I had a dream last night.

You were there.

I was there.

Missing was the familiar medley;

Pain, shame and disassociated indifference

often felt during waking hours,

when I think of our time together,

when I think of the shadow of you.

I was me.

You were you.

The scene unfolding was a familiar one;

You, charming, persuasive and attentive.

Me, observing everyone in the room falling for it.

I was falling for it.

Again.

Then a moment came

A sense of peace washed over me

I sat you down.

I asked you to leave.

To never come back.

No apology.

No explanation.

No malice in my tone, nor my heart.

I meant it.

You knew it.

You don’t belong here anymore.

I don’t want you here.

And then,

I woke up.

Free.

This expression came through me after a dream I had a few months ago.

It is about a man I compromised and compromised and compromised myself to belong to and be deemed worthy or enough. A relationship, where there was so much emotional trauma, and by the time it ended, I was so worn down, I shut down. One in which my emotional and physical health was compromised because of the ways I twisted myself into knots to be enough to receive his “love”.

I have had to come a long way, dive into the darkness and pass through some incredibly painful points to find forgiveness, mostly of myself, for how I was betrayed. I allowed another’s manipulation to shape so deeply what I believed about my worthiness and as a result nearly lost my mind trying to prove I was enough.

He was good, I’ll give it to him, he knew just how much distance to create to put me on the brink of throwing my hands up and saying “enough is enough”, then would come back and be the perfect picture of a doting, loving partner. That confusing, emotionally exhausting cycle went on (and off) for three and a half years. I lost so much of myself during that time; out of shame, I isolated myself, and nobody knew all of what was going on; I shared fragments, mainly for my sanity, not because I really wanted to share. After a certain number of experiences I went through with him, I reached a point where I felt broken beyond repair; like nobody but him could possibly hear it all and still love me. All the effort, all the fighting and screaming at the top of my lungs to be heard, was the war — that if I just survived, then on the other side we would have this unbreakable bond, the forever kind. That happily ever after kind of stuff. Needless to say, that didn’t happen….

In February 2017, it ended in both dramatic and anti-climatic fashion when it was confirmed, and really I was finally ready to see the truth, that he had been cheating on me, carrying on at least one other relationship (likely more), and all the plans that he and I had made together were built on lies. When I found out I knew instantly that not only was it all true, I was absolutely done. With that decision I was left reeling, having to come up with a new plan. At that point I had made a number of moves in my life in order to set up the life we were going to have together — that perfect picture he painted. I was devastated, embarrassed and funny enough, not at all surprised. I was so broken down and numb at that point I totally disassociated real feeling toward what had happened, it just happened. And I didn’t know how to mourn a person that didn’t really exist..I mean, how does one mourn an illusion? I just had to keep moving and come up with a new plan.

It was the biggest blessing I could have received, because I would be a shell of who I am, had I not been kicked so hard in the stomach with the truth of his lies and manipulation.

But there were a lot of wounds I carried and scars that needed healing, both from him and other past situations that tied in to why I was so ready to believe I deserved the treatment I received. It was incredibly confusing to untangle the web, as there were things he did in service of me that helped me grow along the way and things I can clearly see he did as manipulations to control me, and they were woven together so tightly it took a long time to figure out what I believe, my truth, that wasn’t tainted with his manipulation. It’s been a long journey back. The nearly two years since that relationship ended has been intensely felt- in every sense of the word, every emotion possible. High’s and low’s would be a gross understatement ;).

But these times, where I am feeling EVERYTHING fully, are representative of me finding my way home to myself; letting go of the weight of responsibility I was carrying from the experiences that wounded me so deeply.

The time since he left my life, have been the best of my life and it only gets better; because the more I feel through, the more I fall in love with myself and acknowledge how fucking strong and resilient and how full of love I truly am. How I am enough— that I’m only too much for those without the internal structures to receive me in my fullness, and that’s ok. I’m not for every man and not every man is for me.

The dream that was the inspiration for this poem, was a piece of me clicking into place. Forgiveness and letting go; my deeper Self acknowledging, not just how what he did was not okay, but more importantly how it wasn’t my fault. I can forgive myself for ignoring my intuition, over and over again and letting him into my space (over and over again) when deep down I knew he wasn’t authentic. I can forgive myself for that betrayal because I can acknowledge the pieces of myself that hadn’t yet been healed or honored from experiences from before him, and see clearly how that drove so many of my behaviors and decisions. I take responsibility for my actions and reactions during that time, but I no longer take responsibility for his part.

I have contrast, I have scars, I have so many beautiful experiences and I have hope.

And that dream, to me, signified forgiveness because I don’t feel hate or shame or even much anger about it anymore. I feel sad for the little boy inside of the man that is doing the best he can, but his best is harmful. I imagine parts of him feel so small that he manipulates and lies and creates false realities in order to maintain control. He uses people to play some game that he can win and stay ahead of the chaos, and most dangerously he lacks empathy. It’s unfortunate and all I can do is pray that he finds some peace so that he stops hurting others.

But he no longer holds weight over me. He can’t touch me anymore. He doesn’t belong here anymore, I no longer hold space for him in my body/mind/spirit and that feels a lot like freedom to me.

I recognize this post may be triggering. If you are working to come to terms with any sort of abuse, whether it’s at the hands/words of an intimate partner, a family member or other, I’m holding space and love for you. If you have been the abuser in the past and this resonates with you in a way that feels shameful or painful, or are coming to terms with the co-created dynamics of an emotionally unhealthy relationship— I’m holding space and love for you. Seek the support that you need, speak your truth on your time, no matter how ugly it feels, accept hugs, learn, grow.

We all deserve safe spaces, may we find them, may we be them.

Thank you for reading and being here! If you have any comments or questions for me, please email me info@nicolettebernardes.com. Subscribe below to get my newest posts and insider info + follow my journey on IG.

With gratitude, and always LOVE,