If you are interested in diving in, you can find “descent into darkness” here. Please share with anyone you feel needs these reflections and I would love to hear your reaction. Feel free to drop a note in the comments or send me an email: info@nicolettebernardes.com
If there is any way I can be of service as you navigate your own descent into self + soul, don’t hesitate to reach out to me. If you are interested in having space held for you to release and reconnect to self, you can schedule a session with me to guide you through this big work.